A/N: Thanks so much to those who reviewed the last chapter: Enigmus, frozenmoogle, kookygurl82, Sakura Ryokan, xxBloodAngelxx, vicki, and Talez (and also thanks to WrittingFulanita for reviewing the first chapter). And thanks to the other readers, alerters, and favoriters of this story! I should have the next chapter up soon!

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Thursday, May 19

Dear Journal,

I know I said I wasn't gonna write in here again until I made some progress, and I still haven't made any, but I got bored. I just got back from Cartman's house. It's late, and I probably should try to go to sleep, but I don't think I'd be able to if I tried. I have a lot on my mind (but obviously that's nothing new).

I can't stop thinking about Kyle. I've noticed that I've become much more aware of him the few times I do see him throughout the day—I'm always studying his movements, his facial expressions, the way he acts around other people—and I've come to a conclusion about all of it: Kyle doesn't look happy.

It's all very subtle changes in the way he acts, and I may be the only one who notices it, but God dammit, it's there. It's just little things, like with the way he walks, for example—he used to walk quickly to his classes, always rushing just a little bit (like most people, he likes to spend most of his time between classes hanging out in the hallway talking), but lately, I've seen him dragging to class a little more than usual, his head down, occasionally responding to people who say hey to him but never seeking people out to talk to them like he usually would. And when he does talk to people, he may smile and laugh, but I can tell it's forced. He doesn't squint his eyes as much when he smiles, and nobody else might notice it, but I know he's faking every damn moment of enjoyment throughout his day, at least the parts I see.

I must've really screwed him up. I really didn't know it would be this bad, I swear. Even when I imagined what it would be like for Kyle to reject me, I thought I'd be the one who'd get all depressed after it happened, not him! It'd make a whole lot more sense for him to be pissed off or disgusted or even indifferent towards the whole thing. He has been ignoring me, but it's been more in an "I can't handle being around you" sort of way than anything else. I don't really get it.

Speaking of being depressed, I am kinda surprised that this happening hasn't really made me as depressed as I thought it would. I'm sure as hell not happy with anything going on in my life right now, but I think I've gotten to the point where I'm past being upset and can only take things as they come and just accept them. I've been depressed enough lately; I think I'm just getting tired of the feeling. I guess that's a good thing. Now nothing can upset me or make me angry or anything. The only emotion I do still feel right now is nervousness. My heart does still beat a little faster when I see Kyle, and the sight of him does still make me want to run away because I feel so awkward about what I did.

But I guess that's okay. That must just be me telling myself that I shouldn't try to talk to him again just yet. I'm not in a hurry anyway, so that's fine. I know I need to do it eventually, but I don't know how. Maybe I'll just wait until my nervousness goes away a little bit. If it does.