I dreamed I was missing
And you were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear
What am I leaving when I'm done here?
"Leave Out All the Rest" by Linkin Park
Ron's POV
September 21, 1944
I opened my eyes to darkness. Blood and sweat permeated the air, infecting my lungs as it seeped deeper and deeper into my soul. My hands shook gently as I tried desperately to rid my eyes of the never ending blackness that filled my vision. My heart was pumping hard and fast within my chest. I knew there was something here that I needed, something that I had to save from the clutches of the madness swirling through the thickened air.
And then like a light bulb going off in my head, a scream both heart-wrenching and blood-curdling rang through the room. I knew at once who that was. Rebecca.
Her name ripped like a strangled sob through my throat, bubbling up inside me in terror. I had to find her. Jumping to my feet, I felt my way through the room. I could hear her crying and knew that if I didn't find her soon, something terrible would happen to her. Another presence entered the room. I could feel it like a spider crawling along my skin and making me shudder with horrific anticipation. Whatever the man had in store for her, it would not be good. Rushing forward, I knocked against a hard, solid warmth. It disappeared as quickly as I'd run across it. Frantically, my heart racing against the confines of my chest, I reached for her again.
"R-ron," she whispered. It didn't sound like an acknowledgment. It sounded like a good-bye, a final farewell. My heart broke all over again, hearing that. And with a loud gasp...
I shot upwards, my body covered in a cold sweat beneath my uniform. I glanced around and seeing that none of my men were near, I heaved a strained sigh. My chest was heaving and my entire body was shaking in fear and trepidation. It felt as if I'd really been there. As if I'd traveled to her in my dreams. I knew that couldn't be possible though. Becca was safe with Easy. Wasn't she?
Doubt and confusion addled my brains and I was left feeling very unsure of myself. I didn't like the feeling. And for a single moment, I hated Rebecca. Hated her for making me let down my walls, hated her for making me fall in love with her, hated her for making me so weak. At the same time, I couldn't help but love her for all those things. I wanted to love her, be with her for the rest of my life. I had never needed something more in my life and I didn't know what I would do if she really wasn't with Easy. If my dream was true...
I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat, forcing it down into the deepest caverns of my heart. I couldn't focus on what might be or else I would lose what little sanity I had left. The only way to get answers was to go to Winters. He would set my fears to rest.
I stood up, grabbed my helmet, and walked determinedly toward where I knew my Company Commander had been sleeping last night. There he was leaned up against a tree, his arms folded across his chest and his legs spread out in front of him. I kicked his leg, knowing he'd fall right back to sleep after I woke him up.
"I'm going to talk to Winters," I told him, already half of my body turned away from him. I should have known it wouldn't be that simple. It felt as if somehow getting to Dick and asking him where Becca was was the most important thing right now.
"Who?" he grumbled, yawning as he looked up at me through narrowed eyes. I shook my head, determined to not lose my patience.
"Winters, you know Easy Company," I said. When he looked ready to say something else, I walked off. I didn't care at this point if I got reprimanded later. Something deep in my chest burned with terror, with such unutterable fear that I couldn't breathe around it. Moving faster and faster, I tried to contain my urge to run. Running would lead to panic. Panic would lead to my loss of control. I could not have that. Not when Rebecca needed me. No, I corrected myself, if she needed me.
I heard Easy before I saw them. I could hear the low grumbling of men talking amongst themselves, the scratching of fabric against fabric as they stood up and stretched. I surged forward, my fear escalating to dangerous proportions. My entire body was frantic with worry. I could feel the whole of Easy watching me with wary eyes. Good to know that I didn't just terrify the men in Dog.
"Ron?" a quiet voice called behind me. Turning sharply on my heel, I saw Winters and Nixon standing a few feet away from me. Something in the way Dick was looking at me...I shuddered with terror. I couldn't contain my pain and my fear. My face fell, my soul trembled with it, my mind became a chaotic swirl of thoughts unanswered and unutterable. I walked forward, my knees threatening to give out beneath me. Every thing I'd worked for thus far had led me to this moment. I knew this moment would make me or break me in every sense of the expression.
"Where is she?" I whispered. My blood rose to a deafening clamor in my ears until I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the very worst. Dick and Nixon shot each other a look. It was filled with so much. Anger boiled within my blood.
"Don't look at each other, Goddammit! Look at me and tell me where she is!" I shouted. I had ceased to become a soldier, a Screaming Eagle. I had become a man so torn and weak that I didn't feel like myself anymore. My fate hung in the balance as I hung onto the last shreds of my own sanity. Dick's eyes avoided mine while his hand made its way to my shoulder. He squeezed there, providing enough pressure that I came back to myself. Like a cord snapping back into place, I straightened up and was able to look him full-on again. The pain, the fury, and the horror were still there. But I could control my face now to ensure that no one knew just how much this was affecting me. I didn't even know why I was still standing here. I knew my deepest fear had been realized. I knew she wasn't here with them. It was the only way to explain why they were looking at me like that.
"She's been gone since we took Nuenen. We haven't heard anything," Dick said quietly. My world reeled and finally came entirely off its axis. Three days? How could she have been gone for three whole days without me knowing? This time, I felt my soul shatter and I did nothing to stop it. I stared off into the distance trying to see what was not there. She was gone, and there was nothing that I could do. I was not Lieutenant Speirs. I was not Sparky. I was a man. Broken and beaten. I slowly became aware of the gentle voice cajoling me out of my stupor.
Ron, please don't give up. Not because of me. You have to stay strong. Stay strong for me. Her words drifted through my mind and ignited something within me. We had a connection, no matter how crazy the idea sounded even to me. As long as I could still hear her and dream about her, I knew there was still hope. Of getting her back and holding her in my arms once again. All at once, I came back to myself once again. My sorrow quickly turned into anger. Did they believe, whoever they were, that this deed would go unpunished? Dick was standing in front of me, his hands firmly on my shoulders and his expression one of abject worry. I looked up at him and felt my face slide into the indifferent mask I'd known for so long. His icy blue eyes flickered once with something that I couldn't identify. Before I could see what it was, he took a step away from me, obviously satisfied that I could stand on my own two feet again.
"What's being done about it?" I demanded. Heat covered my body in a thick layer. I held onto that heat, that passionate anger, in order to block out the sorrow. All I could think about was the look on her face as she told me she loved me. All I could think about was the fact that I hadn't kissed her since England, since she'd first told me she loved me. I had a right to be angry, a right to wonder when I would next press my lips to hers and hold her in my arms. The sorrow pressed down on my temples and I focused all my energy on keeping it off my face. I couldn't break down. Not now.
"We can't do much of anything. But Sink's put out an order that all the intelligence teams in the 101st keep an ear out for anything that might lead us to her.
"So, that's it then?" I asked them, my eyes darting dangerously from one man to the other. I could see them both freeze under the scrutiny of my gaze. How could they stand there and tell me that next to nothing was being done about finding her, "I mean, fucking Christ, how long did it take for you all to even realize that she was gone? You didn't send out search parties? All you did was call up Sink and tell him to fucking keep an ear out for her?"
"Ron, calm down," Dick said, striding forward and reaching out for me with a concerned look on his face. I shook my head, my anger pulsing wildly just beneath my skin, "We can't just allocate resources for finding one soldier." I froze, my entire body rigid with fury.
"She's not a soldier, Dick. She's a woman in case you haven't noticed. Who knows what the Krauts have done with her to get information from her," I said, my voice trailing off quietly. I couldn't think about her being violated and abused. Alone and terrified of what they would use to punish her next every second of every day she spent in their hands. Running my hand roughly through my hair, I turned away from them and started back toward my section of the line. My hands were trembling in my rage, begging for anyone to step in front of me and try my patience. Just when I let out an exasperated sigh, a familiar figure appeared in my line of vision. I glared at him, seeing the stubble and the black circles under his eyes obviously from lack of getting any sleep. The bastard had known all along and hadn't done anything about it. Then again, what could a Sergeant do to convince his superiors that they weren't doing enough to find her?
No, said a small voice inside his head, he doesn't care enough to look for her. He doesn't care enough to go against his superiors and try to find her. I growled at the voice, anger pulsing through me anew. I strode forward and shoved him hard in the shoulder to get him out of my way. I felt the voice smile in satisfaction somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind.
"I'm guessing he told you then? That would explain why you're so pissed off," he called out, freezing me in place and causing me to turn around to give him a blank stare. I walked back toward him and noticed for the first time that I was taller than him. Taller by nearly more than a foot. I glared down at him, trying to show nothing but the fury on my face.
"Oh I'm more than pissed off, I'm downright furious," I told him, my voice a low rumble in my throat, "At you, at the God damned Krauts, at myself. Couldn't you keep an eye on her for five seconds? This never would have happened if you'd just done that." Unlike the other men, Sergeant Guarnere didn't back down. He glared up at me, just as angry and worried as I was. I could see it written in the lines of his face. He'd been stewing over this for three days. I'd only just found out.
Guarnere scoffed, rolling his eyes and chuckling bitterly, "Unlike you, I don't think she should be watched every minute of her life. She's a grown woman, she can take care of herself. Why you even care is beyond me. Aren't you engaged? What the hell are ya doin' still chasing Becca? All you're doing is hurting her. Why don't you do us all a favor and stay away from her when we get her back." I stared down at him, unable to plant my thoughts on one single focus. I could feel the shift. This had become less about blaming one another and more about a test of wills. It was only a matter of time before it came to this. We both loved the same woman and I didn't know about him, but I was ready to fight to the death to win her over. I knew, somewhere in the depths of my heart, that I was supposed to be with her. Why else would I have had those dreams before I'd even known who she was? She'd had the dreams too, which seemed to prove my point. But still, I had my doubts. If I didn't do something quickly, she would be swept away from me and I would lose all chances of getting her back. Even if I wasn't ready to admit it to her, I loved her more than anything else in the world. More than that I needed her. I didn't deserve her. I'd seen more horrors in my life than she could imagine. I'd done worse things than she could understand. But I was selfish and being with her took the sting away, made me feel like I could be someone else.
"You'd like that wouldn't you?" I asked him, my voice so cold that I felt myself shiver, "Or have you forgotten that she loves me?" That struck something in him. His dark eyes shifted dangerously and I knew that what he was about to say would change everything.
"I already know how she feels about you, Speirs. She loves me too. She told me so and if ya think that I'm just going to give her up without a fight, you're crazier than I thought you were.
"You can't deny that I'm better for her anyway. I'm just waiting for the day when she realizes that," he concluded. I felt a cold shudder wound its way down my spine as I watched him walk away. He was right. He was better for her. He didn't have a fiancee waiting for him in England. He didn't run away from her when she needed him most.
All these thoughts ran in quick succession through my brain. I thought about them for several minutes, wondering desperately what I could do to change her mind. What I could do to be better for her. I couldn't lose her to Bill Guarnere, I wouldn't. I would just have to try harder. First how could I find her again?
Becca's POV
September 23, 1944
The sharp crack of a whip resounded in the air, filling me with the utmost fear. I opened my eyes, and was greeted immediately by darkness. I could feel the cold air biting at my bare skin. Letting out a small whimper, I noticed that my arms were strained above my head, caught in the claws of ropes that were rubbing my wrists raw. The blood flowed freely down my arm. I could feel its warm, flowing descent as it became lost in my black hair. Even as the despair loomed above me, I knew that I had to get out of here. I strained my eyes, trying to catch even the faintest glimmer of light so that I could see. And then I felt it. The brush of someone's skin against my own. When their fingertips trailed along the outline of my hip, I realized that I wasn't wearing any clothes. Tears suddenly sprang to my eyes, taking the hope of seeing in this darkened room with them. All at once, the memories came rushing back. Of where I was and who I was with.
For the first time, I saw the blood soaking through my pant leg. I didn't have enough time to fully access the damage before a man of a large and imposing figure appeared in the doorway to my left. I stared up at him, fear coursing through my veins like poison. I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat but before I could do anything to defend myself, the man was on top of me. His fist collided with the side of my head.
Then leering faces were peering up at me.
Then, fingers were trapping my wrists above my head as they tied me to the beams of the roof.
Now hands roaming the virginal planes of my body as I writhed above them in fear as wild and untameable as the seas.
"Please!" I screamed, closing my mind to the horrors that I had endured thus far. How could I have forgotten those memories even for a moment? Fear seized me when I heard a dark chuckle resound through the room. The sound was all around me. It made a chill run down my spine and the depths of my soul shuddered with the thoughts of what this man might do to me.
How I wished things could have turned out differently. I would never see Bill again, never see any of the men that had become my family in the span of less than a year. I would never see Ron again. Sobs shook my shoulders at that thought. It grew to be too much. The pain of losing him. It seared through my chest and made breathing difficult.
"Ron, oh God," I whimpered into the abyss of the room. I didn't care that the other man would hear it. I didn't care about anything anymore. My entire life was over. My reason for living was gone and all I could do was succumb to the madness within my soul and the confines of my prison. I heard the dark chuckle again. It was closer this time and I could feel the danger permeating off of him as I moved ever closer. His hot breath made a slithering trail from the back of my neck to the middle of my back. The whip fell, unnoticed at the man's feet as his hands made quick work of what little modesty and dignity I had left. His fingers snaked around my sides, cupping my breasts and pressing his obvious erection to my thigh.
"You like this," he whispered, his German accent obvious in the silence descending around us. With my sharp intake of breath, he was encouraged. Further down his searching hands memorized the contours of my body. My horror and shame threatened to consume me. Anger quickly followed. This was not his place. I would not give him what he wanted. Not in a million years and as the fury warred within me for control, I kicked my foot back and came in contact with his groin. He fell backwards immediately, his groan of pain filling my ears and making me smile with satisfaction. Maybe he'd realize that I wasn't going to let him break me without a fight. I couldn't do that, not if I had a hope in the world to get back to Easy and Ron.
"You stupid American bitch," came a labored voice behind me. My heart froze and my breath hitched in my throat. What good was showing him that I was still strong enough to fight him if I was tied up? I felt his hands again on me. This time, about my legs. He forced all his weight on me, pulling me body and straining my arms against my binds. I cried out in sheer pain.
"Stop, please!" I shouted, hoping that someone somewhere would hear me and would help me. It was a vain hope because the man continued to pull himself to his feet with my body. He pulled my head backwards and as light slipped into the room, I saw his face. His eyes were wide, looking down at me with a madness I had never known. He had dark blue eyes and ashy-blond hair. The perfect Aryan, the enemy that we all hated and feared. His teeth were bared in a feral grin that sent my heart into overdrive. He was handsome and if I hadn't known what he was capable of, he would be a heart-stopper. As it was, he was the most hideous man I'd ever laid eyes on. Because of what he had already down to me. Because of the crimes he had yet to commit.
"You will pay for this, you stupid girl," he muttered in my ear, throwing my head forwards and listening to the threatening swish of the whip as he picked it up from the floor. I heard a sickening crunch in my shoulder and had only a moment to wonder what it was before he brought the whip relentlessly onto the bare skin of my back. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. The pain was enormous and I was consumed by it at once. My muscles taut and throbbing from the unexpected blow, I tried to slow my racing heart. It was beating so fast. My eyes slipped closed as I heard the next crack. A loud, terrified, helpless screech filled the room and I realized that it was me. With the next crack, I screamed again. I felt the blood flowing down my legs from the wounds on my back. The cold air hit them and made tears spring to my eyes. What had I done to deserve this? What could I do to get out of it?
"Are you ready to give in now?" the man asked me. I could feel him, poised and waiting to take action as he awaited my answer. I couldn't speak. My heart was beating so fast, the life spilled from my open wounds and made me feel as if I really was dying. It didn't matter any more what he did to me. I would die here and so I remained silent. It was not just his laughter that greeted me in the next moment.
"She is not ready to cooperate."
"Then, we must teach her a lesson. One she will never forget," said the man at my back. He brought the whip on my back once more, this time succeeding in rendering me unconscious.
September 30, 1944
They didn't think I was awake, but I was. And listening to every word that fell from their wicked lips. I lay in a crumbled heap on the ground. I couldn't describe just how filthy I felt. Blood, dirt, and who knew what else covered me from head to foot. I knew for sure that the cuts all along my body from the whip as well as the knifes they'd used on me were infected. My entire body throbbed with pain whenever I moved. I couldn't scream for help either. My voice had vanished from all the screaming I'd done in the past few days.
"Yeah well, I hear we are moving out in a few days."
"Where do you think we're going?"
"Our Commander said something about Nijmejen. Those damned Americans are pushing us deeper into Holland and he is almost certain that they are not crazy enough to cross the river there to come and attack us," the first soldier said. At his statement, the other man quickly converted to using German. The words were punctuated by a furious indignation which I couldn't begin to understand. My head was throbbing. I tried to shift my body to get more comfortable but I felt the sickening crunch of a boot coming in contact with my back.
"Did you really think you could listen to my soldiers talk without me knowing what you were doing?" His voice floated down to me. A sadistic reminder of where I was and at whose mercy I was. The breath was knocked out of me and my back arched in pain. My heart jolted against the confines of my chest, making me sure that I was not going to enjoy what he had in store for me next.
His fingers snaked inside the matted tangle of my lengthening hair, jerking my face backwards so that he could glare down at me. His yellowed teeth glittered in the dim lights. I imagined what he could do with those teeth, what he'd already done to me. I could feel the trail his mouth had made on my skin. From the outline of my jaw down to the insides of my thighs. He'd never put his mouth to my core, telling me that he would save that pleasure for when I asked him for it. His hot breath blowing against my bare skin drew my focus back to him. I looked up at him, fear coursing through every vein in my body. I knew that it was only a matter of time before he did something so cruel, so brutal that I would not recover. Every time his foot collided with my body, I had to wonder if it was the last time I would feel pain. In a way, I welcomed the pain. It made me sure that I was alive, that my time had not arrived. I knew it was just the beginning of the madness threatening to consume me. And all I could now was accept it and hope that someone would find me soon.
He threw my head back to its original position. My skull hit the ground, cracking slightly and making me cry out in pain. All I could hear were the pathetic, wretched rasps of despair that were nothing but a whisper in the wind. All I knew was that overwhelming sorrow before the darkness swallowed me once again.
October 3, 1944
Ron's arms were wrapped tightly around my waist, holding me to his bare chest. His warmth surrounded me, filling me with a false sense of security and making me smile with happiness. His lips skimmed lightly along my neck and shoulder, leaving a trail of gooseflesh in their wake. I shuddered against him, feeling the oddest sensation overtake me. It was like I'd just been doused with water. I opened my eyes and Ron disappeared into thin air. I searched the room wildly for his familiar shape, but then the sensation came again.
I awoke, gasping for air and soaking wet. I spluttered, coughing up the water that had slipped down my throat. I shivered from the breeze that swept through the room from the open door. For the first time in nearly two weeks, I could see. My pupils contracted sharply, making me gasp in pain and turn my eyes back toward the darkness that had become my reality. I heard the cold chuckle of the man who'd beaten me so many times before. I couldn't count all the instances, but I could feel every open wound and every festering slice he'd made on my body. I wondered if Ron would want me after this, if Bill would want me after what they had done to me. They hadn't taken that one part of me that I kept so closely-guarded. Giving it to them would be the last straw. I was holding out hope that one day soon, Easy would come and find me. That they would rescue me and take me away from the Germans who had all but broken me completely.
"Wake up, you stupid girl. We are leaving," the man said, his face suddenly appearing beside me. Leering and baring his teeth at me just as he had that first day. I studied him. Fully taking in the shape of his face, the blue eyes and the blond hair. They made him look almost innocent and incapable of the horrors he'd inflicted on me. But I knew what lay under that calm exterior. So, the Aryan features made him look all the more evil and sinister. I shuddered, finding the strength to glare down at him.
"Where are we going?" I asked, my voice no more than a whisper. I'd screamed myself hoarse. My voice had been gone for about a week. Or was it a week and a half? Time passed slowly here. In a circular world determined simply by the rotations of the men both inside and outside the room. I knew that the man before me was on the "morning" shift and the "night" shift. He was the start to my day and he was the ending of it. I despised him for the fact that my entire day revolved around him. It was sickening and I knew that if I'd had the chance, I would kill him.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I caught the motion of his hand flicking. Several things happened at once. He strode forward and grabbed me by the throat. Flipping me over and pushing me to the dirt-covered ground with his hands, he made quick work of straddling my waist and pushing his manhood against my core. I writhed in pain and terror.
"Soon, my American slut. Soon, you will be begging for me to take you. And soon, your wish will come true," he said, leaning forward and pressing his lips roughly to my neck. I shuddered in revulsion, wanting so badly to swing my arms upwards to push him away. I found they could not move. Every time I tried to move them, my shoulder's screamed in agony. They hadn't let me down in two days and it felt like my arms were still paralyzed. The man pushed himself away from me and made another movement with his hand. As if the two men behind him had been waiting, they swept down upon me and hoisted me to my feet.
"Get her dressed. We're moving out in an hour," he said to his men. He stared at me for a moment longer, allowing me to see the full extent of his hatred for me. It drove like a spear through my heart and I could only wonder what horrors lay before me now.
So I'm not quite sure how everyone will take this chapter. I did rate this story M for a reason, only one of which being the torture scenes in this chapter. So I really hope that no one hates me too terribly for making this happen to Becca. Thank you so much to everyone who has been leaving me reviews. I can't even tell you guys how much it means to me. Captain ty, Dean's Leather Jacket, EllieMayy, Karla with the K, Nemo, BrokenAngel1753, AivieEnchanted, and BloodUponTheRisers are all officially my favorite people right now because they reviewed last chapter.
To Karla with the K: You don't even know how much I love you! For reviewing and for leaving such wonderful comments about my story. I really want you to know how greatly appreciated your thoughts were to me. And I'm so deeply flattered that you check the site for my story updates. I hope this chapter made you as happy as the last one. :D
To Nemo: Here you go, I hope this satisfied your fanfiction needs too. Thanks so much for leaving a review. It made me smile! :)
To BloodUponTheRisers: If I didn't reply to your review, I am SO sorry. I'm in the middle of packing all my stuff up to go to college. And let me tell you, more than a few really important things in the world of FF have been slipping my mind recently. Not the least of which is keeping up with your story. Expect my comments on the last two chapters of your story very soon. :)
In other news, check out my profile for story updates, an awesomely epic poll, and news on what I'm currently working on for !
Disclaimer: No disrespect is meant toward the real men on which this story is based. I only own my OCs, my sick sense of spicing up my character's lives, and the original plot for this fic.
