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Wear me down
I woke up with a start, shooting right up from the bed looking round frantically. I don't know why but for some reason I was sure that something had happened, my Buffy sense was tingling and I didn't like it. I turned to my side and saw Edward still sleeping gently beside me, I couldn't help the small smile that formed on my face when I saw how calm he was in this instance.
I gently pushed a strand of hair off his face and giggled as he let out a small snore. I looked at my phone seeing it was a little after 10am, fuck we had slept a long time, this was a small achievement I guess, at least he was sleeping through more hours now.
Jesus I really did sound like a babysitter!
I got out of bed, stretching, feeling my joints click, slowly and quietly I walked into the bathroom. I switched on the light and looked at myself in the mirror really for he first time in 3 days. I looked a state, my hair was greasy and lifeless, there were dark circles under my eyes and my skin was blotchy, fuck I looked like I was the one on drugs. I shook my head and looked again, as if this would make my reflection look better before turning on my heel and switching the shower on. I grabbed a few towels and stripped off quickly. The hot water momentarily scalded my skin before I was accustom to it, I stood under the spray and washed away the last 3 days. I grabbed the shampoo and began washing my hair letting the strawberry scent overtake my senses. I washed the shampoo away quickly and just stood there, thinking….really thinking about everything that I had been through. Not just the last few days…the last few months of my life. I tried to hold it together but soon enough my legs gave way and I broke down sobbing in under the water.
And I cried. I cried for the last 6 months of my life and what I had been through. I cried for my mother who was still living with a monster, I cried for my father completely unaware of the hell his daughter had been through. I cried for Alice & Emmet knowing their brother was destroying himself and not being able to do a thing about it.
I cried for Edward and the things that he had put himself through. I cried for all the things he was going through at the moment and I cried for the fact that he couldn't control what was going on.
And I cried for me. I cried for my life and the disaster it had become and I cried for the situation I was in and the moment. I could barely take care of myself, why did I think I could take care of Edward. He was working through his issues on his own and I was just fucking everything up and babysitting him. I was almost actively forcing him to push away from me and get some more coke. I was bad for him.
I don't know how long I sat there and cried before Edward came in the bathroom and found me, all I know is that the water was running lukewarm and I had never felt so emotionally drain and worn down than I did in the moment. I felt like I could sleep for a month.
"Edward I'm so sorry" I cried as he sat down next to me under the spray
"What on earth do you have to be sorry for?" he said stroking my cheek.
"For everything, for not being able to help you anymore, for making you stay stuck in this hotel rom and babysitting you…".
"Bella, you have nothing to be sorry for at all you hear me. Everything that is happening to me now is my own doing, I have caused all the issues that I have at the minute and none of it is your fault at all. I am so sorry that I have made you feel this way. You do realise that I couldn't do this at all without you right? You keep me anchored, I would seriously be screwed without you. So please don't second guess yourself or think that anything is your fault. You are amazing" he muttered gently, I didn't think he could say such lovely things to me in the state that he was, I had to remind myself that this was still the pretty boy the saved me.
But this in turn made me cry all over again. Still i didn't fail to notice his blood shot eyes and shaking hands as he stood to turn off the water, he grabbed two towels and then resumed his sitting position in the shower with me.
"She's all alone again, wiping the tears from her eyes, some days he feels like dying, she gets so sick of crying" he sang sadly
"Where did that come from?" I asked looking up at him
"I always seem to have lyrics running through my head, some of them fit the situation better then others" he admitted. I couldn't disagree.
kissing each cheek on my tear trails, he looked me in the eyes "you shouldn't have to stress yourself out with all these issues Bella its my problem to deal with"
"Yeah but you are mine, you're in my life too so your problems are mine" I muttered.
"I'm yours?" he whispered looking up at me with his shiny red eyes.
"Yes your are, Edward you have been since I first saw you" I said shaking my head.
"And you are mine Bella….I -"he started but I quickly cut him off.
"I know Edward I really do but not right now…After. When all of this is behind us and its just you and me and we are together, far away from here, then" I said trying to smile.
"When we're not saying things just because of the situation that I'm in" he said nodding. I let out a breath I had been holding in. Its not that I didn't want him to say the words, its that I had become so scared that something was gonna mess up that if I heard those words now it would push me over the edge if the worst did happen. This way the only way I had left to protect myself.
"How are you feeling?" I asked breaking the silence after an age.
"Truthfully?" he asked sighing
"Truth gun" I said pointing my gun finger at him
"Not good, I'm feeling bad today….I can't focus and I'm getting the shakes" he said quietly.
"Can I ask you a question?" I said feeling bold in my naked state.
"Anything" he nodded, it was only then I noticed his pyjamas were soaked, I grabbed the waistband of them and helped him shimmy both his pyjamas and boxers down leaving him sitting as equally naked as me.
"The first day we met, and we went to that town" I started as he nodded for me to continue "you had been using then yes?" I asked. He nodded stiffly, looking everywhere but at me
"The day before, and then a little pick me up before we went for dinner and then that morning in Vegas" He admitted. It hurt to hear but I was proud of him for telling me
"I knew something was up that morning in Vegas, but I thought you said you didn't do it all the time" I asked
"Yeah…that is what I said" he laughed harshly "I have been using more recently I don't know why, so many things piling up on top of me"
"Kate?" that one word answered all questions
"I guess" he muttered "I'm so lost In all of this right now"
"You're a lost boy" I smiled nudging him
"Maybe Peter Pan will rescue me and take me to Neverland" he replied
"Oh you don't want that, Pan is Evil. He killed his lost boys when they got too old so they could never go home" I said shuddering
"What the hell kind of fairytales have you been reading?" he asked sceptically
"The real ones, trust me when I say Pan is a menace" I said laughing, easing some of the tension that had built up around us "When you use so much so frequently" I started, and he nodded for me to continue "Is that's why the comedown is so hard now?" I asked, curious,
"C'mon, we're going to see Josie" he said gently pulling me up avoiding the question "I have a craving for her pancakes"
"You sure?" I asked sceptically ignoring his diversion. He raised an eyebrow at me
"I'm sure I'm hungry, so we might as well get on it before I pass out again" he said flashing me a grin that didn't touch his eyes
"Right, well we should get clothes on and I think you need to wash some clothes soon, no offence but you're staring to smell" I said wrapping the towel round my body as I stood/
"Now you're just trying to be mean" he mumbled standing too.
"Sorry, you wanted me to be as normal as possible, tormenting you seemed like the norm between us" I said scrunching up my face to him
"Boo" he said pouting. I smiled at him quickly and let out a breath I had been holding in.
Sometimes it does help to just cry.
We quickly got dressed and walked out of the room hand in hand as always. There was something about him today something that made me happy and uneasy all in one go. He was acting like old Edward but there was something else too, almost like an edge. He didn't look well, he had began to get paler and his hair was becoming lifeless, but it was the eyes that hurt the most, he vibrant green was slowly losing its spark.
Was this the calm before the storm?
"Bella…you in there" he whispered caressing my cheek.
"I'm sorry I was out of it a little bit there. A lot on my mind I guess" I said shrugging.
"You shrug a lot you know, you should really come up with a better way of expressing yourself" he said smirking.
"Yeah ill remember that" I laughed, tucking myself into his side.
We walked the couple of blocks to the diner and stepped into the familiar smell of coffee and pancakes. As always Josie was standing there behind the counter, almost as if she was waiting for just us. Her face lit up when she saw us walk in together and she was quick to walk round the other side of the counter….To smack Edward upside the head.
"Ow Josie what the fuck" he growled. I cringed backwards, not the best way to say hello in his temperamental state. I was about to step in.
"Don't you swear at me boy, don't you just dare. Do you know the hell you put me through and now you put his poor girl through it too" She huffed.
"Josie really its fine" I said trying to calm the situation.
"No its not fine at all honey and he knows that. Don't you?" she said turning back to him "How it made me feel seeing you in here night after night killing yourself and for what! So you can end up as one of those in the gutter like so many others. You're better than that boy!" she said defeated
"Yeah okay don't you think I know that I screwed everything up and that I hurt everyone. Why should you care about me though I'm nobody to you" he said venomously
"You really think that you are nothing to me boy? You think that I sat here with you night after night for months because I didn't give a damn, I knew from the start what you were doing but if I said a word to you then you would have reacted worse than you are now" she huffed "Would you!?" she said poking him
"Okay okay I get it! I was acting like a dick, I still am, I'm sorry but Jesus Josie you hit really hard" He whined,
"Oh grow a pair and woman up! The road you got ahead of you the next few months you're gonna need to" She said folding her arms "Now pancakes and coffee coming right up" she said sauntering off.
I watched as Edward grabbed the back of his head where she had hit him and slumped down in a booth defeated. I walked over to where Josie was ringing up our order, her cats eye glasses were perched precariously on her nose and she looked up at me over them.
"You sure that wasn't overkill?" I asked softly handing her money.
"Sweetie, listen to me. I love that boy there but right now tough love is what he needs if he is going to get through this you cant relent at all on anything"
"I haven't relented on anything" I said shaking my head.
"You look like you're trying to convince yourself there" she said touching my hand
"I just hate seeing him in this state. I mean some times its great and were okay but other times he is all over the place. I know its not gonna be over in a few days and I hate myself for wishing it would all be done already but I cant help it. I'm not the type of person that can handle this stuff, I can barely handle my own stuff, its taking all my willpower to keep holding on" I said banging my head off the counter.
"It will take time but you will be there for him and you will get through this together" she said reassuringly "Now go sit down with him and ill bring your food over"
I smiled at her, silently thanking her before looking back over to our table, I knew it couldn't be a good sign, he was sitting there slumped in the corner, hood up over his head again. I walked back over carrying two glasses of milk.
"Have a nice chat about me did you?" he asked sarcastically
Here we go again
"Yes we did actually, and you're welcome I just bought your breakfast" I shot back
"Clearly I'm not mature enough to be included in a conversation about myself now am I?"
"When you talk to me like this and act like I have taken your toys away then no you're not mature enough ok" I spat back and focused all my attention on the menu. "Now stop being a child and drink your milk"
How I said that sentence with a straight face is beyond me.
"What did you get me?" he mumbled taking a sip of his milk
"Ill take that as a thank you, and I got you pancakes with maple syrup" I said folding my arms and looking out the window.
"Thank you" he said quietly after a beat, and stretched his arm out across the table to grab my hand. Reluctantly linked my fingers with him and gave him a small hint of a smile.
"Again?" he questioned
"Only a little but of a douche this time" I said shaking my head
"Only a little bit, must be getting better" he said quietly
"Yeah…Yeah you are" I whispered, both of us doubting every word I said.
Josie bought our food over a little white later and gave Edward a small hug. I think she was trying to let him know that she was okay with him and didn't want to kill him anymore. Oddly enough after she had done that Edward brightened a little bit, how odd that he would be as affected as he was from diner girl Josie.
"She was like family to me when I was living here" was his response when I asked him about it later on.
We stayed drinking coffee and talking for a while afterwards, anyone would think we were a normal couple on holiday but the inner turmoil we were feeling was stifling
"I want to take you somewhere" he said standing up once we finished our food.
"Okay…" I said apprehensively
"I'm not telling you where, it's a surprise. I just want to see your eyes light up like they used to before" he said holding out his hand. Without even questioning it I took his hand and after giving Josie a quick wave goodbye we walked back out onto the street. He looked more excited than I had seen him look in days as he dragged me down the street and towards the beach, the sun was shining and the sand felt warm on my toes, I had no issues with staying there all day, but Edward had others ideas.
"This is just a pit stop" he admitted "I used to love coming here and just people watching" he added
"Why here? Were you staring at all the half naked ladies?" I asked as we walked over to a small play area, we sat down on swings next to each other letting the breeze cool us
"Caught me, that's what I was getting up to" he laughed "Nah It was just such a relaxing place, I brought Kate once or twice but she got bored and wanted to go shopping someplace expensive" he said using air quoted around expensive "She said she didn't understand the significance with some sand and sea"
I nodded listening to his memories
"I'm sorry I brought her up" he said after a beat
"She is part of your past Edward and I understand that" I replied swinging myself absently "Not everything about me and Jake was horrendous, we had some pretty perfect moments, but the bad way it ended outweighs all of them and that's what I remember, is it that way with you" I asked but got no reply "Well if its any consolation, I love it here. There is something oddly peaceful about sitting here listening to the waves, it makes me feel very relaxed and clears my mind"
"Perfect" he sighed looking over at me "But now we have places to go" he said standing up pulling me along with him.
We walked for another fifteen minutes before he stopped proudly in front of a building, I looked up and saw that we were standing outside a market of some kind
"Edward?" I questioned
"This is the best vintage market in all of LA, I walked past it so many times but never came in, ka- I mean no one ever wanted to come and check it out" he rambled
"You can say her name you know" I signed "I'm not gonna get angry"
"Wasn't really her scene"
"Expensive taste?" I repeated, he nodded.
"They don't just sell clothes its everything, and some of the things in here go back to the fifties" he mumbled rubbing his neck "I dunno I just thought you might like it because you…I know you like your vintage things" he continued "Its stupid I know" he said giving me a pained smile. I cut him off with my lips pressed against his softly, this was the most romantic contact we had in days
"This is perfect" I told him honestly. It really was, this showed how much he cared and took the time to listen to me
"You like it?" he said perplexed
"I really do…can we go in?" I said bouncing on my heels.
"Lead the way my lady I will follow your lead" he said following me inside.
The place was a mismatch of clothes, nick nacks ,shoes, everything and anything and I was in awe of it all. I ran from stall to stall finding little treasures, I wanted it all but eventually I settled on a pair of beautiful red cats eye sunglasses, a pair of grey cowboy boots, a vintage Motley Crue t-shirt and a black pencil dress from the 80's. true to his word he followed me round the stalls watching me get excited about everything, I even convinced him to buy a worn black leather jacket which fit him in all the right places. Eventually, my feet began screaming and we made our way out and back onto the street.
"Thank you" I said as we walked down the street, I snuggled into his nook
"You are more than welcome, thank you for putting up with me and thank you for just…thanks" he whispered kissing my forehead
"Where to next?" I asked
"Lets just walk " he replied "we have all the time in the world" he sang softly holding me close
"Sing more often" I said ticking myself into his side
"I'm not the best" he muttered shyly
"You are to me" and in that moment I didn't care if we walked for eternity as long as I was tucked into his side just the way he was.
I will be updating again within the next two weeks and trust me when i say say things are getting a little more tense...Bella is right when she says this is the calm before the storm.
The lyrics that Edward sings to Bella are from Extraordinary Girl by Green Day
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Thank you xoxo
