Shelby was exhuasted. Never in her life had she been this tired, it was the kind of exhaustion that crept into her bones, into every cell of her body, making the slightest of movements seem like the biggest exertion.

The last month had passed in the same daily cycle. Every morning she was up at 5am, ready to be at the hospital for 6am. She spent all day at her baby boys bed side. Brett, who after much cajoling had convinced her to let him take the night shift, would join her at 4pm, and together they watch over the baby, until Shelby finally left at 8pm in the evening.

Shelby was subsiding on apples, coke zero and granola bars. It was as much as Hiram and Leroy could do to make her eat a square meal when she returned home in the evenings. They had offered to take a 'shift' at the hospital, but Shelby had refused. This was her baby, she was going to be the one to look after him thank you very much.

So it was that Shelby would return each night, pick at some food, and go to bed. Unfortunately, each night, sleep never came, no matter how hard she tried. Half of the night she spent worrying about Rachel, how she wasn't spending enough time with her, how she was letting her down by not being there. The rest of the night she spent worring about something else, something she dare not admit to anyone. Her feelings for baby Robert David.

With Rachel, she had loved her from before she was born, that love exploding into something even more fierce the second she was born. But Robbie, as Brett had nick-named him, she felt oddly detached. Perhaps it was because she didn't know she was pregnant? she had tried to rationalize it. Perhaps it was because she had barely held him?

She spent all day, every day at the hospital, because she felt that was what her role has mother dictated her to do, as if her physical presence near him would transfer some kind of feelings on to her by osmosis. He was her son, she was concerned about his well-being, she wanted him to grow and to flourish and to leave the hospital. She just didn't love him. At least not in the way she loved Rachel.

Brett kept wanting to talk about 'the future' and Shelby kept refusing. But baby Robbie was going to leave the hospital soon, and Shelby was not about to deny Brett from seeing or caring for his son, so she knew she couldn't keep postponing it forever, but it was just another thing to think about.

Shelby turned her key in the lock of the front door. It was late, later than usual. She'd promised Rachel for the past 2 days that she would try and get away early, and here she was getting back at 11pm. She'd intended on leaving the hospital at 8 as usual, but then the doctor wanted to speak to her about releasing Robbie, and then Brett had wanted to his say, and Shelby had felt has if her head was going to explode, so had just driven round for a while to try and clear her head.

"Shelby?" Hiram called sleepily from the front room where he had been dozing in an arm chair.

"Yes dad, don't worry" Shelby said as she slipped her shoes off.

"You're very late, is Robbie ok?" he asked, coming to join her in the hallway.

"he's fine, they think he could be ready to come home next week" Shelby replied, heading up the stairs, Hiram trailing behind her fussing.

"Do you want something to eat?"

"No Dad I'm fine" Shelby huffed

"You don't look fine, you look tired and gaunt and-"

"Look dad-" Shelby swung her bedroom door open and jumped as she saw a figure in the darkness, knocking into Hiram who was behind her.

Hand to her chest, she flipped on the light to reveal that the figure was Rachel, fast asleep, clutching her note pad, in the middle of Shelby's bed.

"She wanted to talk to you about Westside story auditions" Hiram said, with a frown, " I thought she gave up and went to bed, well, I guess she did, just not the one I meant"

Shelby's heart clenched at the sight of Rachel curled up in a ball, looking all young and innocent. What kind of ass-backwards mother was she? Neglecting her baby girl at the expense of her baby boy. How did other people cope with having more than one child to worry about?

"I'll get her" Hiram said, moving toward the bed, ready to pick her up bridal style and deposit it her in her own room.

"No" Shelby put her hand on Hirams arm. "Leave her, just shift her to the side a bit so I can lay down too"

Hiram did as we was told, while Shelby made quick work for changing into her pyjamas. She slid into bed next to the still sleeping Rachel.

"You need to rest" Hiram lectured, removing the notebook from Rachel's hand, and drawing the covers up over the pair of them, tucking Shelby in like he had when she was little. Shelby mumbled something incomprehensible, her eyes already half closing, while Hiram paused to kiss them both on the head.

When Shelby awoke the next morning, it was to sun streaming through the curtains, not the usual darkness of early morning. What was going on? Why hadn't her alarm gone off? She frantically reached for her phone, only to find that the battery was completely dead. In her haste to get into bed last night, she'd forgotten to charge her phone.

"Mommy?" a groggy voice next to her said. Shelbys movements had woken Rachel up. Rubbing her eyes free of sleep, Rachel blinked, and realised it really was Shelby in bed with her, and not a figment of her imagination. "Mom!" she exclaimed happily, rolling toward her mother. Shelby slumped back down on her pillow, and lifted and arm so that Rachel could nestle into her side.

"Why aren't you at the hospital?" Rachel asked

"My alarm didn't go off" Shelby said. A flash of hurt crossed Rachel's face, as for the briefest of moments, she'd been hoping her mother had decided to stay home to spend time with her. Shelby's heart shattered at the sight "and to spend some time with you" she said, making a snap decision to take the morning off. She felt refreshed for the first time in a long while, she had actually slept pretty soundly that night. "Dad!" Shelby called sitting up.

LeRoy appeared in the door way. "Dad is in the shower. Aren't you going to be late to the hospital?"

"No, I'm going to go this afternoon instead." Shelby said. "I was just wondering if one of you would mind going, just so Robbie isn't alone"

LeRoy smiled, "You only had to ask sweatheart. Of course we can."

"Thank you" Shelby replied.

"What do you want to do?" Rachel asked once LeRoy had left.

"I thought you wanted me to look at your Westside Story audition" Shelby gestured to the notebook on the nightstand.

"Yeah I do" Rachel said sleepily, playing with the buttons on Shelby's pyjama top. "We could do something else too, I haven't seen you in ages!"

"I know" Shelby said, the guilt returning to her chest "But your brother-" Shelby noticed the flinch from Rachel when she said those words "-should be home soon, then you'll see me all the time."

"You're bringing him back here?" Rachel asked

"Well where else would I bring him?" Shelby exclaimed

"I thought you'd move in with Brett" Rachel muttered

"No, not for the moment, I-" Shelby tried to compose her thoughts.

"So you might in the future?" Rachel jumped on Shelbys words "not that it matters to me, you already told me I have to stay with Dad and Daddy."

"What? Look Rach, I can't even think straight right now!" Shelby exclaimed in frustration, "Brett and I haven't talked about anything other than Robbies health. I don't know what he wants to do, or where he wants to live. All I know is that as long as you are in Lima, I am staying in Lima, and he wants to be the best Dad he can be to Robbie, whatever that means for our respective living arrangements I don't know."

"But it would make sense" Rachel pushed " Mom, Dad and Baby, all living together like a *proper* family. Think how perfect you'd look from the outside, how normal, and respectable."

"Rach..." for all the sleep Shelby had had the night before, she still didn't have the energy to deal with whatever was going on in her daughters head at the moment. She didn't even have the first idea of where to start. "Look, can we talk about this another time? Let's just watch a movie and hangout."

" Sure, fine, whatever." Rachel rolled over, putting her back to Shelby.

Shelby sighed. It was official, she was the worst mother in the world.