A/N: Thanks to Professor Chris for the review of the last chapter. As I only posted the chapter last night that was the only review I have yet received. So I will go ahead and thank everyone who has reviewed since then! I came across this short monologue today and I thought I would share it with you. You can follow the link here:
http:/www (dot) recoveryourlife (dot) com/forum/showthread (dot) php?p=1923403#post1923403
Warnings For This Chapter: cutting, sexual situations
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Sometimes we put up walls. Not to keep people out but
to see who cares enough to knock them down.
- Chuck Palahniuk
Professor Sprout handed Ginny's essay back to her. She leaned over and told her softly, "You can do much better, Miss Weasley."
After all the hard work she had put into that essay, she had gotten a 'Dreadful'. Ginny forced back her tears and pressed her wrist into the table hard. A week had passed and she had cut three times. Each time, Ginny had refused to talk to anyone about it. Draco had cornered her the first time outside of the Great Hall, much as he had done the time prior, but Ginny managed to get away. He hadn't tried to talk to her about it since. Instead, Draco gave her the space she needed. Unfortunately, she had also tried to hide the last two times from Harry. The first she had gone to Harry after she had done it. Her wrist was still bleeding and Harry bandaged it, as always. That night, he had held her until she fell asleep. She didn't cry. Ginny was too detached to cry. Instead, she laid quietly in his arms, her mind blank.
The two times after that, Ginny cut her upper arm. She was able to wear normal clothes, so she didn't raise any suspicions. The last time, Harry noticed she wasn't acting like herself. It tipped him off. That and the way she flinched every time the strap to her rucksack slipped off her shoulder and pulled tight against her arm. He had finally had enough and confronted her.
"Ginny, I know you hurt yourself. Now talk to me!" Harry turned her around to face him. He had led her up to his dormitory, leading Ginny to believe he wanted to spend some time alone with her. Instead, he wanted to talk.
"I don't want to talk, Harry. Just leave me alone." Ginny tried to escape his grasp.
"No. No!" Harry pulled her over to his bed, forcing her to sit down. He knelt down in front of her. Taking her hand in his, Harry played with her engagement ring. His mother's ring. "Damn it, Ginny, I love you. I love you so much. I feel like you don't trust me. Why don't you trust me?"
Ginny's face softened at his confession. "I do trust you, Harry. More than anything, more than anyone. If I can't trust you, then who can I trust?"
"Then why did you keep this from me? Why?" A tear fell down Harry's cheek. He stared at his feet, his face contorted in pain.
"I didn't want to talk about it. After what happened with Draco before . . . I thought you'd make me talk about it. I wasn't ready to. I didn't want to hurt you." Ginny cupped his face in her hand. "Surely you know I trust you. You know I love you."
Slowly, Harry nodded. "I know," he whispered.
Ginny reached for his hand and pulled him to sit beside her. She kissed him on the lips softly, before she wrapped her arms around him and buried her head in his chest.
"I promise I won't keep it from you again. I promise." Ginny tilted her head up and kissed his chin.
"Can't you promise not to do it again?" Harry asked so softly Ginny had to strain to hear him.
"You know I can't. Not now. Not yet," Ginny whispered sadly.
Harry nodded. "Yeah, I know."
The sadness in his voice haunted her. Ginny tilted his head up, forcing him to look her in the eyes.
"I love you," Ginny whispered.
"I love you too." Harry smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes.
"Come here, you." Ginny pulled him closer. She placed multiple soft kisses on his lips. Harry wrapped his hand in her hair, crushing his mouth to hers. As Harry kissed her with more passion, a slow fire began to burn throughout Ginny's entire body. She felt herself let go of all conscious thought and allowed her instincts, her feelings, to take over. Harry took her wrist and placed a soft kiss over the two wounds there, and then the two wounds on her upper arm.
He laid her down on the bed, stretching his body out above hers. Harry's hands roamed up and down her body as his mouth left her lips and made its way across her jaw to her neck. Harry nipped and suckled on the soft skin of Ginny's throat. She took a deep shuddering breath, tilting her neck to give him better access. Harry removed his mouth long enough to pull Ginny's shirt over her head, before he claimed her lips roughly with his own. His hands moved up to cup her breasts through her bra.
"Love me, Harry," Ginny whispered in his ear.
Harry complied.
Ginny was shaken from her memory when Colin Creevey bumped into her, on his way out of the green house.
"Sorry, Ginny!" he called over his shoulder before he hurried out.
Ginny ignored him, shoving her books in her rucksack and following her classmates out of the green house. She hurried up the slope back to the castle. Ginny sighed when she saw Harry, Ron and Hermione waiting on her.
"Hey, how was class?" Harry asked.
"Good." Ginny pecked him on the lips. "I'd better go. Snape won't hesitate to give me detention if I'm late."
Ginny gave his hand a squeeze before she hurried off down the corridor. Harry watched her, confused.
"What's up with her?" Ron asked.
"She doesn't want detention." Harry tried to convince himself. "Come on, we shouldn't be late either. You know how McGonagall is."
Ron and Hermione exchanged a look before following Harry.
H/G
Ginny threw her stuff on the floor in the girl's washroom. She locked the stall door behind her, leaning against it. Ginny finally let go, allowing her tears to escape. Five minutes passed. Ginny finally unlatched the door, grabbed her bag and went to the sink. She put her stuff down on the counter and sighed, looking into the mirror. Her eyes were red from crying, her hair falling out of her ponytail. Ginny splashed her face with water.
"Ginny?" Ginny whirled around to see Nena behind her. She hadn't heard her come in. "Are you all right?"
"Yeah. Fine." Ginny wiped her face dry with her sleeve.
"What happened?" Nena asked, taking a few steps closer.
"Nothing. Just overwhelmed, you know? O.W.L.s are coming up." Ginny knew the excuse was weak, but at the moment it was all she could think of.
Nena hopped up on the counter, motioning for Ginny to do the same. She did, leaning back against the mirror. "The professors definitely aren't giving us any slack, are they?"
"No." Ginny smiled softly. "They aren't."
Ginny rubbed at her eyes again. Suddenly Nena gasped. "What happened?"
Ginny looked down in alarm to find her sleeve had ridden up. Her wound from the week before was beginning to heal. The scab was falling off at either end, leaving an angry red mark. The cut from this week was still fresh. Self-consciously, Ginny pulled her sleeve down.
"Nothing. Ron's owl is a ball of energy, always overexcited. He wasn't too careful when he brought me some mail the other day." Ginny lied.
"It doesn't look like nothing, Ginny. And that doesn't look like an owl did it, either." Nena observed.
"So?" Ginny retorted. "What business is that of yours?"
"Did you know I'm a half-blood?" Nena asked suddenly. Ginny looked at her, puzzled. Slowly, she shook her head. "Well, I am. My mother is a Muggle. She wanted me to attend primary school like Muggle children. I was thirteen when I found out my Muggle best mate slit her wrists. She had tried to kill herself."
A few moments passed before Ginny spoke. "I'm sorry."
Nena nodded. "It was a while ago. I still talk to her. We're good friends. The thing is that she felt she couldn't talk to me anymore because I had gone off to 'private' school. She thought we weren't friends anymore. Her father abused her, and me leaving was like the last straw. Jenna was in a lot of pain. She finally attempted suicide. Thankfully, it all stopped after that." She paused, thinking. "You know, if you feel . . . like you can't go on . . . well, you can talk to me. I promise I won't judge you."
Nena didn't wait for her to answer. She slid down off the sink and made to leave the room.
"Nena, wait!" Ginny called out. Nena turned around slowly. "I don't . . . I'm not suicidal or anything."
Nena walked back over to the counter, sitting down beside Ginny. She stared straight ahead, not looking at her, just waiting for her to explain.
"I just . . . the pain, it's too much sometimes." Ginny sighed. "I don't know how else to cope."
Nena nodded thoughtfully. "Does Harry know?"
"Yeah," Ginny whispered. "My family too. And Draco and Hermione."
"What do they think?" Nena asked.
"Harry's very . . . supportive. He helps me through it when I have the urges and after I have done it. He even bandages my wounds." Ginny paused. "My mum and dad worry about me. A lot. They even had Dumbledore arrange for me to talk to a Mental Healer. At first it was once a week, now I go every three weeks.
"My eldest brother, Bill – he's my favorite – he's talked to me about it a few times. I don't like discussing it. I feel like I've disappointed him. He has a lot on his plate too. His wife is expecting twins. Alianora Ginevra and Elaina Gabrielle." Ginny smiled. "I'm going to be a godmother."
Nena returned her smile. "That's wonderful. Congratulations."
"Thanks." Ginny shook her head slightly before she continued. "It's funny how Bill used to cut up with my other brother, Charlie. They're best friends. Charlie's fiancée is expecting too, a little boy. They're naming him Declan Charles. They've both grown up now that they're going to be fathers. Of course, Fleur and Anneliese know too. Fleur, that's Bill's wife, well she hasn't spoken to me about it. Bill's told me she does care for me and she wants me to get better. She even cried when Bill told her. Anneliese and I write back and forth. She's been through something similar. I really like her. She's perfect for Charlie.
"Percy, of course, doesn't know anything. He's estranged from the family right now. Remember all the stuff the Daily Prophet printed about Harry, last year?" Nena nodded. "Yeah, well he believed it all. Needless to say, we don't speak to him.
"Fred and George aren't really the serious types, but they let me know they care in their own way. They honestly make it easier. As far as I know, their girlfriends don't know. I hope it stays that way for now. The more people that know, the harder it is for me. It makes me feel even more pressure to quit."
"Do you want to quit?" Nena asked.
Ginny thought for a moment. "I don't want my children to be born knowing that their mother intentionally hurts themselves. I don't want them to ask me about my scars, or even worse the cuts. I don't want Alianora knowing either, but there's only so much I can do. I promised Bill I'd try to stop before she's born. Allie doesn't deserve a godmother who could accidentally kill herself."
Nena nodded. "And the others?"
Ginny sighed. "Ron's really awkward about it all. He tries to be there for me, but he does it the wrong way. Whenever he asks me if I'm okay, and I don't answer, he just pushes. Hermione's really good about trying to stop him. Of course, he knows well enough to listen. And Hermione, well, she confronted me a month ago. Demanded I give her my . . . well my things. I refused and we got in this huge fight. I hurt myself that night. She confronted me again, last week, but not the same way. She was more supportive.
"And that leaves Draco. He found out a month ago. It was the same day he came to Harry for help. He saw my scars and actually told me it was 'fucked up' that I did it to myself. After I stopped Harry from attacking him, I told him everything. Draco wants to help me, I'm just not too sure how to talk to him about it yet. He confronted me last week, when I did it. We got in this huge fight. But I think maybe now . . . I can begin to trust him with this. Not to mean I didn't trust him. I do . . . just . . . I wasn't ready to talk to him about it."
"And you are with me?" Nena asked.
"Well, you shared your story with me." Ginny paused to think. "And I'm working on trusting people with this part of me."
"That's good. You know, if you need to talk to me, come find me. Even if you have to wait outside the Slytherin common room or send me an owl. I wouldn't use Ron's though." Nena smiled.
"Thanks." Ginny returned her smile. "I really do appreciate it. The more people I have who support me . . . well Harry seems to think it'll help me overcome this."
"I think he's right." Nena grinned wider. She glanced down at her watch. "Oh no. We missed Potions."
"Do you want to go to lunch?" Ginny asked.
"I'd like that." Nena grabbed her bag and followed Ginny out of the bathroom.
