Chapter 25:

Want

"Ah not bad, not bad at all! And it's the right size too. You must have been staring at me more than usual to get that right."

"Of course not. You're pretty average in size, so most shirts would fit you anyways. Stop trying to turn this into something it's not."

"It's still an odd choice of gift for a teammate, unless it's for something more…."

"Don't put that on me. I bought Eld and Gunther similar things as well."

"You don't have to act to high and mighty. I don't even know why you're looking so offended. Just think of this as practice for when…."

"I'm not marrying you."

"Come on Petra, don't be like that. It'll happen, you'll see! I'm a man of my word, and there's nothing that you can…. Oi Petra, hey! Put that….!"

*SPLAT*

Eld and Gunther can barely contain their laughter as Petra retakes her seat with an indignant huff.

"Insufferable pig…." She mutters, casually wiping bits of cream from her fingers with a napkin all the while Oluo sits across from her a seat down, frozen solid in utter shock as pieces of pie slowly slide down his face onto the table.

"OI PETRA! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PULL A STUNT LIKE THAT!?" He literally cries, making tear trails through cream.

The two older men beside him can no longer take and both Eld and Gunther explode into hysterics, to which Oluo swiftly whirls a glaring eye.

"Don't laugh! This is emasculation! An insult!" he commands them which only makes them laugh harder, then Oluo returns to the flat faced auburn haired woman again. "And YOU, you've got a lot to learn before I make you my wife! You better shape up if you know what's good for you!"

"Yeah, yeah…." The woman waves him off nonchalantly.

Beside her Eren fidgets, looking uncomfortable, and stutters to Oluo.

"O… Oluo-san, your cravat…."

Looking down, the brazen man lets out a distressed sound at the sight of the ruined cloth adorning his neck.

"You owe me for this Ral!"

"No I don't. You just got two new pairs from Gunther, so quit being a baby and put one on… idiot…."

"Baby?" the man replies with much indignation before he turns to me. "Corporal, are you just going to let her do that!?"

I give him a bland shrug.

"Not my problem." I say flatly to his great dismay

Having run out of energy Oluo sullenly falls back into his seat.

"How embarrassing." He mutters, despairingly tugging at his soiled cravat. "She'll never respect me at this rate…."

"It's toughs loosing dreams." Gunther comments lazily, resting his head on his arm.

Oluo is in a state far too deep to respond, reverting to folding his cravat with saddened eyes.

'Pathetic.'

Out of fear that if I watch him any longer I'll roll my eyes so hard they'd get stuck backwards, I ignore the tan haired man and take a sip of black tea.

"Petra-san," Eren mutters, still looking flustered. "is Oluo-san always like this when he is this drunk."

Petra gives an exasperated sigh.

"Unfortunately, though this time around it is especially terrible."

Eren nods.

"I see…."

On the opposite side of Petra, directly across from me, Avian makes a small hum.

"He really does try too hard to impress you." She mutters. "Does he really care for you that deeply?"

At this a slight tinge colors the other woman's cheeks.

"H… how would I know?"

"You don't have to lie to us, Petra." Gunther calls from the other end of the table. "You're just as easy to read as he is."

Petra clutches her chest and hardens her gaze.

"I've no idea what you're talking about."

This time Eld chimes in with a carefree shrug of his shoulders.

"You can't hide anything from us you know. We're too observant." He jibes with a joking smile. "You know what they say about girls and boys who pick on each other…."

"You're crazy!" Petra shoots back, face almost complete red, and when the other two men burst into another round of laughter at her reaction she pointedly turns her back to them.

"If that is all, then I'll be going." She announces loudly. "It's getting late already."

Eld is the first to calm himself, and he takes a look around us.

"So it is. Looks like we're the stragglers here."

Turning my head slightly I take in the mess hall in which we sit, full to the brim with people not but a few hours ago, is now barren and quiet.

"It's been fun," Gunther adds. "but he's right. It's probably not even Christmas anymore technically. Besides, our things are cluttering up the table."

Scanning my eyes over the table, I take in six piles of items, each sitting in front of every soldier at this table. Though due to request I don't have a pile of my own, it does me good to see such gifts lying before their owners, symbols of the bond each person has made with the others.

Shirts, ties, notebooks, knick-knacks, even some sweets, are all spread about, presents given in cheer. Honestly, even though I am glad to see such comradery, a weight sits in my stomach at the sight of the people gathered together.

I grit my teeth, push the feeling aside and focus on the other's conversation.

"Eren," Petra stirs the young boy. "is there anything you have to offer?"

The teen looks down slightly and mutters a small response.

"I do, kind of. It isn't much though…." He mumbles.

"I'm sure everything is just fine." Petra assures him with a smile.

"Y…yeah…"

Still sounding self-conscious, Eren reaches behind him and draws forth a small bag. In rapid movements, he reaches in and disperses objects to all the people around him, all the while keeping his head low.

"Now what sort of shoddy thing is this!?"

Oluo drunkenly pulls out small bits of… something… from a box and glares down at his palm.

"What the hell are these!? Small ass badges or something!?"

Eren, out of sheer subordinate habit, shrinks back in his seat looking distressed.

"T… they're cufflinks… to go with y… your crav… vats…!" he stutters

"Ah, great, MORE of these damn things…" Oluo replies, now dangling a pair of white cravats in the air, and of course Petra is the first one to react.

"Don't be so rude! Eren got you a gift even though he very well didn't have too, so show some appreciation!"

"Appreciation? How 'bout I show him how I'll shove a blade up his…!"

*SQUELCH*

The rest of his words are cut off as blood spurts forth from his mouth, and Oluo suddenly falls back in his seat with a cry of pain. As one Petra, Eld, and Gunther shake their heads as Oluo clutches his mouth and rushes toward the kitchens.

"It's amazing how his tongue is still attached…" Eld comments off handedly once the pained man is out of sight.

Gunther nods.

"Must be a talent."

With Oluo now gone, the table is noticeably calmer, and Eld and Gunther open their gifts next.

"Hey hey, not bad."

Both men pull out a pair of golden watches, a wrist watch for Eld, and a pocket for Gunther.

"This is pretty neat." Gunther comments, inspecting the object in his hands with vigor. "My grandfather is a real lover of these, and I've always wanted one of my own. Guess you helped me with that."

Gunther laughs as Eld nods to Eren with a grin.

"I'm quite the fan as well. Thank you, Eren."

The young soldier stiffens slightly in surprise before bowing his head.

"You're welcome Eld-san, Gunther-san." He bashfully replies which only makes the older men chuckle before Eld nods to Petra.

"So, what did you get?"

At this Petra smiles and excitedly pulls out a long chain with a shimmering, silver rimmed flower pendant hanging in the middle.

"It's beautiful." She exclaims as everyone takes a moment to gaze over the well crafted necklace before Petra quickly puts it on.

Beside her, Avian smiles.

"It suits you perfectly."

"Doesn't it, though!"

Both women smile broadly, then Petra turns to Eren.

"It's wonderful. Thank you."

Next it's Avian's turn to open hers, of which I'm oddly interested in, and when she opens her box I'm unsurprised by what she pulls out.

'Typical.' I think, albeit lightheartedly, and I can't help but find a certain ease in seeing her face light up when she pulls out a book and a handful of metallic ring puzzles.

"I love these!" she claps, swiftly picking up one of the puzzles and inspecting it as if already formulating it's solution. "And a tome as well? Eren, this is too much!"

The boy shakes his head.

"Honestly those puzzles didn't cost that much, and I know how much you love books and birds, so I figured a bird almanac would be the best of both worlds, and it makes up for the price difference with the other gifts since I tried to keep it even."

"Well you did an exemplary job." She beams, looking absolutely thrilled over such small trinkets. "I really do thank you."

Eren bows his head under her praise.

"It's nothing, really…" he mutters self-consciously, to which Avian tisks.

"Come now, you should be over your bashfulness around me." She chastises him playfully, and roughly messes his hair much in the way one would mess with a younger sibling. "You know how much I dislike being treated as if I'm your superior."

"But you are…."

"Do not start this quarrel with me, we've already discussed this. Do you wish for me to pull out my flowchart again?"

"You still have that!?"

"Of course I do. I knew you would continue to ignore my request, so I made sure to keep it in case of further explanation. Shall I go through every reason as to why I'm NOT your superior again? I'll even do you a favor by skipping the first seven or so pages if you wish…."

"N… no! It's fine!" Eren panics, sweat dropping down his face and he waves his hands toward her. "I understand, I promise!"

Avian nods.

"Good. Do take care to keep it that way." She states and sits back in her seat at the same time as I hear Eren mutter under his breath something along the lines of how Avian's explanations are as bad as Hanji's.

'God forbid they work on an experiment together.' I muse, then immediately frown at the amount of energy and lengthy debates that would undoubtedly ensue.

Returning my attention to the scene before me, Petra casts her eyes over the table.

"Alright, that's it for Eren. Gunther, Eld, got anything?"

Both men shake their heads.

"I'm assuming Oluo had nothing more too," she mutters, frowning at the still empty seat, before rounding on the ginger beside her. "Avian?"

At the sound of her name, the woman reaches behind her and almost struggles to lift a huge bag onto the table.

"I admit that I am uncertain that these are even appropriate…" she mutters, to which Gunther tilts his head in question.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, all of your gifts were store bought, yet I had to hand-make my own…."

"You made all of yours?" Eld asks, lifting a brow, and Avian nods.

"Well that makes them even better." Petra chimes in next. "I'm sure we'll all love them."

"Love what?" a deeper voice suddenly breaks in, and Oluo unhesitatingly plops back into his seat, glass of water in his hand. "Damn that's a huge bag. Those for us?"

Avian nods.

"Well come on then! Don't make us wait all night. Some of us have to get up at the crack of dawn ya know."

"Right…."

At his spur, the ginger swiftly pulls out one paper wrapped package after another, distributing them among the other soldiers. As she does so, my eyes follow the objects, and I wonder just what sort of creations lay beneath those paper wrappings.

"It isn't anything luxurious…" Avian begins as all five tear away at the wrapping. "… but I hope they suffice."

The first to unveil their gift is Eld, and everyone turns to watch him as he slowly lifts up a medium sized wooden sculpture. The creature stands tall and proud, head lifted in an almost regal way, and a pair of elegant antlers sprout from its head.

"A stag?" he questions, inspecting the carving in question thoroughly.

Piqued in interest, Gunther pulls his gift out next: also a wooden sculpture, but this time of a galloping stallion. Following his lead, the others do the same as well: Eren uncovers a fierce sculpture of a wolf, head turned to the side with ears perked as if listening for danger. Petra's gift is much more subtle, an elegant depiction of some type of bird just about to land, and Oluo holds what looks to be a bull standing tall with massive horns on display.

"You got me a cow?" Oluo mutters with sharp eyes, turning his statue upside down and all around to see every angle. "What the hell is this for?"

At his comment Avian tenses slightly as she always does when criticized, and answers promptly.

"It isn't for anything, just made for decoration." She starts when he and the others turn their eyes toward her. "They are animal totems."

"Totems?" Gunther repeats, considering the unfamiliar word.

The woman nods.

"In the culture of my ancestors, my father's people, they saw and put much importance and meaning into animals of all kinds. Each represents particular attributes, is associated with the spiritual world, and are signs of good luck for those who are meant to see them. A common tradition was to make totems depending on a person's personality, what creature they are most lead by, and these totems were often sewn into clothing or put as engravings on jewelry. In my family when we celebrate the anniversaries of our births, I would always make a sculpture to commemorate the occasion, and without many other ideas, I deemed it plausible to do the same for you all, though I did forget most of the totem meanings, so I had to take some liberty with creating my own…."

"That's a lot of thought and work." Eld comments, sounding slightly impressed. "You didn't have to go through all of that you know."

"I do, but I wished too. It had been long since I last took up a knife, and I yearned to create again." She assures him.

"And you're amazing at it." Petra comments next, gazing at hers with admiration. "What does mine mean?"

Avian smiles.

"Petra, for you, I chose The Wren, which represents your compassion and unfailing optimism."

The auburn haired woman returns Avian's grin before the ginger turns to Eren.

"For you, I chose The Wolf. You are fierce when need be, yet there is none more loyal to his comrades."

She turns to Gunther.

"For you, The Stallion, the embodiment of a diligent nature and high work ethic."

"He he, sounds like me." The man chuckles as Eld waits for his explanation.

"To represent your patience and natural leadership ability," the woman continues, "I gave you The Stag."

Eld nods in satisfaction as, last but not least, Oluo lifts his head.

"So what about me then?"

"As stated before, yours is that of The Bull. They are among the strongest and most capable of totems," she tells him before dipping down into a lower, mocking tone. "as well as the most bullheaded…."

"Hey, you brat!"

Oluo moves to reach out for her, but the woman merely dances away from the table amid a fit of laughter from the others.

"She isn't lying you know…!" Petra teases him, and Oluo now rounds on her in a flurry, face suddenly very sullen.

"Not this again Petra!" he cries, almost in tears. "Why are you women so cruel!?"

At this point the two start getting into it over the table, the man tearing up more and more over each new jab the woman spits out, and I can literally see Oluo's pride drop through the floor. It's all very amusing to see the overconfident soldier loose his cool over the only female in his squad, but as humorous as the scene is, I'm highly aware that it must be well into early morning by now.

Having neither moved nor said a word the entire time I've been here, more content to simply watch instead of joining in, Oluo gives a slight jump when I stand.

"Quit dicking around, you'll wake up the whole damn castle with your caterwauling." I state plainly, casting an eye over each soldier in turn. "Head to your quarters. It's late and all of you need sleep, especially you Oluo. A massive hangover will not get you out of cleaning duty, of course I'm sure you'll need more than one night to sweat out all that alcohol from that empty head of yours."

All at once the table straightens up in attention, turning from a group of friends into a squad of seasoned soldiers in the blink of an eye, and somberly nod in unison. Without further instruction everyone swiftly gathers their things and disperse toward their sleeping quarters. After taking time to extinguish the torches that were still lit and making my nightly round of the compound, I too eventually make it back to my room exhausted.

Pulling out my key, my mind wanders back to the heavy thoughts that have been plaguing me all evening.

'Disbandment.' I hear Erwin's voice say, and that single word alone brings with it a wave of apprehension and gravity.

I tried to ignore it and enjoy the night, but it just didn't happen. Seeing my squad together for the first time in a while, the two young shifters included, did nothing more than remind me of the precarious situation the Corps are in. None of the other soldiers know, not even my own, and I plan on keeping that information to myself.

'They all deserve to have some time where they don't have to worry about anything. Let them enjoy their holiday.'

With no one to witness my fatigue, I let slip a small, tired sigh and do my best to dismiss the topic.

Opening the door to step inside, my foot knocks against something and I look down to see a closed topped bag on the floor. I inwardly groan.

'Great. What the hell did Hanji get this time….' I mentally growl in annoyance, loathe to even bother with the stupid thing, but in the end I pick it up and carry it inside.

Quickly changing into a crisp night shirt and clean trousers, I sit upon my bed with the bag in my lap and stare at it. I haven't seen hide nor hair of the scientist all day, and I can only imagine what sort of weird shit she has cooked up this time.

'Can't be worse than that one time she gave me a hat weaved out of titan hair.'

Preparing for the worst I untie the strings at the top and peer inside, only to find a paper wrapped parcel and a small envelope.

'A note?'

Taking the envelope out, I inspect the outside in search of a name, but it's blank. Curiosity building, I tear it open and pull out a simple folded piece of paper. To my surprise, when I open the card it is not the familiar chicken scratch I've come to recognize as belonging to Hanji, but a smaller, more elegant script.

Levi,

First and foremost, I apologize for not handing this to you in person.

I'm aware that you have made it very clear that you do not partake

In celebrating the holiday season, but it just did not seem right nor fair

For me to have given gifts to the members of your squad without giving

You a gift of your own. If this offends you, then I highly apologize; I only had

Good intentions at heart.

But in regards to this gift, I hope that it will somehow be of use

To you. With only a vague idea of your preferences, I did the best

I could with the sparse information and time frame available. If this does

Not meet your specified requirements, then I again apologize, and as this is

Now yours, please feel free to do what you wish with it. Though I admit

That this set will not be particularly useful in brewing. Perhaps you may use it

As a display piece? Or a serving set? Just some suggestions.

With each carefully written word, I become absorbed in the thought of the person writing this, and heat sears my ribs.

Finally, I wish to thank you.

You've done so much for me that I will never be able to repay it in

Full. I do not know if you realize this yourself, but you truly are

A kind person, Levi. The events of the past are nothing more than

Memories, and now that I know what those memories are, I feel as if I

Can better comprehend your feelings and intentions. Before, you

Were a puzzle to me, something of which I yearned to decipher. At times,

I believed that that was all you would ever be, but you helped change that.

Everything you told me the other day did not go unnoticed. Your story,

Your life, it is what has made you you, and I am deeply honored that

You trusted me enough with such personal information. I understand

Better now, and in many ways, I see even more similarities between us.

What I'm trying to say, is that you need not be ashamed or afraid

Of what cannot be changed. The past may be who you've been, but the

Present is who you are now, and that is what is most important.

The past is painful, I know of this, and it shouldn't be forgotten, but

You needn't face it on your own. There is a Celtic saying-

'One can endure sorrow alone, but it takes two to be glad'.

Do not blame yourself. Sometimes fate cannot be altered,

That is a reality of life. Instead, keep the memory of those who you care

For in your heart, so that they may ride with you wherever you

Go. I never knew them, but I needn't have to in order to understand

That they were important and cherished friends. Perhaps we can

Share the burden of their memory together.

I do not realize my heart is pounding until my eyes fall off the final word. With deliberate slowness I set the note carefully upon the sheets beside me, take out the parcel, and rip the paper from it.

In my hands sits the most unique tea set I've ever seen. Made entirely of polished wood, I gently draw my hands over its intricately carved surface, amazed by the sheer amount of detail. Strange patterns of interlocking lines that almost look like knots decorate near every inch of the kettle as well as the two cups that came along with it. Even to my untrained eye I see the marks of deep tradition in every notch, a design created from the mind of a person raised by a different culture of people from myself. However, as high quality as the details are, it is the center design that is truly astounding, and I gaze at it earnestly.

In the center of both broad side faces of the kettle is an eagle, wings lifted high with power and pride. Staring at it I know without knowing that this is the animal that she has chosen for me, and when I look into its sharp eyes, I see my own reflected there. He is fierce, and independent just as I am, yet he isn't alone. Just beside him, flying as gracefully and carefree as their living, peace symbolizing counterparts, are two delicate doves.

I stare at those doves. I stare at them for a long, long time.

I do not wilt; I do not cry. I am well beyond being capable of such things anymore, but gazing down at those two small birds, so carefully and lovingly crafted, a wave of emotion I have not felt in many years overwhelms me.

Perhaps it is due to me already being overwhelmed by Erwin's proclamation, but for once I don't have the energy to keep myself composed.

I do not wilt; I do not cry. Instead, I hold that wooden kettle in my hands as if it were the life essence of the world itself, raise it to my chest, shut my eyes, and just... remember.

xXx

The next morning sneaks up upon me, and I feel oddly exhausted when I wake. Normally being an early riser, I blink my eyes against the bright morning sunlight shining through my window, letting out a curse to ease the pain.

'What the hell am I doing, sleeping in?'

Rising out of bed I set about washing myself awake, throw on my uniform not soon after, and groom myself up properly. Though still out on holiday leave until after the beginning of the year, I will not stand leaving this room looking anything less than pristine.

Peering at myself in the mirror while adjusting the cravat around my neck, my eyes land upon an object sitting upon my nightstand: the kettle. All at once the previous night comes to mind, and I halt in my fussing. It's such a simple thing, that kettle, yet it somehow brought about more emotion from me than I have felt in years.

Avian truly is a talented woman at her craft. In all honesty, last night I didn't give much thought to the woman behind the masterpiece, but now it seems it is she who is at the forefront of my mind. I see her in a daydream, sitting at that same desk and chair as before, whittling away while the wood between her hands seems to come to life as if she is weaving a spell upon it. I cannot help but wonder what she was thinking while making it; if it was thoughts of Farlan and Isabel fueling her creative efforts, or thoughts of me. Probably both.

Flashing as vivid as day her face shines behind my eyes, those blue eyes looking like jewels above a beaming smile that I yearn to think is meant only for me.

'She worked so hard making all those in time. How many hours did she spend at that desk?' I ponder. 'And to go ahead and completely ignore the fact that I specifically told her I don't celebrate this time of year, yet she goes off and makes me something any damn way. Disobedient brat….'

My words are harsh, but I just can't bring myself to feel anything aside from appreciation, even if she did deliberately ignore my orders. It's always like that with her it seems, going the extra mile, staying carefree and relaxed around me even when I'm acting like a straight asshat…. I bitched at her the other day for that money thing, yet instead of being mad, she turns around and gives me something I didn't even ask for.

A tickle of a thought edges my mind.

'I need to pay her back.' I conclude. 'She went off and pulled this stupid crap… I need to make it even. I always make good with my debts, and this is the least I can do to make up for everything. I can't be indebted to a child midget like her.'

Immediately following that statement Erwin's face appears in my mind, and his warning plays in my ears, but just as quickly as it came I push it away.

'This isn't important enough to matter.'

With a goal set in mind, I return to the mirror and finish tidying myself up before grabbing up my mantle and throwing it about my shoulders. I'm not exactly sure why paying her back is suddenly so important to me, but I don't question it.

An odd determination grips me, and I set off back toward downtown Stohess to retrace our steps through the busy market streets, eyes scanning shop after shop in search of… something.

One day goes by, then two, then four. In my determination I set out every day, yet with each trip I always come back empty handed. Almost a week later, on the eve of the new year, I'm out yet again scouring businesses and shops, but just as it has been every other day, with each wasted trip inside a windowed store I fail to find what I'm hunting.

'What the hell am I even looking for!?'

I audibly growl loud enough to startle the couple passing in front of me but I ignore them, keeping my heated eyes pointed directly ahead.

'Been out here for hours every fucking day and I've yet to get anything! Nothing looks right, I've no idea what I'm doing, and it's cold as balls out here. What's even the point of doing this? I haven't the slightest idea what the hell to get her!'

Growling again in frustration, I cast a side glance at the shop window to my side.

'A carriage repair shop, yeah, that sounds freaking fantastic. I'll go and buy her a damn wheel cap, or maybe a nice, polished replacement window. Shit….'

This is utterly hopeless; I should have just kept my ass back at the office. I haven't the foggiest idea how to do this. I don't even know what she likes! I know she reads and fiddles with stuff, but she has books and puzzles already. I thought about getting her a piece of clothing to help her survive the winter better, but she has a jacket now, and I don't know what her taste in style is.

'I can always get something practical… like socks. Everyone can use those, right? But what kind of lame ass gift is that? What about flowers? Girls like flowers… but it's in the middle of fucking winter. Jewelry? Would Avian even wear any? She has that wooden necklace of hers that she never takes off already, bracelets can be easily broken, and everything else is just… uggh….'

I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I've never done this before, buying a gift for someone, and a female to boot.

'I should just give up; I'm wasting my time. But I can't. I need to make it up to her, I WANT to get her something. What though? Why are woman so difficult and complicated?'

My frown deepens.

'I can always get one later, when I have a better idea. Maybe I can ask Petra for help, or maybe Hanji….'

A sudden vision of the glasses wearing scientist laughing maniacally, holding up a titan limb and a handful of bloody experimentation/torture devises comes to mind.

'On second thought, I'll ask someone who still has a little sanity left.'

I hate this feeling, but after walking fruitlessly day after day, I finally resign myself to defeat and start following the river back to the Corps. Quickly the noise of voices, carriages, horses, and shops all drown away to silence, broken by nothing aside from the crunch of snow underneath my boots as I trudge my way back.

'This is fucking stupid. I'm an idiot. There's no reason for me to care so much about getting that woman anything. Gifts are pointless and a waste of money and time.' I ramble like I don't give a shit, though the tightness in my chest tells me otherwise. 'What else am I supposed to do?'

That's when I hear it.

At first I think it is just my mind playing tricks on me, until I hear it again, clearer this time as it dances on the wind, and instantly without a second thought I know what to get her.

It took a little bit of bargaining and a significant lightening of my wallet, but I don't mind the extra effort. Within the hour I'm able to return to base with wrapped parcel in hand, and feeling oddly satisfied with myself. Being the holiday season, most soldiers in the Corps have returned home to visit family leaving the building empty for the most part, so slipping in isn't a problem.

Scouting through bare halls I make my way cautiously toward Petra and Avian's shared quarters. Ears strain to listen for any hint of movement around me, but my progress remains unhindered and by some stroke of luck, their room is empty as well.

Slipping inside for only a quick moment, I scan my eyes over the arrangements until I spy Avian's bed, the only one surrounded by books with her new puzzles lying unsolved upon the nightstand, and make my way to it.

I place the parcel in the center of the sheets and turn to exit, but something stops me. Looking back, I stare at the gift lying there by itself, and frown.

'She left a note with mine.'

Walking back slowly, I spy a loose piece of paper and a quill from where Petra had been writing something down, a letter no doubt, and take them in my hands. For a moment I'm completely at a blank as to what I should write. I don't want it to be too long because I know for sure she'll recognize my handwriting, but I don't want to leave nothing at all. It's New Year's Eve now, but this is for Christmas, so should I put 'Happy Holidays'? No, that's lame as hell.

I stand there for far longer than I probably should have, glaring at the paper in my hand as if I can magically spring words into existence by sheer will.

'Why is this so hard?'

Is it because it's for her specifically? I feel like I shouldn't have to struggle like this, but at the same time I am not going to make a fool of myself.

'A little too late for that. It's already a whole damn week late….'

A sigh forces itself from my lips, I contemplate, then jot down the only thing I can think of.

Sorry it's late.

I probably should write more than just that, but a conflict of having so much I want to say with no idea how to say it plagues me. In the end I just leave it at that, fold up the paper much like she did mine, and place it on top of her gift.

As I leave and shut the door behind me, my heart pounds in my throat, and as I make my way upstairs to kill time until night sets, my body feels like it's holding its breath.

xXx

The scene inside the Corp's cafeteria is just the same as it was a week ago: completely barren aside from my squad, and much like before the air is filled with laughter and the scent of ale and wine as together we celebrate the coming of the new year.

"I could get used to this." Eld sighs in satisfaction, leaning back in his seat after taking a swig of drink. "Everyone is gone, it's quiet, and for the first time in a while this past year wasn't completely horrible."

"It really wasn't. I'm glad." Gunther answers him, also taking a swig. "Think this is the most productive year we've had so far. We sealed up Wall Rose, took it back, cleared out all of Wall Maria…. It seems almost unreal, ya know? "

Petra and Eld nod.

"It really does." The former agrees. "And we all made it through."

"Somehow." Gunther grunts before leaning back as well. "I guess it shouldn't be that much of a surprise. Ever since Erwin created S.O.A.R. casualties have dropped almost overnight. I can name a time or two where Gauche got me out of a pinch."

"Same here." Eld nods. "They are really talented people."

From across the table a loud snort disrupts the conversation, and Oluo leans forward on his elbows.

"Bah, you losers just lack skill. Talking about being saved… ha! I never once had to have anyone save my ass. I'm so powerful that not even the dumbest of those titan bastards dares to do anything to me!"

At his announcement Petra rolls her eyes.

"Here we go again…."

Keeping my annoyed thoughts to myself, everyone at the table sits blandly as the brazen man stands and braces his leg against the table, and from his drunkenly flushed face he lets out a whooping laugh.

"You should have seen those damn little shits!" He shouts, thrusting up his hand in triumph hard enough to spill wine over himself. "Their blood and skin flying in every direction as I hacked off their limbs! One nearly caught me in its mouth, but no one is strong enough to take down the great Bozado! All it did was make me annoyed, so you know what I did? You know what I DID!?"

"No one cares Oluo…." Gunther mutters, but the man ignores him completely.

"I cut its fucking head off its fucking neck! That's what!" Oluo announces. "And you know what else!? I hated that damn thing so much for trying to eat me that I took my swords and cut its eyes and ears straight off and shoved its own feet into its mouth! The thing was stupid that it just laid there and chewed its own toes off! What an idiot!"

Oluo breaks out into laughter that sounds oddly similar to the psychotic sounds made by Hanji, and I have to force myself take a large swig of alcohol just to tune him out.

Looking utterly uncomfortable and out of place, Eren stares wide eyed at his older team mate and gapes.

"Petra-san, is he… always like this when he's drunk?"

Petra sighs.

"Usually he isn't too bad, but this time he's gone way overboard."

"I see…" the boy mutters as Oluo goes off again, though no one is listening to his tangent.

Across the way Gunther leans around Oluo's body to look at Eren.

"Don't think too bad of him, kid. It isn't often we get to relax like this, so the poor guy is probably so stunned he doesn't know what to do with himself."

"You got that right." Eld mutters,. "At least the rest of us can handle our drinks, 'specially Corp over there."

Raising his glass to me, Eld nods respectively, a gesture that I return, and he takes a swig.

"Say," he continues, setting his glass on the table. "this table is looking off. Aren't we missing one?"

Giving a quick glance about us, I quickly take notice of the empty seat beside Petra and frown.

"I wonder what's keeping her." Gunther adds. "Any idea?"

Petra shakes her head.

"I spend the day visiting my father, so I haven't had the chance to see her."

Eren pipes up next.

"I can go look for her."

"Oh would you? She's probably in our room. You know where that is right?"

Eren nods, then stands and leaves. While he is gone the others chat to pass the time until Oluo finally gains the bright idea to sit back down in his seat and shut the hell up for a while. Minutes pass quickly as Gunther and Eld both chat about the visits they made today to see their own families, the door to the mess hall opens and Eren steps back inside alone. Raising a brow, I wait until the boy comes into earshot before speaking.

"So the idiot thinks she's too good for us and decided our company wasn't enough then?" I sass flatly, but the boy shakes his head.

"No, she's coming in a minute once she calms down."

My attention heightens, but I do my best to sound as uninterested as possible.

"Is she alright?"

"Yeah, just surprised."

"By what?" Petra asks.

"She found a package on her bed not too long ago," Eren explains and automatically my chest tightens. "and it looks like a late Christmas present or something. There was a note but no name."

"Weird." Gunther grunts. "Wonder who it's from."

"No idea." Eren shakes his head again. "It must be someone she knows though."

"One of the other S.O.A.R. members probably." Eld interjects. "What did she get?"

Just as Eren opens his mouth to reply the cafeteria door opens and my eyes lock on to a small form. Cradling a case in her arms, the table welcomes her with cheers and smiles as Avian joins us. Without thinking I scan over her, looking for anything remotely wrong with her, but I find nothing aside from a slight redness in the eyes. My gaze narrows.

"About time!" Petra grins, wrapping an arm around the woman. "What took you so long?"

"I apologize." Avian smiles back, taking a seat. "I would have been here sooner, but I was quite a mess before."

Petra's face falls into one of concern.

"What happened? Were you crying?" she asks, lifting a hand to drag her fingers under the slight puffiness of Avian's eyes.

'Crying? I didn't mean to make her cry.' I stare, feeling like an asshole, but my worries are swiftly pushed aside as the later woman chuckles under Petra's touch.

"Not too much, and not over anything negative I assure you." She smiles, and relief releases my chest. "It was happy tears."

"Still…."

Petra does not look entire convinced, the female soldier always concerned over her squad and bunk mate, but after a few seconds she seems to force her worries aside and brightens again.

"Well that's a relief. I'm glad you were able to join us."

"Me too. I honestly forgot about it, so I'm glad Eren came to fetch me." Avian praises, giving Eren a bright grin. "I am sorry you had to see me like that though. Twas not very slightly of me."

"I…it's fine." The boy stutters, growing pink over being singled out. "I'm just glad you're okay."

Avian smiles wider.

"Well seeing you always makes me feel better."

At this Eren's face turns completely red, and he jumps when Gunther suddenly throws an arm around his back with a whooping laugh.

"Ah, don't get embarrassed kid. Seeing you makes me feel all peachy too!"

"H… hey!"

Gunther laughs as he takes Eren into a headlock and digs his fist into the top of his head in a very big brotherly manner. As they yelp and Eren tries to get away, Oluo leans forward and slurs.

"So what 'cha got in the box?"

"Oh!"

Following his prompt the ginger sets the case in her lap, a difficult thing to do considering how small she is, and pops it open. A second later she sets the black case on the ground behind her and rests the wooden instrument in her hands down on her lap.

"A guitar?"

A look of what I can only describe as pure childish excitement colors Avian's face, and she smiles wider than I've probably have ever seen before.

"How cool! Those are expensive too!" Petra gasps in awe. "Who gave it to you?"

"I know not." The ginger answers. "But whomever they are, they are very generous."

"I'll say! I'm pretty jealous to be honest." Gunther states, Eren's head still in his arm.

"Same here." Eld joins in, looking curious. "I did know you knew how to play."

Avian nods.

"I learned from my father, though I'm far from skilled."

"Really?"

The man makes a noise of intrigue as Gunther finally lets poor Eren go, leaving the teen slightly red faced and gasping.

"How about you play us something?"

My heart gives a slight lurch as Avian blinks, looking slightly startled by the request, but she overcomes it quickly and nods.

"Sure. I'll give it a go."

The table falls quiet as the woman adjusts the instrument, keeping it laying against her legs because she isn't quite big enough to hold it properly, and she puts her hands into position. The first notes are just random, simple plucks of the strings as Avian gets acquainted with the sound of it, playing easy melodies and tunes to get the feel of things. After a minute or two of that her hands fall still. All eyes and ears are on her, even Oluo's for the most part, and with each second a little fire inside my ribs seems to grow.

Taking a steady breath she moves, and a song begins to play.

Instantly a foreign sounding song fills the air, light and airy and filled with energy. Though it must have been a good while since she last played, you couldn't tell, for her fingers move with purpose and practiced ease, naturally falling into an ingrained rhythm. Beside her Petra and Eren listen intently while Eld and Gunther lean back in their seats, enjoying the music. Oluo lays on the table with his head on his arms, faces still flushed red with alcohol, but even he seems to be enjoying himself.

Listening to the strange yet endearing way the notes swoop and lift in soft waves, an odd peace settles over me. My eyes never leave her face, addicted to the glow of joy emanating from her. I have never in my life seen her look so happy. Strumming the strings, pure ecstasy is all that shows upon her light features, and I stare at the warmth of her cheeks and the upward slant of her lips with earnest, ribs clenching tightly against my insides.

Then she begins to sing.

Look how the light of the town
the lights of the town are shining now
Tonight I'll be dancing around
I'm off on the road to Galway now
Look how she's off on the town
She's off on a search for sailors though
There's fine fellas here to be found
She's never been one to stay at home

Home you'll go and it's there you'll stay
And you've work to do in the morning
Give up your dream of going away
Forget your sailors in Galway

Her voice is so beautiful, possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. I can see the love of music flowing from her, and I cannot be more grateful to have bought her what I did. It's so amazing that the rest of the table just falls away from my surroundings. I've no extra attention to give unless it's for her, and just when I think it can't get any better, it does, for in the next moment her words slip from my understanding entirely.

Téir abhaile riú, téir abhaile riú
Téir abhaile riú Mhearai
Téir abhail gus fan sa bhaile
Mar tá do mhargadh déanta

It's such a natural transition that I didn't even notice at first. I've no idea what the hell she is saying, but I couldn't care less. I'm openly entranced by this talent of hers, and I pick up key differences in her speech that I've never noticed before. It's only now that I realize that she has a slight accent, one sung with the words so well that I'm almost disappointed that she doesn't speak it all the time. But just as quickly as it came she reverts back, and I can understand her again.

The end comes quicker than I would have liked, and when the final note sounds Avian beams at us.

"That was great!" Petra remarks.

"Very well played." Eld adds as Eren smiles.

"You're very good at playing." He states, and the ginger smiles to us all.

"Thank you…" she starts until Oluo's loud voice cuts her off.

"Ain't too bad coming from a weirdo midget like you." He announces gruffly, scratching the back of his head.

"Thank you…. I think?"

Oluo merely gives out a single, hoarse laugh before taking a drink.

Gunther shakes his head at the other man's antics before turning back to Avian.

"Hey, is it alright if I give it a go?" he asks, and the woman nods.

"Of course." She smiles, offering the instrument. "I'd love to hear you play."

"Psh, it'll be crap."

"You got that right."

Gunther glares at Oluo, knocks him on the side of the head with a balled up used napkin, then calmly returns to adjusting the guitar under his arm all while ignoring Oluo's slurring curses.

And so the rest of my team each take turns playing Avian's guitar. Gunther played a simple warm up tune and a few made up chords before passing it on to Eld, who surprised us all with his skill by playing a couple songs he learned from his own father. Against better judgment Oluo takes his turn, which ends up being the worst decision made that night and involved both Eld and Gunther wrestling the instrument out of his hands after the buffoon tried to use a dinner knife as a guitar pick. After him, I waved off my own turn, instead handing the instrument to Eren next. He was hesitant at first, but after some unwavering prodding, Avian was the only one finally able to convince him to give it a try, and he wasn't half bad. The teen ended his turn quickly, becoming too embarrassed by all the attention he was getting and passed it off to Petra, who played a simple children's song before returning the guitar to Avian again.

"You sure you don't wish to play longer?" the ginger asks, to which Petra shakes her head.

"Nah, I'm good. I really just want to hear you play something else. Do you know any other songs in that weird language you sang in before?"

Avian blinks.

"You mean my father's language? I do, though I think I only remember one fully anymore. The rest are a tad hazy to memory."

"That's fine! Do you mind playing it?"

"You won't be able to understand what I'm saying."

"Who cares!" the older woman urges. "It sounds amazing, and I don't think any of us have ever heard a language like that before."

Avian still looks slightly uncomfortable and looks about the table for support. Everyone nods, leaning in to hear more, and when her eyes finally reach mine they pause for a moment, lingering longer on me than she had on the others, and she keeps them there until I giver a slight encouraging nod of my own.

"Let's see what you got."

I guess the only person's reassurance she was looking for was mine, for it is only when I speak to her that she relents and takes up the guitar in her lap. Her warm up strums are quicker this time, and it only takes a second before more music pours from her fingers and strange words from her mouth.

Sé mo laoch mo Ghile Mear
'Sé mo Shaesar, Ghile Mear,
Suan ná séan ní bhfuaireas féin
Ó chuaigh i gcéin mo Ghile Mear

Bímse buan ar buairt gach ló,
Ag caoi go cruaidh 's ag tuar na ndeor
Mar scaoileadh uaim an buachaill beo
'S ná ríomhtar tuairisc uaidh, mo bhrón

I don't know what she is saying, nor do I care. I simply watch and listen to her sing, just happy to know that she is happy. What she has always said before, about music being in her blood, I truly believe it now. The way she looks now, how soft her face is, is far beyond anything I've seen. Nothing has brought such joy to her as this; not friends, not memories, not even her own horse. It's as if this act is a deeply rooted need of her heart, as crucial to her wellbeing as eating and breathing.

Watching her I lean my head against a clenched fist and close my eyes, allowing myself to mellow in the warmth growing in my chest.

'It feels like I'm falling in love with her again.'

Eventually this song too comes to an end, and I open my eyes to watch with a heavy heart as Avian returns the instrument to its case and closes it up.

"I do not wish for Oluo to try and break it again." She explains, resulting into man letting out an offended gasp.

"Break it!? I was playing a song you polka-dotted faced midget!"

In response Avian turns a hard eye to him and sassily remarks, "Were my father still alive he would sever off his own ears before listening to that atrocity."

"You got balls to lie like that to me, little girly!"

"Oh quick your whining." Petra interjects, "You know she never lies."

"And even if I had," Avian continues, "I highly doubt you would notice in such a deplorable state of mind as you are, though I am hard pressed to say how such manners differ from your customary behavior."

Mind clouded by booze, Oluo merely lets out an irritated growl, clearly not understanding the woman's vocabulary, and folds his arms.

"Showy-offy little midget…."

Both Petra and Avian roll their eyes together at his antics, and for a moment I fear that the ginger is offended by Oluo's drunken remarks, but in the next second a smile crosses her face. As always she moves on, harsh comments forgotten, and goes about carrying conversation with the others, enthusiastically leaning against Petra and Eren in good cheer.

Their talk lasts well into the night, and instead of joining in like I usually do with my team, I lean back and just watch them go.

I try not to, but as hours pass and I watch the happy faces of each of my subordinates, each more dear to me than I will ever admit, my mind can no longer put away the thought of what is impending on us.

As far as I know, this could be the last holiday we will ever have together, and just the thought of it leaves a sickening feeling in my gut. I want to be happy and enjoy this rare time of peace, but the itching of apprehension at the back of my mind is impossible to ignore. My lightheartedness from before is gone, the joy sucked out of me, and I cannot bring myself to break down the stony expression I know plasters my face.

Every now and again Gunther or Petra will try to get me to join in, but when I do not respond their grins falter slightly and they return to their own gossip, pretending nothing ever happened. Eld and Eren look my way a few times, both mildly curious about my cool behavior, but they too say nothing. Oluo is oblivious, constantly changing from being deeply offended to laughing his ass off at his own lame jokes, possibly not even registering anymore that I'm right beside him. Avian stares the most, doing that odd piercing look that overcomes her whenever she tries to figure me out, but I ignore even her.

'How many missions do we have left?' I wonder, staring at the wall. 'Escorting the refugees back to Wall Maria will start soon, that is what Erwin said, but just how soon will that be? A few months? A few weeks? Will our efforts to venture outside the walls be cut off entirely, even after all the progress we have made? I won't take it. My men have not died just for us to stop here. Returning the people to their homes is important, but Darius can't seriously be considering ending the Corps for good.'

Hundreds of other thoughts just like those run through my mind, each one pulsing through my veins with great heat, like adrenaline. There is a deep need inside of me to do something, anything, but there is not a thing I can do, which only pisses me off more.

I want to break something; to take out my frustration about this whole damn situation but I force myself to keep it subdued. The last thing Erwin wants is for me to fly off the handle.

At some point in time both Oluo and Avian leave the table for something, and the room gets significantly quieter. In this new stillness I'm slightly aware of a pair of green eyes upon me, and in a hesitant voice Eren calls out to me.

"Are you alright, Corporal?"

I slide a bland gaze to him.

"Yes, why? Do I look constipated or something?"

Eren bows his head.

"N… no! Of course not! It's just…" he mutters, wilting under the weight of my stare. "…you don't look like you've been enjoying yourself is all."

I let out a huff.

"It's just my face. I always look pissed off." I tell him, taking a sip of drink.

I feel more eyes focus on me, Petra's concerned, Eld's watchful, and Gunther's slightly curious, but just as before none of them pester me. They've been in my squad long enough to know that I do not answer such ridiculous questions. Eren on the other hand is a different story.

"It's not that…" the teen continues, bravely raising his head back up, but before he can finish his sentence a sudden, loud scream pierces the air.

I react in a reflex. Standing up so quickly that my chair clatters behind me, I'm already halfway to the kitchen where the scream sounded before anyone else at the table has time to respond.

"Was that Avian!?" I barely hear Eren state with worry.

I do not answer him, for in the next second I burst through the kitchen door. Deep, roaring laughter is what I hear first, and when I turn my head I see none other than Oluo, holding his sides and nearly crumpling to the ground in a drunken fit of hysterics, and Avian laying on the ground.

I rush to her side in an instant.

"That was fucking priceless!" Oluo chortles when I kneel beside the woman, the drunken man backing himself up into a counter so he doesn't fall backwards. "You look like you just shit yourself! Did you!?"

Picking herself off the ground, Avian's eyes are as wide as plates and she begins brushing herself off in a frenzy of movement.

"Where is it!?"

Oluo points to a spot on the floor near the ginger's foot, and following his finger I spy the hugest, hairiest, most disgusting spider I've ever seen in my life. Avian must have seen it as well, for she lets out another shrill scream and kicks out, scrambling backward in a panic which only makes Oluo laugh all the harder.

"You should have seen her face, Corporal!" He announces, losing himself. "It was perfect! She turned around just as I put that ugly bastard on her shoulder! That's what you get for talking shit about me, haha!"

Oluo's face is beet red from laughter, a few shades brighter than Avian's who sits with her hand clamped white-knuckled around her necklace, eyes still wide from shock, and he actually starts wiping tears from his eyes.

"That was fucking hysterical."

Beside me the woman says nothing, apparently focused on calming her erratic heart. I haven't seen her look this pale in a long time, and in the split second that I take to glance at her stunned face, something in me snaps.

"What the fuck are you laughing at."

My voice slices sharp as a blade through the air and instantly Oluo's laughter halts and he looks at me in surprise.

I feel ice flow through my body, clenching my fists together in chilly fury, and I pierce him with a glare so cold that the man flinches.

"What the fuck are you laughing at." I spit again as I stand. "You think that is funny, pulling a dickish move like that?"

The man visibly falters, turning into a stumbling mess, and raises his hands defensively.

"H… hey, I was just playing around. I wasn't t… trying to hurt her." He stutters.

His plea falls deaf upon my ears. I don't understand or care why I'm so angry. All I'm aware of is my strong desire to smash his smug face into a wall. I take a step forward to do just that, but a tug on the fabric of my pants stops me.

"Tis alright." Avian says, and I gaze down at her to see her face looking pretty much normal again. "Please don't be enraged. He was only jesting."

My gaze hardens.

"I don't give a flying fuck what he was doing." I answer honestly, trying to loosen the grip on my leg, but Avian doesn't relent.

"It was only a joke, and I admit I deserve it for how I have been speaking to him earlier." She continues, pinning me still with her eyes. "Don't punish him. It was an accident, I swear to you."

Cold steel and calm blue hold each other for a long time. I really want to just ignore her and beat the hell out of Oluo for being a douchebag, though I don't quite comprehend just why I'm so pissed off at a simple accident in the first place, but Avian's steady gaze keeps me still. It takes a few moments, but I eventually force my heart rate to slow, and ease my clenched fists open again.

I'm aware of four pairs of eyes watching the whole scene from the door, but I pay them no mind. Only when I feel as if I'm in control of myself again to I return to glare at Oluo.

"You've had enough, return to your quarters."

The man obeys my stern order without question, stiffly giving me a quick nod and salute before shuffling past me and out of the room. My eyes follow him, and when he is out of sight I turn to the four soldiers watching on next.

"The night is done. Clean your shit up and go."

Much like Oluo, Eren, Petra, Eld, and Gunther all obey me without another word. Only when their faces disappear from view and the kitchen door shuts closed do I return my attention to the woman beside me.

"You alright?"

Still sitting on the ground Avian nods.

"I'm fine, though I did manage to drop a cup when I jumped. I apologize."

Casting my eyes about the floor, it is only then that I notice shards of glass lying everywhere, glinting in the glow of torchlight.

"Did you fall?"

"No, just a slip. It was my fault entirely. I… don't think nor function very well when in a panic…. I promise that I am alright."

I turn a sharp gaze to her, eyes scanning over her automatically in search of injuries, and my eyes narrow.

"Well if you're fine, then what the hell is that."

At my statement I motion toward one of her hands supporting herself, and with a blank expression Avian glances down and turns it over.

"Oh." Is all she says when she finally notices the deep cut in her palm that has created a nice, smeared bloodstain on the floor.

'Tch. Damn idiot.'

Kneeling down beside her I take her hand in my own and inspect it.

"That's just great, there is still glass in there." I growl in irritation, frowning as small little blood trails begin making their way over my fingers and down her arm.

Without thinking I pull out a handkerchief from the pocket of my uniform, wrap up her wound, and pull her up to stand. Surprisingly the woman doesn't protest when I lead her through the door, and I barely slow my pace when I pass the table where Eren and the others are cleaning up.

"Eld, Gunther, there's glass and blood on the floor in there. Clean it up."

Both men nod, and beside them Petra and Eren look on in concern.

"You okay?" Petra asks, and Avian nods.

"Just a scratch."

Eren speaks up next, taking a few steps forward.

"That looks like it's bad." He mentions, staring at the blood trails on the woman's arm. "Did you want help cleaning up Avian?"

"I'll take care of her." I harshly interject, pinning the young boy with a sharp eye. "You stay here and help clean up this mess."

Eren stiffens at my hard tone, and he is quick to obey my orders. With a swift 'Yes, sir!' he whirls back around, and only when I'm satisfied that they will do their jobs properly do I stalk through the mess hall door into the empty halls beyond.

I sort of pull Avian behind me to give her no chance to weasel away, and the air is silent between us as we head toward the room she shares with Petra. Once there I wordlessly shut the door behind us when we enter and stiffly direct her to a chair.

"Sit."

The ginger does as she is told as I make a beeline for the cabinet in their bathroom, quickly riffling through it for antiseptic, tweezers and bandages before returning to the main room. I feel her eyes hot upon my skin as I draw up another chair to sit directly across from her, and I do not permit myself to meet her gaze until I have everything I need laying neatly on the table beside us.

With tweezers at the ready I turn and open my palm to her.

"Hand."

The woman doesn't move.

"I can treat my own…."

"Give. Me. Your. Hand."

Avian's mouth snaps shut at the dark tone of my voice, I hold her steady gaze, not in the mood to put up with her self-reliant bullshit, and I do not move a muscle until the woman eventually gives in. Eyes downcast, she puts her injured hand in mine.

Grasping her wrist to keep her still, I swiftly begin picking tiny glass shards from her palm and drop them one by one on the table beside us. The ginger watches me work in silence, completely unflinching as I gently tug and dig out every last splinter. Even the alcoholic sting of antiseptic doesn't appear to faze her.

The quiet remains unbroken as I work, keeping my eyes carefully centered on the task at hand, and as minutes tick by my irritation slowly begins to ease, though my mind is a different story. Against my will it begins to wander back toward Erwin's warning again, and I harden my scowl at the thought.

"What ails you?"

Her voice is nothing more than a soft whisper, but it's enough to make me pause for only a moment to slide my eyes up to hers before returning them to her hand.

"Why do you ask? Am I wearing a weird face?" I lightly dodge, grabbing a roll of bandage from the table.

Avian frowns.

"You have been subdued all night. Is there something on your mind?"

"Nope."

"Are you fatigued?"

"Not really."

"Ill?"

"Your questions are really annoying."

The ginger's mouth draws tight as I start wrapping up her bloodstain free hand.

"There is no reason to be so curt."

"Then quit asking stupid questions."

"They are not stupid." The woman frowns harder. "I've been observing you all night, and not once did you appear to be enjoying yourself."

"I apologize. I'll try my best to make sure I meet your expressive emotion quota next time. What did you want me to do, start cackling manically like that damn four-eyes?" I sass back, which earns me nothing but a hard stare.

"No. But any sort of visual manifestation of enjoyment would be appreciated." She continues. "You always look so miserable all the time."

"It's just my face."

"No, it's not." Avian pushes. "I have taken notice that you rarely choose to express yourself, especially positively. Why is that so?"

"I just don't feel like it." I shrug. "What, you got a problem with that?"

"Yes, I do. Tis not healthy to close yourself off like so. We are your friends, you should be comfortable enough around us to articulate yourself openly."

I let out a single, coarse huff in the sound of a sarcastic laugh.

"That's never going to happen."

"Why not?"

"I'm not good with emotions."

"Now don't say that…."

I shift and raise a doubtful eye.

"I'm serious." I continue dully, holding her gaze so she can understand my point. "Since you're so abnormally short it should be no surprise that this goes over your head, but in case you haven't noticed I'm way to fucked up to feel anything like a normal person."

"Don't say that." Avian repeats in a much sterner tone. "You know how I feel about untruths."

"I'm not lying." I counter just as firmly. "With all the shit I've seen, I'm surprised I can feel anything anymore."

"Of course you can, why wouldn't you? I've seen it myself. You have the capacity to be just as upbeat and compassionate as any other."

I let out another sarcastic laugh.

"Now that's news to me. And here I thought I was nothing but an asshole."

"You are not such a horrid thing." Avian scowls. "Quit calling yourself that. You have more expression than you realize, for I've seen it. The only thing I've yet to understand is why you choose not to show it. Smiling is not that difficult of a task."

"It is for me"

"Then let us fix that."

At this Avian shifts in her seat so she can stare me down, and I pause in my wrapping to watch her.

"Try it."

I raise a brow.

"Try what?"

"Try to smile."

"No."

My answer is curt, leaving no room for argument, but the woman ignores my tone.

"You are making this difficult."

"No, YOU are making it difficult." I spout back, irritation beginning to come back. "I'm not going to do something so stupid."

"Tis not stupid!" she frowns. "Do not test me. I'll make you if I have to."

A heavy scowl pulls down my face, and with a deft tug I secure the rest of the bandaging around her palm and stand.

"This is ridiculous…." I mutter under my breath, shoving my chair back toward the wall before heading toward the door. "I'm leaving."

I hear a chair scrape the ground.

"No."

I peer back over my shoulder and glare at the woman's severe complexion.

"Excuse me?"

"I said no." Avian clarifies. "I'm not finished speaking with you yet."

"Well I am." I frown and reach for the door, but before I can open it I hear a swift patter of feet, and suddenly the ginger is in front of me, blocking the door.

"No. Not until you lighten up."

I can't believe it. I'm stunned by the sheer audacity this woman has, just outright disobeying her commanding officer. Instantly Corporal Levi rises into action, and I glare down at her coldly.

"Move out of the way, Conner."

"NO." she insists, boldly holding my gaze. "I've had it with you. Always acting as if there is nothing that can please you in this world. You're NEVER happy; not after a successful mission, not while bonding with comrades, not even during a time of rest like this! Just once I'd like to see you enjoy yourself, to convey any other manner of emotion aside from your glaring and scowls."

"Why the hell is this so important all of a sudden?" I growl back.

"It has always been important; I just kept hold of my tongue in hopes that you would take such an action upon yourself. Everyone down the hall was having a grand time, yet we couldn't bring ourselves to fully enjoy the night because we were too aware of the stoic corporal in our midst. One smile, just one smile is all I ask of you, yet you still fight. Petra and the others deserve to have as much fun as possible, and they can't do that when they are preoccupied with wondering what their unyielding captain will think. So, I've decided to take matters into my own hands, and I will not let you return to them until I know that you won't bring them down."

"This is the dumbest shit I've ever heard." I growl mentally and mutter out loud at the same time. "You've had way too much to drink and it's pissing me off."

"I've nary touched a drop of ale all night." Avian counters. "I'm just fed up with you constantly hiding behind your cold demeanor. And I'm not afraid of you."

Her voice is completely resolute, filled with determination the likes of which I haven't heard in a while, and before I have a moment to respond to her bold statement her hands flash forward and I feel her fingers assault my sides.

"What the fuck are you doing!?"

I brush her hands away, but just as quickly as I got them off they are on me again, this time tickling just under my arms.

"Trying to lighten you up." Is all she replies.

"Well stop! You're fucking annoying!"

"I'll stop once you learn how to smile."

"You're insane!"

"You're infuriating."

I growl as I dislodge her fingers from me again, but she's so quick and filled with determination that they merely move up to tickle my neck.

"This is the only thing that ever made Rom smile, so if it worked for him it will work for you."

"I said stop!"

"Make me!"

"ENOUGH."

My irritation reaches its peak, and with a movement as swift as a bolt of lightning I snatch Avian's wrists, wrench them up, and pin them against the door behind her. Sharp steel meet icy blue, and Avian glares at me with a surprising amount of heat.

"What is your problem!? Why are you so determined to look absolutely miserable all the time!?"

"Why the hell does it matter?" I snarl back, keeping a tight grip on her wrists. "Maybe I am miserable, so what? It's my damn business and you should keep your fucking disobedient nose out of it. Why is a stupid thing so damn important to you?"

"Why?" she gapes up at me. "It's important because we care about you, Levi! We want nothing more than for you to be happy and have a good time with us, but you never do! We are all dedicated to you because you are our corporal, but we want more than that! You know everyone would like you more if you actually smiled instead of frowning all the blasted time."

"Like? Who said anything about like?" I scoff. "They are soldiers, they know better than to form emotional attachments to others."

"You sound as if you don't expect them to be attached to you. That's preposterous!"

"They aren't. You've got to be an idiot to think that anyone would be so naive."

Though both her arms are pinned above her, Avian looks about ready to slap me.

"Do you hear yourself? You are Lance Corporal Levi, of course people are going to like you!"

"Pfft." I huff, unable to hide my ridicule. "You're dumber than you look if you believe that."

I harden my gaze on her, enough to freeze her in place, and scorn.

"But since you're so confident, then tell me. Who, out of all the dipshits in this damn place, actually likes me?"

At this her face hardens as well.

"Erwin likes you."

I roll my eyes.

"He is my commander and I'm his corporal, nothing more."

My voice is dismissive as if I'm speaking to an ignorant child, but the woman doesn't back down.

"Hanji."

"Four-eyes is a fucking psychopath who loves titans more than herself."

"Gunther"

"He trusts me as his captain. That isn't the same as liking someone."

"Eld"

"Same as Gunther."

"Oluo."

"He's dedicated to me because I saved his life once before, that's all."

"Petra."

"She's a hard worker who has given her life to the Corps. She'd act just the same under anyone else's command."

"Eren."

"Eren is an idiot."

Avian pauses for a split second, then speaks again.

"Farlan and Isabel liked you."

I don't know what comes over me then, some sort of indignation, but at the mention of those two names, names belonging to the dearest people I've ever met, the names that coincide with my deepest, darkest regret, something in me snaps.

"NO."

I'm tired of her stupid game. Erwin's face is a shadow behind my eyes, a reminder of the grim possibility that everything we have been working toward for years could all go down the shithole, and without meaning too my apprehension over the whole thing bubbles over and I find myself lashing out at her with sharp remarks.

"You don't get it, do you!?"a snarl suddenly bursts from my mouth, and the ginger visibly jolts back at the harshness of it. "NO one should be liking anyone. NO one should care about someone, it's fucking pathetic. We are in a WAR. Every day, with every mission more and more of us are killed, bitten, crushed, ripped into pieces by those damn titanic bastards. We're lucky if we make it back to the Walls in one piece, let alone alive. This is the Recon Corps we are talking about here. We suffer the most casualties out of anyone, we suffer the most pain, we grieve over the most dead, you know this! And yet you still hold on to that damn naïve bullshit as if it's possible to do your duty, survive, and care about your squad mates all at the same time!"

I know I should stop, but my eyes are blurred red, and words just pour out from me in a wave. My chest burns, yet even with my lungs on fire I do not stop. In all honesty I'm not sure if I'm even speaking to her anymore.

"All bonds ever do is bring about more pain, more regret, so I just got to the point where I just stopped caring. It's better that way. If you don't feel anything toward a person, then you won't feel anything when they die, it's simple as that. Petra and the others are fools for allowing themselves to become as close as they have. It'll only fuck them up later. Caring for people is stupid and useless; liking someone is even worse. You can't care about someone and do your job at the same time, it's impossible. Your mind will just be focused on the one person that's more important to you than all the rest instead of the objective, and it always ends up getting them killed. It happens all the time. A soldier cannot fully dedicate their life to humanity's cause if they'll be distracted with worry over a significant other. You can't do both. It's either one or the other, that's it. And anyone who tries to do both by liking someone is a fucking dumbass and deserves to die, because that's all they'll ever be good for."

I don't know where all of that came from. A toxic concoction of the Corps impending disbandment along with my own personal struggles have congealed into one, festering mess, and has now reached the point that the only way to get rid of it is to throw it up in some hate filled rant. It's wrong, to just suddenly throw all that out there like this, I know it is, but I just couldn't take it anymore. The inner struggle I've had to deal with concerning my feelings for Avian and doing my duty, coupled with her shenanigans tonight, her insistence on finding out what is wrong with me, her determination to try and start convincing me to be happy…. It was just too much.

But now the words and frustration have run out. The buildup I've had for weeks has drastically been alleviated, and as I stand there, letting my heart return to a normal pace, I'm aware that I feel lighter. I had no idea just how much pressure I've had built up inside, but now that that strain is gone I feel one hundred percent better and more like myself.

'Maybe a good vent was all I needed.' I muse, feeling pretty good about myself, but as the redness fades from my vision and I return to my body, I cast my eyes upwards and my heart plummets.

She didn't move a fraction the entire time I fumed, wrists still pinned above her head in a vice grip, and I'm horrified to see that Avian looks on the brink of tears. Her eyes are wide, jaw slack, and her gaze holds so much hurt that it physically pains me to see it.

I spy all manners of emotions play across her pale face, second after second going by without her speaking a word, and with each tick my throat burns more and more.

I don't know what to say. I fucked up, just like I always do. I lost control of myself again, and now I'm forced to watch it affect the only person of whom I wish could have never heard that.

She is silent, staring at me with those round blue eyes, and almost as if in slow motion she opens her mouth an utters a simple, soft, heartbroken phrase.

"I like you..."

I can almost feel acid pierce the center of my chest.

'I'm an asshole, a straight up fucking dickheaded asshole.'

All of my irritation is gone, fallen down the yawning pit that has now formed in my stomach. I fucked up. I fucked up bad. It's just like that night all those months ago, when she told me she was dating that Tubber bastard, I cut her down back then too. My eyes are frozen wide, unable to look away from her, and it's her expression that wrenches me so deeply.

She was so happy just a few hours ago. I watched her as she laughed and sung with the others, but now all that joy is dead because of me. Her face is so heartbroken with her shoulders fallen loose and her eyes glistening with wetness, yet even with as dejected as she appears there is one emotion that I do not see, and it is that realization that kills me the most.

There is no surprise. All other emotions dance in her orbs, but in that befuddlement of emotion, she doesn't look surprised by my outburst at all. It's like...

'… she expected this to happen.'

What sort of person am I? What sort of unredeemable douchebag am I? It shouldn't be this way. Never should she expect this from me, NEVER. But obviously she does.

I want to hit myself for my own stupidity. I made this happen; I caused her to expect this from me. Out of all the people on this shitty planet, Avian is the one person who I've never wanted this to happen to, but how it has.

She still hasn't moved, body paused in a moment of time, but even though she makes no sound, face stoic as if trying to remain composed, the water in her eyes still builds.

'No.'

My hands hastily let go of their grip upon her, allowing her arms to fall down to her sides, and they automatically move to cup her face.

'No no no no no no….' Is all I can think as her eyes bunch slightly at my touch, and a single tear finally escapes and carves a trail down her cheek. 'No no no… please don't cry… please….'

I'm frozen. I don't know what to do. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, I truly didn't.

I gape at her helplessly as she takes a deep, shuttering breath, causing another tear to fall. She's fighting so hard to stay composed, but she's quickly losing her battle. There is no hiding how deeply my words wounded her, and watching her struggle against herself is pure torture.

My mind is a complete blank, wiped clean in shock, yet as more and more water escapes from between her dark lashes, something happens.

I move without thinking, driven by some deeply rooted instinct, and before I even realize what I'm doing, our lips meet. It's quick, just a light brush before I catch hold of myself and draw away, but by then it's already too late.

Avian looks just as surprised as I feel, both of our eyes wide at what I had just done, and for a foolish moment I believe that I'm in control again. However, in the next heartbeat my chest constricts to an extreme degree, the fire I've been feeling off and on ever since our day in Inner Stohess raking my entire body, and suddenly I don't feel like fighting it anymore.

Still holding her face I draw her to me again, and this time I don't hold back.

A feeling like lightning strikes through my body. Never could I have imagined she would taste this sweet. There is nothing but the lingering hint of the hot tea she had drunk and the sugariness of dessert upon her lips, and she's so soft. I want nothing more than to drown in her, to lose myself in everything that she is; her tenderness, her sweetness, her beauty…. It's intoxicating.

Oh God how I've wanted this.

I don't think. I can't think. My world consists of nothing but her; aware of nothing but the feel of her against me. I hardly notice that I've leaned forward, pushing her gently against the door in my want to be as close to her as possible, and to my delight Avian allows me.

She responds to everything I do. The closer I push against her, the more she melts back into me. When my hands slide to thread into her hair, her own delicate fingers glide over my shoulders to keep me there. The deeper I kiss her, the more passionately she kisses back.

For just this moment, there is nothing but us. There is no Corps, no army, no humanity. There are no titans, no miseries, no death. For once there is nothing but goodness and wonder and beauty, and I greedily take of it all.

I've no idea how long we stay like that, I couldn't care less if it had been years, but at some point air calls to us and with one final, longing kiss we break. Both of us take to catching our breaths, and with my forehead leaning against hers, I just stare. Those blue eyes are so close to me, stunning in their brilliance, and I wonder over the intricate pattern of her irises as if they are the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I bask in her vision, those ocean orbs staring back at me in such complete abandon, but even a scene as wonderful as this has to come to an end.

All at once realization hits me at what has just happened, and my chest freezes.

'What have I done?'

In a flash as if her skin were on fire I let her go and step back. I shouldn't have done this, I shouldn't have even thought about it. I'm in too deep, so far so that I know I'll never be able to recover. This is exactly what Erwin was trying to prevent, what I've been trying to prevent. This can't happen. We are soldiers. Either of us could die at any moment. There is no room for love here, and even worse I'm her superior. Our relations are completely illicit, even if she is in another squad. Romances between cadets and officers is completely forbidden, they break rank, and we could be discharged for what we have just done.

A rigid force takes hold of me then, and as smooth as ice my face falls back into its customary emotionless mask. Without warning I gently draw a surprised looking Avian away from the door and open it.

"Sleep."

My order is bland and curt, and I can feel her gaze upon me, but before she can speak or I can crack in resolve, I step out and close the door behind me.

I walk upstairs in a daze, everything and nothing running through my mind, and without having to think about it I clean myself up, change out of uniform, and crawl into bed.

The sheets feel stiff against my skin as I stare at the ceiling, and my body is held still as my consciousness battles in my head. I messed up…. I messed up and gave in. A sinking feeling pulls at me then, and I wonder what the hell will happen now. All I can do is hope that no one finds out, Erwin especially. He warned me about becoming too involved with her, but it's too late. I'll never come back from this, she's my weakness now, yet even weighted down with apprehension at what will come a higher, more potent energy fuels my limbs.

Even though I'm alone I can still feel the warmth of her body against my chest, and when I close my eyes I can feel her lips against mine and taste the sweetness of her.

My chest tightens. I want more, I'm desperate for her.

I shift to my side, draw my sheets to me, and dig my face into my pillow pretending it's her, but it just isn't the same. I want the feel of her delicate body against mine, the warmth of her arms upon my shoulders, the softness of her hair in my fingers and brushing against my face. I want her.

My eyes remain closed the entire night, but I do not come close to sleeping.

*Author's Note*

I really, truly, honestly cannot say anything except that I'm so, so sorry. I was without computer for about a month and a half, and I have been so exhausted from work that I could cry, but that is no excuse. This shouldn't have been this late, and I apologize for any typos and errors. Lightning struck my house a while ago while I was writing and killed the computer, so I lost everything and had to start over. That plus work… I worked over 60 hours that one week… I just…. I want to cry. I really, really do. I still hope that these past two installments are acceptable, but I won't feel bad if you guys get on to me about these chapters turning out like shit, because I know it did. I won't write too much today, I just wanted to get this done and out because I've made you guys wait long enough already.

LightMidnight- I'm glad you are enjoying the story so much, and thank you for the support! I'm glad it helps you with your own writing as well. We authors have to support each other!

AzTec999- Thank you for the review and compliments! As you've probably noticed I always fret over Levi being in character, so it always helps to keep hearing that I write him well. And Avi is a bit like Luna isn't she? Never thought about that before but it makes sense. Luna is a tad more out there though, which I love. Stay weird Luna.

FearIsAnIllusion13- Please don't cry! Hopefully you aren't to mad at me for making you wait for another update after so long! *cries* I'm glad you are enjoying the story!

Guest- I highly appreciate the critique, and I'll do my best to showcase her intelligence later on. I admit that I have not done that well enough, but that is what you guys are for, to help us writers hone our craft. Please, if there is anything else you'd like to mention for me to work on, please do!

Guest- Well, hopefully my story doesn't ever make you want to gag into your cats litter box. That's not good lol. I thank you for your support, and we can bask together in anxious waiting cause after this chapter… I've no idea if the ship has arrived at Canon island yet. That's for Levi to decide.

Aboutaweekago- I thank you so much for your support and internet cookies. They make me happy c: I do very much like Jean and Erwin as well. They are highly interesting, and I'd love to see how far they will go. Oh, and Sasha too, cause she went from slight comic relief potato girl to massive BAMF in, like, a single chapter. You go girl!

Punkiebug84- First off before I forget, if you haven't found it already you can read the manga at for free. Anyway, back to the reply, I thank you so much for your positive words. I need them desperately as of late, and it gives me such encouragement to keep on going even when I'm feeling like utter shit. As far as the illicit relationship is concerned, the way I understand it is that relationships period are a no go in the military, as people become distracted. It can also lead to some nasty usurp of power if handled incorrectly, and officers who are in love with another soldier may have their judgment clouded out of concern for their significant other, thus threatening the possibility of making a sound decision. That's how I take it anyway.

Guest- You better catch up on some sleep now. I've made you wait long enough as it is… *cries* Hopefully these two chapters were worth the wait.

OrangeWithAfro- 'Your neck is closer to the ground than mine'… I nearly killed myself over that. God I love Hanji so much lol. I really do thank you for your concern about my health as well. It really means a lot to me, and I do try to take care of myself, but it's pretty difficult. Just a word to the wise, don't go into retail and NEVER go into management, especially if it deals with stocking and you are the only one in your department. 60 hour weeks are not fun, trust me.

Wendy- Is this the same as Orange, cause those review are PRETTY SIMILAR *stares* I'm just kidding lol, but I thank you for your concern as well. Just as I stated above I'll do my best but eh… we shall see. Oh, and the weather is bipolar here… yesterday it was in the 90's and blistering hot, today it's freaking storming and I'm having to wear two jackets. Yeah…

Anahita with flowers- I thank you for the review! And I'm glad you are enjoying the story and everything still seems to be going nicely. I do my best!

Jin95- Alright calm down there speedy, TWO DAYS!? OAO You have my respect reader. *bows* I hope my writing continues to improve and the pace isn't to horrid (aside from these past two chapters cause we all know I jacked that up…)

Alrighty, well I guess that is it for now. I can safely say that all the relationship development shit is pretty much over now, and next chappy will be return to action as the squad has a mission to complete, but hopefully I'll get it out sooner than I did this. I don't know… Luck has been bad here lately. Anyway, thank you everyone for all your support and lovely comments. As always please leave your thoughts and comments in a review and I'll see you all next chapter.

-Ambi

EDIT: Forgot to add on the songs xD *shot* Anywho for those who are interested in them, links for the two songs Téir Abhaile Riú and Mo Ghile Mear sung by Avian in this chapter can be found on my profile page C: