Concern. Not pity. Concern.
You tried to drill the thoughts into your head as you ran, glancing over at Jean on the other side of your course. What was he doing, anyways? It looked like he was messing around with something over by the grass but you couldn't make out what it was.
Fuck. It hurts.
Your pace had slowed from your previous laps as your bruises began to ache. Why couldn't you just be a good girl and listen to others?
It hurts. I want to stop. It hurts.
You kept on running despite your body's protests, though. You had to at least get through this much, right? Jean had gone to the trouble of setting a course for you and even joined you for the first lap. It'd be pathetic if you quit before seeing it through.
I bet he thinks this much is easy, right? You were caught between the rational and emotional sides of your brain once more. Why did you always have to give into your ego like that? The fact that you couldn't get away from this cycle made it even worse each time.
Concern. Not pity. Jean's a nice guy – Concern. Not fucking pity.
Oh but how it felt like pity to your wounded pride. It was getting harder to find the line between the two, honestly. Your ego might even be worse than Jean's.
It hurts. Every jolt of pain felt like a reminder of your mistakes. And a reminder of your ability.
No matter how much you ran, you still couldn't escape the thoughts that ate away at you.
Thinking about it now, had you always been this bad? Sure, you'd always been a little hot headed and all but somehow you felt it had gotten worse lately. When did it start?
Sighing mentally, you knew the answer.
Ever since you realized your feelings for Jean, you had this pain in your gut. You wanted to be his equal and yet you always found yourself falling behind. You wanted to prove yourself – to Jean and to youself. You didn't want him to see you as someone who needed to be protected – you wanted to protect him, too.
After all, you owed him more favours than you could count at this point. He probably didn't see it but you knew he had come to your rescue more than he realized. How many times had he saved you from yourself, let alone all the other demons?
You wanted him to be able to rely on you the same way you had come to rely on him. You wanted to fly just as high as he did and be able to run beside him.
Your hopes and expectations never seemed to bear fruit into reality, though. And it hurt.
You weren't sure where to direct your anger anymore. You already hated yourself more than anyone else, what more could you do?
"Are you tired already? It's barely been an hour since we started, you know?" Jean spoke as you approached the area he stood. You slowed to a stop, panting as you tried to give your muscles a small break without showing the signs of pain.
"Shut up. It's because I've been sitting around doing nothing for a week." You spoke through breaths, accepting the water Jean held towards you thankfully.
"Isn't it because of your injuries? Stop making excuses." Maybe you were wrong about Jean being extra careful around you lately as he shoved your excuses back in your face almost immediately.
Glaring back at him, you stood up straight and tried to regain your breath to a normal pace. Why does he always have to be right?
"Want to call it a night? I guess it might not be a bad idea to start small if you're really not up to it." Jean spoke up when you didn't reply, unable to dispute his claims.
"I'll be fine. How many laps to go?" You weren't ready to give up so quickly, though.
"Three. I figured with the way you were talking you'd be able to do this much easily but I think it'd be best to stop once your done this round." Jean looked over at the various supplies he had brought out while you were in the middle of running.
"What are those for?" It just looked like a mess of junk to you.
"Obstacles. I thought if you were up to it after this round, I would set them up like a make-shift obstacle course but I guess we'll save it for tomorrow. You probably shouldn't be jumping around too much yet anyways." He sighed, "And maybe I'll go ask one of the squad leaders in the morning if we can borrow actual equipment instead – It'd be hard to figure out something to use in the place of weights otherwise."
"Today is fine." You purposefully ignored his last sentence in hopes of avoiding the subject of his talk with Hanji earlier, knowing it would probably lead to a fight. No matter how much you wanted to yell at him at him and take out your anger, you needed Jean to help you train. The better mood he was in, the more likely he would be to give in.
"As if, idiot. We're stopping after you finish the last three laps." Although it didn't seem as if he was ready to give in easily either.
"I'm telling you I can keep going so it's fine," You had regained your breath so hopefully you were a little more convincing now.
"If you push yourself like that your injuries aren't going to heal any faster, you know? Don't you have to go for an examination at the end of the week?"
"Where did you hear that?" You were sure that you hadn't mentioned it.
"Hanji mentioned it this morning. I bumped into her before training." Jean answered calmly but his eyes flickered away from your for just a fraction of a second.
"Liar. You went to see her to ask permission to train with me, didn't you?" Weren't you the one who wanted to avoid the subject?
After a moment of silence, Jean sighed. "Yeah. Did she tell you already?"
"I'm not a child, Jean. Wanna stop treating me like some brat you need to take care of?" And weren't you also the one who didn't want to start a fight? Somehow knowing you were being lied to threw that reasoning out the window, even if you understood the reasons for it all too well.
"Who the hell said anything like that? I was getting permission so that we wouldn't get in trouble for screwing around outside." Jean looked annoyed at your sudden accusations.
Deep down, you knew Jean wasn't in the wrong. Maybe it was the adrenaline or maybe your emotions were taking control again but even though you understood, you found yourself unable to calm down.
"Of course. You're such a good little boy, aren't you Jean? Always being so fucking considerate and following the rules." You shot an undeserving glare in the boys direction with your words, not letting him reply before going to begin your next lap.
"Huh? Idiot-" Jean grabbed a hold of your arm before you could escape, though, forcefully pulling you backwards. Tumbling on your feet, your body crashed into his and you could just hardly suppress the pain at the collision. "You're not running away that easily. Don't just say whatever you want and think you can escape."
"I was trying to finish my laps." Were you always such a shitty liar?
"How about you actually talk about your emotions instead of hiding all the time?" You felt Jean sigh loudly beside your ear, "Why the hell are you angry, anyways?"
"Fuck off, Jean. I'm not having a heart-to-heart emotion-fest with you." You tried to pull your arm from his grasp but Jean didn't plan on letting go anytime soon.
"Seriously? You keep harping about how you're not a kid but you're acting like a damn child." Reaching his other arm around, Jean forcefully turned your body to face his. Despite the anger clearly written on Jean's face, his eyes showed concern.
Or is it pity? You wished you had the ability to tell the difference.
"Don't look away and think I'll just disappear if you ignore me, _." Jean spoke once more when you were silent. "Didn't you say you wanted to face your problems?"
"Shut up, Jean. I don't have anything to say, is all." You weren't sure who you were more annoyed with at this point. Why did you have to let your emotions get the best of you all the time? Why did Jean always have to be right? Why was he even putting up with you when were acting like such an baby?
"You had plenty to say a minute ago. C'mon, spit it out. What's your problem?" And did he always have to push so hard? Couldn't he just let you win sometimes?
I'm contradicting myself again... You hated being looked down upon and yet you felt as if you could have used some pity right about now.
"Can you not start a fight? Just let me go." You tried to escape one last time.
"However you look at it, you clearly started this fight." And did have to point out every little thing? Of course you started this fight – perfect little Jean would never do something so irrational.
"And now I'm ending it. Let me go already." Why couldn't you just apologize properly?
"Fine – it's done. Now let's have a conversation like two adults instead. Talk." And did he always have to be the better person? It only made you feel even more inferior.
"You're really fucking persistent, huh?"
"You're really fucking evasive, huh?" You could see Jean losing patience as he snapped back at you.
"I keep telling you it's nothing. My bad, okay? I was being an asshole for no reason." You tried to end the conversation again. There's no way you could admit that you had been worrying about the same shit all over again, could you? Or talk about all the stupid things that kept running through your head. How pathetic would that be?
"You're a shit liar. You look like you're about to cry any second, you know?" Jean didn't seem to buy it, though. Of course not – why would someone like you be able to fool someone like him, anyways?
"Who's going to cry? Fuck off already." You tried to pull away again but still failed to loosen Jean's grip.
"Hm, I thought you were ending the fight?" Jean stood up straight and sighed once more, "Is it something you can't tell me about?"
"... It's nothing. I'm just being an idiot, is all. There's nothing to tell you." You especially hated it when he spoke to you so kindly like that. Why couldn't he just punch you in the gut and tell you how dumb you were acting? You deserved it.
"Listen, _." Jean paused, the look of annoyance returning. "We're not having this argument over again. I'm not letting you go until you talk so how about giving in already?"
You stayed silent. How could you say something like that? He had no idea how much it hurt.
"I swear you're fucking impossible," Jean rolled his eyes, suddenly pushing you backwards. "If you're just going to run away don't start acting out in the first place."
You let out a small groan as you hit the grass; you were an idiot for not resting like everyone told you to. Before you had a chance to sit up and figure out the situation, Jean placed himself on top of your hips in a similar fashion to what you had done the other day.
"Huh? Get off me, Jean – that hurts!" You cried out when Jean pinned your arms underneath his knees.
"Then start talking. I'm not going to let you fucking sulk over this for days and days this time." Sitting up straight, Jean crossed his arms, "It's less annoying this way so I'll just force it out of you."
"I'm injured, you fuck! At least get off my arms!" You were in too much pain to fight back further.
"Ah, shit – right. Better? My bad, maybe I was a little too rough, huh?" He lifted his knees, allowing your arms to escape. "I didn't mean to hurt you, sorry. Don't cry."
"Who the fuck is crying? I'm going to murder you, Jean, mark my fucking words." You threw your non-injured arm over your eyes quickly, rubbing furiously.
"I said I'm sorry, didn't I?" You could tell he was sincere regardless of the fact that he hadn't moved the rest of his body.
"If you're sorry then get the fuck off me, already!" You were too angry to clue into the fact that your yelling would possibly attract attention from inside.
"Can't do that. Look, you're obviously upset." Jean tried speaking calmly once more, "And for whatever reason you've decided to direct that anger at me. So instead of letting you worry about it all alone and drive yourself into a corner, we're dealing with it. Now."
"You think forcing me to talk to you is a good solution?" It somehow made it harder to talk after all of that, honestly.
"It's better than you running away again. Come on, face your problems head first. I'm right in front of you so here's your chance."
"You're assuming that you're the problem, now?" You weren't sure what Jean meant for a moment.
"I can't think of what else it could be. You're mad at me, aren't you? Did I do something?" You really wished it hadn't come to this – Jean was blaming himself for your damn issues and that only made you feel worse.
"You didn't do anything."
"Then, what? You don't usually get all fired up with no reason." Pausing for a moment, Jean continued, "I mean, you're not always the most agreeable person but that's quite the personality change."
"If we're talking about personality changes, what about you?"
"Huh? What about me? Have I changed somehow?" Jean gave you a confused look from his position above you.
"Don't act like you don't realize. The way you treat me – you've obviously been trying to look out for me. Being all considerate of my feelings and shit like that too." There's no way he hadn't noticed it, right? I mean, he wasn't necessarily mean or anything usually, but the difference in his behaviour was pretty clear at this point. "I don't need you to treat me like some fragile princess, Jean."
"...A fragile princess, huh? You're way too foul-mouthed to ever pass for any sort of princess, _."
"Funny. I wonder how you'd look with your front teeth missing?"
"A princess would never make a threat like that, either." Jean let out a small laugh, "But actually, I kind of like that part of you. What makes you think I would want to treat you like a princess? Aren't you just misunderstanding something?"
"There's no way your attitude changed this much just because we're in this whole 'relationship' thing." You decided to put into words some of the thoughts that had been eating at you, "You normally would've put one right in my gut with all that shit I was giving you earlier, don't you think?"
"Huh? I don't think I was ever a big enough asshole to hit someone with injuries, idiot." Jean shot back quickly.
"Fine. Then what about the rest? I mean, for fucks sake, Jean – did you see yourself when I was in the hospital? You were so nice it was disgusting." You were sure that he had to have been doing it consciously then, at least.
"That's pretty rude, idiot. Who wouldn't want to be nice to their injured girlfriend? I'm a pretty good guy on the inside, you know?" Jean paused, looking a little bittersweet. "But... yeah, you're probably right. Thinking back, I think I might have been acting a little different, huh?"
"A little? You were like, Krista-nice." You tried to emphasize with the comparison.
"...I guess I ended up making things worse, huh? Yeah, I was trying to be careful around you." Jean's admission stung regardless of the fact that you had convinced yourself it was true beforehand.
"I've told you a million times how much I hate your pity, Jean." That mix of anger and sadness had you unsure how to respond for a moment.
"Pity? You're such a fucking idiot, _. It was just nerves." Placing a hand at the top of your head, Jean forced your eyes to meet his once more.
"Nerves?"
No response. Jean's hand removed itself from your head as he turned to the side for a moment. It was hard to see clearly what kind of expression he had on his face but you assumed he was thinking something over.
"Jean?" You spoke after a moment of silence.
"...I'll kill you later for making me say something this stupid," Jean's face began to flush clear enough for you to see, "of course, it's nerves! I mean, we're dating, right? What if I say something dumb and hurt your feelings? I talk out of my ass half the time so I'm bound to say something horrible to you. If you start hating me, what am I supposed to do? And I mean, the whole thing with Marco, too. Do you have any idea how many things I want to ask you? But I can't just fucking bring up your relationship with him."
Jean's hands ruffled through his hair as he continued without pause, "Besides, I'd probably get even more worried if you honestly answered, too. If you said you still loved him, how the fuck am I supposed to feel? What the hell am I supposed to do in a situation like that? Do you have any idea how much I hate myself for thinking about bullshit like that?"
Ah, I really am an idiot.
Jean was just as dumb as you. How could you have forgotten something as important as that?
"I mean, of course I'm going to be nervous about it! Can you really blame me for trying to be a little more nice? I mean, I like you and I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to fight about stupid things and make you cry. Have you met me, _? I'm not the most likable guy on the planet, you know?"
"Hey, Jean..." You spoke when Jean finally took a break, "You really are an idiot, you know that?"
"Hah? Can you-"
"Well, not that I should be saying so. I'm an idiot, too, after all." You couldn't help but smile a little as Jean looked down at you, seemingly suspicious of your sudden change in demeanor.
While you were sitting around brooding over your own thoughts, you completely missed the fact that Jean had been doing the same thing. You were getting mad at him for acting differently without even considering the reasons behind his behaviour. If only you could have just let go of your pride a little, you might have been able to see a little more clearly. You might have been able to become the person you wanted to be so badly instead of sulking over the fact that you weren't there yet.
It takes a royal idiot to forget the simple things so quickly. If only you had been able to see past your own ego.
"I'm sorry, Jean." You spoke honestly, "I was too focused on myself to realize. I said I was going to change but I'm still just the same selfish brat, huh? I'm sorry."
"Huh? What are you apologizing for?" Jean seemed a little lost at the sudden developments.
"Ah – well, I was being pissy earlier, right?" You realized you had yet to explain your side, "I had it down in my head that you were definitely pitying me. I thought you were being extra nice because you were looking down on me or something. I got myself all worked up over the same garbage and it was just a downward spiral. I didn't even consider about what you might have been thinking."
Jean looked somewhere between angry and sad at the same time, "I'd seriously punch you if you weren't injured. I've told you a million times that it's not like that, haven't I?"
"Yeah – you have. I couldn't see past my pride, though. I'm sorry, Jean."
"You know... you build your pride up and cling to it in order to prevent yourself from getting hurt, but I think it's having the opposite effect right now." Jean removed himself from on top of your waist, taking a seat on the grass. Holding out a hand to help you sit up, he continued "I think you'd be alright even if you lowered those dividers of yours a little."
"Yeah... I understand it in my head but my emotions end up getting the best of me. I guess it's a hard habit to break, huh? I'm sorry." You couldn't deny his spot on assessment. You were so used to keeping others at a distance that you ended up driving yourself away every time you felt unsure of anything.
"How many times are you going to apologize? It's kind scary when you're this passive." Jean ruffled through your hair, perhaps trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.
"It sucks, Jean. I promised to change but I'm still the same as I was back then. It feels like I haven't made any progress at all." Not bothering to push away his hand as usual, you continued that heart-to-heart emotion-fest that you so desperately wanted to avoid earlier.
"Then start now. You're the only one who can change the way you feel. Trust me, I've tried. Apparently my words are pretty worthless there."
"Yeah. I guess I kind of pushed your effort aside with that one, huh?" You didn't resist when Jean pulled your head inwards, resting against his chest. Why was he always so warm? Somehow it was extremely comforting and you found your eyes begin to burn once more.
"Kind of? We're dating, you know. Most girls would be happy their boyfriend is acting nicer and you turn it into this mess." You were sure that Jean could feel the way your shoulders were shaking but he didn't comment on it. Instead, he wrapped his other arm around you as you tried to stop the tears from flowing.
"It's rude to talk like it all my fault, Jean." You sniffled, "You were worrying about stuff all on your own too, weren't you? You could have just said the things on your mind. Didn't you say you'd rely on me, as well?"
"How the hell am I supposed to say stuff like that? I have my own pride too, in case you forgot." Jean kept your head held against his chest, "Besides, maybe you should keep your own promises before you start lecturing others."
"Yeah. We're seriously the worst two people to get together, huh? We fight all the time, too."
"Shut up – you can't back out until the month is over." Jean voice was only half joking, "or I guess it's just over two weeks now, huh? The expedition is soon."
"That's why I want to get stronger, Jean. I want to keep my promises this time." You had stopped crying but didn't bother trying to escape Jean's grasp. It was easier to speak your mind when you didn't have to look him in the eyes, it seemed.
"I get it. But if you push yourself too hard you probably won't even be able to go with us, don't you think? I promised I'd help you so why don't you just trust me a little for once?"
"Yeah. Sorry for being difficult."
"Another apology? You're being pretty honest all of a sudden." You felt Jean's hand ruffle through your hair once more, "It's kind of cute."
"Jean," Pushing his hand away, you finally met his eyes once more. "I promise I won't push myself too hard. I'll trust you and work hard enough that I'll be ready in time for the expedition."
"You can always sit out, you know? I wouldn't have to worry about you that way, either."
"Don't make shitty jokes, Jean. I'll work hard enough that you won't have to worry about me, anyways." There was no way you'd let him go out there on his own, either.
"...Yeah." Jean smile seemed a little sad, "You're strong, after all."
"Hey, Jean." You kept your gaze locked on his once more, "I won't force you or anything... but you know you can talk to me too, right? I don't mind if you want to ask about the things on your mind."
"..Mm. I will." Jean averted his eyes from yours. Was that just embarrassment? Or something else?
"Listen, I'm no good with this kind of stuff so I probably won't realize unless you say it out loud." You weren't convinced by his reaction so you forced his eyes back to yours, "Rely on me a little, too, Jean. Trust me."
Looking back at you, Jean was silent for a moment. "Yeah. I will... but for now, how about we head back inside? It's getting cold and I don't want to sleep in tomorrow, either."
"Promise?" You stopped Jean before he had a chance to get up.
"Huh?" He looked a little taken back for a moment.
"Promise me you'll rely on me. Promise me you'll tell me what's on your mind." You put aside your pride for the moment as you spoke, "I'm not like you so I can't tell when you're over-thinking things like you always can. I'm not as nice as you so I don't really know how to make it better, either. But I want to help you too, Jean."
"...Yeah. I promise. Thanks, _. Although I'm not as perfect as you're giving me credit for, either." Jean smile seemed more genuine this time. Standing upright, he reached out a hand to help you up. "I love you, _."
"Huh? What's with that all of a sudden?" You blushed a little at the kind look on Jean's face when he spoke.
"I just felt like saying it. Anyways, I have to clean this mess up. Want to help?" Jean took a look at the pile of junk he had created earlier.
"Where did you get it all from, anyways?" You followed Jean's lead as he began sorting through the make-shift equipment.
"Most of it is literally just junk." Jean waved a few branches to show you, "I'll speak to someone tomorrow so we can get some actual equipment, though. I don't know what we could use for weights in this mess."
You smiled at the thought of Jean collecting the various random items he could find. "Hey, Jean?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"...Mm. Thanks, _."
Hello again. It's been a little while, huh? I hope you'll forgive me for not updating as regularly as I used to. This chapter is a little bit long but I would be happy if you read it anyways. Also, thank you for being so patient with me through this. I hope you enjoy this update! w
