Chapter 28 : When the past comes back.
Neal's expression passed from surprise to complete horror.
The only coherent thought he could form in his mind was : She knows. She knows.
And bloody hell, he hated this so much.
"What ? He tried to deny. No, I'm not ! Of course no !
- Yes you are ! You told me your father abandoned you by letting you fall into a portal, and Rumplestiltskin told me he did this to his son, so, it must be you.
- Emma, please, I don't want to talk about it !
- Oh, but you will ! You're the one who told me what happened to you, so now, don't expect to escape this.
- My father is one of the two people I don't want to see again. Look, Emma, I didn't tell you what happened to me because I wanted to talk about my father, I told you this because I wanted you to know the reason why I was having nightmares.
- But don't you think that they would stop if you took time to talk with him about what he did to you ? I talked with him Neal, and I know that he regrets what he did to you, and that he regretted it the second he let you go.
- And then, why didn't he try to search for me ? Why didn't I already see him when I came back to the Enchanted Forest ?
- Because you didn't search for him ! And I'm sure that he didn't try it because he thinks you don't want to see him again, he thinks he doesn't deserve you to forgive him.
- Well, then, he is right, Neal muttered with anger.
- I don't think so."
He had an ironic laugh.
"Well, then, you're wrong Emma.
- Why not ? He changed !
- No, he didn't. I know my father more than you do Emma, and I know he'll never change.
- Oh, really ? You didn't see him since two centuries, and I lived around him for a great part of my life. I know how he is now, while you know him as he used to be. Trust me, he is not anymore the same man he used to be.
- You don't understand Emma ! He yelled at her. My father is the Dark One !"
Surprise appeared in her eyes, before she answered :
"You don't know ?
- What ? What do you mean ?
Emma blinked.
- Your father… he is not the Dark One anymore. He is known now under the name of the Sorcerer, and, seventeen years old ago, he gave up his dark powers, now, he only does white magic. He chose love over power, he is the man you heard of in the tale of Belle and the Sorcerer. Neal, this is him ! This is your father !"
But, before she could tell him he became a hero, her boyfriend said :
"He is ? A great smile appeared on his face, but then, it rapidly faded. And tell me, what does it change exactly ? What does it change about what he did in the past, to me, to the other ? Does it really erase his past crimes ?
- No ! Emma exclaimed. Of course no ! I didn't say that ! Just as the fact that Regina, the former Evil Queen, did change like he did, it will never erase what she did, and it won't erase what he did !"
It was just logical, Neal thought and understood, that Emma didn't understand the reason why he was so angry.
She didn't know what it was, to be abandoned.
She didn't know what it was, to be alone, despaired, what it was to be forced to live on your own, on the streets, almost dying from hunger, always asking to yourself why you were abandoned, as he himself did.
She had no idea of how it felt, to feel all these contradictory feelings, she didn't know what it was, to be torn apart between love, hatred, and also with the strong desire to be found back, to be cherished, to be loved by those who abandoned you.
To still get hope, for a time, that you would be found again, a hope which finally completely faded and which just let him wounded and broken into pieces.
She didn't know what it was, the anger, the hatred, the rage burning in your veins, just getting stronger and stronger as time passed, and as you felt more and more miserable.
No, the princess didn't know what it was, to have no family, to loose everyone, abandonment after abandonment, betrayal after betrayal, and also loss after loss.
Of course, she couldn't understand, and he couldn't blame her for that, he couldn't blame her for having the happy life and family he never really had.
He sighed, realizing that he had been too much rude toward her.
"I'm sorry Emma, he admitted. I perfectly know that, indeed, you didn't mean it. But my father… he scared everyone around me, and except Moraine, no one dared talking to me, when he was the coward of the village, it was the same, but at least, some kids accepted to be my friends, but when he became the Dark One… They stopped. I'm so used to the image of my father as the villain of the story, that I don't think I will ever see him in another way than this one."
The young woman's face, which was sharp at first, then softened, and she smiled to him, taking his face in her hands, before kissing him.
"Then, tell me the reason why you're still angry at him.
- He abandoned me. But it's not the only thing he did… As the Dark One, he indeed saved lives, when he ended the Ogre War. But then… people started rejecting him, and me, because of who he was, and he turned into a monster, because of his dark powers. There was a man who accidentally jostled me, one day, and my father didn't even accept his apologizes, and he turned him into a snail, before crushing him. Our maid, who was mute, she saw us one day talk about the dagger who could control him and kill him, and he killed her."
Emma's eyes were opened wide, as she was just seeing the man she loved being in a true rage, as he was enumerating some of the crimes his father committed, a rage she never saw in him.
"Oh, and by the way, he did something else, something I learned when I was in Neverland. After he abandoned me, he found back my mother, who abandoned me too when I was eight years old. And he killed her too, Baelfire whispered, with tears in his eyes, his hands trembling. He ripped out her heart, and crushed it."
And there was so much anger in the adolescent's voice, that Emma didn't even think about telling the good things his father did later, and they spend the rest of the night together, just sleeping on the bed, doing nothing else.
But it didn't mean the subject was closed.
Because Emma indeed had a plan in her mind.
§§§§
When Emma left the room, Neal was still sleeping, and the princess made sure no one was seeing her, and, some hours later, she made her way to the Light Castle.
She had someone to see.
When she heard a knock on the door of the castle, Belle opened it after some minutes, and frowned when she saw who was just here. Gideon was now sleeping, and Rumplestiltskin left the castle some hours ago, in order to go to Camelot, as he wanted to talk with Merlin, and Belle was herself waiting for Tink's and Regina's arrival.
"Hum… hello. Princess Emma ? What are you doing here ?
- Hello Belle. You can just call me Emma. In fact, I'm here for an important mission.
- Which is ?"
Emma took a deep breath, before saying with a serious air :
"I'm here to talk about your husband's son. I'm here to talk about Baelfire."
Belle's face then became really grave, and she nodded her head, understanding that after three years, it was finally the time for the father and the son to see each other again.
"Alright, I get it. You can enter princess, my husband is not here now, so we will be able to talk together without being disturbed. But before, I have something to cancel."
The two women went in the library, sitting down around a tea, both knowing that the conversation and what would follow then would be extremely long.
Emma immediately attacked the subject, directly and without waiting.
"Since how many times do you know that Baelfire is back ?
- Since the moment where he arrived in the Enchanted Forest. In fact, she added, facing Emma's surprise and shock, we were both frozen in time thanks to magic since the moment where Rumple gave up his dark magic. Then, at Baelfire's return, we would know it immediately.
- But why… why did your husband do nothing ?
- He wanted his son to make the first step, he wanted him to go find him.
- But… it's absurd ! Baelfire only knew his father as the Dark One, the monster, the murderer, the one who preferred power over him, the one who was devoured by darkness ! Why would he want to see him again ? Emma asked.
- I think that, unconsciously, he thought he didn't deserve to be forgiven by his son, because of what he did.
- Maybe it was the truth at this time. But time passed, he changed, and he is not the same man anymore ! And Neal… I know he needs him, even if he denies it completely.
- Yeah, it's true, but us, we are the only one who know it, we do, but they don't, and what can we do against it ? They are so stubborn, I am not sure they are going to listen to us."
Then, a mischievous smile took place on the princess' face.
"Yes, indeed… So, we just have to make them meet without telling them that they are going to see each other… So, they will be forced to talk."
The same kind of smile then came on Belle's lips, and she nodded her head.
"You know what princess ? I completely agree with you."
§§§§
Some days passed, and a suspicious Rumplestiltskin followed his wife to the castle of Snow White and David, not really believing what she told him, knowing it was just a pretext to make him come here, for a reason he didn't know.
"So… the king and the queen told you that they wanted to see me ?
- Yes, they said this, Belle answered, her husband's hand in her hand (Gideon being looked after by Tink and Blue at the same moment), making him follow her and a tender smile came across his face, as he let his wife lead him in the castle. He found it really funny. And adorable too. He didn't know what she wanted, but he didn't mind following her. And by the way, you're really late.
- So what ? Did they really call for me, or is it just a trick you're using to make me do something ?
She laughed.
- Oh no, she lied, that would really not be my type.
- Say the one who made me stop the separation between Dreamy and Nova, he muttered, earning a falsely offended look from his wife.
- You accepted it by yourself, I would signal this to you ! I didn't force you to do anything, just as I am doing right now.
- So, you admit that all of this has nothing to with some appointment with the king and the queen ? He asked her with an amused smile.
She finally nodded her head, admitting the truth.
- Alright, I guess I had been just disrupted.
- So, why am I here ?"
She didn't answer, just going in front of a door that she opened, sending him into a room and she left him in there.
"And you're not leaving it, okay ?
- Alright, he said."
She smiled to him, kissed him, and she told him :
"Good luck."
He didn't understand why she said it and what she meant.
But he waited.
He didn't have to wait a too much long time, and the door opened again, and Emma entered in it. He sent her a curious look, and she began to talk, rapidly.
"I know you're not going to like it soon, but we do this for you, okay ? Just… try to spoil nothing, right ?"
She left, and someone else entered.
Someone who clearly didn't know what the hell was going on, and who, for sure, didn't want to be here.
And, as he saw his son in front of him at the other side of the room, Rumpelstiltskin did the same thing that Neal did when he realized Emma knew who he really was.
He froze.
"Bae ? He asked with shock and surprise."
His son just gave him an ironic smile and a despised look, and the Sorcerer felt like his entire world was falling apart.
"Hello dad, he answered, and the anger in his voice was so easy to perceive that Rumple shivered."
This was going to take so much time…
§§§§
Emma told him the truth, Neal quickly realized.
His father had changed. Well, physically, he meant.
He didn't have anymore this "crocodile" skin he used to have as the Dark One, and Bae perfectly knew it was not thanks to his magic, as his father never did it when his son was still here.
But yet, he did have to make sure it was true and that it was not an illusion.
"So… is it true ? Emma told me that you were not the Dark One anymore, that you gave up your powers…"
Rumplestiltskin just looked at him, not being able to say anything at the time.
Unlike Baelfire, who didn't see him since two centuries, Rumplestiltskin had the possibility to look at his son since his return, at least three or four times, so, you could have thought that he was more than ready to see him again, especially after all this time where they were separated.
Except that he wasn't.
The more he saw his son, the more he realized this one didn't need him, the more he convinced himself that he would not see his son again before a long time.
He had been terribly wrong.
Because now, his son, the one he lost, the he abandoned, the one who died in another version of the story, was here, in front of him, alive, and…
And Rumplestiltskin had nothing to tell him.
Because there was something in his son's eyes, something he didn't see since a long, long time, at least, not directed against him.
It was anger, and the last time Rumplestiltskin saw so much anger against him in someone's eyes, it was in Killian Jones', after he killed Milah (and guilt came back again in him, as he remembered that he would have also to explain to his son not only that his mother abandoned him, but also that he killed her because of this), and it terrified him.
For one second, he was afraid that his son might want to kill him.
And, unlike his father, Baelfire had his anger, as a mask, to protect him from being too moved by this reunion (even if, of course, he was not indifferent to what was happening.
It was his father who was in front of him, that he didn't see since two centuries, and he didn't even know himself what he felt, what he must be feeling about it.)
His father, him, had nothing.
Rumpelstiltskin tried to smile, and nodded.
"Yes Bae. Yes, it's true.
- It's Neal now, his son immediately contradicted him.
- I… I know… I'm just used to use this name… Well… Bae… Neal, he added immediately… What the princess told you about me… It's true. And I know this is not enough for you, because of what I did, but I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't follow you to the Land Without Magic, I'm sorry I abandoned you, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry I chose power over you, my son."
Neal wanted to forgive his father. He really did.
In front of him, there was the man he always wanted his father to be : not especially a hero, but not the monster he used to be, he wanted him to be a good person.
And if he believed what had been told to him, it was what he became.
Except that he couldn't forgive him, not now, that would be too easy.
Not after what he did, not after he fell into the portal, not after he was abandoned, not after what he suffered from because of him.
Because it would be denying all his crimes, and it would be denying his own sufferings, and it was certainly not something Baelfire wanted.
And Neal had a painful and ironic smile.
"You killed her, he whispered with a broken voice. The Sorcerer frowned, not understanding what he meant at first, before his son added. You killed mom. You killed my mother, he told him with an accusal tone."
And Rumpelstiltskin closed his eyes.
Oh… so, he knew ? He already knew ?
He tried not to defend himself, and to deny what was the truth.
"Who told you ?
- It doesn't matter… Hook… Killian Jones, he told me you killed her, while I was in Neverland."
Rumple started. Wait, his son had met the pirate ? Did this one hurt him because of who he was ?
But then, something else hit him, and he paled.
Bae had been in Neverland ? The place he hated more than anything in the world ? The place his father ruled since the day he abandoned him ?
"Neverland ? Did anyone hurt you there ? He asked him with worry.
Neal smirked.
- Oh, don't worry, I was fine. Well, as fine as you can be in a hell like this… And then, he understood. You didn't deny it, he said with astonishment."
His mother's murder was not the only crime his father committed, the numerous deals he made, or the innocent people he killed had also to be taken into account, but the circumstances were different.
For example, the death of the man turned into a snail, or the murder of their mute maid.
These one happened at a time where Rumpelstiltskin was still the Dark One, and where Neal was still with him. And of course, these murders couldn't be excused, but could be understood, as they were made by a man who was just trying to protect his son.
In the sense where Rumple was terribly paranoiac, and killed the man because he thought this one wanted to hurt his son (and that could be understood, as it was something which had been already done before), and he killed the maid because he thought this one could want to control/kill him by using the dagger, or that she would reveal his secret.
But Milah's death… it couldn't be understood this way, it was a murder of cold blood, just for revenge, because she abandoned him, abandoned them, and even if Baelfire was indeed angry at her for this, he didn't accept the fact that his father killed her.
"No, he admitted. Because I indeed did it.
- You told me she had been killed by a pirate, when she left… Why did you never tell me the truth ? Why didn't you tell me that she abandoned me ?
- I didn't want you to know that she left you, that she left us, I didn't want to hurt you. Well, this was what I was telling myself as this time, what I was trying to believe. The truth is, he confessed, I was a coward. I thought she had been kidnapped, I didn't know at that moment that she left us, and… I didn't want to tell you that I had been too much a coward and that I was not able to fight for my wife the pirate who took her.
- He didn't take her. She came with him willingly.
- Yes, I know… That's also the reason why I killed her, he admitted, I couldn't support the fact that she left me. That she made the same thing I did to you later. Again, Neal, I'm sorry."
Neal snorted.
Was it really enough ?
He realized he wanted to do something, to say something which would hurt his father, as this one hurt him by abandoning him.
(It was selfish, yeah, but in this story, he was one of those who suffered the most.
He could have that, no ?)
And he found something.
"Hook told me that him and mom wanted to go back for me, to take me with them… Tell me, would you have preferred this to happen ?
His father's eyes opened wide with true horror.
- What ? No ! Of course no… what do you ask me that ?
Because I want to make you suffer, was the answer the young man could have given to him.
- Because it would have allowed you not to become the Dark One. Except, of course, he added with cruelty, if it was just a pretext to get power, and not to protect me."
It was the first time that Baelfire was in such a bad faith, and he knew it, and even if he really felt bad when he saw the painful look his father gave him, he couldn't help but also feel a certain satisfaction as he realized that he hit him just right where it hurt the most.
This is what I felt and lived with for centuries papa. Now, it's your turn.
He clenched his fists, realizing what he was doing.
Oh, bloody hell, being near his father really brought what was worst in him out.
"I did this for you ! Not for me. Because I didn't want to be weak anymore, I wanted to protect you ! And because the former Dark One manipulated me, because he wanted me to kill him. I never wanted this power Bae, you have to believe me ! Neal, he corrected immediately, I know it now, I was wrong all along, but now, things are different, I don't have the darkness in me anymore !
- Tell me dad, do you have any idea of what it is ? To wake up every night after having a nightmare ? To see almost every night the same scene playing again and again in your head ? To see your father letting you down, and asking yourself again and again the same fucking question ? Why did he abandon me ?
- Yes, I do know what it is ! The Sorcerer answered with anger. I lived it too, you know. My father, he abandoned me, but he did it on purpose, while I made a mistake ! I didn't want to do this Neal !"
What did his son think exactly ? He wasn't the only one in the family who had been broken because of bad fatherhood !
His father was sincere, Neal quickly realized.
But again, it was not enough.
Maybe it would never be.
His father told him how sorry he was, and yes, Neal wanted to forgive him, just as much as he wanted to be able to forgive Hook, or his mother, because he loved his father, but…
He felt like it would not be fair to forgive him now.
Yes, it would be painful, but he didn't want his father to be forgiven so easily.
He had to wait.
So, he left, and his father didn't even try to retain him, knowing it would be totally useless.
When he left the room, he saw Emma, who didn't tell him anything, who didn't judge him, and who just took him into her arms.
Just then, he began to cry, and he allowed himself to have this thought.
I missed you dad…
§§§§
Some days passed, and none of them tried to do anything to fix the situation, and Emma became rapidly fed up with this.
"So, you don't want to talk to him, or to forgive him, and I understand this, but can't the two of you just try to communicate ?
- What do you want from me Emma ? You want me to brush it off, to forget everything he did, to forget everything I suffered from ? No Emma, I won't !
- You're not the only who suffered all these years Neal ! He did too ! He lived during almost two centuries alone, without you, just because of a single mistake ! And he paid it, trust me ! You have no idea of what he had to go through, just as I have no idea of what you had to go through too… He knows what it is, the loneliness, and you don't know how many people he helped ! He changed ! He became an honorable man !
- An honorable man ? Neal repeated, choked. Are you kidding me ? Does an honorable man do what he himself did ? Does an honorable man, as you call him, kill a hero without any valuable reason, as my father did when he killed Beowulf ? No, of course no ! So, please, don't call him this way."
Emma blinked and frowned.
Rumple never told her that, and she didn't remember Belle telling her about this.
This was something she had to make researches about…
So, the princess came back at Belle's house, looking for answers.
And she was certainly not disappointed by those she found…
When Rumpelstiltskin came back at his castle, Emma almost threw at his face a book he knew too much, on which there was written on the cover something : Once Upon A Time.
"You read it ? He asked her.
- Not entirely. Just a part I wanted to know things about. With a gesture, she magically opened the book to the page where the information she had searched for were, and the Sorcerer paled. Baelfire told me that you killed Beowulf, except that the book… gives another version of the story. Baelfire killed him, didn't he ?
- No, he didn't, Rumpelstiltskin lied, even if all the evidences were just under his eyes. I did.
- No, you didn't. You just did what he told you, what he asked you to do, what he ordered you to do. He was a child, and the situation escaped to him… you just tried to protect him from himself… Don't tell me it's not the truth."
He sighed, knowing she was entirely right.
"What do you want me to do princess ? To tell this to my son ? Well, I won't.
- Why not ? It would show him that you're sincere, and that, even in darkness, your only and most important purpose for you always was to protect him.
- Because I don't want him to forgive me because he feels guilty ! This is what will happen if he learns what happened for real. I forbid you to tell him what happened princess."
Emma nodded, and left, ready not to obey to him.
Being Rumplestiltskin's former student, she obviously had a great knowledge in magic, and in potions.
Him, he knew well how to do potions to make someone forget something ?
Well, she was going to do the contrary then !
§§§§
After she gave him the potion, Emma waited for some seconds, waiting for the result to happen, and then, she saw Neal's eyes open wide with surprise, and he let fall on the ground the cup he was still holding.
And then, he realized that, indeed, he had been wrong about a lot of things.
"I don't want you to go to see him right now and immediately forgive him, because he once took a good decision, and decided that to protect your was more important than to see you follow the same road as the one he chose… But, Neal… could you just try to think about it ?"
Still pale, he nodded, and then, he smiled to her, kissing her with love and tenderness.
"Tell me my love… what would I do without you ?
She chuckled.
- Nothing, I'm afraid."
Some other days passed, and Neal showed himself as the Light Castle, and met Belle for the first time.
Rumple gave him a surprised look.
"Bae… He whispered, and this time, Neal didn't contradict him. His son was ready to cry, he could see it.
- I remember, you know… Emma made me remember what you did. What I did. And she was right. It doesn't erase what you did, of course, but… I think we can try together to fix what was destroyed. And I wanted to tell you dad… I missed you."
When his son embraced him in his arms, all Rumplestiltskin could think about was : Oh, gods, we did it !
His two centuries quest was finally over.
When he saw how moved his son was to meet his half-brother, Gideon, he told himself that he indeed, definitely did the good choice the day he gave up his dark powers.
It definitely worth it.
§§§§
Some months passed again, and Emma and Neal both reached their eighteen, and one day, Neal came to see her.
Now, the father and the son were completely able to talk to each other, and even if Bae still didn't forgive him completely, well, he was beginning to do so.
He even allowed him (as well as Belle, Gideon and Emma), to call him Baelfire, when they were alone.
So, yes, things were good.
One day, he asked his lover :
"So, I talked with Belle, my now official step-mother, and she told me that she wanted to travel through the world… And as I know that you love adventures, I wanted to ask you : Emma, would you like to go on an adventures with me, my parents, and my brother ?"
(She said yes, of course.)
When they came back, they were both twenty-one and got married, and, some time later, they discovered that Emma was pregnant.
So, yes, things were good for them.
