When I open my eyes again, I'm surprised at how late it's surely become by now, and all the little sounds in my house have entirely silenced…the only thing I hear is soft breathing that isn't mine, and I feel my heart lurch as I realize Inuyasha is asleep beside me. I find myself wondering why I can't get used to that, even after all this time. My curtains are still open from the day, pouring in the silvery light of the moon outside, helping my eyes to adjust.
I exhale carefully, propping my arms up to peer over his figure, trying to not awaken him. Ah…it's past 2AM! That's so much later than I'd thought…!
I lay back down, staring at his peaceful expression. Since the day Kikyou had given me her sign…I don't think he'd slept, since he was too busy making sure I never acted on it by myself. I feel a pang of guilt at the thought of getting up and making my move now, the one time his guard is down…but was I even capable of something like that? Pff, he'd know. He'd wake up immediately, and stop me.
Yet, how could I do that to him…after the time we'd just spent before falling asleep, after those words he'd shared with me? After everything he admitted…after shedding those tears…he'd never held me as hard, as tightly in his arms in those moments after, than he ever had before…
I roll over slightly to stare at my ceiling, watching it blur into nothing in front of my dazed eyes, unable to breathe, my chest feels so tight. A hot tear slips down my cheek, startling me, and I think I understand.
Inuyasha isn't going to live in this world of mine. He can't. Modernized or not, this…this isn't where we belong…wasn't that why I fell into the well and crossed over to his time in the first place? My fate…my fate lies over there! Not here!
I sit up, rubbing my arm across my face, trying my best to not let him catch onto even the tiniest hint at my withheld crying sounds. I suppress my trembling with all my might, using all the strength I've got reserved in my tiny body, wondering how I'll even get up without waking him in the first place…he's such an incredibly light sleeper…
I try to not gasp as I feel him suddenly reach up and pull me into his arms, forcibly burying my face into his chest.
"Don't go," He murmurs sleepily, not even opening his eyes, sounding so vulnerable and so…so…
My eyes threaten to fill up with tears again. "Inuyasha," Is all I can manage to whisper out, feeling like he's choking me – or like my own conflicting emotions are what's caught in my throat…
"I-I…I was just going to the bathroom…" I lie, as he lets me go, still clearly not awake…and a little part of me, no, my entire soul wishes he hadn't believed me. I hate this. Oh, God, do I hate this. I hate every second that has passed since I knew I had to make this decision.
I get up and crawl out of the bed, throwing on a cardigan that had been draped over my desk chair, freezing now that we're not sharing the same blanket anymore. I grab the bow and quiver of arrows that was leaning against my wall, hiking them over my shoulder and drowning out their noise with the creaking sound of opening the bedroom door. I try to keep my mind absolutely blank as I sneak down the stairs, not thinking of my destiny up until this point. Not thinking of how hurt he's going to be. Selfishly…forcing my heart to think of nothing but myself and my upcoming mission…
A mission? Is that what I'm going to call it? My impending betrayal is a better suited term. But I'd long accepted…I had to do this alone, or else the whole plan to get back would fail. Kikyou needed me to understand that a long time ago. Back when Inuyasha and I crossed the well for the first time since this whole mess happened.
I hold the old scar beneath the right side of my ribcage, where the shikon no tama had been torn out of me in the first place. It seems to throb all of a sudden, even so long after it's healed…I wince and try to ignore its ominous aching as I slide on my loafers by the door, successfully exiting my house without my guardian for the first time in nearly a month. I shiver, only wearing this thin sweater, and a gauzy shirt-dress beneath it.
I feel a heavy sadness nearly break my bones as I see Kikyou is right outside the enclosed well, waiting for me. Just like before, she seems like her physical figure is just falling apart at the seams…fading into nothing; truly an apparition on the verge of leaving this world.
"Kikyou…" I greet her carefully, my voice betraying how I'm fighting the urge to cry. "…How is it that you're going to help me?"
She raises her eyebrows a little, making painstakingly calm eye contact for a while, then she looks right past my head, noticing something before I do. I hear my window slide open hard – it's so incredibly loud in this humming silence of the middle of the night, almost like an explosion – and my heart collapses with anxiety.
"Kagome!" I hear Inuyasha's voice utter furiously.
I stare over my shoulder in panic as he leaps down out of my bedroom and races over here, nearly tackling me within seconds. I try to wrestle him off, but I'm far too weak to fight an enraged half-demon, especially with my guilt of getting caught. He shoves my back against the wooden walls of the shrine, knocking half the air out of me, and he ignores the little choking cry I let out at the impact.
"What the fuck is this?" He seethes, his long fingernails digging into my skin. I cry out, but he just holds on harder. "Tell me what the FUCK is going on! I thought we understood! I thought you were on the same page as me!" He grabs my quiver off my back and slams it down onto the ground, nearly in the same moment he snatches the bow out of my hands. He stares at it for a moment, then finally acknowledges Kikyou, right beside me now. He stares at her…nowhere near akin to how one would look at a former lover. He looks at her, full of disgust. He tosses it to her, and she catches it, but falters a little with its weight, and his forcefulness.
I cry silently from how rough he is with me, watching him glare at her fiercely for a very long time, not saying a word. Kikyou just gazes back serenely, but in his eyes, I know she is not blameless.
"Did you set Kagome up for this?" Is the first thing he finally asks, practically spitting fire.
She doesn't reply. I am shocked she chooses to cover for me.
"How are you involved?" He insists, still not letting go of my wrists, but turning to face her a bit more. Has he forgotten about her sign, and that whole ordeal?! Has he forgotten my life is the only one not bound to hers, and that's why no one else can help me? I am too ashamed to keep watching, but I can't tear my eyes away.
He had fallen in love with me so deeply since we reunited, he didn't even think Kikyou had anything to do with us returning to his time anymore…I wish I knew why that hurt my feelings so bad, when Kikyou was the one being denied – not me…
I gasp as she reaches for his arms, trying to gently pull him off of me. I see his face go from enraged to whitewashed with horror, because her hands hold onto him firmly – but when he snatches his arm away, it seems to just pass through her, like thin air. My memory flashes back to when I grabbed her wrist in the hallway at school, expecting the same thing to happen, but instead, I had truly held on to something solid…
What did this mean?
Her normally neutral expression contorts with the pain of rejection. I swear, I see her silhouette flicker. I remember that her love for him is the only thing keeping her soul in this world in the first place…and I cry harder, unable to keep watching this scene unfold.
"Inuyasha, please," I sob, crying so hard I can't even see. "Please…I didn't want to do this…I didn't want to go behind your back, but you know, in some ways, you forced me to," I buckle to my knees on the ground, losing all the strength in my body for how insanely disgusted with myself I feel.
"You cried the same way earlier when I said almost the same thing to you," He snarls at me, but he sounds infinitely times more hurt than angry. He shakes me in desperation, and I just cry harder. "Kagome!"
"Inuyasha," Kikyou interrupts unexpectedly, making us both go quiet. "You are being abhorrently selfish. Do you not realize this?"
"It's selfish to expect Kagome to go kill Naraku all on her own," He snaps back, and I'm shocked he can be so cold to her.
"Who said she was alone?" Kikyou replies, suddenly losing that stern edge, her tone turning soft once more. Is that on my behalf…or his?
He seems stunned, his quick tongue robbed of him. I think he realizes now, if he keeps being so hateful towards her she really might disappear for good, along with the jewel she holds; and if that happened, we were stuck here forever…
His lip curls in aversion and he finally lets go of me. I bring my arms up to hug myself, incapable of being upset for what I did to him. I'd deserved this.
"I was going to do it for you, Inuyasha," I whisper sadly. "For you and I…"
He gets up and takes a few steps away, grasping onto his face in frustration. He shakes with the effort of controlling himself, and then comes back over to kneel in front of me with a fierce sigh. "I get that," He mutters. "But you can do whatever you'd like to try and shake me off of you, it won't work. I told you that already."
"But don't you remember what Kikyou said? If anyone besides me goes over to the other world before Naraku's jewel is destroyed, she'll…she'll…"
His ears flatten and he stares at her from the corners of his eyes. They flash amber in the dark, and I wonder what's going through his head.
"I know," He says, suddenly sounding very sorrowful.
So he's accepted her life will essentially end anyways – how unlike the old days. I'm out of tears at this point, but I feel so awful that it has to be this way.
"I died the day I kept all of you alive, it appears you've forgotten," Kikyou talks again, now appearing to be somewhat irritated with the two of us. "I chose to give you all my light to defeat Naraku in my stead. But Inuyasha, if Kagome is truly myself reincarnated, then—"
"You're not taking her with you," He growls. "That's like asking her to commit suicide! So who's really the selfish one?!"
Kikyou seems taken aback…I suppose she'd never thought of it that way.
"We are all selfish, Inuyasha," She finally responds, the chilled-over fire in her voice quite a surprise. "It is selfish of me to take Kagome from you, and it is selfish of you to stop her from enacting her own free will. It is selfish of Kagome to act alone without heeding your requests, yet most of all, we are all indeed selfish, for thinking this can all go exactly according to how we'd like it to."
Inuyasha seems to have been shut up, and I can tell he resents it horribly. Yet he does not fight back, recognizing everyone's human error is shared equally among us.
"Kagome and I's combined spiritual power is what is necessary to defeat Naraku," Kikyou continues softly, turning away. "I have thought it through and through. The chances of us two alone succeeding are very high. And if there is interference…and the rest of my hours are cut short…we will fail."
He back away momentarily. I wonder what he is going to do – his countenance is that of a cornered predator, ready to lash out. Would he fight? Would he flee? Knowing Inuyasha…he'd…-
"Well we'll have to work within those limits, then," He snarls, and now Kikyou is the one looking cornered. I sigh, staring at the ground. How predictable, really.
He forces open the door to the well, and stares at us expectantly as we just look on in disbelief. "Well? Are you two coming or what? It's not like ya'll were just saying we can't kick Naraku's ass without the two of you."
Kikyou and I exchange a look, and I wonder now if she is convinced anymore he's changed in any way since the original incident passed. I almost want to laugh at the idea we are sharing a moment over our exasperation with him. Who'd have thought.
We tentatively follow him, and jump into the well with ease.
The moment we materialize on the other side, Kikyou starts to cough, sounding really sick. She really wasn't kidding, I think, sadly. Inuyasha and I exchange a concerned glance, briefly forgetting our fight, and I help her stand up. He hoists the both of us back onto his shoulders and leaps out, immediately covering his face with his arm, since the air is seeping with miasma and evil intentions.
"We've barely made it in time," Kikyou manages to gasp out. "His way of meddling with your true feelings has worked, and made him…stronger."
"Give me your jewel," I plead her, realizing with those words, we needed to hurry. All of our self-doubt and hesitation has led to this, and it was on me to fix it.
She stares into my eyes with very mixed emotions, starting to reach for where it is underneath her shirt, but wavers.
"It's ok that you don't want to let go yet," I tell her, having to raise my voice over the sound of the wind starting to howl. Her eyes widen as she takes in my words, like no one had ever given her permission to feel this way before, and yet again, how ironic it is from me. The wind picks up even faster, and I scream in surprise as I hear the splintering, jarring sound of wood crashing and burning. To our left, the bone-eater's well disintegrates with an explosive boom, sending out tiny splinters everywhere. Inuyasha barely manages to cover us…lucky him, his skin is thick enough to not really be bothered. One of the larger splinters grazes my cheek, and I wince, holding a hand to it.
"You dare return, after you all were so…graciously, allowed to live?" Our ears perk up upon hearing that disgusting, demonic voice from not too far off.
"Naraku…!" Inuyasha shouts furiously. He reaches for where his tetsusaiga would be, then bites his lip with a soft "damn it" when he realizes it's still missing.
"Kagome…" Kikyou whispers out hoarsely. I look down to where she's crouched on one knee, and I feel my heart flood with fear as I realize her eyes are filled with tears, yet she's not letting herself cry. "Come down here. For…a moment."
I bend down willingly, nodding for her to go on.
"Listen carefully. I'll give you my jewel…but therein is a problem to our plan. It will…" She coughs, and panic overwhelms me when I see she's coughed up a tinge of blood into the grass. "…all sort itself out...though."
"Tell me what I have to do," I whisper to her encouragingly, reaching out to wipe away a little drop of her blood off her lip with my thumb. I owe her my life. Seeing her in such a state now had me feeling so sorry, I couldn't resist giving her all my gentleness. Inuyasha was staring at us with such strong emotion, I couldn't even begin to decipher what he was possibly feeling, seeing us like this.
"…You're going to have to die, Kagome."
"WHAT?!" Inuyasha screams, and Naraku, not too far off, is laughing.
"My jewel…and the last of my light…will restore you, so do not worry. Naraku has placed a curse…on this jewel, sure…yet so have I. It cannot fail. It…will not."
"How can we be so sure of that if we all died once already?!" Inuyasha kept shouting his head off, looking like he was going to absolutely lose his mind. It seems like he can barely restrain himself from attacking her, with his bared fangs and claws and whatnot…
Kikyou starts to reply, but it's obviously hard. "You have to…"
"—Believe me," I finish for her. He stares back at me like I'm a total lunatic.
"You are NOT dying today, or any time soon," He practically roars. "Why do you think I fought so hard to keep you away anyway, if this is where we're at now?!"
"We're PAST that point now, Inuyasha, can't you see?!" I screech back at him, standing back up with all the power in my legs, getting all in his face. "Kikyou managed to send her literal SPIRIT over here even when she's already dead, so if I die in exchange for her and she promises it's going to be ok, what else can we trust if we want to go back to our homes?!"
The air feels like a tornado on fire now, it's so hard to breathe. Our negative, conflicted emotions clashing with one another were only adding fuel to the flames.
To my horror, Inuyasha is now on the verge of tears, too. The sky turns from purple to reddened-black. "I can't lose you, Kagome," He is shouting, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me.
"You won't," I yell back, over the howling wind. I feel a tear fall down my own cheek, terrified, yet accepting my fate anyway. "I promise."
I glance down at Kikyou, who looks like she may have been crying, but has been out of tears for centuries. She has a sad frown on her face as she hands me her jewel – the "fake" one; the offshoot of the original. It burns in my palms, and I cry out somewhat at the scalding sensation of it.
"At least say goodbye to her," I plead with him, seeing the ever-painful appearance on her face grow stronger. "She saved our lives. I'll be back. But she won't."
I think I know somewhere in my heart, if Inuyasha doesn't acknowledge her, her spell won't work. Because her love for him was all that kept her spirit going in the first place. From the very first day I'd encountered her in the hallways, to the time everyone else could pass through her like a ghost, yet I was able to touch her solid form – I just knew. I just knew it couldn't be any other way. And it makes sense…
I think we all knew, and were too scared to say it.
He lets go of me, looking inches within his life now. A shadow crosses over his features and he seems to fall to his haunches, leaning before her.
"Kikyou…" is all he manages to say, having not spoken to her in so long.
She looks at him with a cold fire in her gaze – a burning, painful love that's hurting her so much, it's nearly killing her.
Her soul needs to find peace, I think sadly, hoping he can find the right words. The jewel in my hand feels like it keeps growing hotter, and I know we are running ever-short on time with each second passing.
To our surprise, she collapses in his arms, sobbing.
"This is all I can give you," She manages to gasp out, seeming very ill now. "Your friends and you will live on…"
"I don't think I could ask for more, then," He says, embracing her hard. I start to cry for real now. This was so, so sad. "…Kikyou…you've done more than enough for me…"
"Have I?" She whispers out.
His pain-filled expression contorts even more. "Yes," He says, and kisses her forehead. "I know you've felt all along your sacrifice was in vain. But it's not. I can keep your love alive forever, thanks to what you've done."
A final tear falls from her eyes and she has the slightest semblance of a smile on her beautiful face, and then her form vanishes.
The jewel grows even hotter, but I can hardly notice it for how hard I'm crying over Kikyou being gone so suddenly now. The sparkles from her disappeared form seem to emanate towards and from the jewel I'm holding, and I hold it to my heart with both hands, feeling the temperature enter my body now through my chest.
"At least let me hold you while you have to do…this," Inuyasha mutters. We are both blasted with a strong buffet of wind, squinting our eyes shut tight as the dust and heat stings them.
"Okay," I barely manage to whisper out, reaching for an arrow from Kikyou's fallen quiver. Somehow, the motions seem prescribed, as though something beyond me is carrying them out – I realize now it is Kikyou herself, the last of her light moving through me, through the jewel, back and forth, summoning me to do the right thing, and banish this goddamn jewel along with Naraku forever.
I hold it towards my heart.
"Wait a minute," I hear Naraku shouting in a voice full of doom, from far away. "How will you manage to ever get anyone back here with suicide? You fool-!"
I plunge the arrow straight through the jewel into my chest. What a joke, this is exactly how I broke it, over five hundred years ago.
It shatters through the beautiful gem, and I watch it impale through the front of my shirt, through my ribcage, and I gasp for breath, never having felt a pain as intense as this. I feel Inuyasha shaking violently behind me, supporting me as I fall down to the ground.
"You STUPID wench," Naraku is bellowing from the distance.
I watch my blood drip through my shirt in huge, thick drops. Inuyasha's face is buried between my neck and shoulder, and I don't know if he's just trembling, or crying for real; I can't hear or tell over the deafening sounds of fire crashing all around us.
I feel sick to my stomach. This is it. This is me, plunging my incarnation's arrow through myself, dying in order to live. This is it. This is really it…
"We're going to make it," I murmur softly to Inuyasha, feeling my vision get hot and bright, then start to fade into grey, then black…
"Kagome," He's gasping out desperately, as I feel my body totally drop through an eternity's worth of time and space, my soul dropping to the end of the galaxy with the same sound of a crystal gem falling onto a marble floor, then shattering, then…
Disappearing.
