A/N: Hi, everybody! Hard decision made.

There are two scenes with closer interaction between a certain pair of characters (Chapter28) and another certain pair of characters (Chapter 33). It actually isn't described, though it's obvious by the narrative what happens. I have spent a lot of time thinking what to do with rating, if I change it from T to M when we reach Chapter 28, or wait until Chapter 33. I have a T version for the special Chapter 28 scene, so I could postpone the change. But then, I'd have to change it to M in Chapter 33 anyway, as that scene is indispensable for the right flow of the story. So, if it will have to be changed anyway, better to do it at once and don't lose Chapter 28's scene. In my opinion the two scenes are quite mild, nothing possibly offending is detailed or described, but just in case, I don't want to risk having the story to be deleted because of misrating.

So, I decided on keeping this story T rated, but posting a M version too. If you feel comfortable to move to M, you can find it here: s/9331849/1/From-the-Stuffed-Pony-to-the-Dire-End

Namarië!


The Company was excited with the news Bilbo, Fili and Kili brought from their search, uplifting moods and making they chat like a bunch of teenagers. They explained the path was narrow and difficult to make, but after all they got through since departing from the Blue Mountains no dwarf was scared of a little risk. All of them spoke at once, figuring out who would do what and when.

"It is right above this camp, we only cannot see it because there's an overhang in the cliff. The bay is large enough for us to move our camp there to, except for the ponies."

"We will see it in the morrow. How long is it until New Years Day?"

"Not much time left, I deem. The moon has almost waned."

"So, we have to move the camp and haul up the charcoal in the burlap sacs that are empty."

"Óin's plants are already incased, we leave them down here."

"Someone must stay to keep the ponies."

"I'll stay!" Bombur offered. "I don't know if the path is broad enough for me to tread along it."

"You will have to get to the bay sooner or later, Bombur. When Smaug is stirred no one will be safe outside the Mountain."

"I'll keep the ponies as long as needed, in the meanwhile we think about how to get me there."

"All right, but remember there will be no other way than to get to the bay."

They slept in a better mood than they had in several days, albeit the cold of the upcoming winter and the lack of a fire to warm their bodies, food and souls. They were almost there. Almost home.

Next day they managed to makeshift sheave with Óin's staff and a tin mug they took the bottom off and molded to have a groove in its middle for the rope to slide along it. With this they could haul the supplies much faster than carrying them all way up, which took some hours because of the winding trail, and was safer, because the narrow ledge was skipped.

Bilbo was exempt from any other duty than to stay close to the gray stone (the "doorstep" as they said after his words in Bag-End, an age ago), and think of a way to get in; although, he was sure it was just a matter of time, of waiting until the sun light of Durin's Day showed the Back Door, and he kept Thorin close to him, just in case. It was so easier for him than he thought would be when Gandalf and the dwarves came to his home, because now they had plans, and second plans if the first choice plans got wrong, and he had not to think about everything himself alone, as he felt the dwarves expected from him in the beginning, although he knew Thorin and some others didn't quite believe in his competence by then. Actually, he didn't either.

The hobbit waited patiently, ignoring Iris' endless chatting while caressing her hair in his lap and looking from the stone wall to the west, and from the west to the stone wall. Thorin was quiet, too, explaining little details of dwarven lore, culture and history to Lily, who grabbed every bit of information and associated it to the knowledge she already had, to reinforce it. Bilbo envied their seemingly smooth relationship, but then Lily was a bit older than her sister, and Thorin had a way of dealing with people that Bilbo simply didn't. Maybe it was what people called kingship. Iris was special to him, but sometimes he felt himself just a big ear, someone to hear her uneven chatting; there were pearls in what she said, but sometimes he had a feeling that she just needed someone to pay her attention. He could not remember if he ever had been this way in his betweens, and surely none who was that way kept close to him time enough time for him to get used to it. But how to explain this to her without hurting her feelings? Albeit all this, she was more than he could expect from any Shire girl, and he knew it.

The sun was setting. An almost black thrush flew down to the square stone with a snail in its beak and knocked it to the stone, startling Bilbo. He saw the direction the setting sun light took, and how it got almost between a stone fork the hobbit noticed when the thrush came down.

"Thorin!"

The dwarf looked at him, startled, and Lily sat up, eager to see what was happening.

"Where is your key? Get the key, we might be on the edge of time!"

Thorin got it from a gold chain around his neck, trembling. He motioned something to Lily and she and Iris went at once to call the Company. Bilbo simply didn't get acquainted with the dwarves' sign language and shook his head. The sun sunk lower until it was enshrouded by a red belt of clouds. The thin, almost indistinguishable line of the new moon made its way into the horizon; evening was coming. They spirits sunk into their boots with the setting sun, for there was no means to grant they keyhole could be found if the sun didn't shine on it exactly that day. Then a distant wind made its way through the clouds, and a thin red gleam of sunlight came and shone upon the rock face. The Company held their breath.

The thrush eyed the dwarves stepping on his snail-banging rock and sang for some seconds, in protest; a small flake of rock split from the wall and fell, with a loud crack. About three feet from the ground a hole appeared, slightly lined with a shine that wasn't quite earthly. Thorin run for it and stuck the key in the hole. At the same moment the dwarf king turned the key, the sun sank and the moon was gone, but in front of them a thin silvery line draw a door, five feet high and three broad, as was written in Thrór's map. The closer dwarves helped to push, and without a sound the door swung inwards, revealing them a dark tunnel into the heart of the Mountain.

Some of them wanted to hastily lit a torch to get in and not to stumble on anything, as they felt sure inside the tunnel Smaug would not have knowledge of their presence, but Balin reminded them of the dragon's sense of smell, that gave them lots of headaches while planning the retake of Erebor. They waited for their eyes to adjust to the complete darkness and advanced carefully. Thorin was tense, but would rather die than show. They felt the walls, roof and floor, and knew it was a perfect rectangle where the hobbits could walk at ease, most of the dwarves would have no problem at all and the elf would have to stoop to walk in.

"It is still early night, what is the next move?" Dwalin asked Thorin, while they stepped out again, propping the door open with a small boulder and sitting in a tight circle. Everyone wanted to hear what their king had to say, but he only rehearsed what they already had planned.

"We must be rested to make everything that must be done in time to take Smaug by surprise, so there is no reason to hurry. We will get all our stuff inside the Door, this can be done in silence, and someone goes warn Bombur of what we found. We sleep this night after the stuff is put away."

"I go warn my brother!" Offered Bofur, to what Thorin nodded.

"You stay by him and tomorrow morning you both feed the ponies Óin's stuff, mind you that they must eat the packs whole, not munch on it, and then we haul you both up with the rope. In the meanwhile our burglar will get in and stir the dragon for it to get out of the Mountain and eat the ponies; as soon as we have a sign that Smaug is aroused we hurry in, and down the tunnel, one member of each team carrying a charcoal sac. Then we divide to conquer, whatever our elf wants to mean with this, in the five preset teams." Thorin called each team, one's name and the team target. "Blue Ant Team. This is me, Ori, Nori and Fili; we will find the kegs and take them to the saltpeter and brimstone stores to use them to transport it; Grey Leppard Team are Dori, Dwalin, Glóin, Kili and Bombur, who are to find the saltpeter and regrind it if needed; Yellow Eagle Team are Balin and Lily, who are to find and regrind the brimstone, this team is only of two because we will need much less brimstone than saltpeter, if Iris' measures are right, which we all hope; Black Buzzard Team are Óin, Bofur and Bifur, who have the most disgusting of the tasks, to find Smaug's toilet; and Red Jackdaw team, who are Bilbo, Iris and Ellen, who will make their best and fastest to keep all of us informed of what is happening with the other teams. Remember to put on your worst clothes tomorrow, we'll possibly never be able to use them again; metal armor can be cleansed, though."

Instinctively the members of each team gathered together, eyeing the other teams to acknowledge who they were and what they would be doing the next day; and, in the deep of their hearts, hoping against hope that they would all end the day alive. They were on their own, no wizard nor any other help to count on, and a living dragon which destroyed their realm and the human town close to it more than a century ago.

After dining and moving their stuff inside the tunnel, Kili and Ellen managed to runaway a bit on themselves, as from the bay there was a path that led uphill a little while. They knew for a long time that this moment would come, when the actual struggle against Smaug would be at hand, so this was the last night they were sure each other was alive, and they knew not for how long. The stars shone wild in the dark night, as they lay on their backs on the bare hill, hand in hand. He broke the silence.

"Are you scared?"

Ellen took a moment to answer.

"I am." She sighed. "I'd rather face a whole shareholders board to announce a bankruptcy than to face what we have to tomorrow."

"We will not even be on the same team." He was annoyed.

"Maybe it is better this way, we could get distracted if seeing the other at risk. But I'll be running all over the place, we will be able to see each other a bit, I deem. And when things are ready we will all be in the hoard waiting for our prey. And you?"

"Me what?"

"Are you scared?"

Ellen took a moment to answer.

"I am." She sighed. "I'd rather face a whole shareholders board to announce a bankruptcy than to face what we have to tomorrow."

"We will not even be on the same team." He was annoyed.

"Maybe it is better this way, we could get distracted if seeing the other at risk. But I'll be running all over the place, we will be able to see each other a bit, I deem. And you?"

"Me what?"

"Are you scared?"

Kili took in a deep breath.

"I am not supposed to be. I am a Durin's heir."

"Put your masks down, it is just you and me."

She changed a hair strand from place. He rolled on his side and caressed her face with a finger, his emerald eyes dark with worry.

"I'm afraid. I'm afraid we will die, and our souls will never meet again because we haven't had a Compromise Speech and I'm a dwarf and you are an elf; I'm afraid you will die and I'll suffer night and day like I know Mother suffers in silence since Father died; I'm afraid I will die and you will find another one, because you are not a dwarf, you are not bound to love only once in life."

"Don't you trust my dwarven-heart, Kili son of Dís?" She reached for his hair and run her fingers through them. "I swear by the stars of Varda that shine upon us, that it is you and only you that I love, and no one else will ever take your place, that was forged into my heart."

Kili leaned down and kissed her, hungry.

"I wish I already had my First Time with you."

"We didn't find a way in Lake-Town, where we had even sleeping rooms, what to say of having a chance in the wild?" The elf sighed. "Yep, one more kick for us to try to stay alive tomorrow!"

Then it hit her. He said "my FirstTime", not "our First Time". It explained a lot. She stored the data for future reference while they headed back to the camp. If they survived Smaug, she would have to deal with a seventy seven year old virgin!

Smaug couldn't remember how long he had slept, as time was not a matter for him anymore. Being the oldest, not to say the last and only one of his race, gave him the leisure to skip thinking about banal things like time. Actually, he was in no need to think about anything at all since he found that comfortable gold bed he enjoyed so much, and he could sleep at will between one and another meal, that could stand decades one from the other.

But then a distant noise disturbed his dreams of greed and violence, and an eye fluttered open. There was nothing to be seen, but there was a smell, yes, a smell he didn't know before. He sought for the source of the smell, and could see nothing; but it was there, yes, as sure as his bed was made of gold. He eyed the main and only entrance of his lair, large enough for him to pass after he made some reconstruction to fit it to his size, but there was nothing to be seen, and he could not smell anything coming that way, either. Where from that smell could be coming?

A slight gust of fresh air reminded him of the small hole in the wall, that he didn't bother to close for its insignificance. The smell came from that direction, he was sure. Smaug sniffed and spoke.

"No need to hide, smelly thing, I know you are there."

Of course he didn't speak in any ordinary form, but more like what Bilbo felt with Galadriel in Imladris; only that she just looked into his mind, and Smaug spoke into it. He got scared, with a lot of reason. But then, that's what he was there to, to stir the dragon, and stir the dragon he would, even if right now he was so scared that he couldn't utter a word.

"Has a cat eaten your tongue, smelly? I can eat more than your tongue if you don't have better manners than to enter my home and hide as a rat. Have you come to steal my property?"

"I..." Bilbo stammered. "I came to see if the legends are true, o Smaug the Great Calamity!"

"Ah, so you have tongue to speak, huh?" He was amused for having got his prey to speak. "And what legends do you refer, smelly?"

"The legends of your magnificent waistcoat of fine diamonds and gems; words run that thou art the most astounding of the dragons of all times, and the wealthiest."

It was always good to cajole a great worm; at least it amused him and made him less ready to incinerate anyone. It was working.

"The legends are true, smelly, as you can see by yourself."

Smaug spread out his wings to show his chest and belly, really astoundingly covered with gold and precious gems. Bilbo noticed a small patch on his left upper chest where some stones were missing, either for not having been attached yet or for having fallen in Smaug's sleep; it didn't matter, it was a weak spot nonetheless.

"Now, smelly, you know a lot about me, and I don't know even your name, nor where you came from. It would be only fair to let me know a bit about you."

Bilbo was not a fool, albeit never having handled a dragon personally, and he knew better than to expose himself and the rest of the Company.

"I came from faraway, from over hill and under hill, from forest and from river, and through the air!"

"It is a lot to come from, but this doesn't tell me your name. Who are you, smelly? Or am I to call you "Smelly" until I eat you?"

"No need to eat me, o Smaug the Tremendous! I'd be nothing but a little nuisance to your mighty jaws, not worthy to be munched by your sword sharp teeth!"

"But you disturbed my sleep, Smelly, and now I'm inclined to have a meal. Say your name, I like to know who I'm eating!"

The pressure of Smaug's words inside Bilbo's head was pounding, and the hobbit knew he had to do something fast.

"To eat me you will have to catch me first, o Smaug the Mighty, and the hooves I'm upon are faster than Rhosgobel rabbits!"

The pounding eased a bit, mixed with doubt. Bilbo let out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

"Fast hooves, hmm? We will see if you will be fast after I eat the owner of the hooves, mister Smelly!"

With that the dragon headed for his passageway and left the hoard, not before sending a mighty spout of fire in the direction of the small hole. Bilbo ran, but not fast enough not to get scorched a bit, and it took a long time after his adventure for the hair on the back of his head and heels to grow again. Anyway, they were succeeding, and Bilbo found the Company heading down the tunnel as planned.

Smaug was completely annoyed. It was unpleasant enough to have some smelly thing visiting his hoard with no inviting, and then he couldn't even see the smelly thing; he should have taken care of that rat hole ages ago. He made his way to the front Gate of Erebor and flew to the opening he made above the balcony for his convenience. Then he flew high and circled the mountain somewhat bellow the snow level, as it was unlikely that any horse would ride that high, and it gave him a good view of the surroundings. He spotted his prey.

To his surprise, it was not only one horse, but a horse and several ponies along. They must have been loosely tied up, as they broke into a run easily when they heard his thunderous wings approaching. That meant that Smelly fellow was not alone, no lone thief needed a whole herd of ponies to steal his treasure, albeit it would be needed much more than that much of ponies to carry even a small amount of his possessions. Anyway, he would eat the horse and ponies for lunch and Smelly as dessert.

It took him not long to complete his slaughter, and felt a bit heavy for that amount of horsemeat warming up his belly, as he flew back to his favorite spot on the south-east spur of the mountain to watch a bit. It was a nice morning to eat ponies, and Smaug felt a good draught of river water would do him good; sometimes he even had some fish along with the water. He flew down to the River Running bank and drank what he wanted, chuckling when a fish shook its tail against his throat. Smaug burped.

Funny, he didn't remember eating pony and burping salad before. Actually, he never ate salad before. His stomach seemed to be going unsettled; better go back home. Smelly would not go far without his horse, and it would be a nice chase; he didn't enjoy himself that much since he took Erebor from the dwarves. Dwarves. It could be good to eat dwarf again, it had been so long, but where to find dwarf to eat? They were not nice guys, they've gone away and never came back to play with him again. Not nice, not nice dwarves at all.

Smaug left the ground to reach the entrance above the Gate and his right wing bumped into the dwarven figure carving, splintering some stone flakes to the ground several feet below. Funny, he didn't remember when he hit something unwillingly before. He descended a bit further from the Gate and walked slowly to his den. The salad was not doing good to him, he was sure. Now, where could Smelly be? If he was inside his house, he would roast him a little before eating him. Just to improve the taste.

But this could wait, right now he was sleepy, and his gold bed was calling for him, and he should not have eaten all those ponies in just one meal. Now it was too late, and Smaug burped salad again, to his disgust, while getting so sleepy he had doubled sight, and stumbled into his den like a drunken lizard. He farted loudly, and laughed at his own sound. The hoard would be smelly for days, but he was not able to worry about it right then. Time to close that rat hole before another smelly one came out of it. He headed for the far wall, stumbling on a metal barrel. Where did that keg come from? Smaug sniffled at it but all that he could smell was his own fart. Disgusting.

Another try for the wall and something got the corner of his eye, a small movement, no more than a glimpse of a fluttering bat behind a gold pile a hundred yards away. He blinked to try to better his doubled sight and a fly bit him. A fly, it could only be a fly that hit his eye, and he tried to rub the injured eye with his front paw, doing more harm than good. At least he had no more double sight, because only his other eye was working properly. Unfortunately, another fly stuck into his nostril, making him sneeze. It was getting awkward enough for him to perceive something strange was going on. Where were that flies coming from? He guessed.

"Smelly! Smelly, come out here where I can smell you properly!"

His head was dizzy, but the pain in his eye and nostril awakened him a bit. He noticed more kegs around him, and they smelled... his own dregs? What were his dregs doing in his bedroom? Too little kegs for him to take them in his paws and carry away, it would be better to deal with that absurd dragon style, as incineration was always an option. He took in a deep breath and fired.


Why you should not skip next chapter: Because a sword is named Dragoslayer for a reason; and because ravens can be very interesting.

Any review?