Authors Note: Thanks for your reviews.
Chapter 28 – To Love Somebody
'I live and I breathe for you, but what good does it do if I ain't got you? Baby, you don't know what's it's like to love somebody the way I love you.' – Michael Johns
Kate glanced at the yellow rose she had found on her desk that morning and she smiled. Her gaze shifted to the empty chair beside her desk and a wave of longing to look into Castle's blue eyes swept over her. It was funny to think back to those early days of their relationship when she used to pray that he wouldn't show up for a day or two so she'd have some peace…and now; well it was so very easy to miss him now, and days without his presence dragged by endlessly.
A glance at her watch told her that she wouldn't be without him for long and another soft smile graced her face. He had arrived at her door with her coffee in hand that morning, telling her that he wanted to be sure she had her caffeine fix while he was locked away in meetings with his publisher for the morning. She had been disappointed not to see a flower in his hand, as she now had four different blossoms in a vase on her nightstand. He had seemed amused by the way her gaze kept darting back to his empty hands and he had given her one of those smiles that made her heart flutter before he had kissed her goodbye, telling her he'd be at the precinct later.
Her flower had been waiting on her desk and she had laughed softly in the empty bullpen, wondering just how early he had gotten up that morning that he was able to have a rose on her desk and a cup of coffee at her door and still be ready for his meetings. Kate reached out a fingertip and allowed it to graze against a silky petal. It was amazing how quickly one could become accustomed to such things. She hadn't even realized that she was the type of girl who liked getting flowers just because…but then again, she couldn't recall that anyone else had taken the time to find out what kind of girl she was. They saw the badge and the attitude, the tough exterior and it seemed to brand her as a girl who didn't go in for such things and maybe somewhere along the way she too had began to think that she wasn't that type of girl…in this instance she was happy to be proven wrong…and by Castle at that. She laughed to herself; there was a time when that would've driven her crazy.
When exactly had things changed, she wondered. Was there a specific moment when her heart had rebelled against her head and its warning sirens regarding the man that she now called her partner…and in the most secret places of her heart, the man she called hers? What had lead to that first crack in the wall? Had it been when she told him about her mother and he didn't react the way everyone else had. He hadn't tried to give her empty words of comfort or words of apology. He had listened, questioned, and then allowed her out of the conversation without probing deeper into her emotions. She was still surprised sometimes that she had told him so early on, and the fact that she had given him that vital piece of information about her life only served to prove that despite her annoyance with him, he had, somehow gained her trust and trust wasn't something she gave easily or willingly…but she had given it to him in a matter of weeks without any qualms.
They had became friends, good friends even though he had upset her balance by poking into her mother's case but then, surprisingly, she had forgiven him and they resumed the relationship and suddenly it had felt like there was something a little deeper between them then there had been before but she hadn't wanted to think about that back then.
It was already growing stronger by the time Heat Wave was released and she had been at war with herself over whether she wanted him to go and write the James Bond series or to stay with her. She had tried so hard to tell herself that she wouldn't be bothered if he went; she had even tried to convince herself that she wanted him to go…but the truth was that after their argument at the party she had gone home feeling betrayed and abandoned.
Kate rolled her eyes at herself, she still felt silly over that, but she also still remembered the relief that she had felt when he had decided to stay and the knowledge that he would be at her side everyday just as she had gotten used to, and then there was that warm feeling that always lingered in her heart whenever she recalled or read those words, 'To the extraordinary K.B.'. Those simple words had made her feel special, and when she read them she always felt like maybe she was a little more than what she thought she was, not that she thought she was extraordinary in any way…it was just that she thought that maybe Castle saw something in her that no one else did, including herself.
He'd been her rock during the Coonan case, offering to do anything or nothing, putting up his own money to help her. He gave her support during the case and after. He opened his home to her when she lost hers. He had made an effort to protect her, he had saved her life. Those feelings had been growing during all of that time, and she couldn't even say it had been without her notice…because she had been jealous of Kyra…and that girl on the most eligible list…and Ellie Munroe…and Gina…and later on, Serena…and Jacinda. Hell she was still licking her wounds over Jacinda, but at least she could admit now that she had been jealous…or at least she could admit it to herself…and maybe her mother whenever the day came that she would decide to tell her the whole story. There was no point in confessing to Lanie. Lanie had that terrible ability to be all knowing and wise…there was little that got by her….especially where she was concerned.
She and Castle seemed to grow closer every year. They had their ups and downs, their jealousies, their tragedies in the forms of friends who turned out to be people they hadn't thought they were. He stood by her every step of the way with her mother's case…he carried her out of the hanger that night when Montgomery died…and then he had tried to save her from a bullet…he had hovered over her as she lay bleeding in the grass…he told her he loved her. The last thing she had heard before the world went black was his voice saying that he loved her, and a part of her couldn't help but think that if she had been able to, she would've whispered those words back to him before the world faded away.
She swallowed hard, her fingers still brushing across the petals of the rose. Before the world went black that day, she had though that those words of love from Castle would be the last ones she would ever hear…and then she had woken up in the hospital…and she had panicked. She couldn't handle it, not with the state of chaos her mind had been in, and then there had been that little voice in the back of her mind that occasionally whispered that he might not have meant it, that he might have only said it because he thought she was going to die, and that only increased her fear of saying anything about his confession and so she had sent him away and she had ran.
Kate frowned, she had ran and he had let her. Castle had always in one way or another, chased after her when she ran away. He always called or texted, he always tracked her down at the precinct or at home. That night before she had received the call from Montgomery, he had called her 24 times…so when he allowed her to run away it had been out of character and it had unnerved her, making that little voice of doubt all the louder. It was true that she hadn't attempted to contact him during those three months, despite her father almost pleading with her to do so, but he hadn't made an effort either. He could've found her if he had wanted to, he could've called her phone, she would've answered…at least she liked to think she would have, but he didn't and she closed herself off from the world and then had to face his anger when she came home.
She knew now that he had meant those words, and she knew that one day when they had that talk she promised him that she would have a lot of explaining to do…and she would…but just not yet. She wasn't ready to go there yet. She'd rather they be stronger before they had that talk. She wanted to bask in this new stage of their relationship for a little longer, because she had to admit that being the object of his affection was a wonderful thing to be and she just wanted to hang onto it for awhile. They had suffered enough drama with their rough spot and the upheaval of her life with the return of her mother. She just wanted them to have some measure of happiness for awhile; she wanted to have that warmth and contentment, the knowledge that she had his arms to sink into, that she had his affection and that she could give hers in return. Her plate was already full and she didn't want to throw a confession at Castle when she might not be in a place to handle the fall out. She'd rather wait…and she hoped that didn't make her a terrible person…because she wanted to make this work…she wanted to be everything she could be for him. She loved him.
That thought startled her and she didn't know why. Of course she knew that she loved him…but knowing didn't necessarily mean she had allowed herself to admit it…even if only in her own mind and thoughts. She loved him. She smiled, whoever would've thought it would feel so good to just think those words. She loved him…and yet it was still fragile and complicated. The smile faded and the frown returned, good god, she went up and down like a yo-yo where emotions were concerned. That had to be her mother's fault, she was on her own emotional rollercoaster and it must be rubbing off on her.
Kate shook her head; she had to quit day dreaming about Castle and get to work. He'd be there soon enough and when he was she'd pull him aside and ask him if he was free for the evening, because she had taken it into her head to be domestic and she was going to cook dinner…she wanted to cook for him.
"Wow," Kate thought to herself, it must be a day for miracles, she was not only being honest with herself but now she was ready to go home and play Betty Crocker. Yeah, flowers and coffee, and thoughts of love would do that to a girl. There went her badass image...or maybe not, she thought, she could always swear him to secrecy.
A shadow fell across her desk and she groaned as she looked up at the smirk on the face of one Javier Esposito.
"Where's Castle?" he asked; his dark eyes gleaming with amusement.
"He had meetings with his publisher," she answered as she briskly pulled her fingers away from the flower she had been toying with.
He nodded, his astute gaze flicking towards the yellow rose. "So…he's bringing you flowers now…sounds serious."
Kate narrowed her eyes at him. "Who said it was from Castle?"
He laughed. "Well it wasn't from Ryan, and it wasn't from me…so that only leaves Castle."
She smirked. "What, you don't think I can have other admirers?"
Esposito shook his head. "I think there's an unspoken knowledge that Castle has laid claim to you."
She didn't know how to respond to that, especially when she thought of the yellow post it note that rested in her pocket that bore the word 'Always' which had been found beneath the rose.
"Okay, so it's from Castle," she admitted. "What of it?"
"Nothing," he said with a shrug but his eyes were full of mischief. "I just wonder what's next…a box of chocolates?"
She dropped her gaze and he laughed. "Oh, don't tell me he already went down that path and Ryan and I missed it!"
"Shut up," she retorted as she felt her cheeks flush.
"Come on," he taunted. "When did Castle give you candy?"
"You know, Espo; Lanie must be rubbing off on you, you sound more and more like her every day," she remarked, her lips curved into a smirk.
He faltered for a moment. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Kate grinned. "You know, Lanie likes flowers too."
Esposito ignored the statement but she saw something flicker in his eyes and knew that she had hit her mark. "I guess the love letters will start rolling in next since he already went for the candy option," he stated.
She glared at him. "Lanie likes chocolate…maybe someone should take her a box…maybe that new guy in the lab."
"What new guy?" he demanded to know.
Kate laughed. "Oh, what's this, is Detective Esposito worried about something?"
"Please," he snorted. "Why should I be worried…it's not like…"
"It's not like what?" she teased.
He glared at her. "I know what you're doing here. You're trying to change the subject so you don't have to tell anyone about the love fest you and Castle have going on this week."
"Love fest?" she asked with an eye roll. "Really?"
His smile returned. "Oh yeah, there is a serious love fest going on here at this desk."
"There is not."
"And in the break room…"
"You're delusional."
"And in the car…"
"Espo," she warned.
"And outside of Remy's…"
"What are you and Ryan doing, following us?" she demanded to know.
"No; we just happen to stumble across these things every now and then."
"What things?"
He grinned. "Wouldn't you like to know."
She gave him an evil smirk of her own. "And wouldn't you like to have more of my mother's treats."
"That's cold, Beckett," he retorted.
"That's life," she told him. "Now what exactly do you think you two have stumbled upon?"
There was mischief written all across his features and she warned herself to be careful in case he tried to bait her.
"We may have witnessed some hand holding."
"Is that all?" she asked dismissively.
That knowing smirk settled upon his lips once more and she fought the urge to slug him.
"And there's all of those lingering 'looks'," he said suggestively.
"You know, you really are out of your mind," Kate told him, all though she was sure there had been looks.
He laughed. "Hey, it's not my fault if the two of you are obvious…which you might want to watch when you're in here," he warned with the affection of a brother who was looking out for his sister. "It's one thing for me and Ryan to pick up on it but you don't want you know who getting a whiff of anything."
That was true. The last thing she needed was for Gates to think something was going on, she'd have Castle gone so fast her head would spin and then what would she do?
She nodded in response to Esposito's statement as a silent way of telling him that she understood and heeded the warning. "So is that all of your evidence?" she asked as she brought the topic back to its lighter nature.
He grinned and then leaned close. "Well there was that one thing we saw…," he said, allowing the statement to hang in the air unfinished.
Her eyes widened slightly but it was enough for him to notice and revel in the fact that he had gotten her to react.
"What thing?"
Esposito shrugged. "Just something we saw taking place in your car outside of Remy's yesterday," he said casually.
"What were you doing outside of Remy's?" she questioned as her cheeks flamed once again.
"Just out for a stroll," he remarked glibly.
"You mean the two of you were bored and thought you'd go out and spy on people," she retorted.
"We had to have something to do on our lunch break."
Kate shifted her gaze away from him; she knew what he and Ryan had seen. They had been witness to a passionate kiss that had sprung up out of nowhere.
"I hate you both," she told him.
He laughed. "No you don't. You love me and Ryan…and so does your mom."
Kate rolled her eyes. "She likes being maternal, don't let it go to your head."
"Kate," he said quietly; his voice still laced with amusement but also holding that brotherly note that it had held just moments before. "The secret is safe with us. If you and Castle want to move things along we think that's great and we'll make sure no one gets wind of anything…but that doesn't mean we're not going to tease you about it whenever the opportunity presents itself."
She smiled despite herself. "I'd probably worry if you didn't."
Esposito smiled and then decided to take pity on her and turned the conversation to a different topic, at least for the moment. "How's your mom?"
She sighed. "She's fine…all things considered."
"Has she done anymore baking?"
Kate laughed, her mother had done a lot of baking that week, so much that she had been carting in containers of cookies, fudge, and brownies to give to Ryan and Esposito and Lanie so it all wouldn't go to waste. Even Castle had taken home a portion to share with Martha and Alexis.
"What's wrong, Espo? Did you already go through all of those treats I already brought in this week?"
"I have a few cookies left but it doesn't hurt to be stocked up, especially when it's that good."
"She didn't make anything last night," she replied. "But I'll check on her baking status when I call to check on her. I'll let her know your resources are almost depleted."
"That's all I ask. You keep me supplied with treats and your secrets are safe with me."
"My secrets are safe with you because I'll kick your ass if they're not," she retorted.
Esposito shrugged. "That too."
They shared a laugh and then he shuffled back to his own desk and she picked up her phone to make her morning check in call.
"How is everything?" she asked when Johanna answered the phone.
Her mother sighed. "It's the same nightmare I've been having all week."
"I'm sorry," Kate told her, and she was; she hated that her parents were still at odds with one another.
"It's not your fault," she replied. "Some people just can't stop being stubborn for five minutes and listen to reason."
"I take it that Dad was within ear shot for that comment."
"Of course. He's sitting here in the same room with me, looking like a damn statue. I can't stand this, Katie. I'd rather be here alone then have to sit here and be ignored."
"Is being ignored worse than the bickering?" she asked, as every time she had called the day before she had interrupted some type of argument between them.
"Yes it's worse," Johanna replied. "At least if were fighting he's speaking to me. This is getting ridiculous."
"I agree," Kate told her. "I wish the two of you would just settle this."
"I would love nothing more than to settle it but someone wants to keep acting like a child and I just have to say that its never been an attractive feature on him."
She couldn't help it, she laughed, which of course meant she missed the retort her father made in response.
"Men," Johanna muttered. "Why do we ever get involved with men?"
"Maybe if you were only involved with one you wouldn't have the problems you have," Kate heard Jim comment.
"Ignore it," Kate instructed. "Talk to me."
"I can't ignore it when it's being implied that I'm a slut," her mother remarked. "Because I'm not one and I'm only involved with one man and if he'd just listen to me instead of thinking he knows everything maybe he would realize that!"
"Relax, Mother."
"It's difficult to relax at the moment."
"I know, but try."
There was a moment's pause and then Johanna said, "Do you know what I heard on the news?"
"What?"
"Tomorrow is take your mother to work day," she replied; "So I fully expect to join you tomorrow."
She laughed. "There is no such thing as take your mother to work day. Nice try."
"Take me with you anyway," she pleaded. "I'm serious, I can't stand this."
"Sorry, I don't have room for you at my desk."
"That's alright," Johanna told her. "Put me with one of my adopted sons."
"Are you that desperate to get away from Dad that you would spend your day with Ryan and Esposito?"
"Yes, I need to get out of here for awhile, Kate. I've been locked in here for I don't know how long and to make matters worse I have to sit here with my husband while he takes on the persona of Mr. Impossible. I can't take it anymore."
"You married him."
"He wasn't this impossible back then," she admitted.
"Listen, I know you're tired of being cooped up but I don't know what else to do at the moment. I'm off Saturday; I'll take you out for a few hours then, okay?"
"Yeah," her mother sighed.
Kate needed to turn the topic to something lighter so she said, "One of your adopted stray cats wants to know if you've done any baking today."
The statement got a small laugh out of her. "Not yet but I am thinking about cherry turnovers."
"That sounds good," she admitted.
"I'll make enough for everyone. Has Rick found his way back to you yet?"
She smiled. "Not yet but he should be coming soon."
"I wonder why he didn't bring you a new flower this morning," Johanna commented.
"He did," she answered, her eyes flicking toward the rose. "It was on my desk."
Her mother laughed softly. "So he's changing it up is he? He wants to keep you on your toes."
"I guess so."
"How do you like being wooed?" she asked.
Kate chuckled. "Do we have to call it that? That sounds like something out of a cheap romance novel or something."
Johanna laughed. "Hey I didn't make up the terms, I just know what they are and you still haven't answered the question."
She was quiet for a moment. "I like it just fine," she confessed.
"I hope he brings you more candy," Johanna said. "I could go for another piece of chocolate."
"The box isn't empty yet, Mother. Have a piece if you want one. I have to get back to work; I'll talk to you later."
They said their goodbyes and Kate forced her mind to focus on the work she had in front of her.
An hour later, Castle stepped inside the break room while Kate was fixing herself a fresh cup of coffee. She regarded his expression with amusement. "Wow, that's the look I usually see on people's faces after they've been in the interrogation room."
"Meetings with the publisher are always a bit like interrogation," he told her as he grabbed a cup and began to prepare his own cup of coffee.
"So how was it?"
He sighed. "I contemplated ripping my ears off so I wouldn't have to listen anymore."
Kate laughed. "Was it really that bad?"
"Yes," he complained. "Those meetings are as boring and tedious as your paperwork."
"I'd be more inclined to be sympathetic if you actually did your share of the paperwork."
"That's alright, I'm not in desperate need of sympathy."
"Somehow I had a feeling you'd say that," she replied; an easy smile gracing her lips.
"You know me so well, Detective," Castle teased.
Her gaze softened and she shifted closer to him so she could drop her voice down a level. "Thank you for the rose…and the note," she said softly, her hand grazing against his in a lingering caress.
He smiled. "You thought I forgot this morning, didn't you?"
She laughed lightly. "Honestly I didn't know what to think, but it was a nice surprise."
He loved this side of her. A part of him had thought she might find a flower every day cheesy but he was delighted by her response and by the fact that she so quickly became accustomed to expecting the gesture.
"Surprise is my middle name," he replied, his eyes sparkling with affection.
"And all this time I thought it was Edgar," she responded.
"Reading my bio again, Detective?" he said in amusement.
She smirked playfully. "At least once a day."
"Well with loyalty like that, I'll have to have you named President of my fan club."
"I thought you were President of your fan club."
"Oh," Castle laughed, "Look who ate her Wheaties today."
She giggled and then their gazes collided, the moment becoming charged and without any thought they began to lean towards one another for a kiss before she suddenly remembered where they were and took a step back while giving him an apologetic smile. "Later," she promised.
He nodded in understanding. He knew they had to be careful, especially at the precinct and he knew that she wasn't ready for the world to know that they were something more than they claimed publicly.
"I'll gladly abdicate the throne for you," he stated, bringing the topic back to the joke she had made.
"Oh so now we're Wallis Simpson and King Edward?" she replied, her eyes gleaming in that way that he loved.
He thought for a moment and then shook his head. "Nah, we're sexier than that."
Kate laughed. "I can't argue with that."
"So you admit that you think I'm sexy?" he teased.
"I don't recall ever specifically denying it," she answered coyly.
Castle grinned. "I knew it was only a matter of time before you truly began to appreciate my rugged good looks."
She rolled her eyes and took a sip of coffee. "So tell me," he said, "What do you think my best feature is?"
"I can't believe you just asked me that," she said with a laugh once she managed to swallow her coffee without choking.
"It's a legitimate question."
"I don't ask you that."
"Well of course not," Castle said. "It would take me all day to pick just one thing…but of course I guess you could have that problem in my case too."
"Your eyes," she stated after a moments pause. "Definitely your eyes."
God he wished they were somewhere else so he could kiss her. He settled for smiling at her instead and brushing his hand against hers in the same manner that she had done when she had thanked him for the rose.
"The feeling is mutual," he replied, as he gazed into her green eyes.
She blushed and dipped her head shyly and he knew it was time to pull back before they got themselves in trouble.
"So did they make you wear the dunce cap at your meeting?" she asked; beating him to the punch at taking their conversation back to safer ground.
"Only for a little while," he admitted. "They always have to go through their speeches of deadlines and then I always have to give my speech of how you can't rush genius and then we're able to move on to the mundane stuff."
"You poor abused writer," she said dramatically.
"There should be a law against it," he stated and then he grinned mischievously. "Because then I could take you with me and then you could arrest them."
Kate laughed. "I guess you'd want me to be rough about it too."
"Of course," he replied. "Especially with Gina."
That was an appealing idea, she thought to herself but then she shook it away as he spoke once more.
"We didn't really get to talk this morning when I brought your coffee, I didn't get my Beckett family update."
"It's like a soap opera for you, isn't it?" Kate asked.
"Yes and I don't want to miss an episode."
"Well, it's day five and Ike and Tina are still at it."
Castle chuckled. "I thought your mother told you to quit referring to them as Ike and Tina Turner."
"I'll be happy to quit calling them that when they start behaving like the Jim and Johanna I know and sometimes love," she replied.
"Sometimes?" he asked with a raised brow that told her he knew that she was stretching the truth on that one.
Kate rolled her eyes. "Alright, I love my father all the time."
"Kate," he said.
"Fine, I…love my mother too," she admitted to him.
"That's what I thought," he said, and then after making her admit it, he returned back to the subject at hand. "So no improvement at all?"
She shook her head. "They're still cycling between fighting and silence, and she's going stir crazy. She wants out of the apartment and away from Dad for a day but…what else am I going to do with her?"
He was quiet for a moment as he thought over the problem. "Maybe we can come up with something."
"Like what?"
"Leave it to me," he told her.
Silence fell as they sipped their coffee and finally she looked at him and smiled. "What are you doing tonight?" she asked.
"Nothing that I know of, why?"
"Do you want to come over for dinner?"
"Dinner?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I'm cooking."
"You're cooking?" he asked. "Did Johanna go on strike?"
Kate smirked at him. "Only in regards to my father."
He chuckled. "She's refusing to feed him?"
"Yes."
He studied her for a moment, feeling slightly suspicious about this invitation. "So it's going to be you, me and your mom?"
"And my Dad," she answered. "He's allowed to eat if I cook."
"What's the catch, Kate?" he asked with a laugh.
"What?" she asked in confusion.
"Come on," he said lightly. "You want me to come to dinner and you're cooking…I think someone's trying to sucker me."
Her brow rose. "Castle, you're talking to me now, not your ex-wife."
Oh, he thought gleefully, that sounded possessive. This could be good. "But still," he said, "This sounds like some sort of double date set up…or like you want me to help referee your parents."
Kate looked at him incredulously; those warm feelings from earlier suddenly turning into irritation with him for jumping to the conclusion that she wanted something from him other than his presence. "I can't believe you," she said. "Do you always think the worst of me, Castle? First you accuse me of leading you on and now you think I'm trying to sucker you with a dinner invitation?"
The look on her face told him just how unamused she was with him and he began to realize that he might have made an error in judgment. Suddenly, this wasn't as good as it had been a moment before.
"No! It's not like that at all," he exclaimed; seeing how quickly things could go down hill.
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I just want to have dinner with you?"
"We could go out…" he began to say.
"Maybe I want to cook the meal," she stated; wondering if maybe he'd get the hint that she wanted to cook for him. "Maybe I don't want to go out tonight because I get tired of feeling like I'm being run out of my own home."
"But a restaurant would be more private," he told her.
He didn't get it. "Castle," she sighed; "I know it's hard to believe but I just want to cook dinner for myself…and you. You provide me with a lot of meals; can't I return the favor for you?"
He nodded. "Of course, I was just pointing out that with them there…"
"I know," she said, "It's not ideal, but my mother has to be there, that's something that can't be helped at the moment. She doesn't like infringing on my privacy anymore than I like infringing on hers; and if she knew I was inviting you to a dinner that I prepared and it was just us and her, she'll feel like she's intruding and she'll go lock herself in the bedroom for the evening and I'll feel bad."
"Which is why you asked your father to stay?"
"Yes," she replied. "That way it's an even number…but if you don't want to have dinner with me just say so."
"No!" he exclaimed, it was amazing how fast he could lose control of a conversation. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…let's just start over. Go back to the initial invitation and let's just try it again."
"Maybe we should just forget it," she answered, her confidence suddenly faltering and she felt stupid for issuing the invitation in the first place. She would've waited until a more ideal time but God only knew when that would be, she had to take the moments as they came.
"Kate, I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "I didn't mean to accuse you of anything. I'm…I'm an idiot."
That made her laugh and he grinned at her and it was as if they had hit the reset button and put themselves back into the lighter mood they had been sharing.
"My mother calls slip ups like that in men the 'jackass gene'," she informed him.
He nodded. "Your mother is very wise, I adore her," he told her, hoping she'd realize that he wasn't holding Johanna's constant presence in her life against her, because he wasn't. He liked watching the two of them together and he understood that Kate was stuck in some respects.
"Yeah, well, she seems to adore you too," Kate told him. "Of course at the moment it may be because you gave me chocolate yesterday and I've shared it with her."
He chuckled. "Good, I want to stay on her good side," he said. "So can we try this again?"
She smiled and shook her head. "Do you want to come to dinner tonight, Castle?"
"I'd love to. What time?"
"Let's say 6:30," she told him.
"I'll be there," Castle promised.
She ran a hand through her hair, pushing it back from her face. What was it about him that could make her feel like a nervous teenager? "Don't worry, I'll make my parents behave," she told him. "You won't even know there in the room."
"Don't make them behave that much," he replied. "What's dinner without entertainment?"
Kate smirked. "Be careful what you wish for, Castle."
He looked thoughtful as he gazed at her. "So far my wishes seem to be turning out alright."
She smiled and ducked her head for a moment. "I better get back to my desk," she said. "If I don't get my work done, we'll be ordering take out and eating here."
At 6:30 when Castle's knock sounded at the door, Kate turned towards her parents and whispered in a stern tone, "Behave yourselves during dinner."
"You've already told us that," Jim replied.
"Yeah well when it comes to the two of you, things sometimes need repeating."
"Kind of like when you were a kid," he replied lightly.
"Now you know who I got it from," she remarked, ignoring her mother's amused look that hinted at the fact that she knew that this evening was different than the other times they had dinner with Rick.
Castle knocked once again and she hurried towards the door and opened it. He kissed her cheek as he greeted her and then handed her a flat wrapped package.
"What's this?" she asked.
"Oh just a little something for you to read later," he told her.
Kate grinned. "Is it Nikki Heat related?"
"Would I give you anything else?"
"You're giving me a spoiler?" she asked in surprise.
"Well I did say that I was going to spoil you," Castle told her with a wink.
"Thank you," she replied and then her gaze went back to his hand as she noticed that he still held another package.
"That's not for you," he told her in amusement as he walked further into the apartment.
"Then who's it for?"
He walked towards Johanna and held the box out to her. "Your mother of course," he answered before giving Johanna his attention. "I heard you like candy."
Johanna smiled as she looked at the box of chocolates he had handed her. "Yes, I do; thank you. I'm in desperate need of chocolate lately."
He smiled at her and nodded in understanding before he turned to Jim and shook his hand. "I would've brought you something, Jim; but I don't know what you like."
"Baseball," both Kate and Johanna stated at the same time.
They laughed. "That's alright, Rick," Jim told him. "You save your energy for sucking up to the women of this house, they're harder to please than I am."
"Hey," Kate stated, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Rick knows what it means," Jim answered. "Don't you?"
Castle chuckled. "Yeah, I know what it means," he replied and he did, he knew that it meant that the while the Beckett women were wonderful and full of good traits, they were also complicated and you had to know how to walk the line and stay on their good sides.
"You want to share your knowledge with us, Rick?" Johanna asked.
He shook his head. "Nope, that's a secret between men."
"Well in that case it shouldn't be hard to figure out," she replied.
Kate laughed. "Dinner is ready so let's go sit down."
Kate fixed the plates and then they all settled around the table, Kate and Johanna on one side, Castle and Jim across from them. The conversation was light and flowed mainly between Kate and Rick as they talked about whatever came to mind. Jim and Johanna commented occasionally, but Castle noticed that they refrained from speaking to each other and that they barely even looked at each other despite the fact that they were directly across from one another. He could tell that the issue between Kate's parents was weighing on her and that she was uncomfortable with their silent treatment of each other despite the fact that it was better than their bickering.
She caught his eye during a lull in the conversation and smiled slightly. "It's almost like a silent movie isn't it?" she said with a nod in her parents direction.
He laughed softly. "Yeah, all we need is a piano player."
"Katie can play the piano," Johanna announced.
"Really?" he said, his brow raised with interest as he looked at Kate. "I didn't know that."
"I guess that just goes to show that there are still layers to the onion, Castle," she quipped.
He grinned. "Did they make you take lessons?"
"No, my grandmother taught me. She was an excellent piano player and she loved to teach people to play."
"Which grandmother was this?"
"My mother," Johanna answered.
"And if I remember correctly," he said, "You told me her name was…Naomi?"
She nodded. "Very good, Rick."
"Do you play the piano, Johanna?" Castle asked.
Something flashed in her eyes, but it was hard to distinguish what it was but he thought it might be anguish of some sort, maybe grief for her mother.
"I played a long time ago," she answered.
"She was always good at it," Kate stated. "Grandma said she was her best student."
"Well, you're just a renaissance woman aren't you, Johanna?" Castle remarked in admiration.
"Hardly," Johanna answered. "I'm merely the product of the woman who raised me."
Kate scoffed. "You're more than that."
She shook her head. "No, I'm not. My mother taught me how to cook, clean and run a household. She taught me to sew on buttons and hems and how to shop for bargains. She taught me to play piano, how to be a good hostess. She taught me how to be a mother, to find joy in everyday things and to believe in fairy tales."
What she hadn't taught her, Johanna thought to herself, was what to do when the fairy tale seemed to be crashing and burning.
"Well I guess the only thing you haven't given her credit for is your career," Kate remarked.
"I guess that one goes to my father."
"Your father?" Jim exclaimed; addressing her directly for the first time during the meal. "How the hell does Frank get credit for your career?"
"He let me watch Perry Mason with him," she answered.
"Great show," Castle stated. "Is that what inspired you?"
"Yeah, so maybe I should give the credit to Perry…everything I know about being a lawyer I probably learned from him."
"Don't belittle your skill like that, Johanna," Jim stated.
"I'm not," she answered, but she didn't elaborate. She didn't tell them that watching that show with her father was the only time she truly had his attention, nor did she mention that when she asked him one night if he thought she was capable of being a lawyer that he had surprised her by saying yes. Perhaps the nicest thing he had ever done for her was allowing her to watch that show with him, and when she expressed her interest in becoming a lawyer, he sat her down with a pencil and a piece of paper each week and made her work the case as the actors did so onscreen. He made her pay attention and select who she thought had committed the crime and then he would make her tell him why, he'd make her state the evidence, to argue her case during the commercial breaks. Her father always had his own theories, sometimes they thought alike, and sometimes she would come up with something entirely different and he would insist that she was wrong and would argue the point with her…but sometimes she was the one who turned out to be right by the end of the program…of course that never made her father very happy but it had given her some feelings of vindication that helped keep her going when he was harsh and cruel…and maybe the fact that he had helped mold her in that respect had kept some flicker of hope alive within her back then that maybe, just maybe he loved her a little.
She was then hit with the sudden realization that maybe she hadn't became a lawyer just because of her interest in the law…maybe she had done it in an attempt to gain his approval…and his respect. It was a startling thought and she brushed it aside. Analyzing her relationship with her father was never a good way to spend her time. She turned her ear back to the conversation as Kate told Rick stories about her grandmother. He was drinking in every word she uttered and she couldn't help but smile as she watched them. It was nice to hear Kate talk to him about herself and her childhood memories, but those stories that involved Naomi only made her ache with longing for her mother. Her mother had been gone for 19 years and yet there were moments when the grief felt as fresh as it had during those first days in the world without her. She swallowed hard, she missed her…everyday she still missed her and the love that she had always given her, and yet despite knowing how much her mother had loved her she felt certain that Naomi McKenzie was probably looking down on her in disappointment.
"I believe that my mother forgot to mention that Grandma also gave her a love for the theater and Katharine Hepburn," Kate mentioned to Castle.
He grinned. "Then it's no wonder she gets along with my mother so well."
"Do you still have my mother's piano?" Johanna asked Jim, ignoring the vein of conversation that Kate and Rick had been commenting on.
Jim looked at her. "Of course I still have it," he said; his tone a little more stern than he had meant. "It's right where you left it."
"I was just asking," she murmured.
Kate shared a look with Castle as if she were already apologizing for a fight that had yet to happen between her parents.
"Everything you owned is still in the house, Johanna," Jim stated. Did she really think that he would've gotten rid of her belongings? Especially her mother's piano which she had been ready to do battle for with her brother. He paid Frankie a hefty price for that piano, but Johanna didn't know that. All he had ever told her was that he and Frankie had come to an agreement and that it was hers. It was still sitting in the room they used as their office. All the fighting and tears she had gone through to get the damn thing and she had only ever lifted the lid once, and then she hadn't been able to bring herself to touch the keys. He still remembered her sitting on the bench, sobbing uncontrollably and when she was finished she had closed the lid and never lifted it again. She left it up to Kate to play it occasionally to make sure it was still in tune.
"Except for maybe a coat and a pair of boots," Kate commented softly.
"I know about the coat," Johanna commented. "I saw it when I put everything back in the hall closet after the break in."
"Do you want it back?"
"No, of course not. It's yours now."
"Any other hidden talents?" Castle asked Kate, feeling as though they needed a change of subject.
Kate grinned at him. "I could tell you but then it would kill the mystery."
"I'm very good at solving mysteries," he quipped. "I'll eventually figure out all of your secrets."
She smirked. "My mother isn't going to tell you."
Johanna laughed as he looked at her in confusion. "I didn't say anything about your mother."
"But you were thinking it," she commented.
"Maybe I was thinking about asking your father," he stated as he glanced at Jim who smiled in response.
"And if he knows what's good for him, he won't tell my secrets either," Kate said as she shot her father an amused look.
"My lips are sealed, Katie," Jim replied.
"Maybe we should call Martha and ask her for some stories about Rick," Johanna said.
"Yeah," Kate agreed, "That sounds like a good idea. Maybe we'll just have Martha come over one day and tell us all about him."
Castle shook his head. "Not a good idea. Mother tends to exaggerate…and her memories often take on the feeling of alternate reality."
"I think you're just afraid for us to find out that you were the type of little boy who went around pulling little girls hair," Johanna told him.
"I only pulled Judy Kessler's hair because she criticized my poem about a duck," Castle announced. "She had it coming to her."
Kate laughed. "You wrote a poem about a duck?"
He looked at her in mock indignation. "It was a very touching ode I'll have you know."
"I bet," she answered.
"It was," he insisted. "In fact I can't believe my talent went so long without being realized."
"What grade were you in when you wrote this 'ode to a duck'?" Johanna laughed.
"Second," he replied.
"And do you recall any lines from this brilliant piece of your early work?" Kate inquired.
Castle thought about it for a moment. "I recall that it was about a duck named Mac, who spent his days going quack, quack."
She shook with laughter. "Well at least it rhymes."
"You see," he said, "Brilliant even in grade school."
"I think it's a good thing you've improved with age, Rick," Jim chuckled.
"I could've done better," Castle said, "But I didn't want to wow them all at once."
"Good choice," Johanna remarked. "Judy Kessler might have crushed your spirit."
He nodded. "Like she crushed my animal crackers."
"Oh my God," Kate said. "Were you bullied by a little girl, Castle?"
"She was more of a demon than a little girl."
"Whatever happened to her?"
"I don't know," he answered. "She's probably in prison."
"Castle!"
"She was evil, Beckett!"
She laughed and shook her head at him. It was nice to hear a story from his childhood, which was something he didn't really talk much about and she found herself intrigued. She wanted to know more, she wanted to know what kind of little boy he had been, she wanted to know how he came to be what he was now, and she told herself that she was going to start making an effort to find out.
They finished dinner and Kate and Castle began to stack the dishes.
"I'll do the dishes," Johanna offered.
"No you won't," Kate told her. "Go in the room and sit down."
"I don't mind," her mother stated.
"But I do," Kate said. "Castle and I will do the dishes. Go watch TV with Dad."
Johanna frowned. "Because we haven't had nearly enough fun together today."
Kate shrugged. "You did alright during dinner. Maybe it'll be okay since we're here."
"Fine," she sighed before walking away in resignation.
She shook her head as she caught the amused glint in Castle's eye and together they began cleaning up as they made small talk. She thought things might be fine between her parents as she didn't hear anything for the first few minutes, but she should've known better.
"Oh look," Kate heard Jim say. "It's a show about Wyoming; maybe we'll see your friend Jack."
"Here we go," Kate whispered to Castle.
"Maybe if we keep flipping channels we'll find a show about husbands who are too damn stubborn for their own good and how they drive their wives crazy…I'm sure we'd see you featured on that," Johanna retorted.
Castle snorted as he struggled to hold back a laugh and failed.
The bickering had started in the living room as Johanna demanded the channel be changed as she didn't want to see anything that had to do with Wyoming.
"Hey, Ike, Tina," Kate called out; "You two want to try to behave, we do have company you know."
"It's only Rick," Jim answered. "We don't have anything to hide from him, hell you two are practically married anyway, so he may as well be included in the family."
The plate Kate had been about to dunk beneath the soapy water slipped from her fingers and smacked against the bottom of the sink.
Castle was shaking with silent laughter and his eyes gleamed as he leaned close and whispered, "Why didn't you tell me we were married?"
"Me?" she replied. "I was wondering why you didn't tell me. I think I got ripped off. I didn't get a wedding gift or a honeymoon or anything."
"I'll start planning our honeymoon immediately."
"Make sure it's somewhere tropical and far, far away," Kate replied with a grin.
He nodded. "I hear Bora-Bora is nice."
"Let me know when it's arranged," she laughed. "I'll pack and be ready."
"No need to pack, just shove a bikini in your purse…you won't need anything else."
She smirked playfully at him. "What about a ring? I'm not going to check into a hotel under your name with no ring. I don't want to be mistaken for some kind of cheap mistress."
"We'll pick up a ring on the way to the airport," he told her. "I'll get you a diamond the size of a robin's egg and there will be no mistaking that you are high class and official."
"I don't think I'd want a ring that flashy," she replied.
"Okay, I'll get you a very elegant, sedate diamond."
"I don't want to have to squint to see it," she remarked.
"Alright, an elegant, sedate diamond of an appropriate size," he replied.
"That's better."
"Who knew you were so picky," he teased.
Kate chuckled softly, was she really standing there telling Richard Castle what kind of ring she'd want? Had the earth tilted on its axis? It wasn't a conversation she had envisioned them having, even in the joking manner that it was and yet…she felt those warm fluttery feelings in her stomach and she could imagine the sight of a ring on her finger…a ring he had put there.
Kate shook her head, clearing the thoughts away. They weren't ready for that yet, she told herself. Castle was laughing quietly at her side as her parents continued bickering in the other room and soon she was laughing with him until Johanna exclaimed in a firm serious tone, "That's it, I've had it!"
She shared a look with Castle. "Uh oh," she whispered as they heard footsteps approaching the kitchen.
"Both of you get in here and sit down," Johanna demanded.
"Why?" Kate asked as she watched her mother grab one of the kitchen chairs and carry it off towards the living room.
"Because I said so, Katherine," she replied tersely.
Kate glanced at Castle who whispered, "Maybe we better play along."
"At least for the moment," she replied as she dried her hands before they moved into the living room.
Johanna had positioned the kitchen chair in front of the coffee table and she was standing beside it, waiting for them to file into the room. She directed them to the sofa where Jim was seated, studiously watching the scene his wife was directing.
Once Kate was seated between Jim and Castle; Johanna sat down on the kitchen chair, facing them.
"What's this about, Mother?" Kate questioned.
"It's about Wyoming," Johanna told her; her gaze serious. "I'm going to tell you all about Wyoming and what I've been doing for the last 13 years; and when I'm finished we can have a question and answer segment, and then maybe we can lay this to rest."
"That's okay," Kate said; a part of her unsure if she really wanted to hear about the years her mother had spent away from them. "You can have that conversation with Dad; Castle and I will go."
"No," Johanna stated firmly. "I'm having this conversation with all of you so sit back down."
Kate dropped back into her place but Castle remained standing, "Maybe I should go anyway," he suggested. "This seems like a family…"
"Sit down," Johanna demanded; interrupting his excuse to flee.
"But...," he began to say.
Her gaze narrowed. "Richard," she said, in a way only a mother could, "Sit."
"Yes ma'am," he replied, dropping back into place, properly chastened despite the fact that she wasn't his mother.
Kate glanced at him as her hand slid into his and he squeezed it in return. He didn't know why his presence was demanded by Johanna but maybe he needed to be there anyway, if only for the sole purpose of holding Kate's hand while she listened.
"Now," Johanna began, "I'll tell you all about Wyoming. I lived on a quiet street in a small house that has never felt like a home. It's never felt like a home because it wasn't and has never been my home. I just lived there. I wake up alone every morning," she said; addressing that statement directly to Jim.
"I wake up and look around that room and know it's not where I'm supposed to be. I look in the mirror and wonder if I even know who I am any more. Monday thru Friday, I go to work at the college. I teach law courses all day. I lecture, I give tests, and I advise students. I try to prepare them for the path they've chosen, all the while wanting to scream at them to exercise extreme caution in choosing which cases to take on or they may end up like me…a thousand miles from home, forced to be separated from the ones they love, answering to a name that isn't theirs. In between classes, I'm in my office, grading papers, meeting with students, preparing lessons. In the back of my mind is always the thought that if I was home, I'd probably be teaching at Columbia…like I used to do; or maybe I'd be in the courtroom…or maybe I'd be in my office working on a case in between gossiping with Sharon."
She paused for a moment and examined her audience. None of them said a word, but they were all listening and so she took a breath and continued on.
"Two Wednesday's a month I go to faculty meetings. Sometimes if there's a project or a charity event that interests me I participate just to keep myself busy. Every Friday after work I go to the gym with my friend Carolyn. I do my running on a treadmill now instead of outdoors…because running outside lost its allure when I didn't have my partner anymore," she said looking at Kate.
Kate swallowed hard and gripped Castle's hand a little tighter. Her mother had always liked to run when the weather was nice enough and her head needed clearing, and somewhere along the way, Kate had began joining her and soon it was worked into their routine on the weekends; just the two of them, running in the neighborhood in the early evening or morning, whichever was convenient.
"While we're there, Carolyn and I discuss our classes and complain about the deadlines for grades and the kids who don't care and waste their potential. We talk about books and vent our outrage at Dancing with the Stars eliminations. She talks about her husband and her kids, and her sister who drives her crazy. I talk about nothing…because I can't. She tries sometimes…because I've made a few little slipups along the way. I never could shake the habit of rubbing my ring finger, in search of the wedding rings that I felt naked without. I always say no to dates and fix ups and she knows…she knows that somewhere in my life there was a husband that I'm still in love with and when she's brave enough she begs me to talk about him…and I want to so desperately but I can't…and so she assumes, and I hate what she assumes because I know that she and everyone else believes that I'm a widow…and in some ways I've felt like one because I've been in mourning everyday for thirteen years."
Jim glanced away from her and she paused, waiting for his gaze to come back to her face and when it did she couldn't read his thoughts; he put on the mask he developed as a lawyer, the one that could so easily hide his tactics from his opponent, the one that didn't show surprise or emotion when something unexpected occurred in the courtroom.
"Sometimes she begs to know about my daughter," Johanna stated quietly. "Because that was another one of my slip-ups. She wants to know the whole story but she'd settle for just knowing the name of my child…but I never say it…because I knew if I said 'Katie' or 'Jim', I'd crumble and I'd tell her everything. I'd tell her that my name wasn't Meagan…that all I want is to go home and be with my family. So I don't tell her anything. She gets angry with me sometimes, she pushes…she never gets me to move an inch. Sometimes I just walk away, sometimes I cry and she apologizes. Sometimes I get frustrated and angry and tell her it's none of her business and that she may as well stop trying because I'm never going to talk about it. Carolyn's nice enough to forgive me for those moments. Carolyn's the closest friend I have out there…and yet she knows nothing about me."
"Don't you have any other friends?" Kate asked.
She nodded. "There are other women who I claim as friends…they don't try to dig as deep as Carolyn does. They seem to accept the fact that I'm a quiet, private person who would rather speak about anything but herself. They're all people I work with. It's a tight knit group…they include me but I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm always invited to lunches, shopping trips and birthday parties, and sometimes I go, just so I don't have to be alone in that house. They watch me sometimes, like they're trying to figure me out or waiting for me to make another slip and reveal something more about myself, but I don't, and I know they all talk about me when I'm not in earshot. No one really knows me…it's like being an extra in a movie. You're on the screen but you have no story, no lines, and no hope of being anything but a nameless face in the crowd."
"What about Jack?" Jim muttered.
"Jack doesn't know me either," Johanna stated. "He speculates like everyone else, he's aware of the slip ups I've made. He asks me to eat lunch with him once in awhile, which I admit I do on occasion, in the cafeteria, in full view of students and colleagues. It's no different from when I eat lunch with my other friends."
"Except for the fact that he wants to be more than your friend," her husband stated.
"He knows that he'll never be more than a friend," Johanna said firmly. "He knows my heart belongs to someone else."
"And how does he know that?" Jim questioned. "You just said that no one knows you."
She swallowed hard. "Because he asked me."
"Are you sure you want to go down that road?" Kate asked quietly as she leaned forward to catch her mother's eye.
Johanna nodded. "I'm sure," she said as the memory rolled through her mind.
Jack stood in front of her desk, watching her pack up her papers to take home, intent on walking her to her car despite her assurances that it wasn't necessary even though the faculty meeting had ran late and it was now dark outside. He kept watching her and it was unnerving and finally she looked up at him and said, "What?"
He remained quiet for a moment, studying her face as he seemed to be debating whether he should say what was on his mind. Finally he seemed to make his decision and he held her gaze as he said, "Carolyn thinks you've been married before."
The remark caught her off guard and it ripped the scab off her heart and set it to bleeding again. She dropped her gaze to the top of her desk, feeling the tears sting her eyes as thoughts of her husband flowed into her mind.
"I take it from your expression that she's correct," Jack stated.
She said nothing; she didn't trust herself to give an answer. Just let him assume like they all do, she told herself.
"Meagan," he said, stepping closer to the desk.
God she hated that name, she thought as she squeezed her eyes closed, forcing back the tears before opening them again, although she still refused to meet his gaze.
"What happened to him?" he inquired.
"I don't want to talk about this," she said quietly as she quickly shuffled through the rest of her papers and shoved them into her briefcase.
"Did he die? Was there a divorce? What happened?"
This time her gaze flicked to his in annoyance. "I just told you that I didn't want to talk about it."
"You're still in love him," Jack said as he studied her, "Aren't you."
The truth slipped from her lips without thought or hesitation. "Yes."
He nodded a small gleam of victory in his eyes that he had gotten a minor confession out of her. "Do you think there might ever be a time when…"
"No," she said cutting him off.
"No, what? You didn't let me finish."
"You don't have to," she remarked. "I know where it's going."
"You don't think you'll ever want to move on?" Jack inquired.
"No," she told him. "I have no desire to move on. I will never move on; I will never love someone else."
"Do you think he'd want that?"
"Yes."
"You deserve better," he told her. "You don't have to be alone."
"Just stop," she demanded. "We've had this discussion before and I told you then that I wasn't interested in romantic relationships. I'll be your friend, but nothing more and if that's not enough…than we don't even have to be friends."
"I'm not trying to push you into a relationship," he retorted. "I just want to know why. I want to know why you insist on being alone when it isn't necessary."
"Well now you know," she said sharply.
"Actually, I don't think I know anything at all, except the fact that you're in love with someone who obviously can't be with you."
"That's my business, not yours."
"So it's always going to be this way? You're always going to love him? You're always going to deny yourself happiness?"
Johanna held his gaze, her blood simmering with anger, and pain ripping through her heart. "Yes," she stated firmly. "There is no happiness without him. I will always love him. Always. No one is going to change that, not you, not any man, I'm never going to change my mind."
He took a step back, sensing that he'd pushed too much. "Alright, Meg. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you I just don't understand why your life is such a big secret."
She swallowed hard. "Look, it's my life, and it's my business. I don't have to share it with anyone and I'm not going to, so just let it go. This conversation is over, and I expect it to stay in this room, because if it doesn't, I will never speak to you again."
Jack held her gaze for a long moment and then nodded. "Fine. I won't question you about it anymore."
"That's good," Johanna told him. "Because you'll just be wasting your time."
Jack, however, still had an ounce of determination left in him. "I won't give up hope though that you might change your mind one day."
She shook her head as she grabbed her keys and slung her purse over her shoulder as she picked up her briefcase. "Goodnight, Jack," she said sharply as she fled her office. He followed behind her, but he kept his distance and for that she was grateful. She felt his eyes on her as she got into her car but she didn't acknowledge him as she pulled out of the lot. The tears started falling before she could even make it to her street and she was tempted, not for the first time, to turn the car around and drive across country until she found herself back in New York, taking the familiar turns that would take her back home to Jim.
When she finished explaining her conversation with Jack, only Kate and Rick looked convinced so she moved on, thinking that maybe Jim would talk to her about it later.
"Night time is the worst," she informed them; her tone soft and mournful as thirteen years of lonely nights sweep through her mind. "It's so quiet there…so impossibly quiet that you can't help but be tormented by your thoughts as you lay awake and stare at the ceiling or the numbers on the clock. I lay there in that bed, alone, and I cry, and I wish to be home, in my bed, with my husband, and I hate myself…deep, undying hate. I lay awake and wonder where the two of you are, what you're doing, if you're okay…if you still love me. I think about all the things I'm missing out on, the years that are going by, wasted and empty. I feel that steel band around my heart squeeze a little tighter and sometimes I'd lie there convinced that the night would never end, that I might not survive it…and sometimes in the worst of moments, I hoped I wouldn't.
It's an open secret that I'm going to be different once November sets in," Johanna told them. "I'm going to be even more quiet and reserved and distracted. I'm not going to talk about it when pressed. I'll deny that anything is wrong, but they all know I'm lying, they all know I'm hiding something, and they know it's going to last for several months. Slip ups have provided them with a few pieces of the puzzle; they just don't know where the pieces fit. They don't know that November sends me into a downward spiral because that's my daughter's birth month."
Kate fidgeted in her seat as her gaze flicked away from her mother's face. She leaned closer to Castle, trying desperately to suppress the urge to flee the room. She didn't want to hear this, but apparently her mother had decided to take her advice and she was going to make them listen, and if she made an escape, she knew her mother would just corner her later because she was determined now, she'd had enough and was at her breaking point, and so Kate remained in place, leaning into Castle, her hand wrapped so tightly around his that she was sure she was probably cutting off the circulation and yet she couldn't let go or even loosen her grip.
Johanna swallowed hard. "There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of you, both of you; but when November sets in…my mind is flooded with thoughts of my child. Another year that's passed without seeing her, touching her, hearing her voice, her laugh, telling her I love her. Being separated from your child is a pain like no other…it's indescribable…there's just no words to describe that feeling of loss, of failure, of longing. Every November 17, I sit down and write you a letter, Katie. I've written you a letter for every birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day…every January…I write you a letter for any random day of the week when I hurt so badly with thoughts of you that I just have to let it out."
"What do you do with the letters?" Kate asked quietly.
"I kept them in hopes that one day they would find their way to you. There's a whole box full."
"I want them," she stated, surprising herself in the process at the thought and acceptance of the fact that she wanted to read the words her mother had written to her.
"We'll have to find a way to get them to you," Johanna answered; and then looking at Jim she added, "And your box too…because there's a letter for you for every holiday, birthday, anniversary, and those days when I just had to feel like I was talking to you in some way."
He nodded in response, but he remained silent, his thoughts and feelings still in a state of chaos.
She took a moment to compose herself and then she carried on. "The holidays come and I just want to crawl into a hole and hide until it's over," she confessed. "Carolyn always invites me to spend the holidays with her and her family but I never go. If I can't spend the holidays with my own family than I'm not spending them with anyone, so on Christmas Eve, I shut myself up in that house, with the blinds closed and the door locked and my phone turned off. I stay in bed and wallow in my misery and I don't emerge until the 26th…sometimes the 27th. I stay home on New Years Eve, with the television tuned to the coverage in Times Square…wishing I was standing there in the crowd like I had done so many times before…and I've yet to make it through without some sort of breakdown as I watch another year slip into the past and a new one present itself. Another year to be spent alone, as I die a little more inside, and then January sets in…and that chill in the air reminds me all the more of what I've done…of the lie I live. That day creeps up like a black cloud and it suffocates me, crippling me, making me wish that I had done it differently or that they hadn't saved me at all…and I know…it can't possibly compare to the pain you've suffered every year on that day when that remembrance comes back; but it's there, and I feel it."
Castle cast a glance at the two people sharing the sofa with him. Neither one of them was looking at Johanna. Jim had turned his head to the side, his gaze focused on some invisible point on the wall, one hand clenched into a tight fist, the other had covered Kate's unoccupied hand as it rested against her knee, and he wasn't sure if Jim was trying to give his child comfort, or if he was trying to derive comfort from her for himself. His gaze flicked to Kate, who had lowered her head as she listened to Johanna's narrative; her hair falling across her face enough to shield his view of her eyes, but he had caught a glimpse of her teeth sinking into her bottom lip in a way that looked painful and he didn't doubt that she was trying to hold back tears. Finally he allowed his eyes to travel back to Johanna, her spine stiff as she faced them, her throat constricting with her own emotions that she was holding back. He could see how painful it was for her to not only speak of the years that she had been away, but also the fact that she was forcing the two people she loved most to listen. He didn't envy the task, he wouldn't blame her if she broke down and cried or decided to abruptly end what she had started, but she didn't. She was, somehow, holding it together as she forced herself not to lower her head or shift her gaze elsewhere. The only giveaway that she wasn't as confident as she seemed were those moments when she allowed her foot to tap against the floor in nervousness before catching herself and stopping. He saw her take a breath, and then steel herself as she prepared to carry on.
"I don't celebrate my birthday, no one even knows when it is and that's how I prefer it. I'm not worth celebrating, especially when the people who always made that day special for me aren't there," she told them. "Same with Valentines Day, which I've learned to detest. Mother's Day is hell. My husband's birthday is no better…and then there is August. August 18th rips what's left of my heart wide open," she said; her gaze solely upon Jim. It bleeds uncontrollably as I remember the happiest day of my life…and the years that followed it," she smiled wistfully, "And those precious years that preceded it. Every moment of that day is spent drowning in memories of us, Jim," she whispered.
He forced himself not to look at her, if he did he'd crack and he wasn't ready to put aside his feelings of anger and frustration, but he listened intently, a part of him taking note of the pain in her tone.
Her emotions were dangerously close to the surface as she broached the topic of their anniversary and she had to force herself not to cry as she kept her hands folded tightly against one another so no one could see the tremors in them. "That's the day I drink," she admitted quietly, wondering if it was wise to make that confession to him, but she did it anyway, hoping that her honesty wouldn't cause harm to him and his own sobriety. "I drink and I write to you. I fill page after page with memories, with words of how much I love you, miss you, need you and want you. When I can't hold the pen anymore, and the world is starting to spin in front of my eyes, I go to bed and continue to cry until I finally sleep, and even in my sleep, my dreams are of you, and of how badly I want to be here with you."
"Of course it doesn't have to be a specific date to make my mind wander, or to send me into a memory induced tailspin," Johanna stated. "A summer like day in April is sure to put me in mind of Atlantic City…and the fun, freedom and romance of that long ago weekend. Snow days make me think of Katie and her snow angels and the times we'd play in the snow together. A song on the radio can remind me of a dance, of a certain teenage girl who used to blast it from her stereo on repeat for weeks on end. The sight of a black dress, the smell of cherry scented shower gel, candle light, a red rose…just about anything can bring it all back to me, not that it's ever far away, but still it slams into me hard, knocking the wind out of me and bringing me to my knees. That's what I've been doing for the past thirteen years; going through the motions of living, but I don't live…because my life, my heart, my soul, it's all here in New York with the two of you. I'm just an empty shell in Wyoming, I try to keep busy so I don't drown completely, but my head is barely above the water and it's always in the back of my mind that at any moment I could go under. There were times when I was tempted to allow it to happen, but I held on because somewhere inside I was convinced that I'd get to come home. I got onto the plane without a glance backwards…I left Meagan behind without a second thought, because I hate her, because I wanted to be Johanna again…even though I hate her too. Wyoming isn't home, those people that I claim as friends have no emotional hold on me, nothing and no one there means anything to me. That's what life has been like for me; it's me going through the motions even when I don't want to…living in my own personal hell as I take one nightmare of a day after another as I waited to come home; and New York is my home, my heart is owned by Jim and Katie Beckett, and nothing or no one will ever change that."
"Any questions?" Johanna asked after she gave them all a few minutes to digest what she had said.
Kate shook her head. "No, that's all I need to know for now," she said quietly.
Johanna held her gaze. "If you change your mind, all you have to do is ask. I'll tell you anything you want to know."
"Okay," she agreed and then she subtly nudged her father, hoping he would say something in response to what he had just heard but he only squeezed her hand that he was still covering in response.
"Jim," Johanna said; thinking that maybe if she called him out she'd get some type of reaction.
"I don't have any new questions," he answered, and although his tone was quiet and his expression pensive, they all heard the words that he didn't say which implied that he still had the same questions as before, along with the doubts about his wife's faithfulness.
"Dad," Kate sighed.
"It's fine, Katie," Johanna said quietly.
It wasn't fine but she wasn't going to involve herself any further in their argument, nor did she want to start an argument between herself and her father.
"Rick," Johanna said turning her attention to him. "Anything you want to know?"
"No," he answered. "You don't have to explain yourself to me."
"Yes I do," she remarked. "You're in this mess with Katie and you're important to her so you deserve the whole story."
"Are we done now?" Kate asked as she didn't know how much more she could take.
Johanna's gaze swept across them, taking in their expressions. Rick looked sympathetic, Katie was holding back her emotions but she didn't seem to doubt anything she had heard, and Jim, once again had his mask in place and it was hard for her to get a read on him. She sighed. "We're done."
Castle felt Kate relax at his side and her grip on his hand eased. He watched as Johanna got up from her chair and moved to carry it back to the kitchen. Her expression betrayed little but he had a feeling that she was disappointed that her efforts had fallen flat where her husband was concerned.
"Let's finish the dishes, Castle," Kate said but as they rose from the sofa her phone rang.
"Or maybe not," Castle said, and it didn't escape his notice that she looked almost hopeful as she pulled the device from her pocket. He listened as she took the call, giving the standard answers that told him it was work related.
"Body?" he asked when she hung up.
"Yeah," she answered before scurrying around, grabbing her gun and keys and hooking her badge back onto her waistband before calling Johanna back out of the kitchen.
"I have to go," she told her. "Will you two be alright?"
"I'll be fine," she answered.
"Go on, Katie," Jim stated. "Don't worry about us."
She and Castle headed out the door and when they got onto the elevator she turned to him and said, "You probably wish you would've been busy tonight or that you had let me revoke the invitation."
He shook his head. "No. Dinner was great, everything was fine."
"No it wasn't. When things were quiet it was awkward and there was their occasional bickering and then her little chat and…I'm sorry, Castle."
"Kate," he said as he tugged her into his arms. "There's nothing to be sorry for, it was fine. As long as I was with you, their silence and occasional bickering didn't matter…in fact I found some of the bickering entertaining, I did get promoted to 'practically your husband'," he reminded her lightly.
She laughed. "Make sure you plan that honeymoon. I'm in desperate need of a vacation."
"You got it. Somewhere tropical and far, far away."
"That sounds so good," she said as the elevator stopped and she was forced to step out of his embrace.
He stopped her in the lobby and looked her in the eye. "Are you okay…with hearing your mom talk about her life in Wyoming?"
She bit her lip but nodded. "It wasn't easy to listen to, and it's not easy to think about what she went through but maybe I haven't really allowed myself to think about what it must've truly been like for her…but I'm okay, and I hope if nothing else that she feels better getting some of that off her chest."
"I'm sure it is probably a relief to her," he agreed. "But I could tell that she was hoping for a better reaction from your father."
"I know," she said as she stepped back into his embrace for a moment. "I'm glad you were there with me…it made it easier."
He hugged her tightly and when she moved to step away, he held onto her. "You promised me a kiss earlier."
She smiled. "So I did," she answered before kissing him the way she had wanted to in the break room.
"That was so worth the wait," he commented when it was over.
Kate blushed and laughed softly. "Let's go to work, Castle."
As midnight approached, Johanna gave up hope that Kate would be back anytime soon. She sighed, she was going to have to bring up the issue of sleeping arrangements and she knew that when she did so, a certain level of rejection would come with it as she doubted that he'd want to share a bed with her.
"Are you going to bed?" she asked, not knowing how else to broach the topic.
Jim's gaze flicked to her face for the first time in hours. "You go on," he told her. "I'll wait for Katie."
"If she isn't back by now, then chances are she won't be home until morning," Johanna replied. "There's no reason for you to sit up all night."
"I'll sleep here."
She rolled her eyes. "You've never been able to sleep well on a couch."
"I'll make do."
"Jim," she sighed, feeling weary as she looked at the unsettled expression on his face. She was becoming so very tired of all this and holding herself together while she talked about Wyoming had left her drained.
"Johanna…I just can't be next to you right now. I'm sorry," he said gently, a part of him regretting his rejection of her as hurt flicked across her features.
"Who said I'd be next to you?" she retorted.
"Well where else would you be?" he asked. "I doubt Katie would think much of coming home to find you sleeping on the couch."
"I'll sleep in Katie's room until she gets back," Johanna remarked. "And then I'll wake you up so you can leave because that's what you want to do anyway!"
"You know you want me to go, Johanna."
"You're right," she told him, her voice thick with emotion. "I do want you to go, but not because I don't want you here. I know that sometimes you need to be alone to work things out, and maybe if we had some space between us you could do that, because this isn't working for us. Forcing you to sit here with me day after day only makes it worse, because you know it isn't my nature not to try and fix things…and the more I try to explain and fix this, the more you resist and fight me and I can't stand to sit here and feel your eyes on me and know that you're judging me."
The knowledge that things had deteriorated so far that she wanted him to leave hurt, but he didn't react to it. That small part of his brain that was still somehow managing to function with a bit of rationality figured that he deserved it and knew that she was only lashing out at him in regards to her own anger and hurt.
"I don't want to fight with you anymore tonight," he stated; his tone quiet and void of anger.
"Then don't," she whispered.
"Go to bed, Jo."
She held his gaze. "Where?" she asked; a part of her hoping that his softer tone meant he might change his mind and come and lay down with her despite their anger with one another, because truth be told, that was all she wanted.
"In Katie's room, like you said," Jim answered.
She swallowed hard and blinked a few times to keep her eyes clear of moisture. Hopes could be dashed so easily…she should know that by now.
"Goodnight," she whispered as she got up from the chair and walked away at a brisk pace.
She shut herself away in Kate's room, her head falling against the closed door in defeat. She wanted to cry and yet she felt reluctant to allow herself the luxury. It seemed as though that was all she did. In Wyoming, tears had been her constant companions and now she was home…and they were still keeping her company, day and night whether it be over Katie or over Jim. She wondered if maybe one day she'd simply run out of tears to shed.
She moved away from the door and clicked on the lamp until she pulled back the covers and climbed into Kate's bed. She hoped she wouldn't mind that she was borrowing it. She shut off the light and wiggled around until she found a comfortable spot. She heard Jim in the hallway, making his way to her room and she squeezed her eyes shut. Why couldn't he have just given in a little? She thought that maybe after she had talked about Wyoming that maybe it would've softened things or at least opened the door to a more rational, open conversation but it hadn't. Once Kate and Rick had left, silence had fallen and when she had asked him if he wanted to talk about it some more, his response had been a gruff 'no' and then he had said nothing to her until she broached the topic of where they were each going to sleep.
She had hoped that maybe he would hold her once they were alone, that he might offer her some measure of affection after she had bared her soul and told them just how awful life had been without them. The tears were welling up again and she took deep breaths to hold them back. She just wanted to lie next to him…she just wanted him. It had been five days since he'd kissed her, five days since she had been in his arms, six days since the last time she heard him say he loved her. It was ridiculous to keep track…but that was a habit she had acquired in Wyoming, only back then she kept track of how many months, days, and years had passed since she had been with her family. She thought her tallying days were over…apparently she had been wrong.
Jim pulled open one of the dresser drawers with the intent of changing his clothes for bed, but he paused, taking in the sight of the clothes had been keeping there as they rested next to some of Johanna's. He couldn't help but think about how nice it was to see that sight once again, to have some of his things mixed up in hers. A shadow of a smile crossed his lips as he recalled how sometimes she had bypassed her own pajamas and nightgowns in favor of one of his shirts. He released a heavy breath, it seemed as though everything he did and everywhere he looked, he could be reminded of a memory that he held dear in relation to his wife…it was almost as if the universe was trying to tell him something. He changed clothes and then pulled back the covers on the bed but instead of climbing into it, he sat down on the foot of it.
He should just go back to the couch, he thought to himself. How was he going to sleep in a bed that smelled of her strawberry soap and perfume? If he was able to find sleep, he knew that he'd constantly be reaching for her every time he rolled over and smelled those scents that were unique to her. He ran a hand through his hair, yeah, he should've just stayed on the couch…or maybe he should've just shared the bed with her.
It was funny how anger worked, he thought to himself. He could feel positively livid with her and yet still want her all at the same time. It just didn't make sense. He looked down at his hands, more specifically at the wedding band on his finger that he had never taken off. He had half expected her to take off her engagement ring in the aftermath of their fight but she hadn't, and she was still wearing her wedding band on the chain around her neck. He moved his hand a little, allowing the light to hit the gold band he wore. The part of him that functioned solely as her husband had wanted to comfort her after she had spoken about her life in Wyoming and yet the other part of himself hadn't allowed it. He had seen the tears she was holding back, and he had almost crumbled. He was still unsure about the truthfulness of her statements regarding Jack, but he had no doubt in his mind that she had been telling the truth about everything else that she spoke of about her life in Wyoming.
He didn't like to hurt her…it didn't make him feel good, but he was hurt too. He was hurt and yet a part of him just wanted to gather her up in his arms and hold her and promise her that the next thirteen years would be better than the last, but he couldn't…because now he wasn't so sure what the future held for them.
He hated this. He hated being at war with himself, hated having to doubt her. He should just cross the hall and pick her up out of that bed and carry her back to her own…and then join her. She'd come to him if he reached for her, he knew she would despite her own anger and frustration. He had seen it in her eyes when she asked where she should sleep. That was all he had to do, cross the hallway, pull her out of that bed and bring her back to hers…lay her down and lose himself in her for awhile, make them both forget, make them both feel better for a little while and before he could think about what he was doing, he was on his feet and moving towards the door and just as his hand reached for the knob, his doubts came back, and the image of Jack's name on her phone came back to haunt him and his hand fell away. He couldn't. He just couldn't go to her tonight, not when he was still conflicted about what the truth was between her and Jack. He retreated and then climbed into her bed…alone…surrounded by her scent and her belongings scattered around the room.
Kate sighed tiredly as she glanced at her watch. "Let's call it a night guys. We'll pick up where we left off in the morning."
She didn't have to tell them twice. Ryan and Esposito said their goodbyes and then scurried towards the exit, leaving her and Castle to follow in their wake. They were quiet until they got into the car and then he turned towards Kate and said, "I have a solution for your mother's problem."
"Which one?"
"The stir crazy one."
"I'm listening."
"When I took that phone call earlier, it was my mother and she asked about our evening and I mentioned Johanna's need for a change of scenery and she said that she would be home tomorrow and that she wouldn't mind if your mom was to spend the day with her.
Kate considered the idea for a moment, it sounded like a good plan. Castle's building was secure, in fact it was probably more secure than her own and she could request a unit to watch the building. It would also provide her mother with someone her own age to talk to and maybe Martha could help her in some way, even if it was just letting her unburden herself.
"That's a great idea, Castle," she stated. "I'm sure she'd love to spend the day with Martha as long as it's alright with the two of you."
"It's fine," he replied. "And you don't have to worry, she'll be safe there. I'll make sure the doorman knows that no one is to get to my door with exception of us and Alexis."
She nodded. "Sounds good. I'm sure my parents will be relieved to get away from each other for the day. I'll bring her over after breakfast."
"I told you I'd think of something," he gloated.
Kate smiled. "Thanks, Rick," she said softly, dropping one hand from the wheel to take his for a moment.
'Anytime," he promised and then after a moment he added, "But you owe me, so next time my mother needs a judge for her costumes or whatever else, I'm sending her to you."
"Fair enough," she laughed.
Her hand moved back to the wheel and he settled back into against his seat. He hoped a day apart would soothe things between Jim and Johanna because he was forming a plan for Kate for Saturday night and Jim was going to have to deal with his wife because his daughter's presence was going to be required elsewhere.
It was a little after four when Kate entered her apartment, finding it dark and quiet. She saw no one on the couch and she hoped that was a good sign as she knew her father wouldn't have gone home and left her mother alone. She crept down the hallway quietly, her gaze straying toward the closed door of the guest room. The thought of knocking and announcing that she was home wasn't an option. If they were in there together she wasn't going to interfere. Maybe there would be peace once again.
She moved to her own bedroom door and opened it and then rolled her eyes as she realized her mother was sound asleep in her bed. So much for the restoration of peace she thought. She entered the room quietly, toeing off her shoes before removing her badge and gun and then quickly changing into her pajamas. When she was finished she moved to the side of the bed her mother was occupying and nudged her awake.
"Hey, Goldilocks, what are you doing in my bed?" Kate asked her.
"Your father didn't want to sleep with me," Johanna mumbled sleepily, her eyes still closed.
Kate scoffed. "As much as it pains me to say so, I think he does want to sleep with you and that's part of the reason for this torrid family squabble we have going on here."
"Torrid family squabble?" Johanna said as she cracked an eye open. "Someone's been spending too much time with a writer."
Kate shot her a look. "You shouldn't complain about that; rumor has it that you have him pegged as your future son-in-law."
Johanna sat up, swinging her legs off the bed and then shrugged. "All mothers do a little son-in-law shopping from time to time."
"I can do my own shopping, thank you very much," Kate informed her.
"You don't have to get huffy," Johanna replied. "Obviously we're both browsing in the same aisle…that has to tell you something."
"Let's not get off topic here, we were talking about you and Dad and your...issue."
"Yeah, well I…," Johanna began to say but trailed off as she looked up at her daughter. "I can't talk to you about that."
"It's not like I want you to," her daughter answered, and even in the dim early morning light, she could see her cringe at the thought of it.
Johanna sighed. "It's times like these when I really miss Sharon," she said as she thought of her old friend.
"I'm sorry," Kate whispered because she didn't know what else to say. She sympathized with her longing for her best friend; she knew there were times when she'd be lost if she didn't have Lanie.
"It's not your fault," her mother murmured as she glanced around for the clock. "What time is it?"
"After four," she answered as her mother rose from the bed. "Where are you going?"
"The couch," she replied, because she wasn't about to go wake Jim even though she had told him that she would. "I was just borrowing your bed until you got home."
"How did this come about anyway?"
Johanna told her about the discussion she and Jim had about sleeping arrangements and when she was finished, Kate shook her head in amusement.
"You don't make any sense at all, Mother," she told her. "You're mad at him and yet you give up your bed so he can sleep in comfort."
"I know, but that doesn't mean I want him to be uncomfortable…God knows there's enough discomfort around here at the moment and besides, he was never able to sleep well on a couch and that would just make his already surly disposition worse which wouldn't do me any good in the long run."
Kate gave her a small smile. "Well don't worry, you're getting a break tomorrow…or should I say today?"
"Really?" Johanna asked hopefully. "Does he have something else to do?"
"No, Martha's going to be home tomorrow so I'm going to take you over there for the day; that is if that's alright with you."
Johanna smiled. "That's perfect. It'll be so nice to get out of here for awhile, and nice to have someone else to talk to…no offense of course."
"None taken," Kate assured.
Johanna resumed her trek towards the door. "Get some sleep, Katie."
"You don't have to sleep on the couch," Kate told her. "Go get in your bed, he'll be asleep, he won't notice."
"That's what you think," she replied with a slight laugh.
"You can stay here then. We can make do for a few hours."
"That's alright," her mother said as she opened the door. "I'll be fine. You get some rest."
Kate knew it was futile to argue so she said goodnight and allowed her to go.
The next morning, Martha locked the door of the loft after indulging Kate by listening to the instructions that she already knew. The door was to remain locked and they weren't to leave the apartment. She made her way back to Johanna who was still standing in the same spot where Kate had left her.
"You'll have to overlook Katie," Johanna told her. "In the process of being my protector she's acquired the habit of sounding like my mother."
"Oh that's alright," Martha told her as she motioned for her to follow her to the living room. "Make yourself comfortable. Richard told me that you've been having a bad week but he didn't elaborate."
"I just don't know what to do anymore, Martha," Johanna said quietly as she kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable on the opposite end of the sofa from Martha.
"What happened?"
She smiled wearily as she glanced up at the ceiling. "Everything went to hell."
"Can't be everything," Martha replied gently. "I noticed that someone hugged you before she left."
"I didn't mean Katie."
"Jim?"
Her throat constricted with a sob but she swallowed it. "Yeah."
"You want to tell me about it?"
Johanna nodded and then told her the whole story of the time they had been spending together, their argument and the chilly days that had followed between them.
"I just don't know what to do anymore," she told her when she finished, anguish in her voice. "The more he keeps to himself, and the more he refuses to listen…I just…yesterday I found myself looking at him and having such terrible thoughts in my mind."
"What thoughts?" Martha asked as she studied her expression.
Johanna sucked in a breath. "I found myself wondering, Is it worth it? Is it really worth it to keep fighting? Maybe it's too far gone, maybe it's too broken to fix…maybe he's being so stubborn because he's changed his mind. Maybe he doesn't want to be roped back into a marriage with me…and I don't want to force him to be with me, especially if he doesn't trust me. What type of marriage is that to have? Is he always going to wonder if I'm lying to him? Am I always going to have to walk on egg shells so he doesn't throw it in my face about what I've done? Am I always going to have to live my life in fear and scrutiny? And then I hated myself for even thinking that, because of course he's worth it, he's worth everything…but what if he doesn't think it's worth it anymore?
"Do you really think that?" she inquired softly.
"I don't know," Johanna answered. "I think it's about more than just a phone call."
Martha chose her words carefully. "You said that he accused you of holding back with him…are you?"
"No, not in the way he means. I guess I've been holding back in the respect that...it's awkward to carry on that part of our relationship in our daughter's home."
"She's not always there. Can't you…make use of that time."
"It's not as easy as you'd think it would be. Even when she's not there I have to contend with phone calls and sometimes she comes home to check on things…so there's always the worry that…I'll be humiliated," she told her. "I managed to keep her from walking in on us when she was a kid, and I'd like to keep avoiding that now that she's an adult."
Her friend laughed softly. "I'm sure the door locks."
"But still," Johanna said, laughing with her even as her cheeks heated with embarrassment. "It's not the ideal place for privacy."
"Can't you and Kate work something out…some sort of 'stay away' code?"
"Oh God," Johanna said. "We had that conversation when she figured out that she had interrupted something with one of her phone calls…it was terrible."
"I would've liked to have been a fly on the wall for that one."
"No you wouldn't," Johanna said as she shook her head. "I didn't even want to be there for it."
Martha laughed. "Thirteen years is a long time, Johanna."
"I'm aware of that," she answered. "Even my daughter saw fit to tell me that…during our second awkward talk about my sex life, and just let me say that you know it's bad when even your daughter is telling you it needs to be done."
Martha was still laughing. "I'm surprised the two of you can look each other in the eye. If it was that bad for you, I can imagine how it was for Kate."
"It wasn't pretty," she admitted and then after a moment she said, "It's not that I don't want to…be with him. I do…I really, really, do and I was ready to put all of those stupid worries aside for a day and just let things…happen," she stated. "But the day I planned to do that, Jack called and ruined everything."
"Let's talk about Jack," Martha said. "Tell me about him."
"Jack is just a friend…he's just…there," she said, and Martha could tell that her tone held no hint of emotion that she was attached in any way to the man.
"Just there?" she inquired.
Johanna nodded. "Yeah, he's just there. I don't care if he's there and I don't care if he's not. He's not someone who occupies my thoughts. He's a nice man and he means well but…there's nothing there. I don't look at him and feel anything…there's no attraction, no desire, no temptation or wondering what it might be like. There's just nothing. He's just someone who's there."
Martha didn't doubt her, but she asked questions anyway. "There was never temptation?"
"No."
"You never thought about…being with him…just for the sake of being with someone?"
"No," Johanna told her. "Never. If I couldn't be with the person I wanted than I didn't want to be with anyone."
"Did he ever try?
"Try what?"
Martha chuckled. "Try anything. Did he ever kiss you?"
"I pushed him away."
Martha's brow rose. "Before…or after?"
"Before!" she exclaimed.
Her friend chuckled softly and laid a soothing hand on her wrist. "Don't get upset, I just wanted to be sure, I wouldn't judge you if it had been afterwards."
"But I would," Johanna replied. "I would've never forgiven myself if I had allowed it to happen."
"How did he take that?" Martha asked.
She shrugged. "Honestly I didn't think much about how he reacted to it, I was too busy telling him that it was never going to happen and that he shouldn't bother attempting it again because I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship."
"And did he ever try again?"
"Almost."
"Almost?"
Johanna nodded. "I could tell he was thinking about attempting it so I removed myself from the situation before he could make up his mind. He's just convinced that I'm going to change my mind one day, even though I keep telling him that I'm not."
"Why keep talking to him then? Why not just sever the friendship."
"Because I work with him and my office is across the hall from him and I…I just didn't want to make things awkward or make trouble. It's different there than it is here," she remarked. "They're kind people but…everyone seems to know everything, especially at work and I just didn't need the drama. He doesn't relentlessly pursue me…it's just that every once in awhile he takes it into his head to try again."
"I see," Martha said; and for a moment Johanna was afraid that Martha didn't see at all and that she was forming the wrong idea.
"I don't encourage him," she felt it necessary to say. "It's not like I flirt with him or give any sign that I'm inclined towards romance."
"Why haven't you?" she inquired. "With things the way they were you would've been well with in your rights to be with someone if you wanted, so why not have a relationship with this man. Obviously he cares about you and would like to be something more."
"I don't care if he wants more, I don't care if he has feelings for me. It's just…he's not Jim," she stated. "And if it's not Jim than it can't be anyone. Like I said, I look at Jack and there's nothing there."
Martha smiled in understanding. "But that's not how it was with Jim, right?"
"The first time I looked into Jim's eye's…I just had to know him," Johanna said; her tone wistful for those long ago days. "I won't say it was love at first sight, because it wasn't…but I admit to having a crush right from the start."
She laughed softly. "Is that right?"
Johanna nodded, a small smile curving her lips upward despite the glimmer of tears that lingered in her eyes. "How could I not?" she said in remembrance. "He was handsome…of course I shouldn't say was, he still is handsome, time hasn't changed that," she said before turning her thoughts back to the path they had been on. "But he was also very kind, and warm, and…he was just this person that I had to get to know. I was drawn to him…despite the fact that he assumed I was a secretary," she added with a laugh.
Martha chuckled. "I take it you had an interesting first meeting."
She laughed lightly and set about telling Martha about the day she had met Jim.
"Of course you know that after that statement was made I had it in my head that I had to prove myself to him," Johanna said as she wrapped up the story.
"That's our nature," she agreed. "If someone thinks we're incapable of something we have to go out and prove them wrong…especially if it's a man."
Johanna laughed. "Most definitely if it's a man…in my case, especially that one. I don't mean it to sound like he disrespected me or thought that I wasn't capable of doing the job, because he wasn't like that; it just annoyed me to no end that he assumed that I was a secretary. It wasn't an easy profession to be in at that time," she said, her gaze flicking to Martha. "But of course I don't have to tell you how things were in the 70's, you were there, I'm sure you suffered as much discrimination as I did."
Martha nodded. "I know exactly what you're talking about; the theater was in no way exempt from discrimination, and neither was any other job I had to take on to help make ends meet."
"It wasn't easy," Johanna said again in agreement with her ally. "But Jim was always there looking after me, despite my assurances that I could take care of myself."
She sounded wistful and Martha wanted to know her story, the whole story and so she looked at her in understanding and compassion and said softly, "Tell me about your life, Johanna."
"What about it?"
"Everything," she told her. "Everything you're comfortable telling me."
Johanna nodded and then allowed her words to flow, weaving her life story for Martha with barely any thought at all as the hours passed.
It was so very easy to talk to her; she didn't have to censor herself with her, she didn't have to worry about saying something that might cause offense or worsen a sore spot of the heart or earning someone's ire. Martha's kind blue eyes never held judgment; nor did they contain pity. Johanna looked into those eyes and saw the understanding she had been longing for, she saw compassion, and she saw someone who was willing to listen to anything she had to say.
Martha allowed her to take her time, to go off on some side tangent or to fall into silence until she found the right words to convey what was on her mind. Martha gently prodded and prompted, listening intently to the stories that slipped past her lips about her life, her childhood, her rocky relationship with her father, the bond she had with her mother. She told her how she and Jim had come to be, she spoke of motherhood and its ups and downs. She took a deep breath and told her about January 1999 and the thirteen hellish years that had followed. She spoke of Wyoming, of the life she had been forced to endure. She told her about the evening of Kate's shooting, those black thoughts that haunted her, her almost constant states of depression. She spoke of Carolyn…and Jack. She told her about the decision and journey home. Every word she spoke, every memory she relayed, every tear, laugh, and every ache she shared with her helped ease the burden from her slender shoulders, and it felt so very freeing.
She had forgotten how good it was just to talk without worrying about saying the wrong thing. In a few short hours, Martha knew more about her than Carolyn had ever been able to gleam in thirteen years. Finally her words carried her back to the present, all the thoughts and feelings she had been having, and eventually her topic was carried back to her current problems with Jim and how frustrated she was with the whole situation.
"Maybe it's time to push back, Johanna," Martha said softly as she took her hand. "Maybe it's time for you to lay your cards on the table and see where you stand."
Johanna exhaled a shuddering breath as she swiped at her eyes and then she turned her gaze to Martha's face. "What if I make the wrong play? What if this is the hand I lose?"
She couldn't lie to her and tell her that losing her husband wasn't a possibility, and she wouldn't, because Johanna was smarter than that and she didn't deserve to be patronized. "Then that's how it's meant to be," she said quietly.
The thought of not being with Jim was like having a ton of bricks dropped on her and she could feel the weight of that fear pressing against her heart. It would be the cruelest form of punishment to lose him after everything they had been through, to have nearly forty years go down the drain and she didn't know how she'd cope or who she was if she didn't have Jim.
"What do I do then?" Johanna whispered. "What do I do if I lose him now?
Martha looked her in the eye. "The only thing you can do," she told her. "You pick yourself up and be thankful for the years you had, the brief time you had together when you came home. You cherish that love and you let him go…you move on. You'll still have Kate…and you'll have to make yourself content with that."
That was what she was afraid of and what if she couldn't be content with just having her daughter? Kate was a grown woman now, she had her own life, a life that kept her busy with the line of work she was in and then there was her relationship with Rick that seemed to grow day by day and Johanna imagined it would continue to do so and naturally progress to the point where they'd be married and have a family of their own. Kate wouldn't want her around all the time, hovering and interfering. She wouldn't want the burden of being the only person in her life. She'd end up alone…oh sure, Kate wouldn't abandon her completely, she'd call and come around every so often, but Johanna could see the years stretching out before her and she could envision the bleakness of a future that didn't include Jim. She could see herself in a small apartment, waking up and going to sleep alone just as she had in Wyoming only it would be a thousand times worse than it was before, because there would be no hope of his arms to go home to one day; no hope that they'd be able to fulfill those dreams they had. Jim would become the one who got away, and to be so near him only to be denied would cripple her.
It wasn't that her daughter wasn't enough, she was everything to her in her own way, but Jim was everything to her too. Each of them had a piece of her heart and if her husband cast her aside, if he gave up on her…how would she be able to go on with a heart that was no longer whole?
Martha watched the emotion play across her features and she squeezed her hand, a part of her feeling as though she should've given her something more hopeful but a happy ending wasn't guaranteed here. She hoped there would be one for Johanna's sake, but perhaps her friend had to accept the possibility that it might not work out the way she had planned.
"Do you think there's any hope?" Johanna asked softly as she began to lose the battle with her emotions.
Martha nodded and gave her a small smile. "There's always hope, darling. Sometimes things get blown so out of proportion that it can very well look like the end, but then somewhere along the way, the dust settles and someone comes to their senses and it all works out."
If she was going to have to sit down and lay her cards on the table with Jim, then she was going to have to have her breakdown first. With that thought in mind she allowed herself to crumble, the tears coming in torrents and sobs as Martha held onto her hand, lending her a quiet brand of comfort and strength.
When she was through, and her face had been washed and she had been hugged by her friend, she put herself back together, her resolve building as she switched into a more comfortable mind set.
She took a breath and her gaze found Martha's, her green eyes alight with determination that she could win the battle, or at least the hope that she could.
"I guess this better be the best closing argument of my life," she told her.
"Are you up for the job, counselor?" Martha asked, a smile tugging at her lips.
It had been a long time since anyone had called her that and it felt good to hear; it put her in the mindset she needed. As an attorney she kept her mind focused on presenting the best case she could for her client. She kept her eye on the goal of winning. She could see this fight the same way, only this time she was not only the attorney, she was the client as well, she had to fight for herself and her marriage. She had to win, she couldn't settle for anything less until the verdict was read.
She smiled and nodded. "Closing arguments were always my specialty."
"And what's your success rate?" her friend asked lightly.
There was a glimmer of pride in her eyes as she replied, "I don't like to brag but I think my success rate was pretty damn good."
Martha laughed. "Then you should have no trouble."
Johanna gave a brief nod in agreement…at least she hoped she'd have no trouble…she was a little rusty after all. "No," she told herself, "Don't think that way…I can do this."
That afternoon, Jim was seated at his kitchen table, his friend Jeff sitting across from him. Jeff was biding his time as they made small talk. Jim had called him to come over but he had yet to tell him whatever it was that was on his mind although he had a suspicion about what it was…or perhaps he should say who it was, he thought to himself. A lull in their conversation presented him the opportunity to move the conversation forward so they could get to the issue at hand.
"So, what has Sassy done?" Jeff asked.
"What makes you think it's Johanna?"
Jeff smirked. "Because Johanna is the only person who can put that look on your face."
"What about Katie?"
"You have a different look for Katie," his friend replied.
Jim smiled wryly. "Well I guess it's good to know that I have more than one expression."
He laughed. "You've always had a whole range of expressions for Johanna…most of them of the lovesick variety."
"It wasn't that bad," Jim retorted with a laugh.
"Oh trust me it was. I've been here for the entirety of the Jim and Johanna show; I saw all of those looks…from both of you."
"Like you've never had any expressions like that for the women in your life," Jim remarked.
"Alright," Jeff conceded, raising a hand in surrender. "What's going on with you and Sassy? Did you get interrupted again?"
"Worse," Jim stated and then after a moment's pause he told Jeff about how nicely things had been going between them until that morning of Jack's phone call. He described the conversation, the blow up that had followed and the days of silence and bickering that they had been enduring since then. He finished his narrative by telling him about the talk Johanna had gave about her life in Wyoming.
Jeff was silent as he weighed all the information and his friend's response to it. The word 'overreacted' came to mind, but he wouldn't go down that road just yet, as he could tell that Jim still had a few things to vent but as the silence lingered he tried to think of the possibility that Johanna might've had an affair but the image just wouldn't form in his brain. It seemed impossible in relation to what he knew of her character. He had known her for the same length of time that Jim had. He could still remember that day when they had met her, it was her first day on the job and his best friend had spotted her as she leaned against a desk. Jim had been drawn to her as if there had been some magnetic pull, and he had went along because he was never one to turn down the chance to meet a pretty girl, and she was a beautiful woman with her sassy smile and attitude to match and those green eyes that sparkled with amusement. He knew his best friend was done for on the spot; and he had somehow found the little sister he had always wanted.
She was fiercely loyal to those she loved and he couldn't imagine that changing just because she had been forced to assume a new identity. When his first wife, Maggie, had left him for a man she had been having an affair with, Johanna had been livid. She hadn't approved or condoned what Maggie had done, and even though they had been friends as well, Jo had taken his side right along with Jim. When the divorce became contentious and Maggie had tried to keep his kids from him, it had been Johanna who went and had want she termed 'a woman to woman' talk with her and that evening after said talk, Johanna had pulled into his driveway and his three kids tumbled out of the back of her car with their overnight bags in hand. The issues of custody, support and visitation went much smoother after Johanna had taken it upon herself to interfere and he still wondered from time to time what exactly she had said to Maggie to make her change her attitude. Johanna would never tell him, she hadn't even told Jim and so he couldn't fathom that someone who had taken that strong of a stance would then turn around and betray her own husband in the same way. It didn't seem possible and he didn't believe it. Johanna had been wrapped up in Jim forever and a love that strong wouldn't have allowed her to break her vows no matter what the situation was and he had been about to remark upon that when Jim began to speak again.
"She works with him," Jim stated. "Isn't that convenient?"
Jeff bit back a grin; Jim had already informed him of that when he had described the argument but he would play along and let him get it all out of his system. "So Jack is a professor too?"
"As far as I know. I guess he's probably one of those intellectual types…they probably have a lot in common."
"Johanna has a lot in common with you," Jeff reminded him. "Besides, I don't think intellectual guys are her type…she did marry you after all," he said with amusement.
Jim smirked. "Thanks a lot."
"Jack's probably a nerd," Jeff stated, figuring a little bashing of the competition might be necessary…as it had been when he had faced a similar situation.
"You think so?"
He nodded. "I bet he is, and I just don't see Sassy hooking up with a nerd."
"What if that's all they have out there?" Jim asked. "Maybe she didn't have much to pick from."
Jeff shook his head. "I really don't see Johanna being with someone else."
His statement went overlooked however as Jim continued on his tirade against Jack.
"What kind of name is Jack anyway?" Jim grumbled as his hand curled into a fist as it laid upon the table.
Jeff shrugged. "An ordinary one like mine and yours…in fact they all start with the same letter…even Johanna's name starts with the same letter. Isn't that funny?"
"Hilarious," Jim said without amusement. "Maybe she has a fetish with the letter 'J'."
Jeff chuckled. "And if I remember correctly, Jo's favorite word to call a man was always 'jackass' which also starts with a 'J'."
"Yeah," Jim said, "And isn't it ironic that the first half of that word is 'Jack'?"
He laughed. "Boy, no one can get you worked up like Sassy can. I bet you've looked this guy up online."
Jim said nothing and he laughed again. "So you have. Did you find anything?"
"No, I don't know his last name and Katie won't find out for me. She won't even find out and run him through her computer…can you believe that."
"Well of course Katie isn't going to do that," Jeff stated. "She has enough problems; she doesn't need you adding to it with your jealousy induced need to know about Jack from Wyoming."
"But still," Jim stated, a hint of a smile on his lips, "A little loyalty would be nice…at least from one woman in my life."
His friend couldn't help but laugh. "I think you're going off the deep end here, buddy."
"Well Johanna's always been good at sending me off the deep end."
Jeff nodded. "I know. I remember the Charles Patterson debacle, and your two plans you debated between in regards to dealing with the problem; and I believe plan A was to strangle her and plan B was to sleep with her."
"Lucky for her, I went with plan B," Jim stated and then after a moment he added, "Maybe I should've let Patterson have her."
"You wouldn't have survived that," his friend laughed. "I thought you were going to have a stroke when he had his hand on her knee."
"His hand was above the knee!"
"So," Jeff said, egging him on. "It wasn't anywhere you hadn't put your hands on her…in fact, by then you had already had the experience of being locked in a hotel room with her so we both know you had your hands in other places."
"That was different!" Jim stated.
"Why?"
"Because it was my hands," he told him; "And no one else had or has a right to put their hands on her! Not Charles Patterson and not Jack…from Wyoming," he said as he still didn't have a last name for the bastard. "I'm the only one who has that right. Johanna is mine."
"I'm sure Sassy is well aware of the fact that she's yours."
"Yeah well Jack needs to be aware of it!"
"You told me that she said that she told Jack that she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship."
"Well of course she's going to tell me she said that," Jim replied. "Do you think she's going to look me in the eye and tell me she's been with someone else?"
Jeff sighed. "Honestly, I can't imagine Johanna having an affair. It's not in her character. She's never given any indication that she was the type of person who would be unfaithful."
"She never gave any indication that she was going to leave me, but she did," Jim stated.
His friend caught his eye and held his gaze. "Is that really fair?" he asked him. "Johanna didn't leave you because she wanted to and you know that, and I think she's probably been punished enough for it. I don't believe for one moment that just because she was somewhere else that she changed her standards or relaxed her morals. I was the one with a cheating wife, not you."
"That was then."
"And this is now," Jeff stated. "You can't change the past, it's a done deal. Johanna is here now, and she says that she didn't have an affair. She loves you, she always has. She's never been the type to approve or condone an affair either, I mean think about it, when Maggie left me for someone else, Johanna didn't approve of that. She was on my side even though she and Maggie had been friends up until the point."
"I know."
"So why would she turn around and act that way herself?" he asked. "And don't tell me because of the situation she was in because I don't even want to hear that. I don't give a damn what name she was calling herself, she was still Johanna, and Johanna loves you no matter where she is."
"She says I should take her word for it, just like she's always trusted me and took my word for things."
Jeff regarded him with a knowing look. "Is that what part of the problem is? You're afraid to take Johanna's word for it because you know that sometimes you weren't always truthful with her?"
"I know that I've lied to her about some things…but never about something like this."
"Come on, Jim. A lie is a lie; the specifics of it don't really matter. There have been times when you lied to her and she believed you, and I'm asking you if that's playing a role here. Are you remembering times when you weren't honest with her and feeling guilty in light of her bringing up the fact that she never questioned you or accused you of anything? Is that why you think she's lying to you now?"
"No," he insisted. "I'm sure Johanna's well aware of the fact that I've lied to her in past, just like I know she's lied to me before; but those things were never important. They were never things that could rip us apart. Those were little issues about money and dents in the car…stupid things that could never really hurt anyone but were lied about to avoid an unnecessary argument."
"So if you know that's she never lied to you about something like this before, then why are you so set on the fact that she may be doing so now?" Jeff asked.
"Because she might be afraid," Jim admitted. "She probably doesn't want to hurt me anymore than she already knows she has and maybe she's afraid that I won't take her back if she was with him."
"Would you?"
"I don't know," he admitted. "If Johanna was to confess that she had been with this guy…I just don't know. I can forgive her for leaving, because that was to save her life, and no matter how much I suffered from those actions, I'd still prefer it to be that way, because I'd do anything, give anything, to keep her safe and alive, even if it meant being without her; but to give herself to someone else? I don't know if I could forgive that."
"But what if she's telling the truth?" Jeff asked. "I think she may be getting convicted without a fair trial."
"How do you figure?"
"It was one phone call, Jim," his friend stated. "And in my opinion from what you told me, it only sounds damning on Jack's end. Johanna's hands are tied in what answers she can give to anyone in Wyoming, and the answers you told me she gave, again, in my opinion, sound like neutral, unemotional answers that really didn't tell this man anything. If she was acting nervous it was probably because she was caught between the two lives that she had to live…and maybe even because she knows you and your penchant for jumping to conclusions on occasion."
"I have a right to jump to conclusions."
"That may be true in some ways," Jeff replied, "But let's think about this, you're with her all the time, if this guy was having an affair with her don't you think you'd have caught one of these phone calls before now? She's been here for awhile now, Jim. I know you're with her in the daytime, that sometimes you stay with her at night, and when you're not with her Katie is, and I don't think Katie would let strange phone calls go unquestioned or without saying something to you about it. The conversation you overheard obviously established the fact that she's had no contact with him or anyone else in Wyoming in all the time she's been in New York."
"That still doesn't take away the fact that another man has been apart of life for the past thirteen years! A person I know nothing about," Jim remarked sharply.
"You said that Johanna forced you and Katie to sit down last night and listen to her tell you about her life in Wyoming."
"So?"
"So if she had to take those measures, then obviously you've never taken the time to ask her about what she's been doing with her life for the past thirteen years," Jeff stated.
"I didn't want to know," Jim confessed. "It was too hard to think of her being out there living her life when all I had wanted all of these years was to be with her."
"I thought you said you forgive her for that?"
"I do, but that doesn't mean I can't still be angry with her for it."
Jeff nodded. "True, but being alive doesn't mean you're living, Jim. You of all people should know that and from what you've told me about that talk she gave about her 'life' in Wyoming, I'd have to say that she's spent the last thirteen years as a prisoner. I think it sounds like she faced her own brand of hell, it's not any better than the hell you went through, but on the other hand, your hell isn't any better than hers either. I think you've both suffered and been punished for something that someone else has done and it isn't right and it isn't fair, but just because she was forced into that situation doesn't mean she's become a completely different person, that doesn't mean you should convict her of a crime that you have no evidence that she committed."
"But how do I know for sure that she didn't?" Jim stubbornly stated.
Jeff sighed, this was going to take forever, but he wasn't willing to let his best friend give up on his wife. He wasn't willing to watch their second chance crash and burn without at least trying to help salvage it.
"Let's look at it in a different way."
"How many ways can we look at it?" Jim complained.
His friend ignored him, as he always did when he was being irrational and he had a point to make. "If Johanna had everything she needed in Wyoming then why would she come back here?"
"Because she didn't have her daughter in Wyoming," he answered without missing a beat.
Jeff threw his hands up in the air. "You know sometimes you're like talking to a brick wall…and half the time I think the wall would listen better."
The statement made him laugh and the image of his daughter popped into his mind in regards to it. "Maybe Katie's a little more like me than I thought."
Jeff shook his head. "That poor kid got it from both barrels, between you and Sassy she was doomed to be stubborn, temperamental, tenacious, and complicated. God help that writer, he's in for a hell of a ride with her."
"He's already been on a hell of a ride with her," Jim commented.
"I guess that's true, but let's not get off topic here. Before this phone call came in and upset the applecart, did you have any doubts?"
"Doubts about what?"
"Her intentions, her faithfulness, her loyalty."
"Of course not. It never crossed my mind that she may have found someone else."
"Why not?"
"Because she's my wife," Jim answered. "She's mine…and I…"
"And you what?" Jeff asked; hoping he was making a break through.
"And I never would've considered that she would be unfaithful."
"Because?"
"Because despite what she did…I guess I still trusted her."
"And do you, in your heart, really believe that trust has been misplaced?"
Jim was quiet for a long minute and then he looked at his friend. "I just don't know."
Jeff was silent as that statement hung in the air, but then he spoke. "I don't really think it's Johanna that you don't trust in the area of infidelity, I think it's Jack."
Jim didn't deny it so after a moment Jeff continued on. "I think you have two issues with Johanna. I think issue one, is a different type of trust. I think you're afraid that she's going to leave you again."
"And the second issue?" Jim inquired.
His friend grinned. "Sex."
"This is not about sex," Jim stated and then when his friend regarded him with a raised brow he amended his statement. "Okay; it's about how she's not supposed to have it with someone else."
Jeff laughed. "No, I think it's about how you two haven't had it and you need to before someone gets hurt. I think you need to be locked in a room together for about a week so you can start making up for lost time and then maybe the two of you can calm down and act like the reasonable, loving human beings I know your both capable of being."
Jim laughed. "I admit that the idea of being locked in a room with her for a week has a certain appeal to it; but it's not going to happen any time soon."
"Look Jim," Jeff said seriously, but his eyes still held a glimmer of amusement, "You and Sassy need to have a serious talk…and then you need to find a few hours to be locked away with her and get some of that…tension out of your systems."
Jim looked at him and gave him a slight smile. "I hate it when you make sense."
At the end of the day, Kate returned to the loft with Castle intent on collecting her mother and heading home. They had closed their case and she was tired, but by the time they had arrived, Johanna had taken over Castle's kitchen and had already made dinner for all of them. She watched her as she bustled around the kitchen, preparing plates and doting on Alexis, asking her about her preparations for college and what she and her friends had planned for the rest of their summer break.
"She seems in better spirits," Castle whispered in her ear.
"Yeah, she does," she agreed, her eyes never leaving her mother's face. Apparently a day of with Martha had been needed as she took note of a certain look in her mother's eyes. She was determined now; she was back in control and obviously had a plan. She prayed that whatever it was would work, because she was getting tired of the way things were between her parents.
"Do you have plans tomorrow night?" Castle asked.
Kate smiled, so they were going to go down this road again…good. "No."
His eyes lit up and he returned her smile. "Do you think your father will be willing to stay with your mother for a few hours even though he's supposed to be getting a break?"
"What do you have up your sleeve, Castle?"
He smirked. "My buff, muscular arm."
Kate rolled her eyes and laughed. "Besides that."
"That's for me to know and you to find out," he said dramatically. "Now do you think you can arrange things with your father? I'd bribe the boys again but I know they tease you."
"He'll be there," Kate stated.
"You seem certain of that," he remarked in amusement.
"That's because I am. I'll get him there even if I have to cry and guilt trip him."
"I've seen your work with guilt trips," he stated as he recalled when she had wheedled Jim into allowing her a sip of his coffee when she wasn't supposed to have any. "You do it beautifully."
She grinned. "Are you picking me up or am I meeting you somewhere?"
"You just be here at 7," he told her.
Her brow rose inquisitively but she knew better than to inquire about his plans as obviously he was keeping them guarded. "Should I dress up?"
"You can wear whatever you want," he replied. "There's no dress code."
She didn't know what he was up to but she couldn't wait to find out. "I'll be here," she promised.
