Chapter 28
Thea stared into the mirror of the brightly lit bathroom and wondered when she had aged so much. She looked at least ten years older than she had the day she met Bucky. Maybe even more. Her skin was pale and pasty. The shadows under her eyes were deep. She was puffy about the face and along her neck. It was a bit horrifying to think how obviously the strain of her life with Bucky had taken a toll on her body, really. The Wakandan princess had sworn to her that the RA had been halted permanently by whatever magic/vibranium-science random, hand-waving sort of medical treatment that they had done. There ought to only be the residual damage from the past ravages of the disease. Yet…Thea knew her health still wasn't right. Everything was off. Perhaps it had been off for a while, but she'd had so many other things happen since the Wakandan 'cure' that she couldn't be sure. She'd had the baby. She'd been dragged off and tortured. She'd been sat for days in a Geneva hospital worrying if the next nurse/doctor/aide/food service person coming into Bucky's room was a HYDRA goon. She'd repeatedly travelled with Mary-Claire and all four of their attorneys to the specially outfitted prison cells where Steve and Bucky were being held as they awaited formal charges. She'd endured the phalanx of photographers and journalists as she entered and exited the court where the Article 5 hearing for her husband had been held. She'd dutifully recited the scripted words she was meant to parrot at no less than five press conferences. All of it, everyday stuff, she was sure. No reason to feel stressed or a bit run down, was there?
Perhaps Tommy was right. Maybe she was now psychologically conditioned to accept her standard of life with Bucky as not just acceptable but desirable. The extremes of it all had (somewhere along the way that she could not quite identify) become ok. The extraordinary highs and terrifying lows were just how things had to be. Or something like that.
Before the day that he had burst into her flat and literally taken control of her life, Thea would have said she was the sort of girl who liked a traditional gentleman. One who could share in her passion for the arts or who knew how to order a perfect dinner in a truly good restaurant. The sort of man who wore the correct tie. A gentleman who—just for kicks and giggles—actually drove nearish to the speed limit. A man who spoke multiple languages like she did, yes, but perhaps not one who was most comfortable cursing in extremely crass Russian. Perhaps even the sort of chap who thought that a bookshelf was essentially meant for books, not as a lovely display case for his favourite 50-cal sniper rifle. Maybe, in fact, a man who didn't have the sort of nightmares that left him crying and begging to be allowed to embrace death. Yes, certainly she'd hoped for a man who was fairly confident in his memories of the past or his ability not to murder people with a shockingly powerful metal arm.
Thank goodness she hadn't married that unnamed, vaguely described, almost certainly painfully boring gentleman, then.
She heard the movement behind her and turned around with an exhausted smile. "Was I taking too long?"
"Nah. I was just worried that you were sick. You haven't been feeling well lately, baby."
"That noticeable, is it?"
"To me, yes." Bucky kissed the back of her neck in the way that always made her knees buckle slightly and, with his mouth just barely above her skin, spoke so she could feel the vibrations of his voice travel up and down her spine. "So, what do you think, krasotka?"
"I think you're doing that on purpose, that's what I think." She turned around and gave him a half-hearted glare. But his self-satisfied smirk was enough to make her shove him playfully and add, "And no. Not interested."
"Bella."
She laughed. "No, no, not at all, nothing doing, thank you for offering, but absolutely not."
Despite her teasing tone, she could still see Bucky's excitement drop off precipitously. Therefore, she immediately wrapped her arms around him and said rather seriously, "Yasha, sarcasm is an Englishwoman's bread-and-butter, really. You must know that by now, silly. Of course, I want to have the evening all alone just with you. I should have thought that was astoundingly obvious by the way I cried piteously when Steve suggested it."
"I-I don't feel confident enough to be sure, Bella."
Thea sighed. "Sometimes I wonder what I must do to make you feel sure of me, Yasha. I think that I've rather sufficiently proven my devotion to you, quite honestly."
"Yeah, I know. You have been incredible. So much more than I deserve. It is my problem, not anything due to you, krasotka. I just…I just know I'm not worthy of you, Bella. I can't ever be good enough, so it's hard to feel self-assured about us."
"Right. Yes, that makes perfect sense, Yasha. You shouldn't trust that I've definitely made my decision by now. I definitely wasn't offered a dozen opportunities to testify against you in exchange for a lifetime of protection and a ticket home for me and the children. They didn't attempt to bribe me with a rather substantial fortune to lie about you. They didn't threaten over and over to take away my children if I stayed with you. I haven't actually just agreed to never go back home to England once you are repatriated, so, basically, I am under threat of not being allowed to re-enter the country if I went back for a family wedding or something. You see, don't you, that means I cannot EVER go back to my family's home, Yasha. Ever."
Thea had accentuated each point by jabbing her finger into his chest with increasing ferocity. She took a moment to catch her breath, as she was starting to hyperventilate. The look on Bucky's face was one of frightened shock, which only served to upset her further. He didn't understand and she HAD to make him finally get it.
Accordingly, she threw her arm out to steady herself as she rather hysterically continued, "I didn't spend all these weeks tirelessly repeating exactly what Natalia and Mary-Claire told me to say whenever a reporter asked me something, did I? Or have to publicly and continually pour out all my feelings for you over and over and over. I enjoyed testifying to the universe that yes, I did fall in love with the man who kidnapped me—you phrased that so nicely, General Hernandez. And yes, Counsellor Vanderwijk, I did run off with a former HYDRA assassin and have two children with him, why do you ask? And, oh I do appreciate the reminder, 'honourable' Judge Prydz, about the time that my children and I were kidnapped and tortured because someone hates my husband. And yes, Senior Investigator Neumann, you horrible, evil hag, I know how bad everything looks because you have carefully crafted your questions to make it appear like I'm a crazed, delusional Winter Soldier groupie. But it isn't that way at all. It isn't. Our marriage is wonderful and everything I will ever want, but no one cares. Nothing I said about you matters to them. They don't care about the kind, generous man you really are, the agony you feel about everything they used your body to do, the struggles you have all the time to overcome the effects of decades of torture and captivity, and oh golly, the precious way you love our babies, and…and the utter sweetness of the way you love me. No, instead, I just look sad and pathetic to the whole world and they still think you're a monster. I'm such a private person, Yasha, that speaking all any of this to anyone but you or my brothers has been like being flayed alive."
As she had madly ranted at him, Bucky had almost seemed to go into a state of disassociation. However, at her last comment, Bucky's head snapped up and he rapidly stepped back until his back hit the bathroom wall. He was staring at her with such horror that Thea felt a rush of fury that he apparently hadn't considered before now what she had been going through. For him, for the babies, for their family. "Oh yes, did you imagine that I have just floated through a lovely dream holiday here in nice, friendly 'the Hague'—a city I now hate like the fires of Santorini? It's been ever such a lovely stay here. You can see why I would choose this, since it has been so easy. Right? Or…or, Yasha, you might consider that despite it all, I am quite consciously choosing you and a life with you because any other outcome is utterly, horrendously unacceptable. You are worthy, Yasha, since I say you are. You love me. You love our children. This is what I choose."
Bucky shook his head slowly, his mouth gaping as he tried to find the words to reply. She waited there for some time, but, finally, turned and started to leave the room.
"Wait. Wait. Bella. Wait. I don't have anything to say to all that. I can't fix it. I can't…I can't make anything better for you. F***, your life has been h*ll and I knew that, but holy f***ing s***, I had no idea you were suffering that much. Bella. Please."
She turned around and forced herself to look at him with the last bit of energy she had left. "It isn't something that can be fixed. People are always going to doubt you. They're always going to think that I'm, at best, deluded and, at worst, your accomplice. Other people have placed us in this situation and yet other people are working to help us. We are powerless either way. Fortunately, the United States has officially recognised your identity, your citizenship, and your prisoner-of-war status. The evidence of what was done to you is so extensive that even nasty old Judge Prydz could not ignore it. You will not face international charges."
"It isn't over, Bella."
"I know. Oh my goodness, I know. Do you think I'm not entirely aware?"
"I…" Bucky shook his head again and went silent.
"Mary-Claire says that the next stage of the plan is going to hit hard when we arrive in New York. Frankly, it sounds horrible and I don't even know what is going to happen. It is like…its like some horrible choose your own adventure book where you keep waiting to see if you've chosen the ending where you fall off the cliff."
"S***. Bella."
"Why wont you say anything, Yasha? Please?"
"Because…there just isn't…f***." Bucky slid down the wall onto the floor and then whispered, "Because it hasn't actually been bad for me, baby." He half sobbed and then cleared his throat before croaking miserably, "I've had you out there fighting for me and Steve by my side again. For the first time in years, I am not alone in my fight." He lifted his head up to look at her briefly and then said in a more certain voice, "I never could see much hope for me when I made plans for our future. I knew they'd find me. I was completely sure that they would kill me eventually, but probably torture me first. I was prepared for it, as long as I knew you and the children were safe. But hope? Nah. Didn't have none."
He took a deep breath and then spoke in a softer tone that made her move closer and kneel down on the floor in front of him. "They returned my silver star, Bella. They…I'm going to actually be a recognised veteran. I'm James Barnes again, not the Asset, Soldat, or Winter Soldier. I am a person again. A man."
Thea reached out and touched his knees, which were bunched up to his shoulders as he held his legs tightly to body. But instead of comforting him, her gesture seemed to cause him physical pain. He then continued in a rasping, broken voice, "And yet, now I realise that all the time that I've been starting to feel like I was finally coming in from the cold and that my family might actually be returned to me, you've been living in absolute h*ll and I didn't even see how bad it was for you."
"That doesn't make it your fault that this is happening, Yasha. I am angry, so angry, but not at you. I am raging with fury towards all the people from your past, the ones who are trying to use you for their own purposes now, and the journalists who are trying to make their careers off our pain. I despise them all and it is a bit scary, since that is not typically the sort of woman that I am."
"You are angry at me though, krasotka. You can be angry at them, too, and still be furious with me."
Thea shook her head determinedly. "I am less angry and more very disappointed. Yasha, I need for you to stop questioning whether I still want to be here with you. I am not trapped. I am not being forced. I'm not deluded about you. So, you really need to get with the bloody programme and finally see that, despite having been handed multiple other options, I only want this one. You. Us. Our family."
"Ok."
"Ok? Just like that."
"Yeah. You are right." Bucky moved slowly onto his knees so as not to surprise her, then pulled her up to him. "You are right. You picked me. It doesn't matter if I don't feel worthy, does it? I just gotta make sure I am."
"You are."
"Bella." Bucky wrapped himself around her tightly and whispered into her hair, "Thank you."
The car wended its way down the very long drive that Thea knew so well that it made her heart ache. It had been over three years since she'd been home. The old tree with the swing was gone, but the one where Christopher had ended up stuck for hours when Thomas had dared him to climb it was still standing. The far pasture was in bad repair. Richard was always such a cautious steward of the estates, so it concerned her to see that. It was either a sign of how bad things had got for Richard emotionally or of the state of his financial affairs. She knew he had expended enormous sums in his search for her. Perhaps it was a sign of both.
Bucky's voice was tight and low as he asked, "This is all your family's land, krasotka?"
"Mmhm. It used to be larger, but the tax burden was too immense. My grandfather sold off quite a lot. My father is the one who opened the house up to the public during the summer to help make ends meet. The ruins of the abbey are early Norman. That's the only reason we get many visitors really. The house itself is just a standard Georgian pile though, since the original buildings were burned during the Civil War and our family had another estate at that time so they didn't bother to rebuild for a while. As houses go, it is not particularly special to the average tourist."
Steve leant forwards and looked out the side window at the lake and said quietly, "Honestly, it is incredibly beautiful here, Thea. It must have been a wonderful place to grow up."
"Well, thank you, but I didn't really. I spent summers here when my grandfather was alive. When Father inherited it, I was 12 and already at school. So again, summers and holidays. I never lived here full-time. But I've always loved it here. I fought my brothers like a tigress for the old blue room, since it had a view of the lake. There, you can see now."
Bucky stiffened next to her as he saw the immense brick structure and turned his head sharply to look at Steve. Steve also seemed rather awestruck.
Mary-Claire, however, happily commented, "Oh, it's a lovely house, Thea. I cannot wait to see your old room. Sarabeth had the good room at our house—the one with the balcony overtop the side gardens. Robert and Riley had the rooms with the huge bookcases, which I also thought was so unfair. Great-aunt had the one with the other balcony. Mine was the old nursery, since they needed to keep me close to my parents. It didn't even have a real fireplace, just an old coal one, so I always felt cheated. No closet either—just a big ugly Victorian wardrobe."
Thea laughed. "Same. Closets were a 19th century thing and Arnwells are allergic to renovations. Truly, baths are quite an adventure, as you never know what you'll get. Also, I had a narrow old coal fireplace that had a supremely ugly electric fire installed sometime in the 40s. But you actually need the fireplaces in this place. It literally could not be draughtier and actually dare to call itself a house. Typical old English home, really. I suppose that isn't a massive concern in South Carolina, is it?"
"Not really. Central air-conditioning is the thing that you want to ask about when it comes to old Southern houses. Window units are woefully inadequate. When you come to visit, we'll put you in the back guest room. That room has such wonderful AC that you could wear a sweater in July."
"I am not certain if I'll be allowed to visit, but I appreciate the invitation. I believe that I am restricted from leaving the state of New York once I am processed."
"That is not part of the paperwork that I arranged, Thea. Did they give you something else this morning at the American embassy?"
Steve looked at Bucky and then back to Mary-Claire. "They have decided that Bucky needs more extensive monitoring and, since Thea is not allowed to be more than 100 miles from his location, they decided to restrict them both to the boroughs only."
"Oh good heavens, Steven; you did not think to mention this to me then? You two allowed her to sign that paperwork without letting me read over it?"
As the car slowed to a stop in the half-circle near the front door, Bucky spoke up aggressively, "There wasn't any choice. We needed you supervising the children's paperwork, right? It was a f***ing good thing we did, too, considering what they tried to do with Jamie's birth certificate. And Thea wasn't being given the choice to have someone read anything over. It was sign or be refused entry into the country."
Mary-Claire slapped her hand on her knee angrily. "They knew I'd go with the children. I should have expected it. Ugh!"
Steve grabbed her hand in his and said gently, "You have predicted 90% of what they've tried to pull and fixed up everything else that you hadn't expected before they could finish their move. There had to be one thing they'd get by us. It isn't that bad, beautiful."
Thea smiled thankfully at Steve and then said, "You've truly been incredible, Mary-Claire. We really wouldn't be here if it were not for the plans that you and your colleagues made. All that matters is that we are going to New York together and that my children will be there with us."
They waited as the rest of the caravan of police and military vehicles encircled their own and the van with the children, social workers, and marshals.
The door to their car was opened by an agent, who allowed first Mary-Claire to exit and then Thea. After both women were taken over towards the van where the children were being held with the team of marshals and the two social workers, a swarm of uniformed men surrounded the vehicle where Bucky and Steve were waiting. Finally, Steve was allowed to exit and his ankle shackles were checked for tightness before they were reconnected to his handcuffs. Then, Bucky was pulled from the vehicle by two of the SAS personnel, who passed him to the four others that were waiting to tighten and recheck all of his restraints.
"This is utterly ludricrous. I have agreed to host my brother-in-law and Captain America in my home at my own expense until the time of the court martial, which, I might add, is saving both Her Majesty's and the American governments a tidy sum. They are not to be prisoners in my home, nor would any of these ridiculous measures be sufficient to stop a super-soldier who was disinclined to cooperate. You are acting purely out of a desire to shame, which I will not allow. Take those bloody things off. Now."
Richard stood in front of the enormous and quite intimidating SAS officer, who had just been preparing to hand him the transfer of custody papers, and stared the man down from his unimpressive 5'7". Pushing his bifocals back up, Richard snatched the paperwork and repeated. "Off. Now."
"My orders are that the restraints stay on until they are inside the property, so as to ensure that the children are in a safe environment."
"You utter twat, just where do you think the children will be when they are inside the house? These men are fathers, major. They will be changing nappies and reading bedtime stories about trains or unicorns just like every other decent father in Britain tonight. What precisely is it in aid of to force the children to see their fathers in chains right now? This is my private property and I alone will determine how my guests are to be treated whilst they are on my land. Take those ridiculous things off before you embarrass yourself further."
"Very well, but on your head be it, Sir Richard, if anything happens."
"What is going to happen between this point and the front door that could not happen six seconds after they are inside the house and the restraints are removed?"
Bucky sighed. "It doesn't matter, Richard. Let them have their victory."
The officer turned on his heel and moved to remove Bucky's handcuffs, however Bucky just turned his wrist so they popped off. He shrugged when he saw the man's fury and just muttered, "Sorry. They aren't broken or nothing. It was just easier that way."
The man hissed with anger and gestured to several of his subordinates to remove the other chains on Bucky and the restraints on Steve. Steve looked over at Bucky and, after a look that immediately made Bucky want to demand that Steve shut his stupid mouth, completed the same manoeuvre that Bucky had and said with a bright smile, "Thanks, Major Halsey. These things itch."
Richard snorted with amusement and said succinctly, "Right. You lot can escort them in. I'm going to see to my sister and the children. Who even knows what ridiculous procedure you have in place there." As he walked away, he muttered angrily, "Utter twats. Commissions used to mean something. What has Britain come to if this is the best of the officer corps?"
Steve fell into place next to Bucky and nudged him. "Hiya, Buck. Having fun?"
Bucky glared at Steve and said in a low voice, "You're such a little s***, Rogers. These things itch."
"Mmhm. It was just easier that way, Buck?"
"Well, it was. They take forever to fiddle with their little keys."
"Sure, Buck. So. Thea's ancestral home, huh?"
"Looks like it."
"Holy s***, Buck. Us, the two guys as had to heat our bath water on the wood burner and take hip baths like it was freakin' civil war times. Who the hell have we become?"
"Dunno, Steve. I ask myself that every d*** day."
