The song in this chapter is Shame by Stabbing Westward

Chapter 28

It All Comes Out

The tour was almost over when Kwest found Tommy at the hotel bar late one night. He had been meaning to check on him, but was usually busy with his own work or he was unable to find Tommy. Tommy sat on the high back stool and stared at the bottles lining the wall, barely acknowledging his friend. Kwest sat down beside him and ordered a beer.

"What's wrong with you man?" Kwest had noticed the women, the drinking and the rumors of harder stuff Tommy had gotten into.

"How do you forget?" Tommy swirled the amber liquid around in his glass, before taking a healthy swallow. Kwest figured he was talking about the accident, until Tommy spoke his next words.

"I miss her." Kwest knew immediately who Tommy was talking about and it wasn't his soon to be ex-wife.

"If you miss her why don't you talk to her?"

"Kwest it's been months. She forgot me the minute the tour was over. She didn't even call me when I was in the hospital." Kwest could not believe Tommy would really think that. Jude had been crying so hard, when she had heard about the accident Sadie had had to take the phone. Of course Tommy didn't know that...Some promises were made to be broken.

"T. there's something I need to tell you." Tommy gave him a bleak look. "When you had your accident, Jude called me as soon as she found out. She went right back to the airport ready to take the next flight out..."

"Then why didn't she?"

"She called me before the flight. That's when you woke up...Once she knew you'd be okay...She called me every day until you were out of the hospital man." Tommy sucked in his breath imagining what would have happened if she had come back. Would he still be here? Or would he have had the courage to finally do what he really wanted?

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"She asked me not to. You were still with Portia T. Besides I thought you would have figured it out. Didn't you heard that single she released?" Tommy shook his head. I Still Love you had been released before they had left for this tour. Kwest frowned. Tommy should have heard it.

"I can't listen to her voice..." Kwest shook his head in disbelief.

"You two really are meant for each other, both stubborn asses." Tommy looked at his friend wondering why he was attacking him all of a sudden. "T. the title of the song is I Still Love You." Tommy asked if Kwest had a copy and quickly followed Kwest to his room to take his I-Pod.

Acceptance

Tommy sank onto the sofa ins his hotel room, before he let himself listen. His eyes closed as he hit repeat and let her voice melt away the pain he had been carrying for so long. He finally accepted that she loved him, no matter what, flaws and all. He knew then that she wouldn't stop loving him. Later as his emotions calmed a little he knew he had to respond to her song. As always she was his best inspiration, when his hand found the pen and he started to write. He sat in his hotel room and let himself feel everything he had denied for so long. He felt the guilt and longing that had become a part of him and was ready to let it all free. Everything became more real, more alive as he thought of her now.

The song he came up was simple and to the point. Tommy hoped someday she would hear it.

I only see myself reflected in your eyes
So all that I believe I am essentially are lies
And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
Died with your belief in me so who that hell am I?

I don't know if I am real without
What is left of me without you
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you

I'm wandering 'round confused
Wondering why I try
The more that you deny my pain
The more it intensifies...

I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you...
If you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to

I don't know if I am real without you
What is left of me without you
I don't know what's real without you
How can I exist without you

I stare into this mirror
So tired of this life
If only you would speak to me or cared if I'm alive

Once I swore I would die for you
I never meant like this
No I never meant like this
No I never meant like this

I don't know if I'm real without you
What is left of me without you
I don't know what's real without you

How can I exist without you
How can I exist without you
How can I exist without you

She's Not For You

Spied watched Jamie's face as he watched Jude do her interview. Jude had invited them along, having planned on hanging with them afterwards. The look of longing and hope gave him away. He was in love with Jude, again. Spied found himself trying to head Jamie off, even though he knew it was probably a lost cause.

"Don't do this Jamie." Spied said, causing his friend to look at him in puzzlement.

"Do what?"

"Don't fall for her again. She's not the same girl you used to know." After Tommy, Jude would never be content with any relationship Jamie could offer. She needed someone who had the kind of intensity she possessed.

"What you want her for yourself?" Jamie asked scornfully, jealousy coloring his words because he couldn't help but see how close Spied and Jude had become after the tour.

"It's not like that Jamie. She can't give you what you want." Jamie frowned as he watched her flirt with the interviewer.

She was different he had noticed, and it wasn't the hair because she had been blond way before she became a redhead. It was like some infinitesimal part of her personality had come upon an immovable object and had bent to fit it. The fan boys and men that looked upon her as a sexual object phased her not in the least, and some of them had even been amazingly good looking. It was as if she was more comfortable in her own skin, accepting her sexuality and using it when it suited her purposes, although never on him. She could flirt shamelessly without batting an eyelash, with any number of men, whereas before she had no awareness of how guys saw her. Now she seemed to know and didn't seem to care. What had happened to Jude on tour? What man could possibly have left such a deep imprint on her psyche in such a brief period of time?

We're Done

The tour was over and last night Tommy had told his band they were over too. There had been questions and threats, but he let them slide off his back. He wasn't worried about losing the fame anymore, because he didn't think anything could be worse than losing her. As they sat around the V.I.P. Lounge of the airport, he far away from Boyz Attack, he felt lighter somehow. He was glad to be going home. As soon as he got there he would ask the band publicist to release a statement of his separation from Portia. He had to get things right this time.

As Tommy sat in his plush seat in first class, flying home from Thailand, he looked out the into the inky darkness of night. He should have been ecstatic, should have felt unburdened because now he was sure she had cared, had loved him. He had the freedom to find her again, without doubts weighing him down. But her words continued to haunt him. Married men don't have girlfriends Tommy... just mistresses and whores. He remembered the pain in her voice and in her eyes and it still twisted his guts into knots. This would be the hardest thing he had ever done in his life, but she deserved all of him and until he could offer that he would not risk hurting her again.

Lunch and the Former Boy Bander

Jude was singing in the sound booth when she felt someone watching her. Her eyes widened in surprise as she stared at the man she had not seen in almost half a year. He had the same cocky attitude as he grinned at her and motioned her to come out. She took her headphones off and greeted him in the hallway. The interns looked on with interest, of course they all knew who he was.

"What evil wind brings you into town?" She teased. He shook his head.

"Same old Jude. You look good." He said as he took in her tight red tank top and tight jeans with a familiar glint in his eye. Jude rolled her eyes in response.

"Same old Chaz." They both smiled.

"So I thought I could take you out for lunch." She thought about it for a moment and nodded. There was no reason they couldn't hang out anymore.

He took her to a nice restaurant that she felt under dressed in, but the staff was all effusive smiles and warm welcomes. She still could not get used to his level of fame. Sure she had some of her own, but it wasn't nearly like this.

"You never answered my question. What brings you to town?"

"You..." She placed the glass of water she had been about to sip from back on the table.

"What?"

"Relax I had some free time, so I've been kicking around Canada." She looked at him in puzzlement.

"Tommy wanted a break from the band." None of the members of Boyz Attack had been convinced that Tommy had really quit. He would come back soon enough and in the mean time they all had the vacation they had needed. Jude froze in shock. He had left Boyz Attack. But why now? She turned her eyes back on Chaz trying to catch the thread of his conversation.

"You didn't hear a single thing I just said did you?" Jude looked a little embarrassed as she shook her head. "I asked if you were seeing anyone." She sighed and thought 'here we go again.'

"No...But..." Chaz looked at her and shook his head.

"But you're not ready to start dating again?" He had never had this particular sentence directed at him before, but he could guess just from the look in her big blue eyes.

"I have a lot of stuff going on right now." He nodded accepting her words. The truth was if it had been important enough to her, nothing would have stood in her way of doing what she wanted. She was simply a lost cause, but he had had to try one last time. He delivered her back to G-Major with smiles and laughter. They had had a good time together and Jude found she liked him, even if he was a player, he was honest about it.