A/N Ironically, there was a scene in the show where the Kingdom gave swine to the Saviors that had fed on the undead. The swine part in this chapter has nothing to do with that, and it's not tied in in any way. It's something I had written a while ago to help lead into the backstory I want Negan to tell Alice in the next chapter about his father. I know it's been a while since I've updated, so that just means I have to write something really horrific to make up for the wait, right? Nah, it's not too bad.


"Don't you do it, motherfucker."

Dwight dry heaves, grabbing his stomach.

This is Connor's cue to start antagonizing him.

"You fucking make Dwight puke, you're cleaning that shit up." Turns out, putting this acid on Eight's hands was a little more difficult than I thought, and he keeps passing out from the pain.

"Krokodil," Kuzma responds, pointing at Eight's hand.

"Yeah, it does look like that," Connor snickers.

"What's krokodil?"

"It's a bunch of fucking shit mixed together with codeine that gets you fucked up. Eats your goddamn flesh from the inside." Connor peers over Eight. "Passed out again."

"Fuck! What a pussy! Tie him up, kill the lights." Let's see what a few days does in complete darkness.

"Awww," Grimm sulks, lowering her machete.

No one's more disappointed than I am.

"Dwight, let's go hunting. I want a big fucking slab of venison," Connor smirks.

Dwight hauls ass out of the basement and up the steps.

Actually, that sounds fucking delicious. "Connor, lead a team. Take Butcher, Kid, and Kuzma with you." Goddamn it's good to be big swinging dick again.

King greets me before I make it up to the parlor and asks to talk.

"A few of us feel real strongly about infiltrating this Syndicate group."

"Like?"

"Lee for one. He's pretty sour they took his group. Banks, Tara, Bryan, Vasquez. I kinda overheard what you was telling Alice that day in the infirmary. I'll lead a group. We gotta find something, you know?"

"If you're captured you will be killed."

"Wait to be captured or die trying is the way I see it."

"I think having a woman makes you weak, especially when we don't know everything they're capable of."

"Tara is not exactly what I'd call a typical woman."

"It doesn't matter. I walked in on her being passed around between these sorry fucks. It still fucks with me. You bring her, they'll break you that way."

"Banks ain't going without Tara."

I sigh heavily, massaging my brow. "What about your group?"

"Butcher wants to stay close to Alice. Church ain't exactly the fighting type. You need Dalton for that guy that Grimm has grown quite fond of torturing."

"Yeah, she's always the first one down stairs."

"I gave up leading when I came here so I know how you feel. Splitting your people up is the last thing you want, but this is the only way."

I don't have a good feeling about this, but what fucking choice do I have? As I watch him leave, I can't help but feel like this is the last time I'm going to see him, or the group.

The hell? Where the fuck did I put that sweatshirt? I know it's in here somewhe- "Fuck," I scream startled when I shut the door on the armoire.

Alice's eyes focus in on my gut.

Shit. Shit!

She starts to hyperventilate, grabbing her chest.

"Alice?" I catch her before she hits the floor. "Fucking breathe." I hold her by the cheek. "Look at me!"

She's having some kind of panic attack as she struggles to take in a breath. Her arms lock around my neck. "Your mass has substantially increased!"

My… mass? Is… is she calling me fat? "Stop," I snap when she touches my stomach. Goddammit. I didn't want her to see me like this.

"You shouldn't be embarrassed."

"You fucking kidding me? I have man hams!"

Her lips part as her eyes take me in.

Is she turned on? "Don't even tell me your panties are damp."

"I would rather you were portly instead of lanky, and yes, I will admit they are damp."

"My mass is really going to suffocate you."

"Will you suffocate me now?"

"You are a freak, and it makes my dick so fucking hard."

"We shouldn't waste it."

I'll never understand how I can laugh to a point where I can't breathe, and she just stands there like she ain't a funny motherfucker. These few times she's begging me to fuck her makes me not want to only because I like to watch her squirm. I am truly a bastard.

"I have just the thing."

Does she now?

"I will return."

Eh, shit. I poke some of my pudge. I don't know about this. I've been waiting for a while now to give it to her real fucking good, but I can just see my fat ass starting to wheeze half way through it. Goddammit. I gotta turn her down, and find some way to get rid of this fat chubby.

"Close your eyes."

Now never in my right fucking mind would I ever think that Alice would be the one to do so, but when I open them I about lose my goddamn mind.

"Do you like-"

"No! Abso-fucking-lutely fucking not!"

She's in that fucking black corset and stockings from the time I asked her to be my wife.

I rip the sheet from the bed, forcing it around her.

"I-"

"Black lingerie is never to touch your skin!" It's a painful reminder of what I did to her. "Do you understand me? Am I understood?"

"I understand. I'm sor-"

"Be quiet." I let out several quick breaths, then pull her to me. "I'm sorry for what I fucking did to you, Alice. I paraded you around in that goddamn lingerie knowing good and goddamn well that Holly was dead." That has always been my biggest regret. It is absolutely unforgivable what I did to her. I know she said she forgave me, but how can someone truly look past something like that? Fuck, it's upsetting my stomach. "Fucking change. Now," I demand, hurrying to the restroom. I barely make it to the toilet. What kind of fucking coward does that to another woman? It's sickening. I know without a doubt in my mind that I never would have fucked her but it doesn't make it right. I can't possibly imagine how she felt the hours waiting for me to return, and for those forty minutes being vulnerable like that.

"Did you ever consider the events that transpired after I agreed to be your wife?"

I pull my head up from the toilet. "What, like everything happens for a reason?"

"No. You forced painful memories I refused to reveal. Had it not have been for that situation, I do not believe I would be standing here. We've both made mistakes, Negan. The issue is because you dwell on them, not because you make them."

"Yeah, and you fucking deny it. Like everything's fucking make believe."

"Correct, because that is how I cope."

"You already fed me that goddamn line. Sometimes I just want to strangle you, you impassive fuck."

"I assure you that exchange is mutual, lout."

"Yeah, you'd probably get off on it."

"That sounds amenable."

"No shit?" I perk right up and that ain't the only thing except I can't see it over this fucking gut!

"Whenever you're ready, I'll be waiting," she repeats my words back to me.

Like all the times I waited on her to be comfortable with the idea. It meant a lot to me because she didn't pressure me, or make me feel bad. Shit if anyone could understand how I felt it would be her.

I'm pretty less than fucking amused when I see what's been brought back to eat.

Connor smirks proudly as he stands over the swine. "Bitch was a squealer, but we got her."

"I got it," Kid corrects him, "and it's not a her, it's a him."

Connor mocks Kid as she leaves the kitchen.

"What are you, fucking twelve?"

"Fuck her. She's been spending too much time with that stoic fuck of yours." Connor slides across the kitchen floor only stopping when he hits the wall. "Fuck!"

"Sorry, I tripped," Butcher smirks.

"Man, fuck a bunch of you guys," Connor groans.

What's even funnier about this situation is Connor still gets his ass kicked when he messes with Alice, but it ain't coming from me so Alice won't bitch at me.

Butcher gives me a fist bump before hauling the swine away for Kid to gut.

Fuck, I was really looking forward to that venison.

"No, I'm not eating swine, now leave me the fuck alone," I yell at the others.

Connor rips off a huge hunk of his fuck chop. "How's that lettuce tasting?"

"It's cabbage, now fuck off." Connor isn't the only one giving me shit. In fact, the only one keeping their mouth shut is Alice, no surprise there. It's actually more of a surprise when she snaps at Dwight for giving me shit. I walk away from the table and go upstairs to the rooftop to get some fresh air. The smell of pork upsets my stomach enough without having to watch people chew it with their mouth open.

"You left your soup. I put it in your room."

"Thanks," I sigh.

"I'll listen if you want to talk about him."

I guess it's kind of silly to be this worked up over fucking meat, and even more that I relate it to my father. "Is it that obvious?"

"No, it's not obvious. It's why they give you a difficult time. If anyone knew you didn't eat things because of your father's abuse, they'd stop."

I hold her tight. She always knows what's wrong with me. Now to put this shit fucking day behind us.

...

"Alice?" I sit up from bed. Her spot is cold and the blankets are pushed down. I find her in the bathroom, curled up on the floor.

"I don't feel well," she cries. Alice usually doesn't cry when she's in pain, so something is wrong.

I touch her cheek because her skin is sweaty. "Come on, let's go see Nicole." I carry her since she says her muscles ache. As I descend downstairs, it is fucking chaos. Cries and screams fill every level. What the- "You are all sick from eating that swine!"

Nicole and Harlan are both in bad shape but try their best to help the others.

I set Alice down and go check on our older residents Drew and Grady. Then I go find the children. Those are the priority that I want Harlan and Nicole to help. I make an announcement for the others. Tell them to keep hydrated and look out for each other.

Kuzma sets Connor down on the floor. "Pussies," he laughs, pointing at Dwight and Connor.

You know, I think I'm really starting to like this fuck. "Didn't you eat the meat? Like… a fuck ton of it?"

He nods. "Hungry."

I can't help but laugh. He would fucking still be hungry. "Stay with Alice." I point at the infirmary, hoping he understands me. "Alice hurt," I try and simplify.

"Alice hurt?" He loses his smirk and doesn't wait for me to respond before going into the infirmary.

At least I know he'll do anything for her so I can focus on helping the others.

...

"Thanks," I tell Kuzma as he sets Alice down on my bed.

Alice responds to him in Russian.

Kuzma returns her smile, though his eyes well up before leaving.

"What did you say to him?"

"It's kind of foolish," Alice responds nervously.

"Well," I pout, sitting beside her. "I wanna know. I understood papa. That's not foolish."

"I don't want you to be jealous."

"That fuck already told me he loves you like you're his daughter."

"You don't think that's silly? Considering I have a father. Perhaps, had is the proper term."

"Look. I ain't gonna sit here and bash your dad, but he ain't getting any awards. Yeah, he took care of you girls financially, but at what cost? It's great that you can find someone to kinda fill that void."

"He's good to me. As well as Kid."

I help her out of her pants. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like I should have been."

"I understand the reasoning."

I smirk, rubbing her inner thigh. "Will my mass suffocating you make it better?"

"No, I'm going to have to decline."

"I know, nerd."


I lick my finger, then stick it in Alice's ear as I let out a weaselish laugh.

"Repugnant." She gives me a hard shove to the gut.

"What are you doing out here? You should be resting."

"You didn't kill him, did you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't insult my intelligence. He'd be on the fence if you killed him. What was left of him that is."

"He's in one of the lower rooms."

"Take me to him."

"No goddamn way."

"That's not your decision."

"Alice, do you really think that seeing him is going to help?"

"I want to see what you've done to him. To see him writher in pain."

I take hold of her arm before she makes it too far.

"Let go!"

"You're not that kind of person. I know you."

"This isn't your choice!"

"Fine. You wanna fucking see him?" I yank her by the back of her vest and drag her beside me. "You wanna fucking see how I've mutilated his flesh?"

"Stop!"

"How I've set parts of him on fire?"

"You're hurting me!"

"Oh, you're gonna love that I took a cheese grater to his dick. Yeah, that'll be a real comfort to you. Hey, I got a great idea. You can get in on the torture, too! Carve your name in his flesh like he did yours." I couldn't help it. The words just flew out, and now she knows that I know. I stop midway down the hall as I drive my fist into the metal. "Fuck!"

She weeps softly in her hands. "How do you know about Eight?"

I run my fingers in my hair, taking in a deep breath. "I have your journal."

"I see."

"I didn't want it to seem like I was sneaking behind your back, but I wanted answers that I knew would be too painful for you to talk about. I wanted his name. Alice, I never thought for two goddamn seconds he would show up in our fucking home."

"I'd like my journal, please."

"No. That fucking thing is mine."

She collects herself, ridding her tears.

"Don't make me take you down there. It doesn't matter what they did to you, if you see him in the shape he's in, you're going to feel remorse about it."

Alice throws her arms around me, tucking herself away against my chest.

Well… that went a little different than I expected. Fuck, I thought I was going to get the third degree. This entire situation is about as fucked up as it comes. I mean, I'm torturing a human being for Christ's sake. "Do you really want to see him?"

She shakes her head no.

Thank fuck.

"You're squashing me."

"I know." I hoist her up, taking her upstairs. I'm only setting her down after she's found her release against my bedroom door.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Because I just blew my load. Fucking hard. Same reason you're all flush."

"I'm embarrassed."

"The fuck for?"

"The things I say during intercourse."

"That's just human nature to say crazy shit. One time I shouted out that I wanted this chick to punch me right in the fucking balloon knot." I know Alice fucking heard what I said, but she doesn't acknowledge me.

Instead she just sifts through the clothes looking for her undergarments.

My laugh fades as I get a view of her back. "I wish I would have found you in another life that isn't this. A life were I could have given you all the things you wanted. Where your sister was safe, and you didn't have his initials carved into your back."

"Stop."

"No, goddammit, I want to talk about this shit!"

"I like this life."

"There's another one of your weak ass verbs."

"You're on my last nerve."

I sit up as straight as I can on the couch. "I'm Alice, and I can't be bothered with emotion!"

Alice slips on my jacket. "I'm Negan. Wanna bone?"

"First off, I ain't never asked you to bone. Second, fuck you. I do not fucking talk like that."

"Call me Savior leader! Punch me in the balloon knot!"

"Do you even know what that is?"

Alice hangs my jacket up in my armoire. "Your testicles."

"No. It ain't fucking balls. Think about it. All puckered up like that." I nod my head up and down at her.

"You're repulsive. You honestly said that to another human being?"

"Are you really fucking surprised?"

"Ugh, I hope she was thorough when she washed her arm."

I throw myself back on the couch and bellow out a laugh. "For the record, she didn't. You know…" I make a circle with my index finger and thumb, then drive my other fist through it.

"I appreciate the visual."

"Smart-fucking-ass."


"Royal shitter," Connor smirks, laying down his cards.

"It's called a royal flush," Marshall corrects him.

"Same fucking difference, mother."

Sherry sets Marshall's smokes on the table. "I'll be in bed."

It really pissed me the fuck off. Like the tension isn't bad enough and she's gotta flaunt she's fucking Marshall in front of Dwight. Thankfully, Marshall's got the good sense to ignore it, but that can't be said about Connor.

"Dwight, tell your wife to come visit me when she's done with Marshall."

Butcher looks between Dwight and Marshall confused. "You're sleeping with Dwight's wife, Marshall?"

"Sherry and I aren't together," Dwight responds.

"That'll make Laura happy."

"Who's Laura?"

"You're kinda dense, huh?"

We all laugh at Butcher's comment.

"She's a few tables over. Has all the metal in her ears. The one that hasn't looked away from you all night."

"I'm going to bed," Dwight murmurs, starting for his room.

"Way to fucking go, Connor." I fling my cards towards him.

"What? Shit, they're broken up. Damn, when did everyone become so fucking sensitive? Bunch of pussies around here."

"Let me go on about all the ways Joanna used to beg me to fuck her when she was my wife. About how I didn't even put out money at the strip club because that pussy was so eager to ride my-"

"Fucking alright! Shit. Don't talk about my fucking girl like that, Negan. I didn't give you shit when Marshall tried to fuck Alice."

"Connor, I will come across this table and rip your head clean off getting blood all over that fucking douche shirt of yours. You motherfucker, you're just not happy until you rile people up. Maybe you should be the one fucking Sherry. You both like to push everyone's buttons!"

"Leave it alone," Marshall shouts.

"Fuck you, Negan," Connor yells.

I come across this table exactly like I promised and although I didn't take his head clean off, I bloody up his shirt before the two of us are separated. "Goddammit," I bark, kicking over one of the chairs before starting up the steps.

"Negan, do you want me to take a look at your fac-"

"No, move," I snap at Nicole as if it's her fault. I try and rid some of this blood with the crook of my elbow before going into Dwight's room. "I'm sorry. That was pretty fucked up." I take a seat beside him.

He's sobbing into his hands. "I know I let her go, but it fucking hurts."

I squeeze his shoulder some. "I know."

"I'll never find someone like that again."

"Just chill the fuck out. Give yourself some time to pull yourself together before you think about that shit."

"Yeah," he frowns, sitting up some. "What happened to your face?"

"The little prick got in a good right hook before I fucked him up."

"You took up for me?"

"Yeah. What he said was uncalled for."

"I don't even care that Marshall is with Sherry. It's that I wasn't enough. Negan, I don't think that I can be here. Knowing she sleeps two doors down."

"I think leaving Sanctuary would be a big mistake."

"I'm not okay."

"Dwight, your marriage is over. No one expects you to be."

"I see it in her face. How happy she is with Marshall. Like what we had meant nothing."

"Sherry has always looked after Sherry. I think the way she deceived you about her illness is complete fucking bullshit. She did that for her. So she didn't have to have that uncomfortable conversation because it was easier to pretend nothing was wrong than to work things out with you. You know, Dwight, sometimes I wonder if she had one foot outside your relationship long before I came around. Maybe I did you a fucking favor."

"Enough, please."

"She's with someone else already. It just proves my fucking point."

There's a knock on the door. It turns out to be that Laura girl from King's group.

"She's DTF," I mouth.

"Shut the fuck up," he says under his breath.

"I can come back at another time."

"I was just leaving," I grin. I stand behind Laura as I thrust my hips and give Dwight an O face. When she turns around I stretch my arms out and yawn. "Oh, before I go." I chuck my keys on Dwight's bed. "For those supplies you needed. You know… the supplies you needed. In the supply room. That box of supplies-"

"Yeah, I fucking get the point. Can you get the fuck out?"

I snicker all the way up to the parlor.


"Negan," Alice calls for the third time.

I lazily open my eyes with a groan.

"I'm starting my day."

"It's still fucking dark out. Go back to sleep."

"There's this feeling of uncertainty I have. Perhaps a visit with Charli will settle my nerves."

"Let me settle those nerves," I grin.

"I will return in an hour."

"When you come back to bed you better be naked." I pick my head up from the pillow and twist around to watch her leave. Usually, she has something to retort with. Maybe this is one of those times I need to play the concerning role. I fling the blanket off and start to get dressed. Shit it's fucking early as I fumble through the parlor and down the stairs. I take a step back around the corner when I see Dwight talking with Laura outside her bedroom door.

"Sorry, about, uh. That I was so… quick. It's been a while since I've been with someone that wasn't her."

"It's fine. Honestly. You're pretty good with other things."

Dwight clears his throat. "B- bye."

I give him the biggest grin when he comes around the corner. "If it makes you feel any better, I lasted about twenty-four seconds the other day with Alice."

He shakes his head disgusted and walks past me.

I start down the rest of the steps towards Alice when I run into Connor.

"Sorry I lost my shit."

"Guess I should be thanking you. It got Dwight out of his slump. Plus, Alice likes my face all fucked up," I grin.

"Yeah, Joanna felt pretty bad for me, too. With her mouth."

Connor and I get knocked to our fucking knees when something so powerful hits Sanctuary that it shakes it. "What the fuck?!" The windows that line the cafeteria are shot out as glass sprays everywhere. "Alice," I bellow, picking myself up and hauling ass for the front doors. "Alice!"

"Negan," she brushes the glass from herself, hurrying into my arms. "I'm okay!"

"Connor!"

"I'm on it."

"Alice, go find Kid and don't leave Kuzma's side." I'm stupid to think that we aren't like a fucking target out here in the middle of fucking nowhere. Rick had shown up at our gates before, so what stops someone else? I touch my hand to the worn metal when I hear a voice I never could have imagined. I don't even have to open the front door to know who's infiltrated our gates.

"You have five minutes to respond."

Fuck, no, not now. I push myself away from the door, running through broken glass and steel to my Saviors awaiting instruction. As I start to tell my men it's the Syndicate, I can't. If there is any chance some of our people can escape, they won't do so knowing it's them. They'll stay and fight. "This group is trying to draw us out, and when they do, that's when we'll be vulnerable."

"Church and I already thought of a scenario like this where we'd need to escape in a hurry," Cosworth starts, setting down some blueprints. "There were two tunnels built with this factory. The only problem is they don't lead anywhere. Maybe construction was halted or something, anyway, that doesn't matter. Finn put hatches on the north and west side where you can escape from the tunnel. The hatch goes up into a small shed still inside the gates of Sanctuary. We stocked the shed with ammunition and supplies. The shed is flush against the chain link, and the reason it's like that is because we built gates that you can escape outside with."

"Here are the keys to both gates." Church sets them on the blueprints.

"There's only one problem, which is why we haven't told anyone yet. The tunnels are small. Women and children, but you big guys, there's no way you're going to be able to crawl through."

"Carson," I call. "Start funneling the women and children out, then head to the Safe-Zone. Tell Rick these fucks might not be far behind. Dwight, Cosworth, Church, Seth, and Finn, go with them. Kuzma, Butcher, Hawkes, Marshall, Connor, and Dalton, grab every weapon you can." It's funny how brute strength isn't going to save us this time. I just hope that we can fend these psychotic fucks off long enough so the rest of the people can be safe.

Alice explains to Kuzma as best she can before giving him a hug.

"Daddy," Clara cries, latching onto Hawkes.

"Stay close to your brother."

Alice waits until the majority has left before approaching me.

I brush her cheek before pressing my lips to it. "I'll be right behind you," I lie, trying to hold it together.

"I love you."

"You gotta go, Alice."

"Very well." She takes Kid by the hand and calls for Dog.

I give her a weak smile as I watch her head down to the tunnels. A lot went through my mind in that moment. I thought about Eight locked up in that room, and how I wouldn't get to finish torturing him. I thought about the fallen people out back, and how Alice might never get to visit her sister again. But then I remember that at least we could give our people a chance, and join my men up top.

"Your response is required."

"Is that the Syndicate?"

"Yeah," I nod, loading my gun. "I didn't want to say anything to the others but I'm gonna be real fucking frank. I don't see us getting out of this, boys."

"Damn. I was really starting to like this place," Dalton grins at Butcher.

"I don't know what you're crying about. We're gonna take care of this shit, then I'm going back to bed."

At least Butcher is confident because I'm not. "Look, this isn't about protecting our home. Your wives, your girlfriends, your daughters, and our families are out there trying to get to safety. Hold the Syndicate off as long as you can so we can give them that chance."

We emerge from the front door armed to the teeth. The tables are quickly turned and used as some sort of cover. It's shitty cover as bullets chew right through them. I think I spend more time trying to dodge bullets than actually fire them until we use one of the vehicles to gather behind. I'm grateful for my men because I can't shoot worth a goddamn. I can just imagine Lucille brooding with jealousy.

"Shit, here comes another truck!"

Fuck! We're running low on ammunition, and all we've done is just kill a few of their men.

"Goddamn, how do they have so many bullets? Fuck," Connor yells.

"That ain't the only thing they've got." And truthfully, we've been lucky more grenades haven't been hurled our way. "Who's hit?"

"Just me, haus. I'll be okay."

I tie my bandana around Dalton's arm to help slow the bleeding.

"They're just fucking with us."

"No. I think they're playing it smart. They're trying not to attract too many undead with all the explosions." What's even worse is that we're trapped like fucking rats in this corner and they haven't even unleashed their full force on us. "Wait a second." Of course. "They want Sanctuary. That's why they're not throwing grenades at us."

"Uh. Might wanna rethink that." Marshall points beside our guard tower.

My eyes widen at the men with rocket launchers. "Fuck this. I ain't dying like some scared bitch."

"Hell yes," Dalton grins, "I love this fucking part!"

Yeah. You know what? He's fucking right. My reasoning for being alive is to protect our people, and I plan to do just fucking that. "I don't want any of them recognizable after you're done. Gonna be a whole bunch of faceless fucks to add to our fence." As we rise, ready to unload on the Syndicate, the twelve men on their front lines are slaughtered with a spray of bullets.

We look up at the guard tower to see King with Bryan, Tara, Lee, and Banks.

"Now," I yell at my men.

Marshall protects Hawkes.

Butcher protects Dalton.

I protect Connor.

Kuzma protects us all.

This time, the organization is on our side. We decimated any Syndicate fuck that tried to even reach for a grenade. Lucille had to sit this one out, but it didn't stop me from swinging my gun as tribute. Clean across this fuckers jaw as the left side of his face caves in. I jam my gun down his throat when he hits the ground and squeeze the trigger. Like spaghetti in the microwave his blood and flesh splatters on my shoes. It's getting harder for us to find cover from the constant fire flying every direction. I reach inside my jacket pocket to get my final clip. I'm ambushed from behind and hit my shoulder hard on the way down. I try to reload the clip as the Syndicate member raises his machete but the fucking thing jams. "Fuck you!"

Blood spurts from his neck as he drops to his knees.

Vasquez stretches his hand out pulling me up.

"Goddamn, am I happy to see you fuckers." I haul ass across the court yard and make every bullet count.

Kuzma runs out in front of me, plowing through a Syndicate I didn't even see that came around the truck.

"Thanks."

"Friend."

I smirk, starting for another trucks. Now it's time to start getting creative. I pull the rolling door and flatten one of the Syndicate's head only to raise the door again and take cover inside from the fucker shooting at me. He's dead before I even have time to close it all the way. I take his gun. "Thanks, fuck for brains." My concern is one of these scalpel jockey's heading back and giving away our location, but as I look around I see Dwight's group ambushing any stragglers. Guess it was stupid to think they wouldn't stay and fight.

Dog has retrieved one of Alice's knives and Kid's arrows before he starts mauling one of the Syndicate.

"You deceived me."

"Yeah, I did," I smirk. "You wouldn't have left, otherwise."

"Another valid point."

She didn't need it, but I looked after her while we finished off what was left. The Syndicate's cries are music I wish Lucille was here to hear.

"Dad," Cosworth screams.

I raise my gun, but I'm completely out. "No," I yell out at Hawkes as the Syndicate member focuses in on him.

Hawkes is also completely out.

Kuzma latches his arm around Hawkes just in time to flip him around and take the rest of the rounds in that clip.

It was some kind of slow motion hell watching thirteen rounds pumped into Kuzma before Alice's knife finally reaches the Syndicate.

"Papa," Kid shrills.

Jesus, fuck! No! "Butcher, Vasquez!" They're the only ones close to my size to help lift Kuzma. You know, a lot of people think you die instantly from gunshot wounds. It's very much the fucking opposite. Though you wish you did because it is some of the most antagonizing pain and it's clear across Kuzma's face. This is a man who comes across as invincible. Seeing that confidence shaken is a pretty hard fucking thing to watch.

Kid is hysterical as she cups her hands under Kuzma trying to catch the blood he's losing. Her screams only make me want to carry him faster through Sanctuary to escape them.

We get Kuzma up on the table as the rest of Sanctuary follows us into the infirmary.

"I need blood," Nicole shouts.

I'm the first one they take, but judging by the red floor, we're going to need a whole hell of a lot more. I watch Harlan and Nicole act almost as if they've never had a day of training in their life because nothing this life threatening has ever challenged us before. And I thought I was in bad shape.

"Is anyone A-?"

"Please, my blood type is compatible with A-," Alice begs.

"No, Alice, we need one of these big guys."

"I'm big!" Kid shows Nicole her arm.

I know that Kid doesn't understand, and it's fucking heartbreaking watching it. "Saviors, who is A-?"

Vasquez puts his hand up, moving through the crowd.

Thank fuck. Something in our favor. I couldn't ask for a better group of men. Men that shield others without a second thought.

"He's going into shock, move back!"

"Papa," Kid cries, clinging to his bloody shirt as Alice tries to pry her off.

I can't watch this shit, and funnel my way out.

King looks at me and shakes his head. "I know you don't want to hear this right now, but you need to know that what attacked our front gates was just some expendable grunts. We estimated three hundred men and that's if there isn't already men stationed where they were headed."

I grip the railing on the walkway and lower my head. "Fuck."

"We were lucky because we fell right into their laps. They're taking 29 north. I don't know how far or to where. We should regroup and start after them before it's too late."

"No. I need you here. 29 comes to an end so there's no telling where they could be. I'll think of something, but for now take a few people and start cleaning up that mess outside. Secure our gates."

"I just want to do my part."

"You did do your part. If you hadn't followed them back to Sanctuary, or even left in the first place we'd be dead."

"Just doesn't feel like enough."

"It is. We're grateful for what you did."

"Negan," Butcher calls. He shakes his head. "Alice and Kid… they need you."

I almost slip on all the goddamn blood on the floor. There's no way Kuzma could have survived without all this equipment that Alice and the others had found, but his body had been through so much I wonder if we're just keeping him in agony. He's not even awake anymore. I hold Alice close, gripping Kid's shoulder.

"Don't touch me," Kid sobs, pounding her little fists against my wrist. She flees into Alice's arms. "Why won't he wake up?"

"I do not have the answer," Alice cries.

Kid doesn't need to be in here, but I know the only way she's going to leave is with Alice and I can't ask that of Alice. I feel like this is just deja-fucking-vu for Alice and what she went through with me not but a few weeks ago.

Hawkes' face is so distraught, like he blames himself for what happened.

Morale is so shitty from these Syndicate fucks as is. If we lose Kuzma, my men will demand blood and they'll go about it without hesitation which means more of them will die because anger makes you stupid. I know that all too well.

...

It got to a point where Alice had no choice but to give Kuzma blood though it's only to end up back on the floor. Vasquez and I are both so weak, we can't even stand.

Nicole works to remove the bullets while Harlan sews up Kuzma. "Just five more."

All of the bullets missed his spine. One of them has completely damaged his right kidney, but his other one is okay.

My former wives help clean up the blood from the infirmary as my men worked outside to help pick up the mess the Syndicate had made and repair the fence.

Nicole sets her hand against the table like she's trying to catch her balance.

"What's wrong?"

"Just need a second."

"Nicole, you're not good to anyone if you pass out."

"Here," Dalton starts, taking her forceps, "let me, love."

"You're injured," I remind him.

"Was. Took the bullet out. I'm fine, haus."

I notice how Grimm hasn't left Kuzma's side, and it's more than just concern like everyone else. She's frantic and has even managed to drop her guard. Every now and then I'll see her nudge a tear from the corner of her eye. It makes me wonder if maybe the two have something going on.

Marshall comes into the infirmary and I'm certain it's bad fucking news. He drops all these packets at Kuzma's feet. "Celox. Syndicate had a ton of it in their vehicles."

This shit looks like cornmeal as they dump it into some of Kuzma's wounds on his shoulder and hip that Harlan hasn't been able to get to yet.

Alice, Grimm, and Kid help keep the pressure.

It actually stops the bleeding after a few minutes, giving Kuzma a real chance to fight.

...

"You need to rest," Alice instructs Kid, pointing to the chair I'm in.

"No! I don't want to lay with him," she sobs.

"It's not polite to speak about people like they are not present."

"I hate you," Kid screams at me. "This is your fault!"

I bite the inside of my cheek and look away from her.

"Your anger is misplaced, and it's hurtful."

Kid stamps her foot. "I don't care."

Alice flicks the roof of her mouth with her tongue in disapproval while shaking her head.

"Are you mad at me?"

She squats down so the two are on the same level.

It catches my attention when I look over and see how uncomfortable she is, like she's struggling with the words, but that's not it at all. Alice drops her stoic façade for a brief few moments.

"You're so angry, and you're just a baby," Alice cries. "You're going to end up like me. Bitter and cold towards everyone. You're going to push people away because it's just easier not to have those relationships than to be open to the idea of love."

I know she's not even talking to me but her words upset me. I- I swear to Christ I almost broke down right fucking there and said some hollow I love you. I care for this woman more than she fucking knows. More than anyone fucking knows. But it would be just that. An empty response. I'm sure everyone thinks that it's bullshit, but it's the truth. I just can't bring myself to love someone because I don't feel that emotion. In fact, before Alice came along, I didn't feel anything. The way that Alice, Kid, and I deal with things is so similar and maddening at the same fucking time. I just wanna fucking slap all three of us sometimes. We'd really make up one dysfunctional family.

Kid won't even do me the courtesy of speaking in front of me. She just whispers in Alice's ear.

Alice sets her on the table with Kuzma so she can lay at his feet. "I'll be right here with Negan."

I watch Alice tend to Kuzma by cleaning off his bloody face and hands before she joins me.

"Why is she so mad at me?"

"It's not polite to talk about people as if they are not present."

"Alice, please. Can't you drop the shit like you did for Kid and talk to me?"

"Sometimes I feel if we procreated that she would be the result."

I laugh so hard I wake Kid back up. Not exactly the watered down Alice I was talking about, but it was still fucking funny.

Kid gives me a dirty look before rolling over.

Part of me wanted to be like, Alice, look what she did, but what am I? Five? Ugh, shit, that reminds me, my fucking birthday isn't far off. "Get some sleep. I'll wake you if anything changes." At least she won't need a pillow with this fucking gut.

...

Sherry runs her fingers across my hairline as it wakes me up.

"Don't touch my hair." I clear my throat and sit up straight.

"How is he doing?"

"Stable. I guess," I shrug.

"You guess?"

"He shouldn't be alive is what I'm saying."

"Well, he is."

"For how long?"

"Negan, you-"

"Sherry, if Kuzma dies, I am fucked. Kid hates me enough already and now she's blaming me for this shit. And Alice… it would just be one more family member she'd have to bury."

"Negan, this isn't on you."

"Of course this is my fault."

"For as long as I have known you, you have always put the blame on yourself. What if those men didn't attack Tara? What if Vic didn't hurt Alice? In our world, shit like this is just going to happen and, baby?" She holds me by the chubby cheeks. "It's going to happen whether you're here or not."

I sigh and hang my head. "I hate when you're right."

"I'm always right."

"No, you're a bitch."

"Well, you're a motherfucker."

"Do you kiss Marshall with that mouth?"

"That's not the only thing I use my mouth for on Marshall."

What was supposed to be a joke, just made something in me snap.

"Do you need any-"

"I need you to quit causing issues between my Lieutenants. You wanna fuck the whole seventh level go right the fuck ahead but what you did to Dwight the other night was bullshit."

"Jesus, chill out. I was just saying goodnight to Marshall."

"This might be the best advice I ever give you so listen the fuck up, Sherry. Marshall isn't going to put up with your shit like Dwight does, so keep your mouth fucking shut or you'll be out on your ass."

"You don't have-"

"Shut the fuck up, and I fucking mean it! Goddamn, woman, you just don't know when to close your legs or your mouth. We are not on the best of terms right now so don't give me your shit. Now go check on Grimm and see if she needs anything. And, Sherry? Leave Dwight the fuck alone. I mean it." There's a look I don't see often enough from her. Her without anything to say. I don't enjoy making people cry but Sherry had this coming. Shit, things need to go back to normal. Starting with the gigantic fuck on this table. I just want him to wake up so I can go back to being jealous.


I open my eyes to an empty lap, but I can hear Alice on the other side of the table with Kid. They're sitting on the floor whispering.

"I know papa will die, and then I'll only have you."

"You don't give anyone the opportunity to get close to you."

"I let Negan, and he hurt you. Papa would never hurt you. Why do you have to love Negan and not him?"

"The love I have for Kuzma and Negan is different."

"You love Kuzma like your papa?"

"Correct."

"I could never love Negan like that."

"Kid, when someone perishes you don't replace them."

"You don't?"

"No. Sometimes it might feel like you need to, to help fill that void but that's not how it works. You are fortunate that you've found someone like Kuzma, as am I. Most people do not get the opportunity to have that connection again."

"Things were just easier when I was alone."

"I know because then you don't get close to people so when something happens like this it doesn't hurt. Listen closely to my words. I know it pains you to see me upset, but that was something personal that Negan and I went through. You shouldn't have ill feelings towards him because of our disagreement."

"Who am I supposed to be mad at then?"

"No one."

"But I'm angry."

"Anger is a poor comfort. It does nothing but destroy yourself and hinder your progression."

Kid startles me when she pokes her head up over Kuzma. Her big eyes well up as she mouths the words I'm sorry.

Maybe it's stupid to want that validation from a ten year old, but goddamn it's a nice weight that's been lifted. I stick my tongue out at her as she giggles softly.

Kuzma takes a labored breath.

Alice touches his face as he slowly opens his eyes. "Kuzma?"

"Papa!" Kid climbs on the table.

Oh, fuck, thank fuck. "You big fuck, you scared the fucking shit out of us. You okay?"

Kuzma looks up at me with heavy eyes and a smile. "Hungry."


A/N Will everyone let me know their top 5 (or however many favorite) OC's? Since Charli, Vic, and Tim are dead I didn't include them. Here's the list to make it easier. Alice, Bryan, Marshall, Joanna, Nicole, Rachel, Butcher, King, Grimm, Dalton, Church, Cosworth, Clara, Hawkes, Kid, Dog, Kuzma, Vasquez, Banks, Lee, Cindy, James, Hannah, Grady, Drew, and Finn. This will be helpful in future chapters.