Chapter 28
"So, how have things been on your end? It's been awhile since I last saw you."
I smirk at Christina as I eye her from my peripheral vision. She sips on her water innocently as she looks at me intently. Most likely trying to peer into my soul.
I lay my fork down, careful to not let it clatter against the plate. I sigh before speaking, "This thing is harder than I expected."
She furrows her eyebrows, seemingly confused. "What is?"
"Moving on."
"Yeah," She says quietly with a small smile. "It can be difficult."
I barely manage a nod. Instead of giving her a verbal answer, I turn to face the streets of Chicago from inside the restaurant.
Christina was the last person I expected to call for comfort, but right now, I'm feeling vulnerable. It's not an easy feeling to explain; I myself don't even know what's happening. But all I can do is be thankful that my friend is sitting beside me when I need her most.
"Tough day at work?" I ask as I watch her scan over the menu for alcoholic beverages.
"You can say that." She mutters. Her eyes scan over the menu for a few more seconds before they widen. The thick leather book clatters against the table as she tosses it. Her eyes flick between the book and myself for what seems like an eternity. "I am so, so sorry. I didn't mean to…"
"What?" I interrupt her, smirking. "Live your life? Don't let me get in the way of you having some relaxation. Go ahead – order a drink. I honestly don't give a damn."
Christina furrows her eyebrows and looks at me wearily. "Somehow I don't believe you."
I shrug. "Suit yourself." She stays quiet for a moment, and I can tell she's trying to phrase what she's about to say next. I roll my eyes playfully before calling her out, "You can talk to me, Chris. I don't bite."
She smiles lightly before softly speaking, "You know that's the first time you've called me by my nickname since you came back." She chuckles and shakes her head. "I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but… I missed that. Every time you called me by my name, it sounded so stiff and emotionless. I guess I… I guess I just missed the easiness we had as best friends. I miss my best friend."
"Why?" I ask plainly as a broad smile overtakes my face. "You still have her."
Christina abruptly looks up from the table and stares at me blankly. "What?" She whispers.
"I don't know why you're sounding so surprised. I couldn't go long without your… friendship ways rubbing off on me."
"Are you messing with me? Is this some sick joke?"
I shake my head whilst taking a sip of my water. "No joke, Chris," I reassure her. "Just someone who's looking to reunite with her best friend."
I'm sure anyone looking at us from both inside and outside the restaurant would think we're crazy with the way we're smiling. But at this point, I don't care. For so long, I pushed Christina away and didn't look back. And now that I'm willing to work things out, it's proving to be better than I ever imagined.
"At first, I didn't know why I called you exactly," I start off, gulping thickly. "But, I knew I had to. I knew I needed to."
"You don't know how many times I thought about calling you when Will… passed. I knew you were hurting, and I wanted nothing more than to be there for you. And then… and then when you started to avoid me… god, it was painful. I had lost my boyfriend and best friend all at once. So I just busied myself in work all the time. It didn't really help, but it got me along."
"Are you sure you don't need that drink?" I tease her, but my voice is thick with emotion.
She laughs quietly, and I can tell she's holding back tears of her own. "No, I'm okay. I've got my best friend."
I breathe in deeply as fresh air fills my lungs. Living in a busy city like Chicago can really make you miss the outdoors. Of course, my mother's nursing home is still located in the bustling city, but right now I enjoy taking advantage of its secluded garden. Nature's flora surrounds us, the sun gently soaks us through the clouds and it's almost as if I can forget everything.
"You seem happy."
I turn to my chuckling mother who sits beside me in her wheelchair. I smile at her and she immediately returns the gesture. Grabbing her hand, I gently reply, "I am happy."
It amazes me – the way she can read through me like a book. It's as if the five years of us being separated never happened, and we've been the closest. Unfortunately, it's not true, and it's taking me some time to adjust to that thinking. If I could, I would delete the past five years without a moment's hesitation.
"Something is bothering you. What is it?"
"Nothing," I try to defend myself but it comes out high-pitched. I clear my throat and reaffirm my statement, "Nothing."
"Don't lie to me, Beatrice."
"I'm here with you. I'm fine."
I can tell by the look she gives me that she doesn't believe me – and frankly I don't even believe myself. Although these past few weeks have been nothing but refreshing and guilt-lightening, there's still something that I feel is missing. Or rather, someone. I try not to think about it much – about him, but lately, it's been more than a difficult task.
"Do you remember how it felt when you fell in love with dad?" I ask suddenly. The need for an answer from her is suddenly overwhelming, but my mind and heart are eager for an answer. "Do you remember?"
The question obviously catches her off guard. But, after she's gotten over the initial shock, she replies without reluctance, "Absolutely. I remember it perfectly." She smiles softly, the memories no doubt bittersweet for her. "We were young, of course, and before that I never believed love could exist before children. He was nineteen and I was sixteen. I was on the cheerleading squad and he was captain of the football team… so a relationship was bound to form between us. But your grandmother… well, let's just say she wasn't so happy about my relationship with your father, and at one time, we had to hide it from her." She shakes her head, chuckling. "But, I don't regret anything. We did it for something great – we did it for love."
"How did you feel when you knew?"
She doesn't ask me to elaborate as she answers, "It's funny actually… I knew it from the very beginning. The feeling is…"
"Indescribable," I say softly. "It's not attraction or lust, but actual love. It's as if you're complete when they're with you, and when they're gone… there's this big gap in your heart that can't be fixed. You just… you just know by the way they treat you, that they love you. And you love them."
"Now, I know that wasn't just a wild guess." She looks at me with concern and hesitance. "Who did you fall in love with?"
"Someone beautiful… on the inside and out."
"I always wondered how it would be to find out my daughter fell in love." Her smile is brighter than the sun itself at this point. "Well… why didn't you tell me about him sooner? Why haven't I met him?"
"Mom, you know what happens when someone gets too close to me. You know what happens when I love someone."
The joy abruptly leaves from my mother's face and is instead replaced by a flinty appearance. "Beatrice, tell me something that I'd like to hear." I don't meet her intense gaze but instead, busy myself at looking at anything other than her. "He left because of you."
I sigh exasperatedly, finding it in myself to finally look at her. "You don't think I know that! I know that he left because of me. I know that I pushed him away, and that just adds to list of mistakes that I've made."
"What happened?" She asks quietly.
"I don't want to really talk about it."
"Beatrice, you've been holding something inside you for a while now. Maybe talking about it will help."
I absentmindedly wrap my arms around myself and perch my knees on the bench, bringing it closer to my chest. I feel small in this position, inferior to everyone and everything. This is how I would act through most of high school when I was teased about my appearance. Now I've adopted the same mentality that I had back then – maybe if I just give up, maybe if I just stop fighting, it'll all go away. I tighten the grip around my knees as I begin to think of the things I told myself to stay away from. I begin to think of him.
It wasn't some fling that we had – at least I don't feel that way. I know Tobias. I had Tobias. And now I've lost him, most likely for good. And since then, I've been fighting very hard to control my blazing emotions; anger, self-pity, regret, guilt, and misery all wrapped into one tiny little person. It's starting to become too much for me to take on. But, maybe if I just stop fighting, it'll all go away.
"Beatrice…"
Startled, I look towards my patiently waiting mother. I was telling the truth when I said I don't want to talk about it. If it torments me now, without speaking a word, then I can't even begin to imagine what it will feel like expressing my feelings and concerns.
But even with this thought in mind, I manage to find my voice, "It was um… it was after Uriah died… and I didn't want to see anyone, not even him. Of course, I blamed myself for what happened, and it didn't get any better when he came to see me." Tears start to brim my eyes, memories of that painful day racing through my mind.
You need to go now. I can't have you around me.
"I told him he deserved better. He deserves a woman who isn't an alcoholic, one who doesn't have a past, one who doesn't let her past control her. He deserves someone worthy of his love. I wasn't that girl."
That will be my right to choose who I want to be with and love.
"He wanted to stay with me, for some odd and stupid reason. I didn't want him to suffer… so I let him go."
I can't have you here. I can't be with you.
"I didn't give him a choice. He's better off without me anyways."
After what seems like eons of stillness, my mother speaks, "I'm so sorry that things didn't work out," She starts off, but I can tell there is more to come. "But Beatrice… I don't ever want to hear you say that you don't deserve love. Don't ever say that."
"It's true."
"No, it is not." She wheels in front of me and grabs my chin, not unkindly, but with determination and firmness. "You are worth so much more than you think you are. You are deserving of everything good and beautiful. You deserve love. You deserve love from whom you love." Despite her words, I still cannot find it in me to look her in the eyes. My mother sighs. "Beatrice… you are the strongest person I know."
I scoff. "Really?"
"Yes, really. You've been in pain for years and yet you're still here. You've been fighting this problem -"
"I've been embracing it! I haven't fought it."
"And you recognize that. You've realized that you have a problem, and you're getting help. It takes a courageous person to admit their mistakes, and make amends for them. It proves just how strong yet humble you are."
The words strong and humble aren't ones I would usually put in the same sentence. If you're strong, nothing can bring you down or hurt you. If you're humble, you are a modest person, someone who wouldn't flaunt or even acknowledge their strength. Those are also two words I'd never use to describe myself. But it is only common sense to see a slight truth in my mother's words, even if she is referring to me.
"I don't know Mom," I hesitate in my words, not really sure if I am trying to convince her or myself. "I don't think I'm like that."
Her smooth hand gently caresses my cheek as she smiles at me. "Right now, you don't see it. Right now, you're just going through the pain, and it's so strong that it's the only thing you can focus on now. But, there will come a time where it won't be like that anymore. And then you'll be able to help not only yourself but others too."
I doubt that will ever happen, but I don't want to push any unnecessary anxiety onto my mother, so I just settle for a nod.
"Good." She says, dropping her hand. "So tell me… what was he like?"
I can't help the smile that overtakes my face at the question, nor do I hide it. "He was… he was amazing." My mind races for words to describe the man I fell in love with. "At first… he was so confusing. Infuriating almost. Then, he found out I was a drunk… and I actually cared what he thought. I tried to stay away, I did, but it did not work out."
"Clearly."
I give my mother this look, one that is neither annoyed or humored, and she just laughs. It brings a small grin to my face. "And then… we started seeing more of each other… and then we kissed… and then... things just escalated."
The question that comes out her mouth next is not what I was prepared for.
"Was he good?"
I stare at my mother, completely horrified and dumbfounded. My eyebrows knit together and my mouth falls open slightly as I ask, "What?"
"You heard me, Beatrice."
"Yeah but… I don't want to hear you right now. That's disgusting."
"So he isn't?"
"Yes… I mean no!" I shake my head rapidly attempting to clear my thoughts. "Mom… we didn't… we didn't do anything."
"Oh," She frowns slightly at my answer. "Well… was he at least a good kisser?"
"Yes, he is." I sheepish smile makes its way to my face and I have to clamp down on my lower lip in order to hide it. My god… how I've missed his lips. "He's… talented in that department."
My mother gives me this devilish smile that causes me to laugh.
"But… I've really missed him, Mom." I admit softly after my hysterics have died down. "I thought I could do this without him… and I wanted to forget about him… but I can't. It's impossible."
"Beatrice…"
"When I let him go… it's like a chunk of me left with him. I don't understand why, though. I don't understand why it hurts so much to not have him with me." At this point, tears are starting to form in my eyes and bitter memories are replacing the ones that were brining me comfort. "He's just another guy and… I'm not dependent on anyone, you know that. Mom, I'm so scared."
"Beatrice…" She speaks softly, brushing my hair behind my ear. "I am truly sorry that you have to be going through this right now." I close my eyes and lean into her warm touch, stray tears escaping. "And I know you care more about this boy then you're letting on… but as of right now, you have to let him go."
My eyes fly open and I stare at her through my glassy vision. "I've never felt this way about anyone." I choke out. "I-I love him."
"I know you, sweetheart. And that is okay. But right now, you have to worry about you and your situation. You need to fix yourself first before bringing someone else into the picture." I nod my head slowly, understanding her point of view, but still finding it painful to admit. "And I'm not saying you can't ever love someone… but just give yourself some time. When you're ready, you'll know it."
I know she's right; she's always right. But that doesn't change the fact that I miss him and want him. I need Tobias in my life right now. I know I have things to work on, but now I'm wondering if these things can be conquered through a team effort.
Does this make up for not updating? ;) And I am on the same level with you guys... I miss Tobias so much! And I'm the author of this story! But who knows... maybe he'll come back soon and maybe he won't. You'll just have to wait and see. ;D
Till next time!
~ Mal
