Chapter 28: Ramifications
Neither of them had said more than a few short words since Sarek had come for her. Now, they entered his living room, and he shut the door for complete privacy.
"Would you agree to a chess match?" Sarek asked. Amanda stared at him.
"Sarek, now is hardly an appropriate time for playing a game." she said, crossing her arms over her chest. Sarek turned toward the board that sat on a small table.
"Chess enables me to focus when I am..." Sarek stopped. He had almost said 'upset'. He was becoming too accustomed to her ways of speech. "Discontented." he finished. He turned back to her.
"Fine." she said. "If it helps you..."
He knew it would. Chess required one to think logically- it made it easier for him to repress emotions and keep his thought processes clear while conducting a particularly difficult conversation, such as the one he knew they were about to have.
He seated himself in a chair, and she sat across from him. He considered for a moment, and made his first move on the board. Then, he spoke.
"You are not incorrect. This article presents a problem." he said.
"Everyone thinks you choked me, Sarek. 'Problem' isn't quite a strong enough word." Amanda said bitterly, and moved her knight.
"Perhaps not, but labeling the severity of the issue does not decrease it." Sarek replied. "And the fact that the readers will think I abused you is not the issue, either."
"Oh, it's not?" Amanda asked sarcastically. Sarek looked up at her from the board.
"It is not. The 'evidence' can be easily refuted if an investigation is begun. The real issue is how this will affect us afterward."
"I can deal with stares and whispers. It's you I'm worried about. And...if the article is proven wrong, how is it still a problem?"
Sarek found that he was filled with affection for her when she said she was worried about him instead of herself. He extended his hand, and their fingers met across the table in the ozh'esta. He shared the tender feelings before responding.
"One of the many things I have learned about humans since my arrival on Earth six months ago, is that they do not always believe logical evidence when it is presented to them. I am certain that, even if their suspicions are proven wrong, they will continue to think ill of me- and they will continue to consider you a victim. That image is sealed in their minds. They will not believe the truth when it comes out. This will not only foster negative public views on our relationship in the future, but it will also affect my diplomatic relations. I will no longer be trusted by Terrans.
"Although the High Council will know the truth about this situation, I will still have created negative publicity- not only for myself, but for Vulcan. I represent them, and my actions could damage the Federation's relationship with my planet- it does not matter whether I am guilty of the accusations or not. Because I have acted so carelessly, the High Council will undoubtedly be displeased."
"And what will happen if they're displeased?" she asked, and withdrew her fingers from his to sever the empathic link. She swallowed hard, her eyes lowered- refusing to look up at him.
"I do not yet know. As humans say...only time will tell." Sarek replied. "I believe that they will receive word of the editorial tomorrow- and then they must make a decision. I do not know when they will contact me, although I am certain that they will. As for what they will decide...I cannot speak for them, and I will not even attempt to form a hypothesis."
"So basically, you're not going to do anything about this until they get involved?" she asked slowly, brow furrowed.
"There is nothing I can do. It is your turn, Amanda." he said, gesturing to the board. She sighed heavily, and made a hasty move.
"We could...I don't know...go public, and tell them ourselves that it wasn't abuse." she said irritably.
"They will not believe you. They will only think that I pressured you into a public statement. And it will not change the fact that the editorial was written, and the representative of Vulcan was publicly accused of violence. The situation with the Council would remain the same. It would be best to allow them to handle it- I am sure that they will acquiesce to an investigation, as the article demanded, and we have nothing to concern ourselves with there. If they do not, diplomatic ties would be further strained between Vulcan and Earth."
Sarek studied Amanda, who seemed to be even more upset. She was biting her lip again- always a sign of distress- and her hands were clenched.
"I just can't believe they could misconstrue the situation so badly." she said.
"Their evidence, while circumstantial, would be believable to the readers. The mark on your neck, when partially covered by your clothing, could resemble a bruise formed by asphyxiation. Their speculation was not without reason."
"But their speculation is wrong!" she snapped. "Leave it to reporters to completely mess up the facts to make a story!"
"I do find their assumptions to be unsettling." Sarek agreed. "All they had to base them on was one photograph. A Vulcan would not have dared to write such an accusatory article with such little evidence- if they would dare to write one at all."
They did not speak for a few minutes- they were still playing chess, although he noticed that Amanda was playing even more carelessly and poorly than ever before. Apparently, she did not find the game to be as calming as he did. And he did need to be calmed- he was raging on the inside. This entire situation was distressing to them both. He was angry, and maybe even a little afraid of what may happen to them. He did not tell her so, but he did have an idea of what the Council would do. He did not wish to worry her further- not until he was certain.
"How is this going to be handled, though? How will we disprove it?" Amanda finally asked. She was watching him anxiously, and he met her eyes.
"Vulcans have ways, Amanda- ways that are guaranteed to prove the truth. If the High Council launches an investigation, a Vulcan will be conducting it."
"And why would they launch an investigation at all? This biting thing of yours...don't all Vulcans do it? They ought to know what the bruise is."
"This 'biting thing' is known to every Vulcan, yes- but it is not known to outsiders. This is because it demonstrates a certain lack of control- it is difficult to resist the urge, as you have found. It is natural to us. But if it were to become common knowledge to Terrans, we would find it an intrusion into our privacy. As such, we cannot simply state it to be a bite mark- it would raise questions. This investigation may not be necessary to find the truth, but it has been publicly called for."
"So, it's basically just to appease the Federation?" she asked.
"Yes." They were again quiet for a few moments, then Sarek was the one to break the silence. "Amanda, I must take blame for this incident. I marked you too high."
"So you don't feel guilty for marking me?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. "Just for doing it too high and getting caught?"
"As I have said, marking is natural to me. I cannot feel guilt for something that is natural. I also know that you did not entirely dislike it, so I will not concern myself with that." he said, raising his eyebrows at her. "And I hope you do not feel guilty for marking me- I found it pleasing, as well."
"That much is obvious." she was smiling now, which pleased him almost as much as the biting had. "But I should have been more careful to not let it be seen." she added.
"You took as much care as possible. You wore clothing that concealed the marks, and left your hair down- it was an unfortunate combination of circumstances that revealed it."
Amanda sighed, and looked past him, her eyes slightly unfocused. "We can never catch a break, can we?" she asked sadly. "First, the whole thing with the exposure, and the subsequent events with T'Pau and the Council. Then...Monday, which we both know shouldn't have happened." A blush crept up into her cheeks, which he found interesting. Was that due to embarrassment, or arousal at certain memories? "Then this. Are we ever going to be truly happy? Will we ever be allowed to be?"
He did not reply- because he was not sure. They did, indeed, seem to encounter obstacles far more often than other couples.
Amanda was looking at the board again, and he took the opportunity to study her. She was as lovely as ever- her chestnut-brown hair framing her face, her brown eyes downturned, the corners of her lips tugged into a frown. She seemed...sad. He wasn't sure what it was about her appearance that could make it so, but it was true. She looked like she carried a heavy weight on her shoulders. He wanted to take it from her, and place it on himself...but he did not know how.
Their relationship had never been simple. Both of them had made great sacrifices...she could have easily not bothered with him, and her life would have been so much easier. She could have found a human mate, had a relationship that was uncomplicated...she could have children, and a thoroughly happy life. Instead, she had opted for him- even knowing that there was a possibility they may not be able to reproduce, and knowing that their life could never be easy, because of who and what they were. She was so willing to endure his ways...because she loved him. There were so many times that she could have ended this, and he would have allowed it because it was what she wanted- and yet she had fought for it.
He had made sacrifices, as well. A logical mate would have been far simpler for him, just as a human would have been for her. He would not have been forced to adjust to human ways, which he had done for Amanda. Early on in their relationship, it had been incredibly difficult for him to become accustomed to touching her. From the merest brush of their fingers, to kissing, he had once been reluctant to do even those. It had taken practice. Sometimes, he still hesitated.
He had been forced to deal with bouts of illogic from Amanda, as well- something he would never have had to concern himself with if he had chosen a Vulcan mate. It was often wearing, he could admit- but he was becoming used to her emotionalism. He could even go so far as to say that it was one of the traits that endeared her to him. He could not smile and laugh- but she could. He expressed his joy vicariously through her.
This relationship was a challenge for him- it always had been, and possibly always would be. Perhaps that was why he was so willing to endure their hardships. He was not one to turn down a challenge, or give up on it- and neither was she. Whether it was T'Pau and the Council interfering, or his own lust for her consuming him and driving him to take her in every way imaginable, or this- the largest obstacle that could ever come between them...except for one other that he could not control, and she was still unaware of.
"Amanda." Sarek said quietly. She looked up at him- brown eyes meeting black. "There is something I must tell you. It was...wrong of me, to keep it from you this long."
"Is this...what you kept from me when we discussed secrecy in the hover-car?" she asked uncertainly.
"Yes. This is the last, the most important secret that I have not imparted to you. It is the one most likely to influence your decision to bond with me."
She leaned back in her chair, hands folded in her lap- listening attentively.
"Tell me, Sarek." she said softly.
"This article...it did mention something that we should be concerned about. The exact quote is 'He is three times stronger than any human. He could do unimaginable damage. And this advantage over her makes it even more despicable'."
"Sarek, if this is about sex...honestly, I handled Monday pretty well. I think I could handle it in the future, too. You need to stop worrying about that." her lips were twitching into a small, sly smile. This triggered a sudden stream of memories in his mind- him tearing off her shirt as her hands worked at the fastenings of his pants...lips and tongues and teeth clashing in their eagerness...she laying beneath him, then later sitting astride him...the way her voice sounded as she chanted his name like a mantra...
He shoved the memories away and forced his attention back to the situation at hand. It was not an unusual occurrence lately for these memories to come to the surface, but it frustrated him each time, as he desperately did not want to think about that heated afternoon. Especially when he was trying to tell her something as important as this.
"I am not finished, Amanda." Sarek said. They had abandoned their chess match now. He leaned forward, his hands folded together on the table before him, his eyes trained on hers as he spoke. "This is related to sexual matters, yes- but not in the way you are thinking of. This is difficult for me to speak of...as it is a very private issue, not even discussed amongst Vulcans. But I must tell you- as it may concern you in the future, you have a right to know."
He paused, gathering his thoughts. Then he resumed, her eyes still intently on his.
"There comes a time, every seven years in a Vulcan's adult life, in which they must mate. It is called...Pon Farr." he nearly cringed as he said the words- he had not had to speak them in a long, long time. "The mating time." he clarified, and then paused again, letting her absorb these words.
"And?" she prompted. "I don't get it. So you have to have sex every seven years. If we bond, that won't be an issue. I sure as hell hope we would have sex more often than that."
"There is more, Amanda. During this time, massive amounts of adrenaline will be released into my system. I will lose all inhibitions and control over my body. I must mate...or my own body will betray me, and will cease to function. But if I sate my fire with you, I would be unable to control my strength- and you cannot deny that you are physically weaker than I am. It would be different from Monday- when I was still able to contain myself. This could be extremely dangerous for you. I could even kill you unintentionally."
She did not look away from him, but when he fell silent she did not respond. Her face was curiously blank- and he longed to know what she was thinking, or even feeling- but the link was currently in its nearly-nonexistent state, and he could not open it. It was frustrating...a full bond would be so much simpler to operate.
"Amanda?" he questioned after a full minute had passed.
"So you're saying...every seven years you could possibly kill me because you can't control yourself." she repeated. "And if you don't mate, you'll die." He was unsure as to why she was repeating his words- it was as if she were hoping she had misheard him, although he knew her hearing was unimpaired, and he had spoken quite clearly.
"That is what I said." he replied, watching her closely- his heart thudded sickeningly fast in his side. What if this deterred her entirely?
"I...I don't know what to think about that." she said, and finally looked away from him. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"As I said, it is a very private issue. I know I should have told you sooner than this- but I was...concerned...that you would reject me because of it. So I foolishly delayed."
"When is your next Pon Farr?" she asked. He felt hopeful...perhaps she would not let it hinder her, after all?
"Over one year from now." he replied.
She looked down at her hands, biting her lip again.
"I don't know what I expected you to tell me, but this definitely wasn't it." she said quietly.
"I am sure that it is difficult for you. But I am telling you this now for a reason, Amanda." Sarek said. She looked back up at him.
"What reason?" she asked. He looked at her for a few seconds before replying- he realized that he was nervous. He wasn't sure what her response would be. He had not planned to say this- not even while he told her about Pon Farr. But he knew that it was time, even if he was not entirely prepared...
"This article has created a dilemma. I do not yet know how this will affect my standing- but I do know that you will face more difficulties in the future. It was my intention to wait longer for this, and to give you more time. But...we do not know what lies in our near future- there may be little time left. You must decide whether or not you are ready to fully commit to me. We have both known from the beginning of this courtship that this was our goal, even if we have only mentioned it in passing conversation and never made it official. Now that you have all the facts that are of importance to consider in your decision...you must make it."
She looked at him calmly. She understood his meaning- he knew this from her increased heart rate. She was nervous- or was it something else?
"I do not require an answer at this time." Sarek continued quietly. "I want you to consider it carefully. But this cannot wait long- not when our situation is so uncertain. There is every possibility that I may not remain on Earth much longer. If I must leave, I would prefer to know where we stand. You must keep in mind, however...there are difficulties ahead. Pon Farr, as well as the ramifications of this article, which I do not believe will ever fully go away. And there will be other obstacles. I do not wish for you to enter into anything when you have doubts- and I do not wish for you to enter into it out of a sense of obligation, either. This decision is yours, Amanda. I will accept it, whatever your answer is."
It was thirty-two seconds before she said anything.
"Is this a proposal?" she asked, giving a small smile.
"It is not the way I had planned to ask you to bond with me, but yes." he replied quietly.
"Do you have logical reasons for this proposal?" she asked.
"I have logical reasons for everything I do, Amanda."
"What about illogical reasons?" she asked. His eyes met hers, and held the gaze.
"You know I do." he replied.
She continued to look at him. Then she looked down and took a breath.
"You could have been a little more romantic." she said, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "But I'll think about it."
"If at all possible...please make a logical decision." he said. She laughed.
"I'm only human."
"Amanda, I am not attempting to make you laugh. To make an emotional decision in this circumstance would not be wise." he said sternly. She stopped laughing, and suddenly she was much more serious. "There are things you must consider that could be detrimental to your health- and to your happiness. I do not want you to make a decision in haste that you will later regret. If you accept, there will be no backing out."
She cleared her throat and leaned forward. "I'll try, Sarek. But I'm just not as good as you are at that."
"I know, but I also know that you are an intelligent woman, and very capable of making rational decisions when called upon to." he said. He had an urge to reach out and take her hand- and he supposed he could have. They were comfortable with one another, after all, and it was not as if he had never done such a thing before. But somehow...he couldn't bring himself to do it. He had not had any sort of physical contact with her since Monday, other than brief touches of their hands and when they had joined in the ozh'esta earlier. Showing affection had gotten them into this convoluted state of affairs. Perhaps he thought that even something so innocent as hand-holding would compromise his judgment- and considering the thoughts he had been having about her since Monday...it was very possible.
"I'll try my best." Amanda said, her voice low. They looked at one another for several long seconds.
"I believe that we have discussed all that needed to be addressed." Sarek finally said. Amanda nodded, again looking away from him.
"Yes, I agree." she said. "I know you'll invite me to stay here today, so we can have dinner, but I really think I should go. I need to start some serious thinking- and it needs to be done in private." she added, standing. He stood, also. She was correct- he had been about to offer. But he was relieved that she had declined before he even asked. He wasn't sure he could contain himself if he was alone with her all day.
"I will take you home." he said, moving toward the door. As he led her out to the hover-car, he wondered how she had managed to captivate him so much as to make it nearly impossible for him to think of anything but her- and now, of his desire for her, which, instead of being dampened by Monday's satiation, was only made stronger. But he must control it. It could not control him- not again.
He knew it was extremely selfish of him, given what was at stake...but part of him was grateful that humans were virtually incapable of making decisions that were unaffected by emotion.
A/N: Sounds like Amanda has a LOT to think about.
And...if you want an early Christmas present, go look up 'A Gift For You' by TheSouthernScribe. It's a collaborative story with a few different authors- the third chapter is my Christmas contribution, and it features Sarek, Amanda...and someone else :D
