"It means I have not forgotten the kiss."
My heart pounded in my ears.
"Solas."
"I know." He looked away. "I've seen you with him. Our Commander." He shook his head. "As much as I want you, I won't ruin what the two of you have. It..." Solas' eyes close and he shakes his head again. "It's beautiful, and there isn't much in your life right now that is."
"Solas." My voice is barely a whisper. He steps towards my bedroom and I grab him by the arm. "Don't go."
"It would be better." He turns to me, trembling. "But losing you would..."
And he kisses me. In every touch, his arms around me, his lips fitting into mine, I feel the words he isn't saying. There's a gentleness and longing in those kisses, and a desperation.
"Ar lath ma, vhenan." I love you, heart.
I'm too breathless to stop him when he leaves again.
I need to talk to Cullen. And to Solas. Damn this is getting complicated.
I step into Solas' room and he smiles at me before ducking his head down to his books again.
"Lethallin," I say, stepping toward his desk. "Can we talk about... about that."
"Of course." He settles in his chair, then takes a breath. "I apologize for kissing you. I... lost control. I asked you to give me time, and in that time, you found the Commander." I open my mouth to speak, but he continues. "There's no fault in that. I made no claim on you, no obligation to wait around for me to decide what I wanted. I don't blame you for finding someone else."
"But you still have..." I didn't want to put words in his mouth.
"Feelings for you. Yes, I do." He was so calm about this, so rational. "And I apologize for acting on them. It won't happen again."
"Even if I want it to happen again?"
His mouth parts, but he closes it again and furrows his brow. "You shouldn't be with me."
"Shouldn't? Or is that just another way for you to say you aren't sure that you really want to be with me?"
"I am sure. That's the problem."
"I don't-"
"I'm sure that I shouldn't have you, that you deserve more than I could ever give you." He takes my hands. I'm taller than him in this moment, and it makes him look vulnerable. He sighs. "And yet I'm sure of how I feel about you."
His words make me smile despite myself. I quickly put the smile away. "Why shouldn't you have me? Explain that part."
"I... can't." He doesn't meet my eyes. "Cullen is good. He's loyal. He's... he will be good to you. He could be your everything. I could not."
"Maybe I don't need you to be my everything." I kneel down on the floor and put a hand to his face. He leans into it and closes his eyes. "And maybe I should be the one to decide what's good for me."
"I didn't mean... Of course you should. But I want you to know, now, that there isn't a future with me like there is with him. I can't give you that."
"You give me more than enough." I take a long, shaky breath. "I need to talk to Cullen."
"Don't leave him for me," Solas whispers, closing his eyes, placing his hand over mine. "I don't want that."
"Then I won't."
I stand up and back away, but Solas doesn't let go of my hand. For one fleeting moment, I see panic and pain on his face before he wipes it clean and lets me go. "Dareth shiral, Lethallan."
"I'm coming back."
He doesn't look like he believes me.
"Cullen?" I slip into his room. "Are we alone?"
He grins. "For now. Should I lock the doors?"
I stare at my feet. "I need to talk to you. It's... well. We need to talk."
He gets serious. "Maybe we should go to your room, then." He slips around me and starts across the bridge to Solas' room.
"No!" I shout. "I mean, um. Please, can we talk here?"
He looks at the door to Solas' room, then back at me, and his face turns grave. "Maker's breath." He rubs his face with his hand and closes the door, throwing his weight against it. "It's happened, hasn't it. You and Solas."
"I- I don't... What makes you say that?"
He sinks to the floor then, digs his hands into his hair. "We had that talk... your questions about monogamy. I knew there was something there, with you and him. I saw it. Everyone saw it. Josephine told me it was just friendship, some sort of elf thing, or mage thing, that there were parts of you I couldn't understand, and-"
"You had an entire talk with Josephine about this?" I sounded annoyed. I was annoyed. Some sort of elf thing?
"I just asked her if she thought I should be worried. If there was anything there. She offered an explanation."
I crossed my arms, staring down at him. I had thought to join him on the floor, but now I didn't want to. "And why didn't you ask me if you thought something was going on?"
"Honestly, I don't think I wanted to know. I didn't want to be right." He looked up at me, hurt in his eyes. "But it seems I was." He sighed. "So go ahead. Hit me. Make a clean break. It's a theme in my life. Always falling for mage girls I can't have."
"Cullen." I sat on the floor in front of him, arms around my knees. "No one's saying you can't have me."
He rubs the back of his neck, eyes down.
"Cullen..." I took a breath, rubbed my eyes. "Solas and I have feelings for each other. We've had a connection, even back in Haven, but Solas didn't want to pursue it."
"I see." He sighed. "And now he does?"
"Now he does."
Cullen snorted, and the scar on his lip pulled up in a sneer. "Now he does." He sighed and his brown eyes turned soft. "So what are you going to do?"
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about."
We held each others' gazes a moment, worry on his face.
"Josephine was right. There are parts of me that you can't understand, that Solas can. But there are also things between you and me that aren't there with him. I asked what you thought of monogamy earlier because... well, I... I want you both." I shake my head. "It was just... an idea. A foolish wish, I guess." My voice was tapering off, getting smaller and smaller.
Cullen stared at me. "You're asking if you can... pursue these feelings for Solas?"
"Yes."
"And remain with me."
"Yes."
Cullen looked away, chewed his bottom lip. "What happens if I say no?"
"You and I would stay together, if you still want me. But I'm still going to have feelings for him. That's not just going to go away. I could distance myself, cut off my friendship with him if you wanted that, but I'm still going to want him." I gave an awkward laugh. "I already tried to wish it away, and that isn't working."
"But you would stay with me?" He reached out a hand and held mine. "This isn't, like... an ultimatum or something?"
"No, no, no." I shook my head. "I've already chosen you, Cullen. I care about you. I'm with you. If you are okay with it, I will also be with Solas. If you're not okay with it, I will try to make it work between us and ignore those feelings. I don't know if I'll be successful, but I'll try."
He skimmed a gloved thumb over my knuckles. "Say that first part again."
"What?"
He was grinning at me. "Please?" He closed his eyes, then. "Tell me you choose me. Even with feelings for someone else. Tell me."
"I chose you, Cullen. I still do." I wrap my arms around him and he shifts to pull me into his lap. "I'm choosing to be with you."
"Even if I say no?"
I press my forehead to his. "Even if you say no."
"Even though I..." He kisses me softly. "If you explain those other parts of you - the mage parts, the Dalish parts, I'll listen. I'll try to understand."
I hear Solas' words again. He could be your everything.
"I'd like that." I grinned. "Lethallin."
He tried the word out. "Leh-thu-leen. What does that mean?"
"It's a way of addressing someone you're close to, such as friends or family. If we were back home, I would have used it long ago, but..." I blushed. "I didn't think you would care. You wouldn't understand what it meant."
He cups a hand around my cheek and gives me a sad smile. "I do care, Lethallin."
I giggle. "Oh, Cullen. No. Lethallin is for boys. I would be Lethallan."
His ears were a bit pink. "S-sorry. I'm sorry. Um."
"You're learning." I bury myself in his chest, in the hard leather and soft feathers, wanting him out of the armor so I could hear his heartbeat. "It means a lot that you'd even try."
"Maybe tonight, when I'm off-duty, you can tell me more?"
"Sure." I pull away, tuck my hair behind my ear. "Later, then."
We both stand to our feet. "And... I'll think about it. The Solas thing, I mean. I need time, though."
"I understand. Take all the time you need."
"In the meantime, can you maybe not... I mean, by give me time, I mean time to think, where I don't have to worry about what you're doing with him in the meantime."
I nod. "I'll let him know I'll be staying away, and then I won't speak to him until you say so."
"Thank you, um," Cullen's cheeks turn a little pink. "Thank you, Lethallan."
My heart nearly stops in my chest.
"Was that alright?" He asks. "Did I-"
I pushed him against the door, kissing him and running my hands through his hair. My heart was singing. The word sounded so clumsy in his mouth, but Creators take me, it was the best sound. I wanted to pull the armor off him and have him right there, against the door, but he pushed me back by my hips.
"Does that mean I did it right?"
"More than right." I beamed.
He grinned. "Good. I'll see you tonight, then."
"Later. Yes."
When I entered Solas' room, I still had half a smile on my face. He stood to his feet, startled, and I remembered why I was there.
"You-" He looked away from me. "You didn't-"
"I didn't."
"Ah." He raised his chin, face clear of emotion. Is he disappointed, despite what he said before? "Good. I won't trouble you again."
"Solas, I told him I had feelings for you."
"You did?" He shifted his weight from foot to foot. "And... how did that go?"
"He asked me to stay away from you-" Before I could finish my sentence, Solas lifted his eyes to mine, a look of longing and loss in them so powerful, the words didn't come. I had to clear my throat to get the rest out. "Just for a while. I wanted to let you know, so you would know why I'm keeping my distance. He needs to work through it, I think, the fact that I have feelings for you. And I respect that. I hope you will, too?"
"Of course." He bowed his head. "I understand."
"I asked Cullen..." I bit my lip. For some reason, I hadn't considered until this moment whether Solas would actually approve of this arrangement. "Solas, what do you think about monogamy?"
"Monogamy?" His eyebrows lifted. "Some cultures value it, others don't. It depends on the people involved, what they're comfortable with."
Of course that would be his answer. "And what are you comfortable with?"
Something in his face looked... hungry. "Why are you asking?"
"Could you answer my question first?"
"Did you ask the Commander..." He shook his head, but that look was still on his face, hands balling into fists at the base of his tunic. "Are you considering..."
"I asked Cullen if he would be okay with me... exploring my feelings for you. While still being with him."
Solas took a half-step toward me before stopping himself. His voice was thick as he said, "What was the answer?"
"He's considering. I said I would give him time."
"I see." Solas' knuckles were going white.
"But I hadn't asked you. Would you be … comfortable... with-"
"Yes." The word came so quickly, carried so much desire, I didn't know what to say. He cleared his throat and tried again. "That arrangement would be perfectly fine with me."
"Are you sure? I don't want you to say that because you think that... you can convince me to leave him or something. I won't."
"Good." He was regaining his composure now. "Don't leave him for me. I've told you that already. This..." A smile quirked up at the side of his mouth. "This idea of yours is actually... I hadn't considered this an option."
"Neither did I, until just recently."
Solas held my gaze, warm, happy almost. It felt like such an odd word for Solas, like it didn't belong, but there he was, smiling at me, looking happy.
"While he considers, however, we have to stay apart. I promised we would, while we wait for his answer. So... I'll be taking others with me when I leave Skyhold. If something important comes up, please don't hesitate to speak with me."
"But in public," he nodded. "I completely understand."
We looked at each other a moment, then I turned to leave.
"Vhenan," he said, softly.
"Solas-"
"I won't say it again." He bowed his head. "Good day, Lethallan."
