HIDAN WAS HERE. M FOR SWEARING AND SEXUAL REFERENCES. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
There you are. . .
No one is around. . .
Deidara is at the park. . .
Madara disappeared 2 hours ago. . .
And everyone else is outside in the freakin' cold. . .
You're mine now. . .
With stunning grace, I moved towards my target. A plate of pancakes, with heavy maple syrup and strawberries on the side.
You see, if you can live through breakfast at my house, you can do anything. Between my brother yelling, swearing, and making very pathetic threats; my sister whining; Deidara doing something juvenile and inappropriate to freak out everyone else; Madara stabbing his food with a kunai and eating like a feral numskull; and me grinning like a hyena for no apparent reason; it's enough to drive the mentally insane sane just so they can leave before their heads split open.
And so, I did the impossible and waited until everyone was done/gone, and made my own breakfast. Mine and no one else's.
Approaching the plate with a knife and fork in a seemingly-lethal manner, I stabbed a pancake. Damn. I forget the milk. Sighing, I went back to the kitchen, poured myself some milk, and nearly tore the table in half when I got there.
Someone took my pancakes.
I glared around the room, ready to kill the perpetrator. I saw no one in sight, but could still smell my pancakes. I followed the scent to my brother's room, and raised the fork. Peeking in, I saw the culprit and almost screamed.
"Hey. These are fucking good pancakes!" I stared in annoyance as Hidan stuffed his face with my breakfast. I got ready to lunge and take back what little there was left, when he shoved a note in my hands. It was blotched in maple syrup and some weird unidentified black powder, which almost ruined the writing.
He's driving me insane. Take him for the day and I swear I'll compensate.
- Madara
Wow, he's getting better at englis- wait, the whole day? Who does he think I am, a freakin' miracle worker?
I looked upwards to my horror. He ate all the pancakes. JASHIN, HOW DID HE EAT THOSE IN LIKE 30 SECONDS? I clenched my jaw.
"You're cleaning that." He looked at me, and scowled.
"Why the hell should I listen to you?" Uh, no. My house, my rules you juvenile prick.
"Because you took my fucking pancakes, and your boss sent you here. Under my care. So you're listening to me you juvenile prick."
"Heh, why don't you make me, bitch?" Remember my anger issues? Remember the epic Mada death lunge? He doesn't. I tackled the mother fucker, breaking the plate in the process, and wreselted him to the ground. He was surprised at first, but flipped over and pinned me. Dude, he has fucking muscle! He looked pissed, then grinned because he was on top of me.
"Get off me."
"What if I don't want to?"
"You're going to or I'm going to castrate you with the knife in my hand." He made the "WTF?" face he's famous for, then slowly got off. I then went back to the kitchen to make more pancakes, while keeping an eye on him. He walked around the living room, then faced me.
"You know you're no fucking fun, right? You hang out with that idiot Tobi too much." I rolled my eyes.
"And what's your definition of 'fun'?"
"Uh, not fucking freaking when someone's just joking?"
"Mine is-"
"Yours is acting like a spastic idiot. It's why Tobi only hangs with you and the creepy fucking man-plant Zetsu." I frowned. While he was missing details, he was kind of right.
"So what?"
"We're going to have fun today." I thought bad thoughts for a moment. My thoughts were evidently plastered on my face.
"Not fucking making out! Not unless you want to. . ." I glared at him and he stopped.
"No. Fucking. Fun." Frowning again, I replied slowly so I remembered what I said later. I probably would have to.
"Fine. We'll have 'fun' today." I didn't even have time to eat. He grabbed my arm and dragged me out into the cold November day.
'Fun?' like hell. All we did was go around and get into brawls with any random person we knocked into. They always got their asses kicked, so unless you're blood thirsty(Like our oh so loved religious idiot), it was no fun.
Going back to the apartment at like, 4:30 p.m., I had the best idea EVER.
What is more addicting than crack, has different things to do for all ages, and will keep a hyperactive, psychotic cultist busy for hours? One simple, genius thing:
The internet.
I sat him down, flipped on the screen, and showed him how to work it.
"What the hell am I supposed to do on this fucking thing?" I groaned. He still didn't get it.
"Anything. Just keep occupied until your boss gets back."
"What if I don't?"
"I'll bribe you." He stopped, and thought. He chewed on his nail, which would have looked thoughtful, then I realized he was gnawing on it, which was just gross.
"With what?"
"Wait here." I ran to my room. I felt depressed, my last remaining bit of sanity was going to cost me. Madara is so fucking dead when he gets back. . .
"Here you oversize toddler." I handed him a bag of peach candy. Which was my last one, and my favorite. Oh yes, Madara is going to compensate. Bet Hidan's ass on it.
"Bribe accepted." He turned to the computer screen and chomped on my precious candy. I wanted to cry! It was 4:30 p.m. now, so I dropped on the couch, stretched, and turned on Sponge Bob. It was the episode where Sponge Bob ad Patrick gets the invisibility spray and pretend to be ghosts with it, and end up naked in front of the whole town. I didn't realize I had been sleeping until I woke up. Nothing seemed out of place; Hidan was thankfully still occupied. I sighed, and closed my eyes again. I drifted, but woke up at a weird sound from Hidan's direction. I got up as silently as I could, and crept up behind him.
"Hehe. . ." I looked past his shoulder, and screamed.
"YOU'RE WATCHING PORN? ! ? ! ISN'T THAT AGAINST YOUR RELIGION? ! ? ! PERVERT!" I caught him off guard. He jumped, and landed in the laundry basket. I yanked the cord to the computer, and turned to him.
"I CAN WATCH WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT! YOU SAID SO YOURSELF BITCH!" That's it! I tackled the mother fucker and strangled him, without recourse to what might happen, because I didn't fucking care. He was watching porn on my computer! EW!
We began to halfheartedly attempt to kill each other, and I nearly had a kunai to his throat when the door banged open. There stood Tobi (Madara), Zetsu, and Pain in the front. Pain stood as emotionless as ever (Or more emo than Sasuke if you tilt your head 40 degrees to the left and squint.) He gave a sigh, and walked in.
"I still don't understand why you needed an escort Tobi."
"Oh yeah! Tobi wanted Sir Leader to talk to Chelsea chan!" I furrowed my eyebrows, shoved Hidan away, and downheartedly tried not to attack 'Tobi'.
"Yes, I suppose." He turned to me, which seriously sent chills up my spine. I kept my composure, and avoided direct eye contact.
"Under the circumstances of relation to one or more existing Akatsuki members, and your loyalty by aiding in several missions; you are being added as an Akatsuki affiliate. You do not have an option due to your relationships with said members. We will contact you weekly for information about law enforcement in this area and you will also be contacted by us if we require your assistance. . . " (I zoned out after this.) He looked finished after about 15 minutes of talking like a drone, then walked out. Zetsu dragged Hidan out, leaving me and Madara. I turned to him calmly.
"You owe me big time. I'm still deciding what I want." He 'hmphed', and slowly nodded before removing his mask.
"Duly noted. Anyways, Deidara will be absent for a week or so. On a mission to Mist country."
"Alright. I'm taking a nap, see you later." I headed towards my room. When I take a nap, it's in your best interests not to bug me. If you do, get ready for a fireball aimed at your head. I almost reached the door when I got hugged from behind. I yelped, but just got held tighter.
"I really am sorry. We'll do something fun tomorrow, alright?"
"No offense sensei, but I don't want to hear the word 'fun' at least until Deidara gets back."
(Note: Special notice to XxSwallowxX, because they made a very sweet review and got my procrastinating ass back in motion. I have two chapters of a new fic up, "Three Uchiha"; I'd love it if some of you could read and review. :3
I love all my reviewers and favers; so to commemorate this hella-long fic, I'll do five oneshots. I'll do yaoi, but not m-rated lemon shizz. First come, first serve.)
