Because I Love You
He knew that he shouldn't have pulled away. No, that was his heart speaking. He had pulled back too late. But that wasn't right either. Roman swallowed hard past the lump in his throat as he found himself hopelessly lost in Ruby's eyes. Her silver irises burned with an unbridled rage, effectively petrifying him at the door and stealing his voice before he could cough out an excuse for his actions—not that he had any sort of valid reason for them in the first place. After the silence stood long enough to distance them, she broke away, turning back to the discarded pieces of her uniform and collecting them as every muscle in his body locked in place at the door.
"I can't believe that I let you fool me," she continued as she began to pull her skirt back up to her hips. "I just went along for the ride, like always. I bet that's your favorite part isn't it?"
"Ruby…"
"You play pretend and I'm so naïve that I play along. There's no war in Vale, there were no bombings, Russell isn't dead, Pyrrha was never in the hospital, you aren't who you are and I didn't walk away three days ago! Just play the game, and nothing bad ever happened!"
Roman averted his eyes as Ruby pulled the nightgown over her head and reached for her blouse. "Ruby, that's not—"
"'That's not' what? That's not what this is? Is there something I was missing somewhere?!" she yanked her blouse back onto her arms and buttoned it as quickly as she could. "What, do you have some other reason for why if I step too close to you, you look like you want to escape? For why you have never answered me when I say I love you?!"
"Ruby, please…" Roman felt as if he was being strangled, as if his chest was being compressed under a ton of bricks, as if the very world beneath him had grown unsteady as his entire body started to tremble.
"If it's not a game, then what is it? Why can't I get close to you? Why do you always look so ready to run?" Ruby grabbed the remainder of her uniform and flung it over her arm, the nightgown all but abandoned on the fitting room bench as she started towards him. "Why do you keep pulling away?"
Roman stared at her as his tongue glued itself to the top of his mouth, his breath barely passing as any level of normal as he tried desperately to find an answer that he knew how to explain. He was silent for too long—Ruby's hopeful gaze had abandoned him.
"I'm wasting my time," she muttered bitterly as grabbed the doorknob from him and forced her way out of the fitting room. As she stormed away, Roman felt his muscles unlock, and he followed her before he could give himself time to consider another option.
"Ruby, wait—"
"Sorry, I'm sure you'd love to play house a little longer but I have the tail end of a movie to catch. You know, with the people I was going spend my birthday with?"
"Ruby, please don't—"
"You know I pretty much abandoned them at the theater when I fell for your little act. I was so excited about the possibility that something was different but that wasn't the case, was it? You just want to make sure that someone's still sitting in the burning wreckage when you finally decide to jump ship!"
"Would you let me explain?!" Roman finally shouted as he caught Ruby by the wrist outside the clothing store. She turned on her heels so quickly that he didn't have a second to catch his breath.
"EXPLAIN WHAT?!" she bellowed. Her chest heaved up and down as she glared at him, and he shrunk back as he realized that he had nothing readily available to combat that with. He knew why he was running, he knew every reason for why he kept running even when he wanted to stay. But the answers glued themselves to the roof of his mouth, they stuck to the sides of throat and caught on the tip of his tongue. No one had ever asked him why he kept running. No one had ever let him run either. Roman let out a shuddered gasp as he stared at Ruby's enraged expression, his features marred with every bit of fear he felt.
"Please…please stay…" he managed to whisper, he voice hoarse as he pleaded with her.
Her glare barely softened, and she hesitated only a moment before she continued with a softer volume. "Don't beg me to stay if you can't bring yourself to…"
"Ruby—"
"Why don't you understand that I wouldn't be here, right now, if I didn't want to stay…?" she let out a shaky breath as he pressed his hands against her cheeks, but she pulled back before he could wrap his arms around her. "Please, Roman…please…just give me a reason to stay…give me a reason because loving you—loving you was the reason I left…"
Ruby stared at him a moment longer, the rage in her visage mellowing out as her eyes started water and her lips started to tremble. He felt his breath leaving him in shallow gasps as his fear paralyzed him where he stood, and Ruby backed away before he could compose himself enough to stop her. She turned her back to him and sped away, her semblance leaving nothing more than a trail of rose petals where she had once stood. He stared at the trail as his heart hammered against his chest and caused him pain that refused to go numb. He was lost again. He was lost somewhere between his heart and his mind and there was no way out of it that he could see. He felt like he was drowning.
"Well, that probably could have gone better."
Roman snapped back to reality and swerved to his left, where the familiar voice found its home in a ridiculously tall man with cropped black hair and a thick beard to match.
"…Hei."
oooOOOooo
Ruby felt like an idiot. She should have known better. She should have caught on quicker, and yet it had taken her all night. Perhaps that was why she had snapped so viciously. She'd flung herself into such an enormous fit of rage…and had said so many awful things. She already regretted it; regardless of whether or not her anger had been warranted, she'd said a fair number of unforgiveable things to Roman without thinking. She'd faltered upon making it outside the mall, every malicious thing that she'd said, all the pain that she'd been masking pushed forward, and she'd fallen apart at the seams.
Ruby had staggered to a back alley and slumped down on the wall, letting her tears take over as she sobbed rather pathetically into her hood. She thought about returning to the movie theater, but after asking Pyrrha to cover for her so cheerfully, she didn't want to worry them by returning in such a broken state. She was still scared of losing him, almost more now that she'd spent the night with him. She leaned her head back against the alley wall and tried…as hard as she could…to convince herself that this was necessary. That she couldn't stay if he kept running. That this was all that she could have done.
"You know, I never expected you to leave the way you did."
Ruby's eyes widened as her gaze flew back to the wall in front of her to find Roman, still clad in his somewhat overdone biker disguise. He dug a cigarette out of one his pockets and started fishing around for his lighter. She felt colder still, and before she could stop it, she felt her icy temperament leaving her body in the form of a callous remark.
"Didn't think I had it in me?"
"Hardly," he muttered as he finally located his lighter. "Leaving is easy. Anyone can walk away. It's staying that's difficult. I always thought that you would do everything that you could think of before giving me up. Thought that you were determined to make this train wreck work even if it was the death of you."
"…I wanted to."
"So why didn't you?"
"…Because you wanted to be free," Ruby murmured as she watched him light his cigarette. His gaze met hers briefly, but flicked away a moment later, as if looking at her was too difficult for him to manage. She paused, studying his rigid frame for a long while before speaking again. "Why did you stop me, back at the theater?"
Roman's gaze returned to hers, his expression somber and somewhat unsettling. One hand rose to retrieve the cigarette between his lips as he bit his lip and looked down. "Because I missed you."
Ruby stared at him a moment longer before she too gazed towards the ground. "…If…If I asked…if I asked you what you're so afraid of…would you tell me?"
"…What do you mean?"
"At first…I thought maybe you were worried about Cinder…that you were trying not to get too close because she was threatening you…or that maybe it had something to do with Ozpin and Ironwood…but it's more than that, isn't it?"
She glanced up, and Roman's lips pressed into a thin line as she continued.
"I…can understand…why you'd be afraid of Cinder and Ironwood…but if that was all you were afraid of, then why…" Ruby swallowed hard past the lump form in her throat as her sentence trailed off. She let out a bitter chuckle after a moment. "Is it too much to ask for the truth?"
He kept silent for a long while, his expression shifting through a gamut of emotions that she wasn't quite used to seeing on him. He looked like he wanted to escape again, and yet his body remained stiff, as if it was paralyzed in front of her.
She pressed further. "Why do you keep running?"
"Are you saying you wouldn't, in my shoes?"
Ruby stiffened at that. "…What?"
"If running…was the only thing that ever kept you alive…wouldn't you run?"
"T-That's not…it's not—"
"Not the same?" Roman interjected, his voice cracked and his smile dry. "Tell me, how do you know that it's any different?"
"…Roman…"
"…When I was ten, we found three of the younger orphans belly up in the river. Two days later the papers were saying they'd been sexually assaulted and I still didn't know what that meant. When I was twelve, one of the buildings we'd been shacking up in caught on fire and some of the kids got trapped inside. When the fire department finally arrived, they took what was left of their bodies and put them in an unmarked grave in one of Vale's cemeteries because there weren't any adults to claim them. And when I was fourteen we pulled the naked corpse of Junior's first girlfriend out of a dumpster a few blocks north of here, just to name a few of the times when I got reminded that none of us were ever safe."
"That's…"
"You know, maybe I didn't miss my parents all that much when I was seven, but trust me, I missed having a place to sleep, having enough food to eat, I definitely missed not wondering whose dead body we would find next or if I would be the dead body, so don't…don't act…like giving a shit has ever done me any good…" Ruby watched in disbelief as Roman slumped down on the wall opposite her, his head hung between his shoulders as if he no longer had the strength to hold it up. "If I ever took the time to care about something, then the world would take it from me…just like it took those kids, and just like it took Junior's girlfriend. I…have never…had anything that I didn't lose."
Ruby's lips pursed together for a moment. She let the stillness settle in their bodies, hesitating awhile before moving closer to Roman. He flinched slightly as she drew nearer to him, but it didn't stop her from bringing a hand up to his cheek. He didn't move to look at her, and she kept silent a little longer. Ruby knew what she wanted to say—she wanted to tell him that he would never lose her, she wanted to promise him that nothing that awful would ever happen to her. But making a promise that she couldn't definitely keep would be just as bad as if she said nothing at all. She bit her lip, before allowing her hesitation to lift and letting a cracked whisper creep off her tongue. "I was afraid of leaving, you know."
Roman's gaze rose to look at her, and she let out a shaky breath before continuing. "I was afraid that I'd lose you, that I'd lose…everything. And to be honest, I'm still afraid of losing you. I don't want to live without you, and I…I want you to stay. But…whether or not you stay is your decision…"
"…And if I chose to run?"
Ruby felt her throat closing up, and she sucked in a deep breath of air before continuing. "I'd live. I might not be okay at first, but I'd get better…" her eyelids fell over her eyes as she paused to level out her breathing. It didn't help the crack in her voice. "I chose…to accept your choice, even if I don't like it." Ruby opened her eyes and returned her gaze to him. "I'll still love you either way…"
"…And if I stayed?"
"Then I'd do everything I can to keep you safe from Cinder and Ironwood, obviously." The reply left her lips so quickly that Roman snorted in response.
"Obviously?" he asked softly.
Ruby merely nodded, and he let out a soft sigh as he rested his head on her shoulder.
"That is a mind-numbingly simple idea, you know."
"I-It is not!"
"And quite boneheaded too. I mean, on one hand, I can protect myself, on another, how exactly is a sixteen year old huntress in training going to fend off an army general and a rebellion leader?"
"I-I'd think of something!"
"Would you now?"
"W-Well, I could…uh…there's…um…" Roman started laughing at that, and she flushed bright red in embarrassment. "Meanie!"
"Honestly, Red, sometimes you are simply too adorable…" Roman slid his head over so that his forehead rested on her collarbone. Ruby stiffened a bit as his arms wrapped loosely around her, and the silence fell like a blanket over them once more. Roman's breathing slowly became heavier; he curled his hands into fists around the fabric of her blouse before speaking again. "I don't know how to keep you, Ruby." There was a small shudder in his breathing as he continued. "I always thought that…if I was going to lose anyway, I would rather take something from myself than have it taken from me…"
"Roman…?" Ruby stared at him, her eyes widened with surprise while his grip on her blouse tightened.
"I don't want to lose you, Ruby…I don't…but even if I stayed…"
"The world won't take me from you that easily," she murmured softly while she raised her arms and wrapped them around his head. "And I won't leave unless you really want me to either. It's…it's scary…to think of everything that could go wrong…but you know, if you let the risks stop you, you'll never know if it could've worked, right?"
"That sounds so cliché."
"…Maybe it's cliché because it's true…maybe you just need to decide…whether or not you think this is worth the risk."
"…You make that sound easy," he whispered as his grip on her blouse tightened.
"But I know it's not," Ruby smiled softly as she ran one hand through his hair. She felt a tremble work its way into Roman's frame, and hesitated as she heard the strangled sound of his breath hitching. "Roman?" something warm dripped down onto her blouse, and Ruby paused only a moment more before pulling Roman's head away from her chest, barely withholding a gasp as his expression came back into view. He turned his face from her immediately, but she still caught a glimpse of the tear stains on his cheeks. Ruby frowned and slowly brought hand to his right cheek and coaxed his visage back to face her.
He let out another shuddered breath as she brought her other hand up to brush away a few of the tears trailing down from his eyes, and he attempted rather weakly to look away again. "I'm fine, Red," he managed to rasp, his voice still weak and hoarse. "It's nothing, I'm oka—" he cut himself off as she leaned up to press a few soft kisses to the edge of his left eye. His body stiffened as she continued and pressed a kiss against his bangs, lingering only a moment before returning her lips to his left cheek. His tears steadily increased as she continued, and he muttered half-hearted protests until she pulled away just enough to press their foreheads together.
"You don't have to hide this sort of thing from me, you know," Ruby murmured. "It's fine if you need to cry, but you don't ever have to hide it from me."
"R-Ruby…" Roman's voice faltered as it left his lips, and he took a few moments to regain his composure, his hands rising up to her jaw line while he tried to steady himself. After another pause, he wrapped his arms around her, and Ruby coughed at the near vice grip he had on her frame. "…That meeting that your headmaster wanted…is the offer still on the table?"
Ruby went rigid for a moment, her eyes widening in shock at the question. "…Yeah…"
He let out a short breathe before speaking again. "Give me two days to get ready, okay? And I want you to choose our meeting place. Somewhere other than Beacon, preferably." Roman pulled away from Ruby after a moment, and for a while, she found herself staring at him with a look of complete befuddlement. After the awkward gap of silence passed, something clicked in her brain and she fumbled to make a reply.
"So—wait. Does that mean you're considering letting him help you?"
Roman's eyebrows rose and he stared at her with a look of mild exasperation. "Would I take the offer if I wasn't?"
"I-It's a valid question!" Ruby stammered defensively as she felt her cheeks grow hotter.
He laughed at that. "'Valid' my ass, that was a dumb question and you know it, Red."
"It doesn't matter if it's dumb, it's still a valid question!"
"So you admit that it's a dumb question."
Ruby's blush intensified as she glared at Roman's smug face. "You are such a jerk," she mumbled after a moment.
"I try," he grinned as he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against hers. "After all, your reactions are well worth the effort."
Ruby puffed out her cheeks as Roman leaned past her to grab her hood and the remainder of her uniform. She watched him quietly as the atmosphere regained its somberness; he separated her vest and blazer from the pile, and with the heavy silence he helped pull both back over her blouse.
"I can't promise…that I won't have days when I want to run away, Ruby. It's in my nature at this point, and well, caring about you this much is a foreign feeling for me. Always has been…" he paused a moment to retrieve her hood, throwing it over her shoulders before gracing her with a small smile. "But don't ever confuse that for me not wanting to be with you." Roman cupped her cheeks in his hands, and she found her eyes wandering the softest expression she'd ever seen on him. "Don't you dare let me run from you, Red, because…" He trailed off a moment, his eyes averted as an uncharacteristic pink tinged his cheeks. His lips pursed together as he brought his gaze back to her. "Because I love you."
Ruby's eyes widened as she stared at him with a look of near disbelief. There was something about this moment that made her hesitant. None of it seemed real, not the tear stains on hers or his cheeks, not the cold autumn air biting her skin, not the blazing warmth of his skin or the rough fabric of his fingerless gloves; not even the words that she'd been longing to hear. It felt as if she was still dreaming, that she'd never woken up that morning. Ruby lifted a hand to graze Roman's right cheek, waiting only moment more before lifting up towards his lips. He leaned forward to meet her, and she felt her nerves catch fire as they had so many times before.
The kiss lingered, and as it broke, Ruby smiled and wrapped her arms over his shoulders, holding him as close as she could manage. She didn't want to consider the possibility that this was nothing more than an illusion. That this was something other than the truth. If she was wrong, she'd wait until later to regret it, because he…Roman had never sounded more sincere. And even after everything that had happened tonight, that was more than enough.
"I love you too."
oooOOOooo
Rosewick trash Peeves reporting in and holy hell, y'all have no idea how hard was to write this chapter. Writing Roman having an emotional breakdown and still having him seem…Roman-like is challenging, to say the least. So then. Reviews.
ODST110: okay
dvilleza, KidRodent: … :)
TheLadyJay: Nora is my RWBY spirit animal, ngl. Though Roman is also pretty high on the list of characters I identify with.
Prophet-yuki-bunnywings: …you sound adorable.
frik1000: Is this happy enough?
SilverstormXD: …Assuming that you're referring to menstrual cycles…to be honest I've never seen Ruby as having a particularly strong reaction to pms or her period, so…also Roman is fully aware that Ruby is a lot more emotional than him, so that's a thing.
Ebony's Rose: … :) I prefer the terms Momma Rosewick and/or Satan
hayleyskay:…-totally didn't finish this chapter at 5am whatareyoutalkingabout?-
Guest, PattyPOP: heh
TodayParade: …-gives you a flower crown- Thank you, my sweet summer child.
Lilyth Celestyn: Well…that's kinda what happened…
Roach99: You're welcome.
To everyone who recently became rosewick trash because of me: You're welcome
Guest123: Thank you for picking up that error.
Brandie Free: good.
midblooder: Welcome back. Congratulations on escaping Netflix.
Captain Steelstag: You and me both dude.
Hiya: NO REGRETS.
So…couple of updates to inform you of. First off, for those of you that don't follow me on tumblr or have me on their author alert list, the spiritual successor to this story has started. It can be found under the title of In the Arms of a Thief and is rated M because older Ruby AU. Things that are…fixed in this story: properly paced timeframe, angst level, and for my followers with dirty minds, naughty things to come. So if you are so inclined, I'd love it if you checked it out.
I'll be free from college by December 10th, hopefully, and though I will be busy with work, there will be more to come.
Rosewick trash Peeves out until next chapter.
