Jess's POV

Warning: Context pertains to a history of domestic abuse + severe panic attack.

I was back at therapy today, hopefully more focused this time, but I still felt numb. I mean I did shower today- so that's a step up though, right? Anyways, I sat on the couch in one of my vintage outfits, feeling eyes on me again. I couldn't help it though, I had to fit in an appointment right after my shift at the store and I refuse to wear modern clothes to the store- I'd look like a hypocrite. I was playing with the braided strings on the end of an afghan when she called me in. I sat down and explained how I had been since we last saw each other. How my weekend was filled with tears, random drives, and overall numbness. I even told her the truth that I never wanted to see Ryder again, just like my Dad, but I knew this one wouldn't move away. I was stuck facing him if he came to pick up Liz from tutoring and in class- and I just needed some guidance on how to do that. "Well, I know you never like hearing this, but remember that we cannot control the way others act. We can only control the way we react and in certain moment, even that is untrue." I nodded, waiting for the real advice to come up. She sighed, "From what you've said about him so far, I think he might try to apologize. He seems different from your father; in fact, I am almost positive he is nothing like him except for the anger he showed towards you. And- I realize that is enough for your mind to connect the two right now, but you have to let him apologize if that is what he chooses to do." I went to nod again, but I couldn't fake content with what she just said. "Why do I have to let him even get a word in? He's the one who stormed out after looking like he was ready to punch the wall or something." She nodded understandingly, "I know you are feeling a connection between him and your father. If you want things to continue with Ryder in a way you can handle yourself around him, you have to let him show you the ways in which he is different from the man who hurt you." I sighed, understanding what she was saying, but hating the idea of it at the same time. I didn't want to give Ryder another chance. Sure, we cuddled and he wrote me a song, but the way he looked at me last week- I've seen that look before and I am not going to risk getting hurt emotionally or physically to see if what I saw was true.

After our session, my therapist reminded me to try and give him another chance before cutting things off. I agreed, annoyed by her random faith in him and then walked over to the main counter to paid my deductible. Once I was done paying for the bullshit I just heard, I walked out and got in my car, blaring ABBA and driving back to my apartment. I hated that the songs reminded me of Ryder now. How dare that little shit ruin ABBA for me. I parked in my normal spot and went inside, walking straight to my room. I turned some 80's rock on and started editing my midterm essay for English. Fuck Faulkner, Fuck Ryder.

I worked for about an hour before I finished and submitted the essay. I set my laptop down on my nightstand and grabbed my remote, flicking through the different shows on Netflix. I rolled my eyes, scrolling past "The Office," figuring Ryder ruined that for me too. All of a sudden, I heard a knock on the front door. I groaned, getting up and walking through the living room, figuring Sher forgot her key again. I opened the door, unlocked the door and walked towards to my room, "You need to do the Zoey 101 thing and just put it on a necklace already." "What?" I froze, realizing it wasn't Sher. It wasn't even a girl's voice. I turned around slowly, seeing Ryder standing there with flowers. "Why are you here?" He looked at me confused and pointed a thumb at the door behind him, "Uh- because you let me in?" "I thought it was Sher. She forgets her key like 3 times a week." He nodded, looking down at the flowers and then at me: "Well, is it ok if I'm here? I kinda have an apology planned out." I looked at him and then at the flowers, "I'll listen, but I will tell you right now that I like baby's breath in my bouquets," I said, faking calm and grabbing the flowers from him. He smiled slightly and then walked over to the front door. "Wait- you didn't even…" I started to argue until he waved Liz in. I immediately dropped the flowers and hugged her tight. Oh right, I may or may not have skipped tutoring yesterday. She smiled and hugged me back, pulling away only when Ryder cleared his throat and motioned to his watch. I looked between them confused, "Wait, what's going on?" Liz smiled and went over to pick up the flowers, "Like he said, it's an apology. I'm just here to break the ice in case you still wanna kill him afterwards." If only they knew how broken I was. I nodded slowly, looking over at Ryder, but talking to Liz: "And this apology comes with a bodyguard?" She came between us, looking at me and shrugging, "More like emotional support for the bro, but I can change form if necessary." "Well, I'm a pacifist, so you can calm down." I sounded bitchier than I wanted and immediately apologized when I noticed Liz flinch: "Sorry. I just- I really can't do this today." I shook my head and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a vase for the flowers, desperate to focus on anything else. Ryder followed me with Liz as his shadow, "So I can't even apologize?" I ignored him, secretly clenching and unclenching my fists while I walked over to Liz and grabbed the bouquet. He stood there, looking helpless and giving Liz a 'do something' look. I put the flowers in the vase, looking over to Liz who had opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off. "No- he can't apologize." Fuck what my therapist said, this is just for show. I know a fake apology when I see one. Liz shook her head and came next to me, "He feels awful though." I looked at him and glared, "No- he doesn't." He looked at me appalled and came up to me, standing on the other side of the island. "Yes I do. Why do you think I planned out a whole apology? I have the damn glee club all waiting out on your lawn so they can sing your song along with their ABBA set list. Just let me apologize first, ok?" I looked at him confused and then walked to the front door. Peeking outside, I saw the kids all lined up like a choir with little candles lit. I dropped my jaw, walking back to the kitchen and looking at Liz. "That's the sweetest thing anyone has done for me." She shook her head and pointed at Ryder, "He thought of it all. I just added the candles." I slowly looked up at a crushed Ryder and gulped, feeling the anxiety well up inside me, "G-go ahead and say what you have to say." I knew she was there for him, but I held Liz's hand tightly. I needed someone to help me through this. Ryder took a deep breath and started rambling an apology: "Look, I know I messed up. I have already apologized to Unique and Mr. Shue- both of whom are standing outside. Did you see them?" I nodded slowly and he continued. "Ok good, so they forgave me. Not that you have to but like, Unique was the target of everything I said and she forgave me so…" Liz cleared her throat dramatically, glaring at him to move on. He nodded and came closer to me, but I flinched. Both Liz and Ryder looked at me hurt and confused. Ryder quickly stepped back, "What'd I do?" I let go of Liz's hand and mumbled, "Nothing. It's fine. I'm ok. Can you guys please just leave? I'll listen to the glee kids sing but you have to go." I could feel my chest pounding and my throat started to close. I started hyperventilating and tears streamed down my face. The two started to panic, Liz screaming for Ryder to get me a glass of water, meanwhile taking both of my hands in hers and instructing me to take deep breaths. Ryder came running over with some water and stood next to Liz, following her lead and trying to calm me down. Having him close again only made things worse and I started sobbing too. The front door opened and Mr. Schue came into the kitchen, asking when they were supposed to start, but then saw me and his eyes widened. He told Liz and Ryder to back up and stood in front of me, giving me some space. "Jess, it's going to be ok. Take a deep breath, just one. Focus on it." I kept crying and shook my head, looking at the floor. Mr. Schue snapped his fingers to get my attention and I looked up at him again: "Nope, come on. You can stop this. You have control. Now breathe." I sniffled, and tried to focus my breath. I took a deep breath, but it was really shaky and I coughed hard afterwards. "One more, you got this." I tried again and I felt a small calm in my chest. I kept taking deep breaths and eventually I was calm enough to sit there, shaking slightly and wiping my eyes. I heard the glee kids walk in and suddenly all eyes were on me. Ryder handed me the glass of water and I took a few sips, still shaking. Mr. Schue instructed the kids to go home and they all filed out, talking amongst each other, wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I've never been more embarrassed.

I sat there on the couch as Liz, Ryder, and Mr. Schue stood across from me, all of them looked worried. I sniffled and looked at my hands, "He used to clench his fists like that and pace before he hit me. Sometimes it would be more like a slap, other times, it would be a full blown punch." I heard a small sigh from Mr. Schue and Liz came next to me, hugging me from the side. Ryder just stood there, not saying anything. He wouldn't even look at me. "The last time was so bad that I ended up in the hospital for a few days. My mom was walking to her assigned patient when she saw them wheel me in. The look on her face…" I trailed off, starting to tear up again. Mr. Schue shook his head, probably sympathizing as a parent, "How long has it been?" I looked at Ryder, who was still focused on the carpet, "2 years." Liz hugged me tighter and I smiled over at her weakly, wrapping an arm around her too. "Why the hell would someone do that to their own kid?" Ryder said, shaking his head angrily and looking at me. Mr. Schue piped in quickly, "Ryder, some people take their anger out on others, even family." His eyes started to water as he looked at me, "But she didn't deserve it." I stared back and him and eventually waved him over to sit on my other side. He quickly sat down and hugged my other side. Both Lynn's were crying now and I couldn't help myself but cry with them. Mr. Schue looked extremely sad, but being the high school staff member that he was, he started asking more important questions, like if I had any contact with my father or if he had tried to see me since. I shook my head, sniffling, "I haven't seen him since. My mom kicked him out that night." It was about time she made him leave.

An hour or so passed by and we had all calmed down, but I felt empty inside. "I'll make sure the kids don't start any gossip," Mr. Schue said reassuringly, patting my shoulder and then giving me a hug before making his way to the front door, "Let me know if you need anything else, alright?" I nodded, still holding onto Liz at this point. Ryder was currently on the phone, letting Kyle know he wouldn't be there so he could have Sher over and not worry. Turns out his roommate is Sher's boyfriend so he has had to deal with their gross makeout sessions too. I texted Leila, telling her that I was going to spend the night at Liz's. She started to ask about Ryder, but I told her I would talk about it later. Trust me, there is no way in hell she is going to find out about tonight, but I will figure out a good lie later. Liz rubbed my arm and looked at me sympathetically, "Our parents don't have to know if you don't want them to. I can just say you're upset and they'll give us our space." I rubbed my eyes, both due to exhaustion and trying to see just how puffy they were and nodded. "It's out now anyways… It's not like two more people knowing about it is gonna hurt." "Don't worry, Mr. Schue is going to shut everyone up. He promised." I nodded, hoping that were true. "Then can we just tell your parents that I'm upset?" She nodded and helped me up off the couch, "No problem." Ryder came over, hanging up his phone and giving me a sad smile. I've been getting a lot of those in the past hour. "You ready to go?" I mumbled a quiet 'ya' and Liz grabbed the overnight bag she packed for me, holding her other hand out for me. I grabbed it and we walked out to Ryder's jeep. I looked around and saw the burnt out candles on the ground. Man, I really fucked that up.