Chapter 28: Had Enough (Lifehouse)
She had made it!
Sandra's POV
I tried to be in the moment and be excited but my mind kept going back to the day before. I kept thinking about how I had spent the whole night in bed staring at the walls trying to figure out how things ended up like they were. Now once again as everyone was jumping up and down around me, I zoned out and thought about my husband.
My marriage.
My future.
I know that it was a strange time to be thinking like this, with my sister stable again but the mind doesn't seem to have a sense of timing.
Then again...neither does my husband.
R u coming home tonite?-Sandra
No. The baby has been sick all week and so I'm going over there to check on her.-Johnny
So I wnt c u at all?-Sandra
I'll call you in the morning before my flight out.-Johnny
I needed u 2day.-Sandra
Is Jojo okay?-Johnny
Yes.-Sandra
What did you need me for? Something broken?-Johnny
I had a miscarriage this morning. Have a great night, enjoy your flight to Miami, See you next week!-Sandra
I didn't wait for his response instead I curled up like a ball and cried so hard that the ache in my body increased. It had only been a few hours and already my stomach was deflating a bit. I had just felt the flutter the day before. I had just had to go to my sonogram with Gladys instead of my husband.
I had gone to bed with news on the baby.
And then I woke up and my heart broke in a million pieces.
I had woke up the next morning and the moment that I stood the blood came rushing down my legs. The pain was indescribable as it ripped me apart. I had screamed at the top of my lungs, cursing my husband, cursing God. I was broken. Damariz had come into the room and found me there a huddled, bloodied mass on the floor. She's seven months pregnant so seeing her just made it hurt more made it more real for me. I was beyond myself.
My sisters had gotten me cleaned up, made sure that I ate and then put me back in bed. The tears came then...when I was all alone. I spent the rest of the next day, clenching my stomach and crying against my husband's pillow.
This was all so wrong.
Johnny being with her while he was home in New York, instead of with me was just becoming too regular for my liking.
He should have been here with me.
For me and he would have been but he didn't come home.
He had gone to her.
He wasn't there to hold me as I broke that morning.
I thought that he loved me.
There was knock at the bedroom door but I didn't bother moving. I was feeling too bitter and hateful to deal with anyone that was out there. I felt like I had been repeatedly punched in the stomach.
I hated people seeing me like this. There is no room for tears in a war zone and I wanted to think the same for now but I had lost a baby. A baby that I had just found out was a boy just twelve hours prior.
A brother for my son.
My heart was broken.
"San? Can we come in? Please?"
I didn't respond. I had never broken like this in front of any of my sisters.
I was the strong one.
I had seen death and destruction in a Afghanistan, even caused some it. On top of that my husband had been off cheating so a miscarriage should have been cake.
But it wasn't, no, this was definitely the hardest thing that I ever had to deal with in my life and I just wanted to make the pain stop.
I felt Damariz touch me first and I froze.
They were going to see me like this whether I liked it or not.
It's what I would have done for any of them. What I had done for Ana already.
They were giving me love back that I had given to them.
I sucked in a breathe when I felt her lay behind me. She didn't say a word as she rested her head on my back. Her baby belly was pressed against my back and I let out a whimper when I felt the baby kick me. I was so broken. She reached around me and touched my stomach. I covered my face as she rubbed me on what remained of my little baby bump, I cried even harder.
"I'm so sorry honey." she whispered against my ear.
I didn't respond. There were no words to describe how I felt so I just buried my face into the pillow. I was still sobbing as Brenda came to lay in front of me. I was now sandwiched between them and felt just a degree safer. I lifted my head to see that Celia was there too, just on the other side of Brenda and she had tears in her eyes too.
Laying there together, I realized that it was the closest that the four of us had been since before our parents divorced. We had been so fragmented growing up. My mom keeping the Mari and Brenda at her side, while me and Celia were hopping back and forth between Bayamon, New York and then later on Lima. We should have been closer but it wasn't until Ana brought us together last year that we started to actually support each other so fiercely.
My heart was stuck in my throat as they all placed their hands on my stomach or my face and prayed together. I closed my eyes and listened to them asking God to hold me and comfort me. It was almost cleansing, the prayer, but it was them holding me that comforted me the most.
They were allowing me to break.
They allowing me to question.
They were pledging their support and comfort in my time of need.
They didn't ask about Johnny or my marriage.
They were just there.
They just cared for me.
Papi would have been proud.
I was grateful for their love and comfort even though we were short one sister.
A sister that would have had just the words for me.
She had been here but hadn't had this support.
I couldn't even imagine what she had been through.
Ana had been where I was and so it was her touch that would have consoled me the most. I needed her love most of all in that moment but I was grateful that I had people there with me and I would make it a point that they started being there for her now like we weren't in the past.
Almost as if they heard my thoughts we began praying for our baby sister, her kids and even her wife.
We all missed her presence in different ways and while she was finally awake it wasn't the same with her so sick. It wasn't the same with her feeble and broken.
She needed this time alone with Brittany, to patch up their marriage.
I just wished that I could have just a little of her love and attention.
Was that wrong?
Just after I lost the baby that morning, I had been tempted to get the driver to take me to the hospital so that I could curl up in her bed with her.
But I had resisted.
I couldn't lay my problems at her feet.
She had enough to worry about.
I woke up early as usual the next morning and was surprised to see that I wasn't the only one awake. The sun wasn't even up yet. It drove Johnny nuts that I always seemed to be awake. It used to amuse me but now everything about him makes my skin crawl. My throat felt raw and my flesh felt swollen. I felt like I had been run over by a tank.
I heard a sniffle.
And it hadn't come from me.
Odd.
I looked over to the other side of the bed and there was Celia, sitting there looking at her phone and silently crying. I could count on one hands the amount of times that I had seen her cry. The graying light was showing me just enough of her face that I could see the wetness that had accumulated on her cheeks.
"What's wrong?" I whispered. She looked over at me and then back at her phone. She wasn't even going to even try and hide her face from me. Our relationship was the closest and we didn't have any discretion between us.
"It's complicated." she shrugged.
"Really? You're kidding right?"
"My life is just shitty at the moment."
"What happened?"
"I fucked up with Quinn."
"How bad?"
"I broke up with her."
"Why?"
"Because...I was too scared to do what she asked of me. I broke her heart."
"Then fix it."
"I can't"
"Why not?"
"Because it's too late."
"It's not too late until it's over."
"I tried...it's definitely over!"
Brenda shifted in her sleep as she lay between us and I turned more to so that I could face my sister. Brenda was flat on her stomach with her head against my chest, like my son usually slept and it made me smile. Most times I was more of a mother to my sisters than my mom or Gladys. Just looking at Brenda, a twenty eight year old woman and mother of four, curled up like this was proof of that.
Celia sighed heavily and then threw her head back against the wall. I felt bad for her. Opening up had always been a hard thing for her but even with her doing that...this was just new for me. I wasn't used to seeing her so frustrated, she was the calm, collected one. Few things bothered her. She must really have loved Quinn. So while I was hurting myself and had a way bigger reason to be upset, I pushed it aside and focused on Celia because I just couldn't stand to see her hurting so badly.
"How exactly did you try?" I asked as more tears poured down her cheeks.
"I went to the house last night to try and fix things. Usually people come through the back door, I came through the front and there she was on the couch with her hand shoved between Rachel's legs. I turned around and left before she even realized that I was there. It was too late. I was too late. I shouldn't have ended things."
My heart dropped.
No fucking way.
Quinn had really lost it.
There was something deeper going on. She and I had many deep conversations about how damaged and emotionally abusive Rachel had become towards the end of their relationship.
Quinn had told me how she had sought out student counseling after their breakup.
She had been getting better.
I just don't understand how she could go back to Rachel like that. Especially with the way that Rachel had screwed her way between Ana and Brittany.
Rachel Berry was just bad news.
Her acceptance to that school really took it's toll on her. She had been there only a few days when she had been rated as average in comparison to the other singers. That kind of blow to her ego left her severely screwed up. She was no longer the best of the best and so now she was going around filling that void with sex and booze.
It was really sad.
I looked at the frustration on my sister's face and gave her advice that I wouldn't have if I didn't know the fact on the other side of the relationship. Advice that would have been stupid if I didn't know Quinn.
"You should talk to her about it. I doubt it meant anything to her. In fact, I'm pretty certain."
"I don't know Sandra...I think that it's going to take me coming out to Mami to fix things. That's what it's really about. She doesn't love Rachel, I know that. This all about me, I know it."
" You already know what you need to do so then just do it already. Mami doesn't really care about us anyway. She only cares about herself, that's why I told you not to go to Texas. She is selfish and it's always been like that. Come out to her. You still have us. You have Gladys, who has been more of a mom to us than Mom has, right?"
"Yea...you're right."
"So then you know what you need to do."
As if on cue the door cracked open and Gladys poked her head in. The light from the hallway poured into the room and I had to shield my eyes. I hadn't even noticed how bad my head was pounding.
"Sandra?" she whispered as she looked towards the center of the bed. She wasn't sure where I was in the huddled bunch. I smiled and poked my head up. My half smiled dropped when I and could see the concern on her face.
Something had happened with Ana.
It's just never ending.
It was like we were paying for all of Papi's mistakes.
Like we were being made to make up for never being there for Ana.
"What is it? Is everything ok?"
"There's news. Brittany called. She wants all of us there as soon as possible."
I sat up abruptly and nearly knocked Damariz from the bed.
"Shit." I muttered as I quickly wrapped a hand around her arm and helped her steady herself. She looked over at me with shock on her face.
"I'm sorry Mari."
"I'm fine. What's wrong?" she said as she looked over at our second mother. She was in doctor mode almost immediately.
"Brittany called, she sounded upset. She said we needed to come over there." Gladys said as she looked at us with red eyes.
I felt so bad for her.
If we were being punished...she was feeling it the most.
We were all wide awake as we ran around getting dressed.
This was not good news...it couldn't be.
Brittany knew better than to disturb us with her being on such uneven ground with most of the sisters.
If Britt was upset then it couldn't be good.
We wanted this to end.
We wanted our sister to be happy and healthy. We were all scared of what we would hear.
We were passing each other in the halls and avoiding each others eyes because we didn't want to stop and think about what the news could be.
I was tension filled and horrible.
But it was the perfect distraction.
I headed into the nursery after showering and throwing on my Marine sweats. I didn't feel too comfortable in my own skin at the moment, in fact, I felt terrible. So I was just going to take my problems at face value and not care too much about my appearance. I doubt that was on the top of the list for my sister.
She didn't give a flying fuck what I wore.
So neither would I.
When I walked into the room the boys were talking up a storm, I regretted not grabbing my phone so I could record it for Ana. Hopefully she would come home soon and hear it for herself. Thinking about her here with me, brought a smile to my face. I smiled to myself and then flipped on the light. They were facing each other, standing up and babbling at each other from their cribs. I couldn't believe how much they were talking, it was insane. Well Jojo was talking and Izzy was answering back with babbles and the words he knew.
It was beyond cute.
I looked down at my nephew and could see his mothers face in his.
What if she never came out of the hospital?
What if his days with his mother were numbered.
It made my heart hurt just to think about it.
So I pushed the feelings down and focused on getting the boys ready.
"Tee!" Izzy screeched when he saw me. I picked up Johnny from his crib and helped him down onto the floor.
"Go potty." I said as I looked down at my son. He smiled and ran towards the little potty in the bathroom. After watching him climb on and open his little Diego book.
Brenda, a mother of four boys, was amazed how quickly I had potty trained my one year old son. I was pretty surprised myself but my persistence had paid off. I had a few tricks up my sleeve and I hoped to help Ana and Britt with Izzy when he was ready.
"Tee!" Izzy screeched again when I zoned out. I looked at him and stuck out my tongue. He put his pudgy little hand to his mouth and tried to blow a kiss. I picked him up and swung him around and then placed Izzy on the changing table. He laughed up at me as I changed his stinky diaper and when he smelled himself he scrunched up hid nose. "Eck!" I couldn't help the laugh that fell from my lips.
"Yes Izzy... Eck you stink!" He smiled at me with his six little teeth asI wiped him clean and then powdered his butt before giving him a clean diaper. I blew raspberries on his stomach and he let out giggles and screeched.
"Keen!" he screamed as he slapped his hands to his naked belly.
"Yes, all clean!" I said. I suddenly felt a tugging on my pant leg and looked down to see my son handing me a book. I shook my head at him. "You want to go bye?" I said to my son.
"Bye bye?" he asked me as he dropped his book and raised his arms so I could carry him.
I couldn't ignore the smile he gave me that was so much his father. I didn't want him to have a torn family like me. I wanted to fix things. I wanted my husband to look at me again. To not resent me like he did now. I was in his cheating way.
It sucked.
"Yes...go see Titi."
"Yay!" he ran in circles screaming at the top of his lungs with Izzy mimicking him.
I wish I could be that excited about our destination.
Between my son and nephew I felt my spirits rise a bit. That's how I knew taking them to the hospital might help not just me but Ana as well.
We took two cars to the hospital. I drove with Gladys and the babies while my sisters drove in front of us. I found myself just needing her presence. My sisters were great and had provided me with some solace but Gladys just had a different way about her. I hoped she could make me stay calm.
"How are you feeling?" Gladys asked as she laid a warm hand on my arm.
It had always been like this between us. I remember going to stay with her and Papi when they first got married. She hadn't tried to be my mom, she wanted to be my friend and she always had been. She was the softer side of me. She was genuine. She wrote me and sent care packages when I was away and when I got caught sleeping with that girl, she called and pledged her support for me.
So I knew that I could be honest with her and she wouldn't judge me too harshly.
"Like I want to die." I whispered. Even though they wouldn't understand what I meant, I was thankful that Johnny and Isaac had on headphones and were watching Elmo. "I feel like I'm being punished...like we all are, Ana included. I just don't understand why. I just feel so alone. And I know that I shouldn't."
"Did you talk to your husband? He should be here."
"I texted him and told him."
"And he still didn't come home?"
"Nope."
"I'm so sorry to hear that mamita. I wish your father was here. This wouldn't have happened, Aden would have dragged him to the house last night. He would have protected you."
"No...that's not true Mama. He let that stuff happen to Ana. Why was he so quick to protect me and not her?"
"I wish I knew."
Our conversation stopped there thankfully.
Neither one of us dealt in 'what ifs', it was a dangerous and foolish way of thinking.
I had such a close relationship with my father before he died, I knew that he loved us all, that he wanted happiness for us but when it came to
Ana he was blind to her pain. I knew about every affair he had. I knew that he left my mother after beating her senseless. I knew that he never laid an ill hand on Gladys purposelessly.
He was sick.
His mind was all sorts of fucked up. I knew his demons and would never forgive him for letting Marco do that to Santana because standing idly by while she suffered...that wasn't love.
When we got to the hospital my sisters were having a heavy discussion about Brittany's conversion to Catholicism and if it was genuine. Gladys hung back and scolded them about it.
She gave her word that Brittany had changed and although I didn't say it out loud, somehow that was enough for me.
And since they usually followed my lead I would try and show my support.
We continued straight up the room quietly, all lost in out own thoughts. We knew better then to walk in there on attack mode after getting yelled at by Ana. We were worried about her but we weren't going to carry any feelings into the room with us.
One way or another we needed to deal with how we felt, just not in front of Brittany.
Ana had made it clear, plain and simple.
Accept Brittany or get the hell out of her life.
We collectively chose to give Brittany a chance obviously, Ana's happiness meant more to us then the grudge we held against her wife.
Quinn opened the door and we all quietly walked into the room. Quinn looked pale and withdrawn, the new black hair made it even more apparent and it made my stomach drop. It does something to me when I see the strongest people break.
I guess that's how my sisters must have felt the night before.
My baby sister sat in her hospital bed looking tired and strained. She was trying to be brave, trying to smile but it never reached her eyes. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. I saw right through her.
Ana was stalling as she looked at each of us, she was scared and didn't know how to speak...even with Quinn encouraging her. She was trying to be strong but I could see the cracks in her surface.
I just wanted to hold her.
I just wanted to make everything right.
Just when she looked like she was going to cry, Brittany jumped in and told us.
Hearing that my sister was going to die if she didn't get surgery immediately made me tear up. When was God going to finally say that my sister had, had enough.
After Brittany spoke the room went silent. Ana broke down and began crying into her hands. Britt looked around I understood.
"Let's give them some time." Gladys said as she led the way out into the hallway.
My son is the best baby but he has his days.
Days where he just doesn't like me very much.
It tended to happen around my period and so I left him to his dad at those times.
I didn't have my period but he still sensed a change in me and he did not like it.
So he spent all the time in the waiting room, curled up on Brenda's lap shooting glares at me.
I swear he's possessed or something.
I'm smiling back at my cranky little son when my phone, which I thought was still off went off.
Where r u?-Johnny
Hospital. Ana's in surgery.-Sandra
Came home. R u serious about the baby?-Johnny
Yes. I wouldn't fuck around like that Jo-Sandra
I'm sorry that I wasn't home.-Johnny
It's fine.-Sandra
No...it really isn't.-Johnny
So what do you want from me?-Sandra
Forgiveness. It won't happen again. You needed me and I failed you.-Johnny
Little too late.-Sandra
I know. Look...season is over this week. When I get home...it will be different.-Johnny
It better be.-Sandra
I love you baby-Johnny
We'll see.-Sandra
I was so wrapped up in trying to keep my cool that I didn't realize Brittany sent Ari off on her own.
It took me a whole ten minutes for her to tell me that she had sent her after Marco. The only reason that I didn't flip out at her is because she had just gone through something major.
I would chalk it up to that.
My heart was pounding as I sprinted down the hall towards the nursing station. Ari was one of the few people in Ana's life that hadn't hurt her. I liked her, I trusted her and I didn't want Marco to hurt her.
So I was insanely happy when I heard his deep voice through the stairwell door.
I was going to kick his ass.
How can I explain the atrocity that is or rather was my sister's relationship with Marco Vega?
In one word.
Avoidable.
I blame Papi for starting this chain of events. I know that it's not right to blame the dead but how else would this have even started in the first place?
Once Marco had sucked Ana into his orbit it was hard to get her out.
He had this indescribable hold over her.
So getting to have a hold on him for once felt cathartic.
I just wished that he didn't walk away with such a fucking amused look on his face.
The clues had all been there but I had been so wrapped up in my own world that I didn't see what was right in front of me.
I had known that Ana needed to come to New York to finalize her divorce.
At first she had tried to just say that she needed to do some things for school but I knew it was bullshit. I knew that anything she needed to do could be done from Lima on the internet.
I saw right through her lies, so, I wouldn't let her borrow my car or driver until she told me.
I was completely floored when she told me that she had gotten a judge to sign off on her marriage to Britt. I wished that I hadn't been so curious but I was and so I drilled her on how she had done it.
She tried to just say that he never filed the papers. That he was supposed to once the divorce was final but he never did because he got disbarred anyway. I drilled her further and that's when she let it slip that she had been his escort.
I should have gone with her to Marco's house after I found that out but she told me she would take my driver inside, she fucking insisted, little did I know that she paid my driver a thousand dollars to get lost.
She just gets sucked in to that fucking orbit and it's going to stop if I can help it.
Marco has a hold over her that I have never understood until Johnny cheated.
I realized that he has a hold over me that goes deeper than just sharing a son.
I don't think I will ever understand it fully but I do think I understand Ana better.
She was in a detrimental cycle.
Papi set her up to fail.
I had enough of it.
When I was finished with nearly throwing Marco down the stairs and trying to get answers out of Ari, I had gone back to the waiting room and texted my old comrade who was a retired Navy Seal. He had done so many drug raids that I knew he could find anything that Ana had stashed in my house.
My mind was reeling.
I was usually so good with catching her out on her shit but she had gotten the wool over my eyes. I was so disappointed in her right now.
I was sitting there trying to breathe through the cramps in my back and side, hoping that I could shove down the pain but it didn't seem to be working. I was bordering on a breakdown.
I swallowed huge masses of air and then my phone rang.
When he called me back he was calm, cool and collected as he told me that my sister had a half million dollars worth of drugs stashed in my house.
Enough to overdose three times.
He told me that it took everything in him not to report it. That it would have been a huge drug bust if found by the Feds and how he hoped for my sake that it was all gone. He said that he looked high and low in every conceivable place and about how amazed he was. He said that it was all spread out and it would have taken the average person months to find it. He tired to joke that Ana could definitely hide stuff and that it seemed almost professional, how well she had done it.
I didn't laugh.
Because the joke was apparently on me.
Things were going to change.
I was fuming.
As soon as Ana was well enough to explain...she was going to.
I wasn't going to cut her any more slack.
She officially made this my business.
After we got news that she had survived, I was relieved and then I got a second call from Hex and he told me that he found another half million worth of coke stashed in her house...I almost passed out.
Ana really had us all fooled.
She had changed...that's what I believed.
It's what she wanted all of us to believe and it worked.
I wanted answers.
Everyone around me was celebrating but I couldn't.
I was too busy being heartbroken to join in.
I knew that this was where the real work began.
You never celebrate a war victory on enemy territory.
I wouldn't be excited about her recovery until it was a full out recovery.
Until I got her to a place where the very thought of cocaine made her cringe.
I felt betrayed.
My heart hurt on so many levels.
I wanted to be happy that she had survived and obviously I was.
Had it been anyone else, I would have killed them but this was Ana.
I was so torn between my love for her and the pain of it all.
This was just so unforgivable.
I wanted to believe that she had forgotten that she stashed it all but it was one million dollars worth of cocaine.
How could she possibly forget that?
"Tell me."
I was knocked from my thoughts by Brittany.
When she spoke the room got quiet.
Ana's doctor went to leave the room but I held my hand up and stopped him.
Everyone needed to be on the same page.
Screw sister loyalty. She had broken that when she brought that shit in my house.
If she was going to truly recover from her addiction and get from underneath Marco then everyone in her life needed to be on the same page.
All of her shit needed to be out on the table.
What it all boiled down to was that Ana needed help. She couldn't hold herself up anymore. She had fucked up things so badly that she was drowning in her lies and if we didn't stop it she was going to take down her children, her marriage, and the whole family.
Enough was enough!
A/N: It's all coming to a head folks. Review and tell me what you think!
