Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, obviously. Although I'm very happy that the creators are giving both Samuel and Damian a chance. And that we get to see Brittany try to figure out what the hell Damian is saying…
A/n: Alright, another new chapter. I'm going to start trying to wrap this one up soon; I'm probably not going to take this all the way to Nationals. But it might be a while, because I still have several papers to finish before school is over next week.
"I don't think I can keep doing this. Either I can't sleep, or I sleep all the fucking time. I'm still a week behind on schoolwork because I can't focus on anything. And all I think about, still, is how much easier things would be if I could just end it all right now. No trial, no school, none of those awful memories…"
"What's stopping you?" Dr. Benson asked. Blaine sighed, shaking his head.
"Kurt. His family. Glee club. I don't want to hurt anyone else."
"You still have something to hold onto."
"I wish I didn't. I wish every day that things had been different, that I wouldn't feel so guilty about thinking of suicide because it would hurt other people. Because it would make this pain go away. Because I still can't see that light at the end of the tunnel." Blaine glanced down at his hands, playing with the edge of one of his nails that had split. "I don't know how much longer I can do this, play this game. Pretend that I'm getting better when at best I'm just avoiding getting pulled under for as long as I can."
"You may not see it, Blaine, but you are getting better. You just admitted to me a minute ago that you have reasons to hang on – people that you love enough that you can't imagine hurting them that way. When you pulled that knife out of that drawer, you said that the only thing that stopped you was the promise you'd made to me that you wouldn't hurt yourself. Those people… they're a much better reason to keep holding on, to try and get through all of this."
"And what if I can't?" Blaine didn't look up at the woman, but he could hear her stand up and walk over to her desk.
"Then we try something new. I don't like to prescribe medication, Blaine. It's not a decision I take lightly. But I'm starting to get the sense that therapy alone isn't enough for treating your depression."
"So you're going to drug me up?"
"It's a low dose of an SSRI… it's just to help you get through this, to get your mind off of suicide so that we can focus on you getting better. I can't make you take this, Blaine. But I can tell you that I don't think we're going to get you through this unless you're willing to at least try this." Blaine looked at the piece of paper as the woman handed it to him. He couldn't read exactly what it said, but he knew what it was.
"I don't want people to think I'm crazy…"
"Blaine, you don't have to tell anyone other than Burt and Carole Hummel. They need to know so that they can keep an eye on you for the first couple of weeks, to make sure that you aren't a danger to yourself. No one else ever needs to know, whether you take the medication for a few months or a few years."
"Y-years?" Blaine asked. He looked up at the woman, shaking his head. "I don't want…"
"You don't have to be on the medication forever, Blaine," Dr. Benson replied. "I just think that it would be a good idea for now, until you can get some of the issues that are causing your depression out of your system. Therapy takes time and effort, and sometimes we have to add medication to get the results we need."
Blaine dropped the paper down on the coffee table. "I don't want them to think I'm crazy."
"The Hummels know you aren't crazy, Blaine." Blaine bit down on his bottom lip as the woman picked the paper back up. "I will talk to them, if it'll help. I haven't spent much time talking to Burt Hummel, but I'm sure that he will understand. He's a reasonable man, and he's going to understand when I explain it to him."
"I don't want you to explain," Blaine replied, shaking his head and sighing.
"I trust Burt Hummel, Blaine. I wouldn't let you go home with him if I didn't think he and his family would understand and be supportive, okay? And they need to know what's going on so that they can help you." Blaine stared down at the piece of paper on the table in front of him, his fingernails picking at the hem of his shirt. "You don't have to do any of this alone… I'll talk to Burt, let him know what's going on." Blaine sighed, nodding. He closed his eyes as Dr. Benson walked out of the room, leaving him alone for a few minutes. Blaine folded up the slip of paper, shoving it into his pocket as he waited for Dr. Benson and Burt to get done with their conversation.
"Blaine? You ready to go?" Blaine nodded as he heard Burt's voice from the doorway, standing up and starting to follow the man.
"I'll see you next week, Blaine."
The car ride was silent for the first few minutes, until Burt pulled up at the pharmacy closest to the house. "Dr. Benson said you had the prescription." Blaine pulled it out of his pocket, staring down at the paper.
"You shouldn't have to pay for all of this for me…"
"Don't worry about the money, kid. That's all been taken care of. My main concern here is making sure that you're going to be okay and that you have everything you need."
"But…"
"It's not my money paying for all of this, okay? So don't feel bad about it." Blaine handed the paper over after a moment, letting his boyfriend's father take it into the pharmacy and drop it off. Blaine stared out the window of Burt's truck as he waited for the man to come back out, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. He still wasn't sure about the idea of medication; everything he'd heard and read about the few medications that doctors would prescribe for teenagers made it sound as though they weren't something to be taken lightly. He still wasn't completely comfortable with the idea.
"It's not going to be ready for a while… I can come get it after dinner," Burt commented, getting back into the truck. Blaine didn't respond. "Hey… are you okay with all of this? The medication, going to Dr. Benson…?"
"I'm just afraid of the medication. I… I still feel the way I did the night you took me to the hospital. All the time. And I don't want to take the pills because they can make it worse, and I don't want to fuck up and get that close… or maybe even get to the point that I actually hurt myself before someone can help me." Blaine looked up as Burt put a hand on his shoulder.
"That's why you have us, kid. The whole family. We're gonna be there whenever you need to talk to us, and we're not going to ever give up on you, okay?" Burt commented. "You know that all you ever have to do is ask for our help, right?"
"But what if I'm not strong enough to ask next time?"
"That's why you're going to be sick of us asking you if you're doing alright all the time for the next few weeks."
