Suggested listening:

"Breakable"- Ingrid Michaelson


Meredith sat down on the edge of the bathtub and cried. Her whole body ached; she was tired, and still feeling the effects of spending a long day on her feet after almost a week of doing nothing but laying in a hospital bed. She wasn't ready for all of this: rings and weddings and families coming to visit. Not to mention Christmas dinners and baby plans and being a wife to Derek. Could she even be a good wife? She was just getting used to the idea of being a mother, and now things were beginning to feel all off balance and out of order. From the other side of the door, Derek called her name, and Meredith wiped her eyes.

"I'm coming," she spoke lightly, careful to keep the thick sound of tears from her voice. The bathroom was dark, the moonlight filtering in through the window its only source of illumination. Meredith glanced at the dark mirror and swiped a quick hand underneath her eyes before pulling open the door and slipping into bed beside Derek.

"You okay?" he asked, pulling her close, and Meredith nodded.

"I'm fine."

Derek hesitated.

"I thought we could go shopping tomorrow. Start picking out things for the nursery."

"I have to be at the hospital at four."

"That's perfect then," Derek anticipated. "I've got the day off; we can go to lunch and shop and afterwards, I can take you to the hospital for your shift."

Meredith was quiet.

"…Sounds perfect," she observed finally.

"It does," Derek agreed, laying a hand against her belly. Both were quiet. Meredith knew Derek could feel the baby's tiny kicks and he followed the movement, rubbing slow circles against the spot. But soon his breathing evened with sleep, and his hand fell away, and Meredith was left alone with only her worries and the small kicking against her abdomen to keep her company.


"Derek," Meredith picked at her chicken and looked up, fixing him with a serious gaze, "Have you told your mother yet? About the baby?"

Derek gave a half-grin and Meredith sighed, anticipating his answer.

"Don't you think I would have told you, if I had?" he teased, but Meredith refused to play along.

"They're going to be here in two weeks," she said crossly. "And I don't think this is something we should just spring on them-"

"Two weeks isn't going to make much of a difference," Derek joked, although he had a point.

"Nancy already doesn't like me based on the sole fact that I'm not Addison-"

"Meredith," Derek set down his fork, "You know that's not true-"

"She refers to me as 'the promiscuous intern'!"

"Once," Derek corrected, "And that's just Nancy. Kathleen's much more understanding."

"And your mother?" Meredith pressed.

"Mom's, well-" Derek hesitated, "She'll get used to the idea," he said finally. "After all, you're giving her another granddaughter."

Meredith rolled her eyes, and Derek frowned.

"Meredith," his tone was careful, "…What's wrong?"

"It's not as if you've got to worry about it," she burst emotionally, "You'll always be her son, that won't change-"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What it means, Derek," Meredith clarified, "Is that you're not the one they're going to be judging-"

"They don't have a choice!" Derek exclaimed. "They either like you-"

"-Or they don't," Meredith finished sullenly.

"They're not going to be judging you," Derek insisted, and then smiled. "…Okay, maybe Nancy-"

"Derek!"

"I'm kidding," Derek grinned. "They're coming to spend Christmas with me and my wife to be. That's all. And I will tell my mom," he reassured, and then added: "Today, if you'd like."

"Not today." Meredith looked up quickly, thoughtful. "Tomorrow, maybe."

"Tomorrow," Derek echoed with a nod.


Meredith stared out of the window, and Derek glanced over at her as they drove.

"You okay?" he asked after a moment.

"I'm fine."

The silence filled the inside of Derek's truck, forcing him to say something.

"…You sure?"

"Yes I'm sure," Meredith said shortly, resting a hand on her belly. Truthfully, she wasn't feeling very well -not since last night- and the last thing she wanted to do was spend all day shopping for baby things. But it was important to Derek, and Meredith supposed it had to be done sometime…

Derek shot another sideways glance at Meredith and tried not to frown. This wasn't like her -her emotions running so hot and cold like this- but for now, Derek decided to chalk it up to hormones. He fiddled with the radio and turned it up as a Clash song came on.

After a moment, Meredith sighed loudly, prompting another sideways glance out of Derek. She sighed again, and pulled crossly at her seatbelt; Derek reached out and flipped the radio off. Again silence pressed in between them.

"…Meredith-"

"You know," she interrupted suddenly, turning to face him, "You never told me why you were so angry last night."

"I wasn't angry," Derek sidestepped calmly.

"Sad then," Meredith offered. "Depressed. Contemplative. Stressed-"

"I told you," Derek was slightly taken aback, "-long day."

"Fine." Meredith turned back to face the window. "Long day…" she muttered to herself, "It's been a long six months, if you ask me-"

"What?" Derek glanced towards her accusingly, and Meredith turned towards him wide-eyed.

"I didn't say anything," she insisted. "…Can we listen to the radio?" And without waiting for an answer, she reached over and turned the volume up, and then resumed her sullen staring out of the passenger window.


"Meredith…"

"Don't say it!" Meredith snapped as she pushed open the door and slowly eased out of Derek's truck.

"But-"

"I'm fine," she insisted, shivering in the chill December air.

"You're not acting fine," Derek observed above her protests.

"Well I am. I'm carrying around what feels like an extra thirty-five pounds on my bladder, but I'm fine. What more do you want?"

"I want you to let me be there for you!" Derek insisted honestly. "I want you to understand that you don't always have to be so damned independent!"

"I do!" Meredith objected, pressing a hand against her lower back. She gave a defeated sigh and looked up at him. "…I do understand. Okay?"

There was a long pause.

"…Okay," Derek agreed finally.

"Yeah?"

Derek heaved a sigh and took her outstretched hand.

"Okay," he said again, nodding slowly. "Yeah."


"And then Derek was paged, so we came here," Meredith explained with a sigh.

"So you didn't buy anything?" George asked, crossing his arms and leaning up against the row of lockers.

Meredith shrugged.

"We bought lunch."

"But nothing for the baby?" Izzie asked incredulously. "A crib for the nursery? A mobile? One of those baby swings-"

"Ooh, or some of those cute little onesie things!" George cut across excitedly, "What about those?"

"With teddy bears, or flowers, or bunnies on them!" Izzie added. "And pink: light pink and dark pink-"

"Nope," Meredith shook her head. "None of those-"

"No bunnies?" George clarified sadly.

"No bunnies," Meredith reaffirmed. "Nothing. We could decided on anything. We went to three different stores and didn't buy a single thing."

"You don't have a lot of time to be picky, you know," George warned.

"Four months!" Meredith objected.

"It'll go by fast," Izzie pointed out knowingly.

"Yep," George added as Meredith stood and pulled open her locker.

"How do you know, George?" she asked, unconvinced. "Besides, we weren't being picky, we just couldn't agree."

"Because you're fighting." Izzie observed from her place on the bench.

"We're not fighting," Meredith insisted. "We argued."

"We argued?" Izzie demanded. "Since when do you say things like that?"

"You sound like Cristina," Meredith accused apprehensively, stripping out of her maternity top and digging through her locker. "And it's true, anyways. We had an argument. He was being over-bearing."

"How would you feel if he wasn't, though?" George questioned skeptically.

"Relieved-"

"You were in preterm labor, Meredith," George observed. "You collapsed in the OR during spinal surgery-"

"I did not collapse-"

"George has a point," Izzie commended. "How can you expect him not to be concerned?"

"It's more than concerned-"

"Concerned, and maybe a little overprotective," Izzie admitted. "But I actually think it's cute. I saw him reading 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' the other day…"

"What?" Meredith pulled her scrub top over her head and frowned.

"Uh-huh. In the cafeteria."

"Seriously? I've never seen him with it…"

"Probably because he knows it would freak you out," George commented honestly.

"It wouldn't freak me out," Meredith objected.

Izzie and George shared an apprehensive glance, and Meredith put her hands on her hips indignantly.

"It wouldn't freak me out!"

"Okay…"

"It wouldn't!"

"Whatever you say, Mer…"

Meredith say down with a sigh and looked down at her belly.

"…Do you think we're fighting?" she asked finally.

The two shared another quick glance and immediately gave the same answer:

"No-"

"You're not fighting, Mer." George consoled sympathetically.

"Yeah, you argued," Izzie pointed out. "You're not fighting."

"Okay, because I'm not trying to push him away," Meredith explained, suddenly tearful.

"We know you're not," Izzie agreed.

"It's all because of Derek and his stupid boy penis," Meredith claimed. "I probably would have wanted to go shopping…or at least acted like it," she admitted. "I was trying to be bright and shiny, you know. But then he came home from the hospital all bothered about something and we had really bad sex-"

George took a drink of his coffee and choked, and Izzie rolled her eyes.

"Seriously? I didn't think it was possible," Izzie observed, only slightly sarcastic.

"Well, it is," Meredith admitted. "And it was. Bad. Really, really, bad."

"You're being serious, you actually had bad sex with McDreamy." Izzie sounded simultaneously awed and amused.

"That's what I've been saying," Meredith concluded. "Painful sex. Literally painful."

"Okay-" George exclaimed, clapping his hands over his ears, "That's my cue to leave…"

"Bye George!" Izzie called in a sing-song voice.

"Rounds in ten minutes," Meredith reminded.

"Yeah, yeah," George grumbled as he pushed through the door, "…I hate being an intern."


Meredith joined George and the rest of her interns in the locker room on the second floor and looked around.

"We've got a relatively easy board today," she announced, propping her clipboard against the rise of her pregnant belly. She looked up at her overly eager interns and back down to the schedule.

"Dr. Torres needs someone on her ortho rotation today; she's scheduled for surgery in OR 2 in an hour-"

A flurry of hands shot up and Meredith raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, Eric, that's you-" she made a note on her clipboard and sat down on the bench with a tense exhale. Her back was killing her. "Blaire, you're in the clinic with Dr. Bailey," she continued, "Trey, scut. George and Sarah, you're scrubbing in with Dr. Hahn in OR 1 as soon as Dr. Shepherd is finished in surgery. Until then, patient rounds." Her interns hovered in a small group beside the lockers and Meredith looked up, aggravated.

"...Or just stand there, I don't care," she said cynically, brushing a stray hair out of her face. "I'm sure Dr. Yang's interns would be happy to scrub in in your place-"

There was a sudden, frenzied effort to get to the door, but George hung back, and Meredith sighed and looked up at him as the door swung closed.

"…You okay?" George questioned apprehensively.

"Fine." It was Meredith's favorite word, lately.

"Okay…"

"Thanks, George."

"Sure." George gave her a sympathetic grin. "Thanks for the surgery."

Meredith sighed and stood up.

"No problem, George…No problem."


Meredith rode the elevator down to the second floor obstetric wing and headed for the nurses' station.

"Is Dr. Vann available?" she asked an older nurse as she reached the counter. The nurse recognized her as a surgical resident and glanced at Meredith's name tag, eyebrows raised.

"For?"

"He's my doctor." Meredith stepped back from the counter, exposing her pregnant belly.

"Is this an emergency?"

"Um," Meredith tucked her hair behind her ears and shook her head. "No."

"Dr. Vann's in a consult right now," the nurse explained, glancing at the schedule.

"…Okay," Meredith pressed her hands into her lower back, "Another doctor, maybe?"

"And you don't have an appointment?"

"No," Meredith said shortly, growing annoyed. "I don't."

"…Sign your name here," the nurse sighed, holding out a clipboard, "You can wait over there-"

Meredith glanced towards the waiting area.

"I've got patients. And interns," she added finally. "I'll just leave you my pager number-"

"If you want to see a doctor without an appointment, you need to wait," the nurse said rudely.

"…Fine," Meredith scrawled her name onto the list and stalked towards the waiting area, casting a scowl over her shoulder and sinking down into the nearest chair to wait.


"Dr. Grey?"

Meredith glanced up at the sound of her name and pushed out of her chair.

"I'm Dr. Grey-" She recognized the doctor who had called her name, but had never worked with her before.

"I know." The woman smiled and Meredith hesitated, her hand falling back down to her side.

"…Oh."

"The nurses," the woman explained, "I'm sure you've noticed the problem we have with gossip here." She shifted he clipboard with a knowing smile and extended her free hand to introduce herself.

"Dr. Christie Bell."

Meredith again stretched out her hand.

"...Nice to meet you."

"How far along are you?" The doctor motioned towards Meredith's belly as she followed her down the hall.

"Twenty-four weeks."

"Sixth months," Dr. Bell grinned as she led Meredith into an exam room. "You must be excited, you're more than halfway there!"

"Mm." Meredith made a noncommittal noise, but the doctor didn't seem to notice.

"You've been seeing Dr. Vann, is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm happy to help," Dr. Bell said as Meredith eased onto the examination table, "What can I do?"

"Um." Meredith hesitated. "I've had some cramping, lower back pain…some spotting-"

"Today?"

"Yes."

"Any nausea? Dizziness?"

"No." Meredith shook her head.

"And this has just been today?" Dr. Bell reaffirmed.

"…Mostly this afternoon."

"Hmm…Well, the back pain is pretty general. But I'm concerned about the spotting," Dr. Bell stood and passed Meredith a hospital gown. "I'm going to pull your file; you change into this and then we'll do a wand ultrasound, okay?"

Meredith nodded and pulled at the drawstring of her scrubs as Dr. Bell closed the door. She stepped out of her shoes and pulled her scrub top off over her head, exchanging it for the thin hospital gown. A few minutes passed before Dr. Bell returned, and Meredith climbed back onto the exam table.

"Preterm labor…" Dr. Bell read aloud as she came back into the room. "And you're already back to work?" She looked up from the chart for confirmation.

Meredith picked at the hem of her gown.

"I was cleared by Dr. Vann," she explained honestly.

"Borderline hypertensive…" Dr. Bell closed the file. "Let's go ahead and take your blood pressure-"

Meredith sighed inwardly and held out her arm, deciding right then that this would be her only pregnancy. Her back hurt, she had to pee constantly, and she couldn't even drink tequila. And yet…the thought of something going wrong terrified her, so she lay back obediently as Dr. Bell removed the blood pressure cuff and turned on the machine for the ultrasound.

Meredith propped her legs up and waited patiently for the image to appear on the screen as the cheerful doctor inserted the speculum. She winced at the feeling, and just as the magnified sound of the heartbeat filled the room, her pager began to go off from atop her folded scrubs. Meredith frowned -her pager had actually been unusually silent today- but she knew it was probably Derek, paging to let her know that he was done with his surgery.

Dr. Bell paused.

"Do you want to get that?" she asked.

"In a minute," Meredith answered. "It's probably Der- it's probably Dr. Shepherd." Meredith's gaze drifted back to the screen of the ultrasound monitor as her pager stopped beeping and she frowned, intent on discerning Dr. Bell's expression as she studied the image. A long minute passed, and soon Meredith's pager began to go off again. She lifted her head from the paper pillow and grabbed it from its place beside her scrubs, leaning back onto the bed to read the page...

She read it. She read it twice. Dr. Bell was talking to her, but Meredith had no idea what she was saying.

"Oh," Meredith said numbly. "…Oh, shit."


So, lot's of dialog in this chapter, and it switches around quite a bit. The shopping trip was a disaster...Derek has definitely noticed the tension between them and is responding to that, and Meredith...well, Meredith is really starting to understand just how hard being bright and shiny really is. She's secretly dreading the visit from Derek's mother and sisters, and she's getting frustrated with Derek's seemingly unconcerned attitude about the whole thing...because to her, Derek's family coming to visit is a big deal. Derek, on the other hand, is finding a reason to blame Meredith (ie: telling her she's acting too independent) because on some deep level, he probably knows he should have taken more into consideration the night before when they had sex. So there's a guilt thing there, and he's almost trying to make it about her reluctance to let him in.

Also, Meredith choses to avoid a fight by insisting that she does understand that he is there for her...and that's a good and a bad thing. She understands that she needs to let Derek be there for her, but at the same time, she's kind of avoiding admitting that she is still having trouble opening up to him. Derek also realizes that he's not in the position to argue...and there's a bit of uncertainty there as to whether Meredith would still want to be with him if she were not having this baby. Even though deep down, Mer knows she needs him (she admitted that when they first felt the baby kick and again when she almost miscarried) Derek knows that Meredith has the advantage, because she can resist his efforts and avoid him and walk away again and again and there's nothing he can really do.

...Enough rambling. I also wanted to thank everyone for their feedback, and for the encouragement to continue. I'm glad to know that I have readers that are willing to stick through Mer/Der's troubles...Everyone's reviews from the last chapter were very personal and insightful, and I just wanted to say that you guys are incredible! Thank you!

Hope you enjoyed the update, and I'll try to post again this week.