They say we don't fit together
I could do better
There's always something
They don't know the hell we've been through
'Cause when you hold me like you do
That's when I wanna change nothing
Jessica Sanchez - Change Nothing
He smirks and opens the door to let me inside. "I can't believe you'd do that," I move to the living room, putting some distance between us. "Anything I would have said to her would have made me sound even more like a crazy person than what you said. How could you?"
He glances up at me from where he is chewing on his thumb. "Come on, Sugar," he extends his hands at his sides. "I couldn't let you go. I couldn't make you stay," he shrugs. "I had to make you realize what I already knew," he pauses, gesturing between us. "We need each other."
"I don't need you, Jack, I need freedom," I clasp my hands in front of myself. "Why can't you understand that?"
"Understand it? Sugar, that's what I'm trying to give you," he sits down on the back of the sofa with his feet on the seat, leaning forward. "Absolute freedom. Real freedom. From what they expect you to do. These-" he makes air quotations. "-normal people. The reason you feel you need to leave? This so called right-and-wrong? It varies so much person to person," he throws his hands up. "It doesn't even exist. You love me, Sugar," he glares at me smugly.
He catches me off guard. "That... doesn't matter," I shake my head.
"Of course it does," he stands and takes a step towards me. "It's all that matters," he picks up a strand of my hair and plays with it in his fingers. "You and me, Sugar."
I feel my resolve wear down slightly, but as soon as I notice, I straighten myself and pull my hair from his hand, tossing it over my shoulder. "No, Jack," I sigh. "Other people matter, too."
He curls his upper lip into a sneer. "Not to me," he stalks away into the kitchen and starts a pot of coffee. "And not really to you, either, if you really want to look at things," he speaks with his back to me. I sit down on the windowsill and look out at the misty, October night. "I mean, you could have told her the truth, hmm? Did you even try?" He glances over his shoulder at me and I narrow my eyes at him. "That's what I thought. No, if your sister matters to you like I do, you would have at least tried. You chose me over her just like she chose her family over you," I focus my gaze out the window, pretending not to be listening. He sees through it, as he continues to talk. "You could have gone anywhere, too," he reminds me. "You didn't have to come back here."
I finally speak up. "Where could I go? Hallie's was my only option."
He tuts at me and turns to lean on the counter while the coffee brews, wiping his wet hands on his dirty wife-beater before leveling a finger at me. "You work at a hotel, Sugar, or have you forgotten?" He raises his brow again, smug expression ever-present on his face. "And any one of those people you work with would take you in in a heartbeat if you asked them to," he pauses. "Did you?" I don't reply. "Two weeks," he shoves himself away from the counter, rubbing his hands together on his way to get a mug. "Two weeks you were gone. You look for an excuse to come back the whole time?" He smirks sideways at me through his hair.
"Fuck this," I hurl myself from the windowsill and towards the hallway. "I'm getting a bath."
Just as I make it to the hallway, Jack grabs me and shoves me back against the wall, blocking the hallway with his right arm and pointing his left index finger in my face. "I don't think so," he grinds out. "Not after last time. Forget it," he is shaking his head at me.
I relax and put my hands up defensively. "Can't let hygiene fall to the wayside," I say with forced levity. "Take the razors out. Do what you have to do. I'm freezing from the rain. I need to warm up."
He nods and walks past me into the bathroom. I expect to see him a moment later with the razors, but he doesn't come out. There isn't even any rustling to indicate that he's looking for them. After a minute, I step into the doorway. He is sitting on the closed lid of the toilet with his arms crossed, bouncing his knees. "Go ahead," he gestures to the tub.
I shake my head. "You've got to be kidding me," I laugh without humor. "Jack, I don't need supervision."
"It's the only way it's happening, Sugar," he replies resolutely.
I sigh in frustration. "Run the water," I relent and leave the room to get a change of clothes and a towel.
I hear the water start up a moment later while I am changing out of my clothes into my robe. It feels awkward when I walk back into the bathroom. Jack is sitting there staring at the floor. I walk past him and step into the tub, not yet removing my robe. I pull the curtain across dramatically before I do so, tossing the robe over the top of the curtain rod before relaxing into the warm water. The warm scent of vanilla fills the air, and my heart breaks a little when I realize Jack put my bath oil in the water.
"Nothing I haven't seen before, Kayl," Jack calls out, his voice laced with amusement.
"I want privacy," I answer simply. "That's half the point of a bath."
He doesn't say anything back. The warm water is heavenly, I lean back and stretch my legs out, crossing them at the ankles over the faucet. I pull the curtain away just enough that I can see Jack's face. His eyes are on my legs, where the curtain isn't quite closed all the way on the other side, either.
"You okay, Jack?" I ask sincerely. He jolts at the sound of my voice, eyes meeting mine instantly and he nods. "Really?
"Really?" He repeats, brows high, and it's my turn to nod. "What does 'okay' even mean?" He sighs. "I don't know what I am, Sugar. There's only been one thing I've been sure of these past eight months," his eyes widen and he shakes his head, as if the time passed had only just occurred to him. "I know I fucked up," he doesn't look at me. "I'm fucked up," he corrects himself. "Hell, I'm all but lost with you here... You go?" He slices through the air with his hand. "That's it for me. No more Jack," he shakes his head slowly. "Not like I am. Definitely not like I was," he brings his eyes to mine again. "I'll just be total chaos without you."
"Jack - " I begin, only to be gently cut off by him.
"And, I know you don't wanna hear it," he shakes his head, looking away from me again. "And I know you don't care, but I love you, Sugar," he presses his closed fingers into his chest. "That's not going away."
Silence fills the room when he finishes. His eyes focused on the floor between his feet, mine tracing the patterns on the shower curtain. After a few minutes, Jack stands and leaves the room, not shutting the door behind him. I hear him in the kitchen, and then I hear his desk chair creak as he sits down in it. I pass the rest of my bath in silence, alone with my thoughts.
What is there to do at this point? I'm in a constant battle with myself over which is worse, being without Jack altogether, or being with the person who would kill people out of revenge and hurt me out of anger. I know, logically, that I should run. Run as far and as fast as I can. But the truth is, I am so deep in it now that I don't know if I really want to. I don't want any of the possibilities. I want the great impossibility. I want to go back and be with my Jack. Only I can't do that. I can't be on my own, either. Danger be damned, I don't care about that anymore. If I get killed, what am I really losing, anyway? What I fear from being on my own is a frail, curly-haired blonde woman with a husky voice and tortured memories, not death. I fear becoming Beverly Napier. Alone and lost, without Jack. Without any real purpose.
As the water starts growing cold, I pull the stopper from the drain and stand. I dry quickly and put my robe back on, not bothering to dress in the pajamas I had picked out. I run my fingers through my wet hair and walk out into the living room. Jack is at his desk with his back to me, I hear the tapping of his pen on top of the paper, not a random tapping, but like he is counting something. I clear my throat. The tapping stops and he turns in his seat, looking at me with a puzzled expression on his face.
"I love you, too, Jack," as if on cue, the tears start. "I'm not going anywhere," I promise him. "I can't leave, anyway," I sobbed. "I know I have to, but I can't. I don't know how. I've forgotten how to be alone. How to be without you. I'm not a whole person anymore, Jack. I'm just a part of you."
He stands and crosses the room, reaching me in three long strides. He squeezes my shoulder gently with one hand, while trailing the fingers of the other one alone my wet hairline. "You're everything," he whispers, and I barely hear him. He presses his lips to my forehead and breathes me in, and I hate myself for how much I relish the feeling. I bring one hand up to caress the back of his arm, pulling him towards me. He doesn't need much coaxing, and soon his body is flush against mine, his arms holding me to him in a tight hug. We stay like that for a while, and the fit is so perfect, I almost groan when he pulls away. When he does, he tilts my head upwards and leans down, bringing our lips together for the first time in weeks.
The spark is instant, and we both feel it. The kiss is desperate, frantic and shameless. Despite everything that's happened, and despite everything he's done, I decide that right then, at that particular moment, none of it matters. It's a big risk, taking a page from Jack's book like this, but it's the only way for me to live right now. As though none of it matters. Just me and Jack.
...
"Don't go," Jack groans from the bed the following evening as I'm getting ready for work. I peer at him from the mirror as I hook an earring into my ear. "I just got you back. Take the night off."
I sigh. "Jack, if I call in again, I lose my job," I tell him. "I've missed too much time as it is. Are you not working?"
He shakes his head. "Not tonight."
I turn to face him, leaning back against the dresser. "I'll be back," I nod.
"Yeah," he sits up and stretches his arms above his head, the sheet falling away from his lean torso. My eyes dart to the scar on his chest and back up again.
"Why no work tonight?" I turn back to the mirror to finish getting ready.
He stands from the bed, pushing a hand through his messy hair. "It's not steady. I go in when I'm needed. Something could come up, but I doubt it. Thursday, there's a game. Until then, I'll just work on stuff here."
"For Halloween?" I ask.
He smirks, as though enjoying a private joke. "Yeah. Halloween," he confirms. "You'll have to come check it out," he taps my arm with the back of his hand. "It's going to be, uh, quite the spect-a-cle. It'll be fun. Dress up, go out, you and me. I've got a surprise for ya."
"I don't know, Jack," I look over at him. "That's this weekend?" He nods. "I work, I'm already on thin ice with Ern," I sigh. "I don't have a costume or anything."
"Don't worry about that," he waves his hand dismissively. "You talk to Ern tonight, I'll figure out a costume."
I raise an eyebrow at him. "You want me to let you pick out what I'll be wearing?" He winks. "Yeah, right!" I laugh.
"I'll be good," he says. "Just talk to Ern."
I shake my head. "Fine," I relent. "I'll see what I can do, but no promises."
"That's all I ask," he grins, leaning down for a kiss. I give him one, and then push myself past him.
"I have to get going," I glance at the clock. "I'll see you later."
Jack walks with me down the hallway, turning towards his desk as I head for the door. "I'll be waiting, Sugar."
...
"God, Kaylie," Ern's face is sad and disappointed. "You went back? After...? "
My eyes dart nervously around the storage room, trying to find something to focus on. Ultimately, they land back on Ern's and I shrug. "Hallie wouldn't let me stay," I mumble, quietly, and the excuse sounds pathetic to my own ears.
"What? So, what? We'll put you up here, Kaylie, you don't have to go back to him," he offers. "I know there's empty rooms."
I shake my head. "We're going to give it another try," I force optimism into my voice. "He's getting help," I lie. "We've both been to Hell and back. We need one another."
"And if he kills you?" Ern barks.
"You'll find another singer," I smirk. Ern doesn't appreciate my attempt to lighten the mood. "Come on, Ern. I'm sorry, but this isn't your decision."
His nostrils flare and I can tell he is fuming. "You're right. It isn't," he relents. "Scheduling is, though," there is victory in his tone. "And you're working this weekend. You're either here or you're fired," he brushes past me on his way out of the room. I don't turn right away to follow him. "This doesn't change anything, Kay-Kay," I hear the sincerity in his voice. "You need somewhere to go, I've got you."
...
Jack is at his desk when I return to the apartment after work, scratching away in his notebook. He turns and smiles when he hears the door open, but it turns to a frown when he sees the disappointment on my face. "What's wrong, Sugar?"
I toss my bag and keys to the island and shrug out of my coat, hanging it on the back of a chair. "I can't get out of work this weekend," I explain. "Ern needs me."
Jack sighs heavily. "He needs you, does he?" He sneers. "I know for a fact he hires a DJ on Halloween, so he doesn't need you to sing," he stands. "He has more wait staff and bartenders than he should ever need," he walks to the island and leans across it, leveling his gaze at me. "Why does he need you," he points at me. "Specifically?"
I feel myself growing irritated. "Why are you getting mad at me, specifically, Jack?" I mimic. "He's my boss, who has been incredibly patient in putting up with my absence lately. I can't just dictate my schedule to him," I sigh. "We had such a good day, Jack. Let's not do this," I hold my hand out to him. "Please?"
He takes my hand and gingerly kisses my fingers. "You're right," he narrows his eyes in amusement and tugs me around the island to him. "But, I already got you a costume," he teases. "Goes perfectly with mine."
"Really?" I'm skeptical. "I don't even know what you're going to be."
He shakes his head. "No, that's a surprise," he breezes. "Yours, though, that one you can see," he nods towards the bedroom. "C'mon."
He leads me down the hall and I see the purple and green dress I wore the night he came to watch me sing, which he has hung outside the closet door. "Jack, that's not a costume, it's a dress."
He chuckles. "Nah, Sugar, it's a dress until you add these," he starts rifling through a plastic bag and pulls out a cheap set of green fairy wings, a purple and green tiara, and a green wand.
I raise my eyebrows at him. "Seriously? A fairy princess? What am I, twelve?" I laugh.
He returns the laugh and shrugs. "So, I like you in the dress, what can I say."
I stop laughing, realizing how normal this feels. Wanting to keep it that way, I continue. "So, what are you going as, a fairy prince?" I poke him, earning another laugh. "No, no, no... I know... A frog!" I giggle. Jack glares at me, humorously.
"When I said the costumes went together, I meant the colours, Sugar," he explains.
"Ahhh, I see," I nod. "So, what are you going to be?" I push. He looks at me, determined to keep his secret. "Come on, Wild Card," I bat my eyelashes at him exaggeratedly. "I won't get to see it. Please?"
He sighs, finally nodding in agreement. "Alright, alright, I'll tell ya," he clears his throat and reaches between us into the front pocket of his shirt. "I've got a guy making me a nice, purple suit, and I picked up some facepaint," he jerks his head towards the bag on the bed. Found this in one of the decks after a game," he holds a playing card out to me. I take it in my hand and look at him, confused, before turning it around.
On the face of the card, grinning up from my hand, is a purple and green figure with a bright red smile and blacked out eyes. I look up at Jack who is grinning to match the card, and though I know I should find it amusing, I only find it unsettling. I swallow the feeling and force a smile. "You're going as a Joker?"
"The Wild Card," he clarifies, his own smile fading, his face growing serious. "Just like you always said."
...
A/N - I am so, so sorry for the long wait for an update. To anyone who doesn't already know, I lost a close friend last year and just haven't been able to write this story. I've been giving it some attention lately, though, and thought I would give you guys a little something. This chapter is pretty tame compared to some of the previous ones, but the chapters to come are going to blow any before them out of the water. I have the last few chapters mapped out and there should be more regular updates now. Thanks so much to anyone still reading, reviewing, faving and following. That you guys have stuck with me despite the lack of updates means a lot. Cheers!
