Rollercoaster ahead. Think of this chapter as that Shondaland icon lol
It's a bit longer than usual, but I couldn't split it up, so here we go.
She feels his arms around her waist; she feels his back rising and falling against her chest; she feels his warm breath on her shoulder. She smiles at his overwhelming presence, turning in his arms. She kisses him, lips brushing against lips, lightly, as her hands travel down his body. He stirs at her touch, a smile spreading against her lips.
"Hi," he says sleepily.
She kisses him again, before responding. "Hi. I wasn't expecting you until this morning."
"I got an earlier flight, so I came in, really," he starts kissing her neck, "really," another kiss as his hand moves under the scrap of lace she refers to as underwear, "really, late last night." But she's no longer listening, as a soft moan escapes her lips.
Their chests are still rising rapidly as she rolls off of him. As their breaths even, she turns to her side, placing her right hand over his heart. "I've missed you."
He takes her hand in his and kisses the inside of her palm, his lips lingering, as he pulls her closer to him, so that her body molds to his side, perfectly. She puts her head on his chest, her hand seeking out his. Their palms meet, her petite fingers intertwining with his, lazily. They fall asleep again, his lips on her forehead and hers on his fingertips.
"Mom, Fitz!" The sound of knocking and Zoey's voice awake them, making them both jump out of bed.
"We're coming Zoey. Just wait for us downstairs." She yells, trying to keep her voice calm; starting to curse under her breath as soon as she's sure Zoey's out of earshot. "I can't believe we overslept."
"Well at least we're already naked so there's no need to strip before we shower." He says grinning, trying to lighten the mood, to get her to relax.
"We can't be late to Karen's graduation because we were having sex!" She exclaims frustrated, before she slams the door to the bathroom closed behind her. "And we are showering separately." She adds, somewhat unnecessarily.
/
"I can't believe you lied to me about when it begins!" She says, pouting, without looking at him. "I can't believe you didn't trust me!"
"Livvy," He says, threading carefully, "It's not you that I didn't trust, it's us, as a family. We have a baby and a teenager-"
"A nanny who picked Nur up on time and a teenager who was ready on time!" Zoey cuts him off, not even trying to not sound amused.
"Thanks, Zo," he turns towards her, sarcastically bowing his head towards her, "way to have my back!"
"Eyes to the road, cowboy!" Liv says grinning, clearly done being dramatic.
They get to the high school with fifteen minutes to spare, instantly spotting Gerry and Mellie; his recent growth spurt setting them apart in the crowd. Zoey runs towards them hanging herself around Gerry's neck.
By the time Fitz and Liv get there, she's talking to Gerry, both kids clearly animated, while Mellie stands there, watching them somewhat awkwardly.
"Mellie." He says with a warm smile, pulling her into a hug.
"Fitzgerald." She says as she steps out of the embrace, wiping a lone tear away, "I can't believe she's graduating."
"I know." He says, a proud smile stretching across his lips.
The woman turns towards Liv, eyeing her discretely, before giving her a small smile, "Olivia, thank you for agreeing to come and bringing Zoey. It means a lot to Karen." To Liv's utter surprise she sounds genuine.
"Well, Mellie, thank you for making it easy for me to agree." They all stand there awkwardly for a moment, inspecting their shoes and the parking-lot cement.
Finally Gerry breaks the silence, "Shall we go find our seats? It should begin shortly." They all nod their heads furiously and follow closely behind him. They have a great view of the stage, only a few rows of chairs separating them from a sea of red. Fitz bites his lip nervously, until she takes his hand and starts running small circles on the back of it. Gerry and Zoey chat away, completely unfazed by their environment, while Mellie shuffles though her purse furiously, looking for her handkerchief.
"Can I help you with anything, Mellie?" Olivia asks with a warm smile, once she notices everyone's starting to calm down.
"Oh, do you have a tissue maybe?" She replies, blushing slightly. Liv hands her a whole packet, still smiling, and squeezes her hand soothingly.
"She'll be great Mellie!" The woman nods her head appreciatively, before turning her attention to the stage as a chubby, bald man begins to speak; his oratory neither short, nor sweet.
"And, now, please welcome with a warm applause, the class valedictorian, Karen Grant!" And there's an eruption of noise as she stands up, and walks to the stage, head held high.
She starts of quietly, her voice shaking, but then she looks out into the crowd and sees a sea of smiling faces. She looks at her speech one more time, then looks up, speaking from her heart.
"Fellow students; dear friends, teachers and parents,
I could tell you that today is the end – the end of childhood, the end of the age of carelessness without consequence, the end of responsibility for our lives lying with someone else. Or I could tell you it's the beginning, a fresh start; an opportunity to live our dreams, freely, without waking up at the crack of dawn for AP Physics. But the thing is, it's neither and yet both of those things.
Today is the day we graduate. The day many of us for the first time celebrate our own achievements. It's a day where we celebrate our maturity, the day we demonstrate we are ready to shoulder responsibility. It's a day to earn our adulthood. To think of it as an opportunity to start fresh would be foolish – there are no new beginnings. However, it is an opportunity to look back at the mistakes we've made, the challenges we faced, and the successes we can celebrate; it's an opportunity to look back and learn from that, so that we can go on, smarter, stronger and wiser. Today is the end of an era; it's the day when the past, the future and the present interlace – letting us marvel at our progress and strive towards a new success, while we have the love and support of those closest to us to fall on.
I want to thank our teachers. They provided us with a safe haven to explore new things in; they gave us opportunities to discover our dreams; they gave us tools to make them come true. I want to thank you, my classmates and my friends, for inspiring me every day. Not just to be smarter and work harder, but to be a better person, kinder, more tolerant, more involved. I want to thank you for reminding me to be a kid, to enjoy childhood, in a world that tries to push us prematurely into adulthood. And finally, I want to thank my family. Mostly, for just loving me; for teaching me how to love myself and others. I want to thank them for giving me confidence to explore my boundaries, to test my own limits; for instilling in me the love of learning. Finally, I want to thank them for the most important lesson, that all that matters in life is what is in your heart and your mind.
Thank you all. And enjoy today – it is our day! We earned our right of passage!"
There is a moment after she finishes her speech. A moment before everyone springs to their feet, cheering. A moment when he can just see his daughter's face relaxing, as her hands still and her smile widens. That moment, the moment of satisfaction; of pride over her own actions; that is what makes him teary-eyed; that is what makes him cry. And then the eruption; of noise, of applause. She bows her head humbly before walking off the stage; confidence evident in her step – she climbed up a child, and left an adult.
They clap as they call out names, of future artists, teachers, presidents. Once it's done they try to step out of the crowd, wait at the sidelines. When she finally finds them she throws herself at Fitz, grinning, as she exclaims excitedly, "I graduated!" He hugs her tightly, blinking furiously, terrified that if he starts crying, he might not be able to calm down and play it cool for the rest of the afternoon.
All he musters, his voice strained, "I'm so proud of you." And he hugs her just a little bit tighter.
"Dad, you're crushing me." She finally lets out, and they all laugh; Fitz reluctantly letting her out of his arms. She hugs her mom, wiping away her tears, stroking her cheek gently, "Thank you mommy." Mellie just smiles, another tear rolling from her eye. "Liv! Thank you so much for coming." And then she throws herself in Liv's arms, surprising everyone. Liv returns the hug, running her hand up and down Karen's back. She takes her face in her hands and tells her, "That was an amazing speech Karen. I am so honored that I had a chance to hear it." It's the right thing. Somehow she always know what the right thing to say is. Fitz smiles to himself. All he feels is happiness. She hugs Gerry and Zoey together; messing up his hair and giving Zoey a flower from each of her bouquets.
They finally make their way to the parking lot, now crowded with parents, graduates, and cars with ribbons on them. Hers is at the very end, a huge purple bow decorating the top. First she looks between them incredulously. Then, then she jumps up and down, her hands covering her mouth; her throat letting out a squealing sound. They can't help but laugh, as Gerry gets the whole thing on camera. She gives them all about thirty different hugs, and thanks them until it's almost incoherent; the letters jumbling as they come out.
Finally Mellie suggests they all head to the house to have a quiet lunch, before the celebratory party she's planned for tonight.
"Can we go with Karen?" Gerry motions to him and Zoey, looking pleadingly at Fitz and Liv. Their eyes three-times their normal size, their lips hanging in a childish pout.
Liv just smiles at Fitz, who nods his head slowly, before adding, "Be careful! No showing off, Karen. And no weird music Gerry. And wear your seatbelts!"
"Dad," Karen chimes, clearly annoyed at what she sees as a condescending tone, "I have driven before."
"I know Karen, but not this car." He kisses the tops of their heads, before following Liv to where they parked and heading to the house. They catch up with the kids on the way, Zoey propping herself on the back seat, making faces at them though the back windshield. At first she just sticks her tongue out, and wiggles her nose, but then she starts including her hands as well; eventually starting to perform a mini-dance. Initially they both keep a straight face that lacks all encouragement, but eventually they just can't resist and they start laughing.
"I didn't know she could do that!" Fitz says sounding impressed, as Zo licks her nose.
"Seriously!" Liv grins at him, "You're worse than she is!" And then she just smiles, looking at him tenderly. Putting her hand over his, the one that's resting on her knee.
"What?"
"Nothing." She looks down at her lap, tracing her wedding-band "I'm just happy."And she just gazes at him.
First she sees his jaw clenching. Then, then she sees his arms gripping the wheel, as he flinches. She sees him shut his eyes and she follows his line of sight. All she sees is a truck, standing still and a car gliding sideways down the street. Noise. She hears noise. Car horns. Breaks. Screaming. Shock. Shock is all she feels. No she's in shock, she doesn't feel anything. He stops the car abruptly and she flies forward, the seatbelt pulling her back, the force straining her neck. She tries to get out, but her hands are shaking. Shaking uncontrollably. Zoey. All she can think of, Zoey. Shaking uncontrollably. Her fingers, they don't' listen. She's pressing into the red plastic, but nothing is happening. Zoey. A click and it springs back, letting her jump out of the car. All she sees is Fitz, pushing through the gathering crowd. Fitz running towards the car. Towards the wreck. She's screaming, "Call 911!" but it doesn't sound like her voice, it's not kind and it's not controlled. She kicks off her heals. Running. Zoey. All she sees is her face, laughing, as her tongue touches her nose.
She's close enough. Close enough to see the shattered glass. Close enough to hear it crunching under her feet. Close enough for Karen to see her and run into her arms. Blood from her cut running down her cheeks, mixing with tears. "Liv." She hugs the girl, relief flooding over her – they're OK. "I'm so sorry." She pulls her in tighter. Pulls her in, trying to help her fight off her guilt, trying to get the girl to believe – it wasn't her fault.
She looks over Karen's shoulder. She doesn't see Gerry, or Zoey. She doesn't see them. But they, they have to be OK. She lifts the girl's head in her hands, asking, but her voice is pleading, "Where are Ger and Zo?" Karen just lets out a cry and crumbles her head in her hands.
"The truck hit their side." Spinning. The car was spinning. She doesn't see it. She doesn't see their side. She doesn't see anything. Just white. Lightheaded. And she's going to be sick. She can feel the acid travelling up; she can feel it burning. She bends over coughing up yellow liquid. She doesn't feel better when she's done. No, she's running. Running as she wipes her lips. Running to see.
He's bent down in the driver's seat, turned towards the back. She comes closer. Zoey. She's in the back seat, slouched over, lifelessly. She lets out a cry, as she covers her mouth, "Zoey." He instantly turns around, his white shirt covered in blood.
"Liv, I need you to breathe for me." She doesn't hear. No she doesn't hear anything. She runs towards the car and tries to open the door, but it's jammed. She pushes her arm through the broken window, trying to reach the girl on the other side. Cut. Blood. But she doesn't notice, she doesn't care. She can see Fitz tying something around her leg; bleeding, he's stopping the bleeding. Blood on his hands. She has to touch her, hold her. She pulls at the door again, and again, and again – a mother not ready to let go. Finally it swings open, and she jumps in, scooting towards Zoey.
Pulse. Find her pulse point. Neck. It's weak, thready, but it's there. She pushes her hair back, as if somehow doing that will bring her back, as if it will let her wake up. There is a metal rod in one of her legs; there's blood shimmering in her hair. And cuts, so many cuts; she was in the eye of a hurricane of flying glass.
Lights and the siren sound. EMTs pushing her out of the way. Gerry, his arm covered in blood, but he's still conscious. He's talking. He's asking. Zoey is all he's asking about. She's standing at the side, looking at them as they jump around Zo, as they attach tubes to her, bandages, plastic. She's not her baby, no right now she's their patient, a patient to be saved. She feels his arms around her and with that her legs just give out and she starts to crumble to the ground. But he catches her and lifts her up. He holds her up.
She doesn't remember the ride to the hospital. She doesn't remember him pulling her back as the doctors wheel Zoey away. She doesn't remember fighting him, trying to get out of his grip. She doesn't remember the way he held on to her, or how she buried her head into his chest; breathing him in, because the air, the air was too heavy. He called her mom, he called Cy; he called Mellie. He did everything; everything he could; he just couldn't take her pain away.
She's sitting in the waiting room, her head in her hands. She doesn't feel anything, nothing but his absence. Then, there are hands moving soothingly up and down her back, and two heads resting on her shoulders.
"I'm so, so, sorry Liv." The girl says through tears, her body shaking.
Liv pulls her head into her lap, running her fingers through the girl's hair, her other hand drawing soothing circles on her back. "It wasn't your fault honey. It was an accident." And she just keeps repeating it like a chant, "It was just an accident." She moves her hand from Karen's hair and wraps her arm around Gerry. "You OK kid?" He just nods his head silently.
"She'll be OK, right Liv?"
She doesn't know, but all she has left, all that's letting her hold on is hope. So she just nods her head, "She's a fighter."
He comes back from sorting out the discharge papers and he sees them like that, huddled together; her arms wrapped around them – giving, caring. And seeing that, that finally breaks him. He goes into the bathroom. He runs. He can't keep it down, no, he's throwing up. Bitter taste in his mouth. He washes his hands again, no trace of blood; but he can still feel it, the way it stuck to his skin, how quickly it dried. He splashes water on his face, but it doesn't make a difference. No, he still can't breathe; the coolness just makes him shiver. He collapses to the floor, his back against the cold wall; trying to inhale, but the air, the air is too thick. Sobs are leaving his body, making him shake uncontrollably; making it impossible for him to breathe in.
"Fitz." She bends down, sadness in her blue eyes; as she tries to ease his pain with a touch. "She'll be OK."
"What if she's not?" He spits out, disgusted at the thought, his eyes fixed to the floor.
She's quiet for a moment, and then she speaks, the force and conviction in her voice a striking contrast to his, "If she's not, it will be awful. It will hurt like hell and you and Liv will never be the same. But she will need you, she will need you more than she's ever needed anything. She'll need you to remind her to live and not just exist, and she'll need you to take care of Nur, and to take care of her; she'll need you to make sure she can do it too; she'll need you to help her forgive herself; she'll need you to deal with that guilt that suffocates. She'll need you, because you're the only person that will understand; that could ever understand the emptiness that can't be filled; the hurt that is numbing; the little reminders that make her smile while she cries. She will need you, Fitz. And you will need to be there. And you need her." She pauses and stands to her feet, extending a hand to him, "So get up, clean up, and make her believe that no matter what, somehow you'll find a way to go on."
He just looks at her for a moment and smiles to himself – Mellie Grant never ceases to surprise him.
He takes her hand and pulls her into a grateful hug, "Thanks Mellie."
"I spoke to Karen and Ger, they want to wait until Zoey's out of surgery. So, give me your keys and I'll go grab a change of clothes for you and Liv." She says in front of the waiting room, looking over his shoulder through the glass door, at this woman she spent years of her life hating, sitting there broken and frightened, comforting her kids. He nods his head appreciatively and hands her the keys, before heading over to Liv. Gerry scoots to the side so that his dad could sit next to the love of his life; and instantly he can see Liv's face relax a little bit, as Fitz wraps an arm around her, pulling her head to his chest, massaging her shoulder.
The doors open and he sees the doctor's face. His body instantly stiffens, making her look up, fear in her eyes. It seems like eternity from the moment the doctor comes in, to the moment he says, "She made it." An eternity of anxiety and fear, of hope, wavering. She lets out a breath she didn't even know she was holding, and a quiet sob of relief as he pulls her in.
"She had a brain bleed, but we stopped it and there wasn't any residual swelling, so she should be fine." She lifts her head up form his chest, wiping the tears away, smiling.
"What about her leg?"
"She'll need some physio, but she should regain full function."
"Can she dance again?" The doctor's face falls, so she ads, "She does ballet," as if trying to change his answer by letting him know how important it is.
"No, I'm afraid not. Her knee was injured badly and we repaired it, but it will never be as strong as before the accident. It can't handle the strain of ballet."
"Liv, she's OK, that's what's important." He says, trying to be the voice of reason; but he too dreads the moment they'll have to tell her, the moment they'll have to tell her, her dream is no longer a possibility. There is something so awfully crushing, so cruelly disheartening about that. She nods her head in acknowledgment and shakes the doctors hand, thanking him, asking when they can see her.
"Give us ten minutes, then someone will come to get you."
As soon as the doctor turns around Karen start weeping, the relief and guilt mixing; she's drowning in it. Fitz and Liv pull her in an ebrace, whispering softly, "It's OK." Gerry goes to sit down, but then stops in his tracks – blood. He turns around, eyes wide, "Liv, why are you bleeding?"
Fitz' head shoots up and he looks at Gerry, who just points to the blood stain on the chair and then Liv's back. She just waves her hand, dismissing it, "I'm fine. I probably just got Zo's blood on me." She cringes a little as she says it, her body suddenly feels heavy. Fitz looks at the way the crimson stain reflects the light, the way it almost shines - that's not dry blood.
"Liv, no, you're bleeding." He says, now panicking, and without listening to any more of her protests gets a doctor. An examination room, so sterile and cold; the gown barely covering her up – her skin, chilly goose bumps. Bent knees, her head back; lids shut – keeping the tears at bay.
"You've had a miscarriage."
She didn't even know she was pregnant. She feels numb. She can't feel this loss, not right now. She just nods her head, "OK. Can you just give me something, for the pain." She looks at Fitz, his eyes fixed on her, making her feel self-conscious, "We need to go see Zoey."
"Liv-"
"No one knows about this." He just looks at her, confused, "No one knows, Fitz. Karen can't handle it, and neither can Zoey. We never knew it existed, so we'll just pretend this never happened."
He wants to protest. He wants to tell her, no, they can't lie about this, they shouldn't. But instead he just nods his head. Seeing her like that, so utterly broken, he can't bring himself to cause her more pain. He just nods, and hands her a clean set of clothes. She avoids his gaze, the putty in it, the sadness, suffocating. His love suddenly feels heavy.
They're siting on either side of the girl's bed, holding her hands. It's past midnight and she's been drifting in and out of consciousness for hours, asking what happened, asking about her leg. And they tried to kiss away the pain on her face, every single time; but the brokenness remained.
"Are you OK?"
She just nods her head with a small smile; exhausted, but unable to fall asleep; afraid of waking up and realizing it wasn't all a dream. "Are you?"
And he smiles, "Just trying to process. What a day."
Yesterday, yesterday was the day their lives changed. Dreams were shattered, prayers answered. Yesterday was a day they faced tragedy and felt relief that follows it. Yesterday, a day their lives changed. And today, today is the day to start rebuilding them.
She lets go of Zo's hand and goes over to his chair, curling in his lap, disappearing in the comfort of his arms. Disappearing in the heaviness of his love.
Don't hate me. Really, I'm a nice person. And they will heal. I promise. It will just be a little bumpy. But they will. I know that was long, and a rollercoaster of heartbreak, but I really didn't want to split it in two chapters – I felt like the joy and the happiness needed to be there to appreciate the gravity of the accident. I hope you liked it. That's the last of the pre-written updates, so it will be a few days before the next one.
Thank you so, so, much for reviewing and sticking with this story. Your feedback on my fics and the way it helped me grow this year, has really been amazing!
