EPISODE 28
'Your sword looks pathetic!' Ganju utters as he looks at Yumichika's blade. 'It looks like the type of knife farmers use to cut crops! I mean, come on! That's a lame ass design!'
Yumikchika raises an eyebrow and clicks a button on his sword. Suddenly, a number of blade spring out from the handle like a fan, making Ganju yelp and jump back. He stares at the sword in awe.
'Wow,' he breathes.
'You were saying?' Yumichika exclaims smugly.
'I'm sorry, but I simply cannot wear this outfit, Urahara, it is not beautiful enough,' Yumichika remarks insipidly.
'Dude, what's up with being obsessed with beauty?' Ichigo says in exasperation. 'I know it's part of your character but you don't have to act like that off camera as well! I mean, are you gay or something?'
'Yes,' Yumichika answers without hesitation. Ichigo blinks stupidly and turns red.
'Oh, uh, well, if you put it like that then…uh,' Ichigo babbles as he stumbles out of the room.
'Some people can be so ugly sometimes,' Yumichika sighs.
'Now do a close up of Yoruichi the cat,' Urahara instructs the cameraman. 'And then-OH GROSS! GROSS! CAN SOMEONE STOP THE CAT FROM LICKING ITS BUTT! AW, COME ON! I DID NOT WANT A ZOOM ON THAT!'
'If you're looking for a murderous intent then why don't you look at my bow,' Uryu says gravely as he stands with his Quincy bow. 'It's a thrill…I'd love to give you.'
'GAAAYYYYY!'
'ICHIGO! GANJU! GET OFF THE FUCKING SET RIGHT NOW!'
'Now, Orihime, I want you to look lovingly at Uryu because he's so strong and brave!' Urahara explains.
'Why?'
'Because he's changed!'
'Why?'
'Because he wants to get stronger!'
'Why?'
'Because he-oh, forget it! Just pretend he's a giant toasted bagel with octopus and mustard filling!'
'Oooooo!' Orihime looks at Uryu with wide eyes.
'Uhhhh…Orihime? You got a little drool,' Uryu utters as he backs away, slightly creeped out.
'You made it, Ichigo! Okay, I need you to stand in the middle of all these people who are going to attack you, okay?' Urahara says as he navigates Ichigo to the center of a crowd of evil looking extras.
'Uh, Urahara? Where'd you get these guys from?' Ichigo says nervously as some of the guys wink at him and even lick their lips.
'Craig's List. Why?'
'Oh, fuck…'
'Oh! Is this the rape scene? Wait! Lemme get ma popcorn before ya start!' Gin squeals and quickly runs off.
'So what kind of Captain design do you have for Squad 12?' the producer asks Urahara as they wait for the next person to audition.
'Well,' Urahara ponders, 'he has to be a mad scientist. But not too over the top. Just creepy enough to-!'
'YES! I FINALLY HAVE YOU TO MYSELF!' screams a crazy man in weird make-up and oddly shaped white hat. 'Give me your blood sample so I can create the most dangerous human in the world! Then I can create clones and make the recreate human community into my ideal world! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!'
Everyone in the room stares. Except the producer who has fainted from fright.
'YOU'RE HIRED!' Urahara shouts excitedly. 'What's your name by the way?'
'Mayuri Kurotsuchi!' the man says. 'So does this mean I'm a member of Evil Scientists R Us Association?'
'Uhhhh…sure!'
The camera shows a scene of Rukia in her cell. And a drawing of Chappy the Rabbit on the side.
'RUKIA! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO STOP DRAWING ON THE WALLS?'
'But it's sooo cute! How can you say no to Chappy!'
'Like this: NO!'
'Meanie!'
BONUS: ENDING CREDITS
'Let's put Yoruichi on Ichigo's head!' Orihime remarks as she drops the cat on Ichigo's head.
'No, no, no-AHHHHH!'
The cat begins to scratch and bite Ichigo, making him run all over the place and sending everyone crashing in odd corners.
'ORIHIME!' everyone yells.
Kenpachi swings his sword forward. It knocks the camera down and cracks it.
'Damn it! Why do we even do that scene?' Urahara complains. 'Someone always knocks the camera down and breaks it! Why can't people be more careful around here!'
'Why can't you be smarter?' the cameraman mutters.
'I WANT CANDY!'
'Yachiru, I don't have candy so can you just do this scene,' Urahara begs.
'I WANT CANDY NOWWWW!'
...
The camera shows a close up of Yachiru smiling and looking all googly-eyed.
'Awwww!' the entire crew coos.
'If they only knew,' Urahara whimpers pathetically.
'Yayyy! I like this scene!' Yachiru claps her hands.
'What scene?' Ikkaku asks. Yachiru gives an evil grin.
'This scene!' she laughs and jumps on his face with her feet.
'What the-?' Yumichika yelps before Yachiru jumps on his face too.
'Little she-devil…' Ikkaku mutters.
