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Spectre

-Present day-

The Black of space. Pieces of the Normandy all around. She is struggling. She is flying through space, no oxygen, she can't breath. One thought running through her head. Kaidan. Shepard sits up in bed gulping in air. She is sweating and her heart is racing.

"Commander, are you alright?" EDI's blue head lights up the room.

"Yes EDI I am alright." Liar she thinks. "EDI do you monitor my room?"

"Yes Commander."

"Would you stop doing that please?"

"If you allow me to monitor your life signs I believe I can cut the audio and video feeds and still be within the parameters on my monitoring your well being. Would that be acceptable?"

"Yes that would be okay I guess." She would take what she could get. They probably had other surveillance devices all around the cabin anyway. There wasn't anything happening here so who cared.

"Commander, do you need the doctor?" EDI asked.

Shepard willed her heart to slow down. "No EDI I just had a bad dream, it will pass." she tells it. 'This too will pass' her Gram had always told her. "Thank you. That will be all EDI."

"Logging you off, Commander."

She got up out of bed. She needed a robe, she added it to the shopping list in her head. Its a good thing they gave her some credits, she needed to replace some things to bring some order to her life. She went to the sterile bathroom, again too bright and shiny. She splashed cold water on her face, turning away as she saw her reflection in the mirror that's not me. How long am I going to feel like a stranger in my own body?

She pulled on one of the stupid colonial outfit she had to wear longing for her ACUs. Plain clothing was on her list of things to pick up. Maybe she could find a cup of tea somewhere on this ship. She probably won't be able to find any tea to buy from earth on the Citadel that she could afford. Of course all her tea supplies went down with her life on the original Normandy. That tea Kaidan had given her would have been just perfect for a night like tonight. Now you stop that she tells herself the world does not revolve around Kaidan Alenko! She shakes her head. Yes, it does her heart tells her.

She turns to look at the frame that holds his picture as she passes the desk for the cabin door. She doesn't see him, the frame is dark because the holo doesn't activate unless she approaches it. She continues to the door and exits the cabin. Taking the elevator down to the mess she approaches the cabinets that store the food for the ship. She looks through them all, but can't find anything that even remotely resembles tea. She would have to ask Rupert if he had anything. She took a glass of water instead as she couldn't find any milk to reconstitute either.

She goes back up to her room and grabs the four dossiers TIM has giving her. She is still hoping that when she gets to the Citadel the Alliance and Council will come through, but considering her record with them she knows she will probably be disappointed. It's a false hope, she has a couple of them these days. She goes back down to the crew deck and enters the port observation deck. The window is overly large but EDI assures her there are shields that can be put in place if needed.

She sits on the couch and looks out the onto the void. After what happened you would think I would nerver want to look at space again she thought. Watching the stars comforted her though, it was another constant from an earlier time, her youth. On the ships her parents were assigned to, she would always be hanging out by a port staring into space, when she wasn't bugging the crew to teach her things. She always knew she would join the Alliance and she wanted to know everything she could before she got there. Young Shepard was a little sponge soaking up all they would give her and then some. She shook her head again, no use looking into the past.

She pulled out the dossier for Mordin Solis, Scientist. Miranda had suggested going after him first because he could help find a way to combat those flying swarms that Veetor showed them on Freedom's Progress. She leaned back on the arm of the couch and put her feet up so she could relax and read the dossier.

"Commander, we're fifteen minutes out from docking at the Citadel" Joker's voice Sounded over her comm snapping her awake.

"Alright Joker I will be right there." She must have fallen asleep. She sat up and looked at the pile of data pads now on the floor. Well at least she got some sleep, and no dreams thank goodness. She picked up the data pads and headed upstairs to get her armor on.


Well, at least that was over. No reports and she was a Spectre again. It wasn't perfect, but it would do. The only thing that bothered her was that she still couldn't find Kaidan. Anderson told her he had been promoted. He would outrank her now if they would let her reenlist. If she ever saw him again that is. Anderson wouldn't tell her where he was because of Cerberus. Not being able to get any information out of anybody reference him was really starting to get on her nerves. It's like the universe was fucking with her.

She stopped in the new bar and was able to pick up a bottle of Brandy for the doctor and now she was on her way to pick up the provisions for Rupert. She couldn't find any tea that she liked though and that was a disappointment. She found a robe and some shorts and tops to sleep in. It wasn't earth cotton, but cotton grown on a colonial world, it was cheaper and it would do well enough. She wasn't able to find any casual wear that was comfortable so she was going to have to wear the stupid colonial outfit a bit longer. She did find two upgrades that would improve her armor.

Jacob and Miranda were following her around like little puppy dogs. She tried to tell them she could shop alone, but they wouldn't let her out of their sight. They had trust issues she guessed. She picked up the provisions and they went back to the ship.


"Commander a package came for you while you were out." Joker told her. "Kelly took it."

"Thank you, Joker." She turned to Miranda "Since your going to your office can you tell Rupert the provisions he requested should be here shortly so he can get ready for them."

"Certainly commander" Miranda advised and she left the bridge with Jacob trailing after her.

"Joker, they made me a Spectre again but we have to stay in the Terminus Systems, well for the most part anyway. I assume we are allowed to come back here" she made a face.

"That's good, Commander, are they going to help with the Collectors?" Joker asked.

"No. The Reapers don't exist and so by extension, neither do the Collectors. It all becomes my problem again since I am the only one that believes it."

"Well Commander, you'll take care of it."

"Yeah, see you at dinner okay?"

"Okay Commander."

She went up to Kelly and asked about the package.

"It's right here Commander." She handed Shepard a box "I went to put it in your office but EDI wouldn't let me up there."

"That's fine." Shepard told her.

"Well you could tell EDI that I was allowed to go up there in case I need to put anything in there in the future." Kelly told her.

Shepard headed to the elevator "That's okay Kelly, I don't mind taking a package up to my office myself, but thank you anyway." She said as the doors cut off any response Kelly could have had.


She put the box on the table by the couch and looked at the label. It didn't say what planet it was from, but it had a 'Way Of Peace' sticker on it. Well not too odd really except it was awful big to just have a honey delivery in it. When she was a teen she had become friends with some people from the Way of Peace. It was an anti arms pro peace organization. She had only spent a little time with them for a few months but they taught her some things. In the end she couldn't join because she wouldn't give up her guns. Her guns were too important a part of her. She didn't see much of the Way Of Peace members after that and then they severed ties with her when she joined the Alliance. The honey started showing up a month later. Never a note, never a word, just honey. She was sure it was from Trey, he had been sweet on her, but of course she hadn't been interested in him in that way.

She put the box on her desk and opened it. There was a tea pot, some tea towels, four mugs in the style she preferred, a tin of honey and a large tin of her favorite coconut tea. This time there was a note.

Z—

I know your ship was destroyed and I figured you lost everything. I don't know where you've been for the past two years, but if you are ready to tell the Alliance goodbye, the Way Of Peace is still here for you. We are glad you're back.

T—

She smiled, he meant he was glad. This was the best gift, her tea. The only question she had is; how did he find out where she was. It was odd, but he always seemed to find her no matter where she was stationed. The honey showed up with no delay no matter what ship she was on. The note was a surprise though, she hadn't heard from him for over twelve years… well fourteen she corrected herself.

She went down and got a container of hot water from Rupert, then came up to her cabin and made herself a cup of tea. She took her first sip and the world relaxed around her. She felt a bit more like herself now.


Dr. Chakwas and Joker joined her for dinner.

"So Kaidan has been promoted, to Staff Commander" Shepard said as she watched for the doctor's and Joker's reactions.

Joker was surprised "Moving up in the universe is he? Well good for him."

"That's nice." was all the doctor said, she didn't seem to have much reaction at all.

"You guys really didn't keep in contact with Kaidan at all?" Shepard asked.

"Well Commander, I tried to, at first" the doctor told her. "But I think he always equated me with the person that made him realize you were really not coming back. It hurt him too I think. Then when they couldn't find your body... well he just never returned any of my calls."

"Yeah, and I got his girlfriend killed, so he wouldn't talk to me either, at least that's how I saw it. I think Garrus and Tali said he wouldn't talk to them either. Liara, well, she was really upset when you died and she left Citadel space shortly after the funeral. Wrex was...well just Wrex, although he did say something about your death not being good enough for you."

"Funeral... I had a funeral?"

"An Alliance function of course, broadcast over the extranet. Everyone attended, made a bunch of speeches and such. They didn't let the crew speak of course. Anderson said some really touching things." the doctor told her.

"I can get you a copy if you'd like."

"No Joker, I don't need to see that at all. That would just be morbid" she told him.

"That's a good idea Shepard, put it all behind you." Chakwas told her.

"Yeah, having a little bit of a hard time with that. A week ago I was on the deck of my Normandy having dinner with you and the rest of the squad, joking and laughing. A few days later and you are all split up and I can't find Kaidan."

"It has been two years Shepard, you have to face the fact that he may have moved on." Chakwas said gently what Shepard had already been thinking. "You have to face that he is not available to you and may never be again."

"I know Doc" she told her "but it's only been a few days, can you give me some leeway here?"

"Shepard, I just don't want you to be hurt."

"I died Doc. The hurt is already there. I just have to let it go. Having you both here should help me do that."

"So we're going to Omega, what are we doing there?" Joker asked trying to change the subject and lighten the mood.

"Well I have to get a team together and The Illusive Man, and if you don't mind I'm going to be calling him TIM from now on, suggested this scientist and a merc named Archangel. They are both on Omega, so it's as good a place to start as any." she answered him.

"A merc named Archangel? He sounds like a ray of sunshine Commander." Joker told her.

"Yeah well whatever we need to get this job done and get us out from the clutches of Cerberus." she told him.

"From you mouth to god's ear, Shepard." Dr. Chakwas said.


Jacob entered the mess and saw the Commander sitting and talking with the doctor and Joker. They were eating dinner together. Well she did know them from before, maybe she was trying to get some familiarity back in her life. He sat on the other side of the mess where he could watch them. He was curious about the Commander, she was one hell of a fighter. She was one hell of a Commander too. She didn't always take the easy way out and seemed to command with her heart as well as her head. She wouldn't let them take Veetor from the quarians even though she could have. He knows Miranda didn't like that, and he had sided her on that, but the Commander got the data and got it done. If she wasn't there they would have taken Veetor and risked more bad blood between Cerberus and the quarians. Maybe her way was better. He'd have to think on that.


Shepard felt a bit better back in her cabin after dinner. Maybe that is what she needed just a talk with friends. Well back to work in the morning. She changed out of her clothing and into her shorts and tank top feeling even more normal. Putting on her robe she walked over to her desk and sat down. The holo came to life and she looked into Kaidan's face. Doc was right, handsome man like that, with his beautiful brown eyes and he sweet but firm disposition, bound to be females banging down his door. She felt a stab of pain in her heart. I should put this away she thought, but she couldn't, it was too soon. She fondled the frame and said to it "Good night, Kaidan" then she got up and went to bed.