I remember a few months ago, 5 to be exact, I went with Rikku as quickly as I could. Letting her speak for me because I knew I couldn't say what I needed to- which was everything to get away from my mother and Xemnas. It was so easy to walk away with Rikku there, it was so easy to turn and not look back and to push my mother out of my life. So easy in fact that when my mother came back around I was terrified, not because I knew she would bring trouble with her, but because I knew it didn't matter what she said or did, I would still love her and I wouldn't be able to push her away again. Like an alcoholic going back to his poison.

I wanted to move on with my own life, I didn't want to be in constant fear of saying something wrong and being left alone- I was terrified to be abandoned… again. My mother was supposed to always be there even if we were fighting- that's what a Mother is supposed to do, right? She's not supposed to hate me because I'm different, she's supposed to love me no matter what and always want to do what's best for me, right? So then why does she have Xemnas? I just wanted my mother- not all this extra bullshit.

Crawling backwards I tried to get as far away as I could from Xemnas, the look he was giving me was one that screamed predator- one that screamed I should get the hell away. "What do you want?" my voice was shaky even though I was trying to make it even, Xemnas stomped towards me, no longer taking those slow steps, and grabbed me by my throat, picking me up, "Ya know Roxas, I'm getting real tired of your playing coy shit." He threw me back and I smashed against the dresser, my spine feeling the sharp pain before anything else, I tried to catch myself before I fell again but Xemnas grabbed hold of my hair and threw me to the side anyways.

"I talked so nicely to your mother- I put up with all her shit and her constant bitching so she'd let you move back in, so she wouldn't kick you out," he was hissing, but I knew that couldn't be true- my mother wanted me to stay, not because of something Xemnas said, my mother loved me enough to not want to lose me forever. "Hell, I even convinced her that you had to stay here, she wouldn't even listen to me till I told her she'd be losing to that bitch of her daughter," he grabbed my upper arm and halfway picked me up, throwing me face first into my bed, I wiped around and instantly put my hands up to struggle with him.

It wasn't true, my mother loved me- that's why she wanted me to stay, I knew she didn't love me like a normal mother but she still loved me- Xemnas was just lying. I couldn't say anything to his lies though because I was facing too much of a struggle trying to keep his hands off me. The muscles in my shoulders were the first to start to feel the burn from the struggle, I don't know what Xemnas was trying to do but from past experiences and after what he had said I wasn't going to let him do whatever he was trying to. "I put up, with all her bullshit, every fucking time she comes around," he was struggling to talk, he must have been at least a little drunk or in all these months I had gain a few muscles.

"What're you doing?" finally I was able to ask, but with the words I lost my hold and Xemnas' hand quickly came free, his weight that he had been pushing with fell down on top of me while his hand slammed into the bed next to me, he sat up a little bit so he could look at me and then his hand quickly came down and smacked across my face. His knuckles smashed across my cheek, sending a pressurizing pain through my cheek bone and through my jaw and skull, my vision blacked out for a second while Xemnas' hand shot to a place I'd rather it didn't be.

"I've put up, with your shit… for almost a year, I only want one fucking thing from you," his fingers had gone under the waist band of my pants while he tried to unbutton my pants, his other hand had managed to close around my throat, this wasn't happening. Tears were welding in my eyes from the pain and shock while my heart raced, pounding in my chest because I could tell what he was going to do- the only thing he hadn't done to me, and I knew if he had his way that by the end of the night Axel wouldn't be able to call me a virgin.

I didn't want to feel that pain. The hollowness that had been ebbing around had been hidden for the past few days at least a little bit, but as the raw sense of everything came crashing down the feeling hit me like a shovel. My bones twitched at Xemnas' every move as he struggled in his drunken state to remove my pants while his other hand pressed painfully into my throat, I pulled at his dark skin, trying to get his hand away to remove the lump in my throat that had formed from his clenching fist. This was it- after this there would be nothing left, I didn't want that to happen, I didn't want to lose everything. My body wanted to curl up into itself even though nothing had happened yet- my mind was racing at over speed and thinking at a pace that I couldn't even keep up with.

Trying to think of ways to get away, got me nowhere, all I could do was struggle with my arms on his and try not to pass out from lack of proper oxygen. If Xemnas had his way there was no way I would be able to look at Axel the same, there was no way I would be able to face myself in the mirror or anyone else, worst of all it would all be my fault, the room was freezing but the sweat I had built up in the struggle made my body feel warmer, and in my panic of trying to get Xemnas away in any way I could I realized what I had to do.

Bringing my leg up I kneed him in an attempt to kick him, but I succeeded in pushing him back enough so his hand slid out of my waist band and so his hand was forced to leave my throat. Sitting up as quickly as I could I shoved him as I stood and ran towards my door, pausing for what felt like a minute to open my door, as soon as I started to run forward I felt Xemnas fingers brush against the back of my shirt. "Mom!" screaming as I ran towards her got me nowhere when Xemnas managed to catch up to me and yank me back by my wrist and pull me to the side hallway, he pushed me against the wall by the bathroom and forced his tongue down my throat after another punch.

Wiggling my body while I pushed against him I tried to disconnect my lips but I was stopped when his hand grabbed a fist full of my hair and yanked. Gasping in pain took away the small window that was provided by Xemnas to escape, instead he shoved his tongue down my throat again and I struggled to breathe. Xemnas pulled away for a second and I took the small space provided to bring my knee up and knee him in his disgusting man parts. He instantly fell back into the other wall after I shoved him when his grip loosened from my blow, I ran around the corner as fast as I could, "Mom! Mom, wake up!" I almost tripped on my run to her side, I was next to her and shaking her arm in a second, my knees getting wet from the alcohol that had spilled next to her.

"Mom," I said again, she groaned and halfway rolled over, I stopped shaking for a second when I saw Xemnas stop walking behind me, "Mom, wake up," I said again, looking at her for only a second before looking back at Xemnas to find him still in the same spot. "Roxas," my mother said, her hand pushing against my hands, "Go away, I'm trying to sleep," "No! Mom, please, help me," I yelled when I turned to find Xemnas had taken a step or two closer. My mother groaned, "Have Xemnas help you," she mumbled, "Mom!" I yelled, staring at Xemnas as he continued walking closer, I shook my mother more with every step. I jumped when my mother moved under my hands.

She rolled over and sat up, looking at me, "What?" her voice was monotone and she stared at me like I was a bug, what was I supposed to tell her? "What the fuck do you want Roxas!" she asked, I shook my head, "Xemnas," I pointed with my hand, thinking about my words, I didn't know what to tell her, I didn't know what to say- all I knew is she was supposed to see what was happening and make it stop. "What the hell about him?" she looked up from me and up to Xemnas and then back at me in a second, "He, he was," I couldn't say anything more- I didn't know what to say, my mother rolled her eyes, "I'm going back to bed," she moved to lay down but I jumped to block her, "No, mom, please," she started yelling at me as soon as she could.

"Then tell me what the fuck you want!" I opened my mouth to tell her but the words wouldn't come out, "Xemnas- he was, he was in my room again!" I wanted her to yell at him, I wanted her to kick him out, I just wanted Xemnas to go away and I wanted to be able to be safe in my own room. "Xemnas, stay out of Roxas' room- there! You fucking happy!" I turned to see Xemnas smile, I quickly shook my head, "Make him leave me alone," my mother rolled her eyes, "He lives here! And he's not bothering you none!" I continued shaking my head, standing up when Xemnas moved even closer.

"He keeps sneaking into my room! Kick him out, make him go away!" my mother looked at me but didn't say anything, "I don't want him here anymore," I whined, taking a step back when Xemnas took one closer. "You want me to kick out my boyfriend because you don't fucking like him!" my mother stood up and turned to me, I was shaking my head- that was just it, there was so much more to it but my vocal cords didn't want to work. "Mom, please- he's," "What the hell is he doing?" my mother cut me off with a shout, I turned to look back at her from my stare at Xemnas, "He's," she cut me off again, "Nothing- he's not doing anything to you!" "Yes he is," I quickly started once she stopped talking, "Please Mom, he's been sneaking into my room- he's… touching…" before I could think of what I wanted to say after that my mother cut me off with a roll of her eyes.

"Oh not this shit again, Roxas- grow the fuck up, he's not touching you, he's a grown ass man, what the fuck does he want with a fucking kid?" I opened my mouth to say something but she cut me off, "Nothing, again- stop fucking lying, I'm done with your fucking bullshit," "Bullshit?" I was amazed that she chose that to say out of everything. "Yeah, you fucking heard me Roxas, I'm tired of dealing with all your emotional bullshit, why can't you just grow the fuck up! Better yet why don't you just leave again?" she asked and I was left shaking my head, everything was quiet for a few seconds before I started shouting.

"I left because I didn't want to get raped by your boyfriend! Why the hell did you bring him back around! That's what's fucking bullshit! I didn't move back in with you to deal with your fucking creepy ass boyfriend- you're my mother, you're supposed to pick up on the fact that something's not fucking right with him!" I shouted and my mother was surprised for a second, before she mumbled, "I'm not dealing with you right now," she started moving towards the door but I kept yelling, just to make her stay, "You never do! Every time something happens that you actually have to do something you walk away! Why the hell can't you just care? If you don't want to care about me then why can't you just let me go somewhere where I don't have to feel like shit because of your boyfriend?"

She turned around and stared at me, "I'm leaving, I'm not in the mood to deal with your shit," she was pointing at me, "Mom! You can't leave," I walked towards her, stopping once Xemnas took a step closer to me, "Please Mom," I quietly begged, she turned and looked at me, "Roxas…" her voice was just was quiet as my own, "I don't know what you want me to do…" "Make him go away… make him leave me alone…" but she was staring at the open door, she was debating something and I could see it on her face, "Mom?" she looked up at me and started shaking her head, "You and your damn sister…" she grumbled, "I don't know why but I just can't make kids right," she continued to shake her head, "I don't know what it is about you two, you're my kids, I'm supposed to love you- I know I am… but I just don't." she met my eyes and it felt like something broke inside me.

"I've tried, so hard- but… I just don't care Roxas, there's just something wrong with you and her- I try to care about you but all I see is a blob of everything I hate. I hate the way you speak, the way you move, I just can't stand you… ever since you were born, I thought I'd love you like I wanted to love my child, but you were just like Rikku. And I hate that." She reached into her shirt and pulled out the necklace she had bought, the one that went with mine to say that we would always be together, she pulled it tight so she could see it, "I don't want to pretend anymore…" she tugged and the chain broke, again something ticked in me, "I hate you- just for being you, and neither one of us can ever change that," she seemed sadden by her own words, "I'm done giving up myself for someone I can never love. You're now longer my son."

Everything stopped. My heart's rapid pounding paused, I could no longer feel it, I could no longer hear it, my body froze and I watched as my mother didn't even look at me as she walked out the door, the sound the door made didn't even register, nothing did. The floor got closer as I slid against the wall to the ground, things moved in my vision but I didn't care to notice. My mother, she really didn't care… she really didn't love me… after everything I did to try and… she didn't… she just gave me up. She just disowned me, my eyes widened- the cold feeling of the tears on my face hit me, I stood up, practically falling in the process and ran to the door, pulling it open, I stood at the top of the stairs, my mother standing at the bottom, "Mom!" I shouted.

"You can't- you, you promised," every promise she had ever made to me ran through my mind, "You promised we would live together- you promised you'd make everything better! You can't, you can't just leave, mom, please, I don't know what to do without you, please don't leave me," she opened the door at the bottom of the stairs, "No! Mom please, I need you- don't leave me, I don't want to be alone," my voice was raw and cracking but was finally cut off as I choked on my tears, I needed her in my life more than she ever lied that she needed me. "Please- you promised you wouldn't leave, you promised you'd try- you promised you'd care, please don't leave me… mom?" she turned her head and looked up at me, her face was dry of any tears, "I lied…" her voice was quiet as she shut the door behind her.

"Mom!" screaming to her I tried to will her back, I was collapsed at the top of the stairs but found no muscle to move to go after her, I wanted to run after her, I wanted her to lie to me again- I wanted her to give me that fake smile and tell me that she loved me and that she cared. I didn't want to be alone- I didn't want to lose my mother. Suddenly there was a woman in my view, even through the tears I could see it wasn't my mother- it was Tifa, "Roxas?" her voice was gentle, I stood up quickly and ran into the apartment, shutting the door behind me and falling into the opposite wall and sliding down. Tears burned as they poured down my face, mixing in with snot and sweat, my jaw's hinges ached like they were swollen while my mouth over watered from the tears, I hiccupped and curled up into a lopsided ball.

"Roxas?" someone cautiously said, of course Xemnas was still here, "Go, away…" I mumbled around my sniffling, my face burned from the tears and stung from the cold, Xemnas gently touched my shoulder so I yelled, "Go away!" he froze and I started to wipe my eyes again, the door slammed, causing me to jump, and I found myself truly alone… there was no one to care- no one to even pretend.

I cried myself to sleep against the wall, I woke up not too long after that, I opened my eyes and found that it was pitch black outside, I stood up as quickly as I could and ran to my mother's room, but it was empty, "Mom?" I called, hoping she was just upset before, hoping that she realized she really did care for me. My head hung low as I found the apartment just as empty as it was before I fell asleep. Ending up in the kitchen after my search around the place I leaned against the counter, it explained everything- and I hated that.

Her inability to love me and Rikku explained why she never cared if we were taken away, it explained why she would go away for days and weeks at a time and never make sure we had clothes or food or a place to sleep. It explained why she never acknowledged my existence unless I made her. She really didn't love me. And that hurt, the hollowness I had been feeling swelled up and was making me physically sick, my mouth watered like I was going to puke but I stayed in the kitchen and tried to breathe calmly, but I couldn't.

I turned and leaned my head against the cold contour, my head was spinning and I just wanted to push everything away, I tipped my head back a little, noticing the cups that sat on the shelf. Without thinking I swiped my hands across the plastic pieces, sending them to crash into the ground and wall, but I didn't stop there. I moved down a little to where my mother's and Xemnas' shot glasses were, I picked them up in my fists and threw them at the far wall on the other side of the apartment, at the end of the couch, they clinked and a few smashed- either against the wall or against the ground. I opened the cupboards and began to pull everything out, smashing whatever was glass against the counter and floor while everything plastic bounced and rolled away.

I moved back to the fridge, throwing open the freezer door I found bottles of alcohol just sitting nice and perfectly all for me in there. I pulled one out, having another smaller one frozen to it, but once they were free of the ice box they broke apart and the smaller bottle crashed to the ground and smashed, sending cold liquid all around on the messy floor, but I just turned and stomped away after slamming the freezer door shut. I made my way to my room, locking the door on my way through- I even took it upon myself to lock the chain lock at the top rather than just the door knob and dead bolt.

Sitting in my room I opened the bottle of alcohol, not bothering to read the label, and took as much of it into my mouth as I could, it burned my tongue and throat, a warm feeling following it down to rest in my stomach, I forced myself to drink more. After a few minutes of sitting there, I tried to chug it, but I had to stop when the feeling of having to puke rose in my throat, I dropped the bottle and ran to the bathroom as quickly as I could, I fell by the toilet and emptied my already empty stomach into the toilet. Falling back I leaned against the tub, new tears were running down my face, the sobs were vocal in my throat, I just wanted to go to sleep, I rested my head against the tub and fell asleep.

Uh-oh... more not good feelings for Roxy's life.

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