For all of you waiting to see RWBY: SINS be published...I have bad news. While I may come back to work on it some other time, at the moment, I have no real inspiration to work on it more for the time being. Sorry, guys.
Still, my Overlord stories are doing fairly well, and I thought I would do another one. Admittedly, this first chapter needs a bit of polish, but I think it has a lot of potential. Having done more heroic (Harry Potter) or anti-heroic (Church from Red vs Blue) characters getting involved, I thought I could do with a villain, and an entertaining one at that. And then, inspiration struck.
You see, one of my favourite sitcoms of all time is Blackadder. And I was wondering...what would happen if Blackadder took Momonga's place?
Scary thought, isn't it? And yet...here it is...
VENI, VIDI, CASTRATAVI ILLEGITIMOS
CHAPTER 1:
A NEW CHANCE
The vampire known to all as Nero Vipera Berus(1) looked out across the table in the ornate meeting hall. Forty empty seats faced him, a damning indictment. Nobody had come, well, except for that overworked slime Herohero, and even that was not for long. He'd started complaining about his long work hours when Nero Vipera Berus made snarky remarks about not wanting to listen to the man's drivel. Even now, the man's words echoed in Nero's mind.
"That's your problem, Nero! You may be a good administrator, but you're a horrid little man(2)! We should have had Momonga or Touch Me or Tabula in charge, not someone like you! Hell, even Peroroncino would have been better!"
The words stung, partly because Nero knew, in some small part of his mind that actually was capable of introspection, that he was right. The rest of him denounced Herohero as one of the ungrateful bastards who had left Ainz Ooal Gown. Only he was left, out of over forty. And even that would not be for long. After a dozen years of operation since 2126, the Dive-MMORPG Yggdrasil was about to shut down its servers. And with it, would die Nero's dreams of being a king of his own little domain.
Nero Vipera Berus' true name was Edmund Blackadder, the last member of a dynasty that had often been associated with greatness. One of his ancestors was a courtier to Queen Elizabeth the First, another was the butler to George the Fourth when he was the Prince Regent. The Blackadders flirted with greatness, but never seemed to get it: the nearest they got was a deluded dream brought about by too much time travel.
Blackadder's family fortune, however, had been lost by his grandfather through bad investments and gambling. Even a company established by his ancestors had been taken over by the Melchett-Darling Conglomerate. And Edmund was left with nothing. Not even a Baldrick: the last Baldrick, astonishingly, had drowned in the Solent in 2081, the mephitic corpse of the last of the Baldricks doing more to wipe out the ecosystem of the world's oceans than any oil slick or toxic waste dumping (an irony, considering that Baldrick's line probably crawled out of the primordial soup, and yet had doomed all marine life by returning to the oceans). The best he managed to do was to get a job as a call centre operator in the company his family once owned.
Yggdrasil had been the only thing in his life worth living for. So had Ainz Ooal Gown. And yet, having now made it to the top of this fantasy world…he felt hollow. Unsatisfied.
Standing with a decisive air, he walked over to the staff floating in an alcove in the corner, the customised Guild Weapon, the Staff of Ainz Ooal Gown. Ornate and powerful, it was all going to be deleted, along with everything else. With a sigh, he took it from the alcove, and began wandering the Tomb of Nazarick, heading for the throne room, Legemeton.
On the way, he ran into Sebas Tian, the chief butler of the Tomb of Nazarick, and his battle maids, the Pleiades. Blackadder couldn't help but smile. From what he heard, the Baldricks were mostly incompetent, and he would have preferred to have Sebas as a retainer. Though he did create an NPC in Baldrick's likeness, as the Floor Guardian of the Eighth Floor. He made that Baldrick intelligent, though. Not too intelligent, but enough so that he might be a useful sounding board. Not that he could communicate in any meaningful way.
And then, there were the Pleiades, all sexy maids, each a different monster girl, although the only one with an overtly monstrous appearance was Entoma. Blackadder was amazed that Peroroncino didn't have a part to play in creating these maids, given the infamous libido of said player: hell, that bird brain had made his own Floor Guardian who was basically a Gothic Lolita vampire. Blackadder had altered her appearance settings a while ago so she looked like an adult. Not that he could bang her, or any of the NPCs, as naming and shaming players who tried it was common practise in Yggdrasil. Despite what Peroroncino wanted to do.
Peroroncino was probably one of the few players Blackadder got along with, the man's obsession with porn games aside. At least he was interesting to talk to, as long as you tuned out the squick. Still, given his avian avatar, he really put the birdbrain into birdbrain. Blackadder heard rumours that Peroroncino and his sister, along with Momonga, had started up their own guild, along with a few other members of Ainz Ooal Gown. Traitors, he thought of them as. If they didn't like the way he ran things, they deserved to be banned from the guild.
Still, the NPCs were loyal. They were more loyal than a sycophant fresh from Sycophants-R-Us, slathered in Suck-Up Oil. Then again, they were programmed that way. A pity they couldn't be his loyal minions in reality, so he could conquer the world. Then again, what was there to conquer in this polluted shithole of a world?
Blackadder's sigh echoed around the throne room as he entered. He walked along the vast hall, and ascended to the throne, dismissing Sebas and the maid harem along the way. Waiting near the throne, holding a magic rod of some sort, was another NPC, Albedo.
Albedo was created by that weirdo Tabula Smaragdina, who had written a backstory easily the length of a novella for her. Blackadder should know: on a whim, he read it. And regretted it. Earlier today, knowing Tabula would probably never come back, he rewrote the last sentence. Instead of saying She's a bitch, he put down, She is in love with Blackadder. Petty and stupid, but Blackadder was feeling petulant. And lonely.
She was the epitome of beauty, her slender figure clad in an elegant white dress. A golden, spiderweb-like necklace was draped across her generous breasts. Dark hair framed a face fit for a goddess, a faint smile perpetually present on her lips. But she was no deity, at least of the benevolent kind: her eyes were golden with slitted pupils. A pair of horns curled around her head from her temples like a diabolical coronet. And a pair of jet-black wings protruded from her hips. A Succubus, in short. A literally horny devil.
Blackadder got to the throne, and sat down, crossing his legs, and looking down at the NPCs. It should be this way, he thought, even as he spoke out loud, "Bow down." The NPCs promptly obeyed.
He must have looked a sight, really. He kept his features to a degree, of a dark-haired man with a square face that was somewhat flexible. He was dressed in a dark cloak over old-fashioned clothing that wouldn't have looked out of place on Christopher Lee in those old Hammer Horror films. He had an emblem sewn on his lapels. On his right lapel, he had the insignia of Ainz Ooal Gown. On his left, he had his family's coat of arms, of a black serpent rearing up, and the motto Veni, Vidi, Castratavi Illegitimos. Or, I came, I saw, I castrated the bastards(3).
As the clock counted down towards midnight, Blackadder sighed. What I wouldn't give for a chance to conquer a world with these guys? I want to be a king…no, an emperor, and of a world worth conquering. And I want a harem of willing and nubile concubines. Is that too much to ask?
And then, the clock reached midnight…
And continued ticking on.
Blackadder blinked in confusion. Did they push back the shutdown time or something? He opened his console menu…or at least tried to. But nothing appeared. His frown deepened. GM Call? Nope. Logout? Nada. It seemed someone, somewhere, had pulled a Baldrick, and had thoroughly screwed things up more than an overenthusiastic carpenter.
And then, something happened that made it even more weird. He heard a voice, a beautiful, angelic voice that he wasn't expecting to hear.
"Is there something wrong, Lord Blackadder?"
Blackadder started, and then looked over at the source of the voice. Except it shouldn't be possible. And yet, he had heard it from the lips of the kneeling Albedo, who was tilting her head in confusion.
"Uhh, I'm having technical difficulties," Blackadder said, a little absentmindedly. As she got up and got closer to him, he frowned. He could smell a perfume she was wearing…and that should be impossible. Dive-MMORPGs didn't have smell. They had sight and sound, and limited touch sensations.
"Excuse me, my lord?" Her lips were even moving in sync with her voice.
"I mean, the GM Call isn't working, amongst other things."
"My apologies, but I don't know what this GM Call is. Please forgive my ignorance, my lord."
I'm having a conversation with a bloody computer character, Blackadder thought. Did the server shutdown fry my brain or something? Is this some terminal dream? Out loud, he decided to try to get the attention of the others present. "Sebas, Pleiades?"
The butler and the maids looked at him, and acknowledged him in unison. After some thought, Blackadder decided to check something else. It was ludicrous to believe this, but if something like out of an idiotic anime had happened, and he was on another world or something, he needed to know for sure. "Sebas, take Shizu Delta outside the Tomb of Nazarick and check the outside at once. If there's anyone present, avoid them if you can. If you can't, kill them if they are hostile, and if they're not, ask for information."
"Understood, Lord Blackadder," Sebas said.
As he and Shizu left, Blackadder said to the other Pleiades, "Go to the ninth floor and guard it against any intruders."
As they bowed and left the room, Albedo turned to face Blackadder, and smiled. "And what do you desire of me, my lord?"
"Hmmm…come over here a moment, Albedo."
"Sure!" Albedo giggled and went up to him. Blackadder gently reached over and grasped her wrist. It was so warm, and there was a pulse and everything…and she was blushing like mad.
And then, he realised something. He had rewritten that damned biography that Tabula wrote for Albedo…so that she was in love with him. And if this wasn't some dying delusion thrown up by a brain cooked by a malfunctioning cyberneural implant…
"Albedo…may I kiss you?" he asked.
Now, this probably would have gotten him a slap under other circumstances…but Albedo's face lit up. "Yes! Yes!" she squealed.
With that, Blackadder stood, bringing the Succubus to him, and pressed his lips to her own. Her muffled moans of pleasure were music to his ears. He could get used to this.
So…assuming this wasn't a delusion or a dream…at the very least, he had a large dungeon filled with minions who may very well be willing to do his bidding. What's more, a number of those minions were nubile women that, if this wasn't Yggdrasil, were more than willing to sleep with him. And if his character had become real, then it meant he was now a vampire, and would live forever as long as he could either drink some blood, or rock down to the nearest hospital and raid it.
His hand snaked down to Albedo's shapely derriere, and caressed it. In a way, it was the final test: stuff like this wouldn't be possible in Yggdrasil, or he'd get kicked out and named and shamed. And yet, nothing happened. Well, save for Albedo's moaning becoming more husky.
She broke off the kiss, and was blushing. "So…is this it? Is this to be my first time? Oh, but what should I do about my clothes?"
"Albedo, this is not the place for such things," Blackadder said, before he grinned. "I think we should retire to the bedroom and break in the bed."
Albedo's squeal of delight could have sent dogs scurrying for cover, given how much it climbed into the ultrasonic. And that's when Blackadder knew one thing, with the utmost conviction.
Today was a good day to be a bastard.
Back home, he was a nobody,
Blackadder's fortunes at a nadir,
But now, in this reality,
His name would be a byword for fear…
Blackadder! Blackadder!
The Lord of Ainz Ooal Gown!
Blackadder! Blackadder!
A bastard on the throne!
He has minions to spare,
Enough to conquer this brand new world.
Those against him will despair,
The flag of conquest has been unfurled!
Blackadder! Blackadder!
Demons at his beck and call!
Blackadder! Blackadder!
His enemies will fall!
Blackadder! Blackadder!
From no-one to nightmare!
Blackadder! Blackadder!
Oppose him if you dare!
CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:
Oh dear.
Now, I based this Blackadder mostly on the third incarnation, with some of the elements of the first one. Baldrick, when he makes his appearance, will be closer to his first incarnation (he won't be a genius, but he will have cunning plans that actually work more often than not). Unlike Momonga, when Blackadder realises the NPCs he diddled with are alive and willing, well, he'd take advantage of it. Helps that he actually has a penis.
Blackadder won't be hypercompetent, though. While he was a decent enough player in Yggdrasil, he was better at administration, hence why he was elevated to Guildmaster. He managed to resist being overturned so well, the others either quit, or else made their own guilds. The one I mentioned will be significant later.
Anyway, unlike Momonga, Blackadder will be less intelligent. Oh, he is very intelligent, and he's good at psychological manipulation, but combat is another matter. Though considering his power compared to the inhabitants of the New World, that matters little, doesn't it?
1. Vipera berus is the scientific name for the Common Adder, and Nero means 'black' in Latin.
2. Herohero, of course, is quoting the lyrics from the closing theme of the first series.
3. This motto comes from the unaired pilot of the series, which, while closer to the second series in tone, was recycled into the first series episode Born to Be King.
