Chapter Twenty-eight: Wake Up
The last thing I remembered was the feeling that my lungs couldn't expand and darkness took over. I remembered Tris's face, her shocked expression, before she shoved me away from her. I remembered her telling me to stay back and that it was already in the air. But I couldn't let her do it alone. I needed to save her. But I couldn't move forward anymore. I remember turning and attempting to move away from the death serum. I wanted to live. I wanted to see Eric again. I remembered his face before everything fell away. Aching to just see him once more, to kiss his lips, and feel him beneath my hands. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and that I would always love him. I wanted him to be all right. There was a lot that I wanted. A lot that I would never be able to say or do. I'd never fought anything like this before. The feeling was definite. It was like a hard embrace that you just couldn't break. I remembered my chest ceasing its movement as my heartbeat slowed in my ears. I remembered falling forward as everything fell away. I remembered more about dying than I thought I would. And it sure as hell wasn't peaceful.
Now I found myself standing, surrounded by darkness. I strained my eyes to see through it. If I could find the light then maybe I wasn't out of the game yet. But nothing was happening. There was no sound, no smell…nothing. Only then from the darkness light did appear and I found myself moving toward it. It got brighter and brighter until it encompassed my surroundings and I once again stood in the fields of Amity. Looking around, it was all familiar, only then that stupid dog leapt onto me, knocking me to the ground.
"Orchard! Get off!" I yelled and shoved her off me.
As soon as she was off, I stood and she was already bounding through the field, only two little girls were chasing her, laughing all the while. Finding myself staring, I turned and started to run the opposite direction. Racing as far away as I could. The darkness encompassed me again for the briefest of moments and then I was directly back in the field, that damn dog bounding toward me again. Turning, I ran again, only the same thing happened. Running in every direction, the darkness would swallow me, only to spit me back out in the same Amity field watching myself as a child, chasing after my beloved pet. Only it wasn't just me it was also…
"Maggie?" I said as she stood in the field in front of me. It was easily the tenth or twelfth time I'd ended up back here. She was just as she had been at the end, standing there and smiling at me. "What's going on?" I asked her. "Is this heaven or hell?"
She just smiled and stepped toward me, "Do you really think you're dead?"
"Is that a trick question?" I frowned at her. "I died, Mags. I must have. I did just get exposed to the Death Serum. I'm pretty sure they don't call it that because it brings on some wicked hallucinations."
She laughed and shook her head, "What do you see?"
"I see us." I frowned at her. "I see us and that mutt and Amity. I just don't know what the hell I'm doing here and why I can't get out of it."
"Maybe you should slow down and try and figure it out." She suggested.
Dropping my ass onto the ground, I watched the scene play out. "I remember this." I told her.
"What do you remember?" She asked as she sat next to me.
"We were playing in the field and…" I started.
"And?"
"And we found Hazel in one of the trees." The scene seemed to fast forward, watching Maggie and I antagonize our sister. "She fell from it and chased us but I fended her off with a stick, ruining my outfit and scrapped up her arm."
"And?" She repeated.
"And Dad sat me down for a long time that night, explaining to me what it meant to be right or wrong and how I should seek forgiveness from Hazel and to apologize for what'd I'd done. I was so angry with her that I refused. Only then he brought me some soup and toast and I went and apologized." It was only then that I realized what he'd done. "He dosed me with peace serum."
"Can you blame him?" She smiled. "You were rather unruly." She got to her feet, holding her hand out to me. "This was the moment when they first considered the possibility that you were Divergent."
"I was five." I frowned.
"No one explained the rules, Pen. But they knew more than they let on and this was just one more thing they were looking for."
"This is insane."
"Come on."
"Come on?" I frowned harder. "To where? I can't leave this field."
"Let's try again." She smiled as if she knew something.
Taking her hand, I got to my feet, walking together to the end of the field. The darkness appeared and when it faded we were once again in the same damn field, only this time it wasn't the same. Now an adolescent Hazel walked through the fields with a boy, hand in hand.
"It changed." I stated with a frown.
"Do you remember this?"
"Yeah." I nodded. "This is when I scared the pair of them and when he attempted to tell me off about it, I punched him in the nose."
"You broke his nose." She laughed.
"What is going on, Mags? What is the point of this?"
She took a deep breath and we watched as I scared them, once again getting a lengthy lecture from my dad. "Another moment where Dad was sure you must be Divergent. Otherwise you never would have hit him. Amity members are supposed to be peaceful, even as children. You didn't belong even then."
"What's happening?" I asked her. "Why go all the way back to the beginning?"
She took a deep breath as if to ponder the question. "They say that your life flashes before your eyes when you die. Well, I think going through your life will get you out of this. You're not dead, Pen. You're stronger than the death serum. But you're not exactly well either. I think you need to start from the beginning and go through till the end."
"Why?" I frowned.
"To remind yourself of why your life is worth living. Yes, much has been lost, but you're stronger than this. You need to work it through and if that means watching moments of your life from beginning to end, so be it."
"Are you really here?" I asked her.
"You tell me." She retorted, still smiling.
Scoffing, I shook my head, "Then you're just a figment of my imagination. My mind simply showing me the one person who knows me better than anyone to help me through whatever the hell is going on."
"Either way, you're stuck with me." She replied.
Meeting her eyes, she was still my sister, loving and caring and amazing just like she should be. "Alright then."
"Shall we?" She asked motioning me forward.
"We shall."
Before my eyes, I watched myself grow up. The moments that helped shape who I was unfolding before my eyes. Then came the Choosing Ceremony. I watched myself walk down the stairs to the stage. I couldn't help but smile that I didn't hesitate for a second to cut my palm and drip my blood over the coals.
Then I couldn't help notice the look on my family's faces. I'd made my decision and I never looked back. Only now I did. Now I stood here looking at how my family reacted to what I'd done. Hazel was clearly dumbfounded, Maggie looked supportive, and my parents looked both worried and proud. They'd been expecting this. It took the faction war for truth to finally come out and now look where I was. Dying, trapped in my own mind. If they had just told me where they'd come from. If they had just been honest with me and my sisters, things could have turned out differently. At the same time, if I hadn't defected, I wouldn't have met Eric. So I was okay with not knowing. Even now I was okay. I wish I'd never found out.
Following myself out of the room, Maggie and I jogged with them as we moved toward the train. Watching myself get shoved to the ground, I sprung back up, racing side by side with the one who shoved me. Claude. That was the moment we met. Laughing, I stopped, watching us both get ourselves into the train and disappear down the tracks.
"That was a good day." Maggie smiled from next to me.
"That was the day I felt like my life truly began." I told her with fondness.
Maggie smiled at me, "Ready to move on?"
"Yeah, let's get this over with. I have a life to get back to."
"A good life." She added.
Sighing, I stepped forward, waiting for the darkness to envelope us and the scene change. When everything came back into focus, I momentarily froze before I rushed forward, throwing myself at Eric. Only I wasn't really here. Going through him, I slammed to the ground. Looking up at him, I fought tears as I got back to my feet, walking around him so I could see his face. This was Eric from five years ago. His face was a little smoother, his frame a little less bulky. Smiling, I bit my lip, taking him in.
"This was the first time you saw him." Maggie said coming up from behind me.
I nodded, wiping a tear from my cheek. "The first time I laid eyes on him, my heart started to race and I knew I'd be happy here." Laughing, I shook my head. "Then he opened his mouth and the asshole in him came out. Totally took away from his amazing looks."
We both laughed and we watched him make his speech. As soon as he was done and we all started to filter out, I saw myself with Claude and Henry, the bonding having already begun. Only then I saw Eric. He was watching me. His expression focused and yet I saw a flicker in them that I'd recognize anywhere.
"Is this real?" I asked Maggie.
"Is it?" She countered.
"Stop that." I frowned at her. "This isn't some sort of game, Mags. This is my life."
She smiled and nodded, "Yes, Pen. It is your life."
Looking at Eric, he was gone. The tears started to flow and I started run down the hallways that led to Eric's room. Reaching for the handle, I burst through the door only to have the scene change and I watched the final fight of stage one. I'd won against Henry. It was brutal and I couldn't see out of my eye for a couple days. But it was worth it. And there were absolutely no hard feelings between us; it was just something we had to do.
Then I watched Four realize what I was. It was obvious. He knew exactly what I was and he didn't say a word about it. He didn't tell me, he simply pushed me harder and harder. He coached me, molding me into who I was today. I was doing well, too well, and yet he didn't tell me what I was or what it meant or what I should do.
Next I was in the initiates' dormitory, laughing and fooling around with Claude and Henry. I forgot how much fun we used to have. Putting the fear of god into those that tried to quiet us. Back when we were a little more violent. Claude and I thought it made us a little more Dauntless and Henry just thought it was entertaining. Watching him was hard. He had short hair and an even cockier attitude. I loved his longer hair and his more confident self. I missed him. I would always miss him. There were so many that I was going to miss.
I watched my final test, my fears open for all to see, I watched as my simulation-self realized that something was wrong. That I wasn't like everyone else. But I hadn't put two and two together. We'd all heard of the Divergent but it was never a concern of mine. Managing to make it through as any Dauntless would, I was welcomed into Dauntless with yelling and the pounding of fists.
Stepping through the darkness, I found myself next in the Parlor. Tears entering my eyes as I took in Tori, glaring down at me as I did some practice sketches for her. I was nervous as hell. She had been told by someone how good of an artist I was and she wanted to see it. She had me there for hours, telling me what to draw and watching me do it. She asked if I had a sketchbook and I nodded, having brought it just in case. She seemed impressed, her hard demeanor melting away and the fun loving Tori I knew came out. Telling me to report to her the next day to start work. I had yet to choose a job and was more than happy to work with her.
From there I had to watch the first time she sat me down and told me what I was. Four was there. The day our relationship had gone from just trainer and faction member to brother and protector. All the blanks in my mind were put together and suddenly a lot in my life was starting to make sense. Divergence wasn't a disease or illness but something coveted and worth protecting. But only some thought that, most wanted us destroyed and they made sure that I knew to keep it secret.
As the scenes changed, they seemed to focus more and more on Eric. The looks he gave me as we passed in the halls or when we saw each other in the training room. They seemed to be never ending and I had to try and figure out if this was real or not. He had told me he'd noticed me before but if that was true then it was my entire time in Dauntless. He watched me grow up. He watched me become the person I am and then he just…changed it all.
"I can't watch any more memories." I told Maggie as I dropped to my knees.
"You've been watching Eric watch you. What's so bad about that?"
"Nothing." I replied. "I'm just…tired. It's exhausting watching all of this and taking it in when all I want is him, the him I know now."
"Then keep watching." She told me.
Feeling tears, I bowed my head, "I'm tired."
She knelt in front of me, taking my hands, "Then keep going, Pen. You can't stop now."
"Why not?" I asked with heavy emotion. "I'm tired, Maggie. We've been at this for ages. I'm tired."
"If you want to get back to him then you need to keep moving. Stop too long and you may never wake up. So get up, Pen." Meeting her eyes, I felt a wave of fear from her expression. "Get up."
Nodding, I did as I was told, moving forward and once again the darkness swallowed and spit us back out. The med area. I had a screaming patient on the table when the former head nurse left and never came back. I was forced to tend a deep laceration to an abdomen before sending them off to the city. I did a lot of that for the first couple years. Then I hit my stride when Simmy started helping out and turned it around, bringing order to a chaotic system.
Smiling when we were put into the next memory, I stepped in between myself and Eric. He had come in for the tattoos on his neck. I wasn't fond of him but I took my job seriously. We'd talked at length about what he wanted and I'd sketched out several versions before he settled on what he wanted. Watching myself tattoo them on, I couldn't help but stare at Eric's face. He was watching me. Every move I made he seemed to notice. At this moment I couldn't have cared less about him, focusing on the task and nothing else.
Then we were in the Parlor again, Eric lingering in the doorway while Tori and I joked around, laughing and dancing to the music. This was when he came for the maze tattoo on his arm. I didn't know he'd stood there for so long. We'd talked at length again about what he wanted. He even had brought in a rough draft that I'd played around with and he seemed genuinely excited about it. Even then he was more than what he seemed.
He'd told me that he'd had his eye on me for a long time but I hadn't really understood that until now. These were my memories but I was seeing them in a whole new light. Seeing things in them I never noticed before. And it wasn't just Eric. It was my memories of Claude and of Henry and of Tori and Four. It was the little things that you'd never notice unless you could go back and see it all over again. I was lucky. I knew that already but I had never been more certain of anything. I had an amazing life with an amazing family and the most perfect boyfriend. I was so lucky. Only then the moments of weakness came to mind and I couldn't help but feel guilty for ever thinking that everyone would be better off if I were gone. I wasn't anything special to the cause. That's what I'd told myself. Even if I wasn't special I was still needed and was a part of the big picture. It was all about the people in our lives and I was the center of some and nothing to others. But my family needed me. Eric needed me. There was no time to feel sorry for myself or to think that I didn't matter. I mattered. We all mattered. Even in the lowest of moments I mattered and was needed and loved and the center of someone's world. Whether it be Eric or my parents or my sister. I was needed and wanted and counted upon.
"All life matters." Maggie told me as the scene started to turn to darkness.
Looking at her, the roar of the Chasm filled my ears and I turned my head to see myself sitting with Neely's picture in my hand. I watched as I lit it on fire and sent it down the river. I looked to the path and saw Eric slowly step down it. His face was hard and yet pained. He looked nervous. I wouldn't have known it then, but he was mentally freaking out in this moment. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Watching him take a deep breath, nodding to himself, he stepped forward. I watched us argue and then make love. I felt a blush rise in my cheeks and attempted to cover Maggie's eyes. It didn't work and all she did was giggle through the whole encounter. When we were done, I watched myself rush off, looking to Eric to see his reaction. His brows were furrowed and he had an apologetic look on his face. He was sorry. I knew he was but still…seeing him now, knowing him as well as I do, I had been too hard on him. I had judged him too harshly and if I was smart I would have been with him a long time ago.
"You two are pretty awesome together." Maggie told me.
"That was just the beginning." I smirked at her.
Going through some of my most recent memories, I almost hated to see them. I didn't need to remember all the bad that had happened since the Chasm. All the blood, sweat and tears that had gone into mine and Eric's relationship. All leading up to nearly dying at the beginning of the faction war. Then to both of us nearly being killed in Jeanine's lab. To seeing so many friends die because of one woman's shortsighted thinking. All over an experiment gone wrong and her inability to change. Only those memories weren't there. It was the moments of happiness that we'd shared. The laughing in bed, the talking and showering and just holding each other. It was the little things that I fell in love with, that made us strong enough to make it through all the big ones.
Watching the memories from our time outside the wall, they didn't stop until we were outside the lab, watching me and Tris. I watched as she opened the door to the vestibule, letting out enough of the death serum to soak into our skin and fill both our lungs. I was already starting to fade, Tris shoving me away from her, telling me that everything was going to be okay and she would take care of it. She would see it done.
"This is the end." I frowned looking at Maggie.
"Is it?" She asked.
"Maggie, we've gone through my entire life, what is it exactly that you want me to see?" She just looked at me. "I get it, okay? I get that my life matters and that I have been through so much and am stronger than this serum. I can fight this and come out of it. For Eric. But not just for him but for all those who are counting on me. And Tris…" I started before the scene faded out and I was once again in darkness. "She's dead, isn't she?"
"I don't know." Maggie told me.
I nodded, tears filling my eyes, "She is. I can feel it."
"And what does that mean?"
"It means that Tobias needs me. He needs me more than Eric does. If I live and Tris dies than Eric will be relieved but Four will not be able to come back from this."
"You're needed."
I nodded, "I am."
"What are you gonna do?" She asked.
Determination filled me and I smirked at her, "I'm gonna wake up."
She smiled at me, nodding. Shutting my eyes, I let everything fall away, filling the space with my consciousness, pressing against all sides of it. Voices started to reach my ears. Then I felt pain in my throat. Something was in my throat. A tube. With the pain came a sense of panic and I started to fight it. The voices became more panicked as well, gripping my arms even though I fought against them. Trying to sit up, my heartbeat was loud in my ears and all I wanted to do was take a normal breath. Arching, there was a hand on my chest before the tube was slowly being pulled out. Exhaling hard, as soon as it was free from my mouth, I coughed for what felt like ages, before finally being able to take a deep breath. It felt so damn good.
Opening my eyes, I saw my family surrounding me. Terra and my mom held my hands, my father, Doc, and Ainsley touching my thighs and legs. I couldn't help the frown that crossed my face. The faces I needed to see most weren't there.
"Eric." I said looking between them.
Terra rolled her eyes, even though tears were on her cheeks. "Told you." She smiled at Ainsley.
"Try and relax." Doc told me.
"Where is he?" I asked her. "Where's Eric?"
"He's okay sweetie." My mother told me, making me jerk my head toward her. "He had to go to Tobias."
"Tobias." I said before I looked at Terra. "Where's Tris?" They all looked at me sadly. Confirmation that she was gone. Tears filled my eyes and I felt panic start to take me over. "I need Eric." I told them. "Please."
"He'll be back soon, Pen. Claude went to get him." Terra told me gently.
"You need to try and relax." Doc told me again. "You've been through quite a trauma."
"Can I sit up?" I asked trying to do it anyway.
"Hold on." She said and helped me.
It didn't help, starting to attempt to pull the IV and leads from my body. "I have to go. I have to get out of here. I need to find Eric. Four needs me."
"Pen, stop it." My father told me. "Please, just try and relax. They'll be here soon."
Shaking my head, tears ran from the corners of my eyes. "Eric."
"Relax or I will sedate you." Doc told me.
Meeting her eyes, I knew that it wasn't an empty threat. Nodding, I furrowed my brows and shut my eyes, forcing myself to relax against the pillows. "Okay. Fine." Only it wasn't fine. I needed Eric. I needed…water. "Can I get some water?"
It was as if they all moved at once. I didn't like this at all. I was not one to be doted on. Especially not by those closest to me. I could handle a little pampering but I honestly felt fine.
"Better?" Doc asked after I'd guzzled an entire glass.
"Sure." I replied, staring at the ceiling.
Maggie and everything I'd seen kept going through my head. The memories kept circling and my need for Eric was all consuming. I needed him. I needed to comfort Four. I needed to get out of this bed. What I didn't need was the pity that everyone was looking at me with. I didn't need them rushing around to enact my every whim. It wasn't me and it wasn't them.
"Can you all just sit down?" I asked them as they still bustled around the room while Doc examined me.
"Of course." My mother told me.
My father kept moving, filling the water picture, touching the blankets at my feet. "Dad." I said forcefully. He nodded and sat down, putting his and on my leg. "Thank you."
"Can we have the room so I can finish my examination?" Doc told the room.
They all muttered and left the room. Doc sighed and kept examining me. She raised a brow at me as she pulled the blankets up from the foot of the bed. I sighed and nodded, knowing that a full exam was needed. I'd done it before and I knew that it was important. Especially in a situation like this.
Hissing, I frowned at her. She smiled and nodded at me. Frowning at her questioningly, she leaned over me, "You're gonna be okay." I nodded at her. "You are, Pen. You survived. You're gonna be okay."
"Yeah." I nodded again.
"I'm going to have a series of tests done and when the results come back we'll discuss what our next step is."
"What do you think they'll show?" I frowned at her.
"I don't know." She replied. "You're the first person I've ever seen survive the death serum."
"I'm super special like that." I told her with my eyes on the ceiling. "Is Eric okay?"
"He's a mess." She replied sadly. Meeting her eyes, I felt the tears return. "What did you expect, Pen? The man is completely and almost sickeningly in love with you. You were never supposed to be there. You were never supposed to get hurt."
"I know." I told her. "But I couldn't let Tris do it alone."
"I know that." She nodded. "But you nearly died and Eric…"
"What about Eric?" I frowned.
"He was everything you would have expected him to be."
Sighing, I brought my hand to my head, "He reverted and got himself into a shit ton of trouble."
She smiled and nodded, "You know him well."
"I also know that he's better than that."
"He knows that too."
"I need him." I told her, tears falling.
"I know you do." She said taking my hand. "He'll be here soon. But you need to stay put and I'll come back to check on you."
Nodding, I took a slow deep breath. "Okay."
"Try and be nice to your family." She told me. Scoffing, I shook my head. "I mean it. They've been a mess over all this."
"My family."
"Are here and they love you."
"And I love them."
"Be good." She commanded and left the room.
It took only a few seconds for everyone to pile in again. They all seemed exhausted. Part of me wanted to talk to them. To comfort them and to tell them that I was fine and everything would be okay. But I couldn't. Eric flooded my mind and until he was here with me I knew that I couldn't do anything for them. So I simply stared at the ceiling and impatiently waited for the man I loved.
"How are you feeling?" My mother asked.
"I'm fine." I told her.
"Pen!" Hazel said coming into view.
"I'm fine." I repeated. Everyone was starting to carry on again. "Please." I frowned shaking my head. "I can't handle the tears right now."
Hazel quickly left the room, and I looked to Ainsley that was on the brink of a breakdown. Sighing, she nodded and left as well. I felt bad, but I couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't want to cry yet. Not to the extent that I needed to. I wanted to wait for Eric and to hold him and have him hold me. I needed to comfort Four since I knew that Tris was dead and I couldn't feel her loss. Not yet. I couldn't do it when the people I needed to go through it with weren't here.
Then I heard commotion in the hall and my eyes moved to the door. Eric appeared and I couldn't help but beam at him. He fell to his knees with tears in his eyes. Laughing lightly, I shook my head at him. "You better get your ass up here because I've already been told I'm not allowed to move and they will not be happy if I rip out my IV because you took too long."
In the next second everyone stepped back as Eric flew toward the bed. Opening my arms to him, he slammed so hard against my chest that the air was forced from my lungs. He was practically sitting on me, but I wasn't about to complain. Wrapping my arms around his neck, he sobbed into mine, gripping me so tightly that I could hardly breathe.
"I'm okay." I told him. "Baby, I'm okay." He gripped me tighter, the sobs more intense. "I don't mind crying but this is actually making me a little anxious." He laughed and leaned away from me, kissing me passionately. "Much better."
He laughed again, pressing his forehead against mine, my head in his hands as he attempted to catch his breath. "I love you." He told me before kissing me again.
"I love you." I finally replied after his lips parted from mine. "Eric, I love you so much."
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"I am. I feel fine." I told him. Then the tears were in my eyes. "I feel fine." I repeated as emotion started to take over. "I feel fine." The tears started to stream. "I feel fine."
I wanted to say more, but I couldn't manage the words before I was sobbing into his shoulder, gripping fistfuls of his shirt as I attempted to melt into him. I couldn't get close enough to him. I felt fine while Tris was dead and the weight of all those who were already gone seemed to fall onto me all at once. I'd already cried for them but it was over. We'd won. It was over and yet Tris was dead. No one else was supposed to die.
"It's okay, baby." He told me. "Everything is going to be okay."
"Tris." I managed to get out.
"I know, baby." He told me with a tight throat, his hand moving to the back of my head. "I'm so sorry."
"I'm the one who's sorry." I replied as I tried to calm down. "I shouldn't have let her go in there."
"You couldn't have stopped her." He replied.
"I should have done more." I sobbed.
He shook his head, once again taking mine in his hands, "No, Pen. You did everything you could and it almost cost you your life." He kept shaking his head, fighting his own tears again. "And you're not allowed to die. Not ever. Do you understand me?"
I nodded, "Yes."
"Good." He nodded, pressing a long kiss against my forehead as I hiccupped with emotion. "I was so scared for you, Pen. You can't ever do that to me again. You – and I had to – and after everything –"
"I'm sorry, Eric. I'm so sorry." I told him.
"I know." He replied, both of us coming down.
Wiping the tears from his cheeks, I kissed his forehead, "I am so very sorry. I never meant to go near that lab. But I had to go after Tris."
"I know." He nodded with a smirk. "I knew you had done it for her."
"Otherwise I would have been too selfish to do it."
"I know that too."
"I love you, Eric. I love you so damn much."
"I love you too, Pen. More than anything."
Making room for him, he laid next to me, holding me in his arms. He felt so good against me. I wanted to feel my skin against his. I wanted to be out of this room and somewhere else. I wanted to forget for just a few minutes about everything that had happened. But I would settle for simply being with Eric. He was the center of my world. I knew that others were here but right now all I needed was him.
