Pride and Punishment
"We'll start with some easy questions," Smiley said as a question card appeared in his sleeve. "Of these creatures, only one actually dwells in lava. Is it: A. Fry Guy, B. Flame Guy, C. Fire Chomp, or D. Red Bubble?
Zelda buzzed in, "Red Bubble."
"P2P gets the first point." Smiley glanced at the audience, who nervously began to clap.
"Good job, Zelda," Peach smiled.
"Next question. Mario has been many things in his lifetime. Of the following roles, which has he not donned? A. Villain, B. Sex Symbol…"
"What?" Peach buzzed in. "It has to be B." A dusty wooden hammer suddenly fell on her head. "Ow!"
The crowd let out a simultaneous "Aw."
"Incorrect," Smiley chuckled mildly. "The correct answer was C. Luigi's Sidekick."
"You suck, Smiley!" Daisy's voice was heard.
"Next question. Besides her first game, how many starring roles has Daisy had?"
Morel buzzed in, "Zero."
"Boo!" Daisy shouted as Royal Pain got a point. "You suck too! This whole lousy show sucks!" Suddenly, Daisy began to gag, as if she were choking.
"Thank you, Drow," Smiley nodded. "Next question. How did Princess Peach learn to swordfight so effectively?"
Peach buzzed in. "Baton lessons."
"…Correct?" Smiley questioned, inspecting the card closely. "Bah!" He threw away the card. "Time for the fun questions now. Who was the first person to make Zelda scream in ecstasy?"
"That's personal!" Zelda objected.
"Feel free to say the magic word," Drow chuckled. "Free points for us."
"Fine…" Zelda said through gritted teeth.
Before she could do anything, Drow pressed her buzzer and called out, "Dark Link!"
"Correct," Smiley said as the crowd gasped. Zelda shrank back behind her podium, scowling at Drow.
"It's okay," Peach said, patting her.
"What is one of Peach's guilty pleasures?" Smiley asked.
"Surrender!" Peach shouted instantly.
"The score is now five to two in Royal Pain's favor," Smiley said. "It is said that Peach has peaches in more ways than one. Identify three."
"Zelda?" Peach asked in bewilderment as Morel buzzed in. Zelda quickly whispered something into her ear. "Surrender!"
"Peach, that wasn't worth giving them three points!" Zelda retorted.
"True or false," Smiley continued. "Zelda and Malon have had sexual relations."
Drow called out, "Surrender."
"Huh?" Smiley and Zelda questioned.
"It's no fun if it's no secret," Drow explained.
"I can't agree with that," Smiley said, but he shrugged. "Oh, well. True or false: Morel is a lesbian."
"Obviously true," Zelda buzzed in. A lightning bolt suddenly struck her and she was blackened to the color of ash.
"Incorrect," Smiley said. "She clearly goes both ways. True or false: Peach is a bisexual."
Zelda glanced over at Peach. "Peach, why aren't you buzzing in?"
"I've never really thought about it," she answered. "I…don't know. I am part fungus…"
"What does that have to do with anything?" Zelda asked. She looked over to the clones who also didn't seem to have a clue. "Then I suppose no one knows." All eyes turned to Smiley.
"I was hoping someone would answer that," he said, throwing the card away. "Oh well. What is Peach's biggest turn-on?"
"Surrender!" Peach yelled. "Why are you asking so many M-rated…no, AO-rated questions?"
"Well, we're all adults here, aren't we?" Smiley said.
"Peach, I see what he's doing," Zelda whispered. "He's going to make us surrender the questions so much that the clones will be guaranteed to win. No more surrendering, okay?"
"Do you think I'm only targeting you?" Smiley asked. "Quite mistaken. I can play fair. Here's an audio clip of Morel and Drow during their supposed lovemaking. Is it real, or did I just conjure this up?"
"Hell…" Drow said squeamishly.
"Your status, Geno?" a gruff Death Cap asked, his voice coming through a radio on a transport ship.
"En route to the drop point," Geno said, sitting in the cabin. "Commander, are you sure these are the right coordinates?"
"Affirmative, Geno," the Death Cap replied. "Our satellite uplinks have detected Princess Daisy's presence near the center of Rainbow Road. I've already assigned my regular infantry to infiltrate Mushroom City in secret."
"Then, why do you need me and him?" Geno asked, glancing at the figure in the shadows next to him. "Shouldn't he be feeding us information like he's been doing?"
"The informant insisted on coming along. It's out of our hands. Apparently, that masked freak took someone or something important from him, just like several other missing persons around the world. They're all probably right up there suffering whatever evil that creature has in mind. Add to that, we have reason to believe that both Koopa and Dragmire are headed to that location as we speak. We don't know what they're up to, but you can be sure that it's no good. I'll personally be there in a short while to get rid of that overgrown turtle. We've got a little surprise for him."
"So, our job is to get Daisy, Peach, and Zelda out of there?"
"Daisy is the priority," the Commander said. "Sarasaland will have our butts if something happens to her. I hear that Dragmire wants some sort of magical object from Zelda, so she is to be guarded as well. Peach is non-essential."
"Non-essential? Commander, I don't quite agree with…"
"Over and out," the Commander said brusquely.
"Death Caps…" Geno sighed. He turned to his unexpected partner. "I didn't expect that you would be the informant."
The crowd was stunned silent. Peach was stunned silent as well, though she was blushing. Zelda had a smirk on her face. Drow had sunk behind her podium, while Morel's mouth hung open.
"I think we'll surrender on that one," Drow said quietly.
"Am I really that cruel?" Morel asked no one in particular.
"Apparently so," Smiley chuckled. "The score is now even, with both teams having eight points."
"I'm a monster…" Morel said sullenly.
"This wasn't how it was supposed to be!" Drow said to Smiley through telepathy. "You're supposed to be on our side!"
"And now for something that's really been nagging me," Smiley said. "True or false: Morel and Drow have been getting physically weaker and more fragile."
"True?" Peach said unsurely, bracing herself for pain.
"Correct," Smiley laughed, to which the clones both frowned. "It's been a while since you last fought them."
"You're pushing it, Smiley," Drow warned.
"Can't take a little bit of your own medicine?" Zelda taunted.
"Now, it's time for a physical challenge," Smiley said.
"It's about time," Morel sighed.
"The surrender rules also apply here. One member of each team will select a member of the opposing team. The challenge is to make the opposing member experience an orgasm within the three-minute time limit."
"You sick bastard," Zelda cringed.
"Orgasm…" Peach mulled over the word. "Like…amoebas and phytoplankton?"
"No, those would be organisms," Smiley corrected her. "Of the Kingdom...Protista, if I'm not mistaken. Zelda, would you please enlighten her?"
Zelda whispered into Peach's ear. Peach began to blush. "Oh…Hmm."
"Yes," Smiley said, as his mask turned upside down. "You know what that is now, don't you? You've experienced that before haven't you?"
Peach blushed, but buzzed in and answered, "Yes." The score for Team P2P went up by one.
"Very clever," Smiley said agitatedly, manually turning his mask back into its correct position. "Now, you're two points ahead. The only other rules for this game are that the players must not physically touch one another. Any physical resistance on the part of the victim, be it attacking the seducer, covering her ears, or drowning her out with humming will count as an immediate surrender. Likewise, should the seducer touch the victim, the victim's team will receive three points. Partners are also not allowed to assist. Morel, you have the first pick."
Morel stepped from behind her podium and beckoned Zelda to step out into the center of the stage. Zelda sighed heavily and complied with a frown on her face, folding her arms over her chest.
"Ready," Morel said to Smiley.
"Begin," Smiley said, the lights dimmed, even though they were outside. Somehow, light shined on Zelda and Morel. The clone manifested a small pocket-sized notebook and began to turn through its pages.
"This is actually a romance novel I've been working on," Morel blushed. "I hope you like it."
"Whatever, just get on with it," Zelda shrugged.
"Ahem…"
"A rather impressive being, I must say," Ganondorf said as he and Bowser strolled through the dark halls of Ganondorf's fortress in the Dark World. "Able to manifest matter through sheer will. The ability to reduce the most powerful fairies to pitiful pixie dust. It's no wonder he gave the Wanderer so much trouble."
"He might be more trouble than he's worth," Bowser growled, somewhat impressed by the dreary décor. "He's been playing around too much for my taste. He could have captured Zelda and killed Peach several times by now. I like a good laugh as much as the next guy, but that's ridiculous."
"Is that why you're asking me to come along with you?" Ganondorf smirked. "Think he might be a little tough to take on alone."
"Not quite, Ganny," Bowser replied, with a chuckle. "That imp is powerful, but he's not match for me. What I'm a little worried about is his habit running from a fight. He's a tricky one. I don't want him outsmarting me at the last minute."
"I'll take that as a compliment. Does this also involve the insubordination of the clones?"
"Bingo. We're the only ones who can set them straight. Plus, Zelda and Peach are there. Why not pay them a little visit?"
"I like your style."
"I like yours," Bowser said as he glanced at the large bolted door in front of them.
"One point for Team Royal Pain," Smiley cackled.
"Zelda, are you okay?" Peach asked, seeing the uncomfortable look on Zelda's face.
"She liked it," Morel giggled as she skipped to her podium. "Maybe I can publish it."
"Well done, Dearest," Drow smiled.
"Your turn Drow," Smiley said.
"Go ahead and begin the timer," Drow nodded. "My target will be Peach."
"Careful, Honey," Morel warned. "She's a tough cookie, unless you know what her…"
"Shh!" Smiley said, casting a silence spell on her.
"I'm well aware of her tastes," Drow said, closing her eyes.
Peach looked confused for a moment. As familiar images began to flash through her mind and her heart quickened, she quickly called out, "Surrender!"
"She can't use telepathy!" Zelda objected. "That's cheating."
"I never said you couldn't use your powers," Smiley said, awarding the points. "It's your turn, Zelda."
"Powers are okay, hmm?" Zelda glared, focusing on Morel. Morel suddenly gasped and hunched over. Drow thrust her hand out and Zelda was knocked down.
"Oh, I'm afraid that counts as a surrender," Smiley said.
"You want to take cheap shots?!" Zelda yelled at Drow.
"I could break you where you stand!" Drow retorted.
"It's Peach's turn," Smiley said. "Will it be Drow?"
"I…" Peach began nervously. "I don't know how to make people do that… I don't want to. It's gross."
"Hmph!" Smiley groaned. "Fine. Royal Pain gets three points, putting them two points ahead of you. Now, here come the really tough questions."
"When is this going to end?" Drow asked. "This is getting annoying."
"Who are Morel and Drow really working for?" Smiley asked.
"Surrender," Drow said bitterly.
"Got something to hide?" Smiley asked. When Drow didn't answer, Smiley continued, "Next question. Why have Morel and Drow gotten heavier recently?" Both Morel and Drow glared at him hatefully.
Peach buzzed in. "Because…because they've been working out." A shadow suddenly appeared over her. She leapt out of the way as a glowering Thwomp crashed through the star floor, destroying her podium. "You could've killed me!"
"Incorrect," Smiley said, as his mask began to turn again. "The correct answer is that they are both…"
"Don't you dare…" Morel growled.
"Smiley…"Drow warned.
"Pregnant," Smiley said, breaking into a bout of laughter. "Can you believe it? They're both pregnant! And I seem to be the only one who knows about it besides them and a certain third party. They hide it awfully well, don't they?"
"You mean to tell us," Zelda began skeptically, "we've been fighting two pregnant versions of ourselves?"
"And losing, I might add."
"Is that true?" Peach asked them. Morel and Drow had their sights on Smiley.
"Yes," Morel said.
"Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Smiley cackled. "And here's a question that will beat them all, worth double points."
"I don't like this game anymore," Morel said quietly.
"Of the choices I list," Smiley began insidiously, "what is inside Peach's drawer, often known as '???' or 'XXX?'"
"No…" Peach gasped. "Stop right now!"
"Is it A. Various mediums of pornography?"
"Shut up!" Peach screamed.
"B. A Dildo/Vibrator?"
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Peach shrieked angrily.
"C. An Xbox?"
"No, no, no, no, no!" Peach clutched her face.
"Or bondage gear?"
"Nooooo!" Peach was beginning to give off an increasingly fiery glow. "Surrender!"
"Morel," Smiley said, as her buzzer went off without her doing anything. "Your answer? For the win."
"No, please don't!" Peach shouted, running over to her. "I surrender! You win!"
"Peach," Zelda called out to her. "I understand how you feel about this, but it's not that big a deal."
"No, no, no!" Peach shook her head. "Don't answer, right or wrong! Not here, not like this! Not in front of them!" She glanced out to the crowd, paying particular attention to the Toads. Her heart was struck with fear and she turned back to Morel.
"Peach, I honestly don't know," Morel said. "It's not a question I can answer."
"Good, good, good!" Peach said with an almost crazed smiled.
"Spoil sport," Smiley groaned. "Fine. Royal Pain gets six points for the surrender, and the win."
"Oh, thank you!" Peach sighed, hugging Morel.
"Peach," Zelda grimaced. "You do realize you just surrendered our freedom."
"I don't care!" Peach laughed with joy, nuzzling Morel, who looked uncomfortable. "My secret is safe! Now, no one will ever know! That's all that matters."
"And now for the correct answer," Smiley said. Peach's smiled dropped and her heart stopped. "The correct answer was C. An Xbox, along with Halo: Combat Evolved."
Zelda was surprised to see the Mushroom World races in complete shock. Some of them seemed to be in disbelief. Others were muttering less than confident comments about her. Even Daisy seemed to be surprised at the newfound fact.
"She plays it habitually," Smiley added, as Peach let go of Morel. "Quite skilled at it. She loves gunning down those aliens. I even hear that she played a part as a voice actress. Oh, what's this?"
Peach turned around with a deadly serious face full of nothing but hate and anger. She wiped the small stream of tears coming out of her eyes. The Shining Star appeared above her and turned red. Morel and Drow moved away as an aura of fire overtook Peach. "You fiend! You just made a big mistake! I'll make you wish you never existed!"
