Chapter 28: House Guests

"Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?" Donald belted, marching with his right wing swinging in tempo and his left holding his wand like a guard rifle. Goofy and Mickey marched in rank behind him.

Goofy saluted with utmost gravity and took up the tune, "M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!"

"Mickey Mouse!" Mickey replied in rhythm, raising his Keyblade.

"Donald Duck!" the magician squawked enthusiastically.

"Mickey Mouse!"

"Donald Duck!"

Paine forced her eyelids even tighter and ground her palms into her ears even harder. "And though I know the real world of emotion has surrounded me..." she sang desperately, trying to drown out the infernal, off-key animals. Unfortunately, not even Yuna's most get-stuck-in-your-head-for-days-at-a-time song could block out the din.

The three joined voices in cacophonous exuberance. "Forever let us hold our banner high!" they warbled out of tune.

"I won't give in to it!" Paine sang louder.

The Disney Castle denizens matched the increase. "Come along and sing a song..."

"NOW I KNOW THAT FORWARD IS THE..."

"AND JOIN THE JAMBOREE!"

Finally, Paine couldn't take it anymore. "Enough!" the sprite bellowed.

A startled Donald stopped short, causing his companions to crash into him.

"Gee, Paine, what's the matter?" Goofy inquired with a hurt look on his face. "Don't you like our song?"

"Not when you sing it a hundred times straight!" she bellowed, punching the air in frustration.

Donald harumphed loudly, glaring at the sprite. "You don't have to be rude about it." The three Disney characters picked themselves up off the ground.

"Hm..." Goofy pondered. The ground had felt a lot like an asphalt road.

"Rude is the only way to get through that thick skull of yours," Paine growled back.

The incensed duck reached behind his head to tip his hat forward aggressively and rolled up his sleeves. "Why I oughta..." He brought his hands up in front of his face in a boxing pose.

"Bring it, bird boy!" Paine challenged, moving to a fighting stance.

Oblivious of his fighting companions, the knight looked farther down their path. Lampposts grew out of the shadows to illuminate what was indeed a street. A familiar street...

"Hey!" Mickey shouted, whacking both of the quarrelers on the heads. "Cut it out." Looking sternly at them, he continued, "I know we're cranky and tired after walking so long, but that's no excuse to take it out on each other."

Two bright searchlights flashed to life, revealing a swanky building at the corner of an intersection. "Look, fellers!" Goofy exclaimed, pointing. "It's the House of Mouse!"

Mickey and Donald whipped their heads around to stare at the lit up nightclub. "It is!" they both gasped.

"The what?" Paine groaned, rubbing her forehead. She could feel a migraine coming on.

"The House of Mouse," Mickey answered. "It's a dinner theater we used to run together." A troubled look crossed his face. "What're we doing here?"

"Yeah," Goofy agreed. "Didn't ya close 'er down when we had ter leave?"

Mickey shook his head. "Mortimer offered to take over, and well..." He heaved a sigh. "I didn't want to see the House go, so I let him."

Biting the bullet again, Paine dared to ask, "Mortimer?"

"My old rival, Mortimer Mouse," Mickey supplied.

"A long time ago, Mortimer an' His Majesty had ter compete to be Minnie's special sweetheart," Goofy grinned, like this was an embarrassing secret for the king. "An' Mortimer thinks they're still competin', a-hyuck!"

"Everyone else just thinks he's an annoying jerk," Donald grumbled.

"One of those guys," Paine said, nodding in understanding.

Still frowning, Mickey muttered, "I can't imagine he'd do anything too bad, though."

"Who cares?" Donald squawked. "I say we take a break."

As much as she hated it, Paine had to agree with the bird brain, "Not a bad idea."

"Last one there's a rotten egg!" the magician cackled before sprinting towards the house.

"Donald, wait!" Mickey shouted, dashing after him. "We should be careful."

"Oh boy, here we go," Goofy sighed before galumphing away.

Smirking deviously, Paine watched them go, not even bothering to give chase. The racers drew closer, close enough to see that the club's sign was malfunctioning. "House of" was written in bright neon letters, but the third word was dark, save for a few flickers.

When Donald was nearly at the red-carpeted entrance, Paine teleported directly to the door in a swirl of light. "Beat you," she boasted, looking smug as Donald steamed.

Once Mickey and Goofy caught up, the four adventurers strode into the hip venue, looking forward to their brief rest. As they went in, they passed a humongous shark-like man wearing a spacey outfit. The shark-man walked over to an electrical box, pulling out a bright yellow ray gun, and zapped the circuits, causing the sign to blaze into its full glory.

"House of Villains"


A grim-looking fellow was at the host stand, watching the patrons indifferently with blood red eyes. He drummed on the stand with a sleek, golden gauntlet, not seeming to care that his long, black hair was in his face.

"Table for three, please," Donald quacked at him.

"Four!" Paine corrected.

"Three and a half," Donald conceded.

The host stared at them for several seconds, as if they were bugs he wasn't sure were worth the effort to squash. With a swift motion, he brought his wrist up to his mouth and whispered something in it. "This way," he said in barely more than a whisper. The man turned, his red cloak fluttering around him and revealing a pistol holstered on his leg.

"Thanks, Mr..." Mickey responded politely, looking at the name plate on the stand, "Valentine."

The aloof host brought them to a table right in the center of the audience, providing them a terrific view of the stage. Without another word, he left, glancing at a young woman in black clothes and a long blue vest as he did so. The woman rolled her eyes and flipped her black tresses behind her shoulders before striding up to her newest customers.

"Hey boys," she greeted. "And gal," she added quickly after Paine cleared her throat. "I'm Rinoa and I'll be your server tonight. What can I get for you?"

The four hungry customers glanced around the table fruitlessly. "Urm..." Goofy muttered. "Where's the menus?"

"We don't have any," Rinoa stated matter-of-factly. "You order what you want, and our whiz of a chef cooks it up." She smirked at their shocked expressions.

After a moment, Donald's face broke out into a delighted grin. "Blueberry pancakes!" he blurted excitedly. "With lots of syrup!"

Goofy scratched his head. "But Donald, it's not breakfast time."

"So?" Donald fired back.

"Yeah, so?" Rinoa agreed with him, giggling. "We serve anything and everything, morning, noon, and night." She scribbled down Donald's order on a notepad.

"What's a good cheese dish?" Mickey inquired.

"His cheese fondue is top notch," Rinoa replied.

"I'll have that then."

The server turned to Goofy. "I'll have the best sandwich he can make, a-hyuck," the knight said cheerfully.

"The best, huh?" Rinoa mused, tapping her lip with her pen. "I'd say that's the Monte Cristo. It's heavenly."

"No, no," Goofy clarified, "tell 'im I want the best sandwich he can make. Those words exactly."

This seemed to puzzle the poor girl. "Okay...," she drew out in confusion and wrote the order down anyway. "And for you?" she directed at Paine.

"I'll just eat off their plates," Paine answered. "Don't waste a whole plate on me."

"Nonsense," Rinoa assured, "we deal with this all the time. I can just shrink the food down for you when I bring it. No worries."

Paine raised an eyebrow skeptically. "I'll have a chef salad then, no meat."

"Alrighty, then!" Rinoa chirped. "I'll put that in for you." She strolled over to a window and shouted through it, "Ordering! I've got a drowned poxcake, a cholesterol dipper, a peaceful garden, and..." she paused with a frown, "'the best sandwich you can make' for table four."

Instantly, the doors to the kitchen burst open and a man with large shoulders and a larger chin strode up to them. His Incan dress was covered up by a dirty apron, currently. Goofy in particular noticed a small pin on the chef's apron, a chef's hat with crossed spatulas underneath.

"Alright, which one of you ordered the sandwich?" he said in an accusing tone, eyeing them all as if they were in trouble.

In response, Goofy calmly walked up to the chef and slapped him across the face with his napkin.

"Oh, it's on," the chef responded darkly, both of them with serious expressions on their faces. "Sandwich Gourmets United?"

"Connoisseurs for a Better Sandwich. Fancy Chefs Union?"

"Food Preparers Elite. Kronk."

"Goofy."

They shook hands firmly, nodding at each other. "May the best man win," Kronk deadpanned, all business, before retreating to his lair, nearly bowling over Rinoa as she shook her head in amusement.

The others at the table were staring at Goofy with open mouths. "What was that about?" Donald quacked.

"Sorry, can't tell you," he responded. "It's a secret."

Used to his Captain's antics by now, Mickey just chuckled and sipped on the water that Rinoa had provided. His ears, as always, were picking up the chatter from among the other patrons in the House. Normally, the king tried to ignore what he heard (because it's impolite to eavesdrop), but some of the conversations wormed their way into his mind, anyway.

"Did you hear the newssssss?" a hypnotizing voice hissed.

"Indeed," a feline voice growled. "What a shame. Now I'm the only great cat villain left."

"Ahem," a voice trying to be regal inserted angrily.

"I said great, not pathetic."

What looked to be a large grasshopper and a purple lizard were escorted to a table in front of Mickey by Vincent.

"Man, that's rough," the insect observed sympathetically as Rinoa approached.

"When I get my hands on them again, they'll wish they'd stayed in banishment," the lizard swore menacingly, pounding the table.

"Something from the bar?" Rinoa suggested humorously.

"A dry martini."

Closer to the stage, an old woman who looked scary beyond all reason was grimacing while a large old woman pigged out next to her. "Want some?" the mad old woman asked, handing the scary-beyond-all-reason woman a fork. "It's magnificent, marvelous, mad mushroom soufflé."

Hesitantly, Ms. Scary-beyond-all-reason grabbed the fork, as if she was giving in to temptation, and took a bite. "Mm..." she purred. "I guess my idiot henchman is good for something after all." She began tapping her fork thoughtfully against her cheek, not noticing the flecks of food she was depositing there. "You know, I haven't seen Hades in a while. Wonder what he's up to."

A pit began forming in Mickey's stomach that had nothing to do with being hungry. "Uh, fellas?" the mouse began nervously, "something doesn't feel right."

"Chow time!" Rinoa trilled, a large tray of food floating behind her. Any concerns Mickey had were shoved aside as his companions eagerly awaited their meals. With a flick of her hand, Rinoa had the plates hover to their correct customers. She even shrunk Paine's salad right before their eyes. "Enjoy."

A growl from his stomach was enough to make Mickey forget his misgivings for the time being. After all, they needed their strength.

Goofy was examining his sandwich critically. It looked very simple, just a French baguette with meat, cheese, lettuce, and sauce. Finished with his examination, Goofy held the sandwich reverently and eased a bite out of it. He chewed carefully, seeming to ponder each flavor he encountered. Finally, with a satisfied moan, he swallowed.

"Delicious!" he cried happily.

Kronk instantly sped out of his kitchen to the table, coming to a stop with his hands clasped under his chin. "Really?"

"Uh-huh," Goofy confirmed. "It looks simple, but each piece has a buncha flavor. I've never tasted anythin' like it. An' the sauce is outta this world. What's yer secret?" He chuckled privately at his own pun.

"You know how there's big no-no's in cooking?" Kronk replied.

"Yup."

"I do them anyway because half of the time I can't remember what they are," the chef admitted unashamedly.

"Well, it worked out for you this time, a-hyuck!" Goofy grinned, proffering a Golden Sandwich pin.

Kronk gasped, a tear coming to his eye, "I'm honored." He accepted the award with a shaking hand and attached it to his apron, right next to his Food Preparers Elite Membership pin.

The lights dimmed, indicating the start of the dinner program, with Kronk still at table four, stunned at the recognition he'd been given. A sentient microphone dropped from the flyspace to introduce the host. "And now, your master of mousey mischief, Mortimer Mouse."

The crowd erupted into raucous applause as a lanky, sleazy-looking mouse sauntered on stage. "Thank you, thank you," Mortimer sneered. "Looks like we've got a hot crowd tonight, even without Hades, ha cha cha!" The house broke into laughter. "Before we get started, though, we have some special guests in the House tonight."

A bright spotlight turned on above table four, bringing attention to its occupants. "It's the former MC himself, King Mickey Mouse, along with his cohorts Donald Duck and Goofy," Mortimer continued. "Why don't we show them how we run the House now?"

"Eh heh heh heh," guffawed a familiar voice. "It'd be my pleasure." Out of the shadows came Pete in his red and blue jumpsuit, an evil twinkle in his eye. He grabbed their table and flipped it over, sending their half-eaten meals flying.

"Hey!" Kronk shouted with a frown. "Nobody ruins my food and gets away with it!" He whipped out a skillet from who knows where and slammed it squarely on Pete's head. The great lummox spun dizzily and fell to the floor.

"Run for it!" Mickey cried desperately. The four sprang from their seats and sprinted for the door. Before they could reach it, green and black flames rose in their path, causing them to screech to a halt.

"Leaving so soon?" a terrible voice leered. Out of the flames came none other than Maleficent. A blast of dark magic shot from her staff at the heroes, scattering them into the throng of villains that all wanted a piece of them.

Mickey jumped over a huge, thieving brute that swiped at him with golden claws, only to get shot at by a greedy treasure hunter. "On your left!" Paine warned, keeping an eye out from above. A kid with braces and a skull t-shirt shot a firecracker at the king, who twisted around to block with his Keyblade. The explosion blasted him into the ground, but he sprung back up quickly. A guy in a spandex suit with piles of red hair fired an energy ray from his glove at Mickey, immobilizing the king instantly.

Donald had ducked under a table to avoid plasma blasts from the shark man. "Get back here, trog!" the alien shouted. A pair of siamese cats slunk under the table after the magician, sinking their claws into his exposed behind. "Wak!" Donald squawked, bolting from under the table and casting a Firaga behind him. A third cat, this one fat and long-haired, jumped onto Donald's head and began scratching his face. It yowled in pain as Paine slashed it with her sword, giving Donald the opportunity to throw the cat off. His relief wasn't long; a thin tentacle, much like Ursula's, wrapped around him, holding him tight.

Goofy ran with his shield over his head, deflecting the ion blaster shots from a purple, cape-wearing emperor. Not watching where he was going, he slammed into a giant fur coat that probably weighed more than its cruel owner. "Behind you!" Paine shouted. She wasn't quick enough, though. The heart-shaped spear of a card soldier poked Goofy in the rump. "Yah, hoo, hoo, hooyyyyyyyyy!" the knight yelped, hopping away. "Off with his head!" the Queen of Hearts bellowed after him. A python wearing a cape and hat dropped in front of Goofy's face. It's eyes glowed hypnotically, ensnaring Goofy in their depths.

The three captives were flung roughly/directed hypnotically to the stage where Mortimer was waiting in evident delight. "Nothin' personal, boys," he sneered. "I want Minnie and they want you dead, so it's a win-win...for us." Each and every villain let loose their evil laughs, sending chills down the heroes' spines.

Mickey, Donald, and Goofy pushed themselves up and readied to fight. "I don't think even the spirit of adventure would like these odds," Paine muttered, hovering nearby for support.

"All together now," Mortimer instructed. "Ready..." The villains loaded their weapons or prepared their spells. "Aim..."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAIT!"

Kronk came dashing up to the stage, holding his skillet up like a stop sign.

"And why should we do that?" Maleficent questioned menacingly. An impatient rustle went through the crowd. They wanted the Disney inhabitants dead, but good chefs were hard to come by!

Kronk seemed stumped. "Uh..."

"Say something!" came a voice that only Mickey's ears could hear. It sounded like the host, Vincent Valentine!

"Because the voices in my head told me so?" Kronk tried, prompting a groan from Vincent. This time, Mickey spotted the source of the voice, an earpiece in Kronk's ear.

"What?" "Is he a spy?" "He's with the king!" "Destroy the cook, too!"

"Don't be ridiculous," the scary-beyond-all-reason lady called out derisively. "Kronk talks to himself all the time."

The villains calmed down enough to listen to Kronk again. "He did give me the pin," Kronk admitted to his right shoulder. "You're right, I don't want him mad again," he professed to his left shoulder.

"See?" the woman asserted. "Just ignore him and attack the others now while he's distracted."

"Abort! Abort!" Vincent said urgently. "Get out of there, now!"

A rush of power filled the house and the villains were shoved aside by a magical force. "Hold it!" Rinoa commanded, walking towards the stage. White angel wings now sprouted from her back. "Nobody lays a finger on my customers." She waited for the villains to complain loudly before smirking, "Except me."

"By all means, my lady," Mortimer conceded, bowing out of her way. From that angle, he had a nice view of her curvy legs. "Ha cha cha."

Despite his best efforts, Mickey quailed as their server approached them; immense power was building up around her. The air itself seemed to hold its breath in anticipation for what was about to happen. She stopped a few feet away, watching them. Then, she winked.

The cheeky young woman spun around quickly towards her evil audience. "Nyah!" she sassed, making a face at them by sticking out her tongue and pulling down her eyelid. Then, Rinoa vanished in a whirl of light and feathers, taking the hapless adventurers and the hopeless chef with her.

"Great!" an angry voice yelled out of the crowd. "Now who's going to cook for us?" Many of the evildoers matched the sentiment and turned on Mortimer.

"Uh..." the MC stammered. "Ha cha cha?"


The teleportation spell dumped them all unceremoniously on a pile of junk in the cavernous prop room under the House. "Sorry about the rough landing," Rinoa apologized from her position sprawled across a silent organ. "I can't always control it when I'm rushed like that."

Mickey emerged from a pile of jewelry, closing a magical locket that showed Atlantica. "We're obviously in the prop room," he began, "but I don't recognize any of these props."

"That's because we're in the sequels section," Kronk explained. "Nobody likes the sequels." He picked up a prop nearby. "Oh look, a Camp Chippamunka uniform."

A splash of red drifted into their nook enclosed by shelves, fluttering aside to reveal Vincent. Donald and Goofy, who had not been privy to the earbud conversations, jumped in alarm and readied their weapons.

"Hey, Vincent," Rinoa greeted, affirming that the host was indeed friendly, or at least not their enemy. She hopped off the organ, accidentally smacking Vincent with her wing in the process. "Oops, sorry."

"Would you put those things away?" he growled, swatting at the white feathers.

"You don't have to be a jerk about it!" Rinoa retorted. She turned her back to him, making sure to smack him again, before scrunching up her face in an expression that made her look constipated. With a rustle, her feathers all dropped to the floor, leaving Rinoa's back as uninteresting as before.

"Don't mind them," Kronk informed the Dark group, "they're probably just cranky because Leon's going to be mad at us."

"Leon?"

"Yup," Rinoa chirped. "Tron picked up some concentrated villain activity on his sensors and Squall sent us undercover to investigate."

"Leon," Donald and Goofy both corrected her.

Ignoring them completely, Vincent ghosted over to a desk with an old radio on it. "House Guests to Radiant Garden," he spoke into a microphone. "Do you read?"

"Gawrsh," Goofy muttered guiltily, "we didn't mean to mess you up."

Rinoa waved him off. "No worries," she assured them, "we weren't getting very far, so Squall was about to recall us anyway."

"You mean they're not planning anything?" Donald inquired, frowning skeptically.

"Nope," Kronk remarked. "Turns out the bad guys like to relax as much as the good guys do."

"Hey, Vinnie, y'old vampire!" Cid's rough voice crackled from the radio. "What's shaking?"

"Where's Leon?" the vampire-in-question demanded bluntly, scowling at Rinoa's smothered giggles.

"Is that Vincent?" the cheery voice of Yuffie broke in. "Hi, Vincent!"

To the amazement of all present, Vincent's face softened slightly. "Hey, Yuffie," he responded quietly.

"I was getting worried," the hyperactive girl admitted, "No one's heard from you for a week."

"A week?" Rinoa repeated, confused. "But it's only been a day since we called last."

"Time is messed up between the worlds," Mickey sighed.

"Tron and Leon should be able to explain it," Paine remarked dryly. "After all, they hacked into the Commspheres."

"Out of the way," ordered a familiar voice.

"But Leeeeooon!" Yuffie whined. "I wanna talk to Vincent!" You could practically hear the tantrum in her voice.

"No."

"Come on, Squall," Rinoa interceded on the ninja's behalf, "lighten up."

"No, now tell me why you contacted me."

The four adventurers shared an interested glance with each other; Leon hadn't corrected Rinoa! They could also hear Yuffie pestering him about it in the background.

"Our cover's been blown," Vincent stated, straight to the point.

There was a tense pause, the silence broken only by what sounded like Cid swearing. "Can you make it out?" Leon asked worriedly.

Donald yanked the microphone out of Vincent's hand. "We'll get them out," the duck quacked enthusiastically, placing the mic as close to his mouth as possible and likely blowing out the ear drums of any listeners. "No sweat."

"It is kinda our fault, after all," Goofy pointed out.

"Donald? Goofy?" Leon spluttered, too surprised to maintain his normal stoicism. "What..? How...?"

Taking over the microphone, Mickey responded sheepishly, "We just stumbled in by accident." His voice grew firm with conviction. "But things like this happen for a reason. Don't you worry 'bout a thing. They'll be home for dinner, one way or another."

"I'll hold you to that, Your Majesty," Leon replied with just a hint of cheek. "Good luck." With a click, the radio line went dead.

"Okay then," Mickey began, summoning his Keyblade. "Exit, stage left." He pointed the weapon in front of him, willing the darkness to part the fabric of space and create a portal to Radiant Garden...but, nothing happened. "Huh?"

"There's a spell on the building," Vincent informed them. "No magical travel in or out."

"'That's distracting for the audience, ha cha cha,'" Rinoa mocked, making her voice nasally.

"Hey, you sounded just like Mortimer," Kronk chortled. The others just collectively groaned.

"So all we gotta do is make it outside," the king summed up, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "Rinoa, can you teleport us to a door?"

"Not without being noticed before I can pull it off," she admitted regretfully.

"So let's get walkin'," Goofy suggested. "Even if they do come lookin' fer us, they'll have a hard time findin' us down here."

"That is so true," Kronk agreed. "I've gotten lost down here so many times trying to find this place."

They began trudging through the maze of shelves, boxes, and piles of props on their way to the single staircase that led back up to the main floor of the House. Any sounds they made seemed to get soaked up by the creepy paintings, baskets of toys, pots and pans, spandex suits, and old jalopies.

Realizing that it was safe to talk, Paine asked, "So how did you get stuck with this job?"

"We're a couple of Xehanort's rejects," Rinoa said easily, as if was the most normal thing in the world."

"Rejects?" Goofy wondered.

"Failed experiments," Vincent clarified with slight bitterness.

"That's awful!" Mickey gasped, looking horrified.

"I'm over it,"Rinoa shrugged, brushing her hair back as if she were brushing her cares away. "Xehanort wanted someone with the power of a Princess of Heart without the 'weakness' of morality, so he tried to imbue me with the power of Kingdom Hearts itself. Instead, he got a sorceress."

"Wak!" Donald squawked, his eyes bulging in awe. "A sorceress?"

The girl blushed slightly. "Yeah, but I've still got some work to do, as you saw."

"Hmph," Vincent grunted disapprovingly.

Several of the Disney Castle residents made their own noises of disapproval at the brooding man's reaction, but Rinoa came to his rescue. "He's upset about the experiment, not at me." She adopted a teasing tone. "It gives a bad name to scientists like him."

"That imposter Xehanort managed to single-handedly reverse the legitimacy of Ansem's research!" Vincent blurted heatedly. The burst of emotion passed quickly, though.

If not for the obvious anger that Vincent was burying, Mickey would have been excited to discuss Ansem the Wise with the former scientist. "You know Ansem's work?" the king inquired gently.

The man winced slightly. "I used to work under him," he grated out. "When Xehanort took over, I tried to stop him, but he and the other apprentices subdued me. To keep me quiet, they decided to experiment on me. They spliced Heartless DNA into me in the hopes that I would be able to control the monsters. I...well, let's just say they got more than what they bargained for."

After a moment of respectful silence, Donald jerked a thumb at the chef. "What about him?"

"Kronk?" Rinoa responded, trying to find the right words. "Well, he's..."

"...a loveable idiot/ex-evil henchman/comic relief," Kronk offered.

"His connection to the villain community has been invaluable to this operation," Vincent added, a note of approval running through his words.

"Plus the whole genius chef thing," Rinoa reminded them.

"Shhh!" Vincent suddenly hissed, throwing his arm out to hold everyone back.

Cautiously, Paine flew to the top of the towering shelves and peeked warily around. "Not good," she groaned lowly. "Looks like the whole audience is down here and starting to spread out."

"Can you keep us from running into them from up there?" Mickey asked hurriedly.

"Yeah," she replied. "Just don't go too fast and keep it down."

Time trickled by slowly as they tensely navigated the prop maze, changing direction whenever the sprite saw danger. They inched past bedknobs and broomsticks, crawled around a lighthouse, and tiptoed by a herd of carousel horses. After many suspenseful minutes, the exit could be seen over the mountains of odds and ends.

"Found ya!" Pete's voice boomed from behind them, startling everyone. Any villains in earshot vocalized their excitement, sounding eager for a fight, and began rushing towards the bungling henchman.

Light flashed on Rinoa's back, her magical angel wings appearing once more. "Get close," Rinoa whispered hurriedly, beckoning everyone to her side. Power began building around her as it had done up on the stage.

"Not so fast!" Maleficent boomed in a terrible voice. The orb on her staff glowed with a sickly green light. Rinoa squeaked in surprise as her power unraveled before her teleport spell could finish.

The evil sorceress cackled and sent another blast of magic at them, which Goofy quickly caught on his shield. Rinoa responded by loosing a raging column of flames at Maleficent. As Maleficent used her staff to block the magic, Mickey ran up and engaged the witch.

Vincent whipped out his pistol and unloaded on Pete, who laughed and raised his impenetrable shield. He wasn't laughing for long, though; Goofy charged him, using his shield like a battering ram, sending the lug crashing through shelves. Kronk bounded after him, waving his frying pan wildly.

"Fire!" a gubernatorial voice ordered from behind them. A storm of bullets rained down on the ranged warriors, taking them by surprise. While Paine quickly doled out potions, Rinoa cast a blue protective shield over them that served to slow the projectiles, lessening the damage that they did.

With an angry battle cry, Donald rushed at the pompous purple peacock who had ordered the attack. The magician jumped up and swiped his wand at the larger man, knocking off his purple pilgrim's hat. Blue octahedra circled Rinoa briefly before she cast a blistering Thundaga. The spell crashed down on the treasure hunter from before, a rugged poacher, and a floozy-looking, pawnshop-owning woman.

In spite of having temporary invincibility, Pete was struggling against the combined efforts of Goofy and Kronk. "Yah!" he cried as the chef threw some cayenne pepper in his face. A swift shield bash to the chin sent him sprawling. But the final blow did not come as expected. It came in the form of a wolf who huffed and puffed and blew down the two food enthusiasts.

"By the hair on my chinny-chin-chin," the newcomer remarked lightly, "looks like you could use some help, Petey."

"Hey, Big Bad," Pete greeted groggily, waving a hand weakly from the floor. "Nice timing."

"Now then," the Big Bad Wolf leered, "it's dinner time!" He pounced at Kronk, licking his lips, while Pete barreled at Goofy. Seeing them in trouble, Donald hurried over to provide support.

Maleficent's staff was fast, but Mickey's Keyblade was faster. In the midst of their sparring, the mouse was able to land a solid slash on the evil sorceress's chest, knocking her back. Before he could press his advantage, a great tiger leapt at him, raking the king with its claws. Maleficent was also on her feet again and sent a black and green fireball at her distracted opponent.

"Oh no you don't!" Rinoa bellowed, protecting Mickey from the blast with a spell. With determination on her face, the light sorceress faced off defiantly against the dark sorceress. They exchanged spell after spell, generating such power that the props surrounding them were blasted to pieces and the floor began to crack.

Vincent began firing at the tiger, allowing Mickey to break free from its grip. With the ranged distraction, the Keyblade Wielder was able to repel his feline opponent. Taking careful aim, the marksman prepared to fire right between the massive cat's eyes, but something hit him from behind and, suddenly, he couldn't move.

His paralyzed body swung through the air so that he faced the villain in spandex, a ray of energy connecting the villain's glove to Vincent. "Nobody escapes my Immobi-Ray!" the boy boasted, letting loose an evil laugh.

The supervillain's face fell when a purple orb began emanating from his captive. With a roar, Vincent transformed into a wolf-like creature and broke through the Immobi-Ray's hold. His long, white mane flared out behind him as his powerful legs propelled him forward. His jaws clamped down on the offending ray device, attempting to destroy it.

This particular villain was quite the engineer, though. Despite all the damage that the Galian Beast was doing, the device would not break. Instead, it began misfiring all over the place, grabbing up combatants and flinging them to other locations. One of the rays managed to pick up Mickey and Maleficent, tossing them behind a huge mound of props into a secluded alcove.

Both of them quickly recovered, ready to fight again, but their surroundings gave them pause. A man in dark armor was staring at a mysterious rock. The rock curved up from its base and curled back over into a point, creating the illusion of a bird unfurling its wings. Noticing his company, the man turned around. His face was covered completely by a thorned helm.

"Who are you?" Mickey asked, eyeing the figure warily while also watching out for Maleficent.

"I'm a coward," the warrior said mournfully. "A coward who cannot even defy orders he knows he ought not follow..."

"And what would those orders be, Dark Knight?" Maleficent wondered threateningly, seeming just as unsure about this mystery person as her hated foe was.

The knight held up his hand and summoned a two-handed Keyblade, its long, cruel blade gleaming darkly. "To eliminate Astan's enemies." He touched the tip of his weapon to the strange rock. "Hero and villain, alike." Glowing eyes made of lava snapped open on the stone bird's head. His task complete, the Restless vanished in a flare of black fire tinged with green.

"Run!" Mickey yelled as the rock melted to reveal a great firebird. It spread its magma wings and fired a molten blast at its fleeing targets. All manner of gizmos and gadgets vaporized under the intense heat as the pair of foes were flung back towards the main scrum of combatants.

Sharp claws clacked against the floor as the Galian Beast raced by in a purple blur. The demonic canine bounded up the shelves and leapt for the bird's throat. With a gravelly screech, the firebird batted Vincent away with its flaming wing. The beast howled in agony as he crashed to the ground, leftover flecks of magma smouldering in his fur. Another orb surrounded him briefly, returning him to his human form, though unconscious.

Bullets whizzed by from the marksman villains, but they melted before reaching their target. Spells flew from Donald and Rinoa, but they did little damage. Physical attackers couldn't get close because of the heat. It seemed like everyone had enough common sense to stop fighting each other and attack the bird, but no one was making any headway on their own.

Mickey and Maleficent shared a glance, one resolute, the other disgusted. They raised their weapons, wand and Keyblade together, and fired off a combined spell. The magic struck the firebird in the chest, causing some of its molten body to solidify and crumble away. A pained squawk exploded from the firebird's beak.

"Listen up, fellas," Mickey shouted to the crowd at large, "it's going to take some teamwork to bring this bird down."

"Yes," Maleficent ground out sourly, looking like she wanted to bite her own tongue, "we must work together if we want to get out of this alive."

A molten glob flew towards them, but it was stopped short by the Immobi-Ray. Donald quickly cast Blizzaga at the blazing projectile, freezing it into normal rock. The supervillain let it drop harmlessly to the ground.

"That's it!" Mickey cried excitedly. "Cool it down, then hit it hard."

With surprising enthusiasm, the combatants took his words to heart. Rinoa froze the bird's feet, then Pete bowled them down with one of his exploding balls. The Big Bad Wolf huffed and puffed at a wing, then Goofy bashed at it with his shield. The scary-beyond-all-reason lady threw a freezing potion at the other wing, then Kronk smacked it with his frying pan.

The bird fluttered in agitation and poured more magma into its extremities, attempting to regrow them, but under the combined might of the heroes and villains, it couldn't regenerate fast enough. Soon, all that was left was its molten core.

"Together!" Maleficent commanded. Everyone began hammering at once, but the core proved more stubborn than the rest of it had. Not only could it regenerate faster now, it was also proving more resistant to their efforts.

"It's not enough," Paine voiced with horror. "We need more power."

"Don't worry," Rinoa assured smugly, approaching with Vincent at her side. "We got this."

"Vincent!" Goofy exclaimed in relief. "You're okay!"

"I heal fast," the man shrugged. He glanced at the splashes of lava that the magma core was still able to threaten them with. "Cover us. We're going in."

"Don't be foolish!" Maleficent snapped at them, straining to maintain her spells.

The girl just winked. "Don't worry. We've still got a few tricks up our sleeves." A mischievous grin formed on her face. "You might want to stand back, though."

Rinoa and Vincent advanced beyond the front line, the sorceress casting an unfamiliar spell as she went. Golden light swirled around her, then settled on her, giving her body a golden aura. Vincent morphed again, this time into a great red-winged humanoid. His skin was a leathery black, his hair was blood red, and his eyes glowed an eerie yellow. Both exuded extreme power.

With a berserk war cry, Rinoa unleashed a massive freezing spell, bombarding the core with a constant stream of ice and snow. An enormous silver gun formed in Vincent's hand that began charging with energy. Molten rock and fierce flames shot at them, but their allies blocked the attacks. The rock began to harden and a thick layer of frozen water began forming around it until it was completely encased.

Vincent pulled the trigger.

A blast of light and dark energy erupted from the gun and pierced the last of the firebird. With a loud boom, the core shattered into a storm of dust and rock fragments, knocking everyone to the ground.

Coughing heavily, Mickey picked himself up, relieved to see that the firebird was completely gone. "Everyone alright?" the king called out. Groans of affirmation floated up from the rubble, even from those who had been fighting with him earlier.

"It appears we have a common enemy once again," Maleficent remarked, fingering the orb on her staff. "One that threatens us all." She glanced expectantly at King Mickey out of the corner of her eyes.

"Not just us," Mickey responded solemnly. "Astan is a threat to the Realms themselves. We'll need all the help we can get to stop him."

"And you shall have it so long as you leave us to prepare in peace," the black witch guaranteed. She turned to address the assembled villains. "Agreed?" Murmurs of assent came from the crowd.

"That shouldn't be a problem," Mickey said, then continued in a cautionary tone, "as long as you guys don't cause trouble."

"Very well," Maleficent acquiesced on behalf of the villain community. "It's seems we have a truce." She held out her hand. Without hesitation, King Mickey shook it on behalf of the forces of good.

"You can't be serious!" both Pete and Donald blurted in disbelief. Both were completely ignored.

"You stop attacking the worlds," Mickey began.

"You stop attacking us," Maleficent added.

"You join us for our battle with Astan."

"And business returns to normal after his demise."

"Anyone who breaks the truce is fair game."

"It shall be so," Maleficent finished. "We will continue to gather here." She stroked her chin in thought. "I suggest you pay Hades a visit. He is having problems of his own, currently, and he will not be able to help until those are solved."

"Gee, thanks for the tip," the king said gratefully. He glanced at his traveling companions. "Looks like we're headed for the Underworld."

"Sounds cheery," Paine inserted dryly.

Rinoa and Vincent, both wingless again, came up to them. "I will accompany you," Vincent stated bluntly. "Anything to get me out of this boring place."

"I'll stay here as a liaison," Rinoa suggested. Mickey and Maleficent both nodded in agreement.

"And I'll stay here to cook," Kronk added, appearing at Rinoa's elbow. Raucous cheering and applause burst from the villains. Apparently, this suited them very well.

"That sounds like a plan," the king affirmed. "See ya later!" He began walking towards the exit with Donald and Goofy at his sides, Vincent stalking after them, and Paine floating above his head.

"One more thing, Donald, Goofy" Maleficent called after them. "Try not to get yourselves killed." The corner of her mouth lifted slightly in an almost fond smile. "I still need to enact my revenge on you and Sora."

"You bet!" Donald called back, Goofy giving her a thumbs up.

With the goodbyes taken care of, the Dark group plus Vincent left the House behind and struck out for the Underworld, wondering just what Hades had gotten himself into this time.


A/N: So it's been forever since I've played/watched anything remotely related to FF7 (unless you count BBS), so Vincent is probably a bit OOC. Oh well. It's a different universe with different background stories, therefore the FF characters are a bit more flexible. Right? Right. After all, Square started it (cough Leon cough).

Since I can think of one person in particular who will probably pick up on this, the undercover mission started before the time screw up. Somewhere between the calls mentioned in the chapter is when the time screw up happened.

I forgot to mention this last chapter, but now that 358/2 has been out for a while, I have come to realize that my characterization of Roxas is completely off (dang KH2 and its incomplete portrayal of Roxas). At this point in the story, I'm not going to change it or try to explain it away. If anything, I'll rewrite some of the beginning chapters and work it out, but don't hold your breath.

Who's excited for KH3D? I know I am! But there is one thing I have to say: they cut Riku's hair! How could they? BTW, if you don't have any interest in playing "The World Ends With You," I would urge you to reconsider. It's got a good plot that's unusually dark and twisted for Square Enix. It's also the first DS game I've played that's utilized the system's capabilities well.

Hehe, I only put the explicitly mentioned characters on my new characters list this time. Have fun guessing the rest, including the Restless! There are 22 or 23 depending on how you want to count twins. Edit: When I originally posted this, I didn't count the Firebird as one of the unnamed villains, but I also didn't put it in the New Characters list. Whoops! My bad. I have corrected this. Now maybe your counts will work out. ;)

New Characters

Vincent Valentine: Final Fantasy VII
Rinoa Heartilly: Final Fantasy VIII
Kronk: The Emperor's New Groove (2000)
Mortimer Mouse: Mickey's Rival (1936)
Pete: Steamboat Willie (1928)
Maleficent: Sleeping Beauty (1959)
Queen of Hearts: Alice in Wonderland (1951)
Big Bad Wolf: Three Little Pigs (1933)
the Firebird: Fantasia 2000 (2000)