Thanks for the reviews, it probably is the best thing happening to me today. I've had a bad day, not just a bad day. The kind of bad day you have once every 36th of the month where everything goes wrong from the moment you open your eyes until you go to bed again...anyway sorry for the rambling but it's really pissing me off. Anyway here two more chapters...

Enjoy ;)

So


Chapter 28: Catherine

I open my eyes and stare at my ceiling. I'm almost sure that I haven't slept more than an hour or two as usual lately. It's harder everyday, but I think I can't get deeper into the sadness. So somewhere it's a positive thing. Lately I'm asking myself why I quit smoking, at least I would be able to ease my nerves a little. But then again if I give into an addiction, who knows how far I could go?... I need to do something.

I get up and go into the living room, I turn up the TV and watch stupid shows. At least when I do that I don't think and that's a good thing.

Lindsey has noticed something, even though I've tried my best not to break down in front of her. I told her I was tired and she's been kind enough to act like she bought it. Nancy on the other hand have been a little more pushy but I had an excuse, I've been putting double shifts on double shifts with particularly gruesome cases so I told her that work was wearing me out. And my actual state of mind is partly due to my physical tiredness. And it's true that lately work has been hard. But it's not the only reason.

I talk about everything with my sister, yet there's some topics I never come across with her. Dating women is one of them. She knows that I've dated a woman before, but that's it. And honestly we didn't talk about it at the time, she didn't question me but I didn't ask her if she was really ok with it. We could have had this conversation, but at some point it's something I kept for myself. She just warned me about not disturbing Lindsey and then the topic was closed. Anyway, it's different now. I mean, she knows Sara – they're friends even, and I don't feel like pouring my heart out about Sara, because she wouldn't be neutral or worse she could be against – not that it would change anything.

So I'm alone with this. Poor me.

I get to the kitchen to have a glass of milk. As I turn to the refrigerator I see the pictures pinned on it, family pictures. Pictures with Sara, everyone seems so happy. Little moments stole in time, moments where she was a real member of the family not just a friend of the family. There are pictures of Sara chasing Lindsey, pictures of Lindsey chasing Sara, picture of them with Jeremy and Nancy laughing at something. Then there's a picture with Sara, Lindsey and me, Sara and Lindsey are tickling me. There's so much life into those picture and I feel like I was almost dead. It's like those pictures were from another time. It just depresses me to look at those pictures so I go back to the living room.

I turn the TV off and go back to bed. I lay on my covers and stare at the ceiling, again. I have to find a way to get Sara out of my head, out of my system, out of me. It's insane to fantasize about something you'll never get. No, I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic which is different. I know that in spite of my effort I can't totally hide my feelings. Sara though, doesn't notice it or if she does her demeanor is clear enough to let me know that it won't happen. She's distant, she's nervous, she's not at ease and she's less touchy. But I think she hasn't noticed it.

It amazes me how such a good investigator like her can be so clueless when it comes to people. Even more when it's right in front of her. I know she isn't self confident but there are some limits. I think she has such a low self esteem that she can't even conceive that someone can possibly have feeling for her, not naturally. Of course she will notice it if you tell her, she would be skeptical at first but then she would admit the possibility.

I honestly can't be more obvious. I mean how can you not see someone literally dying of love for you? Didn't she notice that I was more and more seeking for physical touch or that I was looking for excuses to make her stay home all day or that I was drooling over her most of the time? I feel like I was literally bleeding to death in front of her and waiting for her to notice that something is going on. And right now I've come to the conclusion that I can bleed myself dry because she won't ever notice me.

I need to get over this because at some point it's going to corrupt our friendship. I can't let that happen.

I need to do something.

xxxxx

Lindsey, Sara and I are in the kitchen having breakfast. It's a recurrent scene, almost a routine, almost because it's not boring – it never is – as a routine. Sara and I have picked Lindsey up at Nancy earlier – usually we would have simply take her to school but she hasn't class today so we have breakfast together.

Sara and Lindsey are talking animatedly about something. I couldn't – even if my life depended on it – tell you what they're talking about since I'm not paying attention, Sara's presence generally kills my focus.

Right now, it's like my mind was split in two. On one side I'm thinking about how beautiful I find Sara at this very moment – though she's wearing all signs of tiredness on her face, she has bags under her eyes, she's a little pale, yet her smile is like a glimpse of life. I'm thinking about how much I love this picture, the three of us having breakfast. I'm thinking about how Sara makes Lindsey laugh, how she makes Lindsey happy – she's just given her a beautiful edition of 'Frankenstein' with a leather cover and all; apparently it's Lindsey's favorite book of the moment and you should have seen the look on Lindsey's face; it was the one she has on Christmas day, the one which sparkles brightly, the one of pure joy. I'm thinking about how much I'd like to kiss Sara right now or just take her hand and entwine her fingers with mine.

On the other side – the dark one – I'm thinking about the fact that this moment won't last, that it's just ephemeral. I'm thinking about the moment where she'll have to go. I'm thinking about the emptiness she will left behind her without noticing it. I'm thinking about how I shouldn't fantasize about her like that. I'm thinking about all the depressing things that have been eating me alive during those last weeks.

Suddenly I feel my hand getting warm, when I look at it there's Sara's hand resting on it. I lift my head up to meet those expressive eyes and a gentle smile.

"Are you ok?" She asks softly.

It's weird, I feel like her voice was really far away. I can feel her thumb caressing my hand – hand which is about to burn badly because of the heat from the touch. I shake myself back into reality, I tighten the hold on her hand a little just to assure myself that it's really there in mine.

"Yeah sure." I say absentmindly.

"You seemed... Far away." She still doesn't let my hand go.

"I was... I'm a little tired." I say with the most convincing tone I can manage.

For a moment she sizes my answer and scrutinizes me intently, I avert my eyes quickly. She squeezes my hand and then let it go. The feeling of loss is painful. My hand passed from overheated to frozen, it's like she had given life to something inside me and killed it almost instantly.

That simple touch was enough to make my heart beats faster. It was enough to make me want to cry, again.

xxxxx

Sara 'ordered' me to relax on the couch while she's cleaning the kitchen. Lindsey went in her room to read and I'm just sitting there staring at a turned off TV. It's funny, it's like everything was normal, like the domestic things were always like that. In times like these I taste what it would be like to have someone to share the burden of life with me. I taste what it would be like not to be a single mother.

I have to stop this kind of thoughts because they're just depressing.

xxxxx

There's something soft caressing my forehead. I crack my eyes open to discover a caring Sara above me. I must have drifted into sleep without noticing it.

"Come on, I'll put you to bed." She whispers.

Then I feel myself being lifted from the couch. All I know is that I'm in Sara's arms, I lean my head against her shoulder and lace my arms behind her neck still dozing. She leads me to my bedroom and puts me on my bed gently. Then she starts to go but I don't wan her to.

"Stay... Don't go" I mumble.

"Uh..."

"Please Sara" I repeat and manage to open my eyes a little.

"Ok." She whispers.

She kicks off her shoes and lay back next to me. I snuggle against her and drift back into sleep as soon as I feel her arm on my back, and her lips brushing my head.

xxxxx

I wake up at the peaceful and steady rhythm of her breathing, at sound of her soothing heartbeat; I loved that sound since the first time I laid in her arms. I loved this spot, right in the safety of her arms and on her heart.

I contemplate this moment silently. It's just perfect. And for a moment it's real. For a moment it's like I was with her, for a moment it's like we were an 'us' and not just a 'she and me'. I snuggle closer as if to crawl under her skin, as if to imprint her body into mine. I stay like this for several minutes just enjoying the perfection of the moment.

She shifts and wakes up but doesn't push me away. She looks at me with a sleepy face and a lazy grin.

"Hey you." She says with a hoarse voice.

"Hey yourself." I whisper.

"Did you sleep good?"

"Yeah."

"Me too." She simply says.

Then she lays her head back into the pillow and put her other arm on her eyes. I mimic her and resume my position on her. For a moment I think she got back to sleep but she starts to make lazy circles on my back and as pleasurable as this is, it's a pure torture.

"Cath?"

"Yeah" My voice is hollow as I try to keep my senses in check.

"I have to go home." She announces. And without knowing it she just dropped a bomb into my heart.

"I know."

"I don't want to move, I feel good there."

"Me too" And you just have no idea how much.

She stays silent again, and keeps on caressing my back. Then she sighs heavily, and stop the motion of her hand.

"I really have to go." She says.

She kisses my forehead gently and props herself up, out of my embrace. She sits on the bed and puts her shoes back on. I feel like my heart was smashed against a wall. I don't know what to do with myself so I just look at her.

We get out of my bedroom and head to the living room. Lindsey's lying on the couch reading. Sara just bends down wordlessly and kiss her head and caressing her hair.

"Bye Cake."

"Bye Sara, and thanks for the book, it's awesome." Lindsey replies grinning.

"You're welcome."

Sara grabs her coat and then goes to the door. She stops right in front of it and turns herself to face me. She hugs me as usually but I can't tell you why I feel like this hug was different. She pulls back kisses my forehead, and caressing my cheek softly. She holds my gaze for a moment.

"Thanks for the breakfast and the nap." She grins. "Bye."

And then she's gone. Suddenly I feel lifeless.

I turn around and see Lindsey looking at me oddly, I think she's smiling slightly, then she resumes to her reading.

I go back to bed. I lay down and it's still warm, the scent of Sara has lingered there has well. I grab the pillow she laid on and hold it to my chest. Here we go again, I'm weeping. Great.

I really need to put an end to this.

In a week Lindsey will be gone for five days – school trip. I'm so not looking forward to it. Because it means five days on my own, five days being totally depressed. At least when Lindsey is there I got love and care and during all those precious moments my unrequited love for Sara isn't killing me. But if she's not there I'll hit the bottom.

If she's not there it means I'll be having breakfast and lunch on my own with Sara. I just can't handle this. I can't handle anything more for that matter, being forced to look at what I'll never have is killing me.

I really need to put an end to this.

I'm emotionally worn out. I can't take it anymore. And I'm truly, painfully sad. I feel empty and incomplete. A part of me is dying because a part of me is missing. Sometimes I wish we never got friends, real friends. At least when we were all bitchy around each other, it was easy and painless. Well relatively painless.

I've made up my mind. I'll put an end to this.

I mean I'm stuck. I know she bought the 'tiredness excuse' the two first times and then she didn't push and wait for me to come to her. I didn't and now she has suspicions – I would have been worried about her observation skills otherwise. And I can't deal with powerful emotions. Soon she will be asking questions and without wanting it, I will hurt her and reject her. It's fate.

I mean look at our record. The first time was during Eddie's case, I tore her apart. Then there's been the day I learnt about her and Lindsey. Ditto. Then there's been the day when she was having a break while Lindsey had ran away. Ditto. And last, there has been the 'Greg' argument. All those times I was feeling strong emotions, all those times it ended up badly. So I know it won't be different now, because that's the way I am. I screw things up when I don't know how to deal with it. And it's a little late to change, isn't it?

So soon or later I will push her away and we know what it means, she made it clear the last time. So I'm about to lose her in any way – just that thought makes my heart tighten.

If you ask me why I asked her to stay, why I wanted to sleep in her arms when I'm about to blow it, why I've inflicted such a thing to myself. Well, know that it's not out of a masochistic pleasure. I'm about to lose her, so for a last time I wanted to pretend that everything was like I'd like it to be. For the last time I wanted to taste what I won't ever have, just so that I'll have some memories just for myself, literally carved into my heart.

When I was in her arms for a precious moment I was happy, I felt good. For a moment there was just us.

You know it's the kind of thought that you keep in your Eden garden. The kind of thought that makes you forget your worries even if it's for a few seconds. I have a few memories like that. The oldest one is with Eddie. I was teaching him to dance – my feet remember it rather vividly, and at some point we ended up on the floor and we laugh hard for a long time. Then he just stared at me with a serious face but with a loving gaze and he proposed me. It was the only and the most beautiful declaration he ever made to me. It wasn't a sophisticated declaration but it was from him and it just swept me away with happiness.

Then there's day I gave birth to Lindsey, the most painful thing yet as soon as I had her in my arms, my heart burst and I was in love again and I was utterly happy. The world just faded away. And then there's the day she first walked, the day she first talked, the day she first told me 'I love you mommy'.

There's a few others that are kept preciously into my heart. And now, me sleeping into Sara's arms is the new one.

One week to go before it ends, so I'm going to enjoy every bit of it and stop moping around because I have a lot of memories to make.