And I return once more to bring another chapter! Seeing as Ikana is my favourite part of the game you should expect it to last significantly longer than the previous locations. My goal was to have the story completed by new year but I'm not sure if I can meet that deadline right now. It definitely won't take as long as Ocarina of Time though, I can assure you that.

Also, part two of the Demon's Souls October event starts today! Woo hoo!

Published October 19, 2010

The Quest for Milk

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you especially..."

Gyorg's raving screams were ignored as the group stood around Goht (with King Dodongo half-heartedly pinning the shrunken fish), assessing her injuries. "So what do we do about the gaping hole?" Tatl wondered aloud.

"We could just steal the parts from the current timeline's Goht," Link suggested. Everyone went quiet, staring at him with horrified expressions. "What?"

"You want us to kill something and tear out its organs?" Odolwa overdramatically questioned. "I am shocked."

"This is a new low for you," King Dodongo said, shaking his head disapprovingly.

"Huh?"

"Even I am not so cruel!" Ganondorf gasped, acting completely over-the-top and obviously being sarcastic.

"Wait, you've all got it wrong!" Link defended.

"Oh really?" Odolwa got right in his face. "Then what exactly were you inferring?"

"In... huh?"

"He doesn't know the word, game over," Gohma grunted. "Can we move on? I have a civilization to play false idol to and I want to get back to that as quickly as possible."

"Ah yes, we forgot that you were Great Cthulu," King Dodongo growled.

Gohma glared at the goliath. "For the record, it is Allacalulu and you're just jealous of my accomplishments."

"False god to shrubbery. I envy you so badly right now."

"ENOUGH TALK!" Gyorg roared. "I'm tired of listening to you argue and completely ignore me!"

"Well you don't exactly pose a threat anymore," Tatl hesitantly told him. "I mean, you're so small." Gyorg shot off of the ground, almost snatching her out of the air. "Hey! No need to get jumpy."

"Ba-dum CHA." Gyorg glared at Odolwa.

Link tore off the mask on Gyorg's face, leaving his completely identical face revealed. "You've seized Gyorg's remains!" Odolwa declared. "You have just freed the innocent spirit that this dark mask had kept imprisoned within the body of evil Gyorg!"

"Oh he wasn't so innocent."

A blue portal appeared on the platform. "See?" Tatl gestured toward the portal. "That means that we've won."

"NO! I've done so much! I wrecked the fucking ocean, that's more than any of you traitorous assholes did! You poisoned a swamp, she made it snowy and Twinmold brought some dead people back to life. It's the world's water supply, and I ruined it, ME!"

Link scooped Gyorg into a bottle, corking it.

"IS FUCKIN TINNY IH HER!"

-Through the portal-

Once again, only Link, Tatl, Ganondorf, Koume and Kotake stood on the pedestal in the giant's realm. "Greetings once more," Ganondorf yelled as they arrived.

"Hey, can you tell us why only we come here?" Tatl asked the giant. It began to roar, and she translated. "Dark... beasts... can... not... enter... this... pure... room... Dark beasts cannot enter this pure room?"

"But they're not dark," Link said. "They're all so nice!"

"Yup. They're such a charming bunch... Now, big guys! We want you to lend us your power. Everything's going to hell out there and we need guardians like you guys to save the world! Surely you can stop this madness! Tael said to look for you after all! I mean, I know he's a bit behind mentally but he has his flashes of brilliance every so often... Okay, he's a complete idiot but this has all been right so far. I mean, you guys aren't harbingers of death after all, right?"

"Fairy," Ganondorf interrupted. "That's probably enough."

The giant continued roaring. "Help... our... friend... I get it. We have to help the last one before they do anything."

"What's so great about the last one?" Ganondorf asked. "Can't three of you do anything? Your arms are as wide as my old room. Can't you just punch out the Skull Kid?"

"Your room was larger than that," Koume said.

"I can't even stand up in it anymore!"

"We didn't think you'd be over eight feet tall when we gave you that room," Kotake argued. "Isn't that right, Koume?"

"Yes it is, Kotake."

-Zora Cape-

The five of them returned to the Great Bay, ending up where they had first met the turtle. Before them was the rest of the group, all tightly packed on the rocky edge.

"Now I can continue resting in peace," the turtle said. "I too must abide the laws of ancient times and again merely watch from my deep slumber."

"That kinda sucks," Odolwa said. "Aren't there any other giant turtles that you can hang out with?"

"I'm afraid not."

"There are really big sea snakes," Link added.

Tatl sighed at this. "Which we killed."

"Oh yeah..."

-Inside-

"Mikau, there you are," Evan said to Zora Link as he and Tatl entered the hall. "Lulu got her voice back, you did great."

"Aw, well... Yeah, I did."

"She wants to talk to you. Everyone's on the stage, I think we're going to have another rehearsal. You'll probably love getting to play again after so long."

"Oh, about that," Tatl quickly interjected. "He... hurt both of his hands so he probably won't be able to play."

Evan shrugged, unfazed. "You can just use your feet again, right Mikau?"

They hesitantly travelled to the stage, approaching Lulu and the rest of the band. "Mikau! You came back safely!" Lulu exclaimed.

"Of course! The good guy always finishes the job in perfect condition!"

"Yeah, because you're always at the top of your game," Tatl muttered to herself.

"That's good..." Lulu paused, seemingly lost in thought. "I was surprised when my voice turned that lonely island into a turtle. But that song you played for me... My mother used to sing it often. Those eggs were laid to remind me of that. That song was from when I was a very young child, so I had forgotten it."

"HURRY UP IN THERE!" Ganondorf screamed from outside. "The moon is ominously close!"

"Yeah, enough chit chat, get to the main course," Tatl said.

"Fucking fairies and their superiority complexes," Lulu murmured.

"Oh fuck you."

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"It's so great to see Lulu back to normal," another Zora said, wiping a tear out of his eye.

"I missed her blatant hate of other races too."

"WAIT!" Link suddenly screamed, his face filled with horror. "I forgot to go back for the awesome milk!"

From outside Morpha yelled, "Dammit! I knew I was forgetting something!"

"Seeing the group dynamics back is wonderful," Evan said, smiling. "This calls for an orgy!"

"Woo-hoo!" a Zora cheered. "I love orgies!"

"Yay!" Lulu joyfully exclaimed, forgetting about Tatl. "Let's go!" All of the Zoras began to march off for another room, talking about their love of orgies. Tatl pulled Link back.

"Tatl, what's an orgy?"

She gained a contemplative look for a moment. "It's group sex."

"Oh. What's that?"

"I don't think you'll ever find out."

"I could ask them." He pointed at the ecstatic fish people.

"Yeah, I think it's time to go."

"But I want to go to the orgy," Link whined, barely putting up a fight against the fairy's grip.

"Outside. Now."

Tatl pulled the pouting Link back outside, joining everyone else. The ground shook for a moment though Ganondorf seemed to be the only one who was paying attention to it. "Did I hear-"

"No," Tatl said, cutting Odolwa off. "Now let's never speak of this again."

The shaking came back, stronger than ever before. "I think we have an issue," Ganondorf said, pointing to the east. Everyone looked only to see the moon surrounded by a wave of fire as it crashed into the ground. The giant chunk of rock created a violent explosion, obliterating the region and everything around it. They silently stared at the destruction in the distance.

"Song of Time?" Link asked aloud.

"Song of Time," Tatl confirmed.

Ganondorf loudly cleared his throat, gaining their attention. "I believe that I was to gain the ocarina after the three days had passed. From what I can tell by the rising sun and the apocalyptic explosion, three days have gone by." He held out his hand. "So pass it here."

"Disestablishmentarianism?"

"Nice try." Link quickly played the Song of Time, barely avoiding the shockwave of fire that the moon had sent out.

-Dawn of the First Day, South Clock Town-

"I hate you." Ganondorf kicked Link into a random stall, breaking both it and his bones.

"So shall we go to the east now?" Tatl asked the monsters, ignoring the standard panic that they caused by being there.

"Milk," Link groaned from the shattered stall. "Must... milk."

"I agree!" Morpha shouted. "We have the power to control the flow of time and must abuse it at every chance we get! The first step to abuse is to fulfil our every whim, so let us acquire milk. Morpha has spoken!"

"Exactly!" Gohma grabbed a random civilian and ate him in one bite. "Now will this have any consequences ever again? No, I didn't think so."

"How did you do that with no mouth?" Odolwa questioned. "Speaking of which, how do you speak?"

"Figure it out yourself."

Tatl decided that it was time to stop them from going nuts again. "I understand what you're saying, but it just wouldn't be right to- HEY! Big Greenie! Stop trying to rob Greenie Junior!" Ganondorf was holding Link by the ankle, searching his body for the ocarina.

The desert king scowled. "The three days went by. The instrument of ultimate power is mine now and you know it."

"Put the idiot down," Gohma growled, flexing her pincers at him. "And don't drop him on his head. We don't need him to become any worse." Ganondorf let go, dropping him head first into the wood.

"Diabekubawuba," Link slurred out, his intense agony overpowering his urge to speak.

From his limp body rolled a corked bottle. The cork popped off and Gyorg squeezed out, gasping for air. "You're... all... mad," he gasped, breathing in as much oxygen as he could.

King Dodongo stared down at Gyorg for a moment. "Aren't you a fish?" he asked.

Everyone looked at the dragon, left speechless by his question. "No, I'm a fucking giraffe. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU?"

"Wait, no!" King Dodongo finally realized how intensely stupid his question sounded. "I was just wondering how you're breathing above water."

"Magic."

From there the group split up. Odolwa, Ganondorf, Koume, Kotake, Gohma, King Dodongo, and Bongo Bongo dragged Gyorg and Goht up to Snowhead to get her fixed while the rest of them went on their quest for milk.

"I, the great BARINADE, am curious of this milk that you speak of," Barinade announced as he followed Link down Milk Road. "I do not believe that I have ever had such a substance before.

"It's incredible," Link said. "You've never lived until you've had milk."

"Milk is the drink of the gods," Morpha continued. "That is why it is so fitting that I drink it. After all, who else has enough power to claim the title of God of All Water?"

"Really guys," Tatl sighed, "it's just milk."

"Just milk?" Morpha gasped, offended by her audacity. "There is no such thing as just milk! All milk is as incredible as myself."

"So all milk is a feeble blue ball that can't do anything without the help of a giant tentacled thing with a hammer?"

"I, BARINADE, WAS JUST MENTIONED!" Barinade roared.

"I am not feeble!" Morpha snapped, trying as hard as he could to ignore Barinade. This was difficult when said tentacle monster was carrying him.

"Of course you aren't, are you?" Tatl began to scratch him like a dog. "Who's a good ball? You're a good ball." Morpha detonated the Bomb Mask.

They continued down Milk Road though on the way they came across two men who looked like twins. One was wearing blue overalls and the other wore yellow. "Heya there," the brother in blue said. "Won'tcha buy some fresh milk?"

"I like milk." Link handed him a few rupees and filled one of his bottles with watery milk.

"Now this is just between you and me... That milk they produce down yonder at Romani Ranch is watered down a bit. It ain't worth drinkin'. We don't do that kinda thing down here. Ours is the real deal."

"But it tasted great before," Link gasped.

He shrugged. "I guess you've never tasted any real milk."

They continued down Milk Road, watching Barinade as he somehow downed the bottle. "Well?"

Barinade tossed the bottle back to Link. "It wasn't really that great. Kinda watery actually. BARINADE IS DISAPPOINTED!"

-Snowhead Temple-

Bongo Bongo was currently pulling apart the Goht from the current cycle, trying to find the parts they needed. Odolwa was sitting against a wall with Gyorg at his side. The fish was sitting upright on the ground, holding himself up with his fins. "I have a question," the fish said. "Why are you pulling me around?"

"It seems to just happen," Odolwa answered. "You get beaten, end up following everyone else around for a bit and eventually up being friends with everyone. Right guys?"

"I hate you all," Gohma grunted.

Ganondorf's brow furrowed as he delved into his memories. "I don't think I've experienced any form of happiness since this all started."

"I doubt that I'll end up going through that," Gyorg said. "Now kill me or I'll tear off your hand."

Odolwa laughed, scratching the fish just above his horn. "You're so silly." Gyorg jerked around, tearing Odolwa's hand off at the wrist. He smiled contently as the jungle warrior screamed and swore.

"I think I've got it done," Bongo Bongo said as he attached the last wire. Goht's eyes flickered back to life and she stood up.

"I feel odd. What happened?"

"The fishy stabbed you," Odolwa said, patting Gyorg on the head.

"Didn't I just bite that hand off?"

"You turned off and we had to get you a new cooling unit," Odolwa continued. "So we just tore one out of that you and now everything is fine. Isn't that right little fishy?" Gyorg sprung up and stabbed Odolwa just below the collarbone with his significantly long horn.

"Interesting," Goht said. As Odolwa suffering was just as common as Link suffering they could ignore it by now. "Are you sure that everything was placed properly?"

"Not sure," Bongo Bongo answered. "I was kinda winging it."

-Termina Field-

Having made the deal to help protect the cows, Link was killing time by looking around the field. He was sprinting across the ground on Epona's back, shooting at random Chuchus and pulling arrows from the grass when needed. He continued this until long after sundown.

"Link, I think you've unnecessarily ended enough life," Tatl yawned, getting tired of the senseless death. "Aren't you tired of that yet?"

"Nah, this is pretty fun," he said. "Hey, what's that?" An eeno from northern Termina field threw a snowball at him, knocking the boy off of his horse. Epona trotted off, either unaware or uncaring of her rider's absence. "No! Come back!" He ran after her.

"I, BARINADE, grow weary of this." Barinade wandered off with Morpha in tow. Tatl chose to follow Link in case he got eaten by a random Dodongo. She wasn't sure what she'd do if it happened but it would be nice to know.

Tatl rounded the corner of a wall, not spotting Link at all. "Link?" A faint tune reached her ears, raising the levels of confusion. "What the hell is that?" Tatl followed the song and eventually saw Link standing on top of one of the giant stone mushrooms beside a pale, dancing man with a beer belly wearing only a tight blue speedo. The song seemed to be originating from him.

She floated over to Link, looking at the dancing man. "Uh, hi."

"I am no longer part of the living," the man said. "My sadness to the moon... I haven't left my dance to the world... I am filled with regret."

The fairy blinked. She leaned closer to Link, whispering, "Who the hell is this guy and why are we still here?"

"He just appeared out of mid air," Link whispered in response. "He said some weird things and I don't know what to do."

"Translation: I am disappointed, oh moon. I have died!" the man said, simplifying his previous statement.

"I got that," Tatl said, slowly floating away.

"Oh, I planned to bring the world together and stir it into a giant melting pot with my dance!" he ruefully proclaimed, never stopping his dance. "If only I had taught my new dance to another before my end had come..."

Link snapped to attention. "Tatl! I have an idea!"

At this point Tatl was at least two metres away. "Oh really? What's that?"

"Whenever I play the Song of Healing near a ghost they become a mask. I could do that to this guy!"

She raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "That happened once. And what would this mask do, let you dance?"

"A short dance can inspire those who inspiration has left away from the light," the man pointed out.

"I... Just play the song and get rid of him."

Link played the Song of Healing, watching him dance with interest afterwards. "Spread my dance across the world. Train its followers. Translation: I have taught it to you, now make it into a popular dance craze!"

"Will do!" Link said, giving him a two finger salute.

"I am counting on you. Translation: I am counting on you." He vanished in an explosion of blinding blue fire leaving only air and a mask in his place. Link hesitantly grabbed the mask, hoping that he wouldn't burst into flame.

"You got Kamaro's Mask! Use it to teach his dance to the world so his moves can become as popular as he had hoped they would be." Odolwa stepped out of the non-existing shadows of their area with the rest of them following behind him.

Link looked down at the mask. "So I can explode in blue fire too?"

Odolwa chortled loudly at this. "No, but you can dance! Dance!"

Tatl and Ganondorf began to slowly clap in tandem. "What a devastatingly awesome power," the Gerudo king stated emotionlessly.

Link began to stroke his chin, looking at the mask. "Dance, eh?" He went into West Clock Town and taught the Rosa Sisters how to dance. He received another heart piece as a prize. "I get the feeling that I must do something with these," he said as he looked at his two heart pieces. "But what?"

"Didn't you have something to do?" Gohma grunted, pulling him out of his thoughts. "You know, saving cows and helping farmers and whatnot?" Link stared at her, his face blank.

"Milk," Tatl added.

"Oh yeah... Oh crap!"

So he went and fought off them again. With his army of monsters this was extremely easy to do as they seemed hesitant to even go near the barn. "Hell yeah bitches, you know you that you don't want to mess with us!" King Dodongo roared as they disappeared. "Just remember that you can drown your sorrows at Dodongo's Tavern!"

"You did great grasshopper," Romani praised, shooting down the last one of them. "So did everyone else. I think everyone deserves some nice milk."

"Yay!" Link and Morpha cheered.

-Night of the Second Day, Romani Ranch-

"Special milk?" Link excitedly said, giving Romani a look of pure happiness.

"Ah. That. Well you see, it turns out my sister has to bring basically all of the special milk into town to sell at the Milk Bar," Romani explained, watching Link's good mood instantly deflate.

Ganondorf blinked. "Milk Bar? The only thing that should have Bar in the name is something that sells hard liquor."

"This is just between you and me," Romani continued, "but if you go with her you might be able to mooch some with some sweet talk."

Link didn't even hesitate, he just ran right up to Cremia's wagon. "Hiiii, can I go with you?"

-Milk Road-

"Has my sister said anything to you about 'ghosts'?" Cremia asked her passengers. "She's always training with her bow, saying that she plans to fight off ghosts."

"They're aliens!" Morpha snapped. He had insisted on coming with Link. "I'm not crazy!"

"All right, all right." Cremia didn't seem to want to continue that conversation. "Say, what are the townsfolk saying about that moon? It's so much bigger than before. It's getting ridiculous actually."

"There aren't many townsfolk left," Tatl explained. "Ninety percent of the population has evacuated and the chief of guards is trying to get everyone else out."

"So it's going to fall..."

"Yup!" Morpha confirmed. "And a fiery wave of destruction and carnage will follow." Cremia didn't respond to that.

Soon after the conversation ended, Milk Road was cut off by a giant steel fence. "What the..." Cremia looked to the right down the only open path, her annoyance evident. "Do you have a bow?"

"Yup!" Link plucked his bow.

"Well get it ready. You might need to shoot some annoying jag-offs in a minute."

The water bosses always end up so fun to write but they are definitely hard to think of transportation methods for.