Baby Now That I've Found You
by aprilhope

Ch. 28 - Feeling So Alive

(NC-17)

It was becoming increasingly difficult for Sonny to be so close to Carly all day and night without making love to her. And he was ashamed of himself for even feeling those things. A man is supposed to desire his wife, yes, but his wife was still in a fragile emotional state. Despite the location being the same, Sonny told himself, this was not the honeymoon they hadn't gotten to go on. This trip was all about Carly, resting and healing. God knows he would do anything in his power to help her do that. But something had been reawakened between them in the Jacuzzi… feelings, a need, that wouldn't be ignored much longer. Still, Sonny was determined to give her time.

What Sonny didn't realize was that Carly didn't want time… She wanted him. It had been so wonderful in the Jacuzzi, kissing him and finally really touching each other again… with intent that went beyond comfort. It was the most she'd felt like herself in as long as she could remember. All she wanted was to be closer to him. Then suddenly he pulled back, mumbled that she should eat something, and the next minute they were out of the tub and drying themselves off.

She was sure whatever he cooked was delicious, but she was so in shock and disappointed from what she took as his rejection that, although she ate the food, she didn't taste it. Carly was convinced Sonny didn't find her attractive anymore. Losing the baby had obviously changed the way he saw her, and she couldn't blame him. She did not cry, however. A few days had passed and she had not cried once in that time, even when she'd wanted to. Maybe at last she was truly empty… nothing left, not even tears.

It was evening, shortly after dinner, and Carly was walking along the beach… alone. It had happened again. This time, their hands had collided while putting the dishes away. About five seconds worth of perfect moment, looking in each other's eyes, ended abruptly when he pulled his hand away and claimed he had phone calls to make. She said okay but mentioned that she was going to take a walk on the beach, in the hope that he might join her. Gazing sadly at the house, she decided not to expect him. She didn't even know if he was really making calls or simply avoiding her.

Left to her thoughts, and trying not to think about Sonny, her mind and heart landed on thoughts of the baby and what might have been. Of course, those thoughts of the baby inevitably involved Sonny. Visions of him wheeling her out of the hospital, their baby healthy and nestled in her arms… of the two of them at home, giving the baby his first bath… of Sonny holding his child at the balcony window to show him Port Charles, as Sonny had told her he'd done with Michael before he even met her… teased her with their beauty and then faded away.

Carly wrapped her arms around herself. The night was warm, but reality was cold. And every time she let herself dream and then had to face reality again, it was like she died a little more inside.

She knew what she needed to do. The sound of the crashing waves was calling to her. With purpose, Carly walked toward the ocean and into the water, stopping when it reached about waist-high. There she stood and waited… waited for the waves to come and crash down on her, slamming her under the surf until she couldn't breathe.

Meanwhile, Sonny had decided he couldn't keep hiding from Carly, especially if he wanted her to believe he would always be there for her. He'd put on some swim trunks and grabbed a blanket and a couple of towels, hoping to talk Carly into taking a late-night dip and then relaxing with him on the sand. He walked out onto the beach, looking around for her and calling her name.

"Carly?"

Though it was night, the moon provided more than enough light to see by. Out of the corner of Sonny's eye, he glimpsed a figure in the water and looked more closely. He realized it was definitely Carly just as a monstrous wave rose behind her and swallowed her up. Sonny blinked a couple of times in disbelief, waiting for her to reappear… but she didn't.

Oh my God… She's trying to drown herself.

"CARLY!!!"

Sonny dropped the things he carried and ran like never before out into the water. He started swimming, and was just about to dive under the water to look for her when Carly finally floated to the surface. She was coughing up a lot of water and splashing around, somewhat disoriented. Sonny silently thanked God and swam to her, wrapping a strong arm around her.

"I'm here. I'm here, Carly. It's okay now. You don't want to do this. Hold on tight now. I'm gonna get you to shore," he promised in her ear. She nodded, looking only slightly confused, and they swam back to the beach.

Sonny picked up one of the towels he'd dropped, shook off the sand, and wrapped Carly up in it. He didn't even bother with drying himself off. He pulled her to him with the towel and hugged her tight.

"You can't do this to me again, okay?"

Carly pulled back enough to look at him. What was he talking about? Looking at him, feeling him so close, she finally realized that he was shaking. He wasn't cold. He was scared. His words played in her head… "You don't want to do this."… "You can't do this to me again."… and suddenly it hit her. He doesn't think that… Does he?

"Do what, Sonny?" she asked gently.

"I told you I don't want you out of my life. So you can't treat your life like it doesn't matter, Carly, because you…"

The next words out of his mouth were to be, "You are my life." Not knowing that, Carly interrupted.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself, Sonny. I understand how you would think that, but I swear to you I wasn't."

He didn't know whether she was telling the truth or she was in some kind of denial, but her eyes told him it was safe to believe what she said. He dropped his head and blew out a breath, calming a bit, but tension still ran through him.

"Then what the hell were you doing out there?" Sonny asked as he again faced her, trying his best to not sound accusing.

Carly wondered if she could make him understand. "Can we sit down?" She gestured to the blanket on the ground, which Sonny picked up and spread out for them. They sat next to each other, facing the water. "I was kind of… playing a game."

His mind screamed that she couldn't play games with her life, but something told him to keep quiet and listen to the whole story.

"I don't know if this will make any sense, Sonny, but I'll tell you anyway. I actually had a best friend other than Jason once… a girl. You remember Carly Roberts? The girl I came to Port Charles pretending to be? Destroying her good name, don't ask me why. She was my best friend when I was growing up. She was beautiful, rich, classy, but still wild enough to keep up with me. We did everything together, even pretended we were sisters."

"The Carly sisters?" Sonny asked, smiling at the cuteness of it.

"Um, yes and no. Her name was actually Charlotte, but she went by Carly. I wasn't Carly at all back then, always Caroline… poor, smart Caroline Benson."

He noted that her own name seemed to taste bitter in her mouth, but she continued quickly.

"Anyway, she and I would go to the beach a lot. We did live in Florida, after all. And there was this thing we would do… mostly I would do… where I would stand out in the water and wait for the biggest wave ever to come knock me down."

"Why?"

"Charlotte didn't really get it either. She'd be up on the sand, screaming at me, 'Are you CRAZY???' I just always told her yes and that she should try it. See, there was a point to it. It's just a little hard to explain. There's something exhilarating about the moment that wave takes you down. The water hits you so hard, and you go under, and you can't breathe. But then suddenly you pop out of that water and… stupid as it may sound, it's almost like being reborn. For just a few seconds you felt like you might die, but you didn't. You're still breathing, and your lungs have never been so full of air."

"Your lungs were full of water."

She bit her lip guiltily. "I never said you didn't save me. I haven't done that for a while, and I guess I didn't hold my breath quite in time. So thank you. But please know that I wasn't trying to hurt myself, and certainly not you. I was just trying to feel…"

"Feel what, Carly?"

"I told you coming out of that water was like being reborn, right? And you know that when… the baby died, some part of me died with it. I was trying to get back that feeling I remembered… of feeling so alive."

Sonny sighed and wrapped his arm around her, though both still watched the ocean. "Isn't there any way for you to feel alive that doesn't involve almost drowning?"

Carly got quiet. She whispered into her knees. "There was."

"What do you mean there was?"

She shut her eyes and cursed inwardly at the realization that he'd heard. His fingers, gentle on her cheek, forced her to look at him. Swallowing hard to summon her courage, she spoke.

"The only other thing that ever made me feel so alive was… being with you."

Sonny was not expecting that answer, but to hear the words from her lips made him feel incredible. He tucked wet strands of her hair behind her ears with a smile. "You're with me. And I'm with you."

He thought that would coax a smile back from her, but instead she muttered sadly, "You don't get it," and ran off down the beach. Sonny scrambled to his feet and quickly caught up to her.

"Carly, wait! What… what did I say?"

"Nothing! It doesn't matter! I know you don't want me anymore!"

That floored him. "What are you talking about? Of course I want you."

"You don't touch me! If you do by accident, you pull away like your hand's on fire! It's okay! You don't see me the way you did before I lost the baby! I've accepted it! So just let it go!"

Sonny couldn't just tell her she was wrong. He had to show her. He grabbed her face in both hands and pulled her mouth to his, silencing her insecurity with a long, slow, loving kiss.

"I know you like to be right," he breathed against her lips, "but you're way off base on this one. If I pull away from you like my 'hand's on fire,' it's because that's what it feels like when I touch you. It burns like fire. I crave you, Carly. You get that? I was afraid that if I let myself touch you, I wouldn't be able to stop."

Her heart was beating so fast. "What's wrong with that?"

"Sweetheart, you've been through a lot. I'm not going to rush you."

"You're not. You wouldn't be. Sonny, when I said the only other time I felt so alive was when I was with you, I meant… with you." Carly looked at him meaningfully. "I need you."

That was more than good enough for him. Sonny scooped Carly up in his arms, never losing eye contact with her as he walked them back to the blanket. "Here?" he whispered before laying her down.

She nodded and smiled, appreciating the moon and starlight that bathed them, before pulling him down with her. "What else is a private beach good for?"

He smiled and kissed her again quickly, but held back for just another moment. "Carly, know that I want you as much as I always have. In fact, I want you more because of everything you've been through and how strong you've shown you are."

"That can't be true, Sonny. All I've done is fall apart."

"But you're still here, right? No matter how many times, how many ways you've been hurt, you've held on."

"Because of you."

"No, no, no. It's in you. You don't break, Caroline."

The power of what was possibly the best thing anyone had ever said to her made her stomach clench deliciously and her mouth fall open. Sonny took advantage of the latter, reclaiming her lips with his, nibbling and tasting her delicately. No matter how hungry they were, he knew they needed to take a slow pace.

"You cold?" he asked, noticing her shiver.

She was pretty sure the shiver was a result of his kisses, not the cold, but she only said, "Maybe a little."

"Let's get you out of those wet clothes, then."

He carefully pulled her snug-fitting tee over her head and tossed it aside, then unbuttoned her denim shorts and brought them down her legs so she could kick them away. She was wearing a black bikini underneath.

"Maybe if you'd just worn this out in the water, I would have gotten that you were playing a 'game,' and I wouldn't have freaked out," Sonny teased.

"No, you would have freaked out," Carly replied, knowing him too well.

"Yeah, you're right," he admitted. "Besides, this probably would have come right off if a wave hit you. I mean, look how easy this happens." Sonny gave a little tug on the string that tied the top behind Carly's neck, and another tug on the one behind her back. The flimsy material shifted, then was completely removed, revealing her beautiful full breasts. "Look at that."

He began kissing the sensitive skin of her throat, feeling her pulse beat quicker under his lips. He continued down to the dip in her collarbone and on to her breasts. At first palming and then gently massaging them with his hands, he bestowed kisses on their rosy peaks, circling them slowly and applying pressure with his tongue. She squirmed under him, and he grinned when he felt her hands in his hair, holding him to her.

When Sonny moved down to her stomach, his lips barely grazed her skin once before she had pulled him back up and started kissing him fiercely. He reciprocated gladly for a few moments, but he knew her motives, and the knowledge made him pause.

"Carly, look at me." He waited until she focused her hiding eyes on him. "Let me love all of you."

If only you really meant that. Nervous, but also awed by how well he could read her, she nodded. He knew she hadn't wanted to let him near her stomach and why. As she felt his warm, soft lips press against the skin, she remembered every time he had done it before. Every time before, she had been pregnant. They'd only slept together one time when she hadn't been pregnant, that time being the conception, and there was no slow worshipping of her body then. Every time he had kissed her stomach like this, there had been a baby inside of her. She always felt the affection was meant more for the baby than for her. So why was he even bothering now?

But even as her head was telling her one thing, Sonny was showing her heart another. His hands grabbed her waist, fingers pressing against her back, and brought her tummy up to meet his kisses. She arched, her head pushing back, sinking into the sand that lay beneath the blanket. He licked a leisurely circle around her navel, her skin, salty from the ocean, somehow sweet on his tongue. With every touch, every contact, he was communicating her importance to him. Sonny was making everything better.

He silently undid the ties at each hip that held her bikini bottom on. Carly lifted her hips so he could remove it completely, allowing her legs to leisurely drift apart. Sonny sucked in a breath at the sight of her, naked and waiting for him. Beautiful, like some kind of island goddess. His goddess.

Sonny's fingers slid lightly over her abdomen and danced down through the inviting triangle of soft, golden curls, before suddenly finding the ticklish spot behind each knee and placing her legs over his shoulders. Carly couldn't suppress a gasp. Her eyes began to flutter closed from just the anticipation and the look of desire he was aiming at her. He was almost too much for her senses sometimes, but she knew she couldn't help but watch him, especially pleasuring her. She thought that might be all it would take to make her…

"Oh my God."

He had cupped her ass with his hands and brought her waiting heat to his wanting mouth. After a little preliminary nibbling of her inner thighs, he delved into her wetness fervently, drinking from her like a man dying of thirst who had just found his oasis. Reaching deep inside with his tongue again and again, he sucked the sweetness her body had made just for him. He then spent several minutes kissing and blowing cool air on her tender clit, watching her watching him, as she was rocked by her first orgasm. She grabbed his hair harder this time, keeping him in place throughout the ride. Her body started to tremor from the satisfaction, and she screamed his name into the night air.

"Ohh… Sonny!!!"

He gradually lessened his attentions to her as she calmed, setting her gently back down, and sliding back up her body to share the sweet taste of her. He kissed her, devouring her whole mouth, sensually swirling her flavor between their tongues. His thumbs rubbed her cheeks as he did so, and he pulled back when they encountered tears.

"Carly, what's wrong?" he whispered, concerned. "Do you want to stop?"

She smiled through her tears, shaking her head and stroking his hair. "No, no. Don't you dare. These are good tears. Just part of that feeling alive thing."

His eyes showed his relief. "Good, I'm glad. But you know it's still okay if you don't want…"

"Sonny," she said assuredly, "I want to love all of you."

He answered her with a surrendering kiss, during which he felt her legs wrap around his waist. She gave a little sound of displeasure, feeling something besides skin, and was soon hooking the sides of his waistband with her toes and pushing his swim trunks down his legs. She sighed at the touch of him hard against her hip and wrapped her arms around him, ready. Sonny pressed his forehead to hers as he guided his tip to her dripping entrance and slowly pushed inside.

Both moaned at the sensations produced… she, at the exquisite stretching of her walls, and he, at the way they squeezed him, silky hot. Her legs tightened around his waist, and for a while they just held that position, having missed this feeling of oneness for too long. After a minute or two, the need for more was too great, and Sonny began to move inside of her.

At first, she actively encouraged the motion of his hips, her hands shifting from his back to his buttocks, digging in her nails to drive him deeper into her. But she soon became so lost in the pleasure that her hands fell from him and to the blanket, which was bunching up thanks to the ride they were giving it. Continuing to slide in and out of her body, Sonny found Carly's hands with his and brought them up above her head, their fingers linked and clawing at the sand.

"Sonny?" she choked out on a heavy breath.

"Yeah?" He raised his head to look into her eyes.

"Call me 'baby,' like you used to."

"Are you sure?"

Carly nodded. "I miss it."

Sonny kissed her shoulder, then pressed his now sweating forehead back to hers. "Anything you want, baby."

The tingling throughout her body only intensified at the sound of those words. "You know what I want," she countered.

He took that as his cue to speed up his movements, thrusting faster and harder inside her, increasing the friction every time. All of Carly's senses and feelings became an intoxicating blur… flashes of the dark of Sonny's eyes and the light of the moon… the sounds of crashing waves and crashing bodies… the scent of the tropical air mixed with Sonny's pure masculinity… the feel of his smooth, strong chest rubbing back and forth against her breasts… getting closer and closer to the edge, and Sonny reaching down between them and pinching her clit.

"SONNY!! Ohh my God, yes… yesss…"

Her muscles contracted around him, sparking his release and milking him dry.

"That's it, baby… unhhh… mmm, Carly."

When we wore a heart of stone
We wandered to the sea
Hoping to find some comfort there
Yearning to feel free

And we were mesmerized
By the lull of the night
And the smells that filled the air
And we laid us down
On sandy ground
It was cold but we didn't care

We were drawn to the rhythm…
Drawn to the rhythm of the sea
We were drawn to the rhythm…
Drawn to the rhythm of the sea

Bodies gradually stilled and heartbeats returned to something near a normal rate, but both now felt as if they had melted into one another. Sonny reluctantly slipped out of her and rolled them over, bringing her to lie on top of him. He noticed tears on her face again.

"Are those the good tears?" he asked, praying he hadn't hurt her.

"Unbelievably good."

"You feel alive?"

"Too alive to sleep any tonight," Carly said, then yawned. "Maybe not."

Sonny chuckled. "You want to go in?"

"I don't want to move yet." She snuggled into him more to make her point.

"Then go to sleep, cariña. Sweet dreams."

He kissed the top of her head, which lay on his chest, and she drifted quickly to sleep.

We fell asleep and began to dream
When something broke the night
Memories stirred inside of us
The struggle and the fight

And we could feel the heat
Of a thousand voices
Telling us which way to go
And cried out is there no escape
From the words that plague me so

We were drawn to the rhythm…
Drawn to the rhythm of the sea
We were drawn to the rhythm…
Drawn to the rhythm of the sea

He stayed awake just to watch her. Time lost any kind of meaning, so he couldn't be sure how long she was sleeping. But she started to whimper and shift restlessly, and all of a sudden she was screaming herself out of a dream… obviously a nightmare. He gently shook her out of it and then hugged her with all his might.

"Carly, baby, it's okay. Shh, it's okay. What were you dreaming about?"

She pulled back shakily and tried to speak, but instead just stared at him, glassy-eyed and terrified.

In the still and the silent dawn
Another day is born
Washed up by the tireless waves
The body bent and torn

And in the face of the blinding sun
You wake only to find
That heaven is a stranger place
Than what I've left behind

We were drawn to the rhythm…
Drawn to the rhythm of the sea
We were drawn to the rhythm…
Drawn to the rhythm of the sea

(Lyrics - "Drawn to the Rhythm," Sarah McLachlan)