Losing Myself
"Wait, don't go!" I cry out, running after my family. They walk away, I run, and somehow, I still can't reach them. It's like I'm running in slow motion, and they keep getting farther away. I call out, reaching for them. They don't turn, or show any sign that any of them can hear me. Tears spill down my face as I push to go faster. I can't keep up, Don't leave me behind!
"Wait, please! I'm coming!" I sob, I can't reach them. I even try to teleport to them, but every time I try that my family is even farther away. Soon, they all disappear, beyond my sight. I keep running, but I've lost them. There's no getting to where they were. My family's gone, and I'm all alone. I stop running, everything is coming and going; in focus, out of focus. My vision blurs and then everything goes dark.
When I can see again, I'm standing in Cid's house, in the living room. My family's bloody corpses lie around me and I scream. From behind me, I hear Sora's voice: "You're a monster!"
I turn and my little brother is a corpse, screaming "Monster" at me. I cover my face, I don't want to see this anymore. I cover my face and close my eyes, but I still see the corpses, all the blood. To get the vision out, I claw my own eyes out of their sockets.
I scream as I wake up and Sora yells in surprise, "Vanitas?!"
I cover my face, sobbing. I hear his voice again, and it's softer this time, "Vanitas? Are you okay?"
I continue to sob as I shake my head, Sora moves my hands from my face and his face carries the expression of worry. I hug him tight, unable to stop my tears. Sora holds onto me and he says nothing as I cry against him. A knock sounds on our door, and before either of us can say "come in" Dad rushes in with Mom right behind him. I let go of my brother and wipe my face.
Dad's eyes soften, "Are you okay?"
I shake my head slowly, still crying despite my best efforts to stop. Mom and Dad stand beside me and Mom runs her hand through my hair, "What has you so upset?"
I tell them about both of the nightmares I had and my parents and brother just stare at me for a few minutes. I can't meet any of their eyes. I stare at the blanket I have clamped in my grip. My body still shakes, and slow, silent tears stream down my face. Dad sighs, running a hand through his hair, "It was just a nightmare, Vanitas. You have nothing to worry about."
Even as he said it, I can hear the uncertainty in his voice. They know this can't be just a nightmare, not with both dreams being so similar. It's a symbolic way for my subconscious to torture me before I go completely crazy. I shake my head, looking up at him, "It's not just a dream. I can feel it. I just hope.. It's not a glimpse of what's to come.."
I look away again, I don't want to see what shines in their eyes; what they truly feel about this situation I find myself stuck in. Sora hugs me and I look at him. He hugs me tight and looks me in the eye, "You're not a monster, Vanitas. I'd never call you that."
I look away, "What if that changes? What if the way you see me changes? We all know I could easily become a monster. I almost did when this began."
"You're not a monster. And we already told you, we won't let this overwhelm you this time." Sora replies.
"Sora's right," Mom says, "We'll keep you safe, Vanitas."
"We'll do everything we can to keep you safe." Dad adds.
I close my eyes, "That's what I'm afraid of."
I stare out the open window. The setting sun sets the sky a brilliantly sad burning aspect to the evening. The wind blows, moving my hair around. I close my eyes, letting the wind blow past my face, drying new tears. I sit there for awhile, just listening to the wind blow. I open my eyes to the darkening sky and I sigh, "How much longer will it take? I can feel it creeping up.." I put a hand to my throat, "I can feel it starting to take my body from me. I'm starting to go numb.."
I shudder, another tear sliding down my face, "How much longer will I still be me?"
I wake from another nightmare, only this time, I don't make a sound, I don't make a move besides opening my eyes. I stare up at the ceiling. I can feel something's wrong with me. I want to get up, to call for comfort, but my body won't listen. It doesn't budge. It's like I'm seeing everything through a filter. I feel a prickle in the back of my head and I know I'm not alone here, inside myself. I feel myself grin, but I didn't make the action. The more I fight to get control of myself, the farther down I'm pushed. So, this is it, isn't it?
The monster inside me has finally taken me. I'm not myself, The one in control just wears my face. Will I eventually disappear all together? I'm scared of what's going to happen to my family now that I'm no longer in control of myself. Will my nightmares become reality? Will I kill everything that made me who I once was? What's going to happen to me now? I sit up and Sora turns to me, opening sleepy eyes, "Vanitas..? Another dream? You okay?"
I can feel the impulse to drain him of life. NO! I fight with all the strength I can find in myself to get back to control. I gasp, my body is mine, but for how long? I can feel the monster pulling against me, trying to throw me back down into the depths of my subconscious where it will lock me away. I hold fast, groaning at the feeling of being burned alive as the monster pulls at me inside. Sora sits up, looking confused and worry, "Vanitas?"
I groan, tears falling down my face, and they burn me, "Sora.. Kill me.. Please.."
