Chapter 27: You Fools
Vaati shook his bangs away from his face and tried to adjust his vision. He felt something stir next to him, and he heard a groan as Shadow rubbed his eye.
"Ughh, damn, I can't believe we fell for that."
"Shhhh!"
Vaati tapped the groggy Shadow sharply on his shoulder to keep quiet. His ears pricked at the sound of muffled voices speaking in hushed whispers from somewhere in front of him. However, the place was so dark that he couldn't see a thing. In any case, he could at least tell that the floor masters had taken them somewhere outside the castle and perhaps away from Hyrule. The polished wooden floors beneath them were definitely not something Vaati remembered seeing in Hyrule castle. It was too clean and smooth, and he just had a sense that he wasn't in Hyrule anymore.
"How many of them do you think are out there?" He heard Shadow ask regarding the voices they were hearing. The darker Link's hand was gripped around the hilt of his sword. Vaati listened to the voices closely.
"I'm not sure, but I estimate around one hundred or so."
"Nothing we can't handle."
Suddenly, a sharp click caused both of them to turn around abruptly at the noise. As soon as they faced the source of the sound bright beams of light flooded their faces and they stumbled over themselves from the sheer intensity. Sputtering, Shadow Link covered his face to reduce the light hitting his face and squinted through to see what had caused the onslaught of sudden light. He was about to ask Vaati what he thought the circular black things were that were producing it when an explosive cheer erupted around them. Vaati and Shadow exchanged glances.
"What the hell..?"
"…My thoughts exactly."
Before them were about a hundred or so people who were clapping and cheering among a grandstand of seats. They were garbed in weird clothes – some of them in what appeared to be extremely thin tunics in ridiculously bright colors. Vaati was even more shocked by the fact that the people who he had initially took to be men were in fact, women. Actually, the strange people who were cheering them on seemed to not care about what gender they looked like. What is the world coming to? Women dressing and acting like men?
After a few minutes, their audience actually noticed what the two standing in front of them were wearing. The clapping died down and there was an awkward silence as a buzz of confusion swept through the highly acoustic chamber. The lights blacked out hurriedly as though a mistake had been made earlier and someone from the side shuffled over to Vaati and Shadow.
"Come on you two, don't just stand there," the voice said and Vaati and Shadow felt a firm grip on their arms as they were dragged off away from the puzzled faces. Vaati was the first to struggle, but the hand that held him was firm. "You don't want to do that. Just follow me and then you can kill me later 'kay?"
There was a blue glow as a warp opened in front of them. There was something very familiar about that warp portal. It brought back unpleasant memories of armored lizards and oceans and…and…being helplessly without magic…
"Opal?!" Vaati blurted as they materialized to a cluttered room. Shadow Link tripped over some of the many shoes that were lying around and the navy haired girl snickered as she kicked aside some of the micro colonies the paperwork had created. The girl was wearing the same strange tunic-like clothes the people who had been clapping had been wearing along with pants made out of rough blue fabric. Her eyes weren't the unusual blue anymore but a simple green instead, but Vaati recognized her to be the same girl that had given him and Link so much trouble several years ago.
"Yep," she chuckled lightly.
"What happened to your eyes…?" Vaati asked suspiciously.
Opal blanked, and then laughed loudly. "Oh! Hahaha I'm wearing colored contacts! Don't worry, I'm not possessed or anything haha."
"Colored contacts?"
"Don't worry about it. Anyways, why don't you two make yourself comfortable until Fleets is done with being lame." She waved a hand at the girl who was hunched over some sort of flat thing with a bunch of buttons. She had short hair which the sorcerer disapproved of (seriously…what IS with the women trying to look like men?) and had her legs bent up in her chair, and Vaati noticed that every time she pushed a button a letter appeared on the flat object's softly glowing surface. She snapped tiredly in protest that she wasn't being lame. Opal crossed her arms in front of her and tapped her foot impatiently. "Of course you're lame, lame-o. You promised we were going to go see Cirque du Soleil today." She turned to the bewildered looking Shadow. "Aw shucks, I'm sorry. I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Opal, and though you might not know me I know a great deal about you. I also know Sir Grumpy quite well."
Shadow blinked, Vaati huffed, and the girl who had been typing away on her computer sprang up and shook a not-so intimidating fist in the air. "I never made that promise, and I DID take you to Cirque today because you were bugging me. That's where you picked those two up."
"Pfft, that doesn't count. I didn't see the actual show."
"If you really want to see it, just warp there in the back seat and see it for yourself. Or if you want to pay and see it pay for it yourself. Don't bug me I'm busy."
"See? Lame." She yawned and leaned down onto the carpeted floor after pushing aside some empty water bottles. "So, how are you?"
"What are you doing alive?" Vaati asked. Shadow raised his hand and cut over his question.
"How do you two know each other?"
"We had an affair."
"Ah, that explains why he's annoyed."
"NOT. TRUE." Vaati fumed. "And where in Farore's name is this place?"
Opal shrugged. "You're right. You're not my type girly man." At that moment, the door opened and a certain silver robe floated into the room. "Oh hey Wizz. Fleets called Vaati and Shadow to visit. They want to know what this place is, can you explain for them in simple language?"
"You too?" Vaati sighed.
Shadow perked up, finally recognizing someone. "Wizzrobe! So you couldn't defeat Vaati huh?" He flinched when Vaati mildly threatened him with a glare. The beady yellow eyes focused onto the two, and the robe twirled happily at the notice of visitors.
"Master Shadow, Master Vaati! So you've died as well! Good for you. May I inquire the nature of your deaths?"
"What?!" The two exclaimed simultaneously. Wizzrobe appeared surprised at their reaction.
"My my my, I can't believe you didn't know," he twittered. He turned to Opal. "May I…?"
Opal nodded. "Sure, they have a right to know."
Wizzrobe closed his eyes gravely and raised his robes into the air in a grandeur fashion. Opal walked over to one of the windows and threw open the shades. Young women in scantily clad clothes walked outside walking their dogs and pushing strollers. Wizzrobe let his voice fall slowly to keep their horrified attention. "This, my dear fellows, is the land of angels."
The two visitors slowly let their gaze fall on more of the strange clothed people walking outside in the sun. Besides Gerudos, neither of them had ever seen so many women wearing so little decent clothes. "…oh my goddesses."
There was a loud creak as the girl perched on the chair turned around with a look of disbelief on her face. She arched her brows, and then slumped in her seat in exasperation. "Wizz, Opal, what garbage are you feeding poor Vaati and Shadow?" She shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Anyways, Vaati, Shadow, I'm sorry about those two. They were complaining about being bored and they wanted to see you so I called you over"
"Well isn't that sweet," Vaati remarked sarcastically. He was about to say something sour when he noticed something strange about what the dark haired girl had said. "Wait, did you say call us over? Did you send those floor masters?"
"No. I mean, technically yes. But no, no, it wasn't me!" She bit her lip and edged away to the door behind Wizzrobe and Opal, avoiding Vaati and Shadow's increasingly malevolent stares. "Uh…sorry guys I uh…just remembered I had to go meet something!" She quickly made a dash and leaped out the door, slamming it behind her. Opal and Wizzrobe stopped Vaati and Shadow who had tried to dart after her. The former possessed dragon gave the two a fanged grin and pushed them towards the laptop that Fleets had been using. Wizzrobe jovially assured them to relax and offered some tea which was received by angry objections.
"So are we really dead?" Shadow Link demanded.
"Yes."
"No. Wizz, stop fooling around. They were in a serious situation. They need to fight the king before he destroys all of Hyrule or something uncreative like that."
"You mean still are in a serious situation." Vaati snapped.
"Nah. You guys won't be in a serious situation and will have everything taken care of in," Opal checked a watch wrapped around her wrist, " about two hours."
"By which time both of you will be quite dead and at the bottom of Lake Hylia I assure you," Wizzrobe filled in cheerily.
Shadow cocked his head. "How do you know?" Opal moved over and plopped into the chair Fleets had occupied moments before. She pressed a few buttons and a screen popped up. Vaati and Shadow watched curiously as the words "Microsoft Word" flashed and a digital page with characters filled from top to bottom appeared.
"This," she pointed, "is the entirety of the story of you two, Link, and Zelda until the end of the legend. Fleets was just in the middle of writing it before she left. Basically," she explained, "whatever Fleets writes here happens to you."
Vaati and Shadow were silent. After a while, Vaati finally spoke up.
"I don't believe you."
Wizzrobe snickered. "Denying it won't save you from your fate." The silver robe leaned forward behind Opal to get a better look at the screen. The girl whispered something to him, and then Vaati and Shadow saw him nod. "You can't read what this says, can you?" He asked the two, signifying the strange characters on the screen. They weren't Hylian; Vaati had never in his life seen any language like it. "As a linguistics expert, I can translate this for you if you'd like. Of course, my grasp of this language is not perfect so I will only be able to tell you the general idea of what your futures hold."
"Do it." Shadow commanded.
Wizzrobe cleared his throat and began to read, skimming and skipping over the minor lines. "Erhm…Vaati and Shadow disappeared into the floor as the hands grabbed their ankles and sucked them below."
Vaati and Shadow looked at each other in surprise. They eagerly neared Wizzrobe and crowded around the computer. "That's exactly what had happened!" Shadow exclaimed.
"Calm down, Master Shadow, let me tell you what's coming next," Wizzrobe replied, though sounding quite pleased. He continued on. "Let's see…Ah! When the two came to their senses, they realized that they were in a large open room. There was a person standing in the middle with a sword, an evil grin on his face. The king had been waiting for them. But wait! It wasn't the king. In a moment of shock the true identity of the imposter was revealed."
Vaati and Shadow held their breath.
"Who would have known the king had actually been…the actual real king of Hyrule! Oh the incredible outcome! The king was actually the king! Who could have ever known?"
There was a slightly awkward silence.
"Vaati and Shadow had no time to waste. Shadow drew his sword and made an expert dash towards the imposter who was not. Vaati charged his infamous energy spheres and threw them at the king. But alas! Regicide is a terrible crime punishable by the goddesses. Vaati and Shadow, according to divine punishment, met their deaths by a bolt of divine lightning. Their corpses lay still as stone, lifeless, on the cold marble floor. However, their expressions were peaceful as they were released from the burdens of a painful life. Link fell ill and died from the news of the deaths, and Princess Zelda followed him soon after with her husband's death. Only the young Daeia lived, and she was spared the knowledge of the deaths of the people she loved after a freak accident turned her into an incurable amnesiac.
With the death of the king, Link, Zelda, Vaati, and Shadow Link, Hyrule melted into a time of prosperity for monsters and Hyrulians alike. The goddesses hid the Triforce so as to make sure no one ever got hold of it again. The end!"
Wizzrobe looked around at the blank faces around him. "What a happy ending! You should be elated my good masters."
"That can't be…that can't be true." Shadow Link stuttered. Vaati swallowed and nodded in mute agreement.
Opal yawned. "Huh, you guys are pretty boring. All you do is stand and stare. Off you go then, I had more fun with Wizz." She moused over something on the screen and clicked. As soon as she had done so, Vaati and Shadow Link blinked out of existence, their expressions of surprise the last thing to leave. Once the room was settled again, she kicked herself off of the chair and jumped onto the half-made bed. Wizzrobe floated over and sat down next to her as much as a robe could.
"So Miss Opal, what did you think of my story?"
Opal giggled. "Eh, you could've made it less obvious that you were making most of that up."
"I tried, I tried. I'm not much of a storyteller I'm afraid. Fleets is much better at it than I; I wish I could read English or she could write Hylian." The silver robe huffed haughtily. "Still, you must give me credit for trying. I believe my ending was quite happy."
"Wizz, let's watch more movies together ok? Then you'll know the difference between a happy ending and a crappy ending."
"Movies? More of what do you call those…'chick flicks' again?"
"You really are catching on with the lingo in this world even though you'd only been here for a couple of weeks."
"Thank you."
"Anyways, tomorrow. We're doing a Disney marathon so you get a clear idea of what a ridiculously happy story sounds like."
"What was wrong with mine? Hyrule became prosperous. Those two also seemed to believe me, too, so I must've been at least a decent storyteller."
"One, everyone died in your story and the one key person alive turned cuccoo. Two, unlike wizzrobes who see themselves as a unit of creatures instead of one individual, people like us take individual deaths quite seriously."
"Yes, you people do take deaths quite personally."
"Poor fellows. Did you see their faces? They were so much under pressure that they believed most of your story."
"I still don't think my story was sad."
There was a knock on the door and a ruffled looking face peeked through between the door's cracks. Once she was sure Vaati and Shadow had gone, she hopped into the room and slumped down beside the two chattering monsters.
"Those two looked too out of it so I sent them back," Opal explained.
Fleets nodded in acknowledgement.
"I told them what was going to happen to them," Wizzrobe mentioned.
Fleets fell into a fit of coughing. "What?!" Opal and Wizzrobe laughed.
"Ha, don't worry, neither of us could read English so Wizz made stuff up and told what was going to happen to them."
Fleets shook her head. "You guys," she sighed.
Wizzrobe watched her carefully as she gathered a pile of mess on the floor and moved it around the room to make a neater pile of mess. "So what is going to happen to them anyway?" he asked.
Fleets continued her work in moving messes to what she claimed was 'cleaning' her room. "Everyone but Daeia dies. Daeia gets amnesia. The end."
Now it was Wizzrobe and Opal's turn to fall silent in shock. Fleets laughed at their gaping jaws. "Haha! Gotcha, April Fools!"
"Ah, I had hoped that I had finally mastered the art of clairvoyance," Wizzrobe sounded rather disappointed. Opal grumbled under her breath.
"Lighten up, let's go do something. I'm tired of writing," the author linked arms with the two retired characters of her project and dragged them out the room. Opal perked up at the mention of rollerblading and the voice of Wizzrobe suggesting tennis could be heard. Wizzrobe's suggestion was politely shot down with the other two bringing up the fact that he could summon multiple images of himself to guard the court.
Fleets' room quickly became quiet with the departure of the raucous three. The room was still the mess it had been before and the screen on the laptop slowly dimmed as it shut itself down. On the screen was the saved copy of the future adventures of Vaati, Shadow, Link, and Daeia in the world of Hyrule. The bottom of the chapter was typed as such:
Here's to the chapter that doesn't belong, here's to the chapter that never happened. Here's to an hour of fun and silliness, and here's to some time wasted. But here's to the hints of what may occur, and here's to one last message from the author on this fine spring day. April Fools (not really).
fleets: April Fools special. Gave me an excuse to write Wizz and Opal again. :D
Because this isn't an actual chapter, review replies are going to be in the next actual chapter when explaining some things may be easier for me with the new info that (may or may not) come.
