A/N: Hi guys! ^^ Merry Christmas! I couldn't resist a Christmas update, so here it is. It's not very christmassy, though.. ah well! I want to thank everyone who read and/or reviewed the last chapter. I'm so grateful! Another small time jump. I will do that more often for the time being, especially since you all seem to like that as well. It's not a huge time jump, just a few months, but we'll get there. I do have to warn you all that this chapter is a little darker than what you're all used to... it's inevitable. Bella's getting older, so the story gets darker. Especially the last part ( no extreme horror stuff.. I think.. I don't know I'm a terrible judge when it comes to these things. ) But just in case some of you are a bit faint hearted and are easily disturbed... here's the warning. Well, enjoy the chapter and I will see you all on the other side! ^^

Disclaimer: SM owns it all.

POV'S: Bella, Jasper, Rosalie.


Bella's POV.

May 2th 1998.

Dear journal,

A certain someone (I'm not going to give you a name, so don't even ask) recently found my stash of secret letters and decided that I should write my thoughts in you instead. Said unnamed person clearly doesn't know the meaning of privacy, but tried to show it anyway by giving me you (including a lock that doesn't work on nosy vampires, but I guess it's the thought that counts... right?) Right... The lock on my desk drawer didn't keep them out either. And I wouldn't put it past them to have an extra key hidden somewhere...

When/If this unspeakable ever attempts to read my personal (and hidden!) thoughts again I will assume that they have no trouble whatsoever violating another persons privacy to satiate their unquenchable thirst for the trivial, petty and most of all secret thoughts of a ten year old human girl and I will gladly return the favor.

If this person's confidence for some reason borders on arrogance and they feel entitled to my self proclaimed hidden thoughts without fear of above mentioned consequences I would like to use this opportunity to give them the following message: GAME ON!

Well, journal, you have been most helpful and I'm sure I will write again soon. Bye.

I closed my new journal with a loud thud and clicked the lock shut before I put it in my desk drawer where I had kept my secret letters all the months. I locked the drawer, even though I knew that it wouldn't keep them out, stood up and fell down on my bed with a loud sigh.

I was still trying to figure out who had given me the journal in the first place since it was the same person who had had the nerve to read my letters, but clearly didn't have the stomach to own up to it. The journal had been an anonymous gift.

It had come with a small card that simply said: Found your letters. Perhaps you should write your thoughts in this journal instead. It's yours now. X

The note had been printed, so I couldn't use the handwriting as a clue. Ugh! Stupid overprotective, overbearing, privacy-hating vampires!

I had made a mental list of all the possible culprits; crossing of a name whenever I decided they weren't responsible. I was down to three possible culprits at the moment. Edward, Rosalie and Alice.

The other ones had been eliminated after careful evaluation.

Emmett wouldn't have bothered to unlock my drawer and read all those letters. And he certainly wouldn't have bothered to buy me a journal after all that. He wasn't the snooping type. If he wanted to know something he would just ask, blunt as he was. It seemed highly unlikely that he would go through all that trouble just to snoop.

Both Esme and Carlisle wouldn't have done something like this either. They respected my privacy. They hardly ever came in here anyway. My parents always trusted me to tell them everything that went on in my life without prying too much. Even if I decided to not tell them they would assume that I had a good reason and they left it alone. So it seemed unlikely that they would go through all that trouble, especially if it meant violating my trust and privacy.

Jasper didn't need to know my feelings, because he could sense them anyway. If he was curious about them he would just ask me. He wasn't one to pry either and respected my privacy. Neither of them would've gone through so much trouble just to read my thoughts.

Edward, Rosalie and Alice on the other hand...

Rosalie's motherly concerns reached an abnormal level every now and then and that could make her do strange and unwelcome things. I wouldn't put it past her to search my room for information. But now that I really thought about it something seemed off. If my mom had indeed searched my room and had come across my secret letters she would have confronted me. To say that those letters were gloomy and depressing would be an understatement. She would've been alarmed and tried to talk to me instead of buying me a journal so I could continue to write down my depressing thoughts. She always wanted to talk about everything after all...

Now that I really thought about it, it seemed improbable that she had been the one.

On the other hand, the two remaining options both seemed highly probable. Both Edward and Alice had no regards for my personal space, both in a different way. Alice barged into my room without permission all the time. Granted, it was usually to spend time with me, but who's to say that she wouldn't come in here to snoop? Her ominous talent of predicting the future allowed her to know almost everything. Almost! Whenever she was presented with something secret and unknown she simply couldn't help herself. Her curiosity had no bounds.

Same went for Edward. I was the only person in the world whose thoughts were hidden from him and I knew that it still drove him mad. His already overprotective nature frequently went into overdrive and the results were never good. For me that is.

Moreover, he was in my room all that time. Yes, I was usually there, but asleep. He could easily have opened the drawer and read my letters while I was asleep. I wouldn't put it past him either. His curiosity was a bit more limited than Alice's. It usually centered around me. Especially my hidden thoughts and feelings...

Also, both of them could have given me the journal. It seemed like the sort of thing either of them would do when they discovered my letters.

If this was Alice's doing, Edward would probably have found out and yelled at her... even if he would have done the exact same thing. He would have read it in her thoughts... then again, Alice was really good at keeping secrets from Edward, so maybe not. And maybe he had been too curious to stop her...

If Edward had done it, Alice would've seen it too. But if she had that meant that she hadn't done a single thing to stop it, because she would've seen it before it had even happened. They could be covering for each other... it wouldn't be the first time...

I knew it had to be one of them, but I had no way of knowing which one it had really been.

Perhaps I could play the I'm-hurt-someone-would-violate-my-privacy-like-that card and see which one couldn't take the guilt. But they were both excellent liars and they wouldn't be fazed by something as obvious as that.

I could ask Emmett for help... but then I would have to tell him the details and I knew he would want to know the contents of my letters. He wouldn't go looking for them behind my back, but I wouldn't hear the end of it until I had spilled the beans, so maybe that wasn't the best option.

Maybe if I came up with a really good plan... he would be too distracted to ask questions. His enthusiasm could work in my favor.. But I was afraid to risk it.

I could always go to mom and dad and tell them what happened. I knew that they would do anything to find the guilty one, but at what cost? They would probably call a family meeting and then the whole family would know what it was about. And if I told Rose she would go ballistic. At this point I was convinced that she was innocent. But she would find a match and threaten to burn the culprit to a pile of smoking ashes. Maybe not the best idea either.

All this thinking about my family had made me realize one thing: my family was insane!

I had known that for years, but I couldn't deny it anymore either. The proof was overwhelming.

But the sad reality of the situation was that it was impossible to find the culprit. I couldn't just go and accuse one of them without being absolutely certain. What if my retaliation was directed at the wrong person?

Still, I was convinced that they were both guilty, because they couldn't keep secrets from one another. That never worked out well. They were both lousy at allowing others to have secrets.

Perhaps I could find out which one of them owned a journal... I didn't necessarily have to read it. Finding it would be enough proof that they had done it. Then again... maybe not. And maybe they both had journals..

I was suddenly curious what an immortal vampire would write in a journal. What problems could they possibly have? They would always stay the same. They didn't have any friends or family left to lose, except me or another member of our strange family and their lives hadn't really changed in decades. They played the same charade over and over again. That must get really boring... Nothing exciting to write about.

The only thing that changed in their lives was me. Did that mean that they wrote about me?

I couldn't deny that my curiosity was slowly taking over. I didn't want to violate their privacy, though. I still felt mortified that someone had read my secrets letters after all. Then again, perhaps they would finally understand how I felt. Not just now, but always. They could never just let me be. They wanted to know everything about my life. All my thoughts, all my feelings, all my friends, all my secrets... They didn't care about my privacy at all.

I felt the anger bubbling to the surface again and I sat up straight, making up my mind.

Today was actually a perfect day to snoop around. Everyone, except Carlisle and Jasper, had gone hunting and Carlisle had been called to the hospital an hour ago. So it was just me and Jasper for the day. The others wouldn't be back 'til midnight. At least.

Jasper was currently in his library, finally reading the new set of books that Alice had given him last Christmas.

I stood up from the bed and closed the door behind me when I entered the hallway.


Jasper's POV.

I heard a soft knock on the door before it opened quietly and Bella appeared in the doorway.

'' Can I come in? '' she asked, hesitating on the doorstep.

'' Of course, '' I said, somewhat surprised. She usually didn't even bother to knock, let alone ask me if she could come in. She shuffled forward and looked around as if she expected the books in the room to attack her. I closed my book and put in on the table.

'' Is everything okay, Bella? '' I asked, concerned. She didn't look well at all. '' Are you ill? ''

Bella shook her head and slowly curled up on the large chair opposite me. She stuffed her hands in the pockets of her vest and chewed on her bottom lip.

'' Is something troubling you? '' I asked, sensing her emotions. She seemed conflicted.

'' Yes, '' she said without meeting my eyes. She stared at the mahogany table between us and the books that lay there. '' Do you keep a journal, Jazz? ''

'' Sometimes, '' I answered, confused by her question. '' Why? ''

'' What would you do if someone read it? '' she asked, deep in thought.

I tried to figure out the meaning behind her questions as I answered them.

'' I don't think anyone would do that, '' I said with a shake of my head. '' But even if they did they probably wouldn't find things that they didn't already know or something they wanted to know. We don't really have secrets in this family. ''

'' That's not true, '' Bella said and I could hear and feel anger. '' You keep secrets from me all the time. You guys never tell me anything. ''

'' That's different, Bella, '' I said. '' You're still a child. '' She was about to protest, but I continued before the words could leave her mouth. '' I know you don't like it when we say that, but it's the truth. You're only ten years old. ''

'' I'll be eleven in September, '' she grumbled. '' I'm not a baby. ''

'' No, not a baby, but still a child, '' I answered patiently. '' There are certain things you don't need to know yet. Things about our past. Things that are too- ''

'' Don't say scary! '' she growled softly.

'' I wasn't going to say scary, '' I clarified. '' I was going to say complicated. Things that are too complicated to explain. ''

'' So you only keep secrets from me? '' she asked and I heard the bitterness in her voice. '' Not from each other? ''

'' Well, '' I said, thinking about my words. '' It's practically impossible to keep secrets in this family, especially with Edward and Alice around. ''

'' And you, '' Bella added and I smiled ruefully.

'' Yes, and me, '' I allowed. '' We try to give each other as much privacy as possible, but it usually proves to be too much effort. Keeping secrets in this family is extremely difficult. You have to control your emotions, your thoughts and your actions all the time. One mistake and the truth spills out. ''

I thought about the secret we had tried to keep from Edward and his future with Bella. It had been a miracle that we had managed to keep it hidden from him for so long and it had been difficult and tiresome. Controlling your thoughts every hour of every day.

'' How come you don't try to give me as much privacy as possible? '' she asked, almost growled.

'' When have I ever violated your privacy? '' I asked, a little hurt that she would think that I didn't respect her privacy.

Yes, I could sense her emotions, but there was nothing I could do about that. I felt everyone's emotions and usually I didn't even try to find out the reasons behind it. People were entitled to their own feelings and thoughts after all.

'' I wasn't talking about you in particular, '' she explained. '' I was talking about everyone. ''

'' Everyone? '' I asked, sensing that we were getting to close to the reason she felt so angry and confused. '' Or someone in particular? ''

'' A few someones actually, '' she mumbled, her voice softer than before. '' Mom and Dad excluded. ''

'' Edward? '' I guessed and she nodded. '' And Alice, and mom and sometimes Emmett and even you sometimes, but I guess you can't help it. It's not as if you pester me about every single thing until you find out the truth. Emmett's not so bad either. Sure, he's annoying, but he can respect my privacy. But mom, Alice and Edward... ''

'' Alice can't help it either, '' I said, trying to defend my wife. But as I said it I realized that it wasn't entirely true. She could help it sometimes. She saw the future no matter what. That wasn't something she could help, but she was too curious for her own good and I knew that.

Bella raised an eyebrow at me and I laughed despite myself.

'' Okay, she can be a little curious, '' I admitted. '' And a little overenthusiastic, '' I added as an afterthought. '' But she means well. She would never violate someones privacy on purpose. ''

Bella looked at me and frowned. '' Are you sure about that? Not even mine? ''

'' Not even yours, '' I nodded, convinced. '' I'm sure about that. She would just ask you if she wanted to know something. ''

'' But I don't always tell her everything, '' she said, clearly not as convinced as I was.

'' And you don't have to. If she's really worried about you, or anyone for that matter, she will ask you about it. She would never go behind your back. You can trust me on that. ''

Bella's teeth found her lip again as she gazed at the table once more, seemingly deep in thought.

'' Is that what's been troubling you? '' I asked, sensing that I was right. She felt... conflicted. As if she was trying to decide if she should tell me the truth or not. After a few seconds on contemplative silence she seemed to make her mind up.

'' You know those letters I wrote to my friends back in London when we first moved here? ''

'' Yes, '' I said, waiting for her to continue.

'' Well, after a while I didn't send them anymore, because I was running out of things to tell them and because they became a little too depressing and I didn't want to bother them with my misery, '' she confessed. '' But I never stopped writing them. I simply locked them away in my desk drawer instead of sending them to London. ''

'' I see, '' I nodded. '' Kind of like a journal, but in the form of letters. ''

'' Yeah, '' she agreed softly. '' But a few days ago there was a journal on my bed with a note. Someone had found my letters... and that person had bought me a journal to write in instead.. ''

'' Oh, I see, '' I said, finally understanding why she was angry. '' And that someone didn't leave a name? ''

'' No, '' Bella said and the anger returned to her voice. '' Those letters were locked away in my desk drawer and someone just opened it and read all those letters! '' Her voice got a little louder in her anger and her small hands balled into fists. '' They violated my privacy and then bought me a journal without even being honest with me! ''

Her anger was understandable. It wasn't just anger, it was also embarrassment. I had no idea what she had written in those letters, but she clearly felt betrayed and embarrassed that someone had read them.

'' And now you want to know who did it? '' I guessed and she nodded, a stiff jerk of her head as she tried to control her temper. I could see tears of anger and embarrassment in her eyes, but they didn't spill over. I felt for her.

'' And you think that Alice did it? ''

'' She's definitely a suspect, '' she clarified. She had clearly ruled me out as a suspect or she wouldn't have come to me to talk about it. I felt glad that she seemed to know that I wouldn't do something like that.

'' Alice didn't do it, '' I said, positive that she was innocent. '' She wouldn't go behind your back like that and moreover, she would have told me. ''

'' Are you sure about that? '' Bella said with narrowed eyes. '' It wouldn't be the first time that she violated my privacy. ''

'' And whenever that happened what did you do after that? '' I asked and Bella thought about that one for a minute.

'' She came to talk to me about it, '' Bella said slowly. She frowned and shook her head.

'' The last time something like that happened it had been an accident, '' Bella continued.

'' She seemed really sorry about it actually. It wasn't as big as this, just some stupid note she had found in my schoolbag. But she came and talked to me about it anyway. ''

'' Exactly, '' I said with a firm nod. '' I can't deny that Alice is very curious and wants to know everything about everyone, but she wouldn't go behind your back. She would have told you if she had found those letters. ''

Bella chewed her lip again and frowned. '' That leaves only one person... ''

'' You were already down to two before you came to me? '' I asked and she nodded.

'' I knew you would never do something like that, '' she explained. '' You don't even go to my room unless I'm there and you want to talk to me and even if you had somehow found those letters you would've just asked me about it. Same goes for Emmett. He's annoying and embarrassing, but he wouldn't go through all that trouble just to read some letters I wrote. He's not really the secretive type. ''

I laughed and shook my head. '' No, he isn't. ''

'' Exactly, '' she agreed. '' Mom and dad wouldn't do that either. If they're worried about me they just ask. Call a family meeting and try to talk everything out. '' She rolled her eyes and I laughed again. '' Dad only comes into my room to talk to me just like you and mom doesn't even look into my schoolbag or pockets. She just wants to talk to me, nothing more. They wouldn't do that. ''

I had to agree with her. Carlisle and Esme were honest, but discreet. They treated all of us with the same amount of respect. Yes, Bella was different because she was still a child and human, but they wouldn't search her room if they were worried about her.

'' Rose would go through my stuff if she was in a mood, '' Bella admitted. '' But if she had found my letters she would've talked to me about it. Actually, she would've demanded that I'd tell her everything immediately. ''

'' Probably, '' I laughed. '' She's always worried about you, but she wouldn't let it go that easily. ''

'' Yes, '' Bella nodded. '' So only two people remained. Alice and Edward. Does Alice keep a journal? ''

'' Actually, no, '' I said with a shake of my head. '' She doesn't. I have suggested it several times, but she's stubborn. She doesn't really like journals. ''

'' Why not? '' Bella asked, and I could hear the curiosity in her voice.

'' Alice lives in the future, '' I tried to explain. '' She doesn't look back, only forward. Her visions are fragmented and hazy. The future is like a puzzle with a million pieces and it isn't set in stone either. Things change. All the time. I suggested that she should write things down; that it might help her solve some of the puzzles. That it could give her some peace of mind. She tried it, a long time ago, but she soon gave up on it. She found it incredibly frustrating and chaotic. She said that it was impossible to write down and that she preferred it if it stayed inside her head where she can sort through images instead of words. ''

'' What about Edward? '' she asked. '' Does he keep a journal? ''

'' Edward has kept a journal ever since I met him, '' I said. '' Honestly, most of us have done it over it years. Some more than others. Emmett doesn't keep a journal either and I don't think he ever really has. He's not the type to write things down and brood. He doesn't look back, just like Alice. But, unlike Alice, he doesn't look forward either. He's more of a live-life-today kind of guy. Carlisle keeps a journal, but it has more to do with work than with anything else. I'm not sure about Esme, but I think she must have done it at least once. Same goes for Rosalie. I know that she kept a journal of her first years as a vampire, but she gave up on that after a few years. After she met Emmett she started living in the present and not so much in the past. She was a little sad before she met him, but after that things got better for her. I still keep a journal, but I don't write every day. Sometimes I don't write at all and sometimes I write all the time. It all depends. Edward is the only one who still writes in his journal on a daily basis. He has done that for as long as I can remember. It benefits him most. ''

'' What do you mean? '' Bella asked, confused by my words.

'' He hears people thoughts all the time, '' I explained. '' It's extremely exhausting. He never has any peace and quiet. We all have a voice in our head, our own. But Edward hears hundreds of voices every day. The only time he doesn't hear any voices is when he's alone somewhere or when he's with you. That's why he goes to those quiet places you two visit. So he can be alone with his thoughts. Writing a journal is a little bit like that. He can write down and worry about his own thoughts and not the thoughts of the people around him. And also because he hears so much more than we all do. Knowing everything about everyone can be confusing and unwelcome. Writing it all down helps him deal with all the things he hears. That why I suggested that Alice should keep a journal too. I saw how it helped Edward, but visions and thoughts are different things. It didn't work for her the way it works for Edward. ''

'' So that's it, '' Bella said, angry and determined. '' Edward read my letters and bought me the journal! ''

'' Yeah, probably, '' I agreed sheepishly. '' Did the note say he read your letters? ''

'' No, just that he found them and bought me a journal, '' Bella clarified, but then she rolled her eyes. '' But of course he read them! It's Edward we're talking about! He wouldn't just open a locked drawer, see those letters and ignore them! ''

I had to agree with her. If Edward had found those letters he would've read them. Especially since they're Bella's. If any of us had written those letters he would've ignored them, but not Bella. He couldn't read her thoughts and I knew it still frustrated him every now and then. Bella didn't open up easily and she kept a lot of thoughts and feelings to herself. I knew that, because I felt them too. I knew how frustrated Edward felt about Bella. How worried he always was. He probably bought her the journal because he felt guilty and didn't want to deprive her of her thoughts. Also, I think he felt relieved that she at least wrote it down, even if she didn't always say things out loud.

'' No, but I don't think he meant any harm, '' I said, coming to his defense and Bella scoffed.

'' Of course he didn't, '' was her sarcastic reply. '' He could have been honest about it. But he never is, so no surprise there. ''

'' Honestly, '' I said. '' I think he didn't want to upset you. '' Bella opened her mouth to speak, but I continued. '' I'm not saying that what he did was right. It was wrong and you have every right to be angry, but I really think he just felt guilty for reading the letters and bought you that journal to make it up to you. ''

'' He should have been honest with me, '' Bella fumed.

'' Yes, he should have, '' I agreed.

There was no denying that. She had every right to be angry with him. He violated her privacy and went behind her back. I would be pissed too if someone did that to me. But knowing Edward he really didn't mean any harm. His curiosity and his worries probably got the best of him, so he did something stupid and then tried to make up for it by buying her that journal with a note because he didn't want to be totally dishonest. He just didn't have to stomach to tell her the truth. Both he and Bella were extremely proud and stubborn and their fights recently lasted longer and longer. I knew how he felt whenever they fought and I guessed that this was his way of trying to avoid that. Not a very clever way, but there you have it. Torn between the fear of another fight with Bella and the guilt he felt about what he had done he had made the worst decision ever. A half truth that revealed what he had done without revealing that he had been the one. I sighed and shook my head. Idiot.

'' He doesn't like it when the two of you fight, '' I said and Bella huffed in annoyance.

'' I think he wanted to avoid that. ''

'' Then he shouldn't have read my letters in the first place! '' Bella said, her voice an octave higher in outrage.

'' You're right, '' I nodded. '' It was stupid and wrong. His curiosity got the best of him and made him feel guilty afterward. His can read everyone's thoughts except yours. It's very frustrating for him. ''

'' So? '' Bella huffed and she crossed her arms in anger. '' If he wanted to know something he could have just asked. ''

'' It's not something he's used to, '' I explained. '' He hears everyone's thoughts without a filter. If he asks you, you edit. You leave out the things you don't want him to know. ''

'' He should just respect that! ''

'' Of course he should, '' I agreed, trying to calm her down. '' It's just not something he's used to. I'm not defending his actions, because they were wrong. But that doesn't mean that I don't understand him. ''

'' I don't want to understand him right now, '' Bella fumed. '' I just want to be angry. ''

'' That's okay, '' I said, suppressing a laugh.

Her anger was justified, but still adorable. She just sat there in furious silence and I watched as she frowned and huffed and growled softly. Before Bella came into our lives, Edward usually felt bored. At least that much had changed since. He worried about her constantly nowadays and every now and then it made him do stupid things which usually resulted in a fight. I wondered how that would be when Bella got older. She was feisty and stubborn, much like Rose actually. Well, Rose was her mother after all, so it made sense. She was going to be handful. I chuckled under my breath. Edward should start working on his patience...


Rosalie's POV.

'' Yo, Edward! '' Emmett boomed, waving his hands his above his head and we all looked up. There is he stood, at least twenty feet higher than where we stood, on top of a large boulder. '' Come help me find some bears! ''

I heard Edward sigh next to me and I turned around to see him shaking his head, his expression torn between irritation and amusement.

'' I'm not in the mood for bears, '' Edward responded at normal volume. Emmett was only shouting for the dramatic effect. After all, we could all hear him without the theatrics.

'' WHAT?! '' Emmett yelled back, shocked and abhorred. '' Who are you right now? Certainly not my brother! '' He flailed his arms around in indignation.

'' That's my line, '' Edward muttered under his breath and I smacked the back of his head.

'' Hey! '' He protested, but I managed to silence him with a glare.

'' Just go with him! '' I hissed under my breath. Emmett was too busy making noise to pay attention. '' Jasper's and Carlisle aren't here, so be his brother and humor him. ''

Edward rolled his eyes, but slouched off anyway. Wow, that was easier than I had imagined. Edward and I usually fought about everything.

'' Not in the mood, '' Edward muttered, but I could still hear him, though I chose to ignore it.

'' Good decision, '' he said and I opened my mouth to snap at him, but a distraction appeared in the form of Alice.

'' Guess who's coming? '' she sang, dancing in circles around me and Esme. '' Kate and Tanya! '' She answered her own question before either one of us could.

'' Em, let's go! '' Edward said, loud enough for any of us and Emmett jumped down from the boulder in excitement.

'' That's more like it! '' he boomed and slapped Edward hard on the back.

'' Yeah, whatever, '' Edward mumbled. '' Let's hurry before.. eh.. I change my mind. ''

I narrowed my eyes at his back and shook my head in annoyance. The imminent arrival of Tanya was the only reason that he was suddenly in a hurry to join Emmett.

'' Oh, that's lovely, '' Esme smiled. '' We haven't seen them in a while. ''

'' Won't the rest of them join us? '' I asked, wondering why it was just the two of them. They usually all went together. Carmen en Eleazar went off on their own every once in a while, but Tanya, Kate and Irina were always together.

'' I don't think so, '' Alice said, thoughtful now. '' I only saw the two of them. They'll be here any - ''

Before Alice could finish her sentence Kate's voice filled the clearing where we had gathered. Only a second later Emmett's booming voice echoed in the distance and I snorted.

'' Kate! '' Alice cheered, jumping up and down. '' I saw you coming! ''

Kate laughed and patted Alice on the head when Alice threw her arms around her.

'' It's good to see you too! '' she laughed. Tanya followed closely after and waved at all of us. She looked around the clearing and I saw a tiny flicker of disappointment in her eyes when she noticed that Edward wasn't with us, but she recovered almost immediately.

She shouldn't feel so disappointed. Edward had made it very clear that there was nothing more than friendship between the two of them and in any case, he wasn't much fun to be around lately. That was usually the case, but I had a feeling that something was bugging him. He seemed more brooding and irritating than usual.

'' Where are the others? '' Alice asked Kate and I turned around to join the conversation.

'' Are Carmen en Eleazar off together? ''

'' Yup, '' Kate answered cheerfully. '' It's their anniversary, so Eleazar whisked her off for the weekend. He's taking her to Paris! ''

'' Oh, '' Alice and Esme cooed at the same time.

'' That's so romantic! '' Alice gushed. '' I knew he had it in him. ''

Kate laughed and Tanya joined the conversation as if she hadn't just been looking for Edward. She had a big smile on her face and laughed along with the rest of them.

'' He has his moments, '' Kate allowed.

'' What about Irina, '' Alice continued. '' She didn't want to come with you? ''

Tanya and Kate exchanged a meaningful glance and then they both giggled.

'' What? '' Alice urged, wanting in on the information. '' What, what, what!? ''

'' Irina needed a little privacy, '' Tanya giggled and Kate snorted into her hands.

'' Did she meet someone? '' I blurted out, cottoning on before Alice and Esme could say a word.

'' Uhu, '' Kate nodded between her giggles. '' They only just met, so it's too early to say anything, but I think she's in love. '' Kate looked at us in turn with wide eyes.

'' Can you imagine that!? ''

'' Oh, that's wonderful for her! '' Esme said, her tone warm and kind. '' How did she meet him? ''

'' Well, '' Tanya said slowly. '' We all met him a few months ago. We were out hunting when we just happened to meet. He didn't seem familiar with the surroundings, so we offered to help him out. He seemed intrigued with our lifestyle, but he had things to attend to, so he only stayed a week. A little over a month ago he suddenly returned and he seemed genuinely interested in adopting our lifestyle. He and Irina had really connected when we all first met, so she was happy to see that he had come back. She invited him to stay with us and he has been here ever since. ''

'' That's why we haven't been around lately, '' Kate laughed. '' We were all getting further acquainted. But things are getting pretty hot and heavy lately and with Carmen and Eleazar gone we figured that it would probably be best to leave them to it. '' She laughed again and shook her head.

'' So he's a vampire? '' Alice laughed and I couldn't blame her for asking. Tanya, Kate and Irina were known to have a fondness for human males. In the biblical sense. Before they became vegetarians they devoured them in every way. Emmett had once joked that it wasn't the worst way to die and I chuckled at the memory. They still loved their fair share of human men, but at least now they lived to tell the tale. It seemed that Irina had finally given up on that and was really to settle down. I was happy for her.

'' Yeah, I know shocker! '' Kate laughed. '' I don't know what's gotten into her. ''

'' Oh, she's in love, '' Esme said, her eyes dreamy. '' Love makes us do crazy things. I'm really happy for her. ''

'' Yeah, '' Alice nodded fervently. '' And we really want to meet him of course! What's his name? ''

'' Laurent, '' Tanya answered. '' He's originally from France. Paris to be exact. ''

'' Is he serious about joining your coven? '' I asked, skeptical.

I knew most of our kind didn't have much patience with our diet. I couldn't really blame them, compared to human blood animal blood tasting rather disgusting. It takes some getting used to. If you ever get used to it. I've always hunted animals instead of vampires, because Carlisle turned me, so you could say that I didn't know any better, but most of them did. Jasper, who has lived the way most vampires do for a long time, struggling the most with our diet. It's still difficult for him to stick to it, but because he's determined to live a certain way he manages.

'' We're not sure yet, '' Tanya answered, a little more serious now. '' He's intrigued by our lifestyle and he enjoys the advantages it brings. He's been a nomad for a long time and he finds our house very peaceful and a welcome change. But he struggles with the diet. It's understandable. Most of our kind won't even consider it, let alone succeed. He's trying, but it's a little fifty fifty now. He and Irina are having a great time together though. We'll see how it plays out. ''

'' So he's still feeding on human blood? '' I asked, my voice a little higher than I wanted. I jolt of panic shot through me as I thought about Bella. The Denali's lived very close by after all.

'' Now and then, but you don't have to worry, '' Tanya said hastily. '' He agreed not to hunt in the area. ''

'' You don't have to be afraid that he will hurt Bella, '' Kate added. '' We would never allow that. She's safe. All humans in the nearby towns are safe. ''

'' Of course, '' Esme said kindly. '' We know you would never put any of us in danger. ''

Yes, that's what she said, but I couldn't help the feeling of unease that was still prickling my neck. Perhaps I was just being overprotective and crazy, but I couldn't help it. Something felt wrong... very wrong...


Bella's POV.

After my conversation with Jazz I was certain that Edward had been the one. I was still seething even though I had left the library hours ago. Dad had returned from work and had ordered me a pizza. After that he had locked himself in his office and I hadn't seen him since. His new job took up a lot of his time, but he seemed to really enjoy it.

Jasper had joined me during dinner and we had watched a movie together. He had keep his mouth shut about Edward the whole time and I was grateful for that. I was still angry and I needed to sort things out on my own.

After that he had returned to the library, leaving me on my own.

So here I was, lying on the couch with Peach curled up on my chest, flicking through channels on the television without actually paying attention to them. I finally settled on a music channel that showed video clips of rappers with golden chains and girls in strange looking bikini's, but I didn't really care about them.

Peach was purring softly and I scratched her absentmindedly behind her white little ears.

'' Everything alright, sweetheart? '' Carlisle's voice entered the living room and I looked up, distracted.

'' Huh? '' I looked over my shoulder and saw him rummaging through a stack of papers on the dinner table. '' Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, '' I answered with a distracted smile before I looked at the TV again.

'' Good, '' he said, sounding just as distracted as me. '' I'm looking for some papers. I'm sure Esme put them here somewhere... ah.. found them! '' He held them up in triumph and I gave him another weak smile.

'' Great, '' was all I said.

'' Well, I'll be in my office, '' he said, already leaving the room. '' I still have a ton of things to do. ''

'' Kay. ''

I heard the door close and let out a sigh I hadn't realized I was holding in.

'' Peach, this really sucks. What do you think I should do? '' I asked, looking down at my chest. She answered with a soft purr.

'' Yeah, tell me about it, '' I agreed.

I rolled my eyes at myself, because I was asking advice from a cat. I wished my life was a simple as hers. She only slept, fed, played, spooked the horses, ran across the yard, slept, fed some more and then did it all over again. She didn't have a stupid best friend who violated her privacy and read her secret letters without her consent. No, her life was pretty great.

Jasper had said that Edward had kept a journal ever since he had first met him. He must have compiled a lot of journals over the years if he wrote in them every day. He had been on this earth for more than ninety years after all. I suddenly wondered where he kept them.

He had read my letters so I guessed it was only fair that I read his journal. The thought made me feel a little guilty, but I pushed it aside. Moreover, I was curious. If he had no regards for my privacy why should I care about his?

And also, what in the world would he write about? The thoughts he heard every day from other people? Me? Family secrets that they never wanted me to know, because they were afraid that I wouldn't be able to take it?

All those things allowed my curiosity to peak. I suddenly sat up straight, having forgotten that Peach was even there, and she wailed in surprise and jumped down before I could stop her.

'' Sorry! '' I called after her, but then I jumped off the couch as well and ran upstairs to Edward's room before I could talk myself out of it.

I tiptoed across the hallway when I entered the second floor and silently made my way up to the third floor. I didn't want dad or Jasper to know what I was up to. It wouldn't be that suspicious anyway since I went up to Edward's room all the time. Even if he wasn't there. They never questioned it, but I had told Jasper everything this afternoon and maybe he was on high alert, so I crept upstairs as silently as I could.

When I reached Edward's bedroom I opened the door softly and strained my ears to check if anyone was following me.

I closed the door behind me and looked around his room, wondering where I should start. I had been in his room a million times before and I had never seen anything that resembled a journal. There were several books in his room and even more CD's, but I highly doubted that he would put something that precious in such an obvious place. Especially since I came in here all the time and he didn't want me to know anything.

I walked toward his desk and tried all the drawers. The were all locked, but one. I opened it and saw that it was empty except for a small notebook. My heart skipped a beat. I carefully picked it up and flicked it open, but I was instantly disappointed.

The only things in here were titles of CD's and songs. He had put everything in chronological order. I looked at his rows of CD's and rolled my eyes. If I had as many CD's as he had I would need a guide too. I shook my head and put it back before I closed the drawer again.

It seemed probable that he had hidden his journal in one of the locked drawers, but if that was the case I wouldn't be able to find it. I didn't know where he kept the keys. He probably carried them with him or something crazy like that.

I sank to my knees with a defeated sigh. This had been such a stupid idea. How could I have thought that it would be that easy to find? Edward was smart enough to put it in a safe place beyond my reach.

I let myself fall backward and stared at the ceiling, but I only saw myself staring back at me. My heartbeat increased involuntarily when I saw myself, but then I remembered that Alice had put some mirrors shards on his ceiling. I had no idea why she had done that, but it added a strange and kaleidoscopic effect to his golden room. As I lay there, watching myself from various angles the sky steadily became darker until I could hardly see myself anymore. I sighed and stood up to flick on his bedrooms lights. I stumbled when I got up and only just managed to keep myself upright by grabbing his desk. I stayed silent for a minute to make sure that I was steady and then turned to flick on his desk light. I reached for it, but instead of flicking it on I accidentally knocked it over.

'' Damn it, '' I cursed under my breath. I turned around and felt my way over to his wall where I turned on the big light.

I looked at the floor next to his desk and saw his light. I went to pick it up and turned it over to see if I had broken anything. That would be just like me. I would be the worst spy in the world.

When I turned it over I heard something rattle and for a wild second I thought that I had actually broken it, but when I turned it upside down I saw that it didn't even have a scratch. I frowned and shook it softly. The strange rattling sound filled the room again. I examined his ordinary desk lamp more closely and noticed that it ran on batteries. I frowned and looked at the chord that showed that it was definitely plugged in. I opened the small valve at the bottom, expecting to find the batteries, but when I opened it I only saw a small key.

My heart skipped a beat when I took the small key out and held it up in my hands. I turned my head around and stared at Edward's closed bedroom door, checking if I was really alone. A surge of adrenaline shot threw me when I looked down at the key again. I put his desk lamp back where it belonged and stared at the locked drawers. I turned the key over in my head, hesitating for a second before I knelt down and put the key in the first lock. I turned it over and let out a stuttered breath when I realized that it fit. It clicked open and I slowly opened the drawer, my heart hammering against my ribcage.

I spotted several worn down notebooks with a fragile leather binding and a string that kept it closed. I picked them up and put them on the floor in front of me. These must be some of Edward's journals. And very old ones at that.

I picked up the faded dark brown one and loosened the string with trembling fingers. This was dangerous and unknown territory. I had no idea what I would find in there and a part of me wanted to put them back in the drawer and leave his room while I still had the change. But my curiosity won out and I opened it slowly, exhaling with a deep sigh.

As I flicked through it I noticed that it was filled with small and elegant scribbles from cover to cover. He really has beautiful handwriting, I thought wryly, annoyed that it still impressed me even though I was angry with him.

My eye fell on a certain date that he had circled as if it was special. My eyes widened when I realized what date that was.

December 24th 1927.

That was seventy and half years ago! I knew that he had been around back then, but here was the actual proof. He had written all these words more than seventy years ago! I couldn't even imagine what life must have been like back then. It seemed strange and unreal.

Christmas eve seventy years ago... seventy years ago... seventy years ago...

I shook my head in wonder and started reading, intrigued.

I went to church tonight. I don't even know why. Perhaps because it's Christmas eve. Or perhaps I wanted to see if I could still enter one without bursting into flames on the threshold.

I rolled my eyes at that. Apparently he had always been convinced that he was a monster.

But when I arrived I didn't dare enter. I couldn't do it. It felt wrong. I don't belong in there anymore, but I didn't leave either. I simply sat there, outside in the snow, and listened to the sermon. The priest said something that stayed with me. He talked about Jesus Christ the son of God and how we are all, in a sense, children of God.

I wanted to mock his convictions, trample all over them and show him how very wrong he was. What would he say if he knew what I was? Would he call me a child of God? I doubt it.

If God is such a benevolent deity why would he curse a young man who only wanted to do right?

I took a sharp intake of breath and stared at his words. Was he talking about himself? Is that what he really thought? That he was cursed?

Why would he condemn him to a soulless life of darkness? Unable to ever redeem himself?

There can be no light without darkness. That's what my father used to say. At the time I had interpreted it as his way to show pride in me that I wanted to become a soldier. A piece of advice, a comfort, a purpose. Darkness excited so the light could fight it.

But there can be no darkness without light either, I see that now. I'm not light, I'm darkness. Created by light, destined to be light, cursed by darkness.

Darkness... Darkness... Darkness... I am soulless!

I turned the page with a trembling hand, not sure if I wanted to read further, but I couldn't help myself. My hand moved on its own accord and my eyes read without my permission.

December 25th 1927.

I killed a human being today. No, not a human being; a monster. A man who was, in all his rottenness, barely more human than I am. But retched, tainted and dark as his soul may be, he still has one and that's more than I can say. I'm not sure it would buy him a ticket to heaven though. If God is merciful and just as I always thought he was and still pretend to hope, he will judge him. Harsher than I could ever do.

He doesn't deserve heaven or God's forgiveness. He deserves it even less than I do and I have no rights.

A man who raped and murdered innocent young woman and somehow eluded capture and persecution. But no man can hide from me. No one...

I saw the fear in his eyes when he realized that he was about to die. I felt his faint struggles as I ripped into his throat and sucked the life out of him. His desperation. I could hear his last thoughts. How he begged God to save him, to help him, to have mercy on him– a god he had forsaken, a god he hadn't believed in until now, until those final moments. Afraid, for the first time in his miserable and abhorrent existence, that there might be a hell after all.

It's the same every time. They all beg for the same things. The all fear the end... and most of all, what might come after...

I stared at the yellowed page to which Edward had confessed his darkest secrets all those years ago. I simply stared. I was in shock. Edward had killed someone! No, not just someone... multiple someones...

I felt his faint struggles as I ripped into his throat and sucked the life out of him.

My hands were shaking as I read that sentence again. He had fed on humans... all those years ago! He had been a monster and he had tried to tell me that all along. In a way he had been no better than the monster who had killed my parents!

No, I mustn't think like that! Edward was nothing like them. He had killed bad people. Humans who killed other humans... Or had he killed other people to? Innocent people like my mom and dad?

My head was spinning and I felt dizzy. I didn't want to read anymore, but I couldn't stop it. I had to know more. Where was my dad when all this had gone on? Why hadn't he stopped Edward? I thought that they had always been together? How could my dad have stood by and let Edward kill all those people? Monstrous as they were, they were still human beings... Or wasn't it such a bad thing? I didn't know! I didn't know what to think! I didn't know what to feel!

I flicked a few pages, trying to find an entry that would explain why my dad hadn't stopped him. Anything that proved that my Edward was in there somewhere, anywhere, anything.

But the farther I got into the journal the darker it got. Some pages we filled with single words, repeated across the entire page.

Darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness.

Soulless, soulless, soulless, soulless, soulless, soulless, soulless, soulless.

I am a monster! A monster, a monster, a monster, a monster, a monster, a monster!

I threw the journal down and picked up another one, desperate for some reassurance.

February 12th 1929

It's been two years since I left Carlisle and I couldn't be happier. He meant well, but his way of life just wasn't for me. I would never speak ill of the man who created me. He made me a god. A soulless god, but still a god. He gave me the power to judge, so that makes me a god. I'm a god! I'm a god! I AM GOD!

April 4th 1929

Today I celebrate. Today marks the day of a hundred punished souls. Today is good.

September 19th 1929

I feel more powerful than ever! Time changes, but I don't. I'm eternal. I am strong. I've been a power and I use it justly. There was a time I loathed myself, that I wallowed in self-pity and self-abhorrence, but those days are gone.

I'm stronger than that. I'm stronger than anything. I just needed a purpose and I have found it.

The world is a rotten place and I'm here the purge it.

My breathing spiked and turned into hyperventilation. I kept flicking through the pages, but it only got worse and worse and worse. Where was my Edward? Where was the boy who loved me more than anything in the world? Where was the boy who wouldn't hurt anyone? Where was my angel? My hero? I felt hot tears of desperation and panic roll down my cheeks as I flicked feverishly through the pages of his journal, but I couldn't find anything that suggested that boy was in there. I threw the journal on the ground and picked up another one. It couldn't get much worse than this. It could only get better. He wasn't that person anymore, so he must have changed somewhere along the way.

October 7th 1930

Who am I? What am I? I'm not a god, I'm just as bad as them. I'm a monster. I kill, but I convince myself it's in the name of God and justice and mercy, as if that would make it okay! I've been locked inside a hotel room for days, unable to leave. Unable to go on. I look in the mirror and all I see is a soulless monster. Not a god, a soulless monster.

My eyes, red with the blood of human beings, are slowly turning black, so they can fit my black soul.

December 16th 1930

Carlisle, Carlisle, Carlisle, Carlisle... help me. Please, help me, Carlisle!

You were right! You were right and I was wrong! I understand now. I understand why you do what you do. Why you are what you are.

Oh, Carlisle, dad, please help me!

I stared at the last entry and gasped. He was coming to his senses! He needed Carlisle to help him and he was all alone because he had left him!

December 29th 1930

I don't want to live anymore, but I can't die, because I'm not alive! I'm simply existing. I live in agony, every day. Maybe hell's not so bad. It can't be worse than this retched existence!

Oh, let me die. Someone kill me! God kill me! I deserve it!

January 5th 1931

Carlisle I want to come home, but I'm afraid. How can I ever look you in the eye, knowing all that I've done?

I miss you. I miss Esme. I miss our life together. I miss the person I was before I left. I want to erase all that I've done, but I can't. The blood is on my hands and it will stay there for the rest of eternity! I'm doomed forever. I'm a monster and I don't even know how to stop it. Save me... save me!

March 26th 1931

I have to go home. Tomorrow I'm going home...

March 27th 1931

Tomorrow I will go home!

April 2nd 1931

Yes! Tomorrow I'm going home. I have to!

April 4th 1931

I'm afraid to go home... I can't go home, but I have to. I have to stop, but I don't know how. There is only one way. I HAVE TO GO HOME!

I couldn't believe how long it took him to go back to mom and dad. He simply kept telling himself that he would go, but then he didn't. Why? Dad would never send him away. Dad would forgive him for everything he had done... right?

June 11th 1931.

I went home today. After 4 years I went home. Esme hugged me and kissed my cheek. Carlisle welcomed me back with open arms. I don't deserve their love. I don't deserve any of it, but they give it to me anyway.

June 15th 1931

My eyes are no longer red, but my features still disgust me. It's the face of a killer, disguised as a saint. Who am I kidding? I can never erase all that I have done. There is no path of redemption for me.

Only darkness. The darkness still surrounds me.

Carlisle and Esme are trying to help me, but they can't. It's impossible. I can't be saved.

They wanted to move to a new place and start over... maybe that's not such a bad idea. Not that I will be miraculously cured, but at least I can pretend to...

July 6th 1931.

We moved today. To New York. Carlisle has lived here before, for a short while, before he turned me... I have been here before, but I try not to think about that too much.

Carlisle became the new local doctor and Esme his loving wife and I pretend to be her younger brother. It seems a little strange, but it's a necessary evil.

Evil... How can I still use that word so carelessly? As if these past few years have taught me nothing! I pretend I have changed, but I haven't. I'm still the same monster. The same ruthless killer I have always been. Ever since I became what I am... Ever since I left-

I dropped the journal went I heard a disturbance behind me. I was still shaking and I was afraid to turn around, knowing what I would find. My cheeks were sticky from all the tears I had cried and my heart was hammering against my ribcage while my breathing reached chaotic levels.

Then I heard it; Edward's voice.

'' Bella, '' he choked and I closed my eyes in terror. '' What have you done?! ''


WAAAH! And on top of that I'm breaking my streak of ending it on a happy note and leave you hanging instead! I'm such a meanie! And it's Christmas! I'm awful, I know! I will update again very soon, because I can't wait to see what happens next either! I don't yet, because I'm kind of making this whole story up as I go.. everything is a surprise for me as well. O.o Please let me know your thoughts and leave a review, good or bad.

Well, MERRY CHRISTMAS! despite my disturbing and mean chapter.. I hope you all have a wonderful days filled with love and family and love and friends and love and .. AWESOME FOOD!

I will update again very, very soon, so don't worry!

TTFN! X