Chapter 28


"Nick knows."

"Knows? About you and Manny? How?"

"It's a long story but I told him the truth."

"Maybe it's for the best. Now you don't have any secrets and you can try to rebuild."

"That's what I've been telling myself; well trying to at least. Casey he's so angry, I don't know what to do!"

"You're going to give it time."

"He agreed that we shouldn't tell Zara anything just yet but that didn't stop him from walking out; I don't even know where he's staying."

"Liv, I'm sure that right now it's just a shock to his system but once he comes around-"

"He said today that if these babies aren't his he won't even try! I've been telling myself for six weeks that they are by what if I'm wrong? Am I supposed to depend on his asshole of a brother? I'd be better off as a single mom!"

"To three kids? Liv, you gotta slow down okay? You are not going to lose Nick, even if these babies aren't his. He loves you, and more than that, he's a good man. He's gonna be there for you. But more importantly, he's gonna forgive you."

"You didn't see him Casey; you didn't hear him. I hurt him more than I even knew I did. He's devastated."

"Oh honey." She said and put her arm around Olivia. God I can't believe this is you!"

"It's the pregnancy." Olivia defended, trying to downplay her needy behavior. Casey was right. She'd never been like this before. It's like having Nick, loving him, being a part of him and his family changed her. Now, just the thought of being without him, without Zara reduced her to a mess and she didn't like it. Where was strong, independent Olivia Benson? Although she guessed that she'd be coming back sooner than she hoped. She had to. If Nick was adamant about walking away she had to prepare herself, prepare her heart.

"It's the love; and there's nothing wrong with that. But I still don't get it, Liv. What does any of this have to do with why you asked me to stay away from Manny?"

"Casey, he raped me. And this time, it wasn't just my mind playing tricks on me."


Getting back to work, all that morning and throughout the day, she felt jumpy. Not only because she had finally taken the paternity test, or because she still had a week before she would find out the results. No, there was something else and she didn't know what. But that was before Manny came walking into the squad room around three and suddenly, she knew exactly what.

"Liv, isn't that Nick's kid brother?" Munch asked and Olivia turned around, shocked. "He looks like somebody used his face as a punching bag!"

"I'm gonna talk to him outside." Olivia said as she hurried over to him before he could reach her. "What the hell are you doing?" She asked him trying to keep her voice down but she was upset as she walked out into the hall with him following.

"You never called me!"

"Never called-" She looked around and saw the two officers that were standing at either end of the hallway and ducked into a side room with him. "I'm never going to call because I'm done!" She said, still in a hushed tone.

"Done? After last night?" Speechless for a minute, she looked at him like he had two heads. Was he serious? She asked herself in her disbelief, but decided that it was better to leave it. Nothing else could be said.

"You know what? Don't come here agai-"

"I just wanted to know what time should I be there for the test? You still haven't told me where; 'I scramble your brain that day?" He laughed.

It wasn't even a full week ago the last time she cheated on Nick. She went to that hotel room and very willingly gave herself to Manny and she enjoyed every second of it until it ended. It's funny, she recalled quite recently when a statement like the one he just made would have had her panties wet. But that was before he forced her into sex. Fast forward to this past Saturday night… "It's been taken care of."

"What do you mean it's been taken care of? You can't have a test without me! Nick is my brother, which means, you have to get samples from us both, so tell me again how it's been taken care of."

"I'm not talking about this! I told you yesterday that we don't have anything more to say to one another, you shouldn't even be-"

He was pretty high that day, so it took him a while but suddenly, it came to him. "You took my toothbrush head, didn't you?!" But she just stood there, glowering at him. "answer me!"

She was mad as hell but she spoke calmly. Refusing to let him see how angry he made her. "I didn't want you there, just like I don't want you here now."

"Is that what this is? You're shutting me out? Did Nick tell you to do this?"

"First of all, nobody tells me to do anything!"

"He forgive you, is that it? Did you fuck him?!"

"Okay; we're done." She said, starting to walk away until he grabbed her arm."

"Don't walk away from me." He threatened, raising his voice and giving her memories. "Don't walk away from me...I said dont walk away from me!" He screamed and pushed the door shut as he grabbed her arm again. She looked down at his hand and spoke up.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." There were two uniformed cops at either end of the hall, right outside this door and one of them poked his head in the room.

"Everything alright in here, Benson?" Officer James asked, his hand on his gun as he looked suspiciously at Manny.

"It's fine…" Olivia said, signaling that all was well. Officer James looked at Manny again before he closed the door, deciding that he believed Olivia.

"What? He gonna arrest me? Shoot me?"

"You'd better be real thankful that I didn't tell these guys, and especially Nick what you did to me."

"What I did to you? What about what you did to me? I gave you my heart and you just treat it like it was nothing. The minute Nick found out about you and I…"

"Don't"

"You can try to demonize this if you want but I did what I did for us!"

"For us? I see, so when you tore and bruised me, you did it for us? You didn't leave marks, you left bruises! What happened between us on Saturday wasn't sex or love, it was rape! You brutalized and raped me and you would have done it over and over if I hadn't hit you with that lamp and gotten the hell out of there!"

"I gave you what you needed, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"Olivia, who did this to you?"

"It's not important."

"It is important. You could have lost these babies."

"Look, I don't wanna fight, okay? Please, Linda, I love you!" He said, reaching for her hand.

"Yeah? Well I don't love you; I never did!" In that moment, he felt like he had been kicked, had his heart stomped on, only he couldn't show it. Not with cops standing 20 feet from them in either direction. He couldn't make her understand what she was doing to him; to them. She was about to open the door when she felt him again. This time he leaned down to her ear and said in a low, almost sinister tone.

"Don't pull any shit with that test. If those are my babies, I'll find out." He buried his nose in her hair, next to her ear and sniffed before he straightened up. For a moment, she froze before she looked back at him and walked out. So scared that she fought with herself not to cry as she walked back toward the squad room with her inner voice screaming at her...

What are you doing? Arrest him! You're the cop! You should throw his ass in jail, let a jury sort it out!

But she just kept walking. Leaving Manny to walk out of the file room with a grin on his face as she bypassed everyone, then went into the locker room to compose herself.


So many questions Nick wanted to ask her this morning but they wouldn't come out and he didn't know if it was him wanting to spare her from the embarrassment of reliving the details. Or, if maybe he still couldn't handle knowing the truth. He did know one thing: seeing the babies today; it messed him up in a way that he wasn't prepared for. He looked at that screen and so many emotions ran through him. Then he started to resent Olivia. How could she put us here? Put these babies here? They deserved better than to be coming into existence with the adults around them in so much turmoil. That brought him right back to the questions he needed answers to but couldn't ask.

Like when exactly did she first fuck his brother and how did it come about? Sure she said it had been two and a half months ago but things like that don't just happen. Or did they? He was tired of wondering but wasn't sure that he could stand knowing just yet.


Olivia got home that night to find Zara already sleeping and after she said goodnight to the nanny. She just stood there against the door, a feeling of hopelessness on her shoulders.

Ever since Manny left, she wondered what, if anything James and Foster may have overheard. She knew that James was ready to take Manny out when he thought there was a problem but she prayed that he or Foster didn't pick up on their conversation.

"What conversation? Nothing you said got through to him." And it was true. He heard what he wanted to; what catered to his sense of right and wrong, which basically boiled down to I want it this way so this is how it goes! And she wondered how he hid that side of himself for so long, or did she just not see it? Then thinking about the last two and a half months, it was easy to see where she went wrong. All of this comes down on Nick. He was left wondering what he did or didn't do to cause this and the truth was, she didn't have a reason for Manny. She loves Nick with her whole heart but she tried to find something, any reason. To say 'This is what you did wrong' then perhaps she could justify the affair but there was no fault with him. Whether making love or just making breakfast, he loved her with every ounce of him and she, she had to repay him by breaking his heart. He'd be right to walk away if these aren't his babies.

"Can we please put this away until tomorrow? I can't think about it anymore!" Scolding herself, she went to her room for a long shower and bed.


"What happened to your face?" The young blonde, Misty asked Manny as she slinked down to sit beside him in the club.

"Long story, one that I'm sure you'd be bored with." He told her while the redhead on the other side of him, poured more champagne and handed it to him. "Thank you baby." He said before he turned back to the blonde. "So, it's my last night in town for a while…who wants to give me a going away present?" He hated that he got called back to Miami so soon! He'd only been here three weeks and as far as he was concerned, he didn't have nearly enough time to get things where he needed them. But it was all good. He'd get some work done in Miami, be back to New York in a week and everything would fall into place.

Life should always be this good.


8 days later...

"...do you have to go to work?" Zara whined as Nick prepared to leave that evening.

"I'm sorry mi amor." Nick said with a kiss her head as he held her close to him. He hated lying to his little girl, but under the circumstances he didn't think she'd understand the truth of the situation. He had a week off from work, a week that he was gonna spend as much time as possible with her. He'd already agreed with Olivia that he'd pick her up from school every day this week and spend the hours in between with her. By their time was slowly winding down as Olivia was to be home in a half hour. "Hey, didn't you have fun at the zoo? You have a half day tomorrow, how about when I pick you up from school we drive up to the orchard and you can pick some apples?"

That sounded like heaven to Zara and she quickly cheered up. "Mommy too?"

"Honey, I don't think mommy will be home from work in time."

"But we always go to pick apples together." She said, now looking at him with sad eyes again and he couldn't help but give in to her.

"Okay, we'll find something else to do tomorrow and we'll go to the orchard with mommy another time."

"Daddy, when the babies come, do you think they'll like going to the orchard?"

"I think when they're old enough. But for now…" He said, kissing and hugging her so tightly. "I gotta go princess. I love you."

"I love you too daddy. Be safe okay?"

"I will baby."


"Nick please!" She begged. "Let's just go home and talk about this, please!" But he just laughed with tears in his eyes before he looked down at her.

"We don't have a home anymore; you made sure of that when you took him to bed! You wanted him so bad?" And he turned to his brother. "Enjoy her, you two deserve each other!" He spat, then walked out.

She wiped her tears as she resumed getting her things together from her drawer but then her mind quickly went to Manny and the rape...

"I put those babies inside you, pledged my love and commitment to you but you still want him?!" He said as he climbed on her back. "What does he have that I can't offer you? I can give you EVERYTHING!" He said angrily as he grabbed the waistband of her jeans. In that moment something finally clicked In her brain and she realized that he was going to rape her as he pulled them down her legs and destroyed her panties as he tore them away. "You are gonna learn to love me Olivia. And you will, I promise. Even if I have to fuck you into submission!" He said before he plunged inside her and began fucking her brutally amidst her tears as he covered her mouth. She cried beneath his hand when he entered her as she was dry and the pain was incredible and she lay there gripping the sheets, unable to believe that this was happening to her…

She said that she was fine and she wouldn't it get to her, but it's been on her mind every day since- especially with the results coming back any day now. What if it turned out that Manny was the father? That's been what's kept her up at night. One day having to explain to her children that their father was an affair who raped her.

She just needed these results to come back so she could put her mind at ease but then again would it really ever be? She'd let a rapist go, scot-free. And for what, to avoid embarrassment? Every day since it happened, she's been running it over and over again in her head, maybe if she would have left faster or just not shown up at all. Maybe she could have snapped out of her shock sooner? Fought him off? Or maybe if she'd never allowed him to put her face-down? In her mind there were so many things she could have done differently but didn't. Even Casey thought she should've had him arrested and begged her to still do it.

"...you can't let him get away with this!"

"So I just admit to the world that I cheated on my husband? Give him even more embarrassment to deal with than he already has?"

"You can't make this about Nick who, by the way will be there for you-"

"Casey I froze! He came at me and I froze! I couldn't fight him or scream… I just lay there and let him rape me. I'd look like a fool!"

"Liv-"

"...and I already accused him once before; I have to let it go…"

"Heading home?" Amanda asked, causing Olivia to come out of her thoughts.

"At last." She said as she turned off her computer. "I'm surprised that you're still here, you were on since yesterday."

"You know how it is when you're single; nothing to fill the time so you work. Hey, you need a ride home?"

"No, but thanks. I brought…" She began saying when the phone rang. She signaled Amanda to hold on. "Special Victims Unit, Benson speaking… Wait, slow down… Where? No no, you did the right thing, just keep her as calm as possible, we'll be right there!" She said and hung up, then turned to Amanda. "We gotta go."

"That didn't sound good."

"Is it ever?"

...

"No, it's okay… yes, I got her… Alright." Nick said before he hung up his phone and turned to Zara who was watching TV. "So, princess. Looks like we won't be taking you to Mrs. Longworth tonight. Mommy's gonna be late so I'm gonna stay with you."

"What about work?"

"I think my boss will understand."

"You're the best daddy!" The five year old said as she climbed on his lap and gave him a big hug. "Can we play Chess?"

"Chess? Where'd that come from?"

"Mommy's been teaching me since last month...I haven't won yet, but I'm getting better; can we play?"

"Sure baby. Why don't you go get your pajamas on and I'll set up."

"Okay." She said before she ran off to her room. Meanwhile, Nick shook his head, never failing to be surprised by Olivia. "Chess...go figure." He laughed.


6:30 ran into 11 o'clock before she'd finally gotten home to find Nick asleep on the couch. Purely out of habit, she was on her way to kiss him awake when she stopped herself mere feet from him.

Old life, Olivia… She told herself. She had a lot to get used to that she didn't want. Most of all, not being able to kiss her husband, even after not having seen him for eight days. Their schedules went like clockwork this past week, so in between her dropping Zara off to school and Nick, picking her up, then leaving before she got home, they never had to see each other. She looked down at him sleeping before she grabbed the cashmere throw and covered him, then excused herself to go check on Zara.

...

A quick shower later and the babies once again steered her towards the kitchen for food. She was so thankful when she found cold Chinese as it was exactly what she'd wanted. She was standing at the counter, eating it out of the box when she heard Nick rustling from across the room, he got up and went to the small bathroom just off the kitchen. Obviously not seeing Olivia who stood there continuing to eat her chicken & broccoli and watching.

He came out a minute later, rubbing lotion on his hands and turned into the kitchen when he saw her.

"Olivia" Damn! Why did seeing her just completely knock him on his ass? He knew it had only been a little over a week but she looked absolutely beautiful, standing there in that blue silk nightgown with her hair flowing down over her shoulder. "I didn't see you there; how've you; I mean are you…"

"I'm okay." She wanted to say a whole lot more, just as he did, but both of them found themselves at a loss for words. "Thanks for staying with Zara…" She said as she picked about the food. "...And for dinner."

"It's nice to see you eating something other than ice cream." He smiled vaguely and she got emotional, her eyes filling with tears that quickly fell.

"I'm sorry. I didn't count on this, on seeing; When I came in that door and saw you sleeping, for a minute I forgot that I cheated and that you hate me and I just ran to kiss you." She cried but Nick just stood there, unsure of what to say. The last thing he wanted was to appear unfeeling, he loved her so much that it physically pained him to know that this was where they were. But this was where they were and he couldn't change it.

"Olivia…"

"I broke us."

"It wasn't all you."

"Don't... This is my fault. We had a life; an incredible one and I ruined it…" Wiping her tears, she left the kitchen and walked over to the living room and sat down.

"Listen to me." He said, meeting her on the couch. "I said some things about these babies out of anger and I didn't mean them."

"No, you were right. I can't, I can't ask you to raise his kids, Nick it would be-"

"You're not asking. The truth is, if Manny's the father, he won't be there for them, and I don't wanna see these babies being used as a means to an end. These babies are gonna need a father and whatever that test says, even if they aren't mine, they're gonna have one, I'll still be here. I promise. We'll make it work."

"What about us? Can we work?"

"Olivia…"

"I'm sorry, that was stupid."

"You know, every day since Saturday, I wake up to this nightmare of you and him only to see that it's real, and it takes everything in me to not kill this man… my own brother!" He felt his tears coming and quickly got up to try and walk them off. He ended up facing the living room window and just stared out. Olivia wanted so desperately to say something but she was left dumb for a moment; sitting there in tears, regretting all that happened over the last two and a half months. She did this. And now Nick was here brokenhearted while Manny wasn't interested in making this right; it all fell on her and in her mind she deserved it! "and I'm not proud to say that for the first time in my life, I understand those urges a man has to wanna…"

She thought back to that Saturday night before he went after Manny. In an instant, he'd grabbed her up by her neck, something he'd never done before to any woman, and choking her with absolute rage! He pulled his hand back to hit her but just as his hand was an inch from her face he stopped and he looked at her. She was terrified and had absolute fear in her eyes. He looked at her, standing there against the wall with her arms wrapped protectively around her stomach, shaking and he snatched his keys from the kitchen counter and turned to leave.

"...that's not the man you are."

"But it's the man I wanted to be. In that moment, I wanted to grab you up and slap you; hard. Hit you until my hurt was gone but I couldn't do it. I saw my mother cowering away from my father, only this time, it was me." He wiped away the tears that slid down his face when he turned around to face her. "I'm sorry." He said in a low voice that was full of regret.

"It's okay."

"I was out of control that night; if I had hit you, I don't know that I could have stopped. That's how angry I was." His tears wear steadily falling. "It's why I walked out. I don't ever wanna hurt you- I couldn't…"

"If I could somehow make this right-"

"I'm gonna go and say goodnight to Zara before I go." He said wiping his tears away. "You got a certified letter, it's on the desk."

"Certified, from who?" She said as she got up and went to the desk to retrieve to letter.

"I don't know, I just signed for it." And he disappeared to the back of the apartment as she tore open the brown cardboard envelope to reveal a letter sized one, but when she turned it over to see who it was from, her heart stopped beating for a moment.

"Nick." She screamed in tears and when he didn't come fast enough, she screamed again. "Nick-" He suddenly came running.

"You almost woke Zara, good thing I shut the doo-"

"The test results!" She cried, holding the envelope and scared to death.


TBC… Please be kind and leave a review.