Chapter 28:
The City of Towers as it was called could be seen for miles across Ooo's tortured landscape. Row upon row of the massive castle-keeps that were the city's namesake dotted the land, filling the sky with their twisted, jagged forms. In Warrior Kingdom, only the poor and indigent lived in anything like a normal house.
Finn rode into town and down the main street past massive columns of stone and under giant stone fortresses. He passed hundreds of people going about their business with swords or daggers on their hips. The town guard went through the motions, patrolling the streets by ones and twos. With no princess, they often went without pay for weeks, and they were notoriously corrupt. Finn did his best not to draw attention as he closed on the location of the target.
Erickson was one of the bigger players in Ooo's underworld. He was a bad boy with a habit of muscling in on thugs in other kingdoms. He used the chaos in Warrior Kingdom as a shield. There were only a handful of judges still alive and none stupid enough to sign papers sending Erickson to the Candy Kingdom. Finn had despaired of ever laying hands on him. He'd been off limits until today. The Guard Captain almost hoped he did get jiggy. It would be a pleasure to smash his nards.
Finn stopped short of Erickson's club and parked his bike in an alley, paying off one of the locals for the privilege. Then he headed off to do some sneaking and peeking. He would only get one good shot at this. He needed to be sure he got in and out of what was obviously a trap. Then he could see about going on the offensive. Steady up, Finn, he told himself. Things were going to get a lot worse before they got better.
Finn's kids were no better off than Finn was with Fionna passing an especially unpleasant day sitting in the dark on the filthy floor of a cell in the Thief King's dungeon. She sat for hours pondering her life and wondering why Glob seemed to hate her. She didn't understand it. She didn't get any of it. She'd been a good girlfriend to Bubba–to Bon. She'd punched out the girl that was hassling him–some banana-chick named Barca. She'd had his back all the time they were in school together. It didn't make sense that he would end up her flippin' brother! What kind of karma was that?!
Then there was the thing with toast-face. She was the one getting screwed! She'd had that little bitch come in, snatch her guy and stomp on her heart with both feet! She'd come here to rescue that bitch anyway. How did it figure that she got captured?! It wasn't fair. And were they just going to let her rot in here? Bon was probably playing kissy-face with toast-bitch right now!
"You stiffs crack me up," announced a voice.
Fionna looked up to find a boy standing outside her cell. "Every stiff I've ever seen's been stuck in that cell wonderin' how they got there," said the harsh-faced young man. He had rough-cut brown hair and a peach complexion, but it was his coal-dark eyes that captured Fionna's attention. It was like staring into darkness. The boy waved his hands in the air and, in melodramatic tones, declared, "oh! How did I ever get in this place?! Glob has surely turned his back on me!"
Face hot, Fionna growled, "fuck you!" The boy came up to the bars and said, "it's you that's fucked, blondie. Phone's ringin' off the hook! Ma's gettin' calls from all over Ooo. There's dudes from the mutant wastes to Jungle Kingdom in the south wantin' a piece of you. They all wanna' bone the last human girl..." Grinning an evil grin, he said, "they're gonna' bust the pussy wide open. Can't close it up..." He grabbed his crotch and said, "I might put in a bid myself. I won't get first dibs, but I'll get some..." Folding her arms across her chest, she retorted, "in your mind, loser."
Angry, Penny's son demanded, "what'd you call me?" "Loser, loser," retorted the blonde bunny. The angry young man shook the bars and cursed her. Fionna stepped back out of reach. Going into his pocket, he brought out her sword. Holding it up, he said, "maybe I let you out, blondie..." Fionna frowned at him. Tossing the pink crystal into the air and catching it, he added, "for this." At her frown, he said, "I saw you usin' it. You sliced and diced a good number of my ma's boys with it. Then you just folded it up somehow. Question is: how?" "What's it to you," rumbled Fionna? He chuckled, "what's it to me? You mean, what's it to you?!" Laughing, he told her, "I can get you out of here, goldilocks. Let you walk right out of here. Just give me the password for the sword. See, I can use a sword like this."
Fionna retorted, "I bet you can, but I wasn't born last week. If I give you what you want, you're just gonna' leave me in here." "You'll just have to take that chance, blondie," retorted the boy. "Will I," asked Fionna? "If you wanna' keep the mutants out o'that pussy, you will," laughed the thief. "Alright," said Fionna. "You open the cell, I give you the password." "Nah," said the thief. "You give me the password, I open the cell..." Fionna thought about that for a few minutes. "Alright," said she. "The password is quick-sword. Now open the door." Laughing the boy stepped back and walked away. "Later, bunny," said he. "Mmm... Lookin' forward t'some of that sweet human pussy." "Jerk," growled Fionna. The boy laughed and kept going.
Fionna moved to the back of the cell. He'd be back when that stupid password failed to work. He'd be mad, but he might be willing to cut a deal. The sword was valuable to her. She didn't want to give it away, but her life was worth more. She could always go back to the City of Crystal Fiends and get another one. Hours passed with Fionna's state of mind growing increasingly desperate. She'd always thought that things like this didn't happen to great heroes. Now she feared that her parents were right. She was a fool.
As the pretty blonde was contemplating how much nicer it was to get yelled at by Mr. K over her homework than getting gang-raped by a bunch of gross mutants, a growl of anger announced the return of Mr. Nasty. "You fucking bitch," snarled the teen. Fionna gave him a smile. "I wasn't born last week," chuckled the blonde. "You give me that fucking password, or I swear you'll regret it," growled the Thief Prince. Fionna shrugged and threw his words right back in his face, "I'm gonna' be gang-raped by a bunch of mutants and then sold into slavery. What the fuck do I care about what you have to say?" The boy calmed down then. "Alright, blondie," said he. "Just like before. You give me the password..." "Uh-uh," said Fionna. "Passage out of the city." "Sword ain't worth that," retorted the thief. "You gotta' come up off o'somethin' else..." "Like what," she asked? They were bargaining now. It looked like maybe she might talk her way out of this yet.
Licking his lips, the evil young man said, "you gimme' some o'that pussy, maybe I let you walk out of here..." Fionna was horrified! Her first time was supposed to be with the love of her life! That was supposed to be Bubba–Bon. She'd done everything in her power to get him to go all the way with her, but he'd stubbornly resisted. Ultimately that was a good thing. She was creeped out by how close they'd come to the whole two-headed baby thing. At the same time, she was now in an ugly spot, caught between bad choices. She didn't want this guy to be her first. He was that nasty bitch's son, and the pretty blonde imagined all kinds of unpleasant outcomes from that. He clearly didn't give two damns about her, and he'd already tried to take advantage of her. Still he was a lot better choice than a gross mutant. In the end, her choice wasn't really a choice. With a heavy-hearted sigh, she said, "ok..."
The young thief stood there a moment staring at her as he did the calculation in his mind. Part of him wanted to trick her. He didn't want to get in trouble with his ma for letting her prize prisoner go. At the same time, it would be easier to explain a missing prisoner than a prisoner with no cherry. As Fionna watched, he opened the door to her cell. As the pretty blonde stepped out, he said, "I want my reward right now. Then I'll take you out of here." Resigned to her fate, Fionna stood there waiting. Reaching out, he ran his fingers through her wavy blonde hair, working himself up. He could hardly believe it! He'd heard his mom talk about almost making it with Finn the Human, and he'd heard stories about how beautiful Finn's wife and daughter were. There were a lot of guys who wanted to get some of Fionna the Human Girl, but it looked like he was going to be the one. With an eager grin on his young face, the Thief Prince leaned towards her, lips pursed to kiss her.
A noise behind him alerted the Thief Prince to the fact that they weren't alone. He spun around to find himself staring into the brown eyes of the wizard that had geeked so many of his ma's dudes. A shiver of fear went down his spine, and he thought of shouting for help. That wa when he felt something come out of his back pocket. The sword! He spun to face the blonde, grabbing the crystal and holding on. As the two had a tug-of-war over the strange crystal, the blade suddenly extended, burying itself in the young man's chest.
As both Fionna and Patrick stared, the Thief Prince toppled backwards, clutching at the place where the sword was buried inside his body. Blood was pouring out of him, and Patrick knew he was already dead. "Shit," said the young wizard! "We gotta' get out of here!" Fionna grabbed the hilt of the sword, jerking it out of her tormenter, causing even more blood to pour out of him. The two fled down the hall from whence Patrick had come.
As the young wizard led the way through the maze of darkened passages under the Thief King's palace, he asked the obvious question, "who was your new boyfriend?" "He wasn't my boy... he wanted t'rape me, dumbass," snarled Fionna. Patrick winced. That hadn't come out quite the way he expected. Momentarily, though, that was the least of their problems. There was a guard coming down the hall. Fionna stepped up in front of him, drawing her crystal blade as she did so.
And nothing happened.
The pretty blonde shook the sword at the guard, as he strode towards her with a confident grin on his face. "How'd you get out," he asked, his voice low and sinister–exactly the sort of voice that belonged here in this dark place. Licking his lips, he said, "maybe the boss'll let me have a taste for puttin' you back..." That was when Patrick darted around her and shot a bolt of ice through his neck. Grabbing a startled Fionna by the wrist, Patrick dragged her onward. It was plain to see that his way in had been found by the very man they'd just killed. Now he hoped there were no more guards in their way.
Arriving at the vent shaft that had let Patrick in, the pair found the grating back in its place. Good thing I hid the rope, thought the wizard. "C'mon, Fi," said he. "I'll boost you up..." Fionna took one step forward and stopped. "I'm not wearing shorts," she murmured. "What," demanded Patrick? "I-I didn't put shorts on," said the warrior-girl. Rolling his eyes, an incredulous Patrick demanded, "are you going to stand there because you're afraid I might peep your panties?!" She glared at him. "Fine," said he. "I'll climb on your shoulders!"
It took a little fumbling, but the warrior-girl was pretty strong. The wizard climbed up on her shoulders and dragged the grating off the vent shaft. Then he had the rope, and he began to pull himself up. "Wait," hissed Fionna! "What about me?" "I didn't come all this way to leave you," growled Pat. Though it was tempting right now. Dropping the rope, he said, "come on."
The wizard now led the way through the maze of vent shafts and passages, back past the throne room, and all the way back to the original vent they'd come through at the start of this strange little odyssey. Patrick pulled the external grating into the vent with them, then, after taking a good look around, dropped the rope over the side and began to climb. He was almost at the bottom when he saw the thug waiting on him there in the darkness. Great, he thought. This was just going great.
The thug had his sword in hand, waiting, when the wizard dropped off the rope, but he reckoned without the bunny. Fionna came sliding down the rope like she was on a thrill ride at Princess World. She came off the rope at the last minute, driving both feet into the bandit's head, knocking him down on the pavement and knocking him cold. "Phew," whistled Patrick. The pair ran. They ran until it felt like they couldn't run anymore. Then they stopped, caught a breath, and went back to running. Fortunately, nobody seemed to miss the dead dudes in the dungeon, and they got all the way to the edge of town without any further incidents.
Standing in the fading sunlight, both teens were grateful for the escape. They'd made it. Patrick turned to her and said, "so I did the rescuing this time. Cool." Fionna muttered curses and started walking again. Irritated, Patrick grabbed Fionna's wrist and spun her around, growling, "you could try a little gratitude, Fionna!" She just stared at him. Jabbing a finger in her face, the angry wizard said, "I saved you from being pimped-out and raped, blondie. A thank-you would be nice." Blushing to her hair, Fionna mumbled, "thanks." "What was that," said he, cocking a hand next to his ear? "Thanks, jerk-face," snarled Fionna. She didn't like having to admit that she'd needed rescuing, and his needling her about it made her want to bite.
Rolling his eyes, Patrick pushed past her, muttering, "don't know what I ever saw in you..." "What's that supposed to mean," demanded the warrior-woman? "Meant just what I said," retorted the wizard. "I don't know why I ever found you attractive..." Shaking his head, he laughed, "I'll admit it. I fell for the pretty face and the killer body, but you're a grade-A cunt, Fi." Laughing, he turned and started walking. Fionna stared after him, but Patrick never stopped walking. Startled and a little embarrassed, she started off after him, wondering how she was going to apologize. She wasn't good with that, and she'd hoped he would just let it go. Now she would have to figure something out.
They found Bon and French Toast sitting in her truck at the edge of the woods. Bon was in the driver's seat when they walked up, and he had his mother's blaster thingy in his hand as if in terror of what might come out of the undergrowth around them. Fionna immediately stuck out her hand for the key, and a sheepish Bon handed it over. Patrick was still in a kind of nasty mood, and he stepped off to one side, looking as though he might not get into the truck with them. "You alright," asked Boniface? "Been better," muttered Fi.
Shaking that off, the bad bunny said, "we need t'be out o'here. We should head east towards toast-face's people. We can drop her there..." "I-I refuse to leave my husband," retorted the breakfast treat. "Fine," muttered Fionna. "He can hang at your place. Right now, our home's not safe. Not until my dad gets here and smashes the rest of scar-face's face in." Motioning for Bon to get in back with his girl, Fionna said, "Patrick. Shotgun. I'm'a drive." The hostile wizard glared at her a moment. Then, with exaggerated care, he climbed into the truck beside her. Putting the truck in gear, Fionna set off.
