Chapter Twenty Nine-Cyrano de Snape

Disclaimer-Most of these characters belong to JK Rowling, I'm just borrowing…

It was two of the longest days of Severus Snape's life. It was so obvious to him now that Narcissa liked Porvoi and not Malfoy. He spotted Lucius trying to talk to her and she blew him off each time.

One interesting thing he did discover was how shallow and heartless Porvoi really was. He was hiding in the loo one day when he heard a conversation between Porvoi and his mate, a guy named Blake and it was a weird conversation.

Apparently he did like Narcissa, a lot. He was planning on asking her out on Valentine's Day and he was getting her a blue jewelry box, covered in gems, with a pearl bracelet inside…what woman would turn that down? He was planning on playing Quidditch professionally and then retiring to his family's vineyard in Bordeaux. He said he thought her legs would be open before he even put the bracelet on, and judging from what Severus had heard from Lupin, that was probably true.

The two boys were making fun, talking about what kind of blow jobs she probably gave, if she swallowed or spat, and how good of a lay she'd be. Porvoi said he'd get her to swallow and fuck him on the first date, and if she was any good in bed, he'd maybe consider dating her. He was sort of promised to a French witch back home, but he thought Narcissa would make a good mistress.

All that bad talking of Narcissa was beginning to make Severus angry and he didn't even know her! He said he knew that she was in love with him and it was all in the bag, all he had to do was ask. He also fancied her friend, Fanny and was hoping for a threesome. T'his pervert is only sixteen!' Severus thought to himself. He had the feeling if he told Lucius what he heard, Lucius may actually kill the boy, and end up in Azkaban and then he'd be of no help to Severus, so that just would not do.

On the third day of his week of spying, he got the parchment from Camilla. He skipped over it to read Narcissa's answers only, not caring about the ones she, Phoebe and Fanny gave.

Question one, what's your favorite color, blue but she also liked silver. Question two, what's your favorite flower, hydrangeas. Question three, what are you allergic too, carnations. Question four…oh this is such bull shit! He skipped over and deduced that Narcissa liked horses, wanted to visit Oslo for some reason, spoke French, her favorite food was baked chicken and she hated green beans. She liked poetry, loved Muggle fine art, her favorite being Van Gogh, her favorite gem was black pearls, she hated yellow gold, she wanted an emerald engagement ring, she wanted to be Mrs. Porvoi, fuck that, and she was a virgin! Her favorite sweet was chocolate covered cherries and she loved chocolate fondue, 'what the fuck is fondue?'

She got her first period when she was fourteen, eww, never masturbated, yeah right, wore a c-cup, wanted to be an artist when she grew up AND Mrs.Porvoi, had a cherry wand with dragon heart string, loved the beach, hated physical activities like hiking, hated riding a broom because she was afraid of heights, would never date a Muggle man, wanted to name a daughter Cassiopeia and a son Draco, and detested cats.

She also said the things that grossed her out more than anything were acne, farting, vomiting and drunkenness. The things she liked best in people was intelligence, confidence, sense of humor, well Malfoy is confident and intelligent, cant win them all, proper background and family, and someone who'd love her for her and not her looks. She wanted to date a man who would love her forever and not be a brash show off…interesting…she's crushing on the wrong Lucius for certain.

Is this the kind of crap girls really talk about? He was sort of interested in reading the other girls responses but had no time, he had to do something and fast.

It was Thursday and Valentine's Day was on Monday. He knew that Lucius would head out to Hogsmeade on Saturday and get her a gift, now he knew what to get her. He found Lucius in the library and started to work his cupid-magic.

"Okay Lucius, I was spyin' on your bird and I found out some interesting stuff."

"Spying? Bird? Whatever are you talking about?"

"Don't be coy Lucius, you know what I mean, now what are you buying her for Valentine's Day?"

"Oh I don't know, an amulet perhaps…something with diamonds."

"You can't be serious," he said in utter shock. He's no better than Porvoi.

"Women like diamonds, the bigger the better, what do you know, you're eleven!"

"I'm twelve and everyone knows girls like diamonds…everyone. Do you think yours will be the only present she receives?"

Lucius raised a single eye brow and started to look concerned.

"Think of something more original, maybe more personal. Do you know anything about her?"

"Yes, I was seated near her at a Quidditch game and she may have mentioned something to her friend about liking Norse Mythology and wanting to visit Oslo some day."

"There you go! Do something with that."

"What? Kidnap her and take her to Norway?"

"No, get her a gift that will reflect that in some way, I got it!" he said snapping his fingers. He went to his bag and gathered his notebook and a pencil. He began to scribble and Lucius was trying to see what he was doing.

"You draw?"

"Yeah sort of…"

"What are you drawing?" he interrupted.

"Your gift, you need to have this made, I think there is a place in Hogsmeade that will do this, mum told me about it once."

"What is it?"

"A snow globe," he said holding up the drawing. This was no ordinary snow globe, but a very ornate one. The base was to be powder blue and silver. The silver took the form of Nordic-Knots and would spell out her first name. The "I" would be dotted with a single black pearl. The globe was large and would have magical blue and silver glitter-snow that would fall in random intervals. Inside would be a Norse long-boat with a single Viking warrior on the deck, horned hat and all. The warrior resembled Lucius some.

"You drew this in a matter of seconds?"

"That's not important, see what I did here, you heard her say she liked this crap. I over heard her say she liked blue and silver and loved black pearls, oh and hydrangeas, she likes those…so get her some."

"You say I can have this made?"

"Yeah, in Hogsmeade, there's a place, just bring that picture and tell him the colors, he's good, me mum went to school with him, he makes all sorts of things."

Lucius looked shocked and amazed. Severus just hoped this worked. Now he had Lucius Malfoy set, it was time to set-up Lucius Porvoi!

--

Severus and Camilla worked each night in the Common Room trying to perfect her Charm. She blew up about fifty flower pots until she finally managed to expand one. During that time he was trying to figure out how to get Porvoi to fail miserably in his wooing of Narcissa. The only thing he could think of was to write a note to Porvoi, and have him think it was from Fanny. He penned the note and then placed the note in the pocket of Porvoi's robes which were left on the sofa while he was bragging to his friends about his prowess in Quidditch. All he had to do now was hope that Porvoi believed the note and believed it was from Fanny.

Dear Lucius,

Look, I know you have a crush on Narcissa and don't tell her I told you, but she has one on you too. Please get her something for Valentine's Day so she can stop talking about you all the time. She loves carnations, her favorite color is red, and she loves loud, show-offy type stunts. Also she really wants you to take her on a broom ride; she really wants to ride with you, if you know what I mean. I'd sort of like to "ride" with you also; maybe sometime the three of us can all 'get' together? I know I'd like that and I'm pretty sure she would as well.
Fanny

"Oi guys, read this!" he said to his mates in the Common Room. What a fool, he actually fell for it. Now Severus just had to hope he took Fanny's advice and didn't actually talk to her before then either.

On Saturday, Lucius Malfoy went to Hogsmeade with Severus's drawing and got the perfect snow globe for Narcissa. Severus had spent the day resting mostly, as he was tired from writing two equally good but totally different herbology essays, tutored Camilla every night on her Charm, followed and collected data on Narcissa and Porvoi, and tried to keep up with his other classes as well. He was summoned to Lucius's private room at eight thirty that night.

"Well, here it is," Lucius said, gently handing Severus the snow globe. Severus had to admit the globe looked even better in real life. It was heavy and large but not too large. The colors were exactly as he imagined them, and the magical glitter snow fell ever so perfectly. The Viking Warrior did greatly resemble Lucius Malfoy down to the long silky strands of sandy blond hair. Severus smiled with pride at his creation. He felt like for the first time in his life, he did something really good and important. Now if he could just get rid of Porvoi.

Severus was well rested but a nervous wreck on Sunday. He had been examining various dark texts all weekend, trying to find the perfect spells to cast on Porvoi. He needed something that would totally humiliate him and destroy any chances he had with Narcissa Black. He could not rely on the information from the planted letter alone. If she liked him enough, she may overlook the shitty carnations and broom ride. The hard part was going to be casting the spells without getting caught.

On Monday, he was still a wreck. The first person he saw was Lily in potions class. To his shock and surprise she handed him a pink card.

"Happy Valentine's Day Sev," she said as he opened the card. It was a "To my best friend" card with hearts all over it. She signed it, "your best mate, Lily". With everything he was doing the week leading up to Valentine's Day, he never stopped to think about his own Valentine's Day and getting something for Lily. He simply thanked her for the card and hoped she did not get angry that she got nothing in return.

He relied on her to work on the potion pretty much that day as his mind was elsewhere. He hoped that Porvoi would wait until lunch time to present his gift to Narcissa, otherwise he'd never be able to hex him.

Lunch time finally arrived and Severus was running for the court yard. He happened to be behind Porvoi who was also heading straight for the court yard. It was a lovely winter day, fresh snow on the ground and clear blue skies. The rays of the sun were reflecting off the untouched snow, making the grounds appear to sparkle.

He hid behind a stone pillar and waited. Porvoi was there with his mates but Narcissa was no where to be found. Severus was about to give up and head back when he finally spotted Narcissa with Fanny, heading straight for Porvoi. Since no one was watching him, he covertly climbed up into a tree far enough away to not be seen, but close enough to still perform the hex.

He found the perfect hex in one of his oldest and darkest books. It was a non-verbal hex, and invisible as well. It would be perfect, if it worked. The only way he'd know was in Porvoi's reaction.

First he saw Porvoi present red carnations to Narcissa, who looked not too happy. Then he shouted so all could hear that he fancied her, and wanted to take her on a ride on his broom.

"Tis the fastest and best broom in the world after all, but first let me give you your present!" he yelled, handing her a jewelry box.

"Yellow gold diamond ring…gee…thanks," she replied, trying to be polite but obviously not too happy.

"Now my love, I'll take you on my broom!"

"No, really, that's okay…"

"No I insist!" he said grabbing her and placing her on his broom. Within seconds he was in the air flying around the castle, the screams of Narcissa Black heard by all. After five minutes he touched back down and the pale white and totally stiff looking Narcissa Black was back on the ground, where she belonged.

If he was going to seal the deal, Severus had to strike fast. He aimed his wand and cast the invisible hex, or at least he hoped he did, and he hoped he hit Porvoi and no one else. By this time half of the school had come to see the show that was going on in the courtyard, including and most importantly, one very concerned looking Lucius Malfoy.

Severus began to doubt his hex worked since nothing was happening, but before he lost all hope, the first signs of the hex appeared and they appeared on the intended target.

First Porvoi began to sweat profusely, followed by some belches and very audible farts. Narcissa was making a face and starting to walk off but the embarrassed yet determined Porvoi followed her, to her obvious dismay.

"No, really, I don't know what is wrong with me, please don't go Narcissa…" he pleaded as she tried to walk away. He ran after her and blocked her from leaving. "Let me explain…" he said before suddenly and violently vomiting all over Narcissa.

"Yes!" Severus squealed, his pubescent voice clearly audible to the onlookers who now spotted him up in the tree.

Narcissa screamed like she was being murdered and ran off crying hysterically. Lucius Malfoy ran after her. Severus could not have asked for a better outcome.

Severus got down from the tree and went inside the castle, hoping Porvoi never spotted him.

Once he got inside he heard people laughing, and saw one very perplexed looking Lucius Malfoy standing outside of the girl's bathroom.

"Severus, what were you doing in that tree?"

"Nothing, hey I'd wait maybe to give her your present later, when she's uh, not so busy…I'm running late for Transfiguration, bye," he said hurrying off.

By the time dinner rolled around, news of what Porvoi did had spread across the entire school. He heard people say he was hexed but even Madam Pomfrey could not figure out what hex it was. Narcissa changed her robes and looked disgusted the rest of the day. She did not come down for dinner, and neither did her friends. Lucius Malfoy was at dinner and looked most eager to talk to Severus.

"Excuse me Mr. Snape, a word please?" he politely said as if he was interrupting something. Severus was nearly done with dinner and as usual, his roommates were not talking to him much. "Walk with me."

"Yes Lucius," he said following the much taller prefect out of the Great Hall.

"What were you doing in that tree?"

"What do you think I was doing?"

"I think you placed some kind of hex on him, but why?"

"I thought he may be competition for you, and besides, he is a prick."

"You said she liked me, not him, so why would he be competition?"

Shit.

"Um, I over heard him in the loo, he said he liked her and was going to get her something spectacular for Valentine's Day so, easier to just remove him from the equation I thought."

"I see, but if she likes me…"

"I don't like the guy, he's a prat so I wanted to hex him, so about her present, when are you going to give it to her?"

"She seems pretty upset; rightly so, tell me what you think I should do?"

He really wants my advice?

"Well, she may be pretty angry if another boy, even one she likes, tries to get her presents, maybe you can give them to her friend to give on your behalf? I'll listen in to see what she says."

"I think so, I think that sounds…good. Very well, have that friend of hers, Fanny come to my room at seven please and I'll give her the globe and magic quill."

"Magic quill?"

"Yes I thought about it and decided to purchase one, it's a two way quill, so she and I can write together…"

"Oh yeah, I've heard of those, that's a really good idea Lucius."

"Yes, so here's what I require of you, I want you there, 'unseen' when she receives my present and look for her reaction. Then I want you to come to my room and tell me what she said, right away!"

"Okay, well I'll tell Fanny to come see you in fifteen minutes then. Let me go now," he said hurrying off towards the dungeons.

Severus sat in his Common Room, waiting for the time to pass to he could set forth with Lucius's plan. Camilla appeared out of no where and handed him, to his shock and horror, a Valentine's card.

"It's more of a thank you, for helping me. Um, Severus, please tell me that friend of yours who liked Narcissa is not that Lucius Porvoi."

Severus could not help but laugh, "NO! It's someone else, um thanks for the card," he said not even opening it, his eyes fixated on Narcissa who sat near the fire crying.

Camilla started to say something else but he walked away to get closer to Narcissa. He crept over to a little nook near the fire place, hoping he was not seen by her.

"I can't believe he threw up on me! And why did he make me go on his broom?"

"I don't know Cissy, I didn't think he'd be so loud either," Fanny said, patting her friend's back.

"And why did he get me a diamond, on a yellow band? It's so tacky!" Narcissa said, with tears rolling down her eyes. "Such a disappointment! Men are crap."

SHIT!

"Yeah, the nerve, ruined your Valentine's he did!"

"I hate men, I'll hate Valentines Day 'till the end of time!" Narcissa exclaimed for all to hear.

"Um, Fanny? Lucius Malfoy is looking for you," Severus interrupted.

"What? What does that wanker want?"

"Like I know, he just said to go to his room, right now, he wants to talk to you."

"That arse has never wanted to talk to me before," Fanny said.

"Um, again, like I care, just go."

"Shut up you little scum, I don't take orders from you!"

"You shut up, stuck up priss, do I need to tell him you are not coming then?" Severus nearly shouted, crossing his arms at his chest.

"No, I'll be right back Cissy," she said rising and shooting a look of utter repugnance at Severus. After she left, he vanished back into his little corner where no one would see him.

A few minutes later Fanny returned with an elaborately wrapped present, and a rolled piece of parchment.

"Here Cissy, these are for you, from…him."

"Malfoy?"

"Yeah, too chicken shit to give them to you himself it seems, what a weirdo."

SHIT!

"God, what does he want with me?" Narcissa asked, opening the present. She removed the pale blue wrapping and silver bow slowly, and then opened the box. She looked shocked as she withdrew the snow globe and held it up close to the fire. "Oh my," she whispered, examining the globe.

"What the?" Fanny asked, looking at the globe as if she didn't like it. "Is that Viking him?" she asked, giggling.

"Oh my, indeed it is! He's so full of himself!" Narcissa joked, joining in the laughter. "Oh still though, it's really clever, look a black pearl!"

"What is he stalking you? How did he know you liked this stuff?"

"Who knows, but it sure is pretty," she said, opening the second package. "Oh a magic quill, guess I should write him to thank him."

"I guess, he's such a tosser though, he's so stuck up!"

"No more than Porvoi though," she said, beginning to tear up again. Severus took that is his cue to join Lucius in his room.

"Okay, she liked the present," he announced just walking in, not bothering to knock.

"Did she? What did she say?"

"She said it was lovely and thoughtful and she is so glad you finally got the nerve to approach her," he lied.

"Did she now?"

"Yeah, I think she's gonna write you to thank you, make sure you ask her how she's feeling, since the events of today and all."

"Oh look, here she is, Lucius thank you so much for the lovely snow globe, I particularly like the Viking Warrior," she wrote and only Severus knew she was actually teasing him.

"Narcissa you…"

"Wait, no, what are you going to say?" Severus asked before Lucius could finish writing.

"I was going to say you are most welcome my darling, I do hope you find the Warrior most intriguing…"

"Oh for fuck sakes Lucius, she's a bird not the Queen of England, why so formal? Don't say that, you sound so…so…"

"So?"

"Stuck up!"

Lucius appeared to take offense. "You think I sound stuck up?"

"You do sound stuck up, I don't think she likes that too much. That Porvoi bloke was acting all stuck up today before he threw up on her you know…"

"Well then Mr. Snape, what should I say?"

"How about, you are welcome, I hope you like it, I had it designed just for you. Are you okay after what happened today?"

"Hmm…very well, you are welcome, I do hope you like it, as I had it made just for you. I'm so sorry about what happened to you today, are you all right?"

They waited a few moments for a response.

"I'll live. You had this made for me? How did you know I fancied Norse Mythology?"

"I over heard you mention it during our last Quidditch game…"

"Tell her you like it too," Severus interrupted.

"But I don't."

"Just tell her!"

"And I am quite fond of their mythology as well…I hope you are happy!"

"This ain't about me Lucius, it's about her. Now tell her you want to ask her to dinner, next Saturday."

"We can't just leave, we're not of age and next week is not a Hogsmeade weekend.."

"Just tell her, I got it under control….go on!" Severus instructed as Lucius quickly penned his response.

"If you would do me the honor of dinner, next Saturday…Where?"

"In the Room of Requirement."

"Where?" Lucius asked, getting angry.

"Stop wasting time, just tell her."

"In the Room of Requirement, I will take you there…is it private?"

"YES!! Oh my God Lucius, next Saturday, six in the evening, you'll escort her there."

"I'll come get you at six in the evening," Lucius penned.

"Where are you taking me?" she penned back with such elegant hand writing, Lucius stopped and simply admired it for a few seconds.

"It's a secret room, I'll show you tonight okay?" Severus said, trying to get him to snap out of it and write her back.

"It's a secret room; don't worry, next Saturday then?"

"Okay Lucius, I'll see you then."

"I should hope to see you before then, enjoy your present, good night."

"Good night, and thank you."

"You are very welcome; I hope this brightened up your day some."

"It did, good night."

Lucius put the quill down and smiled with relief at Severus.

"Now then, Mr. Snape, show me this room."