Christian
I love you Ana, I can't let Rob get away with hurting you. "I'll never let him walk free for hurting the woman I love." the words fall of my lips, without my intention. I hear Ana gasp for air, but as I look at her beautiful eyes, all I see is panic. She's struggling to breathe I realize, but it's too late, her legs give away from under her and she falls. Thank god I catch her before she hits her head on the floor.
"Ana…" She's out cold. I watch her breath and feel her pulse, at first her heart is beating like crazy but then it evens. I kiss her cheeks, stroke her head, holding her in my arms as I sit on the floor. "Baby wake up…" but she doesn't respond. Fuck. "Taylor!" I yell, and he comes running, Gwen on his heels. "Sir, what happened" "Ana fainted, I think she had a panic attack or something. Please call my mother, tell her to come here ASAP."
I hold her close; she looks so small and fragile like this, but then there's hope. I see her eyelashes flutter and then she blinks a few times before finally opening her eyes and looking me straight in the eye. Oh god, I could drown in her eyes, those beautiful ocean blue eyes. A weight is lifted from my chest as she says "Sorry" I can't believe she's apologizing, but at the same time it's so typical Ana. "Oh baby, you scared me" I say my voice breaking with that admission. I press my lips against her forehead, and I breathe in her wonderful scent.
She closes her eyes and I realize that she's fighting back tears. "Sh... Baby, it's alright... I got you..." She turns her face into my chest and I feel her whole body jerking from the fought back sobs. I look at Taylor, and he reads my mind. I watch him signal to Gwen to follow him and then they leave us alone.
I rock Ana gently back and forth, her sobs now longer apart. Gwen sneaks her way next to us, places a box of Kleenex beside us on the floor. I look at her and nod a thank you, she gives me a small sympathetic smile before she leaves.
"I'm sorry, Christian... It seems I'm crying all the time now" Ana says, her voice quiet and fragile. "It's ok... Don't apologize for it… Please" I say in effort to calm her. "No, it's not ok, I haven't cried like this for years. This is not me, I'm usually stronger than this, I hate myself for being a blubbering mess" she says, her voice now much harder and filled with contempt.
"What's making you cry? Please tell me, make me understand, so I can help you" I ask knowing that the reason is most likely my admission of love. Fuck Grey, the only one you've ever loved is crying her heart out because you told her so. The thought feels like someone twisting a knife in my soul. It was much easier to stay inside my ivory tower and not let anyone close, at least I was safe from being rejected.
"It started that day at the beach" she starts but I interrupt her "The day we met? So it really is because of me, that you are upset?" Fuck, I knew it. There's a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach, and it keeps on getting heavier. She frowns as she snaps at me "Christian please, don't interrupt me...". She takes my hand in hers, and starts stroking my fingers gently, the feeling of her soft touch is totally opposite to tone of her voice just a second ago.
She sighs before she continues her narrative "No, not the day we met, but the day before. I was there, on the cliff, looking at the sunset... I hadn't been there in ages, not since I was a kid. The place is... was filled with bittersweet memories. Memories of Sam and Beth, my dad... My life that was perfect. The smell of that beach, that salty, sandy scent that used to fill my childhood summers, now stirred all those memories and feelings I haven't let myself relive in years. I ran from the cliff that night, as I couldn't take it anymore, but as I got to the car my emotions caught up with me and I cried, all those unshed tears from years back were running down my cheeks" she pauses, her fingers still stroking mine, going from knuckle to knuckle trailing over my fingers, one after one.
"So you were there... I thought I might have imagined you, I saw you standing on the cliff and then you vanished." I say quietly, remembering that feeling of confusion I felt when she had disappeared. Her eyes shoot up to mine "You saw me that night?" she asks incredulous. I nod, "I was out walking, trying to get my head on straight... I didn't expect to see anyone there, you know, as it is private property" I say and am rewarded by a small smile on her lips as she says "I did apologize for the trespassing, remember" "Yeah, I remember... I'm so happy you did it though. Otherwise we might never have met". Thank god she trespassed, I don't know what I'd do without her. She has healed me, within few days she has done more for me than the years I've spent in therapy. I pull her hand to my lips and kiss it gently. I just pray she'll stay with me.
She closes her eyes and continues "It was a late summer night, just like that one last week. I was with Sam, we had been fishing, and I was bummed as I didn't catch anything. Dad was supposed to come home, he had been out of town on some business. I was waiting for him to pick me from Sam's... The doorbell rang and I ran to open, to greet my dad, but it wasn't him... There was two officers, they wanted to talk to Sam. I went into the garden, in hope of seeing Dad's car but I couldn't resist peeking in through the window, to see the officers talking with Sam and Beth. I was not prepared for what I saw, they were both sitting by the table, holding each other and crying. They looked like their whole world had collapsed... It had. My life collapsed along with it."
I feel her small frame shrink as she finally manages the words "My dad, had been in an accident, he died on site." Oh fuck... I knew he was dead, but I hadn't thought more about it. "I loved him, Christian. I was always daddy's girl, and he adored me... Not a day went by without him telling me how much he loved me... But then he died." Realization is setting in, why she reacted so badly to my words. Part of me is relieved, as the reason to her panic attack wasn't all me, but the other part heartbroken because of the sadness in her eyes. "I'm not him Ana... I'm not going anywhere, if you'll just let me be on your side."
Anastasia
The words are just falling from my lips, all those painful memories that I've been trying to ignore for so many years, now brought to daylight. I've avoided all strong emotions for so long, I see it now. Like Christian, I've shut everyone out... I don't have his castle in the sky to hide in, but anyway, the end result has been the same. I've been alone, lonely even. Then Christian came along and suddenly there's a whole spectrum of emotions in my life. From hate, anger, sorrow to peace, happiness, lust... And love? Damn... Even the prospect of it, is scaring the shit out of me... He really shouldn't love me, as it is bad luck for him, and in the end heartbreak for me. Nothing good has ever come to the ones that have loved me.
Christian says he'll not leave me, if I let him be by my side. "But you don't understand Christian... It's not my choice to make, nor is it yours..." I reply even though I can't quite explain myself; I'm sure I will sound totally paranoid or delusional trying to explain my fears. When he knows everything that has happened, then he will chose to leave me... Right? Shit… I don't even convince myself... A spark of hope ignites inside my heart, but I ignore it, I would never live with myself if my bad karma ends up hurting Christian.
Christian is waiting patiently for me to continue. His hand is still in my lap and I continue to stroke his fingers, over the knuckles and back up until the joints. He has such beautiful hands, I give myself a second to just admire him, before I continue "You shouldn't love me... All who have loved me have died. Don't you see? If something happened to you... I couldn't live with it"
Christian tears his hand away from mine, brings it to my face and turns my face towards him, the touch of his fingertips on my chin sends shivers down my spine. "Ana, please... Nothing is going to happen to me. But you are right, loving you is not my decision..." his grey eyes are now looking straight into mine, I see the honesty of his words as they slip his lips "... It's my destiny."
I close my eyes, to hide all my emotions from him. His words make me feel like a bright spring morning; the hope of happiness that almost had faded relighting inside my heart, spreading light over everything. I'm overwhelmed by his words, relieved, but so scared at the same time. Scared that the darkness of my life will take over the light again. "Oh, how I hope that would be true Christian... But there's more..." I take a deep breath before I continue "After dad died, my mom just kind of left me on my own... She started drinking, and she was at the bar more than at home... That's where she met Rob." I feel Christian's muscles tense by the mere mention of his name.
"Then was the whole thing with Rob, and the aftermath of it with my mom basically abandoning me. I lived with Sam and Beth, my grandma, after that. But everything was wrong..." I try to focus, so that I'll manage to continue telling him about my past without breaking into pieces.
"That night I ran from Rob and they weren't at home, grandma had had a seizure. They were at the hospital. The doctors soon diagnosed the cancer. It had spread and there was nothing they could do." I try to detach myself from the story I'm telling, the memories are too painful to relive, and I just want to get it out.
"We watched her wither away, as her spunky spirit had died with dad and she couldn't find the strength in her to continue fighting. She died. So that makes number two in the list of people who loved me and who are now dead. We tried to continue living with Sam, but it was hard. I was a mess... I got into trouble at school, stopped interacting with others and I turned to my art, submerging into a world of dark colors… I guess I used it as a therapy. I didn't have any friends, I had only Sam..." I breathe deeply, and Christian tightens his hold on me, his presence relieving the dull ache in my chest.
"The fifth anniversary of my dad's death. I was coming home from school, and from far I saw smoke. I prayed and hoped the smoke wasn't from our house, but deep inside I knew it had to be, as there's no other houses in that part. I ran into the house, the fire was in the bedrooms in the back. I just knew I had to get Sam out. I knew he was inside, I don't know how I knew, but I just did. The only person that mattered in my life was stuck inside that fire."
Christian pulls me closer, pressing my head against his chest, I press my ear to him, and almost instantly my heart calms down when I listen to his steady heartbeat. "It's alright baby, you don't have to tell me more if it's too difficult." "I have to Christian... I've never really told anyone about this. I have to say it, maybe it'll stop haunting my dreams if I do… I found him in his bedroom, he had passed out from the smoke and his injuries. I kept myself low, just as the firemen visiting my school once had told us, I managed to catch his hands and I dragged him out, or at least I tried to. By the time I made it to the foyer, the fire department arrived and a fireman running into the house came to my help."
There's a moment of silence before Christian asks "Did he survive?" "Well... Yes and no... The Sam I loved, didn't exist anymore; in his place was only the shell of him... He was at the hospital, and they were treating his burns, but he remained unconscious. It was weeks before he started to wake up, but even then everything was wrong, he didn't remember me, he remembered almost nothing... The only person he remembered was Beth... He kept on waiting for her to walk in, every time the door opened his eyes would light up in hopes of seeing Beth again, but of course she didn't."
Christian
I'm listening to Ana telling about her life, and I slowly start to understand her fears. Her life has been filled with too much pain and suffering; and she keeps on blaming it on herself. Just like I've been blaming myself for what happened to my mother and what was done for me. Even with the years of therapy I'm still suffering of nightmares. What about Ana? If she hasn't had any real therapy, keeping all this just bottled up inside her; it's no wonder she has turned it against herself.
"Sam died after a few months. And I was relieved, can you believe it? I just couldn't take it anymore, watching him suffer and grieve as his beloved Beth didn't come to visit him." She says, not looking to me anymore.
"I'm so sorry Ana… I wish there was something I could do…" She wipes a stray tear from her eye as she gathers herself and says "There's nothing that can be done about that… it happened, and it's all in the past. But do you understand now, why you mustn't love me? Everyone who loved me, has ended up..." I don't give her a chance to finish that sentence as I press my lips against hers, the salty taste of her tears is still lingering on her lips. "I don't care" I say release the kiss.
"But…" she starts; I press my finger on her lips to silence her. "No buts Ana. I love you. I don't care what you think might happen to me… Because if I can't be with you, I will be miserable. I love you, like I've never loved anyone… You make me whole, Ana. You've repaired me, as I've been broken. Please let me repair you, let me take care of you, let me love you... Ana, please…" I look into her eyes, trying to read her feelings, but she hides from me; closing her eyes. I see another tear run down her cheek when she speaks; her voice not much more than a whisper "I love you too… It's just… I'm so scared."
I hear a sound from the other side of the room, I look up and see Grace wiping tears from her eyes.
AN: Thank you all for reading, reviewing, following...
Maybe they can move forward now, that their pasts have been brought to daylight?
If you read it, please review!
