Top Gear X
Author's note: In the words of the current show Grand Tour. Great Cars, Questionable Behavior. Such is this story I suppose. I stole the 'I am now and forevermore…' from Phoenix dialog as every new Phoenix just tends to say that when we all know that this too shall pass. The delay in writing has been in part inertia, writing other things, and a bit of a dearth of ideas on the ending; I suppose having gotten here I was not quite sure how the big showdown should go. So I sat and mused for a while.
I am somewhat surprised to find that I've been writing this story, off and on, for over three years. It was my first multi chapter story, and I suppose has served as a training guide for longer stories.
ThisisFunwahttooksolong asked just what am I basing Hercules upon. My writing of Hercules's character comes mostly from issue 356 of the Mighty Thor comic, which was a funny telling of a battle between Hercules and Thor, by Hercules. Very funny issue and strongly recommended by me. After all, Herc is just so… godly…
And for this chapter I stole a few words from ThisisFunwahttooksolong on one of his reviews. Oh, and Ben Collins has gone on to have a successful career post Stig; but not in this story so apologies if he is actually reading (and if you are, can I have an autograph? I bought you book.)
Hmmm, a part of this story revolves around the story Mistakes were made and a most unfortunate word choice by John Constantine in regards to Illyana.
Part of my just does not want to end the story, but… all things end. So I suppose it's time.
Part 28a: The Stig…
Clarkson looks up at Dark Stig. "Ben? Is that really you?"
"I no longer go by that name but yes… It is I. The one you all abandoned." Hisses Dark Stig.
A statement that prompts disagreement from Hammond. "Now wait a minute, you were the one who broke your contract by admitting you were the Stig."
May likewise opines. "Which was very clearly defined as a No-No and cause for immediate dismissal. The whole point was that nobody was to know who the Stig was."
Clarkson likewise is not in agreement. "After we went to all the effort to try to throw them off the scent by pretending that Michael Schumacher was the Stig."
Hammond then tossed a bit of an emotional insult. "But no… Mr. Whinny had to go and publish his Autobiography because he wanted to be famous."
"I am famous!"Shouts Dark Stig. The confrontation with his old teammates was not going per the script his head as there was a definite deficit of groveling involved.
"For being the former Stig." Replys May.
"For being the best Stig!"
Clarkson mummers for the audience only. "Oh dear, I believe our formally tame racing driver is no longer tame at all, in fact he appears to have gone quite rabid." Then louder. "Ben… Stig… So… what have you been up to mate?"
"Rotting in Luton! After you got me fired from Fifth Gear!"
"We did no such thing!" Shouts back Hammond.
"You tried to block me from being on the show! Don't think I don't know!"
Clarkson attempts to clam things down. "Ben… that's because there are potted plants with more riveting personalities. Being a presenter takes talents that are the antithesis of most race drivers. We all knew that, that's why we tried to talk them out of it. That's why you only got one season."
"And then you blackballed me!"
"What a load of utter cock!" Rebuts May. An unfortunate choice of words as the phrase 'Oh cock' is an expression of vexation of mild stomach pain in English slang, whereas in American english it means a part of the male anatomy; which always causes confusion with the censors.
"We did no such thing!" Expounds Clarkson as he slowly stands, making calming motions with his hands. "We tried to arrange things for you, behind the scenes, but you kept screwing them up."
"Then you just dropped off of the map." Adds May. "Nobody could find you. Hells, we were thinking of bring you back as the Stig but nobody could locate you. Just what the blazes were you doing in Luton?"
"Being the driver in a kiddie go-cart track! Come race the Stig! And losing because the management made me drive an underpowered cart!"
"Ohh… that's nasty." Comments Hammond, trying to show sympathy, which he rather failed at (the suppressed laugher being a dead giveaway).
"That's… that's when I came up with the idea… of killing all of you. But how? HOW? Then… he came. He offered me what I needed. Want I wanted! What I…"
"Calm down Stiggy. We're here for you." States Clarkson trying to calm things down.
Perhaps sense could have been spoken. Perhaps rational behavior could have been regained. Perhaps Ben could have been talked off the ledge as it were.
Perhaps… but for the mightily Hercules!
Part 28b: Hercules, diplomat of Olympus (as in not)
Suddenly Hercules intrudes upon the mightily into the scene, right finger pointing accusingly at Dark Stig. "What miscreant is this!? I see but a little man in a white suit! This flea is the foe? He is but a little white smug, but of no worth."
"Not now Herc!"Shouts it is too late, for the mightily Hercules had breathed fresh air upon the sputtering fuse of Dark Stig's rage.
Dark Stig raises his hands in a martial art stance. "Like the opinions of some roid fueled idiot has any value!"
As he does so often, Hercules responds without much thought. "Not just any idiot, an idiot of Herculean proportions! A god to you petty mortal. The Mighty Hercules has no need of performance enhancing drugs for the Prince of Heaven is already blessed with the physique of a god!'
A herculean punch is thrown, only to be caught by Dark Stig, to the stunned disbelief of all. Dark Stig then grabs Hercules's wrist with his other hand, spins a around a few times with Hercules in his grip then releases Hercules like a hammer throw, flinging Hercules far far away as in up and over the stands (to land in New Jersey would be how Hercules would later describe it, forsaken of civilization).
May tries to restore the conversation. "Really, why show up now and interrupt a race of all things?"
Bit it was too late, Dark Stig was in full villain monolog rant mode. "Because you were all supposed to be dead by this point!"Is his cry. "All my planning for naught as you kept surviving the challenges! How on earth did you avoid that dog in Hell? Not to mention breaching the unbreachable gate?"
"Luck?" Guesses Hammond.
"NO! The unholy interference of that demonic TWAT!"
Sudden silence fills the race track.
The Top Gear presenters all look shocked. Is it what Dark Stig has said, or are they looking at something behind Dark Stig.
The Death match announcers are silent, but for a gulp from Johnny as they look upon something on the off-screen, then Nick ducks under the desk and vanishes from view as he takes cover.
A gasp from the crowd as they all react to the insult… or are they reacting to something… else.
We hear a gusting sound like a furnace igniting.
A hand taps on Dark Stig's shoulder, he turns, to find an enraged DarkChilde.
Horns.
Goat hooves.
Yellow eyes.
Incisors.
Grasping a long sword that burns with silver flames.
Tight chainmail bikini. (viewer ratings promptly tripled)
Oh, almost forgot, she was on fire.
A shriek of a cry from her. "TWAT?!"
Why… from her tone you might infer that she was annoyed, perhaps even a tad upset.
"I swore I'd kill the next person who called me a demonic twat!"
Hammond radios as he ducks down:"I know things tend to catch fire on our show, but… now even the birds are burning!"
May has likewise ducked down. He radios back: "And it's not anything Clarkson said this time! So a first!"
Part 28c: Out of the pan, into the fire…
The racing helmet conceals any expression Dark Stig might have, but one can suppose they he is busying have a bit of an oh-shit moment as DarkChilde attacks (demonic woman being on fire does tend to trigger that in a guy). Not that our automotive trio can see what is going on as Clarkson has hit the ground and is curled up into a ball (as much as he is capable of curling up) while James and Richard are inside of their vehicles.
Vehicles that are backing up while being rocked by explosions and flashes of light that flare on the viewing ports (not that anybody is watching the combat as they would be blinded).
May radios: "Clarkson's still out there!"
Richard radios: "I know… I know… not much we can do about that right now!"
Then… relative silence. Followed by a declaration from Dark Stig."Come out now before I take your vehicles apart!"
May utters a "oh cock" before he hesitantly opens the top hatch and takes a look, likewise Richard does the same. They see no sign of Darkchilde (i.e. Yana), just a churned up race track and a pool of bubbling lava behind Dark Stig. They see that an unconscious (they hope) Clarkson has been tossed over by where the Thor's hammer had fallen. Dark Stig is looking rather... singed and stained with black and red bloody streaks, plus there is a crack in his visor glass.
Richard tries to play peacemaker. "Um… Stiggy… can't we talk this over?" While his tank slightly adjusts the turret main gun to align upon Dark Stig.
"No…" Snarls Dark Stig.
A comment that prompts Richard's gunner to fire the loaded round, which was an armor piercing discarding sabot (APDS) round. A round that Dark Stig blocks with his hand, but the kinetic energy shoves he back over thirty feet in a spray of track debris churned up by his braced lags. Likewise May fires his .50 cal machine gun and we see ricocheting tracker rounds as they bounce off of Dark Stig.
Clarkson groans as he awakens, turns over and sees a convenient hammer (Thor's hammer).
Dark Stig tosses the APDS aside while ignoring the .50 cal rounds. "Is that all the mighty Top Gear, Agents of MI-7, have to offer?"
May hits the speaker button. "Well, we were racing, not expecting war of the worlds. So… all this just to get revenge on us?"
"Not just you… On all those who drive! After this… EARTH! And the end of private automotive use! From now on… just public transport. The whole world shall be as Oxford has become. I suppose I might let you live just to hear you lamentations. Get used to buses and bikes now on! Slow Buses! Diesel Buses with lots and lots of bike racks!"
Clarkson reaches out and grasps the hammer. "By all that's holy, not while I yet draw breath!" Clarkson staggers to his feet, bent over as he is still holding onto the hammer as it lies upon the ground, his eyes glowing, then… he lifts Mjolnir and lightning smashes into his location!
Richard, May, and Dark Stig all make the same statement. "What the hell…?"
Then… Clarkson/Thor strides forth holding aloft mighty Mjolnir. Imagine Clarkson, wearing the garments of Thor, with eight pack abs and bulging muscles, but with Clarkson's head. Carlson/Thor swings the hammer while bellowing. "I say Nay to thee Sunshine! Queueth the music!"
A might blow is struck, flinging Dark Stig right into the Aston as lightning dances around the race track, zapping the sound system trigging a music segment to play.
Part 28c: Mighty did they battle
The Immigrant song by Led Zeppelin blasts forth from the speakers.
Ah, ah
We come from the land of the ice and snow
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow
…
…
Dark Stig pushes himself to his feet from the crushed ruin of the Aston. "How is this possible?"
Clarkson/Thor spins Mjolnir in a tight circle and then let's fly at Dark Stig. "I knowith not, but today I wield the might of a god! And I say that thy dream of a bus based future shall not come to be!"
Hammond radios: "Oh God, he's going to be insufferable now."
May radios: "Don't be looking the gift horse in the moth now Hammond. I think we need all the help we can get. Even if the shaved ape has now ascended."
Hammond radios: "I know, but just the thought that he's worthy means we'll never hear the end of it."
And the crowd, are they fleeing? Horrified? Cowering in fear. In a word… no. They're chanting.
"Clarkson…. CLarkSON… CLARKSon… CLARKSON!"
…
…
The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new land
To fight the horde and sing, and cry
Valhalla, I am coming
…
…
A swoosh and Dark Stig has returned and strikes at Clarkson/Thor, only to be blocked. Then Mjolnir returns to Clarkson/Thor's hand. A crash of lightning smashes in the ground where they fight.
Behind them… a hand appears from within the lava pool and grasps for the edge.
…
…
On we sweep with, with threshing oar
Our only goal will be the western shore
…
…
Hammond pops open the hatch and pops up, he radios: "Any ideas James… "
May likewise pops up as he radios. "Not a clue… Right out of 20mm. I've got one TOW left…"
Hammond spies something on the ground, then radios: "Oh… wait one. Give me some covering fire James." Hammond then exits the tank and scampers down to the ground.
Unnoticed… a second hand emerges from the lava and a burning Darkchilde begins to pull herself forth.
The lightning clears away to find Dark Stig has Clarkson/Thor's throat in both of his hands. Clarkson hammers upon the arms of Dark Stig but it is for naught. He face grows red and Clarkson/Thor passes out and collapses upon the ground. Dark Stig continues to choke until a blast of .50 cal distracts him.
Dark Stig turns, holding Clarkson/Thor by the throat with one hand. "And still the hangers on attempt to affect the outcome." A gesture and James's .50 cal machine gun is crushed.
…
…
Ah, ah
We come from the land of the ice and snow
From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow
How soft your fields so green. Can whisper tales of gore
Of how we calmed the tides of war. We are your overlords
…
…
Dark Stig is definitely looking the worse for wear. One of his gloves is gone, his racing suit is torn and bloodied, and another finger has been ripped away. And yet, before him stands a diffident Hammond.
Dark Stig's helmet looks upon Hammond, his evil hissing voice raised in a question, "Why are you grinning Hamster? I am victorious, Clarkson/Thor is stunned and with one final blow I shall end him, and with his ending all petro heads in this universe shall be doomed."
"Well Stiggie…" Replies Hammond as he points the Aston Martin's key fob at the ruined car behind Dark Stig. "I know something you don't."
"And what is that little man." Stig's voice replies with a sneer in his tone as Clarkson/Thor's eyes lids flutter.
Hammond replies as he presses the lock and alarm button. "The car has an alarm."
The car beeps twice behind Dark Stig and the car alarm voice can be heard. "Step away from the vehicle or... Damn Boss Babe is going have S'ym's tail". Dark Stig rapidly turns around only to meet the fist of an eight foot tall purple demon. The mighty blow staggers him.
While Dark Stig is momentary stunned S'ym picks up a car door and uses it like a cricket bat to slam Dark Stig up into the air and into the viewing stands.
…
…
On we sweep with threshing oar
Our only goal will be the western shore
So now you'd better stop and rebuild all your ruins
For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing
Hammond turns and points the laser targeting pistil at the where Dark Stig had landed. We hear a lock-on tone, the tank's missile box rotates and…
Ripple fires off the remaining inventory of hypervelocity frangible missiles to impact upon Dark Stig's location what a massive explosion. Followed by James's remaining TOW.
Clarkson/Thor staggers to his feet, glances about, then declares. "Heartfelt thanks my boon companions for thy aid." He holds up Mjolnir and lightning flickers around the smashed Aston Martin, and as it does the Aston debris is pulled back together, reassembled, and stands intact once again.
"Handy trick that." Comments Hammond.
May is in agreement as he and his combat squad exit the Assault vehicle. "Quite, bet that reduces the insurance rates. Hang on… is that Yana?"
DarkChilde (Yana) rejoins the crew, with red hot lava dripping from her and a snarl on her lips. S'ym greets her. "Good-day boss. Glad you're back."
She makes no reply, other then holding aloft a sword that burns with a blue hot flame.
Clarkson/Thor leaps into the car. "He is not yet finished. Combined we can end the menace!"
Hammond does not understand. "What… like Ultron?"
"No you nitwit." Corrects May. "Meaning we all attack with what we have."
Clarkson/Thor has no time for such banter as the Aston takes flight.
An event that dismays James. "Oh bugger… he get's a flying car?"
A shriek of outrage from the stands as Dark Stig stands in the ruins as Clarkson/Thor flies past while striking with the hammer, flinging Dark Stig back on to the track. Where his is promptly fired upon by James's assault team with 5.56mm and grenades. Hammond and James likewise fire their handguns at Dark Stig. Then, as Dark Stig staggers to his feet…
Yana impales him with her sword, then S'ym smashes him with large concrete road barrier block. A backhand from Dark Stig hurls away S'ym just as Clarkson/Thor rams Dark Stig with the Aston, smashing Dark Stig against the concrete block (and wrecking the Aston again). A burst of blood erupts from beneath Dark Stig's helmet.
The car door falls off as Clarkson/Thor exits. "Tis over Ben… Give it up man."
"Never…" Growls Dark Stig with a wet cough.
Clarkson raises Mjolnir high. "Have it your way. You were a good man once Ben, I shall morn the passing of that man."
Lightning smashes down again and again… until Dark Stig is…
No more.
Part 28d: The finale
Yana leans on her sword hilt and wipes blood off her brow. She smiles at the presenters "You boys really know how to do a road trip. Count me in for the next one of this type if you'll have me."
Clarkson/Thor stands upon the field of battle, smoking rubble behind him. The setting sun illuminates his noble face as he strikes a dramatic pose. Muscles rippling, he holds aloft the mighty war hammer Mjolnir. "Now with that unpleasantness behind us, I verily shall smite the true foes. The BBC disciplinary board and Brussels!"
There is a massive crash of thunder and a blinding light. The light clears to show that Clarkson/Thor is no more. We behold Clarkson, having regained his human form and garb, bent over and trying in vain to lift Mjolnir. "NOOOOOOOO" Clarkson wails like a basset hound at full howl.
James May wanders into the video shot (from the left hand side). "Clarkson you prate, you're no longer worthy!" He declares with exasperation.
Hammond follows May into the scene. He turns to the camera and utters the closing line "And on that bombshell, Goodnight"!
The credits role...
In memory of heath and safety Mathew Hemming,
Sorry that you got eaten by that giant goat
Well… kind of sorry in that not really sorry kind of way
Presenters
Jeremy "AllFather" Clarkson
Richard "Mars" Hammond
James "Venus" May
Camera Men of special note
Jackson Fran (god of brewing a really good cup of tea)
Sam Goodwall (god of really good night shots)
Jim Benlty (god of wankers, yes we said it, wankers)
The producers would like to extend their thanks to the following:
Svartalfheim tourist board (Who would have thought that one existed)
Svartalfheim fight club (Rather not sorry about the mess)
Alfheim (Sorry about the mess, loved the hotel!)
National Trust for Stonehenge (Frightfully sorry about the mess, really we are)
Muspelheim tourist board (Not at all sorry about the mess)
Asgardian tourist board (Ass guarding says it all, but great beer!)
Hel (Who's a bad doggie!)
British Army (Thanks Chaps! Couldn't have done it without you)
Health and Safety (Quote from H&S: Horror, the horror...)
British Humane Society (No animals were harmed in the filming. Well...except for the drake, and the wolves. Oh and the cheetahs, can't forget the cheetahs. And the unicorns, shame about the unicorns. Oh… and the Hydra. Um… do trolls count? Their covered in hair and smell like wet dog. Hmm, apparently the BHS considers trolls as semi intelligent so trolls don't count. So other then the above no animals were harmed, except for the countless gophers and mice Hammond's tank crushed but who cares about them. You forgot the fair. No I didn't. Yes you did… and May is a Prat. I am not you orangutan!)
And that's that I guess… Apart from Scott almost having a stroke I suppose.
Or… is it? One more chapter to go…
