A/N: It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and a new chapter.
hma1010: Thank you for being the one person to actually give me an answer as to how you would like the story to go on being published. I will see how the writing goes, and maybe from time to time publish a chapter, like I am doing now;), but then post the biggest part of it at once over a couple of weeks as you too thought it might be the better read that way. Thanks again for responding. It means a lot to me that someone did. That you did. Yeah, you were the only review for the whole chapter, which hurts because it makes me doubt so many choices I made for the chapter. I don't take it personal, as in people don't like me or anything, but it makes me feel like I did something wrong in my writing, and I had been so excited about that chapter, so that made it worse. I am telling you so you know how much your review actually meant to me. Thank you again!
Guest (reviewing for chapter 25): Thank you for such detailed feedback. I had not realized at all I had misspelled cigarette otherwise I would have corrected it for sure, so thank you for pointing it out. I am not a native speaker of English, so I might make mistakes sometimes that seem really dumb of me, I apologize for that. The remarks about the past tense were interesting for me, I had no idea those expressions were out of place in that way, so that was actually great to learn. And of course I am excited to know that you overall enjoy my writing very much, odd mistakes and all. :)
anonymous (reviewing for chapter 19): As you can see I am still going, if not all too strong at the moment, exam times in my academic life take their toll on writing, regrettably. I hope you have completely caught up with the story by now, and I am looking forward to many more reviews from you.
Getting Away
28: Unquiet Low Tide
Blaine does not run at night anymore, but he starts going on runs with Finn, several times a week, and, a while later, … on long walks, alone.
Kurt is a terrified mess the first time Blaine announces he needs those solitary walks still, needs to "… try this, for myself, for my life to gain … stablility?" and walks out the front door twenty-nine minutes later. He leaves Kurt in Burt's care, having talked it through with Burt the day before.
A couple of days after the puppies have entered their lives and Carole has seen Blaine spending time with Aneira, Airi and Kurt smiling more than she has ever seen him smile before, she takes two shopping bags out of her storage cupboard upstairs.
It takes her until after dinner, standing in the kitchen cleaning the dishes together with Blaine, to find the courage to actually bring it up.
As she takes the last cleaned dish from Blaine's hands and dries it, she says, "Blaine, would you get Kurt, I think he is in the living room with Finn and his dad. I have something for the both of you."
"Okay," Blaine answers, and as Carole looks over she finds him biting his lower lip and frowning a little before he turns and walks out of the kitchen.
Carole puts away the last dish then walks out into the hall where she had placed the bags before dinner. When she comes back into the kitchen, one green shopping bag in each hand, Blaine and Kurt are already there, standing by the kitchen table Kurt holding Blaine's right hand reassuring in both of his.
Carole wastes no time, handing a bag to each boy, "So, when Burt and I were in Columbus we did get more than just art supplies for you. I didn't want to crush you with everything at once, so, yeah, um, I picked up some of the books from the list the doctor gave us, because I thought you might like reading them together?" Carole is looking at the floor, her hands clasped tightly, when she finishes, unsure, still, if this is not too much, if she has a right to just go and ….
Blaine's arms coming around her are a surprise, one of the best kind. "Thank you, Carole."
"It is really okay? I mean I didn't want to assume. But I want to help as much as I can …."
Blaine squeezes her tighter, "It's so much more than okay. Thank you, really."
Carole finally hugs back, "You don't know how happy I am to hear you say this."
And then they start reading. And it means new tears, waterfalls of them … for all sorts of reasons.
"That's it, Kurt. How does a complete stranger get it so well? Get me like this!"
"What a pretentious dick. How can anyone think that is what someone is feeling in such a moment?"
"Kurt, … Kurt, I want it to stop hurting."
"Urgh, this is utter crap,this guy has no idea about anything."
"Wow, this … Kurt, that's it, that's why I always did … THAT."
Reading alone though they quickly find out is not enough for either of them, not even with the other there to talk to, and Carole, who is reading every single book with them, so they can come talk to her if they need to.
So one day Kurt tells Blaine about an idea that he hopes will be helpful – an idea that will in the end indeed turn out to have changed the whole of Blaine's life. For the better?
It is after Blaine wakes up slightly shaky in Kurt's arms one morning that Kurt dares to bring it up, "Blaine?"
"Mmh?" Blaine is still sleepy, and cuddling close to Kurt, maybe it is that, that has Kurt a little braver than on all the days before that he has felt the urge but not dared to bring up … "Blaine, your mom, I think we should go looking for her."
Kurt can feel Blaine shrink in his arms, curling up on himself, only then does he get to hear the small, timid, "What? Why?"
"Baby," Kurt says pulling Blaine closer to his bare chest, and Blaine allows himself to disappear in that intense warmth of skin on skin, melt into it for a moment. "You are still having nightmares."
"I do," Blaine confirms, fingers of Blaine's left hand on Kurt's chest now tracing small, intricate shapes, to distract Kurt, or to comfort himself, Kurt does not know, although he suspects the latter, knowing how much drawing is a reflex to Blaine, whenever his mind is pushed and Blaine scared everything inside him might unhinge again.
"You told me you don't know what happened to her, and … and I think … you need to know, I think you feel like you need to know. The question is," Kurt pauses to place a kiss of comfort into Blaine's curls as he can feel the pressure of Blaine's fingers swirling on his chest increasing, knowing it means Blaine is getting more and more upset, "Do you want to …try and find out now. Or do you want to wait?"
Kurt's question is met with only silence.
"We can wait," Kurt adds quietly when the silence holds out. "I am sorry I brought it up."
"No," he hears Blaine breath out weakly, "No, don't be sorry, please. I know you are only trying to help me. It's all you have ever done."
"I just thought, Baby, that … with those nightmares, … I will hold you forever if it keeps them at bay, … I just wish you, I wish you wouldn't have to have them anymore at all."
There is another silence, then Blaine's hand stills on Kurt's chest completely, and Kurt can feel Blaine letting out a stuttering, deep breath in his arms. "I … what if they become worse once I know what really happened? What if … if it makes me not want to be anymore at all, again?"
Kurt is the one lying there mouth agape now, breath painfully held in, he is not prepared for this nor the more that is sure to come with the utterance of that one little word, changing everything, '…again.' Kurt's insides twist hard at the thought.
"I … I have tried before, Kurt," Blaine chokes out, no tears or sob accompanying the dry, harsh sound.
Kurt thinks Blaine wants to tell him where those deep cuts on his wrists come from. The ones he had felt such a long seeming time ago, one night, for the first time.
Kurt is so wrong.
"I took … I took pills, handfuls. But I was stupid enough to down them with almost a whole bottle of vodka, so I threw it all back up before anything could happen."
"Blaine."
"I know, stupid," Blaine whispers, misinterpreting Kurt's broken tone.
Kurt tenderly cups both of Blaine's cheeks in his hands and waits for Blaine to meet his eyes, when he, several deep breaths later does, "… not stupid, gosh, Blaine, you weren't being stupid. You were hurting. I'm just so … I'm so sorry we didn't find each other earlier."
Blaine scurries up the bed until he is face to face with Kurt, kisses him urgently then buries his face in the crook of Kurt's neck, his whole body winding around Kurt's, Kurt hugging back as hard as he can, crying now.
"You are here now," Blaine says insistently, and Kurt nods wildly as tears keep hitting Blaine's bare back. "You are here now and …, and I'm here, and it's okay. It's okay. It's okay."
And Kurt knows Blaine is no longer talking to him, is talking to himself now as he keeps repeating these three words.
"It's okay," Kurt takes over for him as Blaine's throat closes up and Blaine a moment later releases all those unshed tears, held in for what feels much longer than those moments since they started talking today, held in for what have been years combined building up to a time spanning over a decade.
Somehow they fall back to sleep.
When Kurt wakes up again … he is alone under the sheets.
