Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.


XXVIII. Avoidance

"I am a woman in process. I'm just trying like everybody else. I try to take every conflict, every experience, and learn from it. Life is never dull."

- Oprah Winfrey


She couldn't sleep. Hermione tightened her cardigan around her chest, before bending over in order to take her cup of tea, which was on the coffee table right in front of her armchair. The drink was almost cold already, and she let out a sigh while resuming her reading. She had spent the last two days working, spending hours to complete her knowledge in order to be ready for her examination. Obviously, the things that she had done with her Potions Master, Tilden Toots, hadn't been enough at all. The day prior, she had received an owl from one of her friends, whom she had met during her first year of Potions studies. That friend had already passed her examination, and she had been positive about one thing: the examiners had been awful, always trying to find a breach in her argumentation; even her own Potions Master hadn't been pleased by what she had provided.

And, as far as she knew, Hermione wasn't ready at all. She had always been uncomfortable when it came to oral examination; she was much more confident with a quill and a parchment in front of her. Moreover, knowing that Severus Snape would be there was enough to make her lose all of the confidence that she had left.

Hermione was sure that he wouldn't accept a single mistake from her, knowing how pernickety he was. But, to be honest, it wasn't that which scared her the most. She was just afraid to see him again, period. She was afraid to have to face his dark gaze after what she had done. It had been two months; two months during which she had tried to forget about him, about what they had shared together for nearly two months too. Sometimes, during her sleep, she was almost sure that sge felt him next to her, sensed his breath on her face, tasted his lips as if they were crushing on hers. But all of it was always a dream, and she always woke up in a cold sweat, trying to contain her salty tears. The more days passed, the more she realized what a mistake she had done when she had run from Spinner's End.

And feeling Ron's lips on hers two days ago had been the last stroke she had needed. Nothing would ever be the same without Severus Snape. His lips, even if they hadn't been the softest that she had kissed – not that she had had several occasions to kiss a man, though –, had seemed to be made to give her pleasure, whether they had been on her lips or... somewhere else, she remembered, slightly blushing.

Her thoughts were focused on Severus when she heard a noise coming from the first floor. Hermione frowned, and a second later, her mum was walking towards her, her usual smile brightening her face.

"What are you doing up that late, darling?," she asked, trying to contain a yawn while doing so.

"I have a lot of things to read for tomorrow morning," Hermione answered in a low voice, not wanting to wake up her dad. "Did the lamp disturb you? I didn't think that..."

"Oh, no, sweetie, everything's fine. You know that your dad prefers to sleep with the door closed. I was just worried when I realized that I didn't hear her you go back to your bedroom tonight."

"Right, you're a light sleeper, I always forget that."

"Contrary to your dad...," Jane Granger completed. "Do you want me to prepare some tea for you, if you plan to work late? I can see that your cup is already empty."

"No, thank you, mom. Even if, yes, I think that I'm going to work quite late..."

Jane sat on the couch next to Hermione's favorite armchair, and took some of the parchments that the young woman had put on the coffee table. She tried to read it, but eventually, she put them down, to the amusement of her daughter.

"It seems to be a complex subject, Hermione. Do you think that you're ready for tomorrow?"

Hermione pursed her lips before shaking her head. "I know that you're not going to love my answer, but no, not at all. To be honest, I don't think that it was a good idea to ask for another Potions Master," she let out in a whisper.

"What was the name of your previous Master again? I remember that you were quite happy to work with him, especially for the last few weeks, or am I wrong?"

"Severus Snape...," she blurted quickly. "Yes, it was... an amazing experience," she managed to say while a smile was taking shape on her lips, as the moments that she had spent with Severus toward the end of her collaboration were returning gradually to the forefront of her mind.

Hermione didn't realize that her mother was gazing at her, slightly frowning. "Is there something that you want to tell me, Hermione?," Jane eventually asked, and Hermione got out from her torpor in a second. She looked up at her mother, but didn't answer right away. Jane took advantage of her silence in order to push her a little more.

"Moreover, why did you suddenly ask for an other Potions Master, if you were so happy to work with him? You told me that you didn't support all of his decisions, but... is it everything?"

Hermione bit her lower lip, and eventually shook her head. It was the first time that she had the occasion to open up freely to someone; her mother was, by far, the best person to confide in: she didn't know who Severus Snape was, thus she couldn't judge her for falling in love with him. Of course, their age difference was something that she could have some troubles to deal with, but it was over, wasn't it? She took a deep breath before answering her questions.

"Mom, there's something that I need to tell you, but please, pretty please, I want you to listen to me until the end without cutting me off...," Hermione warned her in a whisper.

"You're scaring me, sweetheart. But go ahead, I'm listening to you."

"Well, you're right, something happened. I didn't leave Spinner's End like this, for something that stupid; two people can work together without having the same opinion about everything, can't they? That said, I don't think that my reason for leaving was a good one either," she began, trying to keep a smile on her face during all this time. "Let's say that nothing was easy between Severus and I. We argued a lot in the first place, neither of us being able to get on with each other. But, for some reasons – I spare you the details, they are not important –, we managed to... to become close.

"I know that it's hard to understand, because, to your eyes, he was like a teacher to me, but really, mum, it's nothing like that. He didn't use his influence upon me, he didn't blackmail me or something... I just fell for him, and yes, I was happy to work alongside him during the last weeks of our collaboration because we were together, in every way," she continued slowly.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you, but... he's much older than you are, isn't he?"

Hermione swallowed hard. "Yes, he is. He's thirty-nine year-old, actually."

Jane gasped, but her smile was still on her face. "Well, I wouldn't have thought that he was that old. Not that I think that it's disgusting, far from it, darling. It's just... surprising."

"Trust me, I was as surprised as you are right now, maybe more," Hermione let out with a laugh. "Anyway... One day, I just realized that this relationship had no future; we were so different, and we both wanted too different things. We argued, and..."

Hermione's voice broke, and she lowered her head a little, embarrassed to show this facet of her personality to her mother. Jane bent over in order to take her daughter's hand in hers, and she gently caressed it.

"Go ahead, sweetie, I know that you need to talk about this. What happened then?"

"Then I-I left," Hermione stammered, trying to contain her sobs at the same time. "I left him alone, like he used to live before, and I haven't seen him since then. But now, I have to see him tomorrow, because he was my Potions Master, and... I don't even know what I'm going to tell him."

Her mother didn't answer right away. She just held her hand in hers, waiting for Hermione to calm down. Eventually, Hermione wiped off the last tear that was falling down her cheek, and looked up at her.

"It's pathetic, isn't it?," she whispered to her mother with a forced smile. "I mean, I'm supposed to be strong, and determined. Oh!, and I forget that I'm supposed to be clever," she let out with a bitter laugh. "Obviously, I didn't even think about it when I left."

"Just tell me, Hermione," her mother began slowly, as if she hadn't listened to a single world of what her daughter just said. "Why did you leave him?"

Hermione frowned. "I just told you; we argued and..."

"No, no, it's not what I'm asking you right now," Jane interrupted her. "Why did you leave him?," she repeated, her bright eyes looking right into her daughter's chestnut ones. Hermione shook her head, as if she was trying to understand what her mother was telling her, which she eventually did, or managed to do.

"Because I was scared," she muttered.

"And why were you scared, darling?"

"I don't know...," Hermione said slowly. "I mean, so many things happened. Then he told me that we could never be a couple like everybody else, and..." Hermione closed her eyes, overwhelmed by the last souvenirs that she had with Severus. "I know that I couldn't have a proper relationship with Severus. Even if he's a war hero, none of my friends really like him. They deal with him, yes, but only when he's far from them. Harry has a special link with him, because there's a lot of history between Severus and Harry's mother, but really, none of my friends would have understood why I fell in love with him in the first place. Moreover, he was our teacher."

Jane Granger nodded, and took a certain amount of time before talking again. "So, you're telling me that you reproached him for something that you know is true?"

"No, it's not like that. It's only a fact: our relationship wouldn't have been understood by my friends. But I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to build something with me, despite all this. I wanted...," she muttered, "I wanted him to say that he would overcome his taciturn side for me, you know..."

Her mother raised an eyebrow, before letting out a little laugh. "Hermione, don't you think that you're dramatizing the situation? Let me explain," she added quickly when she saw Hermione opening her mouth to retort. "You know, your father and I, we were together for almost ten years before you came into our life. We broke up a lot of time, to be honest. I'm not really proud of it, since I was the one who always broke up with him. I blamed him for a lot of things, and, when I look back at that period of my life, I regret what I said to him. You see, I never gave him the occasion to reply to my reproaches; like you did, I always ran away after spitting my venom. How childish is it, don't you think? Eventually, I always came back to your father; he was the love of my life, after all. With time, I realized that the only way to fix a relationship, is to talk to each other. I'm not saying that he didn't do anything wrong, but did Severus had the time to explain himself?"

Hermione swallowed hard, before shaking her head. "No, I just... left," she whispered.

"Do you regret it, now? Do you regret the fact that you didn't give him a chance to talk to you?"

"He could have talked to me if he really wanted to!," Hermione said.

"Darling, how did you leave him?," Jane asked in a soft voice.

"I... I wrote him a letter," her daughter stammered, blushing.

"I recognize you there," Jane laughed. "But, sweetie, I can understand why he didn't try to talk to you afterward; you didn't give him any hope that things could be fixed between you two. And I'm sure that, being older than you are, he thought that you deserved better than him. Don't you agree?"

Hermione looked up at her mother, disturbed by what the older woman had just said. For the first time, someone was telling her that she had acted like a child, and Hermione realized with a sinking feeling that she couldn't deny it.

"Hermione, I just have another question for you... Can I?," the older woman asked, squeezing her daughter's hand in hers.

"Of course, mom..."

"Do you still love him?," she asked in a low voice.

Did she still love him? During months, her heart had told her that yes, she loved him, but her head had always said the contrary. But now, after this discussion with her mother, who was still holding her hand in hers, Hermione finally had her answer.

"Yes, I do..."

"Hermione...," Jane Granger sighed. "I know who you are, and I also know that you're much more combattive than that. During two months, you were the shadow of what you used to be, and I can't stay here and say that everything will be fine. I'm not telling you to go and jump in Severus' arms. But obviously, running away wasn't a good solution; you have to talk to each other and see what your future together look like. Maybe that it will end the same way, that's a possibility. But then, you'll know that you tried every possible thing to save your relationship, and you will be able to move on."

Hermione nodded and quickly dried her tears, while Jane Granger stood up in order to take her daughter in her arms.

"Thank you, mom... You don't know how valuable your words are to me," she whispered in her embrace.

Jane smiled, and hold her tighter. "Anytime, sweetheart. Anytime..."

XxX

She hadn't slept. Well, she had slept, to be honest; she had slept one hour, not enough to feel rested. She had prepared herself quickly, had spent just five minutes under the warm water before putting some clothes on: a little black dress with a red cardigan and black boots and thighs.

She had Apparated next to the Ministry, and she was now sitting in the waiting room of the Wizarding Examinations Authority office. She took a deep breath when she looked at the student who was leaving the office, quietly closing the door behind him. Without a glance at Hermione, he quickly left the office, visibly not proud of himself. Hermione bit her lower lip, and tried to breath again. Slowly, she remembered what her mother had told her: "close your eyes, and take three deep breaths. Imagine that you're in the most amazing place, a bookstore for example, I know how you love them." Several seconds passed, and Hermione began to feel a little better. But her tranquility was disturbed by one of the examiners who opened the door, fixing his glasses over the tip of his nose.

"Miss Granger?," he asked in a sharp voice that matched with his thin beard. "Follow me, please."

Hermione quickly grabbed her purse, which was at her feet and followed him into the office, taking time to look around her. She had never seen this place before, and she shuddered when she noticed how cold the room was. In front of her, there was a small table, with a single chair in front of it. A few feet from the table, there was another table, a longer one this time, and Hermione noticed that five people were sitting on the other side. Tilden Toots, who was at the right end of the table, gave her a shy smile along with a wave of his hand, and Hermione nodded in response. Three examiners were sitting next to him, and none of them appeared to be the type to go easy on the students. Her gaze didn't seem to want to go further to the left, but eventually it dit, and she met the dark eyes of Severus Snape. His eyes were darting on her, and she swallowed hard, disturbed to see him after all this time. He hadn't changed a lot in two months, obviously, even if Hermione noticed that his face seemed to have hollowed out since the last day that she had seen him. He was wearing his usual black robe, and she quickly looked down, as a naughty child caught in act.

"Well, miss Granger, I'm Professor Golpert...," the oldest examiner, who was sitting in the middle drawled, "do you mind introducing yourself? By the way, sit down, please."

Hermione quickly nodded and sat in the middle of the room, joining her hands on the center of the table, looking right at the examiner who just talked to her.

"Nice to meet you, Professor Golpert, Professors," she began, with a smile for each examiner. "I'm Hermione Granger. I'm twenty year-old, and I'm in my second year of Potions studies."

"And what about your previous schooling?", Professor Golpert asked.

"I was a student at Hogwarts. I received ten O.W.L.s during my fifth year, but I didn't have the occasion to pass my N.E.W.T.s, unfortunately. However, I had the opportunity to continue my schooling thanks to Minerva McGonagall."

"I heard about it," the female examiner, who was sitting to the left of Professor Golpert, said. "Well, we're going to ask you some... basic questions about Potions, things that we assume you must know at this point of your apprenticeship. The duration of this examination all depends on you then. Are you ready?"

Hermione tried to avoid Severus' gaze as much as possible, but it was quite difficult, given that he was one of her examiners too. They began to ask her some questions, and Hermione answered all of them. At first... Then, she saw Professor Golpert frown, as if he was bothered to see that she could answer properly all of his questions.

"Well, let's see... Miss Granger, describe me what you would do in order to test a potion that you've just created? How would you know that it works and that you can sell it? Would you test it right away or...? Well, you're the one who have to answer here," he finished with a smile at the corner of his lips.

Hermione cleared her throat, trying to focus on what she was about to answer. Her eyes met Severus' black ones, and she remembered about the potion that he had brewed for St. Mungo's, the one that they had delivered the day she had gone away. It was a potion that Severus had created, with her help, and the healers were supposed to test it. But how? She swallowed hard, trying to mobilize her knowledge, but all that she was able to see was Severus frowning. He looked right at her, obviously waiting for an answer, and Hermione returned her attention to her hands.

"We're waiting, Miss...," the second woman examiner said slowly.

"Yes, sure, hem...," she stammered. "I think that the best solution would be to... test it on some patients, who suffered from the disease that the potion is supposed to cure in the first place."

"And what about the potion that are not made in order to cure something? What about, let's see... Some Felix Felicis variation, for example?," the examiner insisted.

"I guess that we can try them right away."

"What about the side effects?"

"Then I guess that we have to select some healthy people in order to test them...," Hermione answered slowly, her voice not as steady as it was before.

"You guess? You think? You don't seem to be very sure of your answers, Miss Granger...," Professor Golpert drawled, noting some things on his parchment.

"I am, it's just that I didn't expect this kind of questions, that's all."

"If you were so sure of yourself, Miss Granger," the woman next to Severus said, "you would have known that there is just one protocol for Potions tests. One, and only one protocol, that the healers of St. Mungo's use. Every potion has to go through this protocol, and, de facto, through the hands of the St. Mungo's healers, in order to be validated. It's just after this test that you can sell your new potion. You should have known that."

Hermione froze on her chair, while Tilden Toots was trying to catch the attention of his fellow examiners.

"We didn't have the time to work on this with Miss Granger, to be honest," he explained with a smile, "but I'm sure that we will manage to catch up this part of the program later."

"Master Toots," Professor Golpert said slowly, one of his eyebrow raised, "this is something that this young lady was supposed to learn during her first semester. We are judging her on the knowledge that she is supposed to have acquired at this point of her apprenticeship. Clearly, this is something that she doesn't know, and we must consider this lack of competence."

Hermione saw Tilden Toots nod, and she bit the inside of her cheek to avoid crying. It was the first time of her life that she was ashamed of herself in front of a bunch of Professors, and it was even worse to know that she was making a fool of herself in front of Severus Snape.

The examiners continued to ask her many more questions, and she was so disturbed that she only managed to answer about half of them, no more. Severus didn't talk during all of her examination, but Hermione could feel his ardent gaze on her all the time.

"Okay, I think that we have everything we need here," Professor Golpert eventually drawled. "We will send you your transcript in a few days, Miss Granger. You can leave now."

Hermione quickly thanked them and headed for the exit without another glance at Severus. She passed through the door and fell onto one of the chairs of the waiting room, sobbing. It had been a total nightmare, and she knew that it wouldn't be enough to get an Outstanding for her Potions degree. She stayed there during long minutes, relieved to be the last student in the waiting room. Just when she stood up to leave the Wizarding Examinations Authority office, the door in front of her flung open, and she quickly looked at it.

There, right in front of her eyes, stood Severus Snape, looking at her. Hermione opened her mouth a little, as if she wanted to say something to him, but finally she just wiped of the last tear that was falling on her cheek.

"Miss Granger," Severus said with a nod, before heading for the exit, as if she was a stranger to his eyes.

Hermione didn't move, not knowing what to do. Eventually, she followed him at a rapid pace, and put a hand on his arm when she reached him. He turned around, frowning, and Hermione almost bumped into him, surprised to see him stop that quickly.

"What do you want?," he muttered through clenched teeth, his eyes full of what seemed to be anger.

Yes, what was she thinking about when she had ran after him? She shook her head, trying to tidy up her ideas.

"I'm... I'm sorry," she just whispered slowly.

Severus looked around, and when he saw that they were alone, he crossed his arms over his chest.

"What for? For having failed your examination? I think that I am not the one who deserve your apologies, I am afraid," he said dryly, with a little and sarcastic smile on his face.

Hermione looked down at her hands, and shook her head. "You know that I'm not talking about that..."

"And what are you talking about then? You are sorry because you did not have the opportunity to learn about the Potions testing protocol with me when you had the occasion?," he asked slowly, while a Ministry employee passed next to them.

"Or maybe you are sorry because you worked with me in the first place? I don't know what option is the best, to be honest," he snapped back at her, not waiting for her answer.

Hermione took a step back, afraid of seeing him reacting like this. "Please, I just need to talk to you...," she muttered, her eyes fixed on the group of Ministry employees who were coming right toward them. "But not here. Please," she added.

Severus seemed to be mad at her. Excessively mad. But how could she blame him? He had been wrong in the first place, of course, but in the end, she was the one who left him alone, without any chance to explain himself. She was the one who had ended their relationship. He smirked ironically at her, before shaking his head and turning around.

"Where are you going?," she asked, following his rapid pace the best she could. He stopped for a second, and Hermione thought that she had caught his attention. However, she didn't have the answer that she wanted.

"As far as I am concerned, I have nothing to tell you, Miss Granger. Have a nice day," he spat icily, before heading once again for the exit of the Ministry. Hermione didn't move, and looked at him until he disappeared into another corridor. This time, she was the one left behind.