Chapter 223: Progression

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." – Frederick Douglass

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb. I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come. But I can rest only for a moment, for with freedom comes responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not yet ended." – Nelson Mandela

"Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow." – Plato

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change." - Carl Rogers


Barnett smiled back at her as she opened the door, "Hello Sydney."

"Hi Dr. Barnett," she said, allowing her to step in the house.

"Bedroom?" Barnett asked.

"Yep," Sydney said, shutting the door and watching as Barnett made her way to the bedroom. Barnett closed the door and Sydney stood for a moment, thinking, before she too walked off; her place for the time being – the den.

She sat for a moment, thinking more about Vaughn, smiling before she turned on the computer and navigated her way through the Internet system to access the CIA mainframe. She pulled a stack of the files that had started to collect dust over and tried to reacquaint herself to what they had been reading.

Barnett smiled as she walked in the room and closed the door, "Hello Michael."

"Hi," Vaughn replied.

"How are you today?"

"I'm pretty good."

"How've things been going here?"

"Well I spent a lot of the weekend in the hospital – but it's been better actually."

"Why were you in the hospital?"

"Well after the night terror that I don't remember, pain was sort of unbearable, so Tom came over and we had to go get x-rays and I wound up needing surgery."

"I assume the surgery went okay. How was it going back to the hospital?"

"Surgery went fine," Vaughn paused a moment, "It was different this time around. I mean; Tom's great and he sort of has this knack for keeping your mind off of things. I had a flashback when they took the first x-rays, so that...well wasn't pleasant, but afterwards...I don't know, I guess I just decided I had to start making the choices. Use my fear differently, as Sydney says. But it was liberating in a sense, to be in control. I haven't felt that in a while."

Barnett smiled, "That's quite a positive attitude you've finally taken. I'm very proud that you've decided to start making your own choices, not to let your fear control you. How did you get through the flashback you had?"

"Pretty much it was just Sydney, as always. She just told me that I was ok, that they couldn't hurt me, that it was just a flashback. It didn't last very long actually."

Barnett smiled knowingly, "You're getting better Michael."

Vaughn grinned but looked down, "Well it doesn't usually feel like it. It was all Sydney again – if she wouldn't have been there it wouldn't have turned out that way."

"I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes. The fact that your flashback didn't last very long is testament to the fact that you're getting better. It didn't last long because you didn't allow it to. You're learning to redirect your feelings. Whether you believe it's all Sydney's doing or not, you're learning. She might be helping you through it, but she can't make you do those things. You do it yourself. She's just the reason you try so hard."

Vaughn smiled but he didn't say anything.

Barnett paused and then asked, "Speaking of Sydney, how is she doing through all of this?"

Vaughn smiled, "She's good. She says she's very proud of me," he replied, beaming.

"As well she should be. You're doing well Michael."

"She likes to analyze how everyone has changed because of what happened to me."

"And how do you feel about her analysis of them?"

Vaughn chuckled, "Well...I'm not convinced, but I can see how it affects everyone around us."

"Is that good or bad?"

"I'm not sure. I guess it's good. They see things differently."

"It's always nice to see something positive come from darkness. The more people that understand, the easier it will be to heal."

"I guess," Vaughn said, pausing, before continued, "I just have this fear that when I go back to work, people's 'understanding' will turn into pity. That they'll all know what happened and then try to overcompensate, walk on eggshells. Or that I'll have some flashback in the middle of the Ops Center or worse on a mission and get somebody killed."

Barnett nodded, "That's understandable, but most people you're around in the Ops Center have been here with you since the beginning and they've expressed that they don't feel pity. They're proud and impressed and understanding. You're always going to have a few who think you should be handled with 'kid gloves,' but overall, there won't be pity. It's not an easy thing to survive prolonged torture, and trust me when I tell you that CIA agents understand that better than anyone. Most have been tortured or hurt in some way as well, and they remember how much they didn't want anyone's pity. The worse that'll happen is they empathize with you, and that's not a bad thing. They understand it. Anyone who joins the Agency knows there's always the possibility of something like this happening, it's not going to come as a shock to anyone. As for having flashbacks, well that's just a part of healing. You can't let that stop you from living your life. If you do, then they've won Michael. You're doing a good job dealing with flashbacks, you focus on getting better, and you're going to continue to get better. By the time you're back to being field rated, you'll be an ace at dealing with random flashes. I can't promise that you won't have flashbacks at inopportune times, but I can promise you that I wouldn't clear you unless I had every faith that you could overcome them quickly if they occurred."

"Well that's reassuring," Vaughn said sincerely.

There was a pause before he asked, "What about these night terrors. Sydney told me what happened, but I don't remember anything, and we've been too caught up in hospital business to really find anything out about them. Sydney was really scared."

"It's extremely common not to remember having night terrors, so don't worry about the fact that you can't remember. Very few actually do. It's never actually been determined why people have night terrors, nor how to stop them. A lot of kids will have night terrors when they're little and then they just stop. No one knows if they grow out of them or what. Adults can have one or two their entire life and then never again. We don't know. They're essentially like sleepwalking, except it's okay to wake a person having a night terror. You're technically still asleep when you have one even if you're sitting up or standing and your eyes are open. I know Sydney was scared; they're scary to witness. Mostly because they're loud, they're hard to wake up from, and you don't know why they happen."

"Well do you think this is torture related? Am I going to have more of these? I had that one right after I spent a significant amount of time thinking and writing about torture."

"It's hard to say. It could be torture related, it could be stress related, it could just be a different type of release your body needed. I don't know if you're going to have more or not. If you do, you can take a small comfort in the fact that Sydney is more prepared to handle them now. I know, it's not all that comforting since you've been through so much already, but I honestly can't say if you'll have another one or not. I told Sydney I'd bring a book for you to read about night terrors, it's called The Terror That Comes in the Night: An Experience-Centered Study of Supernatural Assault Traditions by David J. Hufford," Barnett said handing it to him, "Maybe it'll help you a little."

Vaughn accepted the book, "Thanks."

"There's also a great website, I'll write it down for you, but I also sent Sydney a link. It has some first hand accounts of night terrors, it might help you understand."

"Ok…thank you."

Barnett smiled, "I think we'll cut this session a little short, okay? You need your rest Michael. Remember to write in your journal if you're up to it."

"Ok. Thank you again, Dr. Barnett…for everything."

"Have a good afternoon. I'll see you Wednesday," Barnett said, walking to the door.

"Ok."

Barnett walked out of the bedroom and called to Sydney on her way out, "Goodbye Sydney, I'll see you on Wednesday."

Sydney called back, "Bye!" and looked at the clock. Her brow furrowed and she bolted to the bedroom. Vaughn was awkwardly paging through a book, his brow mirroring hers, but his was obviously in concentration.

"Vaughn?" she asked, coming further into the room and sitting on the bed.

He smiled at her as his eyes looked up, "Hi."

"Hi," she said smirking, "You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said confused.

"That was just…sort of short…the session…"

Vaughn smiled again, "She let me off the hook cause I had surgery…said I needed to rest."

"Ah," Sydney replied nodding. "Good."

"Why?"

"I was worried…maybe…I don't know…I thought…I was worried," she finished with.

"You were worried?"

"Yeah…that maybe you were upset or something…"

"No, I'm ok…" he said reassuringly.

"K," she said taking a deep breath, "What are you reading?"

"Barnett gave me a book on night terrors…"

"Oh shit, I think she sent me an email with a site link too…"

"Yeah, she wrote it down for me."

"Ok…" Sydney watched a minute as he flipped through a few more pages of the book. "What does it say?"

He chuckled, "Well…lots…" he paused, "I just hope I don't have any more…for your sake."

"Vaughn, it's ok…"

He looked up at her, "No I don't think so…"

"But I'll know what it is now…"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I want you to have to go through it again."

"Well, it's no picnic for you either."

"But I don't remember it…"

Sydney gave him a lopsided smile, "The book won't make them stop."

"No…I know…just want to understand…maybe I should check out the site, that'd be easier for me to manage."

"You want me to stay?"

"It's ok…I should do some journaling too…" he trailed off.

Sydney smiled and kissed his forehead, "Ok…you do some journaling…I'll do some work in the den. Sound like a plan?"

"Yeah…ok…"

Sydney kissed him again before walking out of the bedroom and settling at her own computer.

She'd been working for about an hour when she thought she should check on Vaughn. She looked at the bottom of her screen and smiled, getting a different idea for how to 'check up' on him…