A/N:Hey everyone! Thank you so much for the spectacular reviews for the previous chapter, I loved reading the reactions to Paige. So general consensus is she needs a good punch to the face! I'll see what I can do. ;) I'm not totally happy with this chapter, it feels rushed in places and I don't feel like I ended it well. But as it's nearly 1am I'm in no mood to go back over it again, so I pinkie promise the next chapter will be a lot better. I'm already itching to write that. I've also been re-reading the Mediator series again - and fell in love with Jesse again - and I've had so many new story ideas I feel like I'm going to explode with excitement! But I'm trying to focus on this one still, lol. I promise to reply to reviews for the previous chapter tomorrow when I can give them my undivided attention like they deserve. In the mean time, I hope this is as enjoyable as possible. Please review. :) Love, love, love!
Chapter Twenty Eight
Some days I watch my daughter sleep and I wonder how I became to be so lucky to have been blessed with her. Stretched out on her back, one arm hanging off the edge of her bed and the other somehow clutching her favorite doll, one leg thrown out and over the top of her comforter, the other tucked down under the covers - she sleeps with the grace of a child who has nothing to fear and nothing to worry about. Just pure restful slumber that I was incredibly grateful for as I stood against her door-frame, watching her rest.
Especially as my night's sleep had not been anywhere near as restful as Alisa's thankfully was.
When I eventually ventured out of my bedroom the evening before, unsure if I was going to be coming across Paige again, I had steeled myself ready for another battle of wits and control with Alisa's mother. I walked around my house, but there was no sign of her and I loudly exhaled a deep breath I hadn't realized I had been holding as I looked for her. Glancing out the window just to be sure in case her car was still there, I slumped forward, shaking my head at my pathetic reaction to having her in my house. I knew Alisa was due home anytime from then and I was relieved beyond measure that I wouldn't have to face that particular meet and greet just yet.
Cowardly? Yes. Necessary? Definitely.
Working through our conversation in my head, I had picked up the last of the mess from Alisa's party, seeing that Susannah had done a spectacular job of mostly cleaning up everything herself. My conscience itched with guilt for not thanking her more sincerely for the part she played in helping with Alisa's party, but I pushed those feelings aside and happily welcomed Alisa home, managing - somehow - to avoid my parents and sisters questions. Alisa's a very perceptive child and wouldn't have hesitated to ask who we were talking about, or more worryingly, pick up on my agitation at the mention of Paige. In-stead, my father thankfully shooed my protective mother and sisters out my door, telling me to call if I needed them.
This left me alone with Alisa again for what felt as though the first time all day. One thing I had to keep reminding myself was that it was still Alisa's birthday, and I was damned if I was going to allow Paige to ruin those precious moments and memories with my daughter. It wasn't easy for me to push all the stress and anger aside and the effort of trying was enough to have given me a headache as I sat with Alisa, watching her open the remainder of her gifts, excited and grateful for each one she received. I smiled as I watched her playing with them, setting any aside she wanted to specifically show Kody, and the ones she said she wanted to have Susannah play them with.
Unfortunately, this only brought on the realization for Alisa that Susannah was not where she would normally be, watching Alisa being a happy, indulgent child like she has been for the past few months. I hate lying to my daughter, even if they're half truths. But all I could tell her, hoping that she wouldn't pick up on my weariness, was that Susannah had to go to work. Alisa's little face pouted and looked confused because she knew that Susannah would've been there, regardless of work. More proof of how much she's been in Alisa's life to have made a statement there. I like to hope it's a place she'll continue to be for quite some time more, but with the new unwanted development of Paige coming back - I just don't know what my future with Susannah is.
And it wasn't something I wanted to discuss with Alisa or with myself right then either.
Exhausted from a busy and exciting day, Alisa was carried to bed later than I expected her to be, but soon fell into a deep, peaceful sleep once I tucked her comforter and doll around her. Hot, stinging tears came to my eyes as she sighed with contentment, her long curly hair splayed across her pillow. She looked like the princess she has always dreamed of being and I felt my stomach and heart twist and churn painfully at the prospect of losing her to someone who has no idea what being a parent means, nor - no doubt - wants to know. With a shaking hand, I'd stroked her hair before tearing myself away and going to my room.
Restless with inaction and stress, I'd stood under my hot shower until the water ran cold, my mind mulling over everything that happened. Once I left my bathroom, the first thing my eyes landed on was my phone, the overwhelming urge to call Susannah just to hear her reassuring voice was strong and tugged me to it without realizing I had even moved until I picked the handset up. Staring down at the phone in my hand, I lost minutes of time warring with myself whether I should act upon the comfort I was so badly wishing for.
But it came down to the same thing again, that this is something I need to figure out and work through alone. Alisa is my daughter and I have to be the one to make the decisions alone.
Brought back to the present by Alisa moving around in her bed, her small fists rubbing her eyes tiredly, she yawned and saw me standing in the door, watching her. "Good morning, princesa," I smiled indulgently, love filling my chest and spreading around my body to warm the cold spots of my heart as I watched her face light up seeing me. Suddenly wide awake, Alisa threw her comforter off herself and giggling ran across the room to jump into my arms. Catching her without a second thought I chuckled, rubbing my nose against hers, and accepting her tight, squeezing hug.
"Mornin' daddy," She planted a small kiss to my cheek, giggling at my stubble tickling her soft chubby skin. Watching me, she settled her little hands either side of my face, watching me with such intensity I almost had to look away. "You look tired, daddy." She innocently remarked, furrowing her little face into a frown. Jiggling her in my arms to settle her higher, she laughed again and the worry left her face.
"That's because someone wore me out yesterday with all her friends," I evaded, putting her down on her feet and ruffling her hair. "Go brush your teeth while I make your bed and then I'll run you a bath," I said, tapping her on the end of her nose, hoping to distract her from how I looked. I know I look terrible; the dark shadows under my eyes and stubble I have yet to shave off haven't helped towards me looking rested. But I didn't want my daughter to dwell or worry about me anymore than she already has in her short life. It's mostly because of Alisa's fear of me being lonely that Susannah has been such a fixture in my life. I have no idea if I would have fallen into a relationship with her if Alisa's insistence to Susannah to befriend me hadn't made such an impact.
But then again, the reaction I have to Susannah is not one born of feeling pressured into feeling feelings for her. I'm in touch with my emotions enough to know that with Susannah everything is different and more potent than anything I have ever felt for another woman before her. The truth of that scares and thrills me in equal measure - and makes me wish she was here with me right now to talk my decision through with her for support.
Unfortunately right now, my pride is just too overwhelmed with everything else to do just that.
Hearing the faucet turning on in the bathroom I sprung into action making Alisa's bed and tidying her room up. Normally I prefer her to do both things, with a little assistance from me, but I need distracting. Although I didn't sleep very much, I do feel a lot better and more positive than I did after my last argument with Paige. Once I'd showered I sat down and really thought about what she said and the fact of the matter is, she hasn't got a snowballs chance in hell of getting custody of Alisa from me and I know it. She can threaten to have her father's money and connections to help her get her what she wants, but I know logically and deep in my heart that she doesn't have any chance. I don't need my damn good lawyer to reiterate that fact for me either.
The more I thought about it, turning it this way and that in my mind, the more I knew that my gut instincts were right and Paige is just testing me in the only way she knows how - manipulation. Lucky for me I've been away from that kind of blackmail for five years and I'm a completely different person who is completely immune to her advances and threats. I had a weak moment last night, but it won't happen again and I won't allow her to try and get one over on me either. Knowing Paige like I do I'm sure she thought she won the last battle between us because she had the last word. I'll let her think that for now; no doubt I'll have a chance to prove to her otherwise within time.
Dropping Alisa's dress up clothes into the trunk beside her window seat, I stared down at a tiara held in my hands, the light catching off the fake diamonds in the crown. The hours of clarity I had during my restless night also brought another truth I would rather deny and ignore than acknowledge. Alisa deserved to know the truth of who, Paige is and meet her. Sighing and running a hand through my hair I dropped the tiara on top of the dresses and closed the trunk with a loud thud, taking my anger out on an inanimate object. Keep a lid on it, de Silva, I told myself, leaving Alisa's room.
I found my daughter filling the bath tub and pouring what looked like half a bottle of bubble bath under the running faucet, the bubbles growing bigger with every second. Squeaking with surprise and trying to stop them, Alisa blew and fanned them, making them fly into the air and surround her.
"Nombre de Dios!" She cried, completely unaware that I was standing and silently watching her. Shocked by the mass of bubbles, but finding the humor in the situation despite how long I knew it would take to clear the bubbles away and my earlier anger at the thought of Paige meeting my innocent daughter. But also cringing at her use of language she has definitely gotten from me. Chuckling at the situation I made my presence known. "Daddy; I can't make them stop!" Alisa cried, panicked.
Turned the faucets off, I chuckled as Alisa worriedly nibbled her lower lip and looked between me and the bath with its bubbles threatening to spill over the side of the bath and onto the tiled floor. "Well there's not much we can do with them now," I commented, reaching out with both hands and scooping bubbles into my hands. Turning to Alisa, I laid the bubbles on her head like a crown. "So I guess you should make use of them your highness." I waved a hand out towards the bath and her face lit up, realizing she wasn't going to be in trouble for pouring too much bubble bath under the running water. She knows it's something I'm supposed to do for her so moments like this don't happen. But if I know my daughter like I think I do, then I know she was doing it so I didn't have to, especially as she can see how tired I am.
Catching sight of myself in the mirror while Alisa played around in the bath, bubbles flying around my bathroom and landing on most surfaces, I almost groaned at seeing just how bad I did look. Steeling myself I had a shave so I didn't look so bad, Alisa even commenting that I looked better. Once she was bathed and dressed, we sat in the living room watching Sunday cartoons and eating fruit loops. My attention didn't stay on the television though as my thoughts wandered to just how I was going to go about telling Alisa something that is undoubtedly going to confuse and upset her.
It wasn't an easy decision to come to once I decided Alisa has a right to know who Paige is. I paced my bedroom floor repeatedly, trying to talk myself out of it. But the fact is there is no real reason for me to not tell her the truth. I may have bitter and unresolved anger towards Paige, but I shouldn't let it cloud my judgement when it comes to what Alisa deserves to know now, rather than later in life. Especially if Paige does decide to make it uglier than it already is. I would rather prepare Alisa now and give her the opportunity to make up her own mind. I know, deep down in my soul, I know that Paige won't stick around. But if I'm wrong and she does - well, that's not something I want to think about too much either.
Completely absorbed in watching her cartoons Alisa didn't even glance up from the television, her cereal soggy and forgotten in her bowl in front of her where she laid on her stomach, when the doorbell rang. Glancing at my watch I wondered if it was Caden having forgotten his keys again as he didn't come back last night. My heart leaped in my chest at the possibility of it being Susannah, my steps anxiously taking me down the hall to the front door in anticipation.
But that feeling fell straight to the pit of my stomach, dread and annoyance replacing it when I opened the door and found a proud and smug Paige standing on the other side of it.
"Good morning, darling husband," She smiled, her expression making the blood in my veins turn to ice as I gripped my front door hard enough to turn my normally tanned fingers white. "I brought breakfast." Paige said, holding up a paper bag as though that would make me suddenly say, 'Oh well that's OK then, come on in.' What I really wanted to do was close the door in her face and lock it so I didn't have to pretend what or who was on the other side of it. Seeing that I wasn't moving or changing my expression of intense frustration, the smile fell from her face along with her hand. "Is this any way to treat your wife?"
"You are not my wife, Paige," I growled quietly, the sound of the cartoons coming from the den reminding me I have a very special and precious child in my house waiting for me, who needed me to not blow the situation into even more hostility than it already is. "Nor are you welcome here without giving me notice." I narrowed my eyes and dropped my arms to cross over my chest, pulling myself up taller.
Rolling her eyes at me, Paige shrugged demurely. "Would you have let me come if I had have given you notice?" She asked, already knowing the answer would have been no. Another decision I had made in the early rays of morning was that Alisa would be meeting Paige somewhere that is not her home. This is a place of haven and security for her, I won't have Paige come in and tarnish that for her.
Shame Paige doesn't feel the way I do.
Seeing the momentary distraction on my face, Paige moved lightening fast and slipped around me into the house, spinning around to face me triumphantly. Cocking a slim blond eyebrow at me, her expression dared me to physically throw her back out the still open front door. Drawing in a quick heated breath, ready to lose my cool completely, I quickly closed my eyes and counted to three to calm my anger down before it overwhelmed me and Alisa saw it. As it was she was about to see more than I wanted her to see today; everything is moving much faster than I wanted it to, feeling as though my tender hold of my control of the situation slowly slipping from my grasp.
"Now Jesse," Paige purred in a way that once upon a time would have had me wanting to do whatever she asked of me. Stepping forward she looked up at me beneath half lidded eyes, her lips smiling at me disarmingly as she slipped a cool hand that made me shiver, but not in the way she thought it did judging from her eyes lightening up, along my arm and to my shoulder, her expensive perfume wrapping around me and bringing forth memories I would much rather forget and replace with a woman I actually care about, instead of the lecherous one before me. "You're only making this harder on yourself."
"Get. Off. Me," I ground out between thin lips, resisting putting my hands on her in case I really did physically remove her from my house. Flinching at my icy tone, Paige did just that, but not without a haughty glare at me first. "I haven't told Alisa about you yet, she's not ready to meet you. Leave and I will call you when I feel like it's the right time. Do not force my hand, Paige."
"I've waited long enough," Paige declared, tossing her straight blond hair over her shoulder defiantly, her tone implying it was my fault she has never met or gotten to know her daughter. The accusation made my blood boil. "I'm ready now." Spinning on her heel, she marched down the hall towards the den. My heart leaping into my throat I threw the door closed and raced after her, grabbing her by the elbow and spinning her back towards me. But it was too late, Alisa had already the clack of the heels on the polished wood floor and she was up and coming towards us with interest.
Quickly as if burned, I let Paige go; I didn't want Alisa seeing me holding her that way, or catch sight of the furious look on my face. Side stepping Paige I quickly met Alisa and scooped her up into my arms, terror seizing my body and making me jerky and stiff as I cuddled her close to me, turning so she couldn't see Paige properly.
Of course once again, that didn't stop Paige.
Stepping around me until she was as close as possible, she smiled deceivingly at Alisa.
"Hello, who are you?" Alisa politely asked, her arms wrapping around my neck and cuddling closer to me as if she sensed the woman staring at her was someone not to be trusted. I like to hope that was why she was cuddling me anyway. Truth is it's just as likely to be because she was picking up on my agitation as I tensely held her close to me, trying to protect her as best I could.
Jumping in before Paige could, I tugged lightly on one of Alisa's curls to make her look at me. "This is an old friend of mine, princesa," I started, aware of every movement and breath Paige made beside me. "Her name is Paige, she's just come to say hello, but she's leaving now - aren't you, Paige?" I implored, piercing her with a defiant glare that of course she completely brushed off and ignored. I ran multiple options through my mind, including whether to take Alisa back to the den and distract her with more cartoons; or to force Paige back out of my house and possibly upset Alisa in the process. Thoughts, memories, fears - everything was racing through my mind as I watched Paige's calculating expression change.
"Actually darling, I'm more than your fathers friend," Paige smiled, placing a hand on Alisa's back that made me want to whip around and force her away from her mother's touch. But it was like my body had turned to stone. Ice-cold fear snaked down my back as I shook my head adamantly, wanting to reach over and shake Paige until she got it, that she couldn't do it! She had no right, no say, no idea what the repercussions of her actions were, again! Sucking in a quick breath, I held Alisa even closer still, her small hands curling into my t-shirt as she watched us back and forth, a creeping worry creasing her small beautiful face.
"Paige, don't - " I all but growled between clenched teeth. But it did and meant nothing to her; just like we mean nothing to her.
"I'm your mother and I've come to be a family again." Paige smiled, as if it wasn't the most monumental thing to have ever happened in Alisa's young life.
Time seemed to stand still as I looked down at Alisa, praying and wishing with all my might that she didn't somehow hear what Paige had said to her, that she would find it to just be a game - albeit a very cruel one - and that Paige would tell her she was only joking. I cupped her small chin between my shaking fingers and made her look at me, her big blue eyes - an exact replica of the woman's standing next to us - filling very quickly with tears as I watched her expression turn from confusion to hurt to fear and back again. I felt my heart break the moment a single tear fell from her thick long eyelashes and cascade down her soft round cheek, running to my hand. Hot, seething, boiling anger quickly followed it that someone who called herself a mother could do this to her own child.
How - how can anyone make a child hurt in that way without a second thought?
"It's OK, darling," Paige started to say, somehow mistaking Alisa's tears for happiness as she kept on grinning. "It makes me want to cry too, seeing you again. I've missed you so much! Have - "
"Paige, shut up!" I snapped, tearing my gaze away from Alisa for a second to burn Paige into silence. Her mouth shut with an audible click of her teeth at my biting tone as she took a step back from me in shock. It didn't last though, but before I watched her recover from my anger I turned back to Alisa and finally made my feet move as I strolled down to the den, running my hand down Alisa's hair soothingly, whispering Spanish in her ear to calm her shaking body. Her tears stayed silent as she buried her head in my neck, her thumb tucked in her mouth. It was a gesture so familiar that my heart broke even more seeing her so young and upset.
Moving to a single arm chair, I ignored the clacking of Paige's heels as she followed us before they dulled to soft muted sounds as she crossed the carpeted den, her ire clear on her immaculately made up face. Managing to pry Alisa's arm away from my neck I sat her back enough that I could look down into her face, seeing the confusion still there and painfully plain to see. I knew she didn't have the words to ask, she didn't know what was going on and I wanted to look up at Paige and growl at her until she got out of my house and didn't bother to look back - ever.
Before Susannah came into our lives, Alisa had been asking why she didn't have a mommy like her friends did. I saw her watch other families and the confusion on her little face as to why she didn't have that person too. She's only ever known me, I've never introduced my fleeting romances to her before Susannah because I didn't want her to become attached like - well, like she has to Susannah. Except I met and fell into a relationship with Susannah in a completely different way to previous relationships. It was, by some strange twist, more Alisa who brought us together. Whereas before with other women it has been Alisa who has caused it to end.
Shaking myself away from that train of thought, I concentrated on the more important matter at hand, Alisa trying to work out why her mother would suddenly appear and where she's been before now.
"Princesa, I'm sorry," I started, stroking her hair away from her face as I used my thumbs to wipe away her tears staining her cheeks. The throb in my chest intensified as I watched the hurt gain strength over the confusion warring in her bright, shining eyes. Paige is to blame for walking away and then suddenly reappearing after five years, just to expect my daughter to suddenly accept her with loving open arms. But I am to blame too. I should have somehow prepared her for this; I should have somehow seen it coming. When she asked where her mommy was, I told her as honestly as I could, that I didn't know. I didn't know why she wasn't with us but that we we're happy enough just the two of us. That we're a team and no-one and nothing can come between us.
It was enough then, but I'm terrified it's not enough now.
"It's OK, you're allowed to be upset, princesa. I don't expect you to understand what's going on." I murmured against her silky hair, kissing her repeatedly. She shook her head against me, her voice so low and quiet when she spoke that I had to ask her to repeat herself because I couldn't hear her. Sniffling and looking up at Paige from where she stood silently seething at me, she quickly looked away and looked up at me with total faith and trust. I pray I never make her question both those things in me ever.
"Is she - " Alisa ducked her head, her tears falling to her legs as she played with the ends of her hair nervously. Damn you, Paige, I silently cursed. "Is she really my mommy, daddy?" Her question ripped through my chest and I looked down at it quickly, half expecting to see a gaping hole where my heart used to be as her small voice shook and her watering eyes looked back up at me. I closed mine for a moment, pulling Alisa back up against me, tears of my own threatening to fall alongside my daughters. All because of a selfish, vindictive woman.
"I told you I am, darling." Paige spoke up, making Alisa burrow closer to me, a small keening sound coming from her that made my eyes flash open and warn Paige to back off. She huffed but she listened as she took a step back, shaking her head at me in disgust.
Resting my chin atop Alisa's head, I ran soothing circles across her back, trying to relax myself as much as her. "Yes she is, princesa," I verified, unsure what else to say. Apparently that was all I needed to though, because that seemed to be the catalyst for my daughter. Almost instantly her crying increased and her voice rose in denial as she thrashed about in my arms distraught. "It's OK - It's OK, Alisa I'm here, I've got you. I'm sorry; I'm so sorry, princesa!" I called to her over the sounds of her crying and violent shakes of her head as she burrowed back into my neck and soaked my t-shirt.
Stepping up to us and kneeling to be at the same height as Alisa, Paige dared to lie a hand on Alisa's back, her facial expression shocked and confused. "What's wrong!?" She asked in disbelief, trying to run her hand down Alisa's back. "What's happened?!"
"No!" Alisa cried, ripping away from Paige and climbing higher in my lap than she already was. "No! What about Sooze? What about Sooze, daddy?" She cried, pulling away from me to look up at me, her eyes red and wide as she implored me with a look so devastating I didn't know what to say. "I want, Sooze. I want Sooze!" In a move so fast I didn't have time to see it coming, Alisa jumped off my lap, shoving past Paige so sharply she knocked her over onto the carpet with a cry of exclamation and raced out of the room, my calls to her deafened over her shouting out, "I want, Sooze!"
"Are you just going to let her get away with that?" Paige fumed, climbing to her feet without my help as I raced after Alisa towards the stairs. "What have you been telling her? Why does she think that, that Susannah is her mother?! Answer me, Hector!" She all but shouted at me as she followed me, grabbing my arm before I could even place a foot on a step of the stairs.
Impatient to get to my daughter who had slammed her bedroom door closed upstairs, I spun back around and grabbed Paige by her shoulders. "She doesn't think Susannah is her mother, but she's been far more of one because you, her real mother has never been around. Whose fault is that, Paige? Who's fault is it that she's now distraught because you're too selfish and vicious to know the needs and welfare of your own child?!" I snapped out angrily, pushing her away from me as I turned back around and raced up the stairs two at a time, ignoring her stunned gaze boring into my back.
There was only one thing I wanted to do right then, and answering my ex-wife's questions was not one of them.
xXx
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - "
"Jesus, Simon!" Gina said to me where she stood on the opposite side of the bar from me, watching me with concern as I slammed each new bottle of beer down on it harder than I probably needed to. "You're going to smash one of those if you don't watch it." She put the clip board she was holding down and effortlessly pulled herself up and onto the bar before shuffling across to drop down on the other side with me, taking my shoulders in her hands. "Stop! Go and sit before you hurt yourself. Or worse, smash all our beer."
"Ha ha," I mocked laughed not fighting her when she turned me around and gave me a light shove away from her. "I'm fine for the record," I grumbled as I rounded the bar and took a seat in the same place she'd just been before she manhandled me out of my job. Picking up the clipboard I stared down at the paper hard enough I was surprised it didn't burst into flames as I doodled little crude pictures in the corner of the page. "Absolutely, hunky dory, peachy keen fine. Nothing to worry about here." I mumbled, scribbling on the page so hard it tore, breaking me out of my ramblings at the same time.
Ashamed, I looked up at Gina, shrugging an apology as she just cocked a slim eyebrow at me.
"Riiiight," She drawled, taking the clip board out of my hands as she leaned on the bar and stared at me. Sighing I resigned myself to having one of those intense, thought provoking talks with my best friend. It's not like they don't make me feel better, because they do. Mostly. But it's more that I've thought, analyzed, dissected and pretty much torn apart every single thing that has happened since seeing Paige standing in Jesse's doorway and up until the moment I walked away from him on his porch. And I was beat, pissed off and all those other words that describe someone as confused as I am.
"Have you heard from him?" Gina asked, getting straight to the point. I didn't have to play dumb and pretend I didn't know who she was talking about, I knew she meant Jesse. But her question made me flinch anyway and being the amazing best friend that she is, it didn't go unnoticed either. Clucking her tongue against her teeth, she sighed along with me. "I guessed as much. So what are you going to do about it?"
Shaking my head I picked up the pen lying between us and played with it distractedly. "Nothing. The last thing he needs from me right now is to be bugging him, getting all angsty and needy on him. He needs to make sure Alisa's OK first. He'll get to me when he wants - if he wants." I amended, not quite able to keep the slight quiver out of my voice. Of course I'm worried he doesn't want me, he's just had his beautiful ex-wife and mother to his equally beautiful daughter just breeze back into town, that sort of thing is bound to stir up old feelings.
But then I remember how it felt to kiss him before leaving him alone with her and I realize I'm just being stupid. Of course Jesse doesn't like her like that anymore. There's no way he'd kiss me back the way he did otherwise. But I'm smart enough to know he's got baggage to work through with her and as much as I hate to think it, I know that problem solving doesn't involve me.
"Stupid wife - ex-wife, whatever she is," I snarled, tossing the pen back down on the bar in a fit of rage, watching it spin far away from me. Pushing out a breath in frustrating I looked back up into Gina's dark brown eyes, seeing the corner of her mouth tilting up at the corners seconds before she burst out laughing, throwing her head back as she got louder. It's so rare to hear Gina laugh, but when she does it's such an addictive sound that you can't help but laugh along with her. So I did and hot damn it felt good! I felt my stomach muscles pull and ache as I bent over the bar and laughed too, until I couldn't stand the stomach pains anymore and I straightened up to wipe away my tears.
"God I need to exercise more, my stomachs killing me!" I giggled breathlessly watching Gina wipe her tears away too.
Moving down the bar, Gina got out two bottles of water and made her way back to me, her face flushed as she cracked open her drink. "You looked like you needed a good laugh. Hell, I know I did," She muttered, taking a long swig of water. I opened my water lazily and thought about what she said and took the time to scrutinize her back while she drank. She clocked on to what I was doing instantly her eyes narrowing at me. "Nuh-uh, don't give me that look. We're talking about you here, not me. I don't need your help."
"Who says I need yours?" I countered, but didn't let her sway me for long. "So, Caden - what's happening with that? Because you know, it didn't escape my attention finding him passed out on our couch this morning. Not that it was exactly a terrible sight to wake up to or anything, but last time I checked you'd kicked him out of your life without a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' card."
Snorting, Gina speared me with a calculating look. I didn't think she was going to answer for a while, so I thought about dropping it and just getting back to work, but eventually she answered me. "Fine, I'll fill you in. But once I have, we're getting back to your issues and there's nothing you can do about it, got it?" She asked, pointing her long manicured finger at me. "Nothing sexual happened between us last night first of all. Not that I wasn't up for it, but Caden's put serious breaks on anything like that between us for a while. After we left Jesse's yesterday we went and got coffee and talked it out. You know how much I love to talk about feelings and futures and all that sappy stuff." She grumbled, finding a rag to wipe down the bar while she mumbled.
It spoke volumes about how much this 'thing' with Caden's got to her. So I sat forward and listened with a renewed interest.
"So, yeah, we talked," She continued, glancing up at me every now and again. "I apologized, he apologized, and we hashed out some pretty raw and uncomfortable stuff and came to the conclusion that we should maybe try it again. A lot slower this time," Her hand slowed to a stop as she stared down at the rag, her mind slipping somewhere else. I watched her worried; I could tell there was more to the story than that, but she was holding back. I wanted to ask what the raw stuff was they had to deal with, but I know Gina, she shuts up tighter than a clam when it's something important and the more I try and bug her to talk, the more she shuts down, so I kept my mouth shut for a change and let her go on. "He wants us to go on dates, get to know each other again. I'm all for that, but it means taking all the fun and hot stuff slow too. The man drives me insane and he knows it." She laughed, but it didn't sound right. It had a heady mix of excitement and terror to it.
"Dates are fun; sounds like he's taking charge for a change," I said, grinning at the idea of Gina having the guy take the lead for a change. I know her well enough that in the past she's let a guy think he's taking charge, but in fact she's the one still totally in control. This time though, it sounds like Caden really does have the reins completely and she looked like she didn't know whether to fight him on it, or sit back and enjoy the ride. Shifting the conversation a little I said, "You know I offered Caden a job here. Security manager."
"What!?" Gina cried her eyes wide and shocked as they stared at me. "Why? When?!" She fired, all but launching over the bar at me. "When was you going to tell me?!" Her voice had been getting higher and higher, but on the final word it turned almost shrill and made my ears hurt.
Sitting back I crossed my arms over my chest defiantly.
"One, because he has the experience and he needs a job to keep him out of trouble; Jesse's words, not mine. Two, it was a few days ago I asked and he gave me a definite answer yesterday; and three, I was going to tell you as soon as I figured out what was happening with you both. I knew it wasn't just going to be the end for you two, but until I knew for definite you were going to give it another shot I wanted to wait to tell you. You have to admit he's the perfect choice and we need him. Our guys are good but they need some direction and leadership and Caden is perfect for it." The whole time I answered her questions I watched her expression go from livid to confused to calculating before finally she closed her eyes took a deep breath and calmed down. When she opened them again she didn't look quite as murderous.
"You should have spoken to me about it before you offered him the job." Gina quietly said, sighing despite the slightly hard edge to her voice.
Shrugging I dropped my arms from the defensive pose I was sitting with. "You're right, I should have done and I'm sorry. But you and I both know you would have said no if I'd have brought it up with you before now. Plus, this gives you some of the control back a little. You'll still be his boss technically . . ." I said, planting the seed because I knew this hadn't occurred to her. Once she mulled it over for a few seconds her expressions changed until she snorted again, giving in. "I knew you'd see it my way." I smirked.
Rolling her eyes at me, Gina poked her finger at me again. "Watch it, Simon. Smug doesn't look good on you," Laughing at her again, I picked up my water bottle to fiddle with the label and peel it off as I'd tossed the pen away in my last tantrum. "You know they say peeling the labels off bottles, or tearing up napkins - " Gina paused nodding down the bar where a pile of shredded up napkins sat that I'd done earlier on. "Is a sign of sexual frustration?" Her words made my hands stall on the bottles label and I narrowed my eyes at her. "Not sexually frustrated then?"
"When it comes to Jesse - never," I smirked again for a moment, indulging in making Gina whistle in appreciation before I lost the smug happiness again and went back to staring at the bottle of water. "No need to guess what else I'm frustrated about though. I just wish I could be there for him and Alisa. I wish I could stand by his side and show Paige that she can't just breeze in out of nowhere and pretend I'm not here. Or let Jesse pretend I'm not either. I've got this feeling, this horrible twisted feeling in my stomach that he's going to keep pushing me away until he just ends it between us for good. I'm not giving up without a fight, but I don't want to crowd him either. How much space is too much? Why can't he just let me in to help him!?" I asked rhetorically, running my hand through my hair wound up all over again.
Resting her hip against the bar, Gina chewed on her lower lip thoughtfully. "Because he's as bull-headed and stubborn as Caden and he needs his head re-examined because Paige did a number on him before?" Gina replied anyway, telling me what I already know.
"I can't make him love me, Gina." I quietly said to the bar, my chest aching painfully at the thought of losing them both. I try to be as positive as possible in my life, but this is one thing I've got no power over and it terrifies me. I thought love was supposed to conquer all. Or does that only work if you've actually told that person you love them in the first place? It's all so messed up and I hate it. I hate Paige.
Smiling mysteriously, Gina stood up straight and reached across the bar to take my hand and give it a squeeze. "I don't think that's a problem, hon."
Looking up at my best friend, I tried really hard to believe her but it didn't take away the throbbing in my chest. It just made it a little quieter.
My cell vibrating across the bar broke us out of the moment and Gina let me go so I could answer it. "It's Jesse," I breathed, looking up at her in surprise, my heart racing in my chest. She shot me an I-told-you-so look before I pressed the answer button. "Hello? Jesse?" I asked quickly, aware that I sounded a little too excited to be hearing from him, but I just couldn't help myself. It's been the longest twenty four hours with no contact with him, especially with everything that's been going on with Paige that to see his name on my screen reaching out to me was like having a cold bucket of water being poured over my head and snapping me awake again.
When did he get to have so much power over me, anyway?
"Querida," Jesse answered, his voice sounding strained and rushed, even over the phone line I could pick up on something being wrong, very wrong. Despite the flutter in my chest at hearing him call me that, I frowned as I looked up at Gina who wasn't pretending to not listen in on my conversation. "Susannah I'm sorry to bother you, but - " I heard him sigh with impatience, his words chopped and rattled."Susannah I need - Alisa needs you. Can you come here please? As soon as possible?" I didn't want to ignore that he almost said he needed me, but I could hear crying in the back ground and I instantly got to my feet, looking around for my bag with my cell still to my ear.
"I'm coming, Jesse," I replied without hesitation, signalling to Gina that I was leaving. She nodded quickly giving me the go ahead to leave without asking any questions. "I'll be right there." He muttered a thank you and put the phone down before I had a chance to answer him.
I didn't stop to think about that abrupt end, I just grabbed my bag and keys and raced out of the bar shouting to Gina that I'd call as soon as I could, knowing that the cry I heard in the background of the phone was Alisa and I was aching to get to her as clearly as I heard her desperation when she was calling my name.
Hell, who am I kidding? I was aching to get to them both!
