I don't know what you're expecting of me

-Linkin Park, "Numb"


Wednesday, February 25, 1998

I was alone. The basement was dark and empty. Dalton was upstairs, being a good minion and making sure there was food ready. He was much better at having meatloaf or pot roast ready for Joyce when she got home than he'd ever been at hunting and bringing back a human for his vampire masters. I doubted Mom…Joyce had any idea what he was doing. Buffy might recognize it as the same instinct, but she wouldn't say anything to either of them.

I gasped as the events of the night before rolled over me again. Jenny was dead.

I moaned low in my throat and curled up tighter. Dalton had unchained me before leaving but I had no desire to go anywhere. My friend had died because I hadn't been able to stake Angelus when I had the chance. Jenny had cared for me. She'd understood me and made me feel better. She'd worried about me. And now she was gone. All because of me, because of the echo of a Sire bond I hadn't even been able to feel at the time. I wanted to blame Angelus for breaking me, but I knew. I knew it was all me. I was Drusilla and Drusilla was useless. I wasn't really the Slayer. If it'd been left to me last night Giles would have been dead as well.

Xander had sat with me that morning while I'd fallen asleep, but he had gone home during the afternoon to shower and get a change of clothes. He was a nice boy, with warm eyes, but he hadn't really known what to say.

Spike would have known how to soothe me, but he didn't belong to me anymore. While I grieved he'd taken Buffy upstairs to her perfect little bed and they'd gotten lost in each other. Xander obviously hadn't been able to hear them, but I'd had to endure every grunt and moan.

I wasn't bitter that they had each other, I was more jealous of the closeness. I'd never loved like that. Spike had given all of himself to me for very little in return. I hadn't even realized how messed up it all was until I had Buffy's borrowed soul to tell me. Now I had not only the guilt of my own evil to nip and worry at me, but all of his as well. He'd followed along behind me, believing if he did what I did or topped it that it would finally be the thing that would make me love him. Or at least that it would keep me by his side.

It had never worked like he wanted it to.

I didn't begrudge Spike the love he found now. Hell knew he deserved the way Buffy looked at him like he hung the moon. I just wished I didn't feel so alone.

Above me the stars appeared, pushing down on me. I didn't want to look. They'd only spell out bad things. I hid my face in my pillow, feeling their angry heat, and counting down the seconds until sundown.

I opened my eyes to the kitchen. It was full of people and noise.

Ugh, and I felt terrible.

Spike was looking at me, face worried, but as soon as he saw me blinking and the subtle changes in posture that said it was now me and not Buffy, he whirled away. He turned his back on me as he waited on Buffy to come upstairs. I knew he wasn't really mad at me and that he understood I had no choice with the switching, but it still stung. I wasn't wanted. I was a three-legged dog he felt compelled to take care of but had little use for anymore.

"Hey." Xander's hand was warm on my arm. I turned a grateful smile towards him. "You doing okay, Dru? You look a little under the weather."

I wrinkled my nose. "I've felt better but it won't stop me from patrolling." I had to go. I wouldn't let Angelus kill one more person.

"Can you eat any dinner? Martha Stewart made spaghetti." He nudged the plate towards me, but my middle felt like I'd eaten a pile of bricks.

With a shake of my head I pushed the food away. "I can't. I'll just go grab some weapons and we can head out."

Xander nodded and grabbed my elbow to steady me when I wobbled a little as I stood. What was wrong with me?

I glanced at Buffy and Spike as I walked past them, but they were wrapped up in each other with eyes for no one else. Like usual, I'd already been forgotten.


We were wandering through a graveyard. I didn't remember which one. Willow and Xander were eyeing me as I concentrated extremely hard on not stumbling over my own feet.

"Maybe we should head back," Willow said, biting her lip. "I think Buffy and Spike were going to patrol as well and they probably feel a little less…"

"Dead?" Xander snorted.

"I wasn't going to say that."

Xander shot her a look.

"Okay, I totally was, but it just kind of slipped out."

I tried to chuckle but it came out as a weak cough instead. "No," I managed to wheeze out. "I want to make sure Angelus isn't out here." The words were hardly out of my mouth before a hard body clipped my side with a growl.

Oh crap. "Speak of the devil," I mumbled. My hand tightened on a stake. I hadn't felt him or the minion with him approaching. I must be way sicker than I'd thought.

Sick. Weak.

I whimpered. No. I couldn't be like that again.

"Not feeling well? The boy keeping you up too late at night?" Angelus leered around his fangs.

I lashed out with a left hook and sent him reeling back. Only he didn't go nearly as far as he should have. Xander and Willow were occupied by the minion. It must have been newly risen because they seemed to be having some luck. I swung at Angelus again as he swooped towards me and missed, badly.

He chuckled. "You're off your game. Spike getting a nip in? You feeling a little anemic?"

"You don't know anything!" I snarled. He caught my chin with a jab and I went down hard. I tried to scramble backwards but my legs wouldn't obey. Angelus grabbed the front of my blouse and pulled me upright. I teetered on my feet and all but hung from his fist. The stake I'd been holding slipped from my fingers.

Angelus was going to kill me. He'd done it once, but this time it'd be forever. Tears leaked down my cheeks. In that moment I wanted him to do it. Only…only…it wasn't my body. It wasn't my decision. I'd already let Angelus take too much from Buffy. I grabbed his wrist and tried to push him away.

"Tsk, tsk. None of that." He kissed my neck.

I shook. It was too much. "No, Daddy. Please…not again."

Angelus froze. "Dru?"

"Don't hurt me, Daddy, don't hurt your girl. I'll be good." I was babbling.

"Oh, this is rich!" Angelus dropped me and I landed in a heap on the ground. I curled up in a ball, the tears coming hard and fast. Angelus crouched down, pinning me to the dirt by my shoulders. "You and Buffy are switching bodies?"

I sobbed, too frightened to get the words out.

He shook me. "Answer me, Drusilla!"

"Yes. At night."

"Night? Does that mean?" I saw the lightbulb go on. He started laughing. "It wasn't even her. It was you. Well thank you, Drusilla, for relieving me of that pesky soul." I flinched as he brought his face to hover right over mine. "So, is Willie poking you or the Slayer?" I looked away. "Oh, poor Dru. Passed over by the runt for a blonde with a perky set of tits. Not that I blame him." He squeezed one of my breasts hard. From somewhere I found the strength to buck him off me.

He landed on his back and I tried to follow up with a series of punches. Only they landed with a lot less force than normal. With a snarl he rolled me back under him and wrenched my arms over my head. Something snapped in one arm and I screamed. His hand found my throat and darkness ate at the edges of my vision.

"Get away from her!" Xander yelled. Both he and Willow were there, shoving crosses into Angelus' face. He jumped off me, snarled, and rushed off into the night. I tried to stand but my knees wouldn't cooperate. I fell into the darkness.


I woke up freezing. I tried to sit up but was immediately pushed back.

"It's okay honey, you're in the hospital," a kind voice said.

Hospital? No, I couldn't be in a hospital. I did terrible things in hospitals. The blood ran in red rivers and the girls screamed. Was Spike there? Buffy would be so mad at me if I made him do something bad.

There was too much blood. I was drowning in it. I gasped and coughed. There were people talking but I couldn't hear them. I thought they were reading a list of every horrible thing I'd done. A list of names of all the sons, daughters, moms, and dads that I'd killed. We'd be there forever. It was such a long, long list.

Angelus had killed me and I'd gone to hell.

Buffy was going to be so mad at me.

I tried again to stand up. I had to find her and tell her I was sorry.

"Honey, stop struggling!" The voice was exasperated now, but I couldn't do what it said. Buffy had to know I was sorry, that I hadn't meant to get her killed.

"Ativan, 2 milligrams, STAT," someone barked.

There was a pinch in the crook of my elbow and my mind slipped away.


"Drusilla?" There was a warm hand on my arm.

My mouth was absurdly dry. I had to try a couple of times before I was able to speak. "Xander?" I opened my eyes and tried to focus on his face. It was a lot harder than it should have been.

"Yeah, it's me. Giles left to take Willow home."

"Are you okay?" I whispered. I couldn't remember everything that'd happened in the graveyard. Angelus had been there, but it was all really fuzzy.

"Yeah, Angelus didn't hurt us. You scared the stuffing out of me, though. I couldn't wake you up." He ran a hand through his shaggy hair.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He made it sound like it really was. Like it wasn't my fault that he'd been in danger.

"Am I still in the hospital?"

"Yeah, you've got the flu that's been going around school."

I started to sit up, I couldn't be here. The room tilted crazily and I let out a soft cry.

"Whoa, where are you going?" Xander caught me by the shoulders.

"I can't be here!" Panic welled up. Every atrocity I'd committed in a hospital or mental ward was threatening to come down on me like an avalanche. I couldn't even hide in being Buffy anymore. Everyone knew I was Drusilla. Even me.

"Uh, yeah you can. You're really sick, Dru."

"I can't be sick. I can't be in a hospital!"

Xander must have seen something in my face. "Why not?"

I flopped down on my side and Xander lowered the side rail so we could easily see each other while he was sitting in the chair next to the bed. "I…I do bad things in hospitals. No one fights back. Sometimes they feel so bad they welcome you with open arms."

Xander sighed. "Dru…"

"Buffy's going to be so upset with me if I hurt someone."

He smiled lopsidedly. "You don't feel like doing any of that stuff right now, do you?"

I frowned and tried to push the fear down enough to take stock. I wasn't even hungry. Oh, and I was in Buffy's body right now. "I guess not." I started to relax.

"So you and fang boy used to hunt in hospitals?"

"I liked to." I swallowed hard. Xander might not want to ever talk to me again, but I couldn't pretend my past didn't exist. If he couldn't deal with what I'd been, what I maybe still was, then I'd have to do without him as a friend.

"And Spike?"

I screwed up my face. "He'd go along with anything I suggested. He tends to like a challenge, so it's not something he'd probably choose on his own. Fish in a barrel isn't really his style."

Xander made a face.

"Anything evil William's ever done is my fault."

"I find that hard to believe. Spike's a big boy, he can decide things for himself." Xander slumped in his chair.

"It's true." I started picking at the lint on the thin hospital bedsheet. "He'd have done anything I said. Bad, good, anything. Now his heart belongs to Buffy. You don't have to worry about him. As long as she's letting him between her thighs he'll follow her lead."

"Drusilla! Like, Ew. Mental images I so did not need!" He jumped to his feet and started pacing. "Is there a way to scrub my brain with a Brillo pad?"

"Sorry," I whispered. He continued pacing and muttering. He was a nice boy. I was nothing but a demon. I'd let the crude phrase slip without even thinking. My mother always said a lady had to watch what she said around a gentleman. But I was no lady…

The tears caught me by surprise.

Xander quickly came and sat next to me on the edge of the bed. "Dru, Dru-" He took my hand. "What's wrong?"

"I should have listened to my mother," I wailed.

"About what?"

"Everything. How to be a lady. That good girls don't say bad things, that they don't see the future, not if they want a boy to like them."

"Oh, Dru." He ran his thumb back and forth across my knuckles. "Shhh. It's okay. You just took me by surprise. You know kids today. I hear way worse walking down the hall in school every day. It just, uh, made me feel a little weird with you being in Buffy's body right now." He smiled. "Hey, did Buffy ever tell you about the time last year that Principal Snyder made us all be in the talent show?"

I shook my head and let him change the topic. Xander started in on the story. Soon he had me giggling through my tears, especially when he stood up and acted out some of the scene they'd done. I laughed until I started coughing.

Xander sat down on the edge of the bed again and patted my back. "You should probably get some rest." I nodded and we lapsed into comfortable silence.

The stars came back, hovering over us, but this time they weren't upset. I rolled over and watched as they sparkled and shifted into a girl and boy dancing a waltz. I found Xander's hand and interlaced his fingers with mine. "The stars are dancing," I told him, smiling at the pretty picture they made.

"Round and round?" he asked.

"Round and round and round." I squeezed his hand. Xander was good to me. I knew that the stars weren't really there, that we were inside, but that didn't change the fact that I saw them. Spike would sometimes lose patience with me and snap that they weren't there, or smile at me in an 'indulge the crazy lady' way. Xander just accepted that his reality and my reality weren't always the exact same thing. The star-girl was wearing such a pretty dress. "I'd like a beautiful dress."

Xander cleared his throat and I glanced over at him. He was blushing slightly, the tips of his ears an adorable shade of pink. "What about the one with the double row of gold buttons down the front? I like that one."

"I like that one, too."

I kept hold of his hand while I fell asleep. He was such a nice boy. He saw me and that made me feel like maybe I wasn't completely alone.


Monday, March 2, 1998

I missed the notebook. It'd been nice to know what was going on. Like why, when sundown hit, I blinked into Buffy's body to find Mom staring daggers at her…me.

"Drusilla?" she asked with a wavering voice.

"Yes. What's wrong?"

Mom settled her hands on her hips. "You'll tell me the truth, right?"

"Absolutely!" Why would she think I would lie?

"Are Buffy and Spike having sex?"

I blinked. Had she been living under a rock? "Well, yeah, of course." I shrugged a shoulder.

Mom threw up her hands. "Tell Buffy I'm waiting for her in her room."

"Sure." I watched her march off. What bee had gotten into her bonnet?