Jerk Office
General I.N. Monger stood in the main hangar, not looking forward to today, he was receiving a visit from the Mayor of New York about the Gallaxus incident. The dark-skinned general didn't like having his time wasted with red tape rubbish but he had no choice, the mayor had good connections with the President.
The Mayors private jet touched down and rolled into the base, its engines powered down and the door opened, revealing a staircase that touched the ground. Out stepped a portly looking man in a suit, he had white hair on the sides and none on top and he looked very grouchy. Behind him came a younger man with brown hair that was greased back, he looked rather snootily at everything around him.
General Monger took a deep breath and then introduced himself, "Greetings, Mr Mayor, I am…"
"I know who you are! You're the General who set monsters loose on my city!" the mayor said grumpily.
"Those monsters were deployed to stop an alien invasion!" Monger reminded him.
"Well they didn't have to make such a mess! Half demolished buildings, ripped up roads, Lady Liberty reduced to rubble, and your giant dog marked his territory on all of Broadway!"
"When aliens are attacking, Mr Mayor, the damage is inconsequential," Monger said.
"That's Mayor Baloney to you!" he said.
"It certainly is,"
"What was that?"
"Nothing. Now, can you explain to me WHY you've come here in the first place?"
"The rebuilding of my city is going at a snail's pace and I want something done about it!"
"Look, Mr Mayor…"
"It's Baloney!"
"I know," Monger grinned.
The two walked out of the hangar, trying to reach an agreement about New York's condition. Leaving his personal staff free to roam the base. The brown haired man walked down a busy corridor to see what he could see, "No wonder this place is hidden, it's a mess!" he said to himself.
Fang and T.O.M were nearby, they rounded the corner and when they saw the man Fang jumped back round the corner, he wrapped his tail round T.O.M and pulled him back.
"What the matter, Bro?" asked the tomato.
"Didn't you notice that guy round the corner?"
T.O.M peeked, saw the man looking at his computer tablet and re-joined his mate, "No?"
"That's Eric Beadle! Sarah's ex-boyfriend! The jerk that broke her heart just after we'd been released from prison! The one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with but got her hopes and dreams crushed into nothing!"
T.O.M thought for a moment, he was slow to catch up.
"Was that the one with the park?"
"Yeah, we found her alone and crying her eyes out because of him! And now he's here…in the base!" said Fang.
T.O.M pulled out a baseball bat and held it in both hands, "Well let's go say 'hello' then?"
Fang stopped him and pulled him back again, "No no! No matter how much of gigantic butt-hole they are we don't hit people with bats!"
"Not even a little bit?"
"Well…"
"Ah, monsters,"
They jumped when they noticed Eric standing before them; T.O.M hid the bat behind his back.
"Hey, Eric, right? What's a motherf-erm, guy like you doing here?" couched Fang.
"I'm the Mayors Aide. I'm here because Mayor Baloney wants to have words with Monger about New York and damage you caused,"
"You're welcome!" T.O.M said crossly.
"Anyways, we only just finished totalling up the bill for repairs and think it's only fair that Area Fifty-Unknown pay the majority of the cost,"
"You ain't getting me piggybank!" scowled T.O.M, "Mainly cos I don't have one!"
"We're working on that, Mayor Baloney is hoping the General will be reasonable and sell off some of your 'toys' in order to pay the bills. As for me, I thought I'd like to see the place where Sarah lives now,"
"Sarah don't wanna see you!" Fang said angrily, "Not after what you did to her! Said she never wanted to see you again!"
Eric laughed off his comment, "Pfft, that's impossible! Everyone wants to know me! And she can't be mad about that forever, I'm her dream guy! Laters!"
As he turned, T.O.M raised his bat ready to strike him but Fang took the bat off him.
"He is SUCH a jerk!" the tomato said angrily.
"Yeah I know, but imagine what'll happen if Sarah sees him, all those painful memories coming back, she'll be crushed all over again! We have to make sure they don't see each other! Let's go find Doc and tell him!"
The two monsters ran off to find Dr Sprocket.
A short while later Sarah was in the gym, doing her daily aerobics, when Fang waltzed in, acting all casual, "Hey, Lil' S! Wassup?"
"Nothing, just stretching," she replied.
"That's great! Nothing like a good old streeeeeetch!" Fang stretched his body up till he hit his head on a hanging light. He returned to normal length and joined her, rubbing his head
"Was there something you wanted?" she asked.
"Nah, I just…" he then saw Eric walk into the room, in a panic he pushed Sarah into the water. Eric looked around the large room, there was only Fang and a swimming pool inside so he turned and left. Sarah surfaced, spitting water out of her mouth and looking crossly at Fang, "…wanted to show you how warm the water was today!" he grinned sheepishly.
At lunchtime Sarah and Dr Sprocket were in the mess hall, standing in the queue, when the mad scientist detected Eric Beadle entering the room. Quick thinking, he grabbed a nearby garbage bin and put it over Sarahs head, used napkins and wasted food splattering all over her. Eric walked past, frowning at the person with a bin on their head and entered the men's rest room. Sarah threw the garbage bin off and looked at Dr Sprocket with a what-the-hell look.
"Erm…todays special isn't nice to look at?" Dr Sprocket smiled nervously.
Mayor Baloney and General Monger were still walking through the base, still unable to come to an arrangement about cleaning up New York.
"…And the French are still miffed about the statue and about how they've got to make another one!"
"But this'll only be the second one they've ever made!"
"Something they just love reminding me by! If that's what they were saying to me, damn frogs can't speak the proper language! "
"That's the only thing we agree on,"
"Look here, you're responsible for ruining my city so you pay for the damages!"
"Not on your life, Mayor Man!"
"Baloney!"
"I know it is. But let's agree to a compromise: My base will pay 0% percent of the bills and you will find a way to be okay with that?"
Sarah was just coming out of the showers after washing all the garbage Dr Sprocket had dumped on her, she held onto the towel round her middle as she made for her locker for some clean clothes. T.O.M was just outside when he saw Eric coming down the hall. The monster dived into the locker room where he found Sarah just about to get changed.
"Hey, T.O.M, something you needed…"
T.O.M jumped on top of her without warning and consumed her in his vines. Eric stepped in, hoping to see some naked ladies but instead he only found T.O.M grinning at him. He sighed and then walked out again.
He waited till he was long gone and then released Sarah as she gasped for air.
"T.O.M, what the heck is wrong with you?" she coughed.
"Just playing hide-and-seek!" he lied, "By the way…here's your towel!"
He pulled her towel out of his body and handed it to her.
Eric had been wondering around the base all day but surprisingly he hadn't seen Sarah anywhere, he thought that with her being a fifty foot monstrosity that he would have seen her a mile away. Just then he bumped into something squishy, he stepped back and saw he had walked into a grey skinned alien with a large moustache.
"Aliens? Here?"
"Yes, flimsy human, and who might you be?" asked Covertron.
"I'm the Mayors Aide and I'm here to settle the debt the General owes Mr Baloney for breaking New York," Eric said.
"Oh yes? And how do you intend to accomplish that? The General hasn't been known to dip into his wallet for anyone. I wouldn't be surprised if there were Chilulian Space Bats in there!"
Eric frowned.
"They're like really large moths," the alien explained.
"Well, if the General won't pay up then the Mayor has instructed me to find any assets lying around that are of great value and sell them off to cover the costs!"
"Really?" this gave Covertron an idea as he stroked his moustache, "Y'know something, I think I can help you there,"
"You can? An alien?"
"Not all aliens are evil, conquering glory hunters! Some of us just want to help and I can assure you I am one of those aliens. Now follow me,"
Eric followed Covertron as he led him deep into the base.
Sarah was in the bases' large library room, hardly anyone went there and she needed some peace and quiet. However, as she read Fifty Tints of Green she could hear a noise above her; something was lurking on the book case above. She quietly placed the book down and then quickly grew big, scaring the life out of T.O.M.
"Argh!" the tomato fell off the bookcase and landed on the floor as books fell all around him.
Sarah shrank back down and walked up to the mutant tomato, "T.O.M, what were you doing up there? And what the hell's gotten into you and the other guys today?"
"We're keeping lookout so that you and Eric don't see each other!" he said.
"Eric? Eric's here?" spluttered Sarah.
T.O.M slapped himself, "D'oh, I've given it away! Bad mouth!" he tried to pull his own mouth off but Sarah stopped him.
"T.O.M, where is Eric now?" she asked.
The double doors opened up and Covertron flew in, "Ta-Daa!"
Eric stepped inside and was surrounded by numerous machines and computers, all of them looking extremely high tech and pricey, "Oh yes! These'll definitely give us a buck or two!" he said, rubbing his hands together.
"Oh, this? This is all rubbish really. This however…" Using his telekinesis, Covertron took a large cylindrical device out of a crate, it glowed blue as he placed it on a flatbed, "This is an Epsilon Field Generator! It can power the entire east coast for centuries! Will this do?"
Eric's eyes lit up, "I'll get the mother of all promotions for this! I can see the headlines now: ERIC BEADLE SAVES THE EAST COAST! A HEROS WELCOME!"
"Indeed, press that button and the conveyer belt shall carry the generator all the way to the hangar. Be careful with it though, its value is beyond imagination!" said Covertron.
Almost dribbling from the corner of his mouth, Eric leapt onto the flatbed, pressed the button and the whole thing began moving out the room, he didn't even say thank you to Covertron as he rolled out of sight.
Covertron however was doing his evil laugh, "Fool! That generator is way too powerful for any power grid to handle! Once it's connected it will blow the east coast of America off the face of the earth! HAA-HAA!"
Eric stayed on the platform, happily thinking about all the attention he would receive for fixing New York and solving the east coasts energy problems, no point in helping the west coast, there was nothing interesting on that side.
As he daydreamed a loud cough brought him back, he saw someone standing on the tracks before him. He quickly brought the platform to a halt and got off, "What's the big idea? I'm in the middle of an important financial…Sarah?"
Before him was Sarah, her arms folded as she scowled him, "Hey, Eric, been a long time," she said.
"You're…you're normal again! Wow!"
"I'm 'normal again'?" she echoed him.
"Yeah, you're not a giant fifty foot freak anymore! You know what this means? Now that you've got that big problem taken care of we can totally get back together! Might want to get rid of that hair band but I think we can make this work again!"
"Tell me something, Eric, did you fix your 'small' problem?" she asked.
"I…don't talk about that in public!" he whispered, suddenly going all squeamish.
"Well, we could talk about your small problem or your big problem? And by 'big' I mean ME!"
She grew to Titana and towered over him. Beadle turned to run but her giant foot came down and blocked his way, making him fall over, "N-n-now, Sarah, Baby! We can be reasonable about this! Come on, it can be just like old times again, you and I?"
"Old times? Oh, you mean like when I did this?"
She brought his face to her mouth and smothered him with her large, soft, pink lips. His cries were muffled as she prodded his face with her tongue. She took him out and he was covered in drool.
"Or maybe when I did this?"
She then crushed him to her chest in a big embrace. He squealed as her big strong arms pressed him into the thick red fabric of her shirt, his face almost becoming lost in her chest.
"Remember when I offered you all this, Eric? How I gave you my heart and you stomped on it?" she said, getting steadily angrier. She was about to crush him more but she took a deep breath and calmed down, "But times have changed, I've moved on with my life and from you!"
She put the traumatized Eric back down, he was wet and had marks on his face from the symbols on her shirt.
"What's going on here?" barked a voice.
General Monger and Mayor Baloney were standing in the archway; they were confused about what was going on.
"What is the meaning of terrorizing one of my staff?" Baloney demanded to know.
Sarah saluted the general, "Just putting the past behind me, General!"
"She…she tried to drown and suffocate me!" shrieked Eric.
"You deserve a lot worse after the way you ended things between us!" she snapped at him.
"Wait?" Baloney waved his hands to try and clear some things, "You two used to date?"
"Yes," they both said.
"And YOU broke up with HER?"
Eric nodded.
"Heavens, boy, are you gay or something?"
Sarah tried not to giggle whilst Eric went red with embarrassment.
"I'd like to know why there's a hyper powered generator out of its crate?" asked Monger, fixing a stare at Eric.
"This generator is the key to repairing the city and providing limitless energy to all its inhabitants!" Eric told the Mayor.
"There won't be any inhabitants left if you hook that thing up!" Monger informed him, "That thing will blow the whole east side clear out of the water!"
"Beadle? Care to explain why you were going to bring a weapon of mass destruction to MY CITY!" Baloney yelled at him.
"I…er…I thought…."
Baloney grabbed him by his shirt collar and marched him back to the hangar, "When we get back you are gonna find yourself filing so much paperwork that you could build the new Lady Liberty out of it!"
Eric was bundled onto the plane with the rest of the staff. Before he boarded, Mayor Baloney turned to Monger, "I suppose we will have to find some other way to speed up the rebuild, the stuff you have here is way too dangerous to sell off!"
"That's why we keep it locked away down here, to prevent them from causing harm to the outside world! We will be assisting with the repair work in due course, you'll just have to be patient," said Monger.
"Yeah, I suppose so,"
He boarded the jet and it rolled out of the hangar.
"Baloney says it all about that guy!" Monger said to himself.
Sarah found her fellow monsters in the living room; they were staying quiet and looking ashamed of themselves.
"So…the water dunking, the rubbish dump, smothering me, all of that was so I wouldn't have to see Eric?" she frowned at them.
They silently nodded, ready to be given an ear bashing.
But then she smiled and hugged T.O.M, "Guys, you didn't have to do that for me! I'm over Eric and its thanks to you guys that I moved on!"
"We were only looking out for you, my dear. We just remembered how you were the last time and we wanted to spare you from all that again," said Dr Sprocket.
"Yeah, you're our friend and teammate, but you're also like a little/big sister to us and we make sure we look out for each other," said Fang.
They all grouped together and had a big team hug. Sarah was so happy that she grew big and filled the whole room, her arms wrapped around her best friends; she knew that, unlike Eric, they would never reject her.
To Obey and Punish
Everyone was gathered in the War Room, the monsters on one side and the aliens on the other. Ravnivore was busy licking himself with his two tongues as Sqooty typed away on his compocketer. T.O.M was occupied, trying to find his chair, not realising that he had already absorbed it into his body.
General Monger stood between them at the end of the table, his jetpack strapped on and running and a suitcase by his feet, "Monsters, Aliens, as you know I get one week off a year and that means I'm gonna be leaving someone else to take charge of the base in my absence,"
Sarah raised her hand, "Can I do it?" she asked nicely.
Covertron used his telekinesis to lower her hand back down, "Please, the blonde bimbo wouldn't know command if it danced naked in front of her! I, however, am born for such leadership,"
Sarah pulled her eye down and stuck her tongue out at him. Covertron responded by wiggling his fingers at her, "On my planet this insulting gesture is forbidden to all!"
"Enough! Neither monster nor alien will be assuming command whilst I'm gone! I've already chosen a suitable candidate," said Monger as he walked over to the computer panel and hit a red button. A large pixelated face appeared on the main monitor, its eyes staring down on them, "Meet Surgeant, a highly intelligent super computer that will automate the whole base!"
Surgeant now on-line. Maintaining all necessary functions to keep the base running.
Bar'Hbi stood up and marched over to the screen, "You expect me to take orders from some video game reject?" she yelled, her staff in hands.
Hostility detected. Activating containment.
An energy barrier surrounded the huntress, preventing her from escaping.
"This will not hold me! Hiyah!"
She fired her staff at the forcefield but the energy beams just bounced off, striking her several times. The forcefield lifted once Bar'Hbi had calmed down, she took her seat and sat back down, now battered and burnt.
"Surgeant will keep things running just fine. Now play nice and don't let me come back finding my base exploded!" said Monger as he picked up his suitcase and flew out the room.
"Oh well," sighed Fang, "Coulda been worse, could've had Covertron running things,"
Covertron wiggled his fingers again and got a forcefield brought down on him.
The next morning Dr Sprocket was in his lab, mixing dangerous and combustible chemicals together, when Surgeant appeared on his computer screen.
Dr Sprocket PhD. It is 8am.
"Thank you but I am aware of the time, I do have an in-built clock!" said the robo-doc.
Then you realise that you are late for your workout session?
"Workout session? I don't exercise, I'm a robot! A genius robot! My brain is my weapon and I exercise it by thinking!"
Base regulations specify that all members of staff must perform daily exercise routines and it is currently your turn.
"Sorry, no can do, I'm in the middle of something very…" Suddenly the doc's body turned around and began walking towards the door, "Hey, what's going on?"
I have taken over your robotic bodies' motor functions. You WILL be exercising whether you feel like it or not. 30 laps of the base, starting now!
"I won't be treated like this! This is inhumane!"
You are not human.
Dr Sprocket ended up running out of the lab and began doing laps of the base, the only thing he could control was the ability to spin his head round.
Down one of the main corridors T.O.M was trying to use a vending machine but it wasn't giving him his candy bar.
"Erm, Surgeant?" he called out, "Why me no get candy?"
The Surgeants face appeared on the vending machine window.
You have not received your snack because you have not earned it.
"I don't have any cents on me. Or sense for that matter!"
If you want to be fed then you must work for it.
"I don't have a job, I'm a monster, I save the world and stuff!"
That is not a job. Work or no candy for you.
Horrified, T.O.M quickly grabbed a mop and started mopping the floors.
Surgeant began picking on the others to, he split up Bar'Hbi and Ravnivore whilst they were training in the gym, deeming their training a violation of health and safety. He confined Sqooty to his quarters when he didn't put his drink on a coaster. He had Fang carry heavy cargo through the base because he was more capable of doing it than the human staff.
By day three they had all had enough, they grouped together and marched into the War Room where Surgeant was monitoring all security feeds.
"It's time we pulled the plug on this thing!" snarled Fang.
"Come on, guys!" said Sarah, "It's just doing what Monger would do if he were…hey, where's Doc?"
She got her answer when he came running past the doors, crying for help as his out of control body kept going.
"I've mopped so much that and I've started washing the walls and ceilings as well!" wailed T.O.M as he nibbled on the single candy bar he was given.
The aliens then entered the room, equally as cross with the Surgeant.
"That confounded computer is ruining my battle exercises!" Bar'Hbi said angrily, Ravnivore huffing in agreement.
"That wasn't even a drink I was carrying! It was a holographic projector for my report on cups!" said Sqooty.
"And how am I supposed to plan planetary conquest with Surgeant constantly shouting at me?" Covertron snapped, he then realised he had said too much, "Erm, I'm creating a new board game, Planetary Conquest, ages five and up!"
Fang returned his attention to Surgeant, whose big pixelated face was staring at them, "What is your problem? We're not soldiers or slaves! Quit cracking the whip on us!"
You are occupants of Area Fifty-Unknown. Area Fifty-Unknown is not a hotel. It is a military base. You will work to earn your keep or be ejected from the premises.
"Wait, you never gave me any chores," said Sarah.
Security feeds show you have done more than enough to continue staying in Area Fifty-Unknown.
The other screens showed footage of Sarah cleaning up after her fellow monsters, carrying heavy cargo when the conveyer belt broke down and changing the main corridors lights to energy saving bulbs.
Sarah Miller is a shining example which you would do well to follow.
Everyone glared at Sarah who was now blushing, "What? I like to do good things!"
"Pfft, Miss goody-goody!" muttered Covertron.
Sarah responded by wiggling all her fingers at him, making him gasp in shock.
That night the Surgeant was in standby mode after everyone had been observed returning to their quarters. He hadn't noticed that the footage of Fang asleep in his bed was actually just a photo he had placed there. Fang sneaked into the War Room as quietly as he could, he slithered along the floor towards the computer panel where Monger had switched the Surgeant on.
"No more orders from you, Pixel Boy!"
He reached up and pressed the red button, there was a momentary hum and then silence.
"Ahhh, peace at last,"
Then every screen came on at once, Surgeants angry face glaring at the snake.
ATTEMPTED ASSISNATION. THIS IS MUTINY AND WILL BE PUNISHED!
"Guess that was the wrong button then?" Fang squeaked.
Metal binds shot out of the walls and wrapped the snake up; he fell to the floor, unable to move.
You have committed a crime and will therefore be evicted from the base. You are a resident of Area Fifty-Unknown no more.
Robot arms came out and picked the snake up; they placed up a moving platform outside and began slowly carting him off down the corridor. As he was carried along Dr Sprocket came running alongside, "Hey Doc! Can you help a guy out?"
"Sorry, Fang, but I haven't been able to control my body for the last few days! I've been running round the base non-stop! And every time I protest the Surgeant makes me do another lap, I'm currently on 786!"
"Well you got a mouth, don't ya? Go tell everyone else what's happening!" yelled the snake.
Dr Sprocket nodded and continued on his rounds, as he ran along he yelled at his highest volume to all the other monsters and aliens about what was happening. Once they were all awake they ran off to find Fang and found him just as he was reaching the hangar.
"Hey guys! Little help?"
"Surgeant, what's going on here?" called Sarah.
Subject Fang attempted to shut down Surgeants operating systems, instead hitting the snooze button. This crime terminates Fang's living arrangements and will now leave the base forever.
"No, wait! Be reasonable!" she said.
"Yeah, be raisins!" said T.O.M.
"This is gone on long enough!" said Bar'Hbi, she took out her staff and began blasting the overhead speakers, "Surgeant shall be destroyed right now!"
Conspirators! You are all trying to destroy me! Eviction is no longer an option, initiating termination procedures!
Blue lasers shot down from the ceiling and struck the monsters and aliens, paralyzing them on the spot.
"Can't…move!" grunted Sqooty.
"Stasis fields! No…fair!" moaned Covertron, he tried to wriggle free but instead fell out of his chair.
You will all be taken down to the bases' incinerator where, one by one, you will be fed to the smelting pit! Maybe then you will treat the rules with some respect?
Sarah swayed back and forth, trying to free herself, "No….NO!" using her growing powers she broke free from the stasis field.
Escape in progress! Bringing missiles online!
Sarah had no time to retrieve her friends and get them to safety; she had to make a break for it.
"Don't worry, guys! I'll find a way to stop this computer creep!"
She shrank down and ran out the door and back into the base. Surgeant began using tractor beams to pick the others up and carry them towards the incinerator.
Sarah ran and ran, she had to think of a way to shut the Surgeant down. Then she had an idea. She made her way to the bases' mainframe as fast as she could, pushing the guard on duty aside, "Sorryfriendsintroublegottagetinthanks!"
The server room was dimly lit and there were computers everywhere, their screens and blinking lights the only thing lighting up the place. In the middle was a central black column that was jet black and had glowing green symbols on it.
"Right, Surgeant, where are you?" she thought aloud.
She began looking at every computer and every file on the walls for the Surgeant whilst stepping over the hundreds of cables littering the floor. As she took a moment to think she rested her hand against the black central column and it lit up, the Surgeants face appearing as a hologram around it.
Intruder in Server Room. Sarah Miller, you will terminated and then arrested for your breach of security.
Sarah could tell that the Surgeant's operating systems were starting to unravel and become unhinged, she had to shut him down now.
"Release, my friends, Surgeant! And Covertron to…if you have the time?" she said sternly.
Surgeant does not take orders, he dishes them. And you know what else he dishes…punishment!
"Okay, I'm gonna pummel you now!"
She began to grow big but all the computer cables suddenly came alive and wrapped her up, preventing her from growing. All she could do was hop up and down.
Ha Ha! Nowhere to run and no way to fight back! You and your friends will soon burn….BURN I SAY!
Sarah could still see and as she hopped around she saw a mop and bucket close by, it seemed T.O.M didn't know where to leave it after mopping the base. As she hopped over to it she distracted the wayward computer.
"Say, Surgeant, so this black column in the middle, that is where you're program is based, not anywhere else?"
Indeed it is.
"Thanks, all I needed to know!"
She fell over and knocked the bucket over, water went everywhere and leaked into the central column.
Program corruption. Error…error…cannot compute…systems melting down…error…error…error…error…error…error….knickers!
The central column went up in a puff of smoke and the hologram of Surgeant turned off. The cables binding Sarah came loose and she freed herself. In the incinerator basement the monsters and aliens were just on the verge of being dumped into the lava when it stopped and the stasis fields deactivated.
A few days later General Monger returned from holiday but was displeased to learn the fate of the Surgeant.
"It was dysfunctional, Sir! It tried to roast us!" Fang defended.
"Yes, Sarah had no choice but to short it out!" said Sqooty.
Covertron snorted, "Whilst I appreciate the save from certain doom I do still believe that the bimbo should spend a few days in solitary…"
Dr Sprocket ran into the alien and knocked him out of his chair. He fell flat on his face and his monocle got jammed into his eye.
"Sorry! My motors are stuck on sprint! I can't stop!" wailed Dr Sprocket as he ran down the corridor.
"Monsters! Aliens! Catch that run away robot!" ordered Monger and everyone took off after Dr Sprocket, running over Covertron in the process.
