Hey people! Sorry its been a while. I've been overly focused on my music. But I managed to salvage some writing I did ages ago and built it up as a chapter. Whether it worked or not, i'll let you decide. Cant promise another update soon as im busy finishing off my EPs but i'll try my best!
I was tired. So fucking tired. I could feel my eyes sting and threaten to close every time I breathed in. I had to keep shaking myself awake. I wanted to stay away from sleep. The memories were always waiting on the other side and I knew I couldn't handle those nightmares along with this real one I was living. Every time I woke up I was wiping blood away from my face. It scared me a lot. Was I that unstable I couldn't even sleep safely? I never told the geek about it. She'd force me to stay behind. She'd force me to be even more out of the loop. She already hid a lot from me out of fear it'd tip me over the edge. Riley was treated the same. We were trapped together in our condition. It should have comforted me. But it didn't.
Polly kept telling me to take a rest, to chill. Like I could do that. The girl I loved was out there somewhere in danger. I wasn't sure whether she was still alive. It shook me to the core. It cut my soul. Now I knew how belle had felt.
We'd searched everywhere. The entire city. Anoushka and Riley had scouts everywhere and still we couldn't find her. Their many connections in neighbouring cities and towns were a dead end too. But I didn't need them to keep coming back after leading a search party all day to know where belle was. There was only one place Alanna would take someone she'd kidnapped.
Lodz.
So we'd driven our way to the boundary line. To another agent safe house, the same one we'd used before during the first mission. Riley had brought a few men with him to guard the woods but I didn't trust we were safe. No freaking way. I had this itch under my skin whenever I thought long enough about where I was. It said danger was here.
I stayed awake night after night guarding the front door myself. Alanna knew I was alive. I was what she thought was the last member of the trio of agents she'd been toying with over the chip. And thanks too coopers big mouth she knew about all my memory problems. I wouldn't put it past her to want to tie up the loose ends. I wouldn't put it past her to want me back under her torture. From the memories I had of her she'd loved every second I'd been tied under her control. And she looked like the sort of girl who wouldn't pass up a chance to feel that way again.
The door opened on my thoughts and my hand shot up to aim. I lowered it when I recognised the man as one of Riley's guard. He looked tired and drawn. His eyes avoided mine as he shook his head. I collapsed back in my chair and felt another slither of hope die inside me again. They still hadn't found her. He walked out again when I didn't say anything. Quickly like he thought I might flip out at him. It was sort of funny in a way. They all feared me and my temper. I didn't blame them. I scared myself.
"So where is she?" I said aloud as I tapped my thigh impatiently. I wasn't saying it curiously. More sarcastically because I knew Polly was listening.
I'd begged and pleaded and even blackmailed her to let me go there and find belle. Literally got on my knees and begged her. We both knew where belle was. We both knew Alana was waiting. Just like we both knew it was a trap. She argued with me for days. Told me belle could easily be nearby someplace. But I could see in her eyes she knew we had to go to alannas door if we wanted answers. And only me and Riley knew where that was. But for some reason she was reluctant. I initially thought it was because she didn't want to save belle. But I knew that wasn't true. They were friends. Polly cared about belle nearly as much as I did. Truth was she didn't want me to go. She didn't want to lose me. Again. Riley's theories about her kept plaguing me while I tried to understand why pol was so protective of me. It confused me to the point of paranoia. Because what if belle had been right all along? What if Polly wasn't eager to help because she liked having belle out of the picture? I didn't know what to do. Just hope Polly helped. And if she didn't, hope I could slip away to do it myself.
Polly ignored me and sat down on a chair in the corner. Hours she spent with her eyes glued to the laptop pretending to work, but I knew she was running surveillance on me. She was babysitting. I left her to it. As long as she wasn't nagging me about something I wasn't going to complain about her presence.
I went back to my thoughts and everything I could remember. I was trying to piece my life back together, hoping vainly it would help me figure it all out. I became frustrated when I drew up empty. It was exhausting me forcing myself to remember. Forcing myself to focus. I kept blinking it back and wincing, letting the fire burn me awake everytime i threatened to fall asleep. I had to stay awake incase something happened.
The geek watched my head drop a little and my gun sway off focus from the door another few times before she got up and snatched it out of my hand.
"Oi!" I yelped leaping up to retrieve it. Polly knocked me back down though.
"Sleep" she ordered sternly throwing a blanket over me. I ripped it off and stood up
"Fuck sleep! Pol I've got to do this"
"Do what? What exactly is it you think you're doing Kelly? Besides tiring yourself out?" I started to argue but she firmly shook her head at me, "Kelly, your condition is already unstable. Do you honestly think that staying awake and exhausting yourself-"
"Quit calling it a condition! Like I'm terminally ill or something!"
"For all we know you fucking could be!" She shouted angrily back at me.
I didn't even blink. Just yanked my gun out of her grip and turned away from her. I was way past caring anymore.
"Everything okay in here?" Andrea asked popping her head through the kitchen door, taylor's appeared over her shoulder. I shook my head to myself. I still didn't know why Polly had invited them along. Then again why wouldn't she. Polly loved having blood on her hands.
I felt a little sick. Why was I thinking that?
The geek was nodding and whispering a few words to the emo while I tried my best not to listen to her tell our friends I was just tired. Like I was a child pulling a tantrum. I heard the door close again. Behind me Polly let out a long deep breath,
"Kel, please just-"
"You don't get to tell me what to do anymore," I said as I sat back down in my chair. My arm braced my ribs as I did but it didn't stop the sharp intake of air I took when the pain shot through my chest. I swore under my breath and Polly took a step forward to help. I shook my head at her. I didn't want her help. Didn't need her help. At all.
I glared down at the floor to save meeting her eyes, "This is all your fault"
I felt bad the second I mumbled it. I hadn't meant to. It was just a snide thought that wouldn't stay down. I hated how much I thought it was true though.
Polly was silent. She didn't shout back like I thought she might. She didn't blame me back. She just took it. I felt terrible. But I still wasn't about to apologise.
"Where's the laptop?" I asked through the quiet that followed.
She unhooked her satchel from her shoulder and put it down on the seat opposite me. She'd been working on it all day. A few more hours and we could ditch it. Not that it mattered much anymore. Alanna had found her new bargaining chip. But it was still a nuisance that required our constant protection.
"Give it here" I told her slowly.
Polly looked reluctant to. Maybe she was quietly questioning my sanity right now. Maybe doubting the laptops safety with me. I stared back and I felt my grip tighten on the gun when she shook her head at me. She made to pick it back up and I watched my hand rise to point the gun at her. I think we were both shocked with that. I ignored the guilt flooding the thoughts inside my head and strengthened my aim so it hovered over her heart, showing I meant it. Polly was looking back at me disappointed.
"Going to shoot me, jones?" She whispered standing straight. It took me a few seconds to realise she was putting herself in my line of fire. Purposefully so I wouldn't miss. My breath caught a little and my hand shook when I realised she would let me do it. And so easily too.
I stood up and leant awkwardly across the table for the satchel. I removed the laptop and tucked it under my arm before I turned to her and smiled.
"Not today, Cole" I said lowering the gun.
Polly didn't smile. Just glanced down at the computer and then walked out into the back room. I let out a heavy breath when the door shut and I sank back into my seat trembling.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
I loaded the gun and cocked it ready before I sat back and tapped my fingers against the top of the laptop. My eyes locked on the door again.
What wasn't wrong with me?
"You know your problem? You're far too stubborn. Why don't you want to play? I know you like the danger"
Alanna's lips brushed the tip of my ear as she continued to whisper into it. I'd been staring into space, amazed I was blindfold free today. They didnt seem to worry I knew their faces now. Something must have changed. I was wondering why.
I shivered disgusted when she kissed my cheek and i leant my head away from her again. I quickly studied her in the dim light. She was much younger than I thought she was going to be. In my head i'd pictured an evil middle-aged bitch. But this woman sitting on my lap was attractive. Annoyingly gorgeous. With black hair and green eyes that sparkled in the light when she smiled. I couldn't make out the rest of her features even though she was really close to me because it was dark. But still, hot or not she was a total psychopath. And I still wanted to kill her.
"Why do you think I like danger?"
I was stalling. If I kept her talking she'd be less inclined to stick another few needles into my arm. I glanced down at the one she'd stabbed into my hand in a vicious whim to hear me cry out. It looked filthy. The metal was stained and fuck knows what was in the plunger. Something that looked suspiciously like piss. I was trying not to move it much. It caused tremendous pain every time I accidentally knocked it. I wanted to rip it out but she'd tied my hands down. Right from the start it was obvious this would be a torture session.
"Because.." Alanna brought me back to focus with her lips on my neck. I felt her hand gently brush my shoulder and I couldn't stop myself cringing inside her touch, "Because you wouldn't be here if you weren't addicted to the thrill of adventure. Admit it, you love defying capture. You live to escape"
I scoffed at her, "Are you trying to Sherlock me again, Alanna?"
Her fingers moved round my neck and she pinched the chain circling it, "You never did tell me whose this was.. I think two months is long enough waiting for an answer"
I tried to hide my surprise. Two months already? It scared me how much time escaped me here. I had no concept of it. It was just measured in torture, tests and interrogations. I thought about belle. I hadn't spoken to her in nearly three months then. She must be worried sick about me.
"What does it matter?" I said bringing my focus back to the bitch sitting on top of me, "Won't get me out of here telling you"
"No, but it will stop my curiosity. You intrigue me so much, Jones. You fascinate me"
"Surely all your testing on me like a fucking lab rat has given you all the answers?" Her fingers squeezed my neck, she was mad all of a sudden and I laughed, "oh no that's right, you don't know anything"
"I know where your friend is" my laughter died instantly and she chuckled darkly at me, "any moment now she will be caught and brought in, and once she has been forced to hand over the chip she will die"
"You won't kill her" I growled angrily. She was bluffing. She hadn't found Polly at all. She couldn't have. Polly was smarter than that.
Alanna's eyes gleamed darkly. Like she'd gotten just the reaction she wanted. She leant back a little before she bent down, so close that she was practically shoving her chest in my face. I tipped my head up away from her and she found that amusing. One of her hands brushed my hair out of my eyes before it cupped the back of my neck, while the other tiptoed down to where the needle was sat in my hand. I tensed in my seat and held my breath waiting.
"You're right. We won't kill her" she whispered gripping the top of the needle in her hand. I bit my lip when it stung. Alanna kissed my cheek and brushed her mouth up to laugh in my ear, "because you're going to kill her for me"
I would have questioned her. Would have laughed in her face. Would have told her there was no way in hell I'd ever do that. But I never got a chance. Alanna grabbed the needle and pushed it further into my hand until I was pretty sure it'd gone straight through it completely. I screamed with the agony of it and tried to pull my hand away from the pain by reflex, accidentally helping her tear more flesh. I felt myself squirm in my seat trying to evade the hurt but I couldn't. Her weight pinned me down so i couldnt throw her off. She twisted the needle around and laughed at my loudening screams before she stamped her palm down on it, forcing it to impale my hand into the leather armrest of the seat it rested on.
I felt tears burn my eyes. Felt my breaths come up harsh and fast. My vision kept blurring and I honestly wanted to throw up. I vaguely registered her freeing my other hand and leave another kiss on my cheek before I heard her walk out.
I stared down at my hand as the door slammed shut. At the blood dripping onto the floor by my feet. It looked really bad. I couldn't help but ask myself why she left me half free. Was she expecting me to attack? Free myself maybe? I stared at the dirty needle and swallowed.
She wanted to watch me hurt myself.
Slowly I raised my trembling right hand and gripped the top of the needle plunger, sobbing a little when it hurt. I had to pull it out.
I started slow until the pain had me seeing white and I started to sweat. I felt really hot all of a sudden. All I could hear where my loud breaths mixing with my loud heartbeat. Had some of that liquid entered my bloodstream? Maybe it had and I was sick. Maybe it's been poison and now I was dying.
I pulled myself into thinking straight and struggled to think up a way out of it. I felt so drained. I just wanted to pass out.
Maybe one quick pull?
I eyed the leather armrest and shook my head. The needle had gone straight through it meaning I was pinned here. If I yanked it only my hand would move. I didn't want to tear it more for fear I'd fuck it completely. It already looked like I'd torn through some nerves. The hot pain told me as much. I'd need to go slow and careful. Work it out of the damn chair first.
I gritted my teeth and held my breath. I knew what to do. I twisted in my seat so my knee was level with the needle and readied my arm. I took to the count of three before I kicked up and pulled at the same time.
"Ah fuck!" I cried out with the new wave of pain.
The needle had stabbed down into my leg, straight down to the bone. I'd pulled on the plunger at the same time so the shock of metal hitting my thigh bone forced the needle up. It left my leg and the leather armrest, leaving it free in my hand. I panted deeply and wiped the sweat out of my eyes. Christ that hurt like a fuckîng bitch! Taking a crowbar to the face hurt less!
I eyed the needle and felt angry as I yanked it the rest of the way out of my body and threw it away from me. Probably I should have kept it as a weapon. Or at the very least I should have checked the shit that was inside it. Polly would have. She'd be chewing my ear off for throwing it like i had. But then Polly wasn't here. I was alone with the pain.
I looked at my bleeding hand and clutched it to my chest. I stared murderously at the locked door ahead of me. Somehow I knew Alanna was on the other side watching me with a sick amused smile. I'd kill her.
"Kelly?"
Somebody shook me and I lurched upright, panting heavy when it hurt. I looked up and met two sets of worried eyes staring back at me. I groaned to myself. Now what?
"You a'righ', Kel?" Taylor asked nudging Andrea forward. I shrugged and frowned at the emo as she held a glass out to me.
"And what have you done to that?" I asked her taking it in my hand and setting it quickly on the table. I didnt trust it was water. Not one bit. The emo rolled her eyes. Taylor sniggered.
"I ain't don't nothing to it, Kelly" she sighed
"Uh huh.."
"Kel, it's fine," Taylor told me smiling, "Ain't like third year"
I just looked blankly back at her. I had no idea what she was talking about at all. The two exchanged a little look before they both took a seat at the table with me. I immediately inched back and reached for my gun and the laptop. I looked back confused when I realised both were missing.
"Where's the laptop?" I asked looking at them before looking around the room, "and my gun?"
Andrea gave me a slight smile, "Polly thought it was best-"
"Why doesn't that surprise me" I mumbled darkly. Taylor chuckled and nudged her boot against mine under the table
"Don't be mean, Kel. Polly's just doing her job"
I raised an eyebrow, "Babysitting me is her job?"
Andrea nodded, "Always has been" she grinned. I rolled my eyes at them.
"Look Kel, Polly thought it might be good if we had a chat. The three of us. You, me and Tay"
I narrowed my eyed at her and pursed my lips, "Why?"
"Maybe t' kick star' tha' daft head of yours" Taylor replied grinning smugly. I kicked her.
"I don't have time for chatting" I stood up to go but they both reached over and yanked me down. Taylor leant back in her seat when I'd slumped back in mine and she started to check her nails. Andrea just smiled at me when I frowned back at her.
"You can't force me to talk to you" I told them, eyes on Andrea's smile. Why did it look like I was going to regret waking up?
Taylor laughed and when I looked back at her I noticed the very sharp looking switchblade in her hand. She pointed it at me and grinned.
"Wasn't a request, spy girl"
I sat back and sighed, " I know you two are into your torture games but really? Your friends too?"
They both shrugged, "You like pointing guns at your mates, we thought we'd come prepared"
I looked away and let out a slow silent breath. I hated how bad I felt about that.
"Hey," I turned back to Andrea, "We understand, kel"
I shook my head. Nobody understood.
"What did you want to say?" I asked relenting my patience to them. The pair grinned and leant forward.
"Polly wants us to jog your memory" Andrea started with a sneaky twinkle in her eyes. Taylor nodded
"Bu' we though' you migh' like to talk 'bou' some'in else"
I had no idea what they were getting at. Their smiles said something bad and troublesome. If I thought on it I could remember a few bad things from before that had been heralded with those smiles. Taylor was staring at me, waiting for me to take the hint. Andrea rolled her eyes when I didn't.
"We thought you might like to talk about Annabelle..." My heart shuddered with her name and I squeezed my fist to stop the hurt getting to me.
"Yeah.." Taylor continued for her, watching my reaction curiously, "An' how you plan on gettin' us in to ge' her back"
My eyes widened. My jaw dropped a little. Were they honestly suggesting an AWOL?
"You mean you-"
"Are sick of waiting for her to walk through the door?" Andrea asked with a nod, "oh yeah"
I frowned some more, "But polly-"
"Wha' the geek don't know, won't give her a heart attack, innit"
I stared at the both of them and then I grinned. I didn't trust them much but if they were willing to help me get to belle without Polly knowing?
"You two are just.. I mean.." I spluttered a moment longer before I leant over the table and hugged them both,
"Thank you" I mumbled squeezing them. They both hugged me back and it had me smiling. It felt so familiar.
"No problem" Taylor laughed holding me tight so i yelped a little. They both chuckled at my response.
"What's not a problem?"
I felt the two girls tense up while my eyes moved up and tacked pollys. She eyed us hugging and raised an eyebrow at me for an answer. I stood up and walked over to her. I looked down at her shirt before I looked up at her eyes. She stared steadily back. She was still as mad as I was.
"None of your business," I said pulling my hand down to her shirt so I could pull it up and untuck my gun from her belt. I switched the safety off and tapped it against her shoulder threateningly, "Take my gun again and next time I won't stop the shot"
The girls were all stunned by what I said. Polly looked disappointed again. I shoved past her and walked outside into the snow. I needed it to cool me down. I felt so hot. Like my skin were bathing in flames. I stripped my sweater off and threw it aside so I stood still with the snow melting on my skin. Still wasn't cold enough.
"Feel the fire?"
I jumped and spun around. Riley was leant against the house watching me steadily. He looked upset.
"Christ, don't do that" I told him as I bent down to retrieve my sweater. He ignored me and walked his way over to me. His eyes reached mine as he stroked the back of his hand against my shoulder. I rolled it away from him with a wince.
"You skin is cold" he muttered taking my hand in his. His fingers gently pressed down on mine
"What're you doing?" I asked wincing even more. He ignored me and moved his fingers up to the bandage around my bicep.
"You feel it there?" I shook my head and he smiled, "funny how the real wounds leave no room for the imaginary ones"
I stared at him, "How do you cope with all this?" I asked waving around us. Riley shrugged back at me
"My wife. It's all about distractions Kelly"
"There must be something-" He shook his head
"We've tried everything. If there is a way to reverse this then only Alanna knows"
I glared down at the snow. We'd never get our answers then. Riley put a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me when I glanced back at him
"Which is why you must try your best not to kill her straight away when you leave with the other girls"
"I'm not-"
"I was not born yesterday Kelly. I know when women are plotting. I will keep Polly here for you. Give you head start. I know she won't let you leave alone. She cares a lot for you"
"Not this again. She's my-"
"Yes. She's your friend. But what are you to her?" I couldn't answer. I honestly didn't know anymore. Riley smiled and turned to go.
"When you feel hot think about a memory you know. Focus on it. The fire isn't real but the moments you see are"
"Forgetting to remember.." I mumbled. He nodded.
"Goodnight, Kelly"
Riley walked inside, leaving me to think about what he'd said. I looked up at the sky, at the stars. I thought about what belle had said about them in my memory. They were beautiful. She'd been right. I scratched my arm and tugged my sweater on. I felt an angry glare for the forest that seemed to be laughing back at me. I felt my fingers twitch towards my gun before I looked back up at the sky.
"I'll find you belle. I promise I'll find you"
I took a deep breath then and turned back to the house. Taylor and Andrea were waiting for me when I got inside.
"This could be dangerous" I told them.
"Love a bi' of danger" Taylor grinned
"You could get hurt" I warned. Andrea waved me off
"Nothing new"
"You might have to kill people"
"Definitely nothing new" Taylor's dead smile made me shiver a little.
"And you might die" I finished rolling my eyes at them when they both shrugged uncaring. They both looked determined to help. I knew nothing I'd say would make them change their minds. I smiled a little at them though. It was reminding me a little of school.
"Does this feel like a other hockey match to you two too?" I asked setting my gun on the table. They took a second to think about it and then they laughed
"A little" Andrea giggled. Taylor nodded and picked up my gun. She cocked it and aimed it at the other side of the room.
"Well if were lucky Thwaits migh' be a prisoner too an' we can 'ave the pleasure of watchin' her cry for 'elp"
I chuckled with them as I sat down and took my gun back. It was highly unlikely but even I had to admit it'd be funny too see.
"Right then girls," I leant forward and braced my hands on the table. I met their eyes with a slight smirk, "what's the plan?"
They exchanged a brief look and grinned evilly back at me. The tingling in my skin itched a little more and I just knew what they had up their sleeves was about to put satan to shame.
